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So I'm 22, and a university student. I guess the problem is that I don't know how to talk to other people. My class is pretty big and we all get along with each other, but I find it hard to really have a conversation with people. I always have to plan ahead to what I'm going to say, and eventually I just run out of things and stop talking, so people sort of gravitate away from me. That's just with people I actually know, when it's someone I haven't met I've got nothing. I've never really thought of myself as shy, I just feel like I'm doing something wrong that comes so easily to everybody else. I'm probably not even making sense. Relationships are obviously out of the question too, I'm not attractive in any case. I just don't know how to have things in common with people, everybody I know just wants to go to clubs and they all seem to love it. This is probably all typical goon stuff, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I should be doing differently.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 00:10 |
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| # ? May 20, 2013 07:55 |
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Exercise, wash, eat well, dress well, do activities that literally force you to co-operate with others. Conversation generates itself. The more you meet with the same people, the less stilted and awkward conversation will be as people work out their boundaries. If you have nothing interesting to talk about, it usually means you aren't doing much interesting that you can talk about. If you can't dredge up anything interesting about yourself, just try your best to be interested in their lives. Be proactive and ask how people are doing/what they are doing or have done/will do. The chances of you having something in common with other people is roughly 100% unless you only enjoy jousting or some poo poo, and even then at least that is interesting.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 00:28 |
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All talking to people involves:
If you have hang-ups about how you look and you think it gets in the way of being able to communicate with someone; either consider changing your look or think about what treatment like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could do for you and your self-esteem. Edit: Don't be smelly and unkempt.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 00:30 |
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Thanks. I do try to talk about other people, but it gets awkward after a while. Eventually I feel like I'm going through a checklist of Things To Ask People. it's not really a natural conversation if I keep having to think ahead so I have something ready to say. To be honest, I'm not sure about how I look. I mean I know people who look worse than me who do just fine, so it's not that simple. And it's not like I do anything weird with my appearance, I've got short brown hair and I like to think I dress pretty well. I also smell great!
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 00:52 |
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Make sure you have a hard rock erection before talking to members of the opposite sex. This is important as a sagging half mast signifies infertility. Also make sure to always wear something showy like a cowboy hat, a tophat or a fedora as it helps you differentiate yourself from your competition. It encourages women to start conversations with you by commenting on the article of clothing you are wearing.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 00:54 |
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If you know any social butterflies, hang around and listen to the way they have a conversation. That will teach you a lot about how to talk to people. You'll see how people keep conversations going, change topics, etc. Watch and practice and you'll be fine.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 01:01 |
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Category Fun! posted:I do try to talk about other people, but it gets awkward after a while. Eventually I feel like I'm going through a checklist of Things To Ask People. it's not really a natural conversation if I keep having to think ahead so I have something ready to say. How long is "eventually?" Like, five minutes into a conversation, or five months into knowing someone? Chances are, if the conversation peters out a few minutes in, the other person doesn't have anything to say either. What do you talk about with your friends?
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 01:07 |
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Category Fun! posted:Thanks. I do try to talk about other people, but it gets awkward after a while. Eventually I feel like I'm going through a checklist of Things To Ask People. it's not really a natural conversation if I keep having to think ahead so I have something ready to say. Running through a "checklist" is kind of contrary to the idea of making an effort to be interested in another person. "Ebb and flow" in a conversation relies entirely on your interest or enthusiasm (don't overdo this though) and practice. Practicing things like picking up on keywords to help you direct the line of questioning is how I got over a lot of my communication anxiety. I was encouraged to try and make small talk in mundane situations with people. If you're shopping a little comment like "You're quite busy tonight" to the cash teller could go somewhere or it could not; if it doesn't, it doesn't really matter anyway because you don't have anything to lose in a situation like that. Even something as small as saying "what floor?" to someone who's just stepped in a lift can go a long way to making yourself more comfortable with communication.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 01:14 |
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Toymachine posted:Also make sure to always wear something showy like a cowboy hat, a tophat or a fedora as it helps you differentiate yourself from your competition. It encourages women to start conversations with you by commenting on the article of clothing you are wearing. You should really wear all three to get the most comments. OP, you may be over-thinking this a bit. I doubt you come off as awkward to other people as you think you do. It sounds like you might have some issues with anxiety. Do you find yourself over-thinking other things as well? You said another few things that indicated low self-esteem. Category Fun! posted:...people sort of gravitate away from me... I just feel like I'm doing something wrong that comes so easily to everybody else. I'm probably not even making sense. Relationships are obviously out of the question too, I'm not attractive in any case. I just don't know how to have things in common with people... I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I should be doing differently. Those things just stuck out to me, as someone who has had the same thoughts as you and said similar things. I say those things because I tend to say anxious and negative things in any circumstance -- like I might freak out and think I'm terrible at my job, or I can't get along with people, or I am horribly ugly, or ...
