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A direct continuation from the opening scene of an untitled work. The Second Division (1118 words) entry #2  Izee and Carac traversed the ruined terrain, the mechanical mule tottered after them. “Bryce is pretty much everything stated in the union report, inside and out. A bit of a moron,” said Izee, “Kind of reminds me of you.” Carac cocked an eyebrow at Izee, she smiled. “Recruiting has really improved in recent orbits.” “What do you mean by 'recent orbits'?” asked Carac's tinny voice. “I mean recruiting has improved in the time it took for us to make several full rotations around our sun.” “What is a 'sun'?” “That's unimportant,” said Izee with a dismissive flap of her hand, “the point I was attempting to make is that Bryce is perfect for his role.” They came to a single blackened wall, formerly part of a larger underground structure. At its base lay charred skeletons and ash. Izee stopped and directed Carac's attention to the bones. “This is a good time for a short lesson about signs,” said Izee as she examined Carac's face, “it is part of your orientation. There are certain facts Central can pour into you but success will only come with familiarity.” She looked about the blasted landscape around them. She carefully got down on her padded knees amongst the skeletons, careful not to tear her hazard suit on any sharp fragments of cement or twisted wire. “I will show you the three basic signs we have witnessed.” Izee picked up a fibula and a femur, she hummed a tune as she played with the human remains. The first sign she assembled was a series of parallel lines, “This is a smaller version of what you might see out in the wilderness.” The second was a grid of triangles, “A common mark left by transient groups.” The third a square within a square, “Central believes this one represents a tesseract. Don't ask me what that means, I don't know either.” She stopped and made study of her work. “These signs tend to be the works of aberrant collectives. As diverse as those collectives may be, these three basic symbols appear to be common among all of them.” She swept away the bones. ### Episode four of Captain Moreheart season ten played, it was titled 'A New Life'. Bryce thought about the cycles he had spent with his friend back in the creche period of his life. It was a quiet time of knowledge implants, normalcy testing and structured play. He imagined that it was how Moreheart and Estien must have met, docile kids developing a lifelong friendship within the sterile environment of a youth ward. But we are not lifelong friends, he was gone long before wardship had been cancelled. A sudden horrible thought occurred to Bryce. What if I am my friend? Bryce turned the idea over and over in his mind, a heavy feeling began to creep up on him. What if I am Cedric? His body went rigid and the sound of his heart beat thudded loudly in his ears. No. He was a good guy, he couldn't be Cedric. He relaxed a little. But Cedric was a good guy once, before he turned bad! Bryce shot straight up off the couch. He placed his hands to the sides of his head and walked brisk circuits around the tiny room. Oh no! Oh no! Oh n- “Hey!” yelled Moreheart, followed by the sharp sound of his hands clapping together twice. Bryce stopped in his tracks and looked at the screen. All four main characters from season one of Captain Moreheart stood in parallel, facing towards the camera. They were in an office setting and they all stared directly at Bryce. That's strange, is this a flashback episode? “It was revealed in season eight that Cedric spent his entire childhood in wardship undetected,” said Moreheart emphatically, “There is no way Cedric could have been your friend.” “Cedric is a fictional character, he is not a real person,” added the faithful Estien. “You are not your friend, you are Bryce,” stated the beautiful Sensus, love interest and honourable director of the Cultural Stability commission. “Have something to eat.” He heard the food dispenser click, a packet fell from a small slot and onto the couch. Bryce reached out his arm and grabbed it. He ripped a strip off its top, tilted his head back, and shook the open packet over his face. Dehydrated flakes like pieces of dried skin slid out, he caught some of the stuff in his mouth, the rest cascaded down his cheeks and onto his chest. He brushed at the loose flakes as he chewed, his mouth went dry but the activity of He wondered if his friend had ever existed. If Cedric wasn't a real person it stands to reason that his friend wasn't real either, that he couldn't remember the name of the guy only lent credence to the theory. ”In the first episode of season three I had learnt to let go of past events,” whispered Norm the private investigator. The features of his face were hidden in darkness. “Do you remember how much pain the memories caused me?” Bryce nodded. Clearance of a district was conducted based on evidence Norm submitted to the commission at the end of season one. The districts air-circulation was isolated from the grid, and a large quantity of nerve agent had been pumped in. Norm had watched the entire process through live-feedback. “I hated the commission for what