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I wish I didn't have a story to post here. But I read Grabualsa's E/N thread and it's pretty similar to my own experience. It's cathartic to write it out and maybe this could help someone like his helped me. I have been married to my wife for almost 2 1/2 years. We dated for 10 years. Our 13th (together) anniversary would be on 2/15. I'm about to turn 32, she's 9 months older than me. Unfortunately, she may have lost her mind. We struggled through a lot together, and we screwed up a lot together. We both screwed up in college, washed out, and survived on retail/service jobs for many years. Those times were mostly pretty happy outside the ending month to month money troubles. But there was a lot of mutual support there for a long time. And the relationship was really emotionally intense for a long time (almost all of those years... I couldn't count how many times she said she loved me. And I loved it.) After a lot of service job crap, I have been in a pretty decent salaried job for almost six years, and I got a promotion and 20% pay increase about a year ago. In between this, neither of us had graduated college, and we didn't have much in the way of family support. My wife had a string of retail jobs that never worked out for her. After her last spot of trouble, I encouraged her to go back to school and I told her I would help her as much as I could with it (we had always done separate finances, split most bills 50/50.) Our mutual goal was just to get a nice house and some stability. She had some serious credit problems, mostly stemming back from before I met her, but she had mostly repaired them in the last couple of years.) She went to school, and we were both hoping for more opportunities. She got a BA in anthro about 9 months ago, after about 3 years of renewed studies. I told her I would support her as much as I could in this, and I was sure it would pay off before too long. So I paid all of the sundry bills (groceries, restaurants, etc) for that time, and a fair amount more (most incidentals like car repairs, etc.) I was wrong about it working out that way. The deal we had was that she would finish school, get a reasonable job, and then she could support me when I went back to finish my education. She didn't really use her loan money wisely, unfortunately. Due to our separate finances, I noticed but didn't comment on her buying a lot of collectible cards and figurines. That was accumulative, and I thought it was her money, so as long as she covered what she needed it was... ok. The real problems started, maybe, during her unemployed period. She ran out of loan money a few weeks into that. I told her not to worry and that I would cover everything I could, which I did, for about 7 months. I didn't have a problem with it because I thought things would be better soon. I told her to take her time and find something that she wanted to do. But I'm sure all that time alone at home was difficult. She finally took a seasonal retail job at, uh, X-Mart in mid-November (which I appreciated, really. She was covering her own car payments that way. And I thought she needed to get out of the house) She didn't really like the work, but it helped me with all the bills and let me breathe a little. She did complain a lot about the store (and it is awful and obviously mismanaged) and during a couple of those venting sessions, I told her that she didn't have to keep the job if it was that bad. Around a month ago, she started leaving those work shifts and going out for drinks with her co-workers. I didn't have a problem with that at first. The funny thing is, she was always a total homebody, and she set some pretty strict rules on me being in contact with her when I used to go out quite a lot to bars or house parties (before we got married.) She rarely came, though she was always invited. If I called in or showed up too late I caught a lot of hell. We're talking about years ago here, though. So, blow off some steam after work, fine. First it was going out with a friend, then later she said it was a group. She only told me a little about these people, though, and they're all in their early twenties as far as I've been told (which is great, I wish I still was too.) The first time she went out with them, she asked me why I hadn't dropped by (after she got back, and she just told me she was going, but didn't invite me.) After that, she just told me she was going out with the one friend. We almost never fought or argued for months at a time, for years, before all this. Suddenly, every other day she was showing up at 12:00 - 2 am and not contacting me at all in the meantime (and this is within the span of about 3 weeks. Totally out of character. We had a couple of arguments about that, and she agreed to let me know when she'd be home. I never got another invitation, either. She had not really been a drinker at all before this, and I have seen her getting totally giddy after 2 beers before. So the ~6 hours visits to the bar really worried me. Plus she was driving herself home. But I didn't want to really tell her what to do, because I'd done crap like that myself in years past.) I felt really excluded because I was just sitting at home while she was out. I don't think we have to do everything together, but her just being at the bar so often really bothered me. We argued about that, and she did at least start letting me know when she'd be home. I just asked her to stick to the same rules she set for me. She did, for a day or two, and she at least let me know when she'd be home. Several times she came back pretty disheveled. One of those times she broke her watch and got pretty sick at the bar. Around this time, I noticed that she had been spraying her