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Short story: mom has been an alcoholic for five years. As a result of her alcoholism she has lost two jobs, her house, car, and boyfriend. She has been in and out of rehab twice. I'm not sure why I'm making this thread, just wanted to type all this out, I guess. History: My mom is an only child who never knew her father and has no siblings. In the mid-80s my mom and dad moved to the south from the midwest. In '92 my father and my mother's mother died leaving just my mom and I. My mother's family at this point only consists of 2 aunts and 3 cousins and myself. Since my mom had an okay job and not much family, she decided to just stay down in the south. About 4 years after my father's death she met a man and was with him for about 6 years. He was an okay guy, but would have huge drinking binges about twice a year and verbally abuse my mom. She didn't want to deal with that any more so she kicked him out. During my middle and high school and first few years of college I'd say my mom was a "super mom" and I was very proud of her. I was involved with band throughout that time and she would make sure to come to just about every show, do all the fundraisers, trips, etc. I felt I was all she had so I was very close to my mom, I'd take her to movies and sit out and watch TV with her most weeknights and chit chat. We were pretty poor, but life was good given the circumstances. The only drinking she did throughout my life was she'd occasionally have a glass or two of wine before bed. My mom would always talk about how anxious she was and how that would help her some nights. I went to college and moved out, however, the school was only 30 miles away so no big deal. I felt my mom resented me slightly about this since I could have commuted. I moved off campus with some friends from high school and saw my mom about twice per week. My roommates all knew my mom so had no problem with her stopping by. After college I worked in the same town my college was in. In 2007 she got in a car accident going about 70 mph on the highway on the way to work. I'd say this was the tipping point into full-blown alcoholism. A few months after the accident I went out to her house to visit her and she was drunk. This was the first time I had seen her drunk in my life. I didn't know to deal with this, and looking back I wish I had done more. I asked if she was "alright" and she said she was fine, just had been drinking "a little bit." I didn't question it, my mom is tiny (<100 lbs) so I figured maybe one extra drink would push her into drunkenness and ignored it. That was the start of what would eventually be every interaction consisting of my mom drinking. If I took her out to dinner, she'd have 4-5 drinks with dinner, the second time she did this I told her I didn't want to be out with her if she needed to drink that much. Her response (and her response for most drinking incidents after this) was that she was really anxious from her car accident and it helped her "calm her nerves." I then began noticing every visit she would already be tipsy or drunk... this scared me as I never knew my mom to be this way. I had my first "talk" with her at this point. I explained that I saw her going down a bad path and she was drinking too much. She lied and said she barely was drinking, I called her out on it and said she had been drinking at every interaction I had with her. I suggested she see someone as she has excellent health insurance and it would likely be free or very cheap. She said she would see someone. This all took place around 2008 and would be the first in the string of me telling her she needs to drink less... her lying about her drinking... me confronting her about lying... her agreeing to stop/get help... stopping for awhile, and then it starting up again. In 2009 I got engaged to be married. This was a really bad year for my mom, as I had less time for her it seemed her drinking got worse. We would invite her to wedding planning stuff we were doing and she'd show up drunk. I was mad that she was drunk driving to see us, so I would start planning our visits so that I would pick her up rather than her driving to us. I told her if she would not be part of this process if she was going to be drunk around myself, my fiance or my fiance's family. She would stop being drunk around us, but I knew she would immediately start drinking when she got back home (if I went back to her house later in the day she'd be drunk). The wedding was in early 2010 and my mother was drunk the entire reception, this was the first time in front of her remaining family and my father's family who came down from the midwest. In 2010 I saw my mom about once per week, however, sometime during 2010 is when I first noticed she had DTs. This devastated me, as I knew she would not be able to stop drinking without help at this point. This was the first time I mentioned rehab, she lied about her drinking again and I told her about her shakes and why they were happening. She finally agreed to see a therapist. A few months later I get a call from her boss (she was working as a secretary at a hospital), the boss said my mom came to work drunk and that I needed to pick her up and take her home. On the ride home my mother is still lying about her drinking (she was obviously drunk). My wife and I told her she needs help to stop drinking, she is an alcoholic and we just want to help her. I spoke to her boss who was going to give her another chance. I told my mother that this was a 1 in a million shot here... that I couldn't think of any other job on the planet that would keep a secretary after showing up drunk and that she needs to use this as an opportunity to clean up. I asked her if I could call her therapist to see if he had an inpatient place he could recommend, she said she had not been seeing a therapist and lied to me about that. We got her into rehab and she successfully completed it and went back to work. In 2010 my wife and I wanted to go to grad school, we thought we would go to the school in that town so as not to move, but my wife didn't get in. We did get in to a school in the midwest and would need to start August. This is something I feel extremely guilty about since my mom had just started getting her life back together and I was about to abandon her to go up north. I should have waited a year. My mom cried when we told her we'd have to move. I told her she could come live in the town with us. She considered it, and eventually decided she'd move back to her old hometown which is about 6 hours away from where we would be in school. That way she could be near her remaining family and be nearer to us. We moved, while my mom stayed behind to begin the process of selling the house, etc. I feel us moving away for grad school was a big mistake. Since I wouldn't be down there to "monitor" her and help her out, she slipped back into drinking. My mom went back to lying about it. She went back to work drunk and was fired. Due to not having any money at this point she stopped paying on the house and the car. The car was repossessed and foreclosure began on her house. My mom has a $1000/month stipend from my Father being a Veteran that she must have floated by on which is why I didn't find out about the house or car until much later. My mom eventually moved up north to her old hometown. This is when my family found out about her drinking. We checked her in to a rehab up north last September. She completed that and her aunts and cousins have been tremendous in helping to check on her. My mom got a job in walking distance of her apartment and has been working. Things were looking better... until last week. I get a call last week from my aunt who said her cousin dropped by to see how she was doing and that she was in the middle of a binge. I don't know what to do at this point, I hate that this keeps happening and it feels like a neverending loop. I feel responsible for her since I'm all she really has as family. The aunts and cousins are helping as much as they can, but she isn't really their responsibility. I feel like I could have done more back when we lived near each other to help her stop. I could have gone over every other night rather than once or twice a week. I just feel guilty over this whole thing. Future: I'm done with school next May and my wife wants to be a tenure-track faculty. There are only about 60 schools that have a program that my wife could teach in and there are usually only 8-10 tenure-track positions open per year. It is highly unlikely that we will stay in the area we are in now, we could end up anywhere in the US. Since we will have a lot more money than we do now, my next plan is to move my mom to near wherever we end up living so I can help her through this process. an adult beverage fucked around with this message at Feb 17, 2013 around 19:40 |
| # ? Feb 17, 2013 19:33 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 02:45 |
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You are thinking that you can control your mother's drinking if you just try hard enough, but that is wrong. If she drinks because she doesn't get to see you, that's on her. If she drinks because she's lonely, that's on her. If she drinks because she's scared or anxious, that's on her. See the pattern? You're really mentally tangled up in this (for good reason, she's your mom and it's a lovely situation) but you need to step back a little and realize that you are not responsible for her behavior, and keep working on setting good boundaries with her. Moving her around the country to be with you is NOT good boundary setting by the way. It won't change her drinking habits. You and your wife will just be setting yourselves up as the self-sacrificing enablers. How does your wife feel about the idea, have you asked her? Don't let your mother's lovely choices keep dominating your life.
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| # ? Feb 17, 2013 20:01 |
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Thanks for the advice. My wife said she was okay with moving mom to wherever we end up. I see what you mean with the boundaries, and we need to live our life and my mom needs to live hers. I just can't help but have this sinking feeling of "abandoning" her if say we end up on the west coast and she is still here in the midwest by "herself." Her aunts are in their late 70s and her cousins are her age and those are the only people she has. Her job is a retail job, but I don't know how much longer she can keep that if she is back to her old ways.
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| # ? Feb 17, 2013 20:25 |
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You can't stop your mom from abusing drugs. If losing jobs, a house, and a car doesn't change her behavior, there's no magic combination of words you could say to stop her.
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| # ? Feb 17, 2013 20:27 |
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Slap Me Silly is exactly right. I recommend that you go to Al-Anon and bond with people who have been there and can help guide you towards a healthy perspective. Your mother is responsible for herself. You can care and you can love, but neither will stop her from drinking if that's what she chooses. This is 100% on her. Don't let her decisions ruin your life.
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| # ? Feb 17, 2013 20:30 |
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You should read the book "Codependent No More," it seems to fit your situation and is tailored to alcoholism. Like everyone else is saying, your mother is an adult, you do not have to put your life on hold because of her alcoholism.
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| # ? Feb 17, 2013 20:35 |
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As others have said, you can't stop her from drinking. I just accept that my father is an alcoholic. Do I wish things were different? Sure, but I try not to get too emotional over them any more. I have realized that it's his own life he is ruining and that I can either let his drinking ruin mine by ruining my mood or I can realize that my father is screwed up and it's not my fault. My father was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and was still denying his drinking problem even after my mom basically tricked him into signing himself into rehab. He stopped for a few years after this, but recently started again. As for feeling guilty for moving away when she had nobody else? I think you just want to be there for her and while it might be because of her alcoholism right now it might be another medical issue later. She's your mom. But now she seems to have people around her who are trying to care for her and so you shouldn't feel too guilty. Basically, you shouldn't feel responsible for things you can't control (her behavior). Let her know you love her, but don't allow yourself to feel responsible for her drinking problems. And this: Windir posted:You should read the book "Codependent No More," it seems to fit your situation and is tailored to alcoholism. Like everyone else is saying, your mother is an adult, you do not have to put your life on hold because of her alcoholism.
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| # ? Feb 17, 2013 21:10 |
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Thank you to everyone. I just picked up that book on Amazon. This is the first time talking about it with anyone outside my family, so it was nice to have opinions of neutral strangers and people who have dealt with this. It's so tough to see the progress she makes after quitting or rehab and then relapsing. She was doing so well since September- she got a job, she was inviting her cousins over for dinner, etc. I had so much hope... I need to accept that she's an alcoholic and keep trying to encourage her to get better, but that it's out of my control. After the last rehab she was supposed to attend AA meetings and see a therapist, but I don't think she did. I feel like the lying about that stuff shows me that she doesn't really want to succeed with recovering.
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| # ? Feb 18, 2013 02:05 |
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Sounds like you're on the right path. You can't fix her. That's a really hard and painful pill to swallow. It's not totally dissimilar from grieving over the death of a parent. I seriously recommend seeing a therapist yourself. That may sound weird, like you're not the kooky one with a problem. But your own feelings of guilt and loss are going to get worse. It could be very important for your mental health and marriage to get your mind straight now, instead of AFTER a tragic event. It can be like 3 visits and you're cool, it doesn't have to be a long-term thing. They may have practical advice on the intervention side of things too. But call somebody up and have a few visits to talk these issues out.
