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Hey, I had a surprise belated Valentine's Day last weekend when, after a party at my place, one of the guests--an attractive, nice, and very smart young woman I'd invited over--ended up spending the night in my bed and having sexy times with me. Despite being massively hung over the next morning, we both agreed that we wanted to get together soon and keep seeing each other. So we have plans for tomorrow night, just dinner and a movie, nothing too crazy. I was pretty psyched initially, since I'd known her for a while (she was one of the first people I'd met when I moved here) and had always thought she was a great person to talk to, and pretty to boot. But, as the title suggests, there's a catch: until last fall she was married to a guy I know, which is how I met her. I wouldn't consider this guy a close friend, but he's someone I see about once a week as part of one of my geeky hobbies. They were only married for a few months, I think slightly over half a year after being together for two years, so there doesn't seem to be a tremendous amount of baggage there. I've talked with each of them, separately, about the divorce (I haven't been the one to bring it up) and they both seem pretty chill about it, accepting that they made a mistake and were right to split up sooner rather than later. To be honest, I'm more worried about hurting the feelings of a woman I dated off and on for the last nine months. That being said, this is a potentially awkward situation for all involved. Beyond the normal communication about expectations and so forth, I wonder if I shouldn't just saying to the guy "Hey, your ex-wife are thinking about dating, is that okay with you?" as well as asking her "Are you sure you're ready to be dating again?" I mean, she's an adult, she can decide for herself if she wants to date, so maybe I don't need to ask that, specifically. And I'm not worried about being hurt by this situation myself, since she knows I am only going to be around for another few months; it seems like we may just have a bit of a spring fling, enjoy each other's company, and not have to make it anything more than that. The her/me dynamic doesn't have me worried, it's the ex-husband I want to avoid hurting (or making pissed-off at me). There are a few other amusing details I could also share, but I don't think they're relevant. The tl;dr is - just starting to date a woman who was briefly married to a friend/acquaintance of mine, what should I know/do/avoid? Have you ever been in this situation, and if so, how did you handle it?
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 03:19 |
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| # ? May 24, 2013 17:12 |
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If you're peace-ing out in a couple months, don't worry about this poo poo. Do whatever.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 03:24 |
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Apollodorus posted:having sexy times Well the mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready. As far as asking him, eh, I wouldn't. They're divorced and it's not like he bought her*. He doesn't really have any say in the matter. If he brings it up tell him you are and if he has a problem with it it's his deal. As for asking her if she's ready to start dating again, I'd do it in a month or two if you two are still exclusive and it's actually looking like a relationship and not a fling, and make sure that you actually want to continue the relationship once you move away. If she's up for it yay and if not be prepared to let it go. Otherwise for now enjoy the relationship. * If he did buy her then yes, you need to go get a deed or that poo poo will come back to haunt you.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 03:27 |
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Let her worry about the details. And she can handle herself, you don't need to ask if she's ready for her flower to be plucked.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 03:29 |
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I say go for it. Seems like the divorce was on good terms, and they both were mature enough people to be able to end their relationship without any drama. She likes you, you like her, have fun with each other.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 05:00 |
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Apollodorus posted:The tl;dr is - just starting to date a woman who was briefly married to a friend/acquaintance of mine, what should I know/do/avoid? Have you ever been in this situation, and if so, how did you handle it? I once dated my boss' ex-wife. I handled it by having a good time with her and not worrying about it.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 05:12 |
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Quickly get to the important comparisons such as who's dick is bigger. If it is his then you best move on.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 06:54 |
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rio posted:Quickly get to the important comparisons such as who's dick is bigger. If it is his then you best move on. The only way to work this out is by having a "sword fight" maybe the three of you will be good together.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 07:11 |
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In a way, we're all someone's ex wife.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 07:20 |
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rio posted:Quickly get to the important comparisons such as who's dick is bigger. If it is his then you best move on. Hm, I hadn't considered this. Could be a deal-breaker.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 11:35 |