self down with perfume right before coming home. I ignored it several times, and I asked her about it once. She said she sprayed it on before she left, or that it was to cover up smoke from being around me. I do smoke. But it was really palpable to me, like it happened right before she came inside. That was just it, it was noticeable. In the last 5 days, she rage-quit her X-mart job and came home early. According to her, she was insulted by a manager who told her not to complain and not to talk to people in the common area. She told me that she considered that a firing, so she threw down her badge and walkie-talkie and left. She went out to the bar again that night (again, I was not invited.) We got into another fight when she got home. I told her that the X-Mart thing was not a huge deal, and I could keep covering the bills until she found something else. Next day (Saturday) we were communicating but not getting along real good. She went out to a party at a friend's place, and non-invited me again. She showed up around midnight after not contacting me (again) but she seemed more weird than drunk then. So we argued a bit more, and went to sleep in separate places. She was giving me the silent treatment for about 2 hours when I woke up the next morning, so I left (without saying a word to her) and took a pretty long drive. When I came back, she had left the house and stacked a bunch of brand new luggage close to the door, and left me a note asking to text her if I wanted to talk about anything. I was feeling pretty furious after all of this, so I texted her a . (Pretty petty, maybe.) And she did come back to talk to me for a few minutes. She said she needed a separation from our relationship. I told her that the separation thing wouldn't work, and that if she left, it was done. She left. So I'm a dummy, and I was still too emotionally invested in this stuff. I wrote her a long email about how I was sorry that I couldn't work for her and I was so sorry that I couldn't meet her expectations. I also threw in a line about the perfume stuff... She replied to me saying that I was being passive-aggressive (probably true) and how it cemented her decision to leave. About the perfume thing, she replied in the email that she had "kissed a guy at the bar." I thought maybe that was true and the extent of... whatever. During the last couple of days she asked me to spin off her phone from my account, which I agreed to do. That kind of opened the lines of communication, I guess. I got pretty weak and I asked her if we could sit down and talk through this stuff (not great on my part. I had one browser window on phone service, another on divorce papers. It all looked expensive and sad. And I wanted to see if there was anything to salvage after all this time.) I let her name a time and place, and after jerking me around (no response for 30 minutes; then maybe two days from now; but I will be busy tomorrow. Then - maybe tonight in ten minutes at this crappy restaurant.) I dragged myself down there like a dog on a choke chain, I will confess. There was a lot of questionable stuff going on, but I still wanted to fix things and make them normal, like they were. I told her that we could speak without anger, but I couldn't help but notice that everything I wanted to address got turned into a critique of me. All of the conversation got circular really quickly. I tried to address some of her problems with me and what I could do about them. Not much came out of it. Disdain, maybe? Or disinterest? I did ask her about kissing a guy at the bar. I told her that it was a big deal to me, but I could try and work through that if it was just a drunken mistake. She told me that she didn't tell me about it because I would not have liked it and been mad (truth.) As it came out, though, she told me that it was one of the people she was going out to bars with for the last few weeks, one of the X-Mart employees. And then it was made out with instead of kissed. Based on what I heard first, I thought it was a bad call or a bad situation with some random stranger (not good, but fixable.) I admit to pressing her for more details than was healthy for me. And it was someone she had been hanging around with for a few weeks. She told me that it was just a one-time thing that she did to me out of spite (for the arguments we'd been having, I guess.) I was still dumb enough to ask her what we could do to fix the relationship. She didn't really set terms so much as traps, and she said that she still had to be friends and hang out with the guy in question. I told her that it was a non-starter and non-negotiable that she not be in contact with this guy, and she told me that she didn't have enough friends and she needed them and him, to be around. Wow. I guess she knew how I would respond to that and say that it was not possible and there was no way, that would ever happen. Now, this stuff is petty, but she is basically unemployed and homeless at this point (she moved in with some other friends, but they're also college students and I think only one of the three of them works) but she only has a couple hundred dollars in her bank account as far as I know, and I don't think that they will tolerate her forever. Plus she has 30k~ or more in student loan debt. And she never asked me to pay her recent credit card bills, but based on what she's mentioned they are around 10k plus as well.) The whole situation just makes me really sad, I guess, because I cared so much for her, and we had a lot of good years. We didn't have everything, but I felt we were really close to having everything I thought we both wanted, but I never went off the rails like this either. We did speak somewhat candidly about all the post-separation stuff, after I told her hanging around this guy was non-negotiable. She agreed with me (verbally) that it would be a no-fault divorce deal. I also agreed that she could have access to the house to get her things when I'm not there (and I'm still taking care of her cat and fish, cause they did no wrong.) It's like Borrowers-style stuff, though. I come home every night and I can kind of notice 5 things missing. So she's gone, but she's going very gradually. I've thought a lot about this and it really seems like all the demands are an attempt to put the blame on me for truly ending things. It's just been a tough week. I filed for the no-fault papers this afternoon. The Breakfast Sampler fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2013 around 03:35 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2013 03:07 |
