Third Annual Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year (and 3/4) Tournament

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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium* > The Football Funhouse > Third Annual Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year (and 3/4) Tournament

Ben is not cool: Feb 17, 2007; Dan is the Man

It's that time of the year again!

After taking a year off for personal reasons, it is time for the third edition of the Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year Tournament!

Year one gave us our namesake as Mr. Roethlisberger made easy work of Craig James to take the first title. Year two, in a shocker, the 8th circuit court of appeals upended Jim Tressel and awarded Dan Snyder the first ever Lifetime Douchievement award for a lifetime of douchebaggery. This year? Who knows, but my money is on Bobby Petrino.

Current Standings (Thanks, Militree, you rock!)

Year 1:

Here is how it is going to work this year:

Nomination Rules

NOMINATIONS ARE OPEN RIGHT NOW. That's right, you the fans get to pick who makes it into the tournament AND your nominations will determine the seeding. To be eligible, the douche must have done something douchy since the close of the last tournament, which was May 2011. Nominations will be done a little bit differently this year, in a style similar to the voting. You can nominate as many douches as you want. Your douche will get one point if you just put in their name, an additional point if you give a writeup on them, and an extra point if you give me a good piucture of them. NO RIVALS DOT COM PUNS. These are terrible people, but this is a super serious tournament, so please BOLD THE NAMES AND SPELL THEM CORRECTLY.

SANDUSKY AND PATERNO ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. THERE IS A LINE BETWEEN DOUCHE AND EVIL
Past winners lifetime winners are not eligible (Dan Snyder)

THE BRACKET
This will once again be a 32 douche tournament, but the bracketing will be done a little differently. To ensure a final four with variety, instead of seeding everyone 1-32, there will be four different eight douche conferences, as follows:
Players Conference: Self explanatory
Administrators Conference: Coaches, owners, any front office type
Media Conference: Sportswriters and TV personalities
Wildcard conference: Anyone who does not fit into the above. Past participants who would have been grouped here are Cecil Newton and Harvey Updyke. If there are not enough participants, the best of the rest will fill in here.

For shits and giggles, each matchup will be named after a bowl game

THE TOURNAMENT
It's simple. One match per day, each match lasting 24 hours. You will vote for the bigger douche, and your douche of choice will receive anywhere from 1-5 points depending on the amount of effort you put into your vote. For example, type their name, get one point. Add a good reason, get two. Write a hell of a lot, get three. Make original artwork, get five. VOTE MUST BE BOLDED

I have help this year!
Traitorous Leopard has been kind enough to spreadsheet some stats and design the bracket for me because I am both artistically and computer technology illiterate. The post below this one will be regularly updated as data is gathered and graphed.

I DECLARE THIS TOURNAMENT OFFICIALLY OPEN. START NOMINATING NOW!

Ben is not cool fucked around with this message at Mar 7, 2013 around 22:59

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:31

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# ? May 26, 2013 07:09

Traitorous Leopard: Jul 20, 2009

Militree's fuggin amazing bracket

Militree posted:

Since I nominated him, I gotta throw my vote in for Shaughnessy.

Here's my effort. I hope I didn't step on anyone's toes.

My host: Link for Big Link for Super Big
(Thanks imgur for compressing it to a crappy jpg)

e: Just realized I didn't add the correct pictures for the last 4 of the Wildcard part. I'll get to that soon, I swear.

e2: VVV You're right. NOt very good at brackets. Fixed that stuff.

Traitorous Leopard fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2013 around 00:12

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:31

Chichevache: Feb 16, 2010

Parrish Cox is a rapist who impregnated his victim. His defense during the trial was that he did not have intercourse withhis victim, Which is a gutsy call considering a DNA test on the fetus proved he was the father. He got off because while the jury acknowledged he was the father, they did not have evidence that the sex was not consensual.

Chichevache fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 01:36

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:34

Darth Brooks: Jan 15, 2005; Remember the past, and that there is a future.

Is it too late to nominate Joe Paterno?

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:39

Ben is not cool: Feb 17, 2007; Dan is the Man

Darth Brooks posted:

Is it too late to nominate Joe Paterno?

I just added it to the OP, but he and Sandusky are not eligible. Evil and douche are not the same thing.

Ben is not cool fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 01:57

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:48

swickles: Aug 21, 2006; Scoring? No, sir, I trust my opponents to be men of upstanding moral character.

What about Jay Paterno then? Or Franco Harris? Or are we just doing a blanket "no Sandusky poo poo at all" rule. Its not really evil what they are doing, but that would open up a lot of nominations.

My official nominee: NCAA President Mark Emmert

He probably would have been nominated for many things, including the way he handled the Penn State case. However, he really padded his resume with the superb botching of the Miami investigation. He is the President and is a great face for the NCAA as an organization on whole.

swickles fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 01:54

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:50

Sweeney Tom: Aug 9, 2012; The elite quarterback, seen here in its natural element.

Can I nominate Jovan Belcher, or does that count as evil?

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:50

HMS Beagle: Feb 13, 2009

I feel like someone should be nominated for the referee lockout, but who? Goodell?

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:55

Ben is not cool: Feb 17, 2007; Dan is the Man

swickles posted:

What about Jay Paterno then? Or Franco Harris? Or are we just doing a blanket "no Sandusky poo poo at all" rule. Its not really evil what they are doing, but that would open up a lot of nominations.

My official nominee: NCAA President Mark Emmert

He probably would have been nominated for many things, including the way he handled the Penn State case. However, he really padded his resume with the superb botching of the Miami investigation. He is the President and is a great face for the NCAA as an organization on whole.

I will just exclude Sandusky and Joe Pa. They should not be remembered for anything, so scratch what I said earlier.

HMS Beagle posted:

I feel like someone should be nominated for the referee lockout, but who? Goodell?

Go ahead and nominate him. Hell, nominate the replacement refs themselves. I'd accept that as a united group.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:55

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Chris Culliver: Noted homophobe and terrible football player. His performance in the Super Bowl was the height of schadenfreude.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:56

Akbar: Nov 22, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT HOW SHORT TIMING ROUTES CAN SUBSTITUTE FOR A RUNNING GAME

IDIOT.

^^^^ Culliver's just dumb and ignorant like pretty much all pro athletes. I'd say the height of schadenfreude was seeing Pete Carroll lose a playoff divisional game by trying and failing to ice a kicker.

One of Woody Johnson or Mike Tannenbaum (depending on who you trust) for signing Tim Tebow entirely as a marketing grab and without any intention of letting him compete for a QB spot against Mark "buttfumbles" Sanchez. Not only was this a dick move to Tebow, it brought such stupid media circus coverage that it totally sunk the Jets as much as their poo poo-rear end play on the field.

Is Dan Snyder still eligible for this year? I'd also like to nominate him for keeping such a poor field that RG3's knee died for his sins.

Akbar fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 01:58

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:56

Ben is not cool: Feb 17, 2007; Dan is the Man

Akbar posted:

One of Woody Johnson or Mike Tannenbaum (depending on who you trust) for signing Tim Tebow entirely as a marketing grab and without any intention of letting him compete for a QB spot against Mark "buttfumbles" Sanchez. Not only was this a dick move to Tebow, it brought such stupid media circus coverage that it totally sunk the Jets as much as their poo poo-rear end play on the field.

They are now a duo called The Tebow Hiring Co.

"Akbar"[/quote posted:

Is Dan Snyder still eligible for this year? I'd also like to nominate him for keeping such a poor field that RG3's knee died for his sins.

He won the lifetime douchievement award last year and is exempt from all tournaments. I will update the OP to reflect this, as he will always be a douche.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:59

Diqnol: May 9, 2010; Walrus uses Spread Eagle!
It's not very effective...

Michael Vick is a guy who went ahead and played like a gigantic doofus all of the 2012. He had one good game and, despite what you may think, played horribly with AND without a line. In 2011, he was also pretty terrible and a big part of the reason we went 8-8. And this guy, this loving guy, he has the loving BALLS to say the Eagles may well be a DYNASTY in august 2012. A loving DYNASTY. Vick was also unwilling to restructure his contract despite playing like total loving rear end and is now hitting the team's cap for way more than he should be given his level of performance. Oh, and the dude accepted contractually conflicting endorsements.

Here's some Michael Vick quality play where everyone thought he was concussed but the doctors later verified nope

Still not convinced? Here's an article also explaining why this guy is a douche

Vote Michael Vick.

_{Just look at that face}

My second nomination is Jim Harbaugh. Dude promises to take losing the Superbowl respectfully and instead shuts out the media for a whole day, and when he finally starts talking does nothing but bitch about a lack of call on the last offensive SF play of the game. I didn't see him shake his brother's hand after the game. Harbaugh has allegedly done pretty cocky things, too that in that case, at least, he vehemently denies.

Do you guys remember this?

How about this?

Sure, maybe he's more of a baby than a douchebag, but he's definitely a douchebag, too.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 01:59

Toussaint Louverture: Mar 31, 2007; Atkins Diet

Chris Culliver, noted homophobe and superbowl loser, deserves to lose to a DUI or rapist in the sweet sixteen.

Toussaint Louverture fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 02:29

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:01

Obama Yo Mama: Jun 19, 2004; What about the NLCS?

STAY AWAY FROM THAT

DO NOT GO TO THE NLCS

I want to nominate Jim Delany but it's mainly because he's destroying college hockey, but everyone knows the B10 is loving dumb in football anyway so why not

And, I can't be the only one who thinks all of Ray Lewis' God nonsense during the playoffs was supremely douchey

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:06

Magnitogorsk.: Nov 14, 2004

I'll go ahead and make the obvious nomination of Gregg Williams for cheating in the dirtiest way possible, running an illegal bounty program to financially reward his players for intentionally injuring opposing players.

And I'll second Ray Lewis for saying "God doesn't make mistakes" or something similar when asked what he'd say to his victim's families. Along with his other douchebaggotry

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:07

mcmagic: Jul 1, 2004; I HAVE NO THOUGHTS A THIRD GRADER WOULD FIND WORTHWHILE BUT I REMAIN CONVINCED YOU NEED TO HEAR THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Larry Fitzgerald for promoting that awful scam University of Phoenix.

Tim Tebow for speaking at some horrible homophobic jew hating church.

Woody Johnson for being an incompetent moron and caring more about Mitt Romney winning than the Jets making the playoffs.

Bill Belichick for cheating. (You know he's still cheating)

mcmagic fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 02:14

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:08

Diqnol: May 9, 2010; Walrus uses Spread Eagle!
It's not very effective...

Oh, I almost forgot Cowboys nose tackle Joshua Brent. This motherfucker got drunk, hit and killed his reported best friend and teammate Jerry Brown Jr. Witness Stacee McWilliams claims Brent was going to leave his still alive friend under the burning wreckage that was Brown's car and that McWilliams had to beg for him to intervene. (yeah it's Deadspin, wanna fight about it?) This may be considered more evil/terrible than douchebag but I think he deserves a nomination. You may want to nominate Jay Ratliff for getting involved in drinking and driving just 2 months after the above-described fiasco.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:12

Ben is not cool: Feb 17, 2007; Dan is the Man

Toussaint Louverture posted:

Chris Culliver, noted homophobe and superbowl loser, deserves to lose to a DUI or rapist in the sweet sixteen.

mcmagic posted:

Larry Fitzgerald for promoting that awful scam University of Phoenix.

Tim Tebow for speaking at some horrible homophobic jew hating church.

Woody Johnson for being an incompetent moron and caring more about Mitt Romney winning than the Jets making the playoffs.