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You don't need his permission to date her, do you? If you're worried about his reaction and they're still on friendly terms, maybe it's up to her to bring it up? I mean, I assume she knows him a good deal better than you did, so it would make more sense to me if she broke the news to him.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 12:04 |
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How's it different than dating someone's ex-girlfriend, really? It's not like they were married for 20 years or had kids.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 12:45 |
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Ask him if you feel like a gigantic wimp. But regardless of the answer you should still go ahead dating her because she is not his property.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 13:06 |
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Yeah, I'm not seeing the big deal here. It's not really that different from dating someone's ex-girlfriend. That said, it likely will be awkward if you all hang out together a lot. Like, I totally expect that my ex-girlfriend would keep seeing men after we broke up (it wasn't acrimonious and we still chat occasionally) and I'd be a complete weirdo if I thought she shouldn't, but I wouldn't exactly want to hang out with her and whoever she was in a relationship with. I'd say go for it, but realize that your acquaintance might not be thrilled about it. There's really no secret way to avoid this - he will either be pissed or not be pissed. But what do you care anyways? She's an independent person and you're all adults. So go for it. Pfirti86 fucked around with this message at Feb 19, 2013 around 13:09 |
| # ? Feb 19, 2013 13:07 |
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You were really waiting on the wings there weren't you? Here i thought the bond between awkward nerd and awkward nerd was stronger. Anyway I'd drop this "I'm having casual relations with your recently made ex wife" bomb right after your mage delivers the final blow in whatever nerd game you play with him.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 14:15 |
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As a guy who was in a similiar situation before, I suggest the following. 1) Take some time to think this through. Although you don't owe anything to the guy, there's a potential for a meltdown from both sides. Are you sure you really want this? 2) If you want to date her, don't ask him about it, don't notify him, don't discuss any part of your relationship with him. Even if they are chill about the divorce, the probably hold some kind of grudge against each other. So if the topic comes up, don't side with either of them. Not even when there's no one else around. Her old relationship is over and you don't care about it-this should be your stance. 3) If drama ensues anyway, be ready to bail out.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 14:34 |
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LobsterTick posted:booooock boc boc boc boc bKAWK! Don't be a chickenshit OP, be a good friend and a loving adult instead. You don't have to make it a big deal, but if you respect this dude at all you should tell him you're seeing his ex. You don't have to tell him you're loving and you're perfectly within your rights to refuse to discuss sexual details about it. If he gets angry and becomes abusive toward you, then that's when it's appropriate to take the Machiavellian information-blackout position. Doing so preemptively is basically a big gently caress you to him and shows a lack of respect, and he WILL loathe you for eternity if he has anything resembling a spine.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 16:15 |
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If he isn't a friend but more of a weekly acquaintance, I wouldn't worry about it. In fact I wouldn't even broach the subject with him. If he asks just respond "yeah, we went to a movie and kinda clicked". If he gets upset about the situation just kill him off the next time you are Dungeon Master.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 16:17 |
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Grandpas a Racist posted:You were really waiting on the wings there weren't you? Here i thought the bond between awkward nerd and awkward nerd was stronger. No, actually, it was kind of a surprise. I wasn't planning on asking her out, it just happened. Old Crows posted:If he gets upset about the situation just kill him off the next time you are Dungeon Master. Sounds like a plan! EDIT: Thanks for the reassuring tone, everyone. I'm glad it seems I don't have anything to worry about.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 16:21 |
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I wouldn't date anyone's ex wife. I don't have the relationship or sexual experience to deal with the sort of power imbalance that would exist.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 16:33 |
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Expect a rogue dagger in the back if your kind of friend isn't over it by now.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 16:53 |
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Apollodorus posted:No, actually, it was kind of a surprise. I wasn't planning on asking her out, it just happened. rapist.txt Can you make a spread sheet that shows the amount of sexy time you have in comparison to your raid time? Thanks.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 16:58 |
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I'm sorry, are you seriously suggesting that I raped her? Because she asked "Can I sleep with you tonight?" before we did anything. And in answer to your question: I have never played MMOs and barely play video games in general, so, infinite I guess.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 17:00 |
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Apollodorus posted:There are a few other amusing details I could also share, but I don't think they're relevant. Dude, did she totally love you loving her brains out cause her ex husband didn't do it right?
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 17:04 |
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Better than dating your own ex-wife, OP.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 17:16 |
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True. I should have titled the thread "Dating a friend's ex-wife?" with the question mark. Oh well, I shouldn't worry about it too much otherwise it will take time out of my many gaming hobbies (which I already have too little time for, what with the plotting how to make a move on all my friends' wives and girlfriends as soon as they split up).
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 17:25 |
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Apollodorus posted:There are a few other amusing details I could also share, but I don't think they're relevant. HOW DID THIS EVADE MENTION UNTIL NOW?
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 03:01 |
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Hey OP enjoy seeing your friend's face every time you BETRAY HIM.
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 03:15 |
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Alkazard.exe posted:HOW DID THIS EVADE MENTION UNTIL NOW? Mostly small-town stuff, like how I just realized someone else at the party was a woman with whom I had been on a date when we ran into this new woman (the friends ex-wife) when she and her then-fiancé were going to the same food festival last year. Or how another friend of mine who was at that party last weekend was about to go on a date with the ex-husband, but he canceled at the last minute. Atma McCuddles posted:Hey OP enjoy seeing your friend's face every time you BETRAY HIM. I'm making sure to sleep with a cricket bat by my bedroom door, that's for sure.
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 14:41 |
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Here's a little update: apparently their divorce was NOT as amicable as I thought. My friend/her ex kept insisting on opening their relationship to poly-stuff, saying he wanted "the autonomy to pursue romantic relationships with other people" and stuff like "I think you, as my wife, need to be more accepting of the kind of lifestyle I need to have at this stage" and he would bring 19-year-olds over on "dates"--he's 29--without caring too much about whether she (the woman I'm seeing now) was okay with it. She and I seem more and more compatible, especially now that she's gotten over a lot of the stuff that ended her marriage last year. At the same time, I've lost a lot of respect for her ex/my friend. Since I'm leaving this area in three months anyway, I'd be happier dating her in that time and not really seeing my friend again. That would make it a lot less awkward, I guess!
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 23:11 |
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On the other hand, it seems like she's already been exposed to the idea that you might need to pursue romantic interests in people other than her. Your friend just got divorced, so he should be available to go on a date with you two, right?
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| # ? Feb 25, 2013 02:37 |
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Omnicarus posted:Well the mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready. He is not ready to have a relationship because he uses dumb catchphrases on the internet? 
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| # ? Feb 25, 2013 03:07 |
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Decrepus posted:He is not ready to have a relationship because he uses dumb catchphrases on the internet? Could be an Arrested Development reference. Not sure if he was serious.
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| # ? Feb 25, 2013 03:09 |
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Yes, indeed, it was a fun, sexy time for us both. When we had pop-pop. COME ON!
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| # ? Feb 25, 2013 03:40 |
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Apollodorus posted:COME ON! Haha, you said "come".
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| # ? Feb 25, 2013 03:52 |
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Honestly I don't even understand half the poo poo I post anymore.
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| # ? Feb 25, 2013 04:42 |
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I guess if you're in for a penny... (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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| # ? Apr 27, 2013 01:47 |
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The only problem here is in your head. You don't need to ask her if she's ready to date people again...if she is then she will. You state almost right off the bat that this guy and you aren't actually friends, but guys who share a hobby and see each other once a week because of it. Maybe you can stand to be around one another but that doesn't make you friends. Everything you write actually looks like you're trying to find a reason why shouldn't have a lighthearted fling with someone. Don't do that. Also, being that you're out in a few months I don't see what could be holding you back. You're not gonna see either one of them. You're probably not going to get into a really deep, serious relationship with her if you both know there's a definite timeline involved. You wanna go out on dates and have sex and all with her, she wants to do that with you too. That's none of this other guy's concern. I hereby give you permission to have fun.
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| # ? Apr 27, 2013 07:43 |
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| # ? May 24, 2013 17:12 |
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Wow, I had actually forgotten about this thread in the two months since anyone posted in it. Things are going great, there haven't been any problems. In fact, just recently it turned out that she got a job near where I'm going to be next year, so, we'll see if anything more long-term happens.
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| # ? Apr 27, 2013 13:29 |
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