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| # ? May 24, 2013 14:03 |
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Grow a loving spine, dude.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 03:30 |
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Ha, you are right and I should have awhile ago. I wrote and rewrote all that a couple days ago. I added a bit at the end there that should have been there in the first place. I've filed the papers.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 03:37 |
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The Breakfast Sampler posted:Ha, you are right and I should have awhile ago. I wrote and rewrote all that a couple days ago. I added a bit at the end there that should have been there in the first place. I've filed the papers. Hard to do, man. I've been married for 10 years, almost 11...and she's moving to a hotel this weekend before we decide on our next steps. Sometimes, it just doesn't work. Doesn't matter who did what, or who "wins." poo poo just hurts, but if you come out of it a better, more well-rounded person with a bit more spine, it wasn't time lost. I keep telling myself this, anyway, as I was the one who finally suggested that she leave. Chin up, dude. Sun rises tomorrow, I hear.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 03:50 |
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She sounds very immature and petty. Be glad you don't have kids and can make a clean break from this.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 03:55 |
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What kind of collectible cards and figurines?
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:17 |
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There were a number of them, but it was mostly Garbage Pail Kids stuff.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:27 |
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The Breakfast Sampler posted:There were a number of them, but it was mostly Garbage Pail Kids stuff. Those things are loving ugly and gross... just like what your wife did. I hate that you are having to go through this, but the cliche is true: 1.) Exercise 2.) Eat right 3.) Take care of yourself I worked out, changed my wardrobe, bought some cologne, and started enjoying my life during my divorce. Fake it til you make it. Don't get caught in the trap of sitting alone in the dark in your bed or on your computer. I did that also, it helps nothing. You are a cool guy, and you are going to be doing just fine when all this is over. Make your life what you want it to be.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:33 |
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The Breakfast Sampler posted:There were a number of them, but it was mostly Garbage Pail Kids stuff. God drat, I remember those from like...the eighties. I didn't even know they make those anymore. What kind of a disgusting child is your wife?? You're going to get better advice as to how to handle this from more experienced people in this thread, but I just want you to know I'm pulling for you, dude. You seem like you're starting to get things under control. Just keep going the way you're going, and take any free lawyer advice in this thread with a huge dose of salt.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:40 |
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Is it just me or did OP say that his wife spent her college loan money on children's card games and plastic toys? Hopefully after reading what you typed and all the replies in this thread you will realize how much of a doormat you were in that relationship. You should probably not think about getting into another relationship until you fix this. Go through with the divorce. Don't ask her to come back. Geek U.S.A. fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2013 around 04:57 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:48 |
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Give her a deadline by which point she needs to have ALL her stuff out of your house. Tell her that after this point, she won't be allowed back in. Make it reasonably soon. Get your divorce in order quickly. Stop contacting her, and move on with your life. I know this is easier said than done after such a long time with somebody, but she has been cheating on you for weeks (and it was obvious and you should have confronted her about it) and you need to have some respect for yourself. I mean, seriously. It's quite obvious what's been happening. You knew what was happening after the second or third time she came back late without inviting you. Get rid of this toxic influence in your life, work on your self esteem, and move forward.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:49 |
