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Ugh, here I am in E/N on a second account... I never thought I'd be here but here I am. So here's some back story that I think is relevant. When I was 5 my family lived with my grandparents while building a house, my cousins also lived there, an older female cousin, maybe 13, kind of molested me. She'd play this "wee-wee game" where she'd make me kiss her vagina, or pet it or rub it just fiddle around with it, I never masturbated her just kind of touched her vagina. I actually loved it at the time but I didn't loving know what was going on. She got caught when I asked her to play the wee-wee game at the dinner table, and all the parents freaked out. So it ended there, no harm no foul right? Yea right... I attribute in my unprofessional opinion this experience to be the main contributor to my lust for the female body. I got a computer when I was like 9 or 10, shortly there after the internet was a big thing and I had easy access to almost anything. Being a preteen and going through puberty obviously I started checking out swimsuit models, because I was allowed to. Obviously that progressed to solo naked girls, lesbians, then just more and more deviant poo poo from there. It's not that I went seeking those things out... I can only compare it to drug tolerance. You build up a tolerance to a girl standing there naked, and then you want to see her masturbate, then you want to see another girl do it for her, then throw a guy in, and so on. When I met my wife I was able to stop looking at porn all together. I kind of had to anyway, because I wasn't performing so well in real sex. When you look at porn you can rub one out as fast as you want and go back to playing video games or something. Sex is nothing like porn. I liked that, sex with her meant something more than a physical release, it wasn't just about an orgasm. It was a physical display of what we felt for each other. When we met we had done a lot of drugs, acid, MDMA, a lot of psychedelics. It really did help us bond and open up barriers that I don't think most people open up so fast. It was shortly after we chilled out on the drugs so much that we stopped having sex so much. It slowly declined to where I felt like she'd wait until right before the moment where I'd snap and either get pissed or upset. If she didn't have any desire to have sex with me then surely that reflected how she felt inside about me. Apparently that's wrong, because our mental relationship was always strong, we've always been into the same ideas and same art and same everything. We have a great relationship outside of sex. When we don't have sex for stretches of time, 2-3 weeks seems to be the normal interval, I ended up looking at porn. I don't know how to describe it... other than when you get a craving for a cigarette you go smoke, when you're hungry you eat. Sometimes I get struck with this mood or craving for an orgasm and porn is a means to an end. I don't care about the porn, it just helps me reach the end goal. Finding porn on my computer has been an issue a few times, but I seriously managed to stop for a while in the last few months. Well she went out of town for a few days and on my way home from work I drove past the Flynt store and grabbed a fleshlight and a small dildo to experiment wiht prostate stimulation... I've never ever considered that before but when I was in my weird craving mood I just grabbed one on my way out of the store. I shouldn't have even stopped but I figured in an effort to stay away from porn I'll use a male masturbator. And I did, I didn't look at porn, I just used the fleshlight. I never ended up using the prostate thing so it just sat there. When she came back from vacation the next week I was leaving on a trip with some co workers and a friend, we kind of felt like things were rocky. I was very dissatisfied that we didn't have sex in this time period, it had already been about 2-3 weeks before she left. I was pissed she didn't want to have sex before she left, let alone when she returned. While I was out of town I got drunk and we got into an argument. The next day I realized I'm loving everything up over nothing, and made a decision to change. I returned home and started living healthier and doing more husband like things and generally trying to get back to the person she fell in love with and got married to. Back track: Before she came back from vacation I took the sex toys to work to throw them in a dumpster, I didn't get the chance to without being seen so I tucked em away in my junk drawer in my office. Forgot about them until two days ago. Two days ago I got struck by the mood or craving or urge or whatever, I needed to masturbate but did not want to look at porn. I saw the toys in my junk drawer and grabbed the flesh light for one more turn... But because I'm a freak I decided to use it backwards and record it as to create an artificial cream pie kind of thing. Typing this was the most embarrassing thing I've ever typed. It's weird, perverted... hosed up I know... But that's what happened. Immediately after ejaculation I didn't give a poo poo, had no urge, and felt regret and embarrassment. Turned off my phone and walked out of the single bathroom quickly. Well I forgot I tried to record porn of myself for myself and my wife saw the video and freaked. She thinks I'm weird, cheating on her, or sharing sex videos over the internet. The latter two are un true, but I guess I am weird. Now to the issue that prompted this account/thread: I tried to tell her as much of the truth as was necessary without embarrassing myself or freaking her out. She's not into weird sex, she likes to just be on bottom and let me go at it. It's almost impersonal actually. Well she looked at my credit card statement and knows that a fleshlight doesn't cost $200, so she asked what else I bought. I said just a small prostate stimulator that I wanted to try but never did. She wanted to see the itemized receipt... which would be a dildo not a prostate stimulator. I tried to push it back but she's threatening divorce so I'll do anything I can... and come clean that I had lied about yet another thing. Lied about buying/having the sex toys. Lied about what I bought. Twice. So here we are, we talked about it. She doesn't even know who I am anymore, and this sexual quirk is all she can think about. She thinks that is who I am. She has suspicions about everything we've ever done, or said, or been a part of. All the great things of our relationship that I think define us, she's now defining by my perversion. She thinks I'm manipulative and a liar. But I only lied to spare myself embarrassment and hopefully to maintain a positive image in her eyes. That back fired so bad. I've scheduled an appointment with a sex therapist to try to help my addiction. I told my wife to at least give me a chance, some more time, I've scheduled an appointment! She'd reply "I don't know if we can ever get past this... so what.. you're seeing a doctor and now things are going back to normal?" I said I don't know but can't we at least make the effort. (Side Note: In the past we'd get into arguments about her lack of libido, I'd tell her it made me feel like she didn't love me and we'd get into these conversations that left both of us depressed. She'd say she'd schedule something with her gyno or a couples therapist, but never actually did. Well I actually did this time for my self, so I do feel in that regard I'm making more of an effort, this might be selfish thinking though.) I don't know if I'm just writing this so I can tell someone, or maybe some of you have advice on how to salvage this relationship... If you do, I'd love to hear it. She's hurt mostly about me lying to her and deceiving her and manipulating the truth to avoid my own embarrassment. But I don't want her to think of me as some kind of sex deviant weirdo... I'm really not, it's just in those moments of weakness I do stupid poo poo. I've never cheated on her ever, but she thinks I am because why else would I take a video of it? I told her about avoiding porn, the video was so I can see it because I'm a weird sex freak... and on and on... Now things are so awkward and weird at home, and I really want to go back to normal. (edit; Second account, not a fake post, I just can't post this on my real account) 101110101 fucked around with this message at Feb 22, 2013 around 16:20 |
| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:00 |
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| # ? May 21, 2013 09:38 |
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You say your relationship was great but I'm really not so sure. The lack of physical intimacy makes it seem like there is definitely something else bubbling there--maybe you weren't noticing it, but I'm betting it's there. And sometimes you can trust your intuition on stuff like this: quote:It slowly declined to where I felt like she'd wait until right before the moment where I'd snap and either get pissed or upset. If she didn't have any desire to have sex with me then surely that reflected how she felt inside about me. Besides the sex toy stuff is something that really shouldn't be that big of a deal. It definitely shouldn't potentially initiate divorce. It's not that unusual that you'd be a bit ashamed of telling your partner about it, and it's something she would probably understand (well, that most people would in a healthier relationship), but it definitely seems like there's other relationship stressors going on. I don't think you need a sex therapist, I think you need a couples therapist, and I think your wife needs to go too. waffle fucked around with this message at Feb 22, 2013 around 16:13 |
| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:09 |
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None of that seems very devious and I am sorry you guys are in a relationship where you don't explore what turns each other on. Couples therapy is your best bet. Also, your wife can't just expect you to be asexual unless she is in the mood once a month. Masturbation (anyway you'd like just about) should be a healthy release and not some shameful thing.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:22 |
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It sounds like you tried to leave kid(s) out of the story.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:27 |
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Why do you think you're addicted to porn? Addiction is doing a thing past the point where there are clear negative consequences. If you were watching porn so much that you'd been turning down your wife's advances and making her feel rejected, then you'd have a porn problem. Or if you were watching porn so much that you'd got fired, then you'd have a porn problem. But this isn't happening. Instead, it sounds like there's something off with your sexual relationship with your wife. And rather than deal with that, your wife is trying to distract you by accusing you of some addiction.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:30 |
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So your relationship was founded/based on drugs and then the drug using stopped and you're wondering why it's not the same?
