Schneider posted:

Block leave is the poo poo. Merry Christmas Marines, etc etc. Anyway.

Duty sucks, gently caress duty.

This thread is now about funny or hosed up duty stories.

Once upon a Saturday night, I was touring my post as any squared away DNCO should do when I heard a noise, a very particular noise, coming from one of my grandboot's rooms. His door was ajar and the noise coming from within sounded suspiciously like a female getting smashed out. A FEMALE, WHO WAS NOT PROPERLY CHECKED IN WITH THE DUTY NCO, IN MY BARRACKS? gently caress. NO. Why do I even care about this, you ask? I guess I'm just a prick. I guess it pisses me off that some dumbass 18 year old PFC is bringing his little teenage tramps back to the barracks to smash them out while I'm walking around the barracks with a loving logbook under my arm yelling at idiots to pick up their cigarette butts. Additionally, I didn't like this particular Marine.. he was kind of a turd and sucked at life and whined a lot.

My mind raced, scrambling to find the most absurd and offensive insults I could muster as I prepared to kick the door open and deliver rear end-chewing to end all rear end chewings. My corfram came up and I spartan-kicked the door open, face twisted in fury, spittle flying as my mouth formed the first syllable of what was to be the magnum opus of my asschewings.

What I beheld was not PFC Fuckknuckles simply loving some skank, oh no.

On one of the racks were four of my Marines going family style on some chubby unattractive blonde girl with a tramp stamp. I'm pretty sure the balls touched.

I stopped in the doorway as my tiny TBI-ridden rifleman brain attempted to process the scene before me. They all stopped their frantic humping for a moment and stared at me. I didn't know what to loving say at this point.. I mean, what can you say to that, really. I just asked if she was of age and upon receiving a valid photo ID from the girl, muttered "very well, carry on" and continued my tour.

Booblord sagat posted:

Friend of mine kept getting zits on his cock when he was at the NTC in Irwin, right at the base where it isn't quite balls but not yet schlong. He was doing everything to stop it, from using that St. Ives face scrub on it to cleaning it every day with hand sanitizer, but poo poo kept happening. So one day he asks a Senior Chief Corpsman about it. The Chief has about three weeks left to serve before he can retire with 24 years, so I guess he decided this would be his legacy.

He gets my buddy a box of those Biorre black head removal strips and tells him to wash his member and slap one of them on for a bit and slowly take it off. It will get rid of his cock zit problem. Dude is desperate enough to try it, and even shaves his poo poo down with an electric razor to eliminate the hair pulling.

Well as it turns out the skin on that special area is kinda stretchy, but still thin. When he goes to tear it off, it takes about maybe 3 square centimeters of unrealized boner with it. It was that kind of skin loss like you get when you scrape your knee he told me, where you can see the last paper thin layer of skin sitting there, just seeping blood slowly but surely, said it was like a Saw film, but the evil laughing he heard wasn't from a sickly old white dude, but a thick mustached skinny black guy.

He found out a week later he had genital warts, so he had spent the last few months trying to pop dick warts.


I had to buy 9 beers in a San Diego bar to get that whole story out of him. Best drat $80 I ever spent.

InterwebzRN posted:

making GBS threads story aye aye sir!