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 01:58 |
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Let me tell you a secret. Nobody but you can hear your inner monologue. It's a secret unless you speak of it. Most people are just going about their business and really couldn't care less what you, another random person, are doing. Your secret is safe. So, put on a smile, make eye contact, and start up some small talk with 3 strangers tomorrow. Seem genuinely interested in expressing something like "Man, I miss the sun" if it's cloudy out, to a random person you just happened to catch the gaze of. Just do it and you'll find it gets easier with time. Gotta step out of your comfort zone and all that. Alternately, don't worry about it and just do what you do. Are you able to do things like order food at restaurants, ask store employees for help if you need it, and speak up in class if you want something clarified? If yes to all of those, you are doing pretty well, and will probably want to seek out some social activities like clubs or whatever at college if you want to get in a position to meet new people.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 02:23 |
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Every 17 seconds(for the love of GOD make sure it is exactly on the dot) touch your face, and then the face of the person you are talking to. This creates intrigue and mystery, and will keep people interested in what you have to say.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 02:58 |
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Carry an orange loaded flare gun at all times, easily visible. When folks ask you what the flare gun is for tell them "oh yeah, that, I forget I even carry it sometimes. See I work at a museum" They will look very confused, at which point you can say just about anything and they'll dive right in, desperate to change the subject. Or they may walk away. Cops may taze you.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 03:04 |
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I'd rather not have any sort of conversation than have a forced conversation. If you do connect with the person it will just happen.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 03:56 |
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The biggest thing is to have genuine interest in the person you're talking to. If you actually care about the answers to the questions you're asking, then it should be fairly natural to start a flowing conversation. If you don't care, or you're distracted by wondering how you look or what questions you're going to ask after their mouth stops moving and making noise in 15 seconds, people can tell and will be put off and annoyed. Which brings me to the second biggest thing: get some practice. Do something slightly out of your comfort zone that has you talking to strangers. Speed date or something. Go to a bar during non-busy hours by yourself. Join a stupid club. Just talk to people, and try to get to know them a little bit during conversation so you can talk about things you may have in common.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 04:25 |
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Just be out doing anything and wait for some stranger to make a giant idiot of themselves in public. Turn to the nearest person and you have an instant conversation that can lead to you talking about anything really. It's a great way to meet new people.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 07:16 |
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quote:I just don't know how to have things in common with people, everybody I know just wants to go to clubs and they all seem to love it. You don't have to have things in common with people to have a conversation: "I've never really been into clubs myself, I guess its because blah blah blah blah, I haven't been to many though so I dont know, is there anywhere good around here?". The problem there isnt that you dont know what you're talking about, its that you're too anxious to admit that you dont know what you're talking about. massive spider fucked around with this message at Feb 12, 2013 around 11:53 |
| # ? Feb 12, 2013 11:49 |
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Get a hobby. Find people that are interested in the same hobby. Talk to them about said hobby. Congratulations, you're now learning how to talk to other people.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 12:33 |
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also you get a free hobby too!
