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JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

How this all began


JosephWongKS posted:

CONTEST TIME!

As recompense for dragging you guys through what promised to be an action-packed superhero gamebook but turned out to be the writer's terrible Livejournal soft-core romance fanfic, I hereby subject myself to reading a terrible book or fanfic of your choice and posting my chapter-by-chapter review of the book / fanfic in The Book Barn sub-forum.


How you can take part

To participate in the contest, write an ending for Heroes Rise in the style that has been inflicted on us so far. You may freely include characters / story elements that have been covered in this thread so far, as well as any additional characters and/or story elements of your choice. I will pick the most cringe-worthy one and the person who submitted that entry will get the reward described below.

The deadline for submissions is next Friday (1 February 2013).


Reward

The winner of this contest gets to pick a published book or a fanfic uploaded on a public site of his choice, and I will read the book and post a chapterly review at least twice a week on The Book Barn sub-forum.

If the winner picks a published book, the book must be available for purchase from Amazon.com, cost less than USD 30 on Amazon.com, be written in the English language, and of a shorter length than War & Peace.

If the winner picks a fanfic, the fanfic must be uploaded on a publicly accessible site (e.g. fanfiction.net, as opposed to a locked private blog), be written in the English language, and of a shorter length than War & Peace.


JosephWongKS posted:

EagerSleeper, I hereby declare you the Winner of the Contest!


Your prize

The winner of this contest gets to pick a published book or a fanfic uploaded on a public site of his choice, and I will read the book or fanfic and post a chapterly review at least twice a week on The Book Barn sub-forum.

If the winner picks a published book, the book must be available for purchase from Amazon.com, cost less than USD 30 on Amazon.com, be written in the English language, and of a shorter length than War & Peace.

If the winner picks a fanfic, the fanfic must be uploaded on a publicly accessible site (e.g. fanfiction.net, as opposed to a locked private blog), be written in the English language, and of a shorter length than War & Peace.

I will read and review anything you choose that meets the above criteria, up to and including Pokegirls fanfiction. Please don't make me read Pokegirls fanfiction.


EagerSleeper posted:

I will never make you read Pokegirls fanfiction.


I'd like to thank you for the great honor you have given me, and for allowing me to choose your next story to be read. I am proud to announce the next story I'd like you to see. It's an Amazon ebook called Twisted! by Miranda Leek. I hope it will be up to your caliber and standards, and that goons may find it interesting.


quote:






http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Miranda-Leek/dp/1452006210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359774262&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+miranda+leek posted:


Book Description
Publication Date: May 26, 2010

What Happens To Amusement Park Rides Once They Are Put Into Storage Or Destroyed? They are magically transported to a place only know as "Amusement Park Between", a park that co-exist within any other and is only accessible by those who are of its blood. There are no limits and no humans. The only residents are the RIDES. However, they are much different from our own. Amusement Park Between's rides are ALIVE, having both the characteristics of man and beast. Amusement Park Between was once merry and joyous, but for the past several years it has spiraled into turmoil. An evil tyrant known as Ironwheel has taken control, casting a dark shadow over Amusement Park Between, and whose evil intensions endanger both their world and our own. The rides only hope is the key to their prophecy, "The Red Will Defeat The Black". That perticular key is the only ride that was created differently. The red roller coaster, Railrunner. And This Is His Story.



http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Miranda-Leek/dp/1452006210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359774262&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+miranda+leek posted:


About the Author

Miranda Leek lives in the small town of Rockvale, Tennessee. Her love of art, writing, and roller coasters inspired Miranda, at the tender age of seventeen, to write Twisted; in which started as a simple experience and a few ideas, tuned into wonderful fully illustrated book that could be read over and over. Please visit http://www.mirandasmagic.com to view more of Miranda's work including the works of Twisted in their original form. Also Be On The Lookout For Book 2 In The Twisted Saga: VERTIGO



http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Miranda-Leek/dp/1452006210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359774262&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+miranda+leek posted:


14 of 16 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Twisted is a singular work March 14, 2011
By based demi god on deck

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I'm unsure as to how much paint one needs to huff to come up with the idea that anthropomorphizing an amusement park attraction is a suitable concept for a 'novel' (used in the loosest of senses here), but it's probably the same amount or more that is required to enjoy this book.



http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Miranda-Leek/dp/1452006210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359774262&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+miranda+leek posted:


9 of 10 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Why was this thing published? August 24, 2012
By Alice

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I first came upon this book after I saw the various concept drawing this author posted on DeviantArt and being intrigued. I thought it would be at very least enjoyable, if not actually good. I was wrong. This book is horrible, and I mean horrible, featuring shoddy writing, a cast of some of the most unlikable characters this side of the Twilight series, and a "plot" that's little more than a list of cliches cobbled together in the semblance of a narrative. Even the original draw (cute talking roller coasters) quickly gets undermined by how bad the entirety of the book is.

---

It's painfully obvious that this story was never edited or even proofread, as it's absolutely full of spelling and grammar errors. Just to cite one example, the author consistently spells "through" as "trough." A full list of all the mistakes would take me forever, but it's no exaggeration to say that I've read amateur fanfiction that had much better writing than this.

---

So, for those of you who were led here by the author's DA page, this is your warning: do not read this book. This book is not worth your money, it's not worth your time, and she had no business publishing it and making anyone pay money to read it. It wouldn't even pass muster in a free creative-writing workshop!

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JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Contents Page

0. Blurb, Acknowledgments and Prologue

1. Review of Chapter 1

2. Review of Chapter 2

3. Review of Chapter 3
3A. Picture of Rodney (Provided by EagerSleeper)
3B. Dramatic reading of Chapter 3 (Performed by Mercedes)

4. Review of Chapter 4
4A. Dramatic reading of Chapter 4 (Performed by Mercedes)

5. Review of Chapter 5
5A. Dramatic reading of Chapter 5 (Performed by Mercedes)
5B. Fanart of Rodney and the bartender (Drawn by EagerSleeper)

6. Review of Chapter 6
6A. Miranda Leek's character bio for Railrunner
6B. Miranda Leek's drawings of Railrunner's retractable wheel-claws (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
6C. Dramatic reading of Chapter 6 (Performed by Mercedes)
6D. Miranda Leek's drawings of an ultrasound image of a roller-coaster fetus (Provided by Geokinesis)

6.5 Interlude between Chapter 6 and Chapter 7

7. Guest review of Chapter 7 (Provided by Mercedes)
7A. Alternative book cover 1 (Provided by my dad the SA goon known as "my dad")
7B. Alternative book cover 2 (Provided by the SA goon known as "my dad")

8. Review of Chapter 8
8A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner's head (Provided by alcharagia)

9. Guest review of Chapter 9 (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
9A. Miranda Leek's character bio for Thunderbark
9C. Miranda Leek's Deviantart drawing of a roller-coaster-weasel (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
9D. Miranda Leek's character bio for Merrylegs
9E. Miranda Leek's character bio for Static
9F. Dramatic reading of Chapter 9 (Performed by the SA goon known as "my dad")

10. Review of Chapter 10
10A. "About the Author and the Illustrator"
10B. Miranda Leek's character bio for Shadowtrack (Provided by SSNeoman)
10C. Picture of an adorable dog to cleanse your mind after seeing the drawing of Shadowtrack (Provided by Dreggon)

11. Review of Chapter 11

12. Guest review of Chapter 12 (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
12A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner's crotch (Provided by Geokinesis)
12B. Fanart of Clare riding on Railrunner (Drawn by Rahonavis)
12C. Fanart of Detective Black attacking Railrunner with a machete (Drawn by Iced Cocoa's friend Coydog)
12D. Fanart of Detective Black (Drawn by SSNeoman)
12E. Another picture of an adorable dog to cleanse your mind after seeing the drawing of Railrunner's crotch (Provided by Dreggon)
12F. Dramatic reading of Chapter 12 (Performed by Mercedes)
12G. Various pictures from Miranda Leek's Deviantart account (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

13. Review of Chapter 13
13A. Miranda Leek's picture and bio of Firetrack (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