So, my buddy is in the driver's seat of the Humvee and I'm the gunner up in the turret and we're rolling blacked out with NVG's on at the NTC as a QRF force (HA! POG's as QRF!! some of these guys can barely shoot marksman on the range!) cause our bro's went to secure an HVI/HVT/HIV whatever roleplayer and got into some massive shitstorm. In order to simulate real life we've been eating nothing but MRE's for like 10 days now (HA! more like contracting hosed up and forgot to send the MIPR so we could eat in the chow hall) so when we were offered real loving food from the roleplayers we loving took it and ate it like the miserable starved dirty animals we are. My buddy did this with a whole chicken picking the bones clean and guzzling tea a few hours before this mission was given. We're halfway to the objective when I hear gently caress! JESUS loving CHRIST! poo poo! ASSS! loving! GODDAMNIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! followed by the most pitiful sobs I've ever heard from a man. This wakes up the VC and I hear a storm of the most creative curses followed by sobs and "IM SORRY SERGEANT! IM SORRY! PLEASE DONT NJP ME!" I radio down to the VC using my MBITR and I get the following: "LCPL FUCKNUTS IS making GBS threads EVERYWHERE! OH MY loving GOD BOY WHAT DID YOU EAT??!?" We pull off and radio our situation to everyone in the TOC and as the convoy stops and "pulls security" we can hear everyone laughing over the radios. We put on our flashlights to inspect the damage expecting a Marine with poo poo stained pants. What we find is much worse. We were all gagging from the stench initially, some of us had put on our gas masks inside the vehicle to block it out. What the lights revealed was far worse. There was liquid brown poo poo in the driver's seat stretching from where your rear end is up the seat to about lower back area. Some of it was dripping or....slithering..or something..onto the floor. There were specks of it on the radio, it covered the slave cables, the steering wheel, under the seat, some of it had dripped onto the Doc's boots since he sat directly behind the driver and liked to sprawl or, somehow stretch his legs since he was a big dude. Anywhere the poo poo could have reached, it was. There was even lovely fingerprints on the windshield. The stench was horrible, like a rotting animal who had been left in the sun for a month inside a quadcon with rotten eggs inside it with spoiled milk sprayed everywhere with rotting garbage strewn about for good measure. A few guys (including the company gunny) vomited upon opening the door to the vehicle. He was forced to ride in it to the objective, complete the mission, then RTB where he cleaned the vehicle interior from top to bottom. All night. Then he was allowed to shower and change out of the poo poo encrusted pants.

And, just in time for Valentine's Day!

Schneider posted:

Also re: faggotfuckbitchboot with his gay loving pictures and smooching.

What he doesn't realize is that the minute he deploys, a rift will open in the space time continuum and eldrich, forboding Lovecraftian dongs which have been slumbering in dark space, long before man gained sentience, will emerge and descend upon his little lovely piece of teenage pussy. They will then penetrate all of her orifices in ways he could never possibly imagine, leaving her pretty little pussy a bloody mess of hamburger and her anus hopelessly distended, flapping like the wind flags at the 200 yard line. After being frosted like a Krispy Kreme donut, she will drain his bank account and leave him for a hipster douchebag who is a "nice guy".

This is the fate of all PFC/LCpl girlfriends. If this happens when he is a Sgt. or above he will return home, kill her, Jodie and then himself.

Semper fidelis.

the dad farm posted:

I like driving by cars in jville filled with creatures from your wildest nightmares. Then they pass by and i see "his boots, her flip flops, a perfect pair". I walk back to my shithole of a barracks room and silently weep with the lights off while i jerk off to porn and listen to goodbye horses.

[quote="anne frank fanfic"]
Whack shack duty. Night 134. At first I chased down individual whacker offers and had to threaten them with UCMJ. I thought they'd be scared straight so to speak. The next few nights they got smarter, using cover and concealment to their advantage in order to blow their hot loads all over this Holy Shi`ite Land. Now I just make a racket by rapping the side of the sheet metal wall with my rifle and watch as joes scamper from the whack shack, tripping over themselves with their trousers around their ankles and cum spurting from their still rock hard dicks. Another three caught today, that's another three Field Grade Jacking Off Article 15s to begin tomorrow.

Life wasn't this hard when jacking off wasn't banned in the 'stan, I guess the General was tired of seeing his hot young virile studs wasting their seed on the ground of this barren nation, he'd rather have the seed saved up and spread across the beautiful fields of amber grain in the good old U S of A. At first no one blamed him, how many of us wouldn't rather be jacking off at home, cumming where we please? But there's an enemy here. An enemy that doesn't want anyone cumming, here in their homeland or elsewhere. An enemy that stands against all erect dicks spurting justice from their swollen tips. An enemy that would sooner grab a jizzing dick at its hilt and sever it than allow us to have one more ejaculation of freedom.

Honeyboy Bradley posted:

I think I already told this story but it's fresh in my mind so here it goes again:

A few years back I was in Chicago for a while and made an OKCupid profile to score easy women off the internet. I started talking to an asian girl who didn't have any clear pictures of herself on her dating profile. She was down to gently caress the Honeyboy after a night of seductive OKC messages so she gave me her number and address and I drove down to get my freak on.