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 13:23 |
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Stop thinking of conversations as a logical progression. Just let things flow. Talk about common grounds, like the class you're in or the school you both attend. Once in a while, go out on a limb and see if they share the same passions as you. Ask them if they enjoy reading books, and if so who is their favorite author. Stuff like that. Try to pick and choose which topics to bring up. Don't lead in with video games if the person doesn't seem like a gamer. If you don't share many interests with a person, learn about what they're into. Most people love talking about themselves and what they like doing. If you talk like a robot, don't do that.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 13:46 |
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First thing to learn is that when most humans talk to each other they relate experiences and feelings, they do not transfer data. If you are not making them feel something with your speech then they will find you boring and move along.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 14:39 |
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Stop playing video games.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 14:56 |
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I've always been shy around new people, but something that helped me be more social around the workplace was simply reading a book on the subject. You'll find plenty at the library, or I'm sure you can find articles on the Internet about it. Here's the book I personally read. The effect it had on me after reading was that it replaced that little awkward or nervous feeling I got during small talk with my coworkers with some helpful social cues. It'd just help me remember to focus on the enthusiasm in my voice, eye contact, and smiling and such. It's not always about knowing what to say, but more about being friendly and approachable in your tone and face that will help conversations flow a little smoother. People love feeling like somebody genuinely is interested in what they have to say.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 15:44 |
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Smile, but not too forced. Present pleasantness. Speak slowly and clearly, but not overly so. Stick to positive topics. Don't engage in bitch sessions or "man this class sucks" type of conversations. Control your brand. I'm an introvert who has forced himself to be social to the point where I'm quite good at it.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 15:57 |
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You should be prioritizing making yourself more attractive instead of improving your conversational skills because most people in your class won't give a poo poo about what you have to say unless you're one of those charismatic ugly people. You'll even find that not being great at conversations won't matter (to an extent) if you get better looking! Play less computer games. razamataza fucked around with this message at Feb 12, 2013 around 16:00 |
| # ? Feb 12, 2013 15:57 |
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Category Fun! posted:Thanks. I do try to talk about other people, but it gets awkward after a while. Eventually I feel like I'm going through a checklist of Things To Ask People. it's not really a natural conversation if I keep having to think ahead so I have something ready to say. Everyone here who has thought they were ugly has posted a picture and we've been able to come up with changeable reasons as to why they're ugly. You basically have to be a deformed shovelface in order to be ugly beyond repair. drat near every ugly person I see could look better by losing weight/developing better grooming habits/better clothes that fit properly/etc. The amount of people who are both young and genetically ugly is slim to none. Do you have jangly teeth, fetal alcohol syndrome, fish face, lazy eye etc? If so, you're probably ugly. If not, you can probably make a few changes to spruce up your appearance. If you want, post a pic and we'll tell you why people think your ugly and how to change that. (Or we'll just tell you that you look fine.) If not, disregard.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 17:21 |
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Tarq posted:Smile, but not too forced. Present pleasantness. This sounds awfully forced and robotic. Do less robot interaction OP. Be genuinely interested in what others do/say and have something to contribute. What kind of hobbies/activities do you do (not video games)?
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 18:28 |
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/\/\ It is forced, but that's a bit of the point. It's fake till you make it. I'm also a natural introvert who (over the years) has learned to be social. Now it's natural, but for a while it wasn't. At. All. I would differ with the 'don't bitch about classes' point. If it's a universally reviled class, then chime right in. It's camaraderie, or misery loves company if you will. My own two cents of advice is to read the news (local and more worldly) and keep mostly up to date on whatever sports/teams are popular where you live--even if you don't personally care. That way, it's easy to strike up a "Hey, do you think Carp's really done pitching? Man, that sucks!" [Yes, and it does in fact suck.] or "poo poo dude! The news was weird yesterday--the Pope quit! What's up with that?" conversation to break the ice. Then pay attention to the other person's responses and gauge where to go from there. That part can be learned if it's not natural to you--if you pay attention to social cues, you will catch on. Fake it till you make it.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 20:24 |
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Go find yourself a part time job that makes you talk with people. For instance: cab driving, waiting tables, customer service, insurance sales/claims, etc. You should find that as you're forced to talk with people about all sorts of random things your people skills will go up tremendously.
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 21:22 |
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ashgromnies posted:You should really wear all three to get the most comments. I think you're right on this, I never get the impression that anybody notices, but then again that's kind of the problem. When I'm out with friends I never really know what to say, so people end up talking around me. Like I said, I don't think I'm shy, I don't mumble or anything, it's just wen I'm having a proper conversation I have no idea what to say next. As for over thinking things, oh god yes, all the time. Last week someone sent me a text asking if I was going to the pub quiz and I didn't reply for 10 minutes because I was thinking "Oh god what the gently caress why did she text me why does anyone want to know if I'm going"
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| # ? Feb 12, 2013 22:59 |
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Category Fun! posted:As for over thinking things, oh god yes, all the time. Last week someone sent me a text asking if I was going to the pub quiz and I didn't reply for 10 minutes because I was thinking "Oh god what the gently caress why did she text me why does anyone want to know if I'm going" Usually that means they want you to be there 
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| # ? Feb 13, 2013 18:47 |
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Category Fun! posted:I think you're right on this, I never get the impression that anybody notices, but then again that's kind of the problem. When I'm out with friends I never really know what to say, so people end up talking around me. Like I said, I don't think I'm shy, I don't mumble or anything, it's just wen I'm having a proper conversation I have no idea what to say next. You are adorable.  The correct thing to think in that situation is 'Yes', by the way. That doesn't take ten minutes.Anyway, stop overthinking social situations. I could go on and on about that point, but there it is. It takes some self control and practice but it's totally doable. No checklist I could give you would work, because conversation isn't about checklists. The point of asking questions is to find a topic that is mutually interesting as a jumping off point. Much like wikipedia, there is no knowing where the associations will lead you from there so any planning is irrelevant. There's a reason there are no real life Puppetmasters. Individual people are unpredictable, which keeps things interesting.
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| # ? Feb 13, 2013 20:59 |
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I don't know if this might help you understand your problem, but maybe this applies to you? http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_tur...e_together.html Basically a lot of people are becoming big idiots who can't handle face-to-face conversation. It's not just you.
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| # ? Feb 13, 2013 21:33 |
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It sounds to me like you're really worried that your friends are going to reject you because of some unspecific social mishap that you fear you're going to have. I can assure you that's not the case, especially when you have friends that like to go clubbing. They probably do awkward poo poo all the time. I think what you should start with is just going to do stuff with your friends (like the pub quiz), don't worry about trying to have a list of things to talk about, and just listen to them. Just listen, smile, laugh at things that they say, and nobody will think you're a huge weirdo. Once you feel comfortable enough to chime in, just wait for something you feel you can talk about. Life isn't really like the Something Awful forums, where most goons are overly critical of anything that isn't top-shelf comedy and drama. If you're at the pub quiz, saying something simple or mundane like "Aw man, I thought I had that one!" and smiling about it when you get a question wrong is a normal reaction to something like that, and people will like that you are enjoying yourself, and probably smile and/or laugh themselves.
Mahuum Aqoha fucked around with this message at Feb 13, 2013 around 23:08 |
| # ? Feb 13, 2013 23:03 |
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Mahuum Aqoha posted:It sounds to me like you're really worried that your friends are going to reject you because of some unspecific social mishap that you fear you're going to have. I can assure you that's not the case, especially when you have friends that like to go clubbing. They probably do awkward poo poo all the time. I think what you should start with is just going to do stuff with your friends (like the pub quiz), don't worry about trying to have a list of things to talk about, and just listen to them. Just listen, smile, laugh at things that they say, and nobody will think you're a huge weirdo. Once you feel comfortable enough to chime in, just wait for something you feel you can talk about. Life isn't really like the Something Awful forums, where most goons are overly critical of anything that isn't top-shelf comedy and drama. If you're at the pub quiz, saying something simple or mundane like "Aw man, I thought I had that one!" and smiling about it when you get a question wrong is a normal reaction to something like that, and people will like that you are enjoying yourself, and probably smile and/or laugh themselves. I don't have a problem with speaking in general, I don't avoid talking because I think what I want to say sounds stupid. When I'm just generally in a conversation with people my mind goes blank and I don't know what I should say next. The quiz was just an example, it's really any situation like that, nights out, parties, whatever. Eventually the conversation drifts away from me. I usually always leave early because I end up on my own. I don't think it's something people notice.