14. Review of Chapter 14

15. Review of Chapter 15

16. Review of Chapter 16

17. Review of Chapter 17
17A. Fanfiction of Detective Black and Captain Vicks (Written by SSNeoman)
17B. Analysis of the physics of Railrunner's blood-bending (Written by horriblePencilist)
17C. Analysis of the physics of Railrunner's running speed (Written by horriblePencilist)
17D. Miranda Leek's picture of Railrunner's behind (Provided by attackbunny)
17E. Analysis of the physics of Railrunner's ability to fall from a ceiling and land like a cat (Written by horriblePencilist)
17F. Miranda Leek's essay on hunting in were-roller-coaster society (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
17G. Analysis of the physics of were-roller-coaster hunting (Written by horriblePencilist)

18. Review of Chapter 18
18A. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by horriblePencilist)
18B. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Mercedes)
18C. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

18.5 Interlude between Chapter 18 and Chapter 19

19. Review of Chapter 19
19A. Analysis of the physics of were-roller-coaster flotation (Written by horriblePencilist)
19B. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
19C. Analysis of the physics of were-roller-coaster flotation, continued (Written by horriblePencilist)
19D. Railrunner Power Bingo (Contributed by horriblePencilist)
19E. Miranda Leek's drawing of were-roller-coaster anatomy (Provided by horriblePencilist)

20. Review of Chapter 20
20A. Fanart of Moonhoof (Drawn by Rahonavis)
20B. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner in a trench-coat (Provided by horriblePencilist)
20C. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
20D. Miranda Leek's drawings of pregnant roller-coasters and Drawing of adorable dog to cleanse your mind (Provided by Dreggon)
20E. Miranda Leek's drawing of pregnant roller-coaster and roller-coaster-fetus (Provided by SSNeoman)
20F. Fanfiction of thugs who accosted Clare and were later brutally murdered by Railrunner (Written by Jeek)
20G. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

21. Review of Chapter 21
21A. Fanfiction of the SWAT captain who was brutally murdered by Railrunner (Written by Mercedes)
21B. Fanfiction of the mouse who was brutally murdered by Railrunner (Written by Oblivion4568238)
21C. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
21D. Drawings by other, better artists in Miranda Leek's Deviantart group "Bizarre Anthros" (Provided by SSNeoman)

22. Review of Chapter 22
22A. Analysis of red roller-coaster lifespans (Computed by Iced Cocoa)
22B. Miranda Leek's coloured drawings of Railrunner in jail and Freakshow (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
22C. Someone's Deviantart drawing of an anthropomorphic Kalashnikov (Provided by Abundant Atrophy)

23. Review of Chapter 23
23A. Fanfiction of Railrunner and Roy Orbison (Written by alcharagia)

24. Review of Chapter 24

25. Review of Chapter 25
25A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner and his Sword of McGuffin (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
25B. Fanfiction of FBI agents carrying out surveilance on Clare's house (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
25C. Chart showing the number of "sigh" in each chapter of the book (Done by Iced Cocoa)

26. Review of Chapter 26
26A. Fanfiction of the the policemen who were being chased by Railrunner on the road (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
26B. Miranda Leek's drawing of Moonblood (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
26C. Miranda Leek's drawing of a smug roller-coaster in a bathrobe (Provided by Geokinesis)
26D. Miranda Leek's drawing of a "sexy" lady roller-coaster in a bikini and fishnet stockings (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
26E. Drawing of original character "Jolly" Jacktrack (Drawn by SSNeoman)

27. Review of Chapter 27
27A. Miranda Leek's drawing and character bio of Prototype the cyborg roller-coaster (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
27B. Miranda Leek's drawing and character bio of Darkrail (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
27C. Smilie of smug roller-coaster (Drawn by horriblePencilist)
27D. Revised smilie of smug roller-coaster (Drawn by horriblePencilist)
27E. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

27.5. Interlude between Chapter 27 and Chapter 28

28. Review of Chapter 28

29. Review of Chapter 29
29A. Miranda Leek's drawings of Merrylegs and Railrunner (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
29B. Smilie of sighing roller-coaster (Drawn by Rahonavis)
29C. Miranda Leek's drawings of cheetah-coaster and police-cruiser-coaster (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
29D. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

30. Review of Chapter 30
30A. Miranda Leek's drawing and character bio of Freakshow (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
30B. Fan-fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by horriblePencilist)

31. Review of Chapter 31

31.5. Interlude between Chapter 31 and Chapter 32
31.5A. Fanart of Ironwheel sitting on his throne (Drawn by Iced Cocoa)
31.5B. Fanart of "plane walking like a prehistoric creature (Drawn by Rahonavis)
31.5C. Fanart of Miranda Leek at her computer (Drawn by Iced Cocoa's friend Coydog)
31.5D. Fanart of Railrunner asking for a coaster (Drawn by the SA goon known as "my dad")
31.5E. Miranda Leek's drawing of a roller coast sleeping in a dog basket (Provided by attackbunny)
31.5F. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
31.5G. Fanart of Miranda Leek at her computer (Drawn by Iced Cocoa's friend Coydog)
31.5G. Political cartoon of Miranda Leek and Twisted (Drawn by attackbunny)
31.5H. Fanart of Railrunner and a random thug (Drawn by horriblePencilist)
31.5I. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner (Provided by horriblePencilist)
31.5J. Miranda Leek's drawings of Railrunner (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

32. Review of Chapter 32
32A. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

33. Review of Chapter 33
33A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner the "Scream Machine" (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

34. Review of Chapter 34

35. Review of Chapter 35

36. Review of Chapter 36
36A. Analysis of the size of Huntersburg / berg / ville (Contributed by Iced Cocoa)
36B. Fanfic of Spider-Ride-Gladiator (Written by Phummus)
36C. Fanart of Railrunner wearing his trenchcoat (Drawn by Voltin Bolt)

37. Review of Chapter 37

38. Review of Chapter 38
38A. Drawing of book cover for Bobbin Threadbare's Detective Black fanfiction (Drawn by Antlerhill)
38B. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
38C. Drawing of book cover for Bobbin Threadbare's Detective Black fanfiction (Drawn by Jeek)

39. Review of Chapter 39

40. Review of Chapter 40 - Part One
40A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner and Merrylegs in the forest (Contributed by Iced Cocoa)
40B. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
40C. Review of Chapter 40 - Part Two

40.5 Interlude between Chapter 40 and Chapter 41
40.5A Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

41. Review of Chapter 41

42. Review of Chapter 42
42A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner on a hospital bed (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
42B. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner and Thunderbark (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

43. Review of Chapter 43
43A. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

44. Review of Chapter 44

45. Review of Chapter 45
45A. Miranda Leek's drawings of Merrylegs (Contributed by Iced Cocoa)

46. Review of Chapter 46 - Part One
46A. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
46B. Review of Chapter 46 - Part Two
46C. Review of Chapter 46 - Part Three
46D. Miranda Leek's drawings of roller-coasters before, during and after child-birth (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

47. Review of Chapter 47 - Part One
47A. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
47B. Review of Chapter 47 - Part Two
47C. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner growling and salivating (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

48. Review of Chapter 48
48A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner in a bathrobe, drinking wine (Provided by attackbunny)

49. Review of Chapter 49

49.5 Interlude betwen Chapter 49 and Chapter 50

50. Review of Chapter 50
50A. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner in a suit (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
50B. More of Miranda Leek's drawings of Railrunner in various poses (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

51. Review of Chapter 51
51A. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

52. Review of Chapter 52 - Part One
52A. Review of Chapter 52 - Part Two

53. Review of Chapter 53 - Part One
53A. Review of Chapter 53 - Part Two

54. Review of Chapter 54

55. Review of Chapter 55
55A. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)

56. Review of Chapter 56
56A. Dramatic reading of Chapters 1 to 4 (Performed by alcharagia)

57. Review of Chapter 57
57A. Dramatic reading of Chapters 5 to 10 (Performed by alcharagia)
57B. Fanfiction of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
57C. Scan of cover, spine and back-cover of Twissted (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
57D. Miranda Leek's drawings of Railrunner and Thunderbark (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
57E. Dramatic reading of Chapter 11 (Performed by alcharagia)

58. Review of Chapter 58 - Part One
58A. Review of Chapter 58 - Part Two
58B. Synopsis of Vertigo (Miranda Leek's sequel to Twisted) - Part One (Written by Iced Cocoa)
58C. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner and Shadowtrack making out (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
58D. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner and Shadowtrack making out (Provided by Geokinesis)
58E. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner snarling (Provided by Iced Cocoa)