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She sounds absolutely awful. I would've dumped someone like that just for bumming around and having no ambition or motivation. Sounds like she did you a favor. 1. Enjoy your new disposable income. 2. Enjoy your extra time to hit the gym, get swole and feeling good. 3. Enjoy your extra time to learn new things, pick up another hobby, enrich yourself and generally make yourself a better person. 4. Enjoy not having to worry about where she is, who she's with and not worry about the nasty fights. She cheated on you man, she doesn't get to set the terms. 5. Enjoy going out and meeting new, beautiful women. Women who will potentially be your new girlfriend, who will be sane, considerate and awesome while also respecting you as a partner. Stop chasing after this vile woman.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 04:53 |
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How many "doormat husband" threads have we had in past 3 or 4 months? It's times like these I feel the need to start graphing E/N data, which in turn makes me want to kill myself.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 05:07 |
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Toymachine posted:Give her a deadline by which point she needs to have ALL her stuff out of your house. Tell her that after this point, she won't be allowed back in. Make it reasonably soon. This right here. You've both agreed that you're separated. You need to set some clear boundaries on how much access you have to each other's lives and property (goal is zero; sounds like you've already been there in regards to her stuff for years). It's fine to take care of the animals, because as you said, they don't need to suffer/die due to their owners' relationship issues, but make sure this doesn't become another avenue for her to invade your life. They're YOUR pets from this point on. If she doesn't like that, then she can take care of them herself. Don't pay for any more of her poo poo and don't get back together with her for any reason whatsoever.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 05:17 |
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gnarlyhotep posted:How many "doormat husband" threads have we had in past 3 or 4 months? It's times like these I feel the need to start graphing E/N data, which in turn makes me want to kill myself. Fewer than we could have had  Nthing the work out and improve yourself advice OP. It really does help to feel like you're doing something for you instead of wasting your time (years of your loving time) doing poo poo for her.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 06:11 |
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Dude, let's be serious, she didn't just make out with the guy, and she wasn't at the bar all that time she was gone. Whoever this guy is, she was sleeping with him. She doesn't respect you. Get angry, realize you're a person who doesn't deserve to be treated this way and that you're better off without a drain on your finances with the mentality of a 18 year old. Honestly I think she's just realized because she did get together with you when you both were pretty young and have stayed together into your 30's that she didn't get much time to play and is now trying to recapture that. It's not your fault at all that she's doing this and really lovely that she's done it this way. And yes, you have a right to feel smug about the fact that you're in a better position than her despite the fact that she was the one to go to school (and hosed it up.)
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 06:15 |
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OP you're wife hosed some dude, broke your trust, is an irresponsible child and is not someone who you should continue to be around. Hope this helps.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 07:23 |
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I'm still trying to wrap my head around somebody spending so much money on Garbage Pail Kids that it creates a strain on a marriage. Your wife literally has the same hobby as Charlie from Always Sunny. That's never a good sign.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 07:50 |
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I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm not going to rail on you for being spineless, because ending a decade-plus-long relationship is always going to be painful, and it's understandable that you weren't willing to sever immediately. Your soon-to-be ex sounds like an absolute child, though, and she's really dug herself a hole here, so I think you're doing the right thing. My concern right now is the weird Borrowers-style move-out process, plus the fact that you're letting her in unsupervised. Honestly, she sounds petty and impulsive enough that I wouldn't leave her in your house alone -- what if she swipes something of yours to pawn? In my opinion, you should schedule a session (or a few, if she's got a ton of stuff) for her to move her things out, and be there while she does it to make sure she only takes what's hers. I'm sure she's not really prepared for it, but at this point figuring out what to do is her responsibility, and yours is just to get her out as quickly and painlessly as possible.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 08:22 |
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Shasta Orange Soda posted:Your wife literally has the same hobby as Charlie from Always Sunny. That's never a good sign. Oh man that is such a good point, I can't stop laughing. A team of talented writers determined that yes, Garbage Pail Kids are actually the weirdest and funniest thing for Charlie to collect. An illiterate crazy person who lives in filth.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 08:31 |
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Seriously? Garbage Pail Kid cards? The last time I saw those I was in the 5th grade. Wow. Yeah, you need to make a clean break. I've been together with my wife about as long as you have, so I can understand it would be hard, but this... she's just not a healthy person, man, and it sounds like she's making you sick in a way too.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 12:37 |
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I really appreciate all the replies and good advice. I had a hard day yesterday before I filed the papers, but maybe that worked out. It was really tough for me to put all this out there, and besides the post here, the only people I reached out to were my parents and a couple of long time casual friends. I felt really bad for mentioning anything to the casual friends, because the whole situation is so weird and nasty (I didn't tell them any of the details.) I'm really starting to understand how co-dependent the marriage had become and how isolated I let myself get. And I'm understanding now how messed up that was. In retrospect, I can see what has happened but I've been so blinded. I didn't (and haven't) shared all this garbage with anyone else because I didn't want to let anyone know about my own (perceived) failure, and I didn't want it to be broadcast widely just in case we got back together (It ain't happening, now, of course.) As far as the cards / collectibles thing goes, I didn't like it but it was her money as I saw it. (Way too optimistic here, obviously.) And yeah, I think they are pretty awful. I did try to show some interest in it as a common bond, but I could not get into that stuff. I figured everyone needs hobbies, though, and I've got my own nerd hobbies (just games mostly) so I lumped it in with that. Though I haven't accumulated any debt for my interests. Now this is really hosed up, but I can't eat anything in the house because everything that's here was something we bought together. I guess I'm going to have to move pretty soon because almost everything here feels tainted now, and I've been eating nothing but vending machine peanuts and fast-food hamburgers for about the last week. I will try to take better care of myself. I was feeling a lot of self-recrimination earlier too, thinking back over how I could have retroactively prevented all this. It was really awful. But I realized that I haven't changed anything, or done anything. I am the same as I was when we got married, and I thought that she was too. I was feeling really weak yesterday morning, and wanting to reach out to her again. I was feeling so lousy but I needed to do something for myself. While I was filling out the paperwork, I had to contact her (text) for a physical address to be served, which she wouldn't give me before. She responded to me and she knew why I needed it. I plowed on with the papers. I took an extended break from work to file the papers at the court house, and that was really weird too. I knew exactly where it was, because I'd been there several times (including our marriage ceremony) and I've driven past it thousands. But I kept turning down the wrong streets. There were a lot of obstacles I didn't expect. I went to the wrong office first. Then I went to the right office and they needed exact change in cash (I didn't have) or a check (who carries that around anymore?) So I had to leave and walk to the bank across the street. I managed to get the change and file the paperwork, but it was just weird how hard it was (or felt.) For the perfume / cheating poo poo, I have been deluding myself about that too and I wanted to believe that there was nothing more serious than what she claimed. There's been... personal overlap now and I'm a little worried about that (I think I'm fine but I'm jumpy about it too.) And I did have my suspicions but I just couldn't believe she would do this to me. Her father was a serial cheater, now on his fourth marriage, and she hated him and had nothing to do with him, for that reason and what he did to her mother. That, and her not ever behaving like this in the past, is what really blindsided me. And she is immature and irresponsible. I thought that she would grow out of a lot of the things I didn't like, but she's just been regressing in behavior for the last couple of years. She's always had problems with being impulsive and selfish, but I was never on the wrong side of them like this before. I always thought she was the more stable and responsible one. We've both made mistakes (with being responsible) and I thought we'd learned from them. I have been a total doormat and it is something I need to work on. I was less complacent about everything before we got married. I thought that made us grownups, like magic. Everything just seemed so definite after I'd made the real commitment. I need to get back to being the guy I was and I guess I am now anyway. The other thing I've really struggled with is just confusion and trying to understand her behavior. I know I won't and can't ever really understand it, now, and I don't need to. But it's hard to stop turning over the pieces in my mind. I know that all of that doesn't matter now. It's just tough to hammer it in and make that the new reality.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 12:59 |
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If it helps, don't think of this as divorcing your wife. Think of it as cutting a person out of your life who financially ruins themselves to collect Garbage Pail Kids merchandise, regularly gets drunk with people ten years her junior, couldn't hack it at Wal-Mart, and betrayed your trust so she could hook up with a twenty three year old who wears too much cologne (I'm assuming this is why she had to douse herself in perfume).