they did, when I closed my eyes I could see suffocating people squirm in their own faeces as they died,” he bowed his head. “I had to be placed in an adjustment clinic for an entire season.” “Norm came to realise the necessity of such an action,” said Sensus as she wept, she raised her bloodied palms towards Bryce. “that terrible things must be done for the integrity of everyone.” Moreheart, Estien, Norm, and Sensus all pointed fingers at the door in Bryce's chamber. The chamber door opened. Bryce walked over to it, placed a hand on the doors crossbar and tugged it, the door closed. Cedric does not exist, my friend from the youth ward probably doesn't either. Do I exist? I do not exist, he concluded. This gave him comfort. He settled back onto the couch, greatly relieved. On the screen Moreheart addressed Sensus in her office, “I may not be everything I used to be, but my purpose has never changed. That purpose being the preservation of Second Division society.” Sensus left her chair, walked around her desk and stood directly before the captain. “Oh Moreheart, you have sacrificed more for our civilisation than anyone will ever know. For that alone, I love you.” They kissed. The credits rolled. theworstname fucked around with this message at Feb 25, 2013 around 13:52 |
| # ? Feb 25, 2013 11:20 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 20:28 |
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The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed. I realize yours isn't supposed to be a first line, but the superficial similarity struck me and I thought I'd use this to show you how a sentence without a bunch of "flair" is far more compelling and interesting than your opening line here. Nobody traverses the ruined terrain. They flee across the desert! I notice that you still haven't figured out commas. Your first line is grammatically incorrect: quote:Izee and Carac traversed the ruined terrain, the mechanical mule tottered after them. These are all correct (but no less boring) versions: Izee and Carac traversed the ruined terrain, and the mechanical mule tottered after them. Izee and Carac traversed the ruined terrain, the mechanical mule tottering after them. Izee and Carac traversed the ruined terrain. The mechanical mule tottered after them. When using the comma with speech, unless you have a very good reason you should use the comma after the first sentence (or even sooner). So this: quote:“Bryce is pretty much everything stated in the union report, inside and out. A bit of a moron,” said Izee, “Kind of reminds me of you.” Should be this: “Bryce is pretty much everything stated in the union report, inside and out," said Izee. "A bit of a moron. Kind of reminds me of you.” Or this: “Bryce is pretty much everything stated in the union report," said Izee, "inside and out. A bit of a moron. Kind of reminds me of you.” The next sentence is also poo poo. quote:Carac cocked an eyebrow at Izee, she smiled. YOU CAN'T USE A COMMA LIKE THIS. You need to read some more books, I think. quote:“What do you mean by 'recent orbits'?” asked Carac's tinny voice. The voice didn't ask anything, Carac did. And for gently caress's sake, don't describe a voice as "tinny" unless someone is talking through a can on a rope. quote:Izee stopped and directed Carac's attention to the bones. Did she point at the bones? Then say that. quote:“This is a good time for a short lesson about signs,” said Izee as she examined Carac's face, “it is part of your orientation. There are certain facts Central can pour into you but success will only come with familiarity.” No, no. Like this: “This is a good time for a short lesson about signs,” said Izee as she examined Carac's face. “It is part of your orientation." quote:Izee picked up a fibula and a femur, she hummed a tune as she played with the human remains. You seem like a lost cause. One more comma fuckup, and I'm stopping. quote:The first sign she assembled was a series of parallel lines, “This is a smaller version of what you might see out in the wilderness.” Okay, I'm done. I will re-write this section for you as a parting gift. The first sign she assembled was a series of parallel lines. “This is a smaller version of what you might see out in the wilderness.” The second was a grid of triangles. “A common mark left by transient groups.” The third a square within a square. “Central believes this one represents a tesseract. Don't ask me what that means--I don't know either.” One last thing. There is no life in this piece. I don't know from whose perspective you are writing. What the gently caress happens when you start talking about some television show? I tried to read your original post but I also have no idea why Captain Moreheart is involved. Something to do with min control? Its basically impossible to follow.
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| # ? Feb 27, 2013 20:58 |
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Crimes Against Commas and Other Screw-ups would have made a more appropriate title for the story. It's time I take a serious look at writing basics I think.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 05:10 |
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