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Minarch
Apr 25, 2007


Idea people are useless. Oh, sure, you think you have what it takes to come up with the next big thing. Maybe you even went so far as to write it down. Or maybe you just decided "eh, gently caress it, somebody else probably did it."

Well now's your chance to get your idea out there for all the mockery and ridicule it deserves. Who knows, maybe some enterprising young goon will do a KickStarter and put your idea into production. Then when you walk down the aisles of Wal-Mart, you can point to that lovely hunk of plastic and tell your friends how you totally came up with that two years ago.

Idea: Make the US postal service profitable again. For those who haven't noticed, the USPS is losing money every day. Here's how we could turn that around in one simple step: sell corporate sponsorships for postage stamps. We've already had postage stamps with Elvis and Peanuts characters on them, so it's not like there's some sanctity to them. Imagine, for a few million dollars, McDonalds could pay to have a run of postage stamps made with a picture of the Big Mac. They could even do a promotion for 25 cents off your McNuggets if you bring in a canceled stamp. The stamps would still be sold at their usual price, so it's not a matter of shifting the cost. It'd just give companies one more venue to cram their advertisements down our eyeballs. This wouldn't make any changes to the postal system itself, so it should be easy to implement.

Idea: The best action movie ever. I want a feature-length action movie that's just one uncut fight scene. Just an hour and a half of car chases, guns, parkour, and dudes gettin their asses kicked. Like, checkout this fight scene from Tom Yum Goong. It's a 3.5 minute fight scene through some kind of hotel done in one continuous cut, and it is fantastic. Now, I know doing 3.5 minutes uncut like that was incredibly challenging, but with all the newfangled digital poo poo that hollywood can do, I'm sure they could make the film in as many takes as they need and stitch it together to make it look seamless. A movie with non-stop action and violence, with none of that stupid plot crap to get in the way. What's not to love??

So, let's hear it goons! What would you totally implement/invent if you weren't so drat lazy?

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Spanish Manlove
Aug 31, 2008

LAMIERDAROJA



A service that I can call that delivers Wendy's Frosties straight to my door.

Basically a butler only they feed me (as in put food into my mouth and move my jaw around to chew it then massage my throat so I swallow it), clean my house, carry me around in a palanquin, wipe my rear end, call girls for me and cancel every plan for me so I can play videogames in peace, and pretty much just run my life for me only I'm riding shotgun.

A leafblower but with a roll of toilet paper on the end so I can turbo-wipe my rear end.

Let me buy IV bags and all the needles and stuff so I can nuke my hangovers from orbit.

A hoverboard.

Bags of farts so you can enjoy the smell of farts by yourself without having to eat taco bell before hand.

Pochoclo
Feb 4, 2008
I like bread

I work as a software engineer/project leader in the silly world of web development. Over the last decade, I have had to put up with, hear, and develop countless ideas - all of them either terrible, bad or just offensive.

I'd create a website for a website idea evaluation service. You submit your idea as a PDF, and our team of experts evaluates it, then comes back to you.

The system is designed to always tell you your idea loving sucks. Because it does.

SpazmasterX
Jul 13, 2006

Wrong about everything XIV related
~fartz~


Francostein posted:

A service that I can call that delivers Wendy's Frosties straight to my door.

Only if they deliver fries too.

Dickweasel Alpha
Feb 8, 2011

Mod Secrets #614 - Experto Crede is the one who bought most of those frog avatars


Why the gently caress doesn't Taco Bell deliver

Decrepus
May 21, 2008

All that you have found is your inevitable punishment.

I think rich people and poor people should be the same.

Twat McTwatterson
May 31, 2011


A replaceable rear end if yours gets pounded into oblivion.

Painful Dart Bomb
May 22, 2012


My idea is for a website called pornalikes.com. Basically you upload a picture of someone and it finds pornstars who look like them.

Also a beer infused with positive ions. The positive ions make you feel good when you drink it, and it's good for you or some other bullshit. It's actually just regular beer. I would call it Positive Drinking.

Twat McTwatterson
May 31, 2011


Painful Dart Bomb posted:

Also a beer infused with positive ions. The positive ions make you feel good when you drink it, and it's good for you or some other bullshit. It's actually just regular beer. I would call it Positive Drinking.

Uh beer is already filled with positive ions. And it makes me feel real good when I drink it. Already.

Your idea sucks.

e: I guess that's the joke. I GUESS.