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 13:13 |
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It sounds like you're on the right track now, man - keep it up. Don't backslide into feeling like this is your fault. What would really be a bummer would be if you end up on the hook for her 30k in student loan debt - she went to school during the marriage, right? I wonder how that works.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 14:08 |
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I don't think there's anything wrong with having weird nerdy hobbies, even "Garbage Pail Kids". The real problem there is the fact that she was spending student aid on them when you guys were in such a lovely financial situation already, I mean that kind of irresponsibility is to be expected from your average college aged student but eventually you're supposed to get your financial poo poo together and not be wracking up thousands of dollars in unnecessary debt over children's toys. I don't think you would have been in the wrong at all about approaching her and telling her she needed to use that money more appropriately, or even better just not accept that portion of the loan at all.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 14:13 |
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Nothing says trust and respect in a marriage like blowing your student loans on booze, dolls, and magic the gathering card while your emasculated husband hands money over to you no questions asked.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 14:26 |
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Everyone's reaction to the thing with the cards just seems funny to me right now. Again, it wasn't something I liked but it wasn't a big deal, beyond being irresponsible with money. Especially the TV show comparison (I haven't seen it, but using that as characterization is really something.) That was really more an aside but I guess it was a sign of something more serious. As far as the debt goes, she agreed to just cut everything clean, and I never co-signed any of it though most of it accumulated while we were married. Of course nothing's happened beyond me filing yet. I just hope she sticks to that and I'm trying to get it all done as fast as possible now. Thanks for the other encouragement too.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 14:39 |
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The Breakfast Sampler posted:Everyone's reaction to the thing with the cards just seems funny to me right now. Again, it wasn't something I liked but it wasn't a big deal, beyond being irresponsible with money. Especially the TV show comparison (I haven't seen it, but using that as characterization is really something.) That was really more an aside but I guess it was a sign of something more serious. Be prepared, there's a good chance you'll be made responsible for the debt, regardless if you cosigned or not. Make sure to talk to a lawyer, because it varies by state. You made a mistake that many people make, but some it never affects. You had separate finances. You shouldn't do that. You both should have oversight into how your money is spent. I mean you can splint out minor amounts for fun money and presents at the like, but the major cash flow of the household should be accountable to both parties. A lot will disagree, but in the end, in the eyes of the law (especially in divorce), it's not "her" money and "your" money, it's both of yours together, regardless of who brought it in. That can count for debts too. It can be annoying at first, and lead to some arguments, but in the end it keeps both parties honest and prevents secret spending, and worse problems down the line. Iron Tusk fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2013 around 15:18 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2013 15:13 |
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Tell me more about X-Mart. Did your wife fight aliens, or was she one of those "professional ladies" mom warned me about?
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 15:17 |
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Hey, this seems familiar... Some thoughts: 1.) I'm really sorry this happened to you. 2.) If it's any consolation, you're the one with a steady job, the ability to act like an adult, and the maturity to end poo poo. Yeah, you were a doormat for way too long, but at least you've recognized it and are moving on, hard as it may be. Long-term, you're going to be just fine and far better off than you were during the marriage, strange as that may seem to you. Short-term, though: 1.) Get a lawyer. I cannot emphasize this enough. You cannot do this on your own. Well, you can, but you'll gently caress it up regardless of how intelligent you are. You are currently negotiating a contract with your wife, whether you recognize it or not. You have no experience in doing this, which is not your fault. The optimal outcome here is that you get everything split up and then you never have her darkening your door at some point in the future. She stands a much better chance of doing that if this doesn't get done with all the Is dotted and Ts crossed. 2.) Don't let her move her stuff out on her own. You need to be there. You don't need to help, but you do need to be physically present so that she can't just up and take stuff. Even poo poo that's yours, once it's in her possession, becomes significantly harder to get back. If you don't think you can handle it, have each of you bring a friend to babysit the situation. It's profoundly awkward, but she's the one that made it so. Not your fault. 3.) Don't be afraid to lean on a couple friends for support. You'd do the same for them. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You were a loving and devoted husband. Not perfect, and you helped enable a lot of her bad behaviors, but your heart was in the right place. You needn't tell everyone the whole story. All they really need to know is that y'all are getting divorced. It's a thing that happens ALL THE loving TIME and it's a much bigger deal for you to tell it to someone than it is for that someone to accept it. 4.) Your wife doing terrible things is not a reflection of who you are, especially because you at least had the self-esteem to put some limits on her "traps" as you termed it. If you want to move eventually, that makes sense. For now, though, you've got a place to stay, and nothing in your house is tainted. Start eating better. Start working out. If you eat vending machine peanuts and fast food hamburgers, you will feel like poo poo physically, and make it that much harder for you to feel ok mentally and emotionally. 5.) See a counselor to talk about some of this stuff. Sounds like you've got some things you need to work on before your next relationship. That's totally fine. Hell, it sounds like you were in your late teens when you got involved with her and that you did a lot of growing up while she didn't. There are worse things to be than "an adult with a good job in his early 30s." Embrace it. When you're ready, you're going to meet some really cool people. 6.) It's OK if you still have feelings for her, even after everything she did. I don't think you can be with someone for as long as you were together and not still have fond memories and feelings. You're not getting back together with her and you recognize this. Keep that up and keep moving forward. Your life is not over. Your life is just getting started, and you're likely in a much better place now than you were at 19 or 20 or whatever you were when you first started dating. You will come through this a better person, and a person better able to have a healthy and lasting relationship. I'm rooting for you.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 15:41 |