Bill Belichick for cheating. (You know he's still cheating)

Please bold your votes.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:12

Traitorous Leopard: Jul 20, 2009

I'm gonna nominate Todd Graham for his ladder-climbing shenanigans. Ladder-climbing itself isn't douchey, but the way he has handled it is prime-douche material. When he left Pitt for ASU, the players were notified by a text message forwarded to them by the director of football operations.

Look at this motherfucker

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:17

swampface: Apr 30, 2005

Titus Young for getting sent home from training camp for punching Louis Delmas, lining up in the wrong spot on purpose to try and get the ball (which funny enough, had he lined up correctly he would have gotten it), and actually believing he's better than Calvin Johnson. Plus amazing twitter quotes such as these:

Titus Young posted:

Like I said I never been selfish but if I'm not going to get the football i don't want to play anymore

Titus Young posted:

Never have I ran the wrong route, just put my self where the ball was going

Titus Young posted:

Oh I'm not done, if y'all going to cut me let me go. I'm tired of the threats.

I don't know if he can compete with homophobia, DUI, and murder, but he's got douchebag covered.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:18

DOOP: Sep 3, 2011; On the first day of DOOPmas, Philly gave to me...
One JaaaaaaackMaaaaaac

Graham Spanier, Tim Curley, and That Schultz Guy for obvious reasons

Rob Parker for his "cornball" RG3 comments

Mike Shanahan for sending RG3 back out on the field

Skip Bayless just because

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:30

Chichevache: Feb 16, 2010

I dislike the argument over whether or not a person's actions are evil or douchey. Clearly an evil act can qualify one for the douche award, it is named for Roethlisberger. I would personally argue that surprise sex is more evil than douchey, hence evil acts qualify one for a douche award.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:33

Chichevache: Feb 16, 2010

DOOP posted:

Skip Bayless just because

Because he is a loving douche.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:33

sweet thursday: Sep 16, 2012; all the pretty whoreses

Chichevache posted:

I dislike the argument over whether or not a person's actions are evil or douchey. Clearly an evil act can qualify one for the douche award, it is named for Roethlisberger. I would personally argue that surprise sex is more evil than douchey, hence evil acts qualify one for a douche award.

Listen to this man. He's like a duck in water.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:35

momtartin: Jul 22, 2007; Not to be confused with poptartin

Mike Holmgren - hired Pat Shurmur as the HC of the Browns as a favor to his buddy, even though Shurmur had no right to be a HC

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:35

Chichevache: Feb 16, 2010

sweet thursday posted:

Listen to this man. He's like a duck in water.

More like vinegar

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:49

HOTLANTA MAN: Jul 4, 2010; ~~**I'M OLD AS FUCK**~~

I'll second a vote for Titus Young for being a gigantic bitch

# ? Feb 15, 2013 02:59

LiquidFriend: Apr 5, 2005; Hello John, I
JUST WIN GAMES

I'd like to nominate not one, but two Chiefs this year. Well, former Chiefs now.

1. Jovan Belcher - Killing his wife/girlfriend for being out late at a Trey Songz concert.

2. Scott Pioli - Was more concerned about proving people wrong and keeping up a profile of secrecy and paranoia over doing what was best for the team. Ran out employees for being old, was desperately looking for a reason to fire his Head Coach less than a year after winning the AFC West, sabotaged a team and season to white knight for Matt Cassel. Knowing that he was a colossal failure that cost Clark Hunt millions in bad contracts for QB's and coaches, he made sure to get a big settlement on the way out the door.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 03:08

CaptainYesterday: Sep 14, 2011; The cock of the walk

Colin Cowherd for being a smug bootstrapper.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 03:22

commy gun: Apr 5, 2009

I nominate Roger Goodell for bountygate and replacement refs debacle.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 03:24

Chichevache: Feb 16, 2010

CaptainYesterday posted:

Colin Cowherd for being a smug bootstrapper.

Seconded

# ? Feb 15, 2013 03:33

Elotana: Dec 12, 2003; and i'm putting it all on the goddamn expense account

Tommy Tuberville for his dine-and-dash from Texas Tech and subsequent poaching of their recruits

# ? Feb 15, 2013 03:35

Detroit_Dogg: Feb 2, 2008; #YOLO

Ben is not cool posted:

I just added it to the OP, but he and Sandusky are not eligible. Evil and douche are not the same thing.

I demand a revote then because Craig James should have won

Detroit_Dogg fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 03:52

# ? Feb 15, 2013 03:50

wheez the roux: Aug 2, 2004; we have this quarterback. insha'allah.

Matt Millen: Matt millen matt millen, matt millen matt millen matt millen matt millen. Matt, millen. Matt millen; matt millen matt millen.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 04:01

El Gallinero Gros: Mar 17, 2010

Chichevache posted:

Seconded

I'll he happy to vote for this every year, I've never forgiven Cowherd for making GBS threads on Eddy Guererro days after Eddy passed away. I don't care if Colin doesn't like wrestling, but he decided that the news of Eddy's death was a good time to get on his soapbox about how stupid wrestling is. What a loving tool.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 04:15

chaoslord: Jan 28, 2009

He was mentioned in the OP, but hasn't been officially nominated (unless it flew over my head...), so I can't let Bobby Petrino go without mention.

He managed to

Cheat on his wife
Hire the girl he was having an affair with to the University's staff
Lie to the AD about his relationship with her
Tried to cover up the fact that she was there when he wrecked his motorcycle, but the police had to report it
Before the police report could be FOIA'd, he lied about her being there
Be the reason John L Smith coached the Razorbacks into the ground, ruining my first year of watching them after my mission.

Seriously, I missed the two best years we've had in my life time, and when this year was poised to rival them, his douchebaggery stole that away.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 05:34

C. Everett Koop: Aug 18, 2008; madam, your hydraulic pressure is atrocious!

wheez the roux posted:

Matt Millen: Matt millen matt millen, matt millen matt millen matt millen matt millen. Matt, millen. Matt millen; matt millen matt millen.

Seconded seconded seconded. gently caress Matt Millen.

# ? Feb 15, 2013 05:46

Ogmius815: Aug 25, 2005; Hussein?

I'd like to nominate Tony Dungy, for giving everyone watching SNF a lecture on good parenting after driving his adopted gay son to suicide. TOny is also friends with all of the worst football people.

I'd also like to niminate Bob Costas for being a terrific douche almost ever week on that program.

I'd also like to nominate Skip Bayless, because there's absolutely no way he isn't doing it on purpose; no one is that dumb.

I'd also like to nominate Jim Harbaugh, for being a whiny baby pretty much all of the time.

I'd also like to nominate ~~Joe Flacco~~ hahaha just kidding, Flacco doesn't have enough personality to be any kind of douche, although if he really does think he's on the same skill tier as Brees, Brady, Manning the Elder, and Rodgers he is a complete idiot.

Speaking of, I'd also like to nominate Peyton Manning for being a commercial whore and staring in commercials with that fascist from Papa John's.

I in particular want to nominate Gregg Williams for being a cheater and making football more dangerous by means of his cheating. He should be banned for life.

On the other hand, It's also like to nominate Roger Goodell for pretending to care about player safety while actually being the very archetype of a corporate tool. Also for reinstating Gregg Williams.

Ogmius815 fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 05:53

# ? Feb 15, 2013 05:47

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# ? May 26, 2013 07:09

Rogue Elephant: May 1, 2007

I nominate Sam Hurd for getting busted trying to set up a massive drug ring in December of 2011.

I also nominate Matt Birk for being a homophobic rear end in a top hat.

Chad Johnson/Ochocinco for being a wife beater.

Rogue Elephant fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2013 around 05:56

# ? Feb 15, 2013 05:52

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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium* > The Football Funhouse > Third Annual Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year (and 3/4) Tournament