Twat McTwatterson fucked around with this message at Feb 25, 2013 around 03:17

Humboldt Squid
Jan 21, 2006



The postal service isn't supposed to be profitable, it's a public service not a business.


We should hire a bunch of really scary looking guys to scare away all the canada geese so that the grass in every park wouldn't be full of goose poop.

Ovues
Mar 30, 2010

You betrayed me! You're not good. You, you're just a chicken. Cheeeep-chip-chip-chip-cheep-cheep-cheeEEeeEEeep.


I had one of these just the other night, I came up with something called the Sheeeeitbelt, it's a seatbelt that's made out of hemp so once you're done using it, you can burn it and get high.

Cream-of-Plenty
Apr 21, 2010


Small, transparent pockets in the pants of NFL uniforms that players can store pictures of their family and friends in. That way, when they're playing, they can look down at their pants and see something that makes them smile.

fleshy echidna
Apr 11, 2010


Put cutlery drawers in the bottoms of dining room chairs so you don't have to walk to the kitchen to set the table. Pay me goons.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012



Minarch posted:

Idea people are useless. Oh, sure, you think you have what it takes to come up with the next big thing. Maybe you even went so far as to write it down. Or maybe you just decided "eh, gently caress it, somebody else probably did it."

Well now's your chance to get your idea out there for all the mockery and ridicule it deserves. Who knows, maybe some enterprising young goon will do a KickStarter and put your idea into production. Then when you walk down the aisles of Wal-Mart, you can point to that lovely hunk of plastic and tell your friends how you totally came up with that two years ago.

Idea: Make the US postal service profitable again. For those who haven't noticed, the USPS is losing money every day. Here's how we could turn that around in one simple step: sell corporate sponsorships for postage stamps. We've already had postage stamps with Elvis and Peanuts characters on them, so it's not like there's some sanctity to them. Imagine, for a few million dollars, McDonalds could pay to have a run of postage stamps made with a picture of the Big Mac. They could even do a promotion for 25 cents off your McNuggets if you bring in a canceled stamp. The stamps would still be sold at their usual price, so it's not a matter of shifting the cost. It'd just give companies one more venue to cram their advertisements down our eyeballs. This wouldn't make any changes to the postal system itself, so it should be easy to implement.



I just want to say that, if the Republicans hadn't pushed terrible legislation that was designed to make the US postal service unprofitable then it would still be profitable.

My Cool Idea: Glow-in-the-dark solar panels that can power themselves during the night.

Zombear
Dec 4, 2007
Catchphrase!

I had the idea for a riding vacuum cleaner. I guess it's just a segway with a hoover lashed onto it.

Also caffeinated orange juice. Some people don't like coffee and I want their money.

Decrepus
May 21, 2008

All that you have found is your inevitable punishment.

Give more money to job creators.

particle409
Jan 15, 2008

Thou bootless clapper-clawed varlot!


Two ideas to help charities raise money.

1. PORN FOR PANDAS: Somebody like the World Wildlife Fund needs to jump on this marketing opportunity. Ever hear of zoologists showing panda porn to pandas, in order to get them to reproduce? You mock up posters/fliers, asking you to invest in "panda porn." Put them up in dive bars and such. Make it easy for people to Paypal a few bucks towards the charity, using links and QR codes. Plead, telling people that every dollar will go towards helping Ping-Ping get his dick wet. A few bucks from drunk people in a bar, across multiple bars, and you have some serious cash. You can add some fine print on the bottom of the fliers explaining that some money may go towards saving whales or manatees, etc.

2. TIGER TURD PAPERWEIGHTS: There's a big cat rescue place, that puts up fun Youtube videos of lions playing with catnip, etc. They also have a video explaining how they have to pick up tiger crap. They should start a Kickstarter, explaining how they need money for one of those clear paperweight making machines/molds. They could then sell tiger turd paperweights. It could have the animal's scientific name and picture on the bottom. Maybe $30 a pop? Obviously they have a limited supply, but they can get creative. Feed them leopards some bran muffins.

edit:
I can't find the video where they explain having to pick up tiger poo poo, but here's two good ones from their channel.

BIG CATS vs Laser Pointers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3BHSt42L0Y

Q: Do TIGERS like catnip??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tklx3j7kgJY

particle409 fucked around with this message at Feb 25, 2013 around 03:51

Bring Back Noid
Sep 16, 2005



Well I can't believe I'm going to give away my idea, but here goes.