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| # ? Feb 14, 2013 20:10 |
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Are you approaching both genders equally to talk to? When you talk about your attractiveness or lack thereof, that says to me that you might be approaching the opposite sex more often. If that's the case, I can tell you that some women will assume that you are coming on to them by singling them out to talk to them, and that in and of itself is an inherently awkward situation. For example, I'm a married woman in college. At the beginning of the semester, some guy took a seat by me and introduced himself, shaking my hand. He then kept trying to make conversation with me throughout the class, mostly on topic and nothing off-putting. Very eager and sincere. That being said, because a.) I don't know this guy and b.) for all I know he might be hitting on me, the next class I quietly took a seat somewhere away from him. I didn't do it to be mean to the guy; I just didn't want to deal with it. Ultimately, it depends on what you're looking for. If this is just a problem with people in general, we all have a degree of awkwardness in us. Maybe you're just a quiet person. That's okay, and it certainly doesn't warrant any fixing. Above all, it sounds like you need to work on your confidence, which is an exercise/therapy thing.
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| # ? Feb 14, 2013 20:30 |
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Have you tried peacocking? Then you can talk about your cool hat or whatever.
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| # ? Feb 14, 2013 21:19 |
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bunnybean posted:Are you approaching both genders equally to talk to? When you talk about your attractiveness or lack thereof, that says to me that you might be approaching the opposite sex more often. Jesus, I think I've given the totally wrong impression. I'm talking about people who I'm already friends with. This isn't about approaching strangers or flirting, I know that's no an option for me. Sorry, I don't think I'm making any sense.
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| # ? Feb 15, 2013 00:18 |
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bunnybean posted:If that's the case, I can tell you that some women will assume that you are coming on to them by singling them out to talk to them, and that in and of itself is an inherently awkward situation. For example, I'm a married woman in college. At the beginning of the semester, some guy took a seat by me and introduced himself, shaking my hand. He then kept trying to make conversation with me throughout the class, mostly on topic and nothing off-putting. Very eager and sincere. That being said, because a.) I don't know this guy and b.) for all I know he might be hitting on me, the next class I quietly took a seat somewhere away from him. I didn't do it to be mean to the guy; I just didn't want to deal with it. I don't wanna rail on you, but jeez that guy probably felt like poo poo. People notice things like that. What's wrong with just politely and subtlety dropping that you're married?
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| # ? Feb 15, 2013 00:28 |
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Atom posted:I don't wanna rail on you, but jeez that guy probably felt like poo poo. People notice things like that. What's wrong with just politely and subtlety dropping that you're married? It's not her responsibility to worry about some guy's feelings. It was incredibly rude of him to intrude upon her in an environment where she couldn't easily get away. Yes, she could've told the guy that she was married, but the man is still at fault for trying to hit on her in a goddamn classroom.
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| # ? Feb 15, 2013 00:39 |
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| # ? May 20, 2013 07:55 |
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Category Fun! posted:Jesus, I think I've given the totally wrong impression. I'm talking about people who I'm already friends with. This isn't about approaching strangers or flirting, I know that's no an option for me. Sorry, I don't think I'm making any sense. Do you talk about yourself/tell funny stories that happened to you sometimes? Do you ask questions about whatever the other person is talking about? At last resort, do you just comment on whatever is on TV/going on around you/whatever thought pops into your head? It seems like you're too focused on having a straight line conversation. Diverge, talk about everything, there's never something you can't talk about.
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| # ? Feb 15, 2013 00:39 |
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