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Mr. Noseybonk posted:How much alcohol/drugs must you drink/take to dull the pain of your screaming soul? I get drunk and remind myself that I have two other jobs with respectable companies that could actually pay off someday. COULD.
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Jan 28, 2014 03:03
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I watched Blackenstein on the off chance that it would be anywhere near as good as Blacula (it isn't) and about the only thing it has going for it is that it is a masterclass is making one dog look like a dog army. Such cinematic craft to make a single dog into a non-specific amount of dogs just with editing trickery.
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Feb 1, 2014 11:25
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Dylazodelan posted:I work for a production company that has made a bunch of the movies reviewed here. Not only do I have to watch these movies, but I'm expected to say nothing but nice things about them, then go on Amazon and poo poo and write good reviews. I'm glad someone is ripping them to pieces, reading these reviews has been real cathartic. And here I thought we had it bad! Great to hear from you - we've suspected there were people out there doing this sort of thing for a long time but we've never actually bumped into any of them directly so this made our week. There's a bit of catharsis in writing some of these too of course but it's a dirty job etc.; I don't even know how to wrap my head around the concept of having to find positive things to say about most of them, let alone doing it as a job. You must have nerves of steel. Professor Clumsy posted:I watched Blackenstein on the off chance that it would be anywhere near as good as Blacula (it isn't) and about the only thing it has going for it is that it is a masterclass is making one dog look like a dog army. Such cinematic craft to make a single dog into a non-specific amount of dogs just with editing trickery. This was by far my favorite thing about that movie too, which is why I tried to pay homage in my own small way by multiplying them a couple more times over  . We also enjoyed that no matter how hard they tried to make it look like the dogs were eating on him to death it was still just really obvious that they were barking at him to death instead (and then when they swap out his body for sausage guts or whatever they finally dig in). Originally I was actually going to add an extra "dog army" category to the score tally to give it a couple bonus points. R.I.P. Blackenstein, may you rot in black monster hell forever.
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Feb 1, 2014 18:37
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So is anybody out there familiar with this week's movie? We're still a little disappointed that the CMS chewed up all of our actual screenplay formatting every time so we had to leave it as-is, but I still think our version is way better.
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Mar 22, 2014 20:34
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http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/inhumanoid-grieco/ And why does the video of android werewoof sexual dream rape fantasy have an add for the crossfit games in suggested videos at the end? Are the two related?
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Apr 6, 2014 01:00
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Say Nothing posted:http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/inhumanoid-grieco/ Obviously you've never heard of "Greico-Lupine wrestling", the classic sport where you attempt to resist the sexual advances of a nude Richard Greico in a werewolf mask. It really tones the entire body all at once, it's fantastic. So has anybody out there seen Dead Calm, the movie which IMDB tells us this is based on? From what I gather it's the same thing but on a regular boat and with (presumably) 100% less werewolves, androids, and lens flares.
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Apr 7, 2014 14:52
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Apr 26, 2014 16:28
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http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/rent-control-spiner/ Holy crap that Seinfeld edit was the funniest thing I've seen today. I now want - need - to see a Larry David biopic starring Brent Spiner. But I actually kinda dug the original soundtrack, it makes me do a robot dance and say "RENT CON-TROL" in a Cyberman voice.
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May 5, 2014 01:03
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Simian_Prime posted:http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/rent-control-spiner/ We found this movie a few months ago and it's been known to both of us as RENT CON-TROL in that exact tone of voice ever since. Love it or hate it, it's definitely a catchy title song. (You will hate it years from now when it's still randomly playing in your head.)
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May 5, 2014 03:11
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http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/curse-kingtut-part1/1/ That poker scene was painful to watch and Not-Indiana-Jones really hates camels.
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May 18, 2014 07:59
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I learned something new about myself today: I can instantly recognize Randal Malone from a forty square pixel web graphic  though to be fair, this might just be because the SA front page is his natural habitatBlack Knight Returns gave me a new appreciation for the professionalism of Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor. "That lightning was so real, true Hollywood magic" I said to myself while watching those MS Paint muzzle flashes.
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May 31, 2014 19:44
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Buffalo squeeze posted:http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/curse-kingtut-part1/1/ This pretty much sums up both part 1 and part 2, although we'll never stop laughing at the Pumaman scene. DoombatINC posted:I learned something new about myself today: I can instantly recognize Randal Malone from a forty square pixel web graphic Ha, we didn't even make the Randal Malone connection! I knew he looked vaguely familiar. Greasnin nailed it when he described him as "the real-life equivalent of Snagglepuss". And yet, he's pretty much the best actor in Black Knight Returns, which should tell you just how dire the rest of the acting is. We've got some good stuff coming up for you guys; get ready for the most cop cliches that can be squeezed into 80 minutes, Gary Busey chewing all the scenery in an abandoned old-West town, Wesley Snipes starring and executive producing in a movie about how great Wesley Snipes is, and yes, even the triumphant return of the Polonia brothers! Also, we're definitely doing another Japan movie madness feature down the line, so if you know of any not-to-be-missed terrible Japanese movies, let us know.
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Jun 10, 2014 16:02
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I have my own guilty religious movie shame, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2. I watched this in September of 2001 (take a moment to consider the date) because at that time it was literally the only movie in the theaters that contained action/explosions. It was the cinematic equivalent of a finding the corpse of a someone who'd OD'd on heroine, sucking out some of their blood in a used syringe and then injecting it into yourself to try to get high. Except this was less healthy.
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Jul 10, 2014 01:52
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http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/things-1989/1/ Holy gently caress, this movie makes 'The Room' seem like shakespeare.
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Jul 12, 2014 14:11
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Horrible Lurkbeast posted:http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/things-1989/1/ Oh gently caress, I forgot about this movie since being introduced to it on an episode of Half in the Bag. Thanks for reminding me that I should probably/never see it
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Jul 12, 2014 15:41
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I had some interactions with Barry J. Gillis back in the early days of Facebook (through a horror movie group a friend started and ran). Barry joined and spammed ads for Things constantly because it was "about to be released on DVD" and got really belligerent when nobody took him seriously. He went so far as to register a new account and rejoin the group under a new name when he got banned from it and threatened the group admin that he would get his account banned because he said he was friends with the people who owned facebook. Never went anywhere of course. I mostly just wanted to post that BJG is also an accomplished musician: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX9Bh4-Dmq8
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Jul 13, 2014 03:57
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I like the "Mrs. Brown's Boys D'Movie" movie review. http://www.somethingawful.com/current-movie-reviews/apes-snowpiercer/3/
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Jul 13, 2014 22:28
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This movie is pure genious outsider art. Or pretty unplanned general retardation. One way or another it deserves a homage in the shape of a new profile picture.
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Jul 14, 2014 02:18
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Fell posted:I had some interactions with Barry J. Gillis back in the early days of Facebook (through a horror movie group a friend started and ran). Barry joined and spammed ads for Things constantly because it was "about to be released on DVD" and got really belligerent when nobody took him seriously. He went so far as to register a new account and rejoin the group under a new name when he got banned from it and threatened the group admin that he would get his account banned because he said he was friends with the people who owned facebook. Never went anywhere of course.  Oh my god this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Thank you. It almost makes some sick and horrible part of me want to review another Barry Gillis movie just to include this. Peanut and the Gang posted:I like the "Mrs. Brown's Boys D'Movie" movie review. Me too. Unfortunately, for posting in the wrong thread, I have no choice but to sentence you to death. Death by Things. May STRYK-9 have mercy on your soul. Japanese Phone Box posted:This movie is pure genious outsider art. Or pretty unplanned general retardation. One way or another it deserves a homage in the shape of a new profile picture. Looking good my friend. Try to leave some sex for the rest of us!
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Jul 14, 2014 03:15
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Fell posted:I had some interactions with Barry J. Gillis back in the early days of Facebook (through a horror movie group a friend started and ran). Barry joined and spammed ads for Things constantly because it was "about to be released on DVD" and got really belligerent when nobody took him seriously. He went so far as to register a new account and rejoin the group under a new name when he got banned from it and threatened the group admin that he would get his account banned because he said he was friends with the people who owned facebook. Never went anywhere of course. Who is the hot girl in the bikini and what combination of date rape drugs did Gillis use on her to get her to be in his video? Edit: Apparently the girl is Katey Carfagnini, which does not sound like a real name but probably is. johntfs fucked around with this message at 04:27 on Jul 17, 2014 |
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Jul 16, 2014 10:45
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johntfs posted:Who is the hot girl in the bikini and what combination of date rape drugs did Gillis use on her to get her to be in his video? Yeah, I can't imagine that anybody would consensually agree to let Barry G get that close to them without money somehow being involved. Then again I can't imagine anyone consensually giving Barry Gillis money either so I guess we've got a logical paradox?
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Jul 18, 2014 21:05
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Who's ready for us to dip back into the fish-in-a-barrel world of cartoon movies? See if you can spot the tiger becoming a giraffe spontaneously: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbCp-cm6E Spolier alert: Haha we can't spoil this movie, I just showed you the ending and you still have no hope of figuring anything out.
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Jul 19, 2014 01:51
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Hydrogen posted:Who's ready for us to dip back into the fish-in-a-barrel world of cartoon movies? See if you can spot the tiger becoming a giraffe spontaneously:  e: what do I win? Trillaphon fucked around with this message at 04:39 on Jul 21, 2014 |
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Jul 20, 2014 21:47
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The Lucky Dragon is insane. It's like a fever dream collision between Animal Soccer World and Mulan. What a loving bizarre thing.
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Jul 21, 2014 07:24
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So Barry J. Gillis contacted me a few weeks ago to warn/tell us all about how the THINGS videos were going to be pulled from Youtube because the only lovely copy we could find of his lovely movie looked too lovely and therefore somehow spoiled the ironic lovely movie viewing experience for people and his tremendous clout as a movie star would somehow make this happen; nearly 2 weeks later and of course absolutely nothing has happened or ever will, but I thought you guys might get a kick out of reading his message:Barry Gillis posted:As bad as THINGS is, you don't do the movie any justice by uploading the crappiest quality that you can... Thanks for the Review, but the clips will be disappearing soon from your Youtube Videos... The least that you could do is learn a little bit about codecs, and how to upload videos in the best quality... You have artifacts going through all of the videos. I am busy with Post Production of my newest movie, but those videos will be pulled by Youtube really soon!!!! I asked him to provide a higher quality source copy of THINGS and explained that I would gladly re-edit the clips on my own time so everyone could see the stupidity of the movie in higher clarity but still have heard nothing back so enjoy while you still can!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E76EytI_yN8 (he did not send any trailers or sneak peaks of his new movie upon request but we are eagerly awaiting those as well)
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Sep 21, 2014 05:31
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Looks like he's still stupid after all these years. What a dick. I'd buy a DVD copy on Amazon (Intervision Picture Corp.) but I've seen this movie already and the bonuses can be found freely on Vimeo (released by themselves! like the "RARE TV interview: http://vimeo.com/24338948), and they're nothing to write home about. Also searching the 'net it seems that Barry is trying to capitalize as much as he can on the movie's "cult" status, by tracking down every single review or clip or whatever to comment on them and bring more sales to his dvd and other of his shittier movies that no one cares about... and that's a bit of turn off in my opinion.
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Sep 21, 2014 06:01
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Just so you guys know, we're not dead or asleep at the wheel this week or anything - poo poo's been getting pretty busy for both of us recently with work and stuff so we decided a couple weeks ago to fall back to an every-other-week thing with these for now. This of course tragically means less rubber poop monsters/extreme fisheye butt cleavage/smooth jazz dragons/unsavory Italian revisionist history animes we get to share in the misery of making you watch with us, but we're hoping the extra time will also let us put out tighter reviews with a bit more content/punch, and maybe even finally try out a couple new formats/features we've been kicking around for a while but haven't really had a chance to put the finishing touches on. If you find yourself going through Awful Movie withdrawal in the meantime or need suggestions for stuff to get shitfaced and watch with your friends to make them hate you or whatever, feel free to drop us a line or post away in here about it - our lists of incomprehensible life-ruining movie garbage are basically endless and there've been lots of great suggestions here already - discussion's always welcome, so go nuts! Trillaphon fucked around with this message at 20:44 on Oct 4, 2014 |
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Oct 4, 2014 20:40
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Trillaphon posted:Just so you guys know, we're not dead or asleep at the wheel this week or anything - poo poo's been getting pretty busy for both of us recently with work and stuff so we decided a couple weeks ago to fall back to an every-other-week thing with these for now. This of course tragically means less rubber poop monsters/extreme fisheye butt cleavage/smooth jazz dragons/unsavory Italian revisionist history animes we get to share in the misery of making you watch with us, but we're hoping the extra time will also let us put out tighter reviews with a bit more content/punch, and maybe even finally try out a couple new formats/features we've been kicking around for a while but haven't really had a chance to put the finishing touches on. I personally have no problem with you guys going to biweekly. Quality over quantity every time.