59. Review of Chapter 59 - Part One
59A. Review of Chapter 59 - Part Two
59B. Review of Chapter 59 - Part Three
59C. Review of Chapter 59 - Part Four
59D. How Twisted should have ended (Written by pathetic little tramp)
59E. Synopsis of Vertigo - Part Two (Written by Iced Cocoa)

60. Review of Chapter 60 - Part One
60A. Miranda Leek's later pictures of roller-coasters (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
60B. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner in a leather jacket (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
60C. Dramatic reading of Chapter 12 (Performed by alcharagia)
60D. Review of Chapter 60 - Part Two
60E. Review of Chapter 60 - Part Three

60.5 Interlude between Chapter 60 and Chapter 61
60.5A Fanfic of Captain Vick (Written by SSNeoman)

61. Review of Chapter 61 - Part One
61A. Review of Chapter 61 - Part Two
61B. Review of Chapter 61 - Part Three
61C. Miranda Leek's pictures for Chapter 61 (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
61D. Synopsis of Vertigo - Part Three (Written by Iced Cocoa)
61E. Review of Chapter 61 - Part Four

62. Review of Chapter 62 - Part One
62A. Review of Chapter 62 - Part Two
62B. Review of Chapter 62 - Part Three
62C. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Focacciasaurus_Rex)

63. Review of Chapter 63 - Part One
63A. Fanfic of Detective Black (Written by Bobbin Threadbare)
63B. Review of Chapter 63 - Part Two
63C. Review of Chapter 63 - Part Three
63D. Fanfic of Freakshow (Written by Focacciasaurus_Rex)

64. Review of Chapter 64 - Part One
64A. Review of Chapter 64 - Part Two
64B. Review of Chapter 64 - Part Three
64C. Review of Chapter 64 - Part Four
64D. Fanfic of Clare / Shadowtrack - Part One (Written by Djeser)
64E. Fanfic of Clare / Shadowtrack - Part Two (Written by Djeser)

65. Review of Chapter 65 - Part One
65A. Review of Chapter 65 - Part Two
65B. Miranda Leek's drawing of Railrunner eating a cow (Provided by attackbunny)
65C. Review of Chapter 65 - Part Three
65D. Review of Chapter 65 - Part Four
65E. Review of Chapter 65 - Part Five
65F. Review of Chapter 65 - Part Six

66. Review of Chapter 66 - Part One
66A. Review of Chapter 66 - Part Two
66B. Fanfic of Steven Seagal and Moonhoof (Written by pathetic little tramp)
66C. Fanfic of Clare / Shadowtrack - Part Three (Written by Djeser)
66D. Fanfic of the mouse that Railrunner tortured to death (Written by Oblivion4568238)
66E. Compilation of all the sighs in the book
66F. Miranda Leek's drawing of Moonhoof (Provided by Iced Cocoa)
66G. Fanfic of Cladowtrack - Part Four (Written by Djeser)
66H. Fanfic of the mouse that Railrunner tortured to death (Written by Oblivion4568238)

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2013 around 03:00

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Blurb posted:


WHAT HAPPENS TO AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES ONCE THEY ARE PUT INTO STORAGE OR DESTROYED?

They are magically transported to a place only known as “Amusement Park Between”, a park that co-exist [sic] within any other and is only accessible b those who are of its blood. There are no limits and no humans. The only residents are the rides. However, they are much different from our own. Amusement Park Between’s Rides are ALIVE, having both the characteristics of man and beast.

Amusement Park Between was once merry and joyous, but for the past several years it has spiraled into turmoil. An evil tyrant known as Ironwheel has taken control, casting a dark shadow over Amusement Park Between, and whose evil intensions [sic] endanger both their world and our own. The rides [sic] is the key to their prophecy; the red will defeat the black. That particular key is the only ride that was created differently. The red roller coaster, Railrunner.

AND THIS IS HIS STORY.



Acknowledgments posted:


For my Mom, Dad and my little sister Stitch, for always keeping the ride entertaining.

And for the roller coasters giving me the inspiration.



quote:


TWISTED
1: to turn so as to face in another direction.
2. To alter the normal aspect of; contort.



Prologue posted:


Behind Iron Bars

Pacing, back and forth from, corner to corner over and over again. As a caged bird waiting to be released. His mind was furious as his wheels made their click clack sound across the iron floor. His fire like eyes [JWKS: Note - not “fire-like eyes”, but “fire like eyes”] burned in rage. Thoughts flooded through him.

“Why! Why me!” The words screamed inside his head.

His restraints started to vibrate in anger as he sliced one of his dagger-like claws into the concrete wall. He pulled back his lips and snarled in frustration as he inscribed hateful words. He shook his head from side to side abruptly trying to overcome the continuing thoughts, ones that sickened him; bringing him closer to the breaking point.

“If I had never met that old man, if I never tried to work for that park! If I never would have –“

He banged his head against the bars and roared in pure rage. He tried not to think, but his will to not do so failed.

“Trapped in this prison! Because of my curse! Where I am from! BECAUSE OF WHAT I AM!!!”

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Review of Chapter 1 will be put up tomorrow.

my dad
Oct 17, 2012

this shall be humorous


You crazy bastard, I can't believe you're actually doing this.

Dreggon
Aug 24, 2011
I want my baby back baby back baby back

Perhaps it is not an actual prison but the bars behind which a bumper car sits, in which case... he really doesn't have cause to complain.

quote:

He tried not to think, but his will to not do so failed.

Just... don't think?

Decoy Badger
May 16, 2009


Fully illustrated? Can't wait. You have a serious penchant for self-harm, JWKS.

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Chapter One - New Job

quote:


“This is just great!” I said as I slapped a handful of bills onto the table. All those unwanted slips of paper kept piling up, bills from the electric, water, and who knew what else. Everything seemed to be spiraling into a bottomless pit as the miserable minutes ticked by, forcing me to lose myself in my sea of misery that looked like it would never dry out.

All had shifted right after I got fired from my engineering job at the city’s local cake factory. I remembered the moment well, my boss calling me to his office for some reason unknown only to tell me those four words: Rodney Philips you’re fired! It turned out that I never did wrong; the factory had gone bankrupt making everyone lose their jobs. Now every ex employee [sic] was looking hopelessly for work, I included.

I sat at my kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and munching on a donut. As I took a sip I scanned the newspaper in front of me looking for a new job like I had done for the past five weeks. Every listing was either lousy pay or simply not what I had I mind. I knew I wanted something that I could relate to very well. A job that I would be comfortable doing for a very long time.


In the first chapter, we are introduced to the protagonist Rodney Philips, from whose non-omniscient first-person perspective the story is told. Devoid of race, class, religious or political affiliation, Rodney is the quintessential every-person, the itabula rasa upon whom each reader may project him- or her-self.

Who among us (save the privileged 1%) has not feared destitution? Who has not been struck low by the slings and arrows of fickle fortune, thrown on the streets with only the shirt on your back through no fault of your own? Thus has the author skillfully, within the first three chapters, invited you to empathize with, nay, to be Rodney Philips.


quote:


As I took another sip of coffee, letting the hot elixir slither down my throat, my eyes caught sight of an ad that I had never seen before. It was an ad that was rarely seen by the public eye. I looked at it carefully scanning each and every printed word.

MYSTIC PARK
WANTED!
ROLLER COASTER ENGINEER
CALL 789-6450
ASK FOR WOODY

Roller coasters, I knew so much about them. I had never actually seen one in person, but I knew more than most who were “coaster junkies”. I acquired all the information that I knew from books, television, and the internet. The strange thing was that I seemed to always have an odd attraction to them, and I couldn’t explain why. Deep in my mind however, I knew that this could be my big break.


From here onwards the author begins weaving mystery upon puzzle to draw the reader deeper into her intriguing world. What, for example, is an “ad that was rarely seen by the public eye?” Does she mean that there are few open positions for roller coaster engineers? Or is she referring to an inner cabal of Masons that control the flow advertisements for this profession?

