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Yup. I had the thread a little while ago where I thought my transguy boyfriend was cheating. After the ups and downs of the big reveal, cellphone gate, and the eventual derail and gassing, everything was fine. Except for those people who were 100% right about the fact that the trust was gone. When I told him I went into his phone, his reaction was monumental. All trust disappeared and he basically just stopped responding to anything I was saying. It's over, I've moved out, we essentially broke up through inaction on his part. I did my best to tell him that it was a two-way street, we both are to blame, we both have to contribute to have a functioning relationship. His every response was 'I don't care' or 'what does it matter?' if I asked him questions. He never cheated on me so, in a sense, I sabotaged myself. But the cracks were there already, I realise that if it wasn't now it'd be further down the track. I moved out today and it's crushing me. Don't worry, I've read the breakup thread. The one thing I can't really wrap my mind around is that it feels like there's noone left in the world who actually knows me. My friends know me but not like he did, not really. I don't feel alone, I feel like I'm from another planet and noone speaks my language or knows my species. It hurts like a bitch, five years of my life gone down the gutter. I deliberately posted this thread as a platform for every person who told me to leave, that it was over. This is the time for your I-told-you-so's. I should have listened to you.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 07:22 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 01:15 |
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Seems more like you broke up because of your insecurity. EDIT: I know it would be easy to be all "there there, you'll find someone else", but you probably will and that will end the same way unless you take responsibility for what has happened (and will keep happening). If you're going to snoop, do it in full view of your partner. Carlos Spicywiener fucked around with this message at Feb 23, 2013 around 07:39 |
| # ? Feb 23, 2013 07:35 |
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five years of my life gone down the gutter. [/quote] No it's not, don't think like this. Learn from your time with him and move on, trying your very best to not make the same mistakes.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 08:00 |
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You were cheated on. See you in a month or two when you figure it out.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 08:31 |
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It didn't sound healthy, dude. You had some legitimate concerns about his loser family, his denial of your relationship to a group of people he ostensibly didn't like, he was constantly dismissing your concerns, and obviously his 'communication' with you was in the toilet, if you eventually felt the need to check his phone. So don't think checking his phone was the problem. The problem was there long before the snooping.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 09:17 |
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I thought you two were engaged. If THAT has caused your (five year no-less) relationship to end, then you're both losers who shouldn't be looking to the tie the knot anyway. Not to say the weird "He's ashamed of me before his friends" vibe didn't clue me in to how bizarre the whole thing was...
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 09:17 |
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Disclaimer: I didn't read the previous thread, so apologies if my ignorance shows through.Slavvy posted:I moved out today and it's crushing me. Don't worry, I've read the breakup thread. The one thing I can't really wrap my mind around is that it feels like there's noone left in the world who actually knows me. My friends know me but not like he did, not really. I don't feel alone, I feel like I'm from another planet and noone speaks my language or knows my species. It hurts like a bitch, five years of my life gone down the gutter. Like Bambina said, this is not a good way to think -- if nothing else, you can learn from this and take it into future relationships. It's natural right now to be hurt and to feel like you'll never be able to move on, but you will, and chances are you'll find someone who'll know you as well or better than he did. Things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like they will right now. Focus on moving forward, learning, and healing.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 09:57 |
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I agree with natetimm and Vindicator. And while you're hurting now, on the positive side you can eventually get over the loss and find a woman who wants to remain a woman, keep her girly parts and allow natural biological processes to maintain her estrogen levels within established parameters. So there's that. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 10:23 |
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Binary Logic posted:I agree with natetimm and Vindicator. Don't say transphobic poo poo. For one, OP's ex was never a woman. There is nothing illegitimate about trans people. The fact that the OP knows this (he was just in a relationship with a trans guy, obviously he was fine with it) while you're trying to give him the opposing viewpoint masquerading as 'advice' means you need to grow up and stop it with the bigoted twattery.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 10:33 |
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Told you so. You'll be happy soon. Just don't make another drat thread when you are and I have to say the above all over again.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 11:30 |
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Find someone who isn't a poo poo. Enjoy the fact that you had a seemingly fulfilling relationship for X amount of years and go get another.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 13:36 |
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Your issue with now ex-fiance still sounded like a cheater. I say this coming from the view of someone who was cheated on and lied to with stuff that sounded similar enough to what you posted. Don't feel bad. Hopefully you can find someone who won't hide you from their friends this time.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 13:38 |
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Good. Your attitude towards his whole transition was kind of creepy (I'm not GAY I'll stay with him as long as he keeps his vagina but UGH I hope I don't have to deal with an icky half-wang), and it wouldn't surprise me if you were unconsciously sabotaging things to have an out.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 14:14 |
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Vindicator posted:Don't say transphobic poo poo. For one, OP's ex was never a woman. There is nothing illegitimate about trans people. The fact that the OP knows this (he was just in a relationship with a trans guy, obviously he was fine with it) while you're trying to give him the opposing viewpoint masquerading as 'advice' means you need to grow up and stop it with the bigoted twattery. If you read the OP's thread, he really didn't sound ok with dating a trans guy, considering he still called his partner his "girlfriend" and was scared that his "girlfriend" would physically transition and get an "icky half-wang"...
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 14:20 |
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Slavvy posted:I deliberately posted this thread as a platform for every person who told me to leave, that it was over. This is the time for your I-told-you-so's. I should have listened to you. Aw hey, no one wants to do that  It's not like it's satisfying when someone's life goes wrong, even if you predicted it. I'd much rather be wrong than 'right' in these instances. Slavvy posted:Except for those people who were 100% right about the fact that the trust was gone. When I told him I went into his phone, his reaction was monumental. All trust disappeared and he basically just stopped responding to anything I was saying. It's over, I've moved out, we essentially broke up through inaction on his part. I did my best to tell him that it was a two-way street, we both are to blame, we both have to contribute to have a functioning relationship. His every response was 'I don't care' or 'what does it matter?' if I asked him questions. He never cheated on me so, in a sense, I sabotaged myself. But the cracks were there already, I realise that if it wasn't now it'd be further down the track. You didn't sabotage yourself; your relationship wasn't healthy enough to recover from this, and your boyfriend absolutely shut down which is not healthy or effective communication as a partner. The potential cheating and whether or not it happened isn't as much of an issue now, it's the fact that you can't bring your fears up to your partner without him becoming obstinate and everything derailing. If you didn't break up, you would've had to go to some serious couple's counseling to work on how you communicate; and it really doesn't sound like your bf is open to that sort of thing. You're not a freak or a weirdo; you're feeling lonely but it will pass. You said you weren't a romantic - just think about the fact that statistically, there's so many people in the world, you can find someone else who meshes with you. This wasn't your 'one shot' or anything like that. StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at Feb 23, 2013 around 14:32 |
| # ? Feb 23, 2013 14:30 |
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Op you didn't sabotage this. He was hiding you from his friends which is not healthy at all. Whilst he may not have physically cheated I'd bet there was a degree of emotional cheating going on. Congratulations for getting out of a lovely relationship.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 14:41 |
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Dude. What happened is a good thing. You will look back in years and be glad that this happened. Today is a new day. Look to the future and realize that now you can seek someone who will RESPECT YOU, unencumbered. You're gonna be okay. Please find a partner who will show you more respect, and someone whose friends you can be yourself around. Congrats, actually. Take some time for yourself and work on making yourself a better person, and don't give up looking for someone with whom you can share mutual respect.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 15:15 |
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This really is for the best, if your fiancé wasn't willing to acknowledge your relationship publicly then he really did not respect you or the relationship. You can only put so much effort into a one-sided relationship like that before your insecurities about the other person not caring about you or your concerns become insurmountable. You'll find a nice vagina-having human who is so excited to tell everyone about you that you'll wonder why you ever tolerated being kept a secret.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 16:19 |
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Yeah, OP, think of this as a new opportunity. You never seemed like you were that happy with him in the first place, now's the chance to hit the town and meet some new girls you're more compatible with.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 16:48 |
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Like others said, think of this as a new beginning. And hey, you got out before getting married; think of how much of a headache this would be if you had to bring lawyers into it.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 17:32 |
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Slavvy posted:Yup. I had the thread a little while ago where I thought my transguy boyfriend was cheating. After the ups and downs of the big reveal, cellphone gate, and the eventual derail and gassing, everything was fine. Nah, you were cheated on. It's super obvious to pretty much everyone but you. Sorry, I know this all sucks and it probably doesn't help to hear that, but yeah dude, you were cheated on.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 17:42 |
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Checking his phone was a violation of privacy, yes. But if that's the only problem you guys had, you would have worked it out - you would have been able to explain your insecurity, he would have listened, you would have apologized, things would heal. But as discussed ad nauseam in the other thread, snooping is rarely an isolated thing and it usually indicates that the relationship is unhealthy in some way. It's far more troubling that he shuts down any discussion, that he cultivates friends around whom he can't be himself (it's understandable to not want to run around telling strangers that you're a trans guy for fear of attacks, but to seek out friends? People you willingly spend a lot of time with? And not be willing to be upfront about your identity?), that he will not be open about your relationship in front of these friends, that he has yet to learn that distancing yourself from hateful or chronically troubled people is more important than continuing damaging relationships because "dude they're my FRIENDS," and that he wants you to break the law by driving illegally because he's "tired of driving" and wants to win an argument. And I think it's still possible that he may have been cheating. He had a whole group of people that he kept separate from you, stayed out for long periods with them without notice, sent texts that seem too intimate for friends to one, and made the confrontation you two had all about your insecurity and breach of trust and not about his behavior, which would probably cause insecurity in any partner. He certainly had the opportunity, and shifting blame is a convenient way to get off the hook without an admission of guilt. Whatever, maybe you'll find out someday, but this whole thing was symptomatic of bigger problems. This guy sounds like he has yet to grow up, and that he continues to have a lot of issues coming to terms with his own identity. You sound like you also had some issues with his identity, since you didn't want to "complicate" your story by indicating that you were dating a man and the thought of your lover having penis-like genitals seems to make you squirm. If you have romantic love for the person regardless of sex, as you said you did, why would what he chose or didn't choose to do with his genitals be something that would gross you out? I'm not saying this can't be a reasonable factor--many, if not most, people have a specific enough orientation that a change or perceived change in the outward signs of sex would affect their attraction--but I don't think you're being honest with yourself about what would happen if you stayed together. Get yourself together and find someone else who also has their poo poo together. Never you mind fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2013 around 03:10 |
| # ? Feb 23, 2013 17:43 |
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Never you mind posted:Checking his phone was a violation of privacy, yes. But if that's the only problem you guys had, you would have worked it out - you would have been able to explain your insecurity, he would have listened, you would have apologized, things would heal. Granted I think this is ultimately the best for the OP as it did sound like the relationship had plenty of problems. ArbitraryC fucked around with this message at Feb 23, 2013 around 18:36 |
| # ? Feb 23, 2013 18:16 |
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ArbitraryC posted:You guys really want this to be true but for a lot of people out there it's simply not going to be. Accusing your partner of lying by going behind their back to violate their privacy in search of proof is a pretty big deal and OP seems to have learned that lesson the hard way. That's why I qualified it with: "But as discussed ad nauseam in the other thread, snooping is rarely an isolated thing and it usually indicates that the relationship is unhealthy in some way." I believe we're saying more or less the same thing. If we differ anywhere, it's in trying to evaluate the snooping by itself. The situation I presented ("If this were the only problem") was in response to the OP thinking that his phone-checking was the cause of the split - as if the relationship was going along just great. His idea isn't reasonable, because his breach of trust was a symptom of many ongoing problems in the relationship that he had avoided dealing with directly. It's very hard to imagine a situation in which snooping is the problem itself and not symptomatic of primary issues with communication, trust, insecurity... In the OP's case, those issues were not resolvable. In some cases they may be.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 18:52 |