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Oct 5, 2014 19:47
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The Barbarians. http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/barbarians/1/ Bodybuilding fans of the 1980s will remember these twin brothers, David and Peter Paul, who were minor celebrities at the time.  Trivia. This was originally supposed to be a serious action movie, but the brothers were so bad at acting that it ended up being turned into a comedy, which still sucked, making only $800,000 on a budget of $4,000,000. 75% of that budget was spent on steroids and baby oil.
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Oct 12, 2014 01:28
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Say Nothing posted:The Barbarians. And yet, in spite of all this, they still went on to get cast in at least another half dozen or so movies after The Barbarians - most (if not all) of which we'll undoubtedly end up having to review at some point. We don't know if they do the retarded moose noises in all of them or if that was supposed to be somehow barbarian-specific, but I'm pretty sure there's one where they play idiot truckers and try to do their own rap soundtrack. e: yep! "Think Big": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cJ3Q2Ww0Ag&t=14s Trillaphon fucked around with this message at 13:41 on Oct 15, 2014 |
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Oct 15, 2014 12:56
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You speak as though they only made trash Sometimes.... they made art... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2Nd-Qo3TeY
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Oct 18, 2014 01:51
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I think a series of reviews of all the Barbarian Brother's movies would be appreciated. Start with D.C. Cab. It's got Mr. T and Gary loving Busey in it. 
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Oct 19, 2014 01:01
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Man the Barbarian Bros... that's something that deserves to be relegated into the depths of rotting VHS tapes forever. Except for the ocasional piece making fun of it, of course.
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Oct 19, 2014 08:56
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DoombatINC posted:You speak as though they only made trash I shed a single tear as I watched this, so yep, it's definitely art. Say Nothing posted:I think a series of reviews of all the Barbarian Brother's movies would be appreciated. This seems like the obvious first choice, but on the other hand, "Double Trouble" has David Carradine, Roddy McDowall, and (of all people) James Doohan. Also just look at the movie poster:  I think it's safe to say that we'll be reviewing the Barbarian Brothers again in the near future. But this week, we've got something else in store for you guys: a '70s horror movie which gave us instant flashbacks to The Severed Arm (http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/severedarm/1/) and that put us up to our eyeballs in, well, fake eyeballs.
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Oct 19, 2014 19:16
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Just wanted to let you guys know... I like your work. I like your work. I like your work. I like your work. I like your work.
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Oct 25, 2014 17:08
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 It's pretty early in the morning still, but I think I've already got a strong contender for The Dumbest Thing I'll See All Day
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Nov 8, 2014 17:35
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DoombatINC posted:
That's a solidly terrible rat suit and all, but on the other hand, having CGI rats this terrible:  in a movie full of real actual rats is pretty dumb too.
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Nov 10, 2014 05:56
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Might be the wrong place to ask, but the Current Releases thread is closed do... What did happen to Current Releases? I understand they apparently parted ways with SA, but are they still writing externally or is the column just over? I really enjoyed reading those reviews.
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Nov 10, 2014 14:00
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Agreed, I would be thrilled to learn where the CR crew ends up writing so I can continue to enjoy them.
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Nov 20, 2014 07:55
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Anyone else unable to see the Death Schvitz youtube on the second page of The Chaos experiment? I tried a few proxy servers, but always got this video is not available in your country. Also, holy crap has Van Kilmer gone to pot.
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Nov 22, 2014 21:44
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