Man fights off four muggers without dropping his fish & chips

«‹›8 »

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Man fights off four muggers without dropping his fish & chips

powertoiletduck: Feb 19, 2004; dance dance dance

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-21410565

quote:

Wisbech attackers 'fought off by landlord holding chips'

A pub landlord trained in martial arts has said he fought off four attackers without dropping his fish and chips.

John Wood, 37, said he was stabbed with a screwdriver while walking back to his car from Frank's fish and chip shop in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire.

Mr Wood, who runs a pub in Marshland St James in Norfolk, said he "disabled" two men by kicking them in the knees.

He said by coincidence his fiancee texted him while the robbery was happening, urging him to be careful.

Mr Wood, who learned the Japanese art of Aikido as a teenager, said he was approached by four young men on Thursday as he walked down an alleyway close to Lynn Road at about 21:00 BST.

"They said 'we want your wallet' and then my phone rang and they said 'we'll have your phone as well'," he said.

"The irony was it was my fiancee who messaged me saying, 'be careful - it's dangerous out there'.

"I said, 'If you want it, you'll have to come and get it'."He said he managed to kick the first two men in the knees and, using one hand, fought off the third.

A fourth man then stabbed him in his chest but he said he wrestled the screwdriver off him before throwing it away.
'Really scary'

Mr Wood said he drove home and ate his fish and chips - which he managed to keep in one hand the whole time without dropping anything - before telling his partner about the incident.

"I do feel lucky - if they had stabbed me one inch over it would have hit my liver and my lung and someone would have found me bleeding in an alleyway instead," he said.

His fiancee Claire Upton said: "I texted him because it was dark and you do worry about these things, but you don't expect them to happen to someone you know.

"It wasn't bleeding profusely and he refused to go to hospital but he eventually drove himself there because he said it felt odd. It was really scary."

Cambridgeshire Police said they were contacted by the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in King's Lynn to say Mr Wood had been stabbed and have appealed for witnesses.

Timeline:
Typical British man orders fish and chips, gets mugged on way to his car,
Phone recieves text message from wife urging him to be careful, muggers ask for phone

Beats off four men, gets stabbed with screwdriver then drives himself to hospital.
Gets fixed up then drives home eating fish and chips.

powertoiletduck fucked around with this message at Feb 11, 2013 around 23:24

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:00

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 21, 2013 22:21

concerned mom: Apr 22, 2003

"I do feel lucky - if they had stabbed me one inch over it would have hit my steak and kidney pukka pie and someone would have been found bleeding in an alleyway instead," he said.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:03

Pladdicus: Aug 13, 2010

powertoiletduck posted:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-21410565

Timeline:
Typical British man orders fish and chips, gets mugged on way to his car,
Phone rings, muggers ask for phone
Man answers phone whilst holding fish and chips
Beats off four men, gets stabbed with screwdriver then drives himself to hospital.
Gets fixed up then drives home eating fish and chips.

Pretty sure it was just a text and the thing he was holding was his fish and chips.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:04

Some Other Guy: Dec 30, 2004; Can't post for 42 hours!

You messed up the timeline, OP. Read it again.

I imagine the British guy to look like a present day Michael Caine, but he probably looked more like the present day "British Bulldog."

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:05

MonkeyBot: Mar 11, 2005; OMG ITZ MONKEYBOT

Some Other Guy posted:

I imagine the British guy to look like a present day Michael Caine, but he probably looked more like the present day "British Bulldog."

This story is much more hilarious if it's Hugh Grant.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:06

Some Other Guy: Dec 30, 2004; Can't post for 42 hours!

I also imagine the muggers to be David Bowie, Iggy Pop, Keith Richards, and Jimmy Saville.

Now that makes this zany story even MORE zany.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:10

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; A crab is nature's gentleman.

In your timeline you forgot other things that contradict the story that you JUST POSTED, like how he was American.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:11

Twee as Fuck: Nov 13, 2012; Let's be friends again, TV IV!

I swear I won't be an obnoxious fanboy who posts every dumb thought in my head! And I super-swear I'll think before I say something racist! Honest!

Guys?

Guys?

WHY AREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME GUYS?

It's a sad day for England when a man is walking home with the night's tea, his wife happily at home lining up the cutlery, only to then be attacked and stabbed by four men smelling of pubs, wormwood scrubs and right wing meetings.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:13

ashgromnies: Jun 19, 2004

Why do British people always "drive themselves to hospital" rather than "drive themselves to the/a hospital"?

Be right back, I've got to drive myself to store. It sounds weird. What the hell, Brits?

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:14

goomsnarr: Jun 21, 2012

crabrock posted:

In your timeline you forgot other things that contradict the story that you JUST POSTED, like how he was American.

Impossible; he didn't have a gun and neither did he identify his assailants as being from a minority.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:15

PringleCreamEgg: Jul 2, 2004; Once you pop..

Man falls on screwdriver, makes up a story to make it sound way cooler.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:16

Red Bones: Aug 9, 2012

They must have been pretty young if he fought off four of them one-handed. I can't think of a lovely joke about Britain but going home and eating his chips instead of going to hospital does seem like the british way, I bet he just didn't want to cause a fuss at the hospital with a minor stab wound.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:16

Away all Goats: Jul 5, 2005; Back from the dead

Man, I really want some fish and chips right now.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:21

powertoiletduck: Feb 19, 2004; dance dance dance

Some Other Guy posted:

You messed up the timeline, OP. Read it again.

apologies text is not the same as phone call. Error corrected.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:25

iSimian: Jan 19, 2008; Well, there's your problem!

Hand over yer money-volleys!

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:26

peak debt: Mar 10, 2001; b& :(

ashgromnies posted:

Why do British people always "drive themselves to hospital" rather than "drive themselves to the/a hospital"?

Be right back, I've got to drive myself to store. It sounds weird. What the hell, Brits?

They invented the language, they can bloody well decide what's the proper usage!

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:27

SirDan3k: Jan 6, 2001; Trust me, you are taking this a lot more seriously then I am.

Red Bones posted:

They must have been pretty young if he fought off four of them one-handed. I can't think of a lovely joke about Britain but going home and eating his chips instead of going to hospital does seem like the british way, I bet he just didn't want to cause a fuss at the hospital with a minor stab wound.

That depends on what he means when he says he kicked the first two in the knees that can range from, "ow my knee" to never walking with out a limp again. If you permanently maim your first two attackers the next two are significantly more hesitant to engage in a prolonged fight.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:28

Thuryl: Mar 14, 2007; all teeth, all the time

ashgromnies posted:

Why do British people always "drive themselves to hospital" rather than "drive themselves to the/a hospital"?

Be right back, I've got to drive myself to store. It sounds weird. What the hell, Brits?

Probably for the same reason you say "I'm going to school" rather than "I'm going to the school". It emphasises that you're not going to the school/hospital in its capacity as a physical location, but in its capacity as a school/hospital. If you said "I'm going to the hospital", that wouldn't necessarily imply that you were going there to receive treatment (rather than, say, to meet up with someone outside it), while "I'm going to hospital" does.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:34

Some Other Guy: Dec 30, 2004; Can't post for 42 hours!

OP:

1.) He didn't give four guys hand jobs and get stabbed by a screw driver.
2.) The story implies that he drove to the hospital AFTER he ate the fish and chips:

quote:

Mr Wood said he drove home and ate his fish and chips - which he managed to keep in one hand the whole time without dropping anything - before telling his partner about the incident.

"I do feel lucky - if they had stabbed me one inch over it would have hit my liver and my lung and someone would have found me bleeding in an alleyway instead," he said.

His fiancee Claire Upton said: "I texted him because it was dark and you do worry about these things, but you don't expect them to happen to someone you know.

"It wasn't bleeding profusely and he refused to go to hospital but he eventually drove himself there because he said it felt odd. It was really scary."

Also -- I imagine the journalist covering this story to look like Gene Wilder.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:40

Noreaus: May 22, 2008; HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Thuryl posted:

Probably for the same reason you say "I'm going to school" rather than "I'm going to the school". It emphasises that you're not going to the school/hospital in its capacity as a physical location, but in its capacity as a school/hospital. If you said "I'm going to the hospital", that wouldn't necessarily imply that you were going there to receive treatment (rather than, say, to meet up with someone outside it), while "I'm going to hospital" does.

This is a really clear, valid and simple explanation that utterly eludes me whenever I get asked this question by non-brits. Nice, must remember.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:40

Marenghi: Oct 16, 2008

The story sounds fishy to be honest.

He fought off four people one handed, drove home and ate his chips. Only driving himself to the hospital when his chest wound started "feeling funny".

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:42

Luth: Nov 7, 2012; by Y Kant Ozma Post

Fish and chips are really over-rated. Certainly not worth hindering your defensive capabilities over.

# ? Feb 11, 2013 23:56

Octy: Apr 1, 2010

Luth posted:

Fish and chips are really over-rated. Certainly not worth hindering your defensive capabilities over.

You've obviously never had good fish and chips.

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:00

Twat McTwatterson: May 31, 2011

How drunk right now is the drunkest Englishman on the island?

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:00

bluefenderstrat: Jul 8, 2005; What hath God wrought?

Luth posted:

Fish and chips are really over-rated. Certainly not worth hindering your defensive capabilities over.

What about a tasty eel pie?

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:01

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007

Excuse me, but Lamprey pie, thank you very much

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:05

brainsforbrains: Jul 12, 2009; I'll be your Valentino
We'll ride upon an omnibus and then the casino

Jeez, you beat off four guys and all you get in return is stabbed.

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:09

Roumba: Jun 29, 2005; by T. Finninho

They let him eat at the same time. Truly hedonistic.

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:13

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010

Octy posted:

You've obviously never had good fish and chips.

I'd take a screwdiver in the gut for some good fish and chips right now. It's an all consuming craving sometimes.

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:13

Squalid: Nov 4, 2008

Marenghi posted:

The story sounds fishy to be honest.

He fought off four people one handed, drove home and ate his chips. Only driving himself to the hospital when his chest wound started "feeling funny".

I've heard several stories in which someone got stabbed with a screwdriver but didn't suffer any harm to their internal organs. There used to be a show on discovery called More than Human which featured some unlucky bloke who fell on a garden stake and had it enter the stomach and come out his shoulder. Apparently if you get stabbed with a relatively blunt object (relative to a knife) it's as likely to push your internal goo sacks out of the way as it is to puncture them. Which means you only really have to worry about infections.

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:16

Jeza: Feb 13, 2011; The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.

This story really makes you think. You or I could be stabbed by a screwdriver literally at any time - even while eating fish and chips.

Is nothing sacred in broken Britain?

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:22

Limp Wristed Limey: Sep 7, 2010; Bitcoins are the path to freedom.

Yeah there are times after work on Friday where I would take a shanking from a screwdriver for some fish and chips. This man is clearly a hero and embodies the pure

found in some of our great leaders.

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:24

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010

Squalid posted:

I've heard several stories in which someone got stabbed with a screwdriver but didn't suffer any harm to their internal organs. There used to be a show on discovery called More than Human which featured some unlucky bloke who fell on a garden stake and had it enter the stomach and come out his shoulder. Apparently if you get stabbed with a relatively blunt object (relative to a knife) it's as likely to push your internal goo sacks out of the way as it is to puncture them. Which means you only really have to worry about infections.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/drillbit.asp (Side note- the stuff about Phineas Gage was only temporary, he actually recovered a fair bit and was relatively himself, according to newfound sources)

Pardon the snopes link, tried to find the original article and Google kept correcting "brain auger" to "Brian Auger", who's apparently a musician. But, in this case, the dull drill bit did push the brain aside. Generally, though, stabbing is a bad thing to have happen to you. When it comes to knife fights, there's a saying "the loser dies at the scene, the winner dies in the ER".

# ? Feb 12, 2013 00:27