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ArbitraryC posted:You guys really want this to be true but for a lot of people out there it's simply not going to be. Accusing your partner of lying by going behind their back to violate their privacy in search of proof is a pretty big deal and OP seems to have learned that lesson the hard way. It is true for most normal people, not people utterly obsessed with their privacy, though.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 18:59 |
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Not just your snooping but especially the switching back and forth of pronouns for your partner showed your complete lack of respect for that relationship.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 19:04 |
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I HATE PINK BIKES posted:Not just your snooping but especially the switching back and forth of pronouns for your partner showed your complete lack of respect for that relationship. Some people early on in transition can be unsure or variable about what pronoun they prefer to use, especially if they are presenting differently among different groups (for example, friends vs work, or different groups of friends) and/or are not out publicly. Still, it is kinda weird that the OP and his partner didn't sit down and sort out which one was preferred in the context of their relationship, and speaks to a lack of communication
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 19:10 |
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312 posted:It is true for most normal people, not people utterly obsessed with their privacy, though. Can we not get back into the snooping = deal breaker derail? There was a reason the other thread was gassed, and people are just bringing up the same arguments over am over again at this point.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 20:15 |
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I'm having trouble following. Was this the dude who thought his bi fiancé was cheating on him and went looking through her phone and found "I can't wait to see you" messages? So she's a actually a transgender person?
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 21:25 |
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got dat wmd posted:I'm having trouble following. Was this the dude who thought his bi fiancé was cheating on him and went looking through her phone and found "I can't wait to see you" messages? So she's a actually a transgender person? He was always trans, I kept that out of it initially to prevent it going completely off the rails about the trans thing because I wanted advice on the potential cheating thing.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 21:34 |
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OP, I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, it's never nice to hear about a relationship ending (with obvious exceptions like abusive ones) but I think you'll be happier in the long run, and the emptiness will pass. I can't really offer much advice, other than to try and keep yourself busy seeing friends and being active. Also it wasn't 5 years wasted, although it probably isn't healthy to dwell on it now, you'll probably have some happy memories to look back on later, and you learnt some stuff about relationships in the process. Even though mistakes were made on both sides, and it's important to learn, don't beat yourself up about it.
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| # ? Feb 23, 2013 21:43 |
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While cell phone snooping is always a bad decision, shutting down completely and then ending a five year long relationship/engagement over it seems unusually dramatic. If they were really not cheating and this was just a series of errors they would still have all the reason to be angry with you but I can't believe that would be cause enough alone to terminate a long relationship over a single incident. So there was probably a lot more going on (and he was probably cheating on you) and this in the end is going to be for the best. Berke Negri fucked around with this message at Feb 23, 2013 around 22:21 |
| # ? Feb 23, 2013 22:13 |
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Saeku posted:If you read the OP's thread, he really didn't sound ok with dating a trans guy, considering he still called his partner his "girlfriend" and was scared that his "girlfriend" would physically transition and get an "icky half-wang"... This isn't an excuse for Binary Logic to say transphobic poo poo. They literally said that the OP could "find a woman who wants to remain a woman, keep her girly parts and allow natural biological processes to maintain her estrogen levels within established parameters". Do you think that they say that to every E/N breakup case? No? I wonder why BL might feel the need to vomit out that rubbish when the OP just broke up with his boyfriend. The OP's boyfriend is not a 'woman who doesn't want to remain a woman and keep her girly parts', he's a dude and he probably suffers a lot of poo poo because he has 'girly parts' and they loving bug him daily. BL was literally telling the OP that the upside to breaking up with his boyfriend is that he can date people who aren't trans as if trans people are not valid and equal dating material, and it was said in a way that really painted the OP's boyfriend as some sort of weird freak girl, instead of the dude he is.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 00:30 |