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You're probably gonna get saddled with paying alimony and paying half your wife's debts.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 15:47 |
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Maybe it would be a good idea to do some cleaning/rearranging around your house? Make it look different - this way it will remind you of her less.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 15:54 |
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About the food thing- it's not hosed up, it's totally understandable. You should get yourself over to Goons With Spoons and learn how to cook something new. Something that has nothing to do with your wife. Go out, pick up a new cookbook, and try out a new cuisine! Become an Indian food expert, buy a canning set and learn how to make pickles, learn how to make pho, buy a pasta making set and perfect your italian food, bake cakes and pies, whatever! This will give you 1) a fun and interesting hobby that will keep you busy, 2) an excuse to get out of the house, explore new places (Asian food market, indian grocery store, etc), 3) Delicious food that has NOTHING to do with your wife, 4) A wonderful skill (cooking) that the ladies love when you are ready to get back in the dating scene and 5) an excuse to invite a bunch of people over to show off your new skills. Also, I agree with the guy above ^^^ (discount dogs), re-arranging your furniture can make your whole house look and feel different.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 16:51 |
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discount dogs posted:Maybe it would be a good idea to do some cleaning/rearranging around your house? Make it look different - this way it will remind you of her less. This is really great advice. When I broke up with my last girlfriend, she jumped on a plane to the other side of the country and left all her stuff. Moving all her poo poo into a corner in the basement, being able to get to the dresser to put my clothes away, and having use of my dining room again was pretty awesome. It felt like my house again.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 19:46 |
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Several people have given advice about when/how to let her in the house, which is good. I want to suggest that you go to the hardware store, buy some new doorknobs and locks, and just replace them to ensure that she doesn't come by uninvited. It's pretty cheap, and pretty easy to do (they come with instructions). If you don't feel up to that task, at least hire a locksmith to come by and re-key the locks, which should have the same effect. It also might help you start to move on, as it removes her entry privileges, and mentally clumps her with strangers whom you don't want wandering into your house. And it means that if you know other people who have keys to your house, you'll need to get them new ones, if they can be trusted not to let your wife have access to them. Oh, and if you have anything particularly valuable - family heirlooms, precious metals, stacks of cash, stock certificates, whatever - put them in a safety deposit box or an off-site storage facility until she's completely out of your life. No point in taking chances. Peristalsis fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2013 around 20:18 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2013 20:14 |
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Peristalsis posted:Several people have given advice about when/how to let her in the house, which is good. I want to suggest that you go to the hardware store, buy some new doorknobs and locks, and just replace them to ensure that she doesn't come by uninvited. It's pretty cheap, and pretty easy to do (they come with instructions). If you don't feel up to that task, at least hire a locksmith to come by and re-key the locks, which should have the same effect. Do not do this without talking to a lawyer
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 20:56 |
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Skeesix posted:Do not do this without talking to a lawyer This. You can't lock a spouse out of their legal residence.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 21:31 |
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It's a dead horse, but I'd like to zombify it by noting that for a period of time Garbage Pail Kids cards were going for decent prices on Ebay and it was rather profitable to sell them. It'd have been one thing if she was buying them to flip them (it's a genuinely worthwhile skill to have if you're the type to hoard or covet stuff) but that doesn't seem to be the case. If my wife came to me with an actually thought-out plan for things like that and has done some research (basically, like pitching a business frankly) then it'd be great because that's how grown-ups should evaluate financial risks. But yeah, that didn't happen, too bad so sad.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 22:22 |
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The Breakfast Sampler posted:Now this is really hosed up, but I can't eat anything in the house because everything that's here was something we bought together. No, you bought the food. She bought dolls. Go make yourself a loving sandwich.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2013 23:10 |
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| # ? May 24, 2013 14:03 |
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I talked to a lawyer today and I'm meeting him Tuesday. He was willing to answer a couple things I needed to resolve before then, though. He told me to play nice and stick to what I agreed to as far as the house access goes (I don't especially care about much here anyway) so that's the plan until I can sit down with him. It's true that I'm not thinking real straight and I thought I could handle all that myself, but that would have been a really bad idea. I'm getting out of town for a couple days and I'll see how things look when I get back. Your thread helped me a lot. Sorry for all of your stuff too.
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| # ? Feb 9, 2013 00:27 |
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