And why has a person with “an odd attraction” to roller coasters never had the opportunity or the ability to see a roller coaster in person? Is this a hint that the story is set in a post-apocalyptic dystopia where most roller coasters have been destroyed?


quote:


I got up out of my seat and grabbed my phone from the counter. I then started to press the keys requested by the ad. I double checked to make sure they were right before pressing send, there was no turning back now. The phone rang and rang. I almost hung up when finally someone answered.


Here we have more concrete evidence that “Twisted” is set in an alternate reality – for telephone calls in Rodney’s world operate like emails in our world, where the recipient will receive your transmission even if the sender “hangs up” on his end, so that there is “no turning back” once you “press send”.


quote:


“Hello this is Woody, how may I help you?” A man with a deep scruffy voice spoke. It sounded as if he was out of breath, almost like he had been running.

“Yes, my name is Rodney and I…”

“Would like to try out for the position of coaster engineer, am I right?” he replied interrupting me. It was almost as if he could read my mind.

“Yes sir,” I simply said into the receiver, afraid that he was to cut in again.

“Ever worked on roller coasters before sir?” he said, his words quick and sharp. The man was either in a hurry or he was used to random citizens doing the exact thing I was doing. I decided to lie like a trained actor trying out for a specific part in a big-time movie.


First there was “Does a bear poo poo in the woods?” Then there was “Is the Pope Catholic?” And now, in the lexicon of rhetorical questions, we have Miranda Leek’s “Does a trained actor lie when she tries out for a specific part in a big-time movie?”


quote:


“Yes.” I said holding my breath.

“Then be at Mystic Park around four this afternoon. I will then test you on how capable you are at doing your job. See you then Rodney.” He said and then hung up.

At first I didn’t know what to think, but then I realized that I had a chance. I would go through with it I wondered as I looked back at the clock. I had a few hours to prepare. I couldn’t be late; I was already in a deep hole with little chance of escaping. I couldn’t fall any deeper.


For someone who’s never ever seen a roller coaster, Rodney seems pretty confident about his chances of securing the position of “roller coaster engineer”. Then the reader recalls that Rodney had recently been working in an “engineering job at the city’s local cake factory”, and quietly marvels at the author’s subtle piece of character-building.


quote:


When the time came, I grabbed my keys from the hook on the kitchen wall and entered the garage. I pressed the red button on the panel in the dusty corner to open up the door. As soon as the task was done, I climbed into my Mustang and started the engine. I immediately switched the radio on and turned it to my favourite station, blasting the song that was currently playing. I then put on my pair of sunglasses, completing my annual routine as I shifted into gear and drove off.


More signs that Rodney’s world is still recovering from the effects of some unknown disaster – fuel is so scarce that Rodney can only afford to drive his car once a year.


quote:


I sat calmly in my seat listening to music as I steered the sports car along the wooded roads of Huntersberg, a quiet town in which nothing had ever happened. Huntersberg got its name from the lush woods that surrounded it; the forest was a gold mine for those who desired big game. However, Huntersberg finally got onto the map when Mystic Park was built, making the undetectable city not only for hunters but also thrill seekers as well. I tried to make my way to the summer escape before, but I was robbed of that because of the countless hours I spent at the factory, time that was wasted in the end,. Now I was to finally go to Huntersburg’s playground; because I had an invitation and a reason to be there.


No wonder roller coaster engineer ads are “rarely seen by the public eye” in Rodney’s world – prior to the apocalypse, such ads must attracted swarms of applications and been rapidly filled, for such is the power and clout of roller coaster park owners that entire towns get renamed when the former build their parks near the latter.


quote:


The song that played faded into an untraceable silence as it ended. I reached down to swap stations for I hated listening to commercials that were useless. I continued to fiddle with the dial, turning it this way and that trying to catch a good tune that was worth it. I came across a rock song that I had not heard since I could remember. I settled on it and then turned my attention back to the road. Suddenly a large buck darted blindly out of the thicket of trees. It was frightened beyond reason; I slammed on the brakes as it traveled inches from the Mustang’s hood. The sports car then screeched to a halt, the screaming tires echoing through the woods. The deer then sliced past and vanished into the forest again.

I blinked my eyes briefly trying to comprehend what had happened. Deer were never known to come out of hiding at broad daylight. During the many times I hunted with acquaintances, I had never seen a creature that spooked. I looked to where it had emerged to see a rustle of bushes before sighing in relief. Hopefully nothing else bizarre would happen, but then again one could never predict the future.

A few minutes later I pulled up to the park. The grounds were littered with rides and stands, brightening the area with an array of colors. I looked down for a split second as I took the key from the ignition and then put my attention back to rides that sat waiting for their riders. It was then that my eyes caught sight of the granddaddy of them all, the king of the rides, the infamous roller coaster. The scream machine’s rails towered over all that stood. As I was looking at the steel coaster in awe, a cold shiver went down my spine and my hair stood up on the back of my neck. A strange stinging sensation ran through my body. Startled, I climbed out of the car.

“Probably nothing, perhaps an adrenaline rush,” I said to myself after a brief moment of thinking why that had happened. I quickly put it behind me as I walked through the great iron gates, walking into an opportunity of a lifetime.


A touch of ominous foreshadowing of the troubles to come – the proverbial calm before the storm.


quote:


My eyes scanned the grounds; it was very prominent that Mystic Park was on its off season; there was no one around except for a few park employees. As I walked my muscles tightened up, feeling a little stronger than they were. Out of the corner of my eye I saw two park employees who couldn’t take theirs off me. They looked like they were in their middle thirties. The girl had long silky red hair with a beautiful skinny figure. The boy had brown hair and looked somewhat like a daring teenager. Even as I walked away they couldn’t help but to [sic] exchange whispers.


Here we get a clue as to Rodney’s age – if people in their middle thirties are “boys” and “girls” to him, then Rodney himself is likely to be in his sixties at the least.


quote:


Then an old man with long white hair pulled into a low ponytail and a small unkempt beard and mustache advanced toward my position. The sun’s rays seemed to make his unnatural white hair glow as he adjusted the collar of his cream shirt covered in an almost renaissance looking vest. He began to smile slightly as he casually stuck one hand into his pocket of his brown trousers. He then held out his smooth hand as a gesture for me to shake it, and I accepted his greeting.

“I’m Woody and you must be Rodney am I right?” he said in his low voice.

“Yep, the one and only,” I replied still examining him. To me it was certain that Woody didn’t look like your ordinary old middle-aged man. In fact, his body possessed the build of a thirty year old. Every aspect about him was – perfect. Suddenly he leaned closer, putting me on high alert as I knew he was probably about to speak of something very important.

“You are a one and only indeed.” He said in a low but serious tone, with both of our eyes bearing into each other’s. Finally, I simply nodded as he motioned for me to come into the main office, but only one thing, a simple fact, struck my mind that stood above everything else. His eyes, I thought, they looked almost – unhuman.


Not only has the as-yet unknown apocalyptic event resulted in resource scarcity, it has also disrupted the human gene structure such that hair no longer whitens as one ages and the typical lifespan has so lengthened that an additional age category of “old middle-aged” is required. Also, luxurious facial hair is favoured, for someone with “unkempt beard and mustache” is perfect even in that respect. Such economy of language, to convey so much information in so few words.

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at Mar 6, 2013 around 16:26

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

THIS IS HOW I THUNDERDOME


I can't wait to see your ultimate spiral into madness!

EagerSleeper
Feb 3, 2010

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


Mercedes posted:

I can't wait to see your ultimate spiral into madness!

It might wind up becoming a loop the loop into madness.

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Chapter Two – Among the Rails

quote:

Woody led me down the hall to an office. Inside, were three other men sitting on chairs. The coaster engineer motioned for me to join them. There’s something weird about him, something beyond explanation, I thought. Then Woody left the room and began to talk to someone down the hallway. Hesitating, I turned to the man sitting next to me.

“Did you notice anything weird about him?” I hastily asked.

“No not really,” He replied.

“Did you look at his eyes?”

“What about them?”

“They look like a – cat’s!”

He stared at me like I was crazy then he scooted towards the other edge of his chair, away from me. Was I the only one that could see what his eyes looked like? Get it together! Now is not the time to get scatterbrained!

In this brief but revealing scene, the author adroitly reveals more about both Rodney and Woody. It is evident that Woody suffers from Schmid-Fraccaro syndrome, colloquially known as “Cat’s Eye Syndrome”, but being “perfect” (as earlier described by Rodney) has fortunately avoided all the physical ailments that typically accompany this disorder other than iris coloboma. Rodney, on the other hand, possesses a superstitious nature, attributing undue mystic significance to an ordinary (if rare) physical condition.


quote:

Woody suddenly walked into the room. He looked briefly at me; His creature eyes flashed me a sense of uncertainty. Could he have possibly heard what I had said? Then he turned and pulled up a chair in front of us, his ice blue eyes looking at everyone in anticipation.

“Gentlemen,” he started, “today I am going to do a simple but effective test on you. It will be very difficult to the inexperienced coaster engineer. It’s the only thing I’m going to judge you on, so if you can’t do it you’re done. If you show a struggle you’re done. I’ll test you one at a time. For most of you, roller coaster walking will be a living hell, but for one of you – it will not.” He finished looking at me, letting a sly grin come to my view.

Twisted was published in 2010, which means that Miranda Leek had predicted the creation and opening of the Tiger and Turtle Magic Mountain by at least a year.


quote:

He then guided one of the men out of the room. The few remaining sat quietly talking to each other. Suddenly a small rippling pain shot across my back. Then it went through my arms and legs. I bit my lip and let out a soft hiss of pain.

“You all right?” a man asked, bringing myself to the attention of the others.

“I’m fine,” I muttered as I saw all the men’s eyes on me. One of them even turned to the hopeful next to him only to whisper a suspicion about “being crippled”.

“After this is done, I’m seeing a doctor.” I said under my breath. Hours went by. One by one the men left, none of them got the job. That doesn’t mean it’s automatically mine, he could still interview someone else, I pondered. Then Woody came through the door.

“Your turn.” He said waving me out.

I nodded and warily followed him from the building and back into the park. My body started to act strange again, my heart started to beat faster. As we got closer to the coaster, it began to hammer in my chest. It went from its rhythmic thump to a completely absurd machine gun like metronome. My health was starting to really worry me.

While Woody has to contend with Schmid-Fraccaro syndrome, Rodney clearly suffers from cardiac dysrhythmia. The author is clearly setting the story up to be a medical drama.

quote:

We began our decent[sic] up the stairs of the steel coaster’s station. My muscles seemed as if they were bulging out of my legs as if they were to burst through my skin at any moment. Something was definitely wrong. However, despite my suffering, I have to go on; I had to have this job! Then we finally reached the heart of the station, the area that actually housed the roller coaster itself, a beast’s lair. Without warning, a larger jolt of pain ran down my back, feeling like an aftershock from a baseball bat hitting me in the spine. I quickly stood up and clutched my back, my nails digging into my shirt as I grinded my teeth in agony, my other hand grasping the queue rail in a stronghold [sic].

Here we see that the author is politically affiliated with the Green Party movement – for she has painted a world in which severe resource scarcity (such as that which may be brought about by drastic taxes on fossil fuels) has led to momentous technological developments like gravitational control, allowing even the inhabitants of a humble theme park to go up while going down at the same time.


quote:

“What’s wrong?” Woody asked, turning around swiftly.

“I don’t know, this all started, this will sound really weird and ludicrous, as soon as I saw your steel coaster.” I said as I forced out the words.

Woody looked at me showing no expression on his face. He raised a thick eyebrow and looked around briefly for any signs that someone could be listening.

“Walk with me Rodney; I’ll explain to you what’s going on.” He said heading out onto the track. As quickly as it came, the pain receded. I had no choice but to follow him. As we begun our decent [sic] up the lift hill, laying a foot only on the stairs that lined the track, my skin tingled and my muscles pumped. Climbing the rails was turning out to be easy. I was even running among them soon I caught up with Woody. I actually felt… powerful.

“Let me ask you a few questions Rodney, Do you feel different walking among the rails?” Woody began as he stared straight ahead with his hands in his pockets, not looking at me once.

“Yeah, I feel power.” I admitted.

“Invincible?”

“Yes, if you put it that way.”

“Let me ask you this, do you feel the urge to protect? The urge to fight?” He continued.

He was right. I did feel the urges to do things. Some heroic, some crazy, and some daring. What was going on with me? Was I being overrun by a force unknown?

“I do.” I answered at last.

“Rodney, you are the only person that I would consider for this job out of anybody.”

“Why? I haven’t even completed my test yet,” I replied befuddled as we broke out in a run down the stairs of the lift hill. How was I able to do this!


“Rodney you will soon learn that you and I have much more in common than you think.” He said as we entered in a tunnel in the most secluded part of the circuit.

“Woody, would you please tell me what’s going on?” I said as we stopped.

It’s not surprising that Rodney is feeling better, given that the treatment of cardiac dysrhythmia include physical movement (such as that carried out while walking up and down – at the same time – on a roller coaster track) and electrical currents (such as that which may be transmitted via a roller coaster track). The author has evidently done her research into the subject matter of her book.

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at Mar 4, 2013 around 03:54

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

THIS IS HOW I THUNDERDOME


Isaak looks up from his drink with a smile and says, “You're right. I'm only here because of you. I might as well allow you goons to lavish me with money as I keep your asses out of jail.”

Jameson laughs heartily lifting his drink to you. “Here's to the future.”

Isaak lightly taps Jameson's beer glass with his own. “To the future.”




Isaak's suit pocket vibrates. He holds a finger up to excuse himself from the table so he can take the call. The young, blonde companion in response pulls out a pocket mirror and reapplies her make-up. Once outside the restaurant, he presses the phone against his ear and answers, “This is Isaak.”

The voice on the other end of the phone call causes the wrinkles around Isaak's eyes to crease in vexation. He squints and with his free hand rubs his forehead to soothe the building headache.

“I'm on my way.” He finally says, ending the call and stuffing the phone into his suit. Isaak heads back into the restaurant and up to his driver. “Get the car for me please? I need to make an appearance.” He says. “Afterwards, you can drop the girl off at her place or your place, I don't give a poo poo.” Isaak smiles, wearing the mask to hide his true emotions.

The driver chuckles. “Of course sir.” He says as he leaves out the front.

One of Isaak's bodyguards hands him his coat and scarf, which he puts it on. Isaak then walks to his table and addresses the young woman. “I must be off. I do thank you for your company.” He nods to one of his men and the bodyguard escorts her out.



As Isaak walks through the police station, he feels the angry eyes of countless police officers burning holes into the back of his head. It made him feel powerful. He effectively made the police's job twice as hard if they ever had any hope of charges sticking. Isaak made his way into interrogation and immediately made his presence known. “Hello Detectives. That will be enough thank you.”

Isaak looks at Jameson and notices he has a mist of blood on his neck and cheek. “Hey there Sharky.” Jameson says.

“Be quiet. Not another word until I get you alone with me.” Isaak says tersely. His anger is bubbling up inside, but nothing shows on his face.

One of the detectives leans back in his chair and snarks. “I wouldn't even bother councilor. This is open and shut.”

“Did I not make myself clear Detective?”

The detective holds his hands up defensively. “Alright, alright. We'll be outside.”

When the detectives leave the room Isaak turns on Jameson, his fury barely contained. “What the gently caress did you do this time Jameson?”

“Relax Shark, no body, no crime.”

“No body no-” Isaak puffs through his nostrils in agitation. “Jameson, I need to know everything you know, so that I'm fully prepared just in case you hosed up and poo poo hits the fan.”

“Brother I'm telling you not to worry. I've been in this game for like thirty years. I know how to cover my poo poo up. Everything is already taken care of.”

Isaak glares at Jameson, thinking of what to do next.

Force Jameson to tell Isaak what he knows.

Trust Jameson has everything under control.

Mercedes fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2013 around 01:18

EagerSleeper
Feb 3, 2010

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


From what I read from the free sample available on Amazon, this story can only get better.

As a reminder of what we can expect, we have been introduced to an old man with blue cat eyes, and this doesn't freak the main character out that much. Maybe it's also because the main character is too busy experiencing his roids kicking in while in a carnival.

Yo, JosephWongKS, if you need help transcribing pages from the book, I'd be happy to do so. This story is a joy that I think needs everyone has to be able to see.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.



Now, now, if the two were going up while going down, that would be a descent. By being a decent, or "respectable," up the rails, Woody is clearly just giving our protagonist here a suitable day's workout.

evil_cheese
Sep 11, 2002
I AM A LIAR

Why does he keep mentioning that is a steel coaster? I don't think you could make a coaster out of say brass or iron these days. Breathlessly awaiting more of this fantastic book. The ups and downs are very frightening!

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

evil_cheese posted:

Why does he keep mentioning that is a steel coaster? I don't think you could make a coaster out of say brass or iron these days. Breathlessly awaiting more of this fantastic book. The ups and downs are very frightening!

"Steel coaster" as opposed to "wooden coaster", apparently.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steel_roller_coaster posted:


A steel roller coaster is a roller coaster that is defined by having a track made of steel. Steel coasters have earned immense popularity in the past 50 years throughout the world. Incorporating tubular steel track and polyurethane-coated wheels, the steel roller coasters can provide a taller, smoother, and faster ride with more inversions than a traditional wooden roller coaster.

Arrow Dynamics first introduced the steel roller coaster to feature tubular track to the thrill industry with their creations of the Matterhorn Bobsleds (Disneyland) in 1959 and the Runaway Mine Train (Six Flags Over Texas) in 1966.

As of 2006, the oldest operating steel roller coaster in North America is Little Dipper at Memphis Kiddie Park in Brooklyn, Ohio and has been operating since April 1952. The oldest operating steel rollercoaster in the world is rodelbaan at de Waarbeek (Netherlands). It has been operating since 1930.

Characteristics

Steel coasters have a generally smoother ride than their wooden counterparts, although it is sometimes argued that wooden roller coasters provide a bigger feeling of "threat" due to their rougher ride and can be more intense than steel roller coasters.

Almost all world records for tallest, fastest, and longest coasters are currently held by steel roller coasters.[citation needed]

The fact that fewer supports are needed means steel roller coasters have made a large variety of features possible, such as Loops, Barrel Rolls, Corkscrews, Zero-G Rolls and Beyond 90° Drops

There are different types of steel coasters, such as flying, inverted, floorless, and suspended swinging.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wooden_roller_coaster posted:


A wooden roller coaster is most often classified as a roller coaster with running rails made of flattened steel strips mounted on laminated wooden track. Occasionally, the support structure may be made out of a steel lattice or truss, but the ride remains classified as a wooden roller coaster due to the track design. Because of the limits of wood, wooden roller coasters in general do not have inversions (when the coaster goes upside down), steep drops, or extremely banked turns (overbanked turns). However, there are exceptions; the defunct Son of Beast at Kings Island had a 214-foot-high (65 m) drop and originally had a 90-foot-tall (27 m) loop until the end of the 2006 season, although the loop had metal supports. Other special cases are Hades at Mount Olympus Water and Theme Park in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin, featuring a double-track tunnel and a 90-degree banked turn, The Voyage at Holiday World (an example of a wooden roller coaster with a steel structure for supports) featuring three separate 90-degree banked turns, Ravine Flyer II at Waldameer Park which has a 90-degree banked turn, and T Express at Everland in South Korea with a 77-degree drop.

* snip *

Wooden versus steel

Wooden roller coasters provide a very different ride and experience from steel roller coasters. While they are traditionally less capable than a steel coaster when it comes to inversions and elements, wooden coasters instead rely on an often rougher and more "wild" ride, as well as a more psychological approach to inducing fear. Their structures and track, which usually move anywhere from a few inches to a few feet with a passing train, give a sense of unreliability and the "threat" of collapse or disregard for safety. Of course, this assumption is purely mental, and wooden roller coaster supports and track systems are designed to sway with the force. If the track and structure are too rigid, they will break under the strain of the passing train. The swaying of the track reduces the force applied per second (see impulse), like a shock absorber.

Like steel roller coasters, wooden roller coasters usually use the same three-wheel design, pioneered by John Miller. Each set of wheels includes a running wheel (on top of the track), a side friction (or "guide") wheel (to guide motion in the lateral plane and reduce excessive side-to-side movement known as "hunting") and an upstop wheel (beneath the track to prevent cars from flying off the track). Some wooden coasters, such as Leap-The-Dips, do not have upstop wheels and are known as side friction roller coasters. As a result, the turns and drops are more gentle than on modern wooden roller coasters. Scenic Railway roller coasters also lack upstop wheels but rely on a brakeman to control the speed so that upstop wheels are not necessary. A handful of wooden coasters use flanged wheels, similar to a rail car, eliminating the need for side friction wheels.

The debate rages as to which type of coaster is better: wood or steel. This is unlikely to ever be settled, however, because each category distinguishes itself from the other in a number of ways, in addition to also providing a substantially different and unique ride.

i81icu812
Dec 5, 2006


Please tell me there will be dramatic readings.

paragon1
Nov 22, 2010

Who wants a hug?


Joseph, please stop. Your scaring me. You've got so much to live for!

EagerSleeper
Feb 3, 2010

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


I believe Miranda Leek must have wrote some part of those Wikipedia articles detailing the nuances between wooden roller coasters and steel roller coasters, since she enjoys roller coasters more than enough to start assembling technical knowledge of them.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

What's so fun about playing with yourself?

Your avatar fits so well with this, JWKS. I will enjoy this for days to come.

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Chapter Three - Haunting Change, Haunting Secret

quote:

Woody leaned against the tunnel wall and sighed deeply.

“You better listen up because I’m not going to repeat myself.”

“Understood.” I said as I waited to hear what he had to say.

“Rodney we are from a different world, and we are not human.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I replied, realizing that the old engineer had gotten on a whole new level of weird.

“Listen! There is a place that co-exists within an amusement park, It [sic] is known as Amusement Park Between. Where the rides have control, were [sic] the impossible becomes possible, and the explainable becomes unexplainable.” Woody replied disgusted, his ice like eyes suddenly getting darker.

“Is this for real Woody?


“First of all it’s not Woody – its [sic] Thunderbark.” He said as he stood there stone still while he barely breathed. He then dipped his head low, letting his long hair drape over his shoulders. The coaster engineer simply stared down, his eyes growing darker still.

Here we see that although Woody may have avoided any physical ailments from his Schmid-Fraccaro syndrome other than the characteristic “cat’s eyes”, he has been afflicted by the mental retardation that often goes with the syndrome, which has apparently manifested in his “old middle-age” as a form of dissociative disorder that causes him to be under the impression that he is a carnival ride. In this one poignant scene, the author effectively illustrates that even a society that can come up with revolutionary technology like gravitational control is worthless if it does not provide adequate subsidized healthcare to all its members.


quote:

“Okay, if that is your real name then don’t I have some freaky name if I’m from were [sic] you are?” I said letting out a soft laugh.

“Don’t mock our names they are warrior names.” Woody said crudely. “Your real name Rodney is Railrunner.”

“This is very dumb and confusing.” I replied sarcastically in defiance.

“I guess when you are in your human form for so long, you forget nearly everything.” Woody said under his breath.

The awkward conversation was starting to grow amusing. It was actually really funny. I decided to play along.

“If we both are from a different world, then why are we here?” I said trying to hide a cunning smile.

Befitting the sheltered nature of Rodney – a man with a self-proclaimed “odd attraction” to roller coasters, yet who has never went to a theme park prior to the events of this book, so one can imagine how infrequently he must have socialized or visited other public places – he lacks understanding and empathy for persons with mental disorders, and reacts offensively to any perceived eccentricity. Thus does the author put the reader, who has been invited to identify with this Everyman-protagonist, in the uncomfortable position of reflecting on the reader’s own casual cruelty towards the unfortunates of society.


quote:

“It’s a long story Railrunner, but I’ll try to make it as short as possible. There is a prophesy in our word [sic] were [sic] the red will defeat the black. An evil tyrant named Ironwheel is currently ruling our world. He kills for his own amusement; he has armies that take control of our kind. Once you came along our world was given new hope. Soon however, Ironwheel learned of your existence and sent his armies to kill you to prevent the prophesy from becoming true. My allies and I decided you would be safe in the real world.”

“Who are your allies?” I said trying to hide a snicker.

“They are Merrylegs and Static. You may have noticed them when you came in.”

“You mean the redhead and the boy?”

“Yes that is them in their human form. Merrylegs is carousel horse and Static is a bumper car.”

“So am I some sort of ride?” I replied as I crossed my arms.

“Yes. Railrunner, we need to activate your ride form.”

“How?” I said as I tried not to burst out laughing.

“We must introduce you to your environment.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Come closer and I’ll tell you.” He smiled covertly.

I advanced forward towards Woody. I stumbled on the walkway edge, and fell onto the track. Pain ran through my body. It soared down my spine and my anatomy completely. My body was as hot as fire then as cold as ice. My veins rippled beneath my skin. My muscles bulged as my fingers singed. The pain suddenly stopped. I lay on the rails out of breath; I looked up to see him grinning.

Here the author again demonstrates that she has done her research, for burns (“hot as fire”), ventricular fibrillation (“veins rippled” due to cardiac arrhythmia) and loss of neurological control (“muscles bulged”) are indeed the symptoms of an electric shock, such as that which might be received from falling onto an unshielded railway track. Given the evidence of Miranda Leek’s left-wing political stance so far, this incident clearly represents the all-encompassing catastrophe that strikes the laborer class when they fall into the pit of unemployment without the “safety net” of social welfare.


quote:

“Your form has been activated.”

“What…”

“You’ll soon find out. You can meet me if you have any other questions.” He interrupted.

“But…”

“You will answer most of them yourself. By the way you got the job. See you tomorrow morning,
Railrunner.”

And here we are presented with the stark dilemma of the modern post-industrial world – to accept the siren lure of a job at the cost of suffering the iniquities of a ravenous capitalist system which is “mad” with greed, envy and power, or to turn one’s back on such lunacy and risk starving as a result.

Decoy Badger
May 16, 2009


Well, the author did a pretty good job at portraying the intense awkwardness of a middle-aged man revealing his fursona. Not sure if that was intentional. This book is a pretty good candidate for the delusional anime weirdos thread.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.



Hey, kiddies! Here's a game you can play at home: see, one of the classic symptoms of amateur writing is the overuse of adverbs, particularly in dialogue. See if you can count just how many adverbs our dear author uses in each segment (and remember, adverbial participles count, too)!

Dreggon
Aug 24, 2011
I want my baby back baby back baby back



Who published this?

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Dreggon posted:



Who published this?

http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Miranda-Leek/dp/1452006210/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359774262&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+miranda+leek posted:


Product Details

Paperback: 376 pages
Publisher: AuthorHouse (May 26, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1452006210
ISBN-13: 978-1452006215
Product Dimensions: 9 x 0.8 x 6 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review: 2.6 out of 5 stars See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,422,575 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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http://www.authorhouse.com/ posted:


Our AuthorCentricsm Approach

AuthorHouse™ exists to help authors achieve success -- by their definition. We provide a broad array of tools and services to allow authors to make their own choices throughout the publishing process. Authors retain all rights, maintain editorial control and choose the exact selection of services that best suits their goals. Our self publishing company allows every author to control his or her own publishing destiny. Learn more >>


The AuthorCentric Process

At AuthorHouse, we’ve helped more authors self-publish more titles than any other company. So whether you’re writing a romance novel, historical fiction, mystery, action and suspense, poetry, children’s or any other genre, our self publishing company can help you reach your goals. Through our exclusive self publishing process, you maintain creative control of your book. From editing and proofreading to cover design and page layout; from royalties and distribution to marketing and returnability, you choose what you want for your book. Learn more >>


The People of AuthorHouse

Our team of experienced professionals is ready to help you reach your publishing goals. From pre-publication to marketing, we're able to guide you every step of the way. Learn more >>


The AuthorHouse Experience

We have helped thousands of authors fulfill their publishing dreams. A few authors share their stories and expertise in self-publishing. These case studies highlight a few of their experiences working with AuthorHouse and the publishing industry. Learn more >>

John Lee
Mar 2, 2013


Just goes to show you that first impressions aren't always correct; reading AuthorHouse's mission statements, it made me think that it was a grand and noble thing, that at least there are some places where one can publish in an author-friendly environment.

Then I remembered Twisted! got published thanks to this philosophy. To hell with them; burn it all down.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

What's so fun about playing with yourself?

quote:

Authors retain all rights, maintain editorial control and choose the exact selection of services that best suits their goals
So I guess grammar proofreading service become optional and the author didn't bother paying that service for this book.

EagerSleeper
Feb 3, 2010

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.




The picture of our sexy protagonist!

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

EagerSleeper posted:



The picture of our sexy protagonist!

EagerSleeper, could you help me scan a picture of his roller-coaster form and post it after I post the Chapter 4 review? Thanks!

Dreggon
Aug 24, 2011
I want my baby back baby back baby back

Does he get with a lady rollercoaster? If so, how would that even work?

paragon1
Nov 22, 2010

Who wants a hug?


Poorly, and with many spelling and grammar errors.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

THIS IS HOW I THUNDERDOME


i81icu812 posted:

Please tell me there will be dramatic readings.

Did someone say dramatic readings?

EagerSleeper
Feb 3, 2010

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


JosephWongKS posted:

EagerSleeper, could you help me scan a picture of his roller-coaster form and post it after I post the Chapter 4 review? Thanks!

Sure I could get that, since I got those pictures from the available sample on Amazon. Do you have a phone that can take good pictures? I recommend that for the later illustrations. I think adding those to the chapter as we read along is integral to getting the full "Twisted" experience that Miranda Leek had intended.

edit: I found a source of the pictures online for free. I'll PM you the pics.


This is perfect. As I reading this myself, I found I was lacking a key characterization of Woody that I had been missing: That Woody is a crazy old man talking about his amusement parksonas in public. Your woody voice really does a good job at reflecting that.

EagerSleeper fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2013 around 15:52

SSNeoman
Jul 19, 2011

Villain tip: Next time kill
someone I actually like.


quote:

Railrunner, Merrylegs and Static

We are GOING places. Eagerly awaiting the misadventures of Rodney the were-coaster.

evil_cheese
Sep 11, 2002
I AM A LIAR

EagerSleeper posted:



The picture of our sexy protagonist!

that looks like one of the illustrations from one of those child hood horror books that were all the rage in the mid 90s. This story is getting wierder and wierder. I honestly can't imagine why the author thought this was a good idea.

Decoy Badger
May 16, 2009


I'm just stunned at how terrible that drawing is. The author pretty obviously traced over a photo for the face (and not very well, look at the weird eyes and nose) but there's something like 5 different vanishing points in the background. I'm not even going to touch the "Classifieds" tablet. Can't wait to see them depict a complex geometric object in 3d perspective!

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Chapter Four – Railrunner Unleashed

quote:

A few hours since I left the park, I was forcing myself not to believe what Woody had said. It was stupid and illogical

This whole book is “stupid and illogical”.


quote:

, but what in the world happened to me as I fell onto the rails? Was his story true or was the raging pain a freak accident?

“Raging pain” from being electrocuted is hardly a “freak accident”.


quote:

Whatever had occurred made me now realize that my co-worker was completely demented.

Matthew 7:5.


quote:

I was now sitting in the local bar called Snooks with my two friends who used to work at the factory. Buddy and Sly, as they were called, played hearts and betted on money

Isn’t “on money” already the default premise when one is “betting”?


quote:

while I drank a beer trying to forget the bizarre day.

I too wish I could forget this book by drinking.


quote:

“Rodney, when did you get your tattoos and your eyebrows pierced?” Sly said as he layed [sic] a card onto the oak table.

Chapter Four typo count – 1


quote:

I looked at the dragon wrapped around my left arm and the tribal symbol on the other, then felt my piercing.

“It was about two weeks ago.”

Now we have to push Rodney’s mental age all the way back to two, since he apparently has yet to acquire an understanding of object permanence.


quote:

“Hmm, say how many beers have you had since we got here?” He laughed.

“This one is – my seventh.” I finished all wide-eyed.

“That’s crazy! You don’t look or feel tipsy.” Buddy said astonished.

“I’m not really feeling anything. You know they say once you drink that much you pass out.” I said looking at the bottle of beer, still bewildered that I had consumed that many and not felt a thing.

So it was all that alcohol that’s reduced him to mental two-year old.


quote:

“Man, you,” said Sly, waving his finger at me, “Are possessed!”

Maybe I am. No, I’m not going to believe that crap again!

Who the hell leaps to demonic possession as the first explanation for high alcohol tolerance?


quote:

“So Rod, where did you get your job?” asked Sly.