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Vindicator posted:This isn't an excuse for Binary Logic to say transphobic poo poo. They literally said that the OP could "find a woman who wants to remain a woman, keep her girly parts and allow natural biological processes to maintain her estrogen levels within established parameters". Do you think that they say that to every E/N breakup case? No? I wonder why BL might feel the need to vomit out that rubbish when the OP just broke up with his boyfriend. The OP's boyfriend is not a 'woman who doesn't want to remain a woman and keep her girly parts', he's a dude and he probably suffers a lot of poo poo because he has 'girly parts' and they loving bug him daily. BL was literally telling the OP that the upside to breaking up with his boyfriend is that he can date people who aren't trans as if trans people are not valid and equal dating material, and it was said in a way that really painted the OP's boyfriend as some sort of weird freak girl, instead of the dude he is. Did you miss the part in the first thread where OP said he was glad his bf wasn't getting bottom surgery because he didn't want his bf to have an "icky half-wang?" Binary Logic could have said it more tactfully but I agree with the message. OP is straight, it'll be better for everyone if he dates women instead of a man who happens to have a vagina.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 00:41 |
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Vindicator posted:This isn't an excuse for Binary Logic to say transphobic poo poo. They literally said that the OP could "find a woman who wants to remain a woman, keep her girly parts and allow natural biological processes to maintain her estrogen levels within established parameters". Do you think that they say that to every E/N breakup case? No? I wonder why BL might feel the need to vomit out that rubbish when the OP just broke up with his boyfriend. The OP's boyfriend is not a 'woman who doesn't want to remain a woman and keep her girly parts', he's a dude and he probably suffers a lot of poo poo because he has 'girly parts' and they loving bug him daily. BL was literally telling the OP that the upside to breaking up with his boyfriend is that he can date people who aren't trans as if trans people are not valid and equal dating material, and it was said in a way that really painted the OP's boyfriend as some sort of weird freak girl, instead of the dude he is. I know this forum is practically a self-parody now when it comes to being Progressive but it's still okay to suggest that somebody might be happier in a relationship with somebody else who has a body and mind that are in agreement on the whole gender thing.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 00:52 |
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If you're straight you'll probably be happier in a relationship with someone who isn't a man and whose genitals you don't feel compelled to speak degradingly of to a bunch of strangers. Hope that helps OP.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 01:03 |
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Congratulations on being an E/N success story! It may not feel like it now but it's completely evident that your relationship had no communication whatsoever and was bound to end at some point. It hurts for now but you'll get over it and find someone who fits you better.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 04:28 |
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The two of you weren't communicating, he kept shutting you down whenever you raised issues you were concerned about, and I'm not convinced you would have been ok with his transition. I think you dodged a bullet. Not that that necessarily makes breaking up any easier. Get over to the breakup thread.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 05:14 |
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Top Bunk Wanker posted:I know this forum is practically a self-parody now when it comes to being Progressive but it's still okay to suggest that somebody might be happier in a relationship with somebody else who has a body and mind that are in agreement on the whole gender thing. I don't think that "you'll be happier with someone who isn't trans" is anything but a gross thing to say, ever. How is not being a poo poo in public about millions of people and their gender identities "a self-parody...Progressive" and not just good old-fashioned politeness?
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 05:40 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 01:15 |
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AlbieQuirky posted:I don't think that "you'll be happier with someone who isn't trans" is anything but a gross thing to say, ever. How is not being a poo poo in public about millions of people and their gender identities "a self-parody...Progressive" and not just good old-fashioned politeness? I think the point isn't "he'll be happier with someone who isn't trans", but "he'll be happier with a woman." Because he is a straight guy and dating a man and in the first thread he seemed really uncomfortable about it to the point that he lied about it. Do you think that is really a healthy relationship for either partner? If he acted the same way to his cis male boyfriend I would tell him to go find a woman, too.
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| # ? Feb 24, 2013 05:42 |
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