She lives in Boystown. For those who don't know where Boystown is, it's an area of Chicago where all the gays hang out. We were gonna go to a movie in Boystown's theater and then back to her place for nasty interracial sex.

So I'm driving around Boystown by the movie theater and I see an asian girl standing on the street corner. I'm like 'oh gently caress thats gotta be her' because she had the same body type as the girl's OKC profile. So I slow down in my car and wave at her through the front window. She sees me and comes up to my driver's side window and that's when I see it's a loving man.

Like he had a five o'clock shadow and everything. He looked like Mr. Miyagi with a wig on. So I didn't ask any loving questions I just got out of my car and started beating his rear end. Like I went full Tekken combo on this decadent son of Sodom. Then I spit on him and got back in my car and started driving home.

A few minutes later she starts calling my cell and I pick up because I'm ready to talk mad poo poo to this tranny that tried to trick me into going on a date with him. But it was a woman's voice saying 'Where the gently caress are you? You're fifteen minutes late.'

'Uh, is this not just the person I just met?'

'No? What the gently caress I'm still waiting outside the theater'

And that's when I realized I had unwittingly beat up a tranny prostitute. He probably saw me waving at him through my car window and thought I was a John. So I didn't go out on the date that night I just drove home and jerked off. I still feel bad for doing that though. The prostitute was probably like 'Oh theres a John I'm gonna make some cash tonight' but instead he got dropped.

blazeing w hitler posted:

Sudden movement on the rooftops -- I zoomed in my M16A14 w/ A Cog and fired off a sick double tap on some insurgent wearing velcro shoes, his body sort of just went limp why running & then fell off the roof onto the street lmao. Then I felt sick to by tummy, thinking wow, I just.. killed someone, but I ate a spoiled MRE earlier haha, killing people is loving cool and Im never eading Jambalaya MRE again

genderstomper58 posted:

please post the acog on the rooftops one :|

Honeyboy Bradley posted:

Women in infantry is like a dream come true for those of us with a share drive full of candid military porn.

IDR posted:

i need to find it, hold on

Veins McGee posted:

It's already a dream come true

quote:

Is anything hotter than watching a real straight military enlisted man explore his sexuality with one of his buddies? When he's in a pile of guys from his platoon and they're all tasting each other's balls, cocks and assholes for the first time! You know they've thought about it in the showers, you'll be amazed at how far these straight boys will go when given an excuse to lick their buddy's cock, and then...

overdesigned posted:

Kill all I&I Marines, including me retroactively because I was I&I at a reserve unit for a year and a half.

Hekk posted:

Got home from work this evening and decided it'd be a good time to file taxes. Printed off my W2 only to discover I went the entire year without paying any state taxes. Apparently I have until April 15th to pay my state of residence the twelve hundred dollars I owe them.

Honeyboy Bradley posted:

Just spent five hours posing in the mirror and making kissy faces at myself.

Pufflekins posted:

did you get a boner?

NAPALM CURES NIPS posted:

So this unit i'm with now said that if we can't make it to drill this weekend due to the massive snowstorm coming that we will be UA and have an unsat year and have to add on another year to our contracts.

lol

Veins McGee posted:

You should wreck your car on your way to drill, purely out of spite, and get someone relieved.

USMC503 posted:

Then claim a bunch of injuries and get disability for life.

e: And from experience, it's really hard to get someone relieved, at least on the reserve side. Either that, or my company got buttfucked (totally possible, and is more than likely the case).

NAPALM CURES NIPS posted:

FREE HONEYBOY

Veins McGee posted:

Reserve field grade officers, except for a few majors, are incompetent careerist shitbag.

edit: I've met two 'cool' majors. They both had one common quality: They treated you like a person, instead of barely sentient turds out to ruin their career.

Honeyboy Bradley posted:

IDR posted:

If that is a loving M27 can you tell me what your role in the fire team is?

LEGIT WAR CRIMINAL posted:

First time seeing an M4?

NAPALM CURES NIPS posted:

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/vide...I4vM3Kp3Dh5DsEA

safetyStanddown posted:

Anybody other bros on Camp Leatherneck right now?
Catch me at DFAC5 and say what's up bro.
You can recognize me by my gat cannon: