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I'm female, the (possibly) unstable person is male, if that's relevant. This has been a completely platonic friendship so nothing weird there. Backstory: During the summer I became acquainted with an autistic guy over the internet (we have mutual friends in common) The mutual friend had posted that "John" (not real name obviously) was now homeless, suicidal, and in trouble. His long-term SO had kicked him out and refused to let him see their son. She had him arrested, and he ends up on the street. I felt bad for this person I did not know, and I had just come into some money so I decided out of the goodness of my heart to give (not loan) John some money (several hundred dollars). We met in person and I gave it to him. Everything was fine, he seemed quite normal in person aside from his worries about being homeless. We hung out a few more times, nearly always with my boyfriend or other people present, or else the two of us in a public place like a restaurant. John was always very grateful for my help, I also put some of his belongings in storage, which I still have possession of. He started to get weird a few months ago, sending me texts about how he wants to kill himself, how he'll never see his son again, etc. Now I feel very sorry for him, of course, and tried to offer my support by text. Any time that we spent in person was pretty much just him talking about how he doesn't know what he's going to do anymore, how he doesn't have any friends or support. He seemed to see me as his only lifeline. At this point I was no longer comfortable spending time with him in person, so I resisted doing so. The last time I saw him he was doing much better and had begun a new relationship with some girl in Hawaii. He seemed to have his life back on track, he had a couple of job opportunities lined up, and was generally optimistic about his future. Weeks go by and I get a phone call from John's mother telling me that he is in prison and would like to write to me. I panic and tell her that I'll have to call her back because I'm at the grocery store (which is true) I panicked because I don't want to give John my home address; he's never been to my house, and only knows the city I live in, nothing else. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of him knowing where I live. Maybe it's paranoia. So this is my question: How to I gently remove myself from John's life? Obviously he is in prison for the time being (no idea how long he will be in or what he's in for) I don't hate him or anything, but I need to distance myself; I don't have the mental energy to maintain this friendship/acquaintance, maybe I'm a terrible person for saying so, but I just can't. I don't want to get crazy letters from jail, I don't want to have to talk him off the ledge (figuratively, I guess) weekly anymore. TL;DR- How do I convey to my potentially unstable autistic friend (who is in prison) that I can't be his support network anymore?
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:23 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 02:52 |
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How long is he in jail for? Also is he dangerous to you? Sounds like you should just cut him off completely and make sure he can't stalk you once he gets out.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:31 |
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Don't give his mother your address and tell her that your not comfortable with him contacting you any further. Problem solved. Edit: if he does even the slightest thing to attempt to contact you, file for a restraining order. Omnicarus fucked around with this message at Feb 19, 2013 around 22:36 |
| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:33 |
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The most straightforward thing is just not respond to him or his mother any more. Tell his mother than your own life has gotten crazy enough that you just can't keep up and you have to move on. Then move on, and ignore any further pleadings from her. I get the feeling you would find this cold and unacceptable, but there isn't really any nice way to do this.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:36 |
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Hoo boy. Okay, the answer to your question is simple: you just tell his mother more or less what you told us. You're sorry but you can't be a part of his life anymore. You can elaborate on this or not, as you like. What's not simple is how you got to this point. Why did you make friends with John if you didn't actually want to be his friend? This is not normal. quote:I don't have the mental energy to maintain this friendship/acquaintance, maybe I'm a terrible person for saying so, but I just can't. You're not a terrible person for saying so. Wanting to distance yourself from this (for want of a better word) relationship is the first healthy decision I've seen in your post. Thinking it might make you a terrible person is telling me you have issues with guilt, for some reason. Let me make it very clear: charity, helping people in need: these are very worthy impulses. By all means, if you're moved to help someone less fortunate than you, do so. But this weird relationship and/or emotional entanglement you cultivated with John: the impulses that led you to this are something you need to understand and work on, because they're the sort of thing that could have negative effects on your other, "real" relationships. Ashenai fucked around with this message at Feb 19, 2013 around 22:46 |
| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:38 |
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If you really crave this guy's drama in your life, you can get a PO Box in your city so he doesn't know where you live, but that seems like a lot of trouble for some guy you don't want anything to do with.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:39 |
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Omnicarus posted:Don't give his mother your address and tell her that your not comfortable with him contacting you any further. Problem solved. This is pretty much the right answer. What I'm curious to know is what this guy did to get arrested in the first instance that led him to fall on hard times. The fact that his partner doesn't let him see his son, as well as the fact that you can't just 'get' someone arrested, there has to be at least some evidence that they've done something to warrant it, leads me to believe that there's a whoooole lot that you're not telling us. I mean, maybe I'm bitter and cynical, but when I hear 'dude's partner won't let him see his son and got him arrested', I'd kinda want to know why before throwing him money.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:42 |
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Definitely don't give him your address, and block any avenues of contact this guy could have with you when he gets out. You don't have any obligation to this guy, and you only have to help him as much as you want to.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:44 |
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Ashenai posted:Hoo boy. Okay, the answer to your question is simple: you just tell his mother more or less what you told us. You're sorry but you can't be a part of his life anymore. You can elaborate on this or not, as you like. I made friends with John because at the time he seemed harmless. You're absolutely right that befriending him (as opposed to just giving the money) was an impulse. I was going through a divorce at the time so my mind definitely was not where it should have been, emotionally. I'm not typically a bleeding heart or anything like that; I've never been in this situation before.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:46 |
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Nexus-6 posted:I made friends with John because at the time he seemed harmless. You're absolutely right that befriending him (as opposed to just giving the money) was an impulse. I was going through a divorce at the time so my mind definitely was not where it should have been, emotionally. I'm not typically a bleeding heart or anything like that; I've never been in this situation before. Oh. Yes, that makes sense. It sounds like showing him kindness was your way of coping with the divorce. In that case, just go ahead and do the simple thing: cut off all contact (letting him know through his mom is the easiest way.) He no longer has a place in your life, and there's no point in prolonging this any further. Also, I want to reiterate that you're not a bad person for wanting to do this, and you should not feel any guilt for severing ties with him. You've done more than enough, and it sounds like you've been of some help to him.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:52 |
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Dusseldorf posted:How long is he in jail for? Also is he dangerous to you? Sounds like you should just cut him off completely and make sure he can't stalk you once he gets out. No idea. I can't imagine that he would react violently towards me, but who knows.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 22:53 |
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Thanks for the advice, everyone. I had a hunch that I just needed to be upfront with his mother. Hopefully it'll go well.