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| # ? Feb 18, 2013 18:26 |
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an adult beverage posted:I need to accept that she's an alcoholic and keep trying to encourage her to get better, but that it's out of my control. After the last rehab she was supposed to attend AA meetings and see a therapist, but I don't think she did. I feel like the lying about that stuff shows me that she doesn't really want to succeed with recovering. While I do think you need to accept that she is an alcoholic and will always be an alcoholic, I think you also might want to go to Al-Anon and possibly even AA meetings to help you understand her behavior and, more importantly, how to love her without letting guilt about "letting" her slip up, or not being there for her, or any of the other codependent rhetoric that is going through your head. But with the "she doesn't really want to succeed--please, please, please don't think about it this way. Unless you really think she doesn't deserve it, I am inclined to give your mom the benefit of the doubt. Imagine that you're an addict. If your son asks you if you've been drinking, what would you do? This is your son, who loves you, and who is visibly hurt every time you slip up, and who has done everything for you and you still can't seem to stay clean. It's totally understandable that she might lie, not out of not wanting to succeed, but out of shame. It might not be that she doesn't want to recover--it's that she feels horrible every time she fails. There's this thing in program where they talk about how long you have until your next relapse. It's not about never relapsing again and being perfect forevermore--that's kind of a goal, of course, but it's not a useful way to think about addiction. If and when you do relapse, thinking this way makes you sink even lower because then you're a failure, and what's the point of trying? The point is not never relapsing, it's about how far you are from your next relapse. How close are you to the situations that you know make you want to use? How easy would it be for you to start using again? How good or bad is your mental and emotional state? How far are you from your most recent relapse? How sincere and unmuddied is your desire to recover? How much can you fool yourself that you can use and have it turn out just fine? And so on. Look, I could be way off on this, but I'm willing to bet that your mom sincerely wants to recover, at least somewhat. The problem is that recovering is really hard, and pretty much no one does it without relapsing a few times. Or lots of times. The point is, you don't have to give up on your mom in your heart to have a healthy relationship with her. You can have a caring and meaningful relationship with her without having it be codependent, even if she relapses. Her recovery is her responsibility, not yours, and you absolutely need to believe that to your core. But no matter how many times she relapses, you can be there to support her when she reaches out without shouldering the weight of her addiction yourself. It is possible. [Of course, all of this falls under the E/N umbrella caveat of "Unless the person we're discussing is abusive and / or inherently and always toxic, in which case, sever and get therapy."]
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 03:43 |
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Drug addicts need to come to their own treatment. The best you can do is support which you have done a wonderful job of. You are a great person.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 05:40 |
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You are not responsible for your mother. That cannot be stressed enough. Her addiction is not your fault and there is no way you could have done anything to prevent or cure it. But that doesn't mean listen to other people telling you to blame your mother for all of this. She isn't really responsible for her behaviour either, she has a mental illness, and one with an extremely high rate of relapse. Just as you wouldn't blame a schizophrenic for going off their medication you shouldn't heap blame on your mother for falling off the wagon. The fact of the matter is our treatments for alcoholism are just not that effective. The fact that she has even gone to rehab shows how serious she is about getting help, most people don't even make it that far. And try not to take the lying personally, since it almost certainly comes from extreme guilt rather than malice. Consider it a symptom of her illness. Addicts lie, schizophrenics hear voices, people with OCD wash their hands. They can't help it any more than they can stop their hands shaking. One thing to think about is that there are a few clues your mother may not be a common or garden alcoholic. It sounds more like she started drinking as self-medication for an anxiety disorder, maybe even PTSD following her accident. This is extremely common, and it means classic interventions are even less likely to work for her since her drinking may have an underlying cause. The best thing to do in cases like this is to try and tackle both problems simultaneously, and there are some good medication options for anxiety that might go some way towards replacing the alcohol and helping her stay clean. Have a think about whether any of this resonates with you, and maybe consider whether having her see a psychiatrist might be helpful. jabby fucked around with this message at Feb 22, 2013 around 11:48 |
| # ? Feb 22, 2013 11:46 |
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quote:My wife said she was okay with moving mom to wherever we end up. jabby posted:She isn't really responsible for her behaviour either
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 23:02 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 02:45 |
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Cicero posted:I've seen this kind of mindset in other threads too, and to be honest it really confuses me. If she isn't responsible for her behavior, who is? Addiction is an illness, and generally its one that gets pretty little sympathy. She is responsible for her behavior in the same way a schizophrenic is responsible for a violent outburst, or someone with Tourette's is responsible for their tics. If addicts could freely chose to give up their addiction the majority would, but they can't.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 23:11 |
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