Okay so imagine the George Foreman Grill, but instead of heat elements, you have ultraviolet lights. BAM. George Foreman Ball Tanner.

You put your balls in it to get your nut sack that perfect bronze hue.

It sells itself.

Bring Back Noid fucked around with this message at Feb 25, 2013 around 03:50

Crow Jane
Oct 18, 2012




A bar in my neighborhood that isn't completely filled with douchebag college kids or sad alcoholics. I think a wine/ martini bar would do quite well here, but for some reason it's all two for one Natty Ice. It'd just be nice to go out and not have to worry about DDs or cabs.

And I would totally pay for an HBO/Showtime streaming service separate from cable, through XBox Live or whatever.

ol qwerty bastard
Dec 13, 2005

If you want something done, do it yourself!

Sound effect hinges. There are hinges that squeak or creak or sound like Chewbacca so it must be possible to precision-engineer them with custom sounds. For example you could have a toilet seat that sounds like Liam Neeson saying "release the kraken" whenever you lift it.

HoboZero
Apr 19, 2008

MORON


StinkWhistle An rear end catheter, about the size of a pop-up turkey thermometer, with interchangeable reeds so you can make your farts sound like a duck call or maybe one of those whizzing propellor whistle things.

Sizone
Sep 13, 2007
Philosophy degrees add inches to your penis


Humboldt squid posted:

The postal service isn't supposed to be profitable, it's a public service not a business.




It's a public service, but it gets no funding other than from postage. While it shouldn't be profit driven, it should also be breaking even, or making money for expansion, rather than loosing money. Really what it needs to do is go back in time to 1995 and buy Viking before FedEx did.

Slim Killington
Nov 16, 2007

I SAID GOOD DAY SIR


During my last trip to Vegas, I suddenly realized that what Las Vegas needs is a zipline that runs from one end of the strip to the other. There can be stops in the middle as needed, ideally they'd serve drinks.

SlimWhiskey
Jun 1, 2010


Let's say that a movie company needs 10,000 snakes. Your daughter asks for 500 kittens for her birthday party. You're starting a ranch and need a couple dozen horses. Where do you go?
My new business, Bulk Animals. Small animals by the pound, larger animals by the crate. For 300 bucks I will deliver a dump truck full of mostly alive dogs to your house.

jalopybrown
Oct 11, 2012
Probation
Can't post for 3 days!


Miniature hamburgers and buns, sometimes I want to eat a varied selection of burgers but regular sized ones limit this ability for the average person. If we can have mini pizzas and pies and cupcakes I see no reason why miniburgers should only exist in my dreams.

Hijo Del Helmsley
Jul 18, 2012



It's 2013, and I refuse to believe we've got this far without meals in pill form.

Spanish Manlove
Aug 31, 2008

LAMIERDAROJA



A flare gun I can buy then shoot in the air that signals a giant eagle from the Hobbit to come deliver me mini burgers, then I hop onto his back and we go slap Obama for not giving everyone healthcare yet. The flare comes with two shots.

Airspray that makes things smell like your own balls so you can get that lived in feel anywhere. Comes custom tailored to each person. Please see our website.

Steampunk.

A suppository that makes my breath smell better.

Another butt inside of my normal butt.

And the classic, a ball of weed the size of the sun that then gets shot into the sun.

Mustard Snobbery
Mar 31, 2010



Replace the basket on a hot air ballon with a hot tub. The heating element used to create the hot air is also used to warm the water and create the bubbles. Comes with an optional ice bucket attachment which clamps to the side for keeping your bottle of champagne nice and cool.

El Estrago Bonito
Dec 17, 2010

Scout Finch Bitch


Videogame themed hotel in Las Vegas.

All of the elements already exist, there are various themed slot and pachinko machines and video game companies already constantly spend big bucks to rent out casinos and hotels for tournaments and press conferences in Vegas anyway. It seems natural to just build a place that caters to those audiences while mixing in traditional stuff like slots, tables and strippers. Plus you could have a swanky "pro shop" that just sold expensive headsets, cool controllers and poo poo and a service that charges insane prices for in room rentals of every common videogame system ever, sponsored mini-tournaments and a huge rear end netcafe and freeplay area filled with consoles and stuff. And a well kept Arcade, there are very few of those in Vegas these days. If you wanted to get gimmicky you could just make all the arcade machines cost pennies or something because you're not pulling money off of people's quarters like a traditional arcade.

Second Vegas idea:

Boyband themed big Vegas show. Single cast of six to eight guys with a supporting cast of women and then a lot of backup dancers. All based around 90's boyband music and "culture". Lots of variety of songs imitating famous performances and a ton of really quick costume changes keep people excited as your cast of semi attractive ex-showchoir stars belt out music we thought was really lame at the time but are now extremely nostalgic for.

Spanish Manlove
Aug 31, 2008

LAMIERDAROJA



A casino with Russian Roulette, Knife-Hand Games, Tiger Riding, Grenade Juggling Contests, Desert Bus Challenges, Pogo Sticks made out of Shotguns with the barrel pointed at your face and if you gently caress up it goes off, Endless Shrimp Buffets, Landmined Red Carpet, Black Jack (as in a heavy dude named Krzyztoff hits you on the back of the head with a Blackjack when you're trying to use the bathroom), the bathrooms actually are at the end of a hedge maze with a Minotaur in it, croupiers that are actually robots that self destruct when you try to cash out, and hookers that are just regular hookers.

Tonsured
Jan 13, 2005

I came across mention of a Gnostic codex called The Unreal God and the Aspects of His Nonexistent Universe, an idea which reduced me to helpless laughter. What kind of person would write about something that he knows doesn't exist, and how can something that doesn't exist have aspects?

Candy flavored pain killers to make them EVEN MORE appealing. Something like Mike and Vics.

Also a Spa simply named 'Ghetti.'

Tonsured fucked around with this message at Feb 25, 2013 around 17:24

Grei Skuring
Sep 12, 2011



Some sort of explosive or firework that explodes with such a precise blast it can generate sound effects. You order them online by sending in a clip and when you blow it up it's super loud.
"gently caress you!"

Tonsured
Jan 13, 2005

I came across mention of a Gnostic codex called The Unreal God and the Aspects of His Nonexistent Universe, an idea which reduced me to helpless laughter. What kind of person would write about something that he knows doesn't exist, and how can something that doesn't exist have aspects?

Grei Skuring posted:

Some sort of explosive or firework that explodes with such a precise blast it can generate sound effects. You order them online by sending in a clip and when you blow it up it's super loud.
"gently caress you!"

that would be amazing especially if you could follow it up with an "I quit!" or "Dad!"

Grei Skuring
Sep 12, 2011



You could also buy batteries of the things; playing songs at ear-destroying volumes would be easier than ever. Pyrotechnics at concerts and the like would get a new use.

edit: i am beginning to realise the potential military uses for this

Gumbel2Gumbel
Apr 28, 2010


Sizone posted:

It's a public service, but it gets no funding other than from postage. While it shouldn't be profit driven, it should also be breaking even, or making money for expansion, rather than loosing money. Really what it needs to do is go back in time to 1995 and buy Viking before FedEx did.

the postal service would be profitable if they didn't have to fund health benefits 75 years in advance in a ten year period.

The Republicans passed that during the Bush years because they want to kill it and then privatize it.

Speedboat Jones
Dec 28, 2008



Hate coffee, but love coffee poops? My new pills will have you making GBS threads like you've just downed a venti mocha latte before your first BM of the day, guaranteed.

Spanish Manlove
Aug 31, 2008

LAMIERDAROJA



Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

the postal service would be profitable if they didn't have to fund health benefits 75 years in advance in a ten year period.

The Republicans passed that during the Bush years because they want to kill it and then privatize it.

Ineffectively arguing about the fiscal realizations of a self sustaining nation wide postal system on a joke forum where dudes talk about having their farts be turned into actual words instead of pooft noises is my highdea.

Jellymouth
Jul 9, 2009


Cheesecake fondue
Its fondue made from cream cheese, ricotta cheese, chocolate, and whatever else might go into cheesecake. You could dip into it various types of cookies and biscuits, like graham crackers or lady fingers, or fruits like strawberries and raspberries. One day I might just up and make it.

In Rainbows
Feb 26, 2011


My dad's idea, which I have heard a lot growing up, is sliced peanut butter. In essence, peanut butter packaged in the same way Kraft singles are. You want to put peanut butter on a sandwich, you just unwrap it and place it on the bread.

Everyone he's ever told this to has thought it was a great idea, including a patent guy who said that was the only idea someone's come up to him and told him at a party that was actually a good idea.

Turns out they're apparently a thing, though we've never seen them.

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Decrepus
May 21, 2008

All that you have found is your inevitable punishment.

Making shooting those pain in the rear end Canadian Geese legal. No more green poop and free goose meat for everyone.

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