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| # ? Feb 19, 2013 23:00 |
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Nexus-6 posted:No idea. I can't imagine that he would react violently towards me, but who knows.
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 04:53 |
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Oral Slither posted:You might want to take those things you're storing for him and send them to his mother. If he gets out of jail he might try looking for you to get them back. Don't use your real address if you ship anything. The reason his mom was able to contact me in the first place was because she was going to be picking up his stuff even before he went to jail. And the stuff isn't at my house, either, so that's good.
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 05:29 |
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Follow through with telling mom the truth, you're on the right path. I just wanted to touch on this:Nexus-6 posted:She had him arrested Rather than assume his SO was mean for kicking him out and refusing to let him see their son, look at it from the MUCH more likely scenario: She made the very tough decision to cut the father of her child out of her life because he's a loving criminal nutbag who deserves to go to prison. Arrange with mom to get her John's stuff, and call it quits. Your fears are not unwarranted. woozle wuzzle fucked around with this message at Feb 20, 2013 around 20:19 |
| # ? Feb 20, 2013 20:16 |
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You gave money to an autistic internet stranger who you'd never met before?
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 20:33 |
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Nexus-6 posted:I made friends with John because at the time he seemed harmless. At the time you decided to make friends with him, you had already heard that he was kicked out from his home and later arrested. You also knew he was suicidal. Now that he went back to being suicidal and was arrested again, he somehow transitioned from "harmless" to a person you don't want to have anything to do with. Sorry, but this story is just so strange to me. From what you've written, it sounds like pretty much nothing has changed regarding this man's situation between the time you first met him and now.
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 21:50 |
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A relationship withsomeone in Hawaii? Christ is everyone in this story internet friends? I bet she was hot too. You were just vulnerable, try to be safer online in the future. I hope he doesn't stab you. Good luck.
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| # ? Feb 20, 2013 22:12 |
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Alkaphanel posted:You gave money to an autistic internet stranger who you'd never met before? Pretty much this. I must be a miserly gently caress, because the whole giving an aquaitance several hundred dollars thing has grabbed my attention and I can't concentrate on anything else in this thread until someone explains it (unless it really is just me being a miserly gently caress).
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| # ? Feb 21, 2013 03:17 |
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I gave money to a person I had not met before, but with whom I shared IRL acquaintances. Edit: As I pointed out upthread, I was going through a divorce at the time and my emotions were all over the place. At the time it felt like the right thing to do, to reach out and help a stranger. Nexus-6 fucked around with this message at Feb 21, 2013 around 05:03 |
| # ? Feb 21, 2013 05:01 |
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Don't worry about the naysayers. Just follow your instincts and put a pillow over this thing. He's not in prison for jaywalkin.
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| # ? Feb 21, 2013 05:40 |
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It's pretty simple: Don't. And don't tell his mother either, because she may not be understanding (and may tell him). It's important that Josh not have a reason to confront you if/when he ever gets out of jail. So: don't call her back. Don't acknowledge any communications from him or her. If you can, change your email or block him on the appropriate networks so he doesn't have proof that you're still generally active, socially. Sorry to go against the grain, but I've met enough crazy moms of crazy guys to be wary.
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| # ? Feb 21, 2013 06:03 |
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Do you care about the guy? It doesn't sound like you have less of a problem with being in his support network than you do with being the entire thing. Maybe that would be an easier pill for him to swallow than telling him "had enough, goodbye forever." Is there anything you can do to help him reconcile with any of his other people? If you want to allow him to communicate with you but don't want him to know where you live, you could give his mother an email address (not one that you use with anything that might be traced to where you live) and have her forward messages from him. (I mean, assuming she can type.) If you really don't care, ignore this entirely. Just trying to offer an alternative.
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| # ? Feb 21, 2013 14:03 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 02:52 |
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Nexus-6 posted:I gave money to a person I had not met before, but with whom I shared IRL acquaintances. Oh well you shared IRL acquaintances, the story makes complete sense now. Also, I'm confused as to why you felt bad for him? All the information you've given on him prior to when you first met him makes him seem unstable and dangerous. If there was nothing going on, why was his SO kicking him out and refusing access to his son? If he was homeless after the arrest, why were not friends or family willing to take him in? Sever and if you ever feel the urge to "help" someone again by tossing money at them, feel free to donate to a reputable charity.
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| # ? Feb 21, 2013 14:28 |
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