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:31 |
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101110101 posted:
Wow that sure sounds like a ton of fun. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone who actually enjoys it and doesn't just want to get it over with. It really boils down to the question if you're willing to remain sexually frustrated just to remain with your wife or If you'd rather find someone who actually wants to have sex with you.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:31 |
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Your sex life as a couple sounds terrible. I would go so far as to say she's gaslighting you about your porn "addiction," and about the definition of a normal sex life. Prostate stimulation isn't everyone's thing but it doesn't make you some kind of sick pervert, especially if you're driven to it by being trapped in an unsatisfying marriage.101110101 posted:In the past we'd get into arguments about her lack of libido, I'd tell her it made me feel like she didn't love me and we'd get into these conversations that left both of us depressed. She'd say she'd schedule something with her gyno or a couples therapist, but never actually did. You're going to be divorced sooner or later. hepatizon fucked around with this message at Feb 22, 2013 around 16:34 |
| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:31 |
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VidaGrey posted:None of that seems very devious and I am sorry you guys are in a relationship where you don't explore what turns each other on. Couples therapy is your best bet. Also, your wife can't just expect you to be asexual unless she is in the mood once a month. Masturbation (anyway you'd like just about) should be a healthy release and not some shameful thing. falcon2424 posted:Why do you think you're addicted to porn? Addiction is doing a thing past the point where there are clear negative consequences. She hates porn and the industry and the sleaze of it, and doesn't understand completely that I use it as a means to an end. I can understand that, I don't want her looking at other guys and masturbating. But she also has full access to me and my sex drive, so she doesn't need to look at other guys. Not so much the case with me, I've even tried to get her to just let me take some pictures of her for my own personal use, and I've taken a few on vacation and stuff but I guess I get bored with the same picture every time. I think I'm addicted to it because when that craving strikes it's so hard not to look at porn. I mean, I guess I did forego the porn in lieu of the sex toys, but she's hurt that I lied by omission about them, and then lied to cover up my embarrassment, and also she thinks it's really weird that I'd do that. Something is off in our sexual relationship, we don't have the best sex life. We've tried buying some vibrators, cock rings with a vibrator on it, that stuff helped for a short time, but you just can't force someone to be in the mood or want sex. I have absolutely no understanding of this, the thought of someone not wanting sex is so foreign to me. Absurd even. It's the greatest thing in the world, especially with someone that you love... it doesn't get better than that. When we do have sex and she does get into it it's amazing, my life can't be better. I'm married to the woman I love and everything is great, we have great conversations, deep, philosophical conversations. We enjoy the same dining, art/music/film & activities. Aside from the sex life we mesh perfectly, the only part of the puzzle that doesn't fit perfectly is the sex. I was thinking I'll go to the sex therapist by myself, and then try to get her to come in for couples counseling. No Manners No posted:It sounds like you tried to leave kid(s) out of the story. We don't have or want kids. We have two dogs that we treat as our kids. We travel too much, have too many things we want to do for ourselves, and just in general have absolutely no desire to procreate. We're both on the same page with this and kids are a non-existant issue. We have these goals for our lives, I have a great paying job, she's finishing her BFA this year, Grad School is coming up but we don't how that's going to work. She doesn't want to do it at the same school she got her BFA at obviously, but we bought a house in 2011 and we can't exactly up and leave with a mortgage. So we're considering buying a space to put studios in and rent them out to fellow artists and just have this big co-op place with equipment and poo poo. Since all of her peers are graduating they're all losing access to the college's equipment, and we'd like to start some kind of art-house gig.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:41 |
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101110101 posted:I saw the toys in my junk drawer and grabbed the flesh light for one more turn... But because I'm a freak I decided to use it backwards and record it as to create an artificial cream pie kind of thing. I got stuck trying to figure out how one uses a flesh light "backwards." All the choices here are cracking me up. It's a single occupancy bathroom. Surely there was a sink you could prop your phone on so that you could give that flesh light the business as God intended.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:43 |
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Agro ver Haus doom posted:So your relationship was founded/based on drugs and then the drug using stopped and you're wondering why it's not the same? We joke about this, but it's not true. The psychedelics helped us break emotional barriers that a lot of couples seem to take a while to break. After the drugs everything was still mentally the same, and great, and even the sex was for a while, but it slowly declined as time went on. I really don't think the drugs thing is an issue, I only mentioned it because our relationship kind of hit the ground running and was like an explosion of awesome. There was a warm up period, but not as long as normal.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:43 |
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solovyov posted:I got stuck trying to figure out how one uses a flesh light "backwards." All the choices here are cracking me up. It's a single occupancy bathroom. Surely there was a sink you could prop your phone on so that you could give that flesh light the business as God intended. Yea it's weird... just took it out of the case and did it backwards so you could see the vagina lips, and... well you get it. It's weird I know...