“At Mystic Park. I’m the new roller coaster engineer.”

“Rodney! Of all jobs, a roller coaster engineer? I thought you were better than that!” He objected.

“Yeah Rodney, you could have had a job working on cars. I hate those drat roller coasters. They piss you off in more ways than one,” Buddy laughed.

And where in the world are roller coasters and roller coaster-related jobs a widespread object of contempt? How do roller coasters “piss you off in more ways than one”?


quote:

I felt my head get hot. Suddenly I had the taste for blood. I closed my eyes briefly, trying to clear my mind. I found myself licking my lips and producing more saliva than normal. I glared at Sly and Buddy; I drew my hands into fists, as I was stricken with frustration.

Anger does lead to increased saliva production, but I am unaware of any other work of fiction that focuses on that particular physiological response to wrath. Miranda Leek certainly has very eclectic priorities.


quote:

Then on that note both Buddy and Sly’s beer bottles shattered in their hands, glass piercing through their skin. They both screamed at spectators gathered around them. What did I do! Did I even do this? What’s wrong with me!

Previously we had seen gravitational control in a theme park. Now even a common pub has teleportation devices installed that can instantaneously transport its customers and staff into a stadium.


quote:

Suddenly I didn’t feel too good. I felt dizzy and lightheaded. I stood, only to stumble against the wall.

“Are you ok?” a shaken waitress asked.

“I’m not sure.” I uttered as I felt beads of sweat coat my forehead.

“Did you drink too much?”

“No,” I lied. Then I walked out the door of the bar. Was I finally feeling the effects of the beer? Or was it something else?

Dude, it’s the beer. In the same sentence you admitted that you had “lied” when asked whether you had drank too much.


quote:

I went to the back of the bar where my car was parked and started to fiddle with my keys. My hands shook terribly, making me drop them to the pavement. Before I could pick them up, a cat ran from under my car and snatched the keys with his mouth. He then vanished into the darkness. I looked up thinking what next and saw the moon.

Hang on to your seats – here it comes, the most hilarious transformation sequence in the history of literature.


quote:

Pain sliced trough [sic] my body.

Chapter Four typo count - 2


quote:

I felt hot as fire then cold as ice. I broke out in a tremendous sweat. My fingers singed. Pain raced down my back. My skin turned red as blood, my head throbbed.


From Chapter Three – “My body was as hot as fire then as cold as ice. My veins rippled beneath my skin. My muscles bulged as my fingers singed. “


quote:

I was getting bigger; thread-by-thread my clothes came apart.

Those must be some god-drat exquisite clothes if they unravel “thread-by-thread” during a transformation sequence instead of just being ripped up and torn apart.


quote:

My jaw popped out of socket, then pushed forward with my nose, forming a long snout. What’s happening to me! My mind screamed. My back ripped through my shirt. Grind! Snap! Pop! The sound of cracking bones, my bones. My skin hardened. My fingers fused together, and then round tips formed at the end, making – wheels.

“Grind! Snap! Pop! The sound of cracking bones, my bones.”


quote:

“It can’t be!” I said finally realizing. Woody was Thunderbark and his tall tale was true.

My shoulder blades shook as seats shot upwards. Then they formed along my back and up towards my head. My organs started to resituate as my tailbone extended. Everything internal and external compressed and stretched.

Is it compression or stretching? Make up your mind!


quote:

I was changing into my ride form, as Thunderbark had said; I was changing into a roller coaster, a roller coaster called Railrunner, the real me. I felt my mind clearing, being over powered by some unknown force. I was losing control. Pain went through me in spasms. Then it all stopped.

Isn’t “my mind clearing” the exact opposite of “being over powered” and “losing control”?


quote:



Marvel at the glory of Railrunner!


quote:

Railrunner fell to the ground in exhaustion. Inhaling and exhaling heavily.

Even though it is now a roller-coaster, for some reason it still has lungs and needs to breath.


quote:

The moon hung high overhead, and Railrunner was now running with it. He finally looked up; his fire tone amber eyes caught sight of it.

I wish the illustration was in colour so we could see what the hell kind of colour “fire tone amber” is supposed to be.


quote:

Railrunner stood upright on his middle cars. Then he let out a bellowing roar unlike any other, loud and powerful. The cat came out of the shadows and stood some ways from Railrunner.

The cat hissed at him its fur standing on end.

Railrunner glared at it. He crouched low to the ground and arched his back up high. Railrunner pilled [sic] back his lips, revealing dagger like teeth, and snarled menacingly. Saliva dripping from his jaws, he could smell the cats [sic] fear and its blood.

Chapter Four typo count - 4


quote:

The cat then let out a loud yowl and induced [sic] its claws. Railrunner then roared, and went strait [/sic] for the cat.

Chapter Four typo count - 5


quote:

Before the poor creature ever had a chance to get away, it fell victim to the demon coaster’s jaws.

And this is how mighty Railrunner begins his terrible rampage – by brutally slaughtering a cat.


quote:

Blood seeped into Railrunner’s mouth, it tasted good, he realized, like nectar to a god.

To Miranda Leek - Nectar “of” the gods is a thing. Nectar “to” a god is not a thing.


quote:

Out of control, Railrunner then turned and continued his savage raid.

He walked among the concrete; his wheels click clacking. He sniffed; he could smell more fear, more blood. The coaster crept over the bar and gazed down below to see humans. Scrawny and weak, they were no match for an almost twenty thousand pound living roller coaster.

How does Railrunner creep “over the bar”? Has the roof somehow been demolished already? And in the first place, how does a twenty-ton behemoth “creep”? Did no-one notice its approach? Are were-roller-coasters renowned for heightened powers of stealth?


quote:

On the ground paramedics tended to the men with glass shards through their hands. Their red blood, that matched Railrunner’s metal hide, dripped onto the ground. Railrunner smiled wickedly, his bloody teeth glistening in the moonlight.

Then the crazed creature leaped down from the building and on top of the parked ambulance. He threw his head back and roared loudly in pleasure. The frightened humans ran into the streets and some into the bar. He the [sic] climbed down from the ambulance and smashed through the bars [sic] windows.

Chapter Four typo count – 7

If the removal of just the windows (and not the entire wall) is sufficient to grant entry to a twenty-ton creature, those must be some friggin’ enormous windows indeed.


quote:

Railrunner then ransacked the pub’s interior to bits. The owner of the bar, Geoffrey Calloway, threw a beer bottle at Railrunner’s head; it smashed into a million pieces without the glass scratching Railrunner’s metal.

Those must be some truly gargantuan beer bottles –befitting of the abovementioned enormous windows if they can generate a million pieces upon breaking. No wonder Mr Calloway (who no doubt plays a continuing role in the book – else why would he suddenly get both a first and a last name?) believed that his beer bottle could inflict damage on a were-roller-coaster.


quote:

He paused then turned and barred [sic] his fangs at the man. Even though the bar owner was very prominent in Rodney’s memory, he found that he could not even recollect his face. Fool, though the roller coaster. He reared back and out of his wheels grew three fifteen –inch stainless steel blades that were perfectly sharp. Railrunner racked [sic] his claws across the quartz counter,

Chapter Four typo count - 9


quote:

cutting through it deeply and sharpening them at the same time.

If the claws are already “perfectly sharp”, how can they be further “sharpened”?


quote:

Fuming with rage, he went after the man.

The frightened soul ran into wine cellar with the steel door. I’m safe, Calloway thought, but he was dead wrong. Railrunner’s claws slashed through the steel door. They cut through the metal like butter. He then began to pull the door off its hinges.

The staircase leading to the cellar is apparently also large enough to accommodate a roller-coaster.


quote:

Suddenly a smoke bomb fell to the floor, making the place vaporous, but Railrunner’s eyes could see through it. He discovered the flashing lights of squad cars. His eyes narrowed and he growled low in his throat.

“Come on out with your hands up!” an officer yelled.

Railrunner walked upright towards the entrance. He then pushed the door off their hinges and stood in the line of fire.

And so is the doorway.


quote:

“It’s a – roller coaster?” One of the police said baffled, the gun shaking in his hand.

Railrunner crossly walked up to the police. They began to fire, their bullets simply bouncing off of him. He then grabbed the front bumper of the cruiser, and tossed it like a toy. It smