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  • Locked thread
Dr. Lariat
Jul 1, 2004

by Lowtax
Lost 3 jobs in 6 months? Better run to the newest Matt Damon flick, the world is surely lacking reviews of this new film.

http://thereptilereviewer.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/elysium-review/

Dr. Lariat fucked around with this message at 16:16 on Aug 12, 2013

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Foyes36
Oct 23, 2005

Food fight!
Benny, I would legit read your film reviews if you just stuck to movies on this list.

Dex
May 26, 2006

Quintuple x!!!

Would not escrow again.

VERY MISLEADING!

Benny the Snake posted:

So in any case; no I don't enjoy erotic anime comics. And I was attempting parallelism in that one line with the semi-colons because I swear that's how you do it.

Maybe you should try speaking like a normal person instead of trying and failing to show off.

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012

Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out

Benny the Snake posted:

So in any case; no I don't enjoy erotic anime comics. And I was attempting parallelism in that one line with the semi-colons because I swear that's how you do it.

Benny, that isn't how you do it. You really need to learn the basic mechanics of writing formal business English. Do you have a copy of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation? I think it could help you.

cucurbit
Feb 23, 2009

Dr. Lariat posted:

Lost 3 jobs in 6 months? Better run to the newest Matt Damon flick, the world is surely lacking reviews of this new film.

http://thereptilereviewer.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/elysium-review/

Here you go, Benny; I had a half hour to kill and edited one of your blog posts. It's still something of a structural mess, as you often don't answer the question of "why" something is important when you write (check the highlighted comments), but here's a good start at seeing where your writing can stand to be improved. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zu2l_qbyBEwvmMp85iYyvnaef7jNrxwpfipEzKG2uhs/edit?usp=sharing

Accretionist
Nov 7, 2012
I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Ugh, semi-colons!

Benny, read this illustrative article about semi-colon usage!

Accretionist fucked around with this message at 18:21 on Aug 12, 2013

Fugue Stater
Oct 17, 2012

Dr. Lariat posted:

Lost 3 jobs in 6 months? Better run to the newest Matt Damon flick, the world is surely lacking reviews of this new film.

http://thereptilereviewer.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/elysium-review/

It's kind of silly to mock someone for engaging in their passion (and long-term career goal), even if they're still in desperate need of a job. Writing is perhaps the #2 thing he should be doing right now, but it's still a thing he should be doing. In fact he should probably be doing a ton more of it whenever he's not job-hunting, and getting constructive critiques here is probably beneficial, no matter how insultingly they're framed.

cname
Jan 24, 2013

by Lowtax
Alright, it all makes sense, now. Benny made a cover letter and resume for the police station job. He then went around handing out the same resume, to each potential employer, be it office job, editing, line chef, Hollister model, etc.

Benny, you worked for a senatorial campaign.

Benny the Snake posted:

My administrative experience was with the (insert politician here) for State Senate Campaign. I served in a fellowship position where my duties included data entry, voter outreach, and intern leadership.

This is the best part of your cover letter. This should be extended to roughly 5 sentences. Toss in some bullshit, without going overboard. That's politics.

Here's the deal. I know you live in Cali and that your candidate lost. I have a pretty good idea of which campaign you were on. I come from a campaign background. I have extremely similar experience, except I was hired to do work for the candidate's website. I'd kill to exchange email addresses with you, provided you were smart enough to sign up for your campaign directory mailing list. I have the email addresses of people who don't usually toss around their information.

I'm not trying to sound like top, shitstain, king rear end in a top hat of importantpeopleville. I just know for a fact that when you work for a campaign, have a campaign email address and sign up for the campaign mailing list once your email address is terminated, you get a bunch of mass-chain emails from (ex)politicians who neglected to use a "do not reply" address.

Did you sign up? Have you gotten any? If you did, you know the type...

Not a solicitation posted:

Hello Everyone,

While it was fantastic working with you, having never really met or talked to any of you, I can't possibly thank you enough, for all the hard work.

Gail is doing just fine and the kids are happy as ever! It just so happens that Cregory is attending a trip to Guatimala with the Save the Brownskins Coalition! On Sunday, we'll be hosting a potluck and dinner reception as a sendoff. Won't you join us?

Below is an RSVP link. Tickets are only $80 so please reply post-haste, before all positions are filled. Please don't hesitate to contact my office, should you ever need any future assistance.

Thank You,
WMR

All drat day. Just mad emails that make you think "holy poo poo, that's his actual email address? I could post that poo poo on SA and let the goons blast his inbox all day.

Moral of the story: Unless you hosed up big time and didn't get on that mailing list, you have tons of email addresses from tons of solicitation emails and invitations to banquets, parties, fundraisers, galas, etc. Write a goddamn cover letter based around your campaign staff work. GET THE gently caress TO WORK AND POST A COVER LETTER FOR CAMPAIGN STAFFING JOBS!

You could slink into any one of those fundraisers, meet people, have a few drinks and make contacts.

I know this kid has a goldmine of contacts that any inexperienced rear end in a top hat would kill for. Use them and find yourself a job for an upper-class money begging organization.

If you leave me your email address, I'll send you a list of people I have email access to. If you like what you see, you can reply with who you have access to, and I'll see if I'm down to trade. I'll give you this, mine are way more high-profile than yours. I have no use for them, because I'd rather work for a much smaller scale campaign, but I guarantee you'd want them.

Again, no personal information necessary. There's no way in hell I'd tell you my name so you could namedrop (not that they'd even know who I am) and I don't expect you to do so either.

PS: This isn't against any rules and I guarantee it's not against the contract you were under during the campaign. It's just regular, non-confidential information. Just two people trading professional contacts.

(Honestly, I could give a poo poo less if some congressman I used to remotely work for gets a misspelled, misstyped and misfucked email from Benny the Snake. Not like it's gonna get traced back to me.)

cname fucked around with this message at 19:08 on Aug 12, 2013

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010


We're at the "Goon throws down a set of schematics and parts for a jetpack" stage of the goon in the well, aren't we?

I really think he's a troll, guys. Seeing his Dr. Seuss effortposts in the D&D political cartoon thread cemented it. Go back and read his OP, he hits soooo many goon E/N hotspots. Religious, unreasonable parents, comic collection, etc.

Benny, how is that comic collection? You mentioned it has some monetary value, about how much? Did your mom throw it out yet?

E: VVV No, they're well done and put together well. If Benny can handle that, I think he can handle pushing shopping carts. I also find it weird he was straight up fired, no written warning, no nothing, for hitting a customer's car one time.

E2: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3525444&pagenumber=802&perpage=40#post417374554

WampaLord fucked around with this message at 19:37 on Aug 12, 2013

Accretionist
Nov 7, 2012
I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES

WampaLord posted:

I really think he's a troll, guys. Seeing his Dr. Seuss effortposts in the D&D political cartoon thread cemented it.
What about them? Are they terrible?

Sir John Falstaff
Apr 13, 2010

Accretionist posted:

What about them? Are they terrible?

Having just read them (well, one of them, anyway), I'd say they're inconsistent with this thread in how not-terrible they are.

Sir John Falstaff fucked around with this message at 19:59 on Aug 12, 2013

spacing in vienna
Jan 4, 2007

people they want us to fall down
but we won't ever touch the ground
we're perfectly balanced, we float around
til no one is here, do you hear the sound?


Lipstick Apathy

Benny the Snake posted:

So in any case; no I don't enjoy erotic anime comics. And I was attempting parallelism in that one line with the semi-colons because I swear that's how you do it.

Benny as someone who tutors in English grammar and has dealt with both parallelism and semi colons allow me to reassure you that that was not parallelism. That was just plain wrong. Not even "wrong but a stylistic choice" like when skilled authors use sentence fragments for emphasis, but wrong.

I am not trying to be mean in saying this. I just need you to understand that you need to fix that, stat.

Fugue Stater
Oct 17, 2012

WampaLord posted:

We're at the "Goon throws down a set of schematics and parts for a jetpack" stage of the goon in the well, aren't we?

I really think he's a troll, guys. Seeing his Dr. Seuss effortposts in the D&D political cartoon thread cemented it. Go back and read his OP, he hits soooo many goon E/N hotspots. Religious, unreasonable parents, comic collection, etc.

Benny, how is that comic collection? You mentioned it has some monetary value, about how much? Did your mom throw it out yet?

E: VVV No, they're well done and put together well. If Benny can handle that, I think he can handle pushing shopping carts. I also find it weird he was straight up fired, no written warning, no nothing, for hitting a customer's car one time.

E2: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3525444&pagenumber=802&perpage=40#post417374554

Haha, well if this is a troll, it's been masterful. Benny's put more effort in this thread than anyone else (posting all these writing samples, his schedule etc.), and usually trolls try to put in as little as possible to get the most reaction. I think the weird gaps in the story are just omissions that Benny either forgot to include or was too embarrassed to include. Occam's Razor, man.

(though if this does turn out to be a troll, I will be the first to start the slow clap)

Arch Stanton
Nov 23, 2003
EYEBALLS AND TONGUES DON'T MIX EW EW EW EW EW
Benny, prove that you're not a troll. Post a picture of a Target pay stub (with everything personal blanked out) sitting on top of 100+ comic books.

ThatCguy
Jan 19, 2008

WampaLord posted:

We're at the "Goon throws down a set of schematics and parts for a jetpack" stage of the goon in the well, aren't we?

I really think he's a troll, guys. Seeing his Dr. Seuss effortposts in the D&D political cartoon thread cemented it. Go back and read his OP, he hits soooo many goon E/N hotspots. Religious, unreasonable parents, comic collection, etc.

Benny, how is that comic collection? You mentioned it has some monetary value, about how much? Did your mom throw it out yet?

E: VVV No, they're well done and put together well. If Benny can handle that, I think he can handle pushing shopping carts. I also find it weird he was straight up fired, no written warning, no nothing, for hitting a customer's car one time.

E2: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3525444&pagenumber=802&perpage=40#post417374554

I own the "Dr Suess goes to war" book that all of these are pulled from. He basically either scanned the comics or pulled them off of a web page and posted them chronologically. How does this imply some sort of competance?

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010

ThatCguy posted:

I own the "Dr Suess goes to war" book that all of these are pulled from. He basically either scanned the comics or pulled them off of a web page and posted them chronologically. How does this imply some sort of competance?

It's more the posting that goes along with it. Benny correctly reads the political motivation and context behind each cartoon. He expresses his points clearly and with a bit of wit and humor. In short, the complete opposite of every "writing sample" or review that he's churned out for the thread.

Basically, if he's capable of that kind of quality posting, I have a hard time believing he's as incompetent as he claims.

E: Look at this sentence:

"Vladivostok is a Russian port city off the Pacific which became a major military base for Russia during the war. It's located off the Pacific, so we can infer that Hitler was encouraging Japan to aid him in his Russian invasion by squeezing them from the east."

Can you picture ThreadBenny actually taking the time to research and type that out?

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound

WampaLord posted:

It's more the posting that goes along with it. Benny correctly reads the political motivation and context behind each cartoon. He expresses his points clearly and with a bit of wit and humor. In short, the complete opposite of every "writing sample" or review that he's churned out for the thread.

Basically, if he's capable of that kind of quality posting, I have a hard time believing he's as incompetent as he claims.

E: Look at this sentence:

"Vladivostok is a Russian port city off the Pacific which became a major military base for Russia during the war. It's located off the Pacific, so we can infer that Hitler was encouraging Japan to aid him in his Russian invasion by squeezing them from the east."

Can you picture ThreadBenny actually taking the time to research and type that out?

Yes, because it's off the Pacific.

Accretionist
Nov 7, 2012
I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES
That's common knowledge dressed up as a flimsy inference.

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound
He wrote two sentences and repeated the same fact in each of them. It should read something like:

"Vladivostok is a Russian port city off the Pacific which became a major military base for Russia during the war. Using its geographic location, we can infer that Hitler was encouraging Japan to aid him in his Russian invasion by squeezing them from the east."

Dr. Lariat
Jul 1, 2004

by Lowtax

Fugue Stater posted:

It's kind of silly to mock someone for engaging in their passion (and long-term career goal), even if they're still in desperate need of a job. Writing is perhaps the #2 thing he should be doing right now, but it's still a thing he should be doing. In fact he should probably be doing a ton more of it whenever he's not job-hunting, and getting constructive critiques here is probably beneficial, no matter how insultingly they're framed.

A person who loves to write can write about anything, it doesn't have to be another review of the weekends #1 box office smash. A number of things Benny could write about that don't cost money, his time at target, his experiences posting this thread, his day packing boxes in a warehouse, a park he walked past, looking for work in this economy, I can come up with subjects a person could write about that do not require an admission fee all day.

You seem to have forgotten why this thread exists, it's not here to nurture Benny's writing skills, this thread was posted because Benny's mom is an abusive crazy person and he wanted out (except not really because its been half a year and were still on step 1.)

Uncle Salty
Jan 19, 2008
BOYS
Yeah, I'm fascinated by retail stories for some reason. I would absolutely read Benny's short story about Target.

Benny the Snake
Apr 11, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Wouldn't posting about my Target experiences be a faux paus? Or is that only for the A/T threads?

Anyway, I've gotten myself forbearances on my immediate loan payments: one for three months and the other for six. So I've got untill December, more or less, until I have to start paying them off. On top of that I'm moving ahead with sending out cover letters and resumes. Here's another sample:

quote:

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Benny the Snake and I am applying for the position of Front Administrative Assistant. As a recent college graduate with typist accreditation and administrative experience, I am confident that I am the right person for the position.

I have recently graduated from Cal Poly Pomona with a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature. I am accredited through Agape Employment for typing, Microsoft Word, and Microsoft Excel proficiency. My typing speed is 66 words per minute at a 98% accuracy rate. My administrative experience includes serving in a fellowship with the John Smith for State Senate 2013 Campaign.

My primary duties with the John Smith campaign included data entry, intern leadership, and voter outreach. Voter outreach included phone banking and neighborhood canvassing; I managed about 800 calls a week. I led up to ten interns while phone banking and as leader I was responsible for making judgment calls on the spot when the campaign manager wasn't available. I am confident that my skills and experience are perfect for the position and I look forward to becoming a member of the Pulsar Web Works team.

I am available for an interview before August 26th and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Please contact me at 555-555-5555 or at noemailforyou@suckit.com.

Sincerely,

Benny the Snake.
I've cut out Starbucks out of my budget so for the past few weeks since being let go I've been posting from my local library where there's a signal free from any firewall so I can post here. Funny story about my campaign letter: I don't have it. The campaign manager, Jon, told me that he sent an email way back in April saying that my candidate was gonna hold a picnic to celebrate and hand out the letters...which I missed completely :cripes:. I've been trying to get a hold of Jon for weeks now and he won't pick up. Email, texts, phone calls, it doesn't matter. So all I have to go on my campaign volunteering is a contact. I need that loving letter. I've tried to contact my candidate directly but there's a lot of run around since he works in a county office. It's why that's not on my resume. So what volunteer experience do I have on there?

EDIT: in hindsight, I'd rather not get into too much detail. I don't want to give you guys more ammo. I was one of the founding members of a club on campus and served as publicist for a year.

Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 02:37 on Aug 13, 2013

Eris
Mar 20, 2002
Your campaign experience ISN'T on your résumé because you don't have a letter?!

Is that what you're saying?

Dr. Lariat
Jul 1, 2004

by Lowtax

Benny the Snake posted:

I've cut out Starbucks out of my budget so for the past few weeks since being let go I've been posting from my local library where there's a signal free from any firewall so I can post here.

Benny, is SA blocked on your home Internet? Is there more to this story than what you are telling us? In my view this thread has moved so far beyond the pissing in the well stage it's absurd.
I don't know what you want from us or why this thread continues to exist when it is clear that it exists for one of 2 reasons.

1-You're full of poo poo and this is all a put on.

2-You got mad at your mom for threatening to throw away your stuff and posted this thread as a way to vent and get some strangers to back you up without any intentions of ever moving out or making any life changes.

Either way you are wasting our precious web browsing time. I could have been looking at porn.

Dr. Lariat fucked around with this message at 04:45 on Aug 13, 2013

lexan
Apr 24, 2004

Someday I'll be a big producer on Broadway, and you'll be singin' your opera in the street with a tin cup in your hand!
That cover letter is way better, but there's still something weird about referring to your accreditation as a typist. Am I the only one who thinks so?

Also, regardless of whether or not you have the reference letter, you should put your campaign experience on your résumé.

Horrible Smutbeast
Sep 2, 2011

Benny the Snake posted:

I've cut out Starbucks out of my budget so for the past few weeks since being let go I've been posting from my local library where there's a signal free from any firewall so I can post here.

The gently caress were you doing buying $5 coffees and poo poo baked goods at inflated prices for when you're supposed to be saving for your car/moving out/whatever the gently caress?

What is wrong with you?

Benny the Snake
Apr 11, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Horrible Smutbeast posted:

The gently caress were you doing buying $5 coffees and poo poo baked goods at inflated prices for when you're supposed to be saving for your car/moving out/whatever the gently caress?

What is wrong with you?
That was when I was on the job; I was there to use the internet to continue my job search for something better.

Accretionist
Nov 7, 2012
I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Did you consider participating in Thunderdome?

Flash fiction's fun. Also, they'll set you straight on semi-colons. :colbert:

Dr. Lariat
Jul 1, 2004

by Lowtax

Horrible Smutbeast posted:

The gently caress were you doing buying $5 coffees and poo poo baked goods at inflated prices for when you're supposed to be saving for your car/moving out/whatever the gently caress?

What is wrong with you?

Benny says it was to use the internet, for some reason his home internet doesn't display the good job openings.
Real answer is Benny ain't gonna be moving out anytime soon, we all know this. Despite minor familial conflicts its pretty cushy so why change anything?

E: We can distract ourselves with CV's and thunderdomes and blogs and writing samples for another 6 months but until Benny decides to take an honest and objective look at his current situation and where he wishes to see himself in 1,2,5 years we will spin our wheels endlessly here. This whole thread reminds me of attempting to get an addict to give up drugs. Until the addict decides it is time go clean expect nothing more than an endless parade of excuses and misdirection.

Dr. Lariat fucked around with this message at 07:12 on Aug 13, 2013

cucurbit
Feb 23, 2009

Eris posted:

Your campaign experience ISN'T on your résumé because you don't have a letter?!

Is that what you're saying?

Please clarify this, Benny. Your post about this didn't make much sense, but if this is the case, it doesn't make any sense in a totally different way. You don't have to have letters from bosses in order to list a job on your resume.

Edit:
Also, out of fairness, the most recent cover letter is perfectly serviceable, so good job on that.

cucurbit fucked around with this message at 16:53 on Aug 13, 2013

Uncle Salty
Jan 19, 2008
BOYS

lexan posted:

That cover letter is way better, but there's still something weird about referring to your accreditation as a typist. Am I the only one who thinks so?

Maybe it's a little odd to some. But I work in higher ed; and we basically can't make any claim at all without being asked for the data to back it up. I can say 'yeah uh I have a plan for alumni engagement in student outcomes' or something, but if I don't have measurable goals, and a plan to collect the data to prove it, then I have zilch! So if I saw a resume with an accreditation on it I'd be like, cool, someone with something to back up what he's claiming here.

Uncle Salty fucked around with this message at 16:28 on Aug 13, 2013

cailleask
May 6, 2007





It's not an excuse, but let's please also not forget while we're dogpiling that Benny has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness, one which can have strong cognitive impacts. It may well be that he used to be a stronger writer-- or that his illness prevents him from seeing what his abilities are right now as opposed to what they used to be.

That said-- Benny, with time and medication and therapy, you will improve. It will get easier. I know everything seems harder than it should be right now. Do you have something constructive you can do that you enjoy? Something that you do for you, not to make a buck or impress other people? Looking for work is very important, but so is doing something you love just because you love it. Think of it as periodically refilling your brain's tank of happy chemicals, which right now are severely depleted and out of whack.

Aerofallosov
Oct 3, 2007

Friend to Fishes. Just keep swimming.
You can do it, Benny! And yeah, definitely pick up a hobby that's just for you. I've had monster depression for years and a few other issues. Knitting makes me feel a bit better because I'm making things and it keeps my hands busy.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Switchblade Switcharoo
Benny knit me a sweater. Well start with a pot holder like at camp.

Benny, just get/hold a job. Any job. Have you contacted anyone new?

Benny the Snake
Apr 11, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

cucurbit posted:

Please clarify this, Benny. Your post about this didn't make much sense, but if this is the case, it doesn't make any sense in a totally different way. You don't have to have letters from bosses in order to list a job on your resume.

Edit:
Also, out of fairness, the most recent cover letter is perfectly serviceable, so good job on that.
Well I gave my resume to Resumes to Interviews and when I explained I didn't have the letter they decided to put on my club publicist position under volunteer work.

Fuck da Mods
Jun 27, 2013

fina get poz'd? :cabot: :gizz: :baby:
Well that's retarded. For a while I forgot to even put that I had indeed graduated from university. I was freelancing and still getting mad gigs, hadn't even noticed I had bumped it out for more content until an interviewer had to ask, "you did graduate from college...right?" :smuggo: And when I put it back on no one ever vetted me. Sure I got some standard interview questions due to my particular fusion of disciplines, but yeah, you'll never be required to prove anything. Lie you loving moron, lie.

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012

Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out

Benny the Snake posted:

Well I gave my resume to Resumes to Interviews and when I explained I didn't have the letter they decided to put on my club publicist position under volunteer work.

That doesn't make any sense. I mean, neither the sentence you wrote just now nor the decision not to put your campaign work as a job.

If you were doing at least 20 hours a week of specific assigned tasks with some independent decision-making authority, that was a job, even though it didn't pay. "Volunteer work" on a resume is, in my opinion, a category better used for extremely part-time things like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or working on the once-a-month park cleanup.

Eris
Mar 20, 2002
Do you have pay stubs? A w2? If so - you worked. A silly letter that they give to literally everyone, and isn't customized isn't worth ... anything.

Think critically Benny.

Foyes36
Oct 23, 2005

Food fight!

Eris posted:

Do you have pay stubs? A w2? If so - you worked. A silly letter that they give to literally everyone, and isn't customized isn't worth ... anything.

Well, it was an unpaid internship, so he probably doesn't have that.

But yeah, don't worry about having that letter Benny.

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new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound

gently caress da Mods posted:

Well that's retarded. For a while I forgot to even put that I had indeed graduated from university. I was freelancing and still getting mad gigs, hadn't even noticed I had bumped it out for more content until an interviewer had to ask, "you did graduate from college...right?" :smuggo: And when I put it back on no one ever vetted me. Sure I got some standard interview questions due to my particular fusion of disciplines, but yeah, you'll never be required to prove anything. Lie you loving moron, lie.

I've worked many jobs where people lied about graduating high school and a few who lied about college as well. I'm not sure anyone short of law enforcement and the military even check that poo poo anymore.

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