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:44 |
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Uh, there's nothing wrong with looking at porn or masturbating while you're in a relationship. Its particularly understandable if you're horny and your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. You're not hurting anyone and your wife shouldn't be making you feel guilty about it. Sounds like you have deeper problems in this relationship.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 16:50 |
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I just wanted to echo what others are saying here and I don't think that what you're describing is either an addiction or even particularly kinky or unusual. Everyone has things that get them off and a lot of those things come with a dose of shame and guilt because our formative years usually teach us to associate sex with those feelings. It sounds like you got started a little earlier than most but it doesn't seem like you're using sex as a means to control inherent instability or to lash out at the people around you, so I wouldn't worry about being addicted or anything. I WOULD sit down with your wife and have an intimate and serious talk about what both of you want sexually and whether you can provide that to each other, and if that ends up unproductive I'd consider going to couples therapy.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:03 |
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Don't use your fleshlight at work without prior approval OP. You could get fired or laughed at.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:10 |
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MassaShowtime posted:Don't use your fleshlight at work without prior approval OP. You could get fired or laughed at. Yea.... The 'at work' part really bothers her too. But I own a third of this company, have my own office with my own drawers that lock... I was here early before everyone else and the mood struck and I gave in to it.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:16 |
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tallkidwithglasses posted:I WOULD sit down with your wife and have an intimate and serious talk about what both of you want sexually and whether you can provide that to each other, and if that ends up unproductive I'd consider going to couples therapy. We've done this before(edit, the talks not therapy)... it always results in her feeling like she's failing at something, like I'm attacking her, and her saying she's going to try to work on it. She never tried to work on it as far as I know. And a few months ago I even tried to take some herbal supplements that supposedly help lower your libido, but they didn't do anything for me. I do agree we need to have another talk about this, and we touched on it a few times yesterday. She said she knows that it's not all my fault that she is to blame for the lack of sex, but the lying and hiding things from her really makes her question everything in our past, and seeing the video, seeing me doing something weird and porn-like really upset her and changed her view of me. 101110101 fucked around with this message at Feb 22, 2013 around 17:21 |
| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:18 |
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falcon2424 posted:Why do you think you're addicted to porn? Addiction is doing a thing past the point where there are clear negative consequences. This^ And also this v Agro ver Haus doom posted:So your relationship was founded/based on drugs and then the drug using stopped and you're wondering why it's not the same? One of the major things that brought you two together is gone, and your wife apparently isn't even attracted to you any more? Your relationship is cracked at the foundation. If you sit down with your wife and have a talk about the state of things, pay very close attention to what she wants. What you want should come across as fixing the relationship and getting it back to being as good as it once was, assuming you want her more than a desk full of fleshlights. You say you gave up porn for her in the beginning and that sex felt like an expression of how much you cared about her, well you should probably find other ways to express it too rather than looking to her for sex when something is clearly turning her off about you/your relationship. Sex is just one aspect of a relationship, and if things are hosed up with that, they're probably hosed up in other aspects too. Look for those problems, resolve them, and the sex stuff just might take a turn for the better. I hate to give the standard e/n response but you two probably need couples therapy. A therapist pointing out how one of you is inadvertently hurting the other with your actions will feel way less like an attack than if either of you point those things out to each other. Therapy can help a lot given time, but be patient and don't expect the first session or two to really do anything.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:24 |
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101110101 posted:She hates porn and the industry and the sleaze of it, and doesn't understand completely that I use it as a means to an end. I can understand that, I don't want her looking at other guys and masturbating. But she also has full access to me and my sex drive, so she doesn't need to look at other guys. Not so much the case with me, I've even tried to get her to just let me take some pictures of her for my own personal use, and I've taken a few on vacation and stuff but I guess I get bored with the same picture every time. Yo how have you gotten through so much of your life around acid users and art types and literally no one ever told you that it is okay to look at porn? 1. Porn is means to an end for both you AND your wife. As you've said it doesn't replace sex and it would not be "your wife looking at other guys and masturbating" in any way that would be different from you looking at porn if you so choose. What a weird double standard. Porn can be and often is a healthy safe outlet for sexuality. 2. All kinds of things cause low libido in women and if this is a problem she wants to acknowledge and fix, in that you have sexual needs in this marriage she physically isn't fulfilling, a doctor might help. If she's on the pill/ any hormonal birth control it could be that. Stress, alcohol use, and other hormonal or physiological issues can all lower libido in women. But chances are she isn't attracted to you, you don't turn her on at all and your sex life has been such a source of stress and misery to her for so long she no longer wants to think about it or deal with it. Maybe it started with a physical issue that went undiagnosed and now it's mental too, who knows. 3. A sex therapist will only tell you that watching porn is normal and fine, that it isn't a replacement for intimacy and is beneficial to hundreds of thousands of marriages, even for partners with happy, active, communicative sex lives. He/she may also help you figure out why you repress your sexual urges and consider them shameful and explore safe ways to express them (ie watching porn and/or doing your wife). Literally everyone who walked into this thread was expecting something way more out there than the mostly-vanilla mild porn consumption we got. You don't have a porn problem, you have some kind of catholic guilt problem. Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you though, or talk about it I guess, so your relationship is hosed. To assist the thread immensely because I didn't see it, how old are you two and how long have you been together? Could her issues be pre-menopausal?
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:26 |
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101110101 posted:I attribute in my unprofessional opinion this experience to be the main contributor to my lust for the female body. I would attribute this to 'being a heterosexual man'. You really seem ashamed of the fact that you have sexual needs, and you make out like its something you need to get rid of so you have the same low libido as your wife. It isn't. You two just need to find a way to both be happy and here's a hint: if she won't see anyone about her libido and she won't even let you masturbate then she is not willing to work things out. She is also being incredibly controlling. As for you, dial down the unusual sex stuff like recording yourself using a fleshlight and just jerk off to some porn as often as you want. You don't have an addiction unless it is causing negative consequences. EDIT: Also this: quote:I never masturbated her just kind of touched her vagina.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:33 |
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101110101 posted:We've done this before(edit, the talks not therapy)... it always results in her feeling like she's failing at something, like I'm attacking her, and her saying she's going to try to work on it. She never tried to work on it as far as I know. And a few months ago I even tried to take some herbal supplements that supposedly help lower your libido, but they didn't do anything for me. I do agree we need to have another talk about this, and we touched on it a few times yesterday. She said she knows that it's not all my fault that she is to blame for the lack of sex, but the lying and hiding things from her really makes her question everything in our past, and seeing the video, seeing me doing something weird and porn-like really upset her and changed her view of me. How are you approaching this? If you broach the conversation by complaining about your sex life, then yeah it makes sense she'd immediately feel defensive and ashamed. I'm a guy too, and I can tell you from experience that we tend to be pretty transparent in our desires and I'm pretty sure your wife has an accurate idea about what you want and how often you want to be having sex. I'd approach things from the other angle- what does your wife like? You mentioned she's happy with you on top just pokin away, but I'm sure she has fantasies and desires beyond that. It's possible she has the same feelings of guilt and shame that you clearly have, perhaps amplified. Try opening up to each other and exploring and don't make it about "honeeeeeeeeeeeeey I want you to dooooo me it's been three weeks UGH". If you provide a safe and accepting place for her to explore and open up, maybe you'll reignite that beginning of a relationship infatuation. It's also possible you two just have very different sex drives and if that's the case you'll either need to reach an understanding (she should be accomodating of you looking to find other means of release when she doesn't want to have sex, you need to be attentive and respectful of her desires and not bug her about sex all the time), or you need to really seriously evaluate your relationship and decide if no sex is a dealbreaker for you.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:41 |
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Popping in to agree with everyone else, it doesn't sound like you really have an addiction, you're just finding outlets for your frustration over your wife's lack of desire for sex. I mean, I'll freely admit my husband has way more sex drive than I do, so if he watches porn and masturbates then I don't really begrudge him that.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:43 |
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At least you don't have any kids. Stop feeling guilty, get a divorce, find someone who respects you, problem solved.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 17:54 |
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Yeah, thinking about it a bit more, I think given your wife's strong reaction to finding out about your kinks, I'm willing to bet she feels very insecure about the fact that she doesn't think she's able to satisfy you sexually. If you bring it up to her, she's always just going to feel inadequate. Couples therapy would be perfect for this--it may help a lot to hear from an unbiased third party that you have different sexual desires, and that's okay, as long as you're able to find a happy compromise (which may or may not be possible, at the end of the day) I do really want to discourage you from thinking that you have a problem, though--it really seems like all of your issues could just as easily stem from perceived shame of having a higher libido and a few kinks (relative to your wife, anyway)
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:04 |
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Who knew that men lusting after women was caused by boys playing the wee-wee game.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:17 |
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This post reads like you're one of those abuse victims who make excuses for the boyfriends that beat them because it's all their fault for having
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:20 |
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101110101 posted:We've done this before(edit, the talks not therapy)... it always results in her feeling like she's failing at something, like I'm attacking her, and her saying she's going to try to work on it. She never tried to work on it as far as I know. And a few months ago I even tried to take some herbal supplements that supposedly help lower your libido, but they didn't do anything for me. I do agree we need to have another talk about this, and we touched on it a few times yesterday. She said she knows that it's not all my fault that she is to blame for the lack of sex, but the lying and hiding things from her really makes her question everything in our past, and seeing the video, seeing me doing something weird and porn-like really upset her and changed her view of me. Her complaint amounted to, "I am shocked that a healthy adult found a non-harmful outlet for their sex drive. I had assumed that I was forcing you to suffer in silence! Now that I know this isn't the case, I am questioning everything." You're just getting gas-lighted. Also, the bold line makes me think that the rest of the relationship isn't all that good. It sounds like the whole discussion has turned into a minefield, where you've got to tip-toe around to not hurt her. This forces you into the role of a therapist. You can't play that role and be an equal partner in an adult relationship, at least, not at the same time. If there were some end in sight, ("My partner's really upset now, because X just happened, but it's going to get better because of Y"), then you'd be helping a partner through a rough-patch. But there isn't an end in sight. You're suffering. Your wife seems fine with this, and isn't taking normal-person steps towards fixing anything. I'd start looking for a way out of the relationship.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:22 |
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InEscape posted:Yo how have you gotten through so much of your life around acid users and art types and literally no one ever told you that it is okay to look at porn? I'd truly prefer not needing porn all together, I don't exactly care to see other women naked anymore, it's just a means to an end. If she did what I've done I'd be incredibly jealous and angry, but I think I'd be understanding if I couldn't or wouldn't perform. Which is the case with her not performing enough for me. This sounds selfish as I type it... quote:2. All kinds of things cause low libido in women and if this is a problem she wants to acknowledge and fix, in that you have sexual needs in this marriage she physically isn't fulfilling, a doctor might help. If she's on the pill/ any hormonal birth control it could be that. Stress, alcohol use, and other hormonal or physiological issues can all lower libido in women. But chances are she isn't attracted to you, you don't turn her on at all and your sex life has been such a source of stress and misery to her for so long she no longer wants to think about it or deal with it. Maybe it started with a physical issue that went undiagnosed and now it's mental too, who knows. She's not on any pill, she might have some blood condition(hasn't gotten tested, she fears needles like you wouldn't believe) that a birth control pill could potentially kill her. I know that it definitely stresses her out. And for the last two or three years I've understood that she's working her rear end off in school, she has a lot of stress about school, bills, student loans and not bringing in any money (She just recently got a real job, other than that I've been the sole provider. She did have some coffee shop jobs but the money was negligible and I told her to just use it for lunch and incidentals at school or whatever, I'll handle the bills and big things). quote:3. A sex therapist will only tell you that watching porn is normal and fine, that it isn't a replacement for intimacy and is beneficial to hundreds of thousands of marriages, even for partners with happy, active, communicative sex lives. He/she may also help you figure out why you repress your sexual urges and consider them shameful and explore safe ways to express them (ie watching porn and/or doing your wife). I'm 27 and she is 24, we'll have been married for 4 years this November, and together for about 6 years total. When I bring the sex thing up with older people they say all young girls are like this, just wait til she's 30...
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:26 |
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Jeffrey posted:At least you don't have any kids. Stop feeling guilty, get a divorce, find someone who respects you, problem solved. That's the last thing I want. I truly love this woman more than anything, and with the exception of the sex life everything is perfect and what I want. Literally the only thing I could ask for is more affection and sex.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:28 |
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101110101 posted:I'm 27 and she is 24, we'll have been married for 4 years this November, and together for about 6 years total. When I bring the sex thing up with older people they say all young girls are like this, just wait til she's 30... There it is. You married a girl you couldn't even take to a bar.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:29 |
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101110101 posted:When I bring the sex thing up with older people they say all young girls are like this, just wait til she's 30... This is a crock of poo poo
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:30 |
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tallkidwithglasses posted:How are you approaching this? If you broach the conversation by complaining about your sex life, then yeah it makes sense she'd immediately feel defensive and ashamed. I'm a guy too, and I can tell you from experience that we tend to be pretty transparent in our desires and I'm pretty sure your wife has an accurate idea about what you want and how often you want to be having sex. I'd approach things from the other angle- what does your wife like? You mentioned she's happy with you on top just pokin away, but I'm sure she has fantasies and desires beyond that. It's possible she has the same feelings of guilt and shame that you clearly have, perhaps amplified. Try opening up to each other and exploring and don't make it about "honeeeeeeeeeeeeey I want you to dooooo me it's been three weeks UGH". If you provide a safe and accepting place for her to explore and open up, maybe you'll reignite that beginning of a relationship infatuation. I never really come at it like 'Goddamn it's been a loving month and I am absolutely dying right now' . Even though I feel that way, I'm more concerned about how she feels about me, because to me wanting to have sex with her is a physical display of the mental connection we have. I guess she just doesn't place the same emphasis on the physical side of things? I'm willing to reach a compromise in the sex department, I just don't know how or what it would be. I don't want to have sex with her if she doesn't want to have sex with me... I imagine that's what a prostitute is like and I don't want that. I want that fire and lust and 'I can't go another second without you' kind of thing... Like it used to be.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:30 |
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If your cousin's actions aren't taking up a lot of space in your head, I'm hesitant to tell you to linger on them. But, I don't think it's accidental you've ended up in this place where you're experiencing shame and conflict over your sexuality. Please talk to a therapist about this.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:31 |
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101110101 posted:I'd truly prefer not needing porn all together, I don't exactly care to see other women naked anymore, it's just a means to an end. If she did what I've done I'd be incredibly jealous and angry, but I think I'd be understanding if I couldn't or wouldn't perform. Which is the case with her not performing enough for me. This sounds selfish as I type it... All girls are not like this. The people you are talking to don't want to rock the boat and tell you that you have a serious problem, but you do. It is weird that you enjoy porn but would be uncomfortable with your wife looking at it. Similarly, there is no reason why you should feel guilty about it. It isn't a bad or negative thing and it doesn't hurt anyone(except maybe by driving demand for exploitation, but that doesn't strike me as the sort of guilt you're feeling). You are being gaslighted, you are the "normal" one. It isn't healthy to not be able to bring up the topic and have an adult discussion about it with your wife, and you ought to do something about that if you don't want to be miserable for a long time. You seriously would rather take drugs to suppress your libido instead of working out the issue like an adult?
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:31 |
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I guess we should really get into couples therapy... I've debated showing her this thread but I don't know what that will end up like. You guys at least made me feel a little more normal. I was terrified of being some sexual deviant with hosed up fetishes and quirks that normal guys don't get into... and that my wife would look at me the way I look at a pedophile or a furry...
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:32 |
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101110101 posted:I guess we should really get into couples therapy... I've debated showing her this thread but I don't know what that will end up like. You guys at least made me feel a little more normal. I was terrified of being some sexual deviant with hosed up fetishes and quirks that normal guys don't get into... and that my wife would look at me the way I look at a pedophile or a furry...
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:34 |
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Dude, if anything it's weird how vanilla you are, yet are deeply ashamed of being a normal adult. You definitely need therapy to work on your issues with your sexuality. It's bad that your wife is reinforcing your issues.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:34 |
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CountingCrows posted:Dude, if anything it's weird how vanilla you are, yet are deeply ashamed of being a normal adult. I'm imagining a shivering, nervous adult at a sex addicts meeting stammering out "sometimes I... I... watch naked women have sex on the internet".
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:36 |
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Jeffrey posted:You seriously would rather take drugs to suppress your libido instead of working out the issue like an adult? I'm just willing to try anything to make this work. That was an easy way to try, just order some herbs on amazon and be done with it... except it didn't work. We've had many conversations about libido before, but to no real conclusion.
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:37 |
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| # ? May 21, 2013 09:38 |
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OP what's your job?
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| # ? Feb 22, 2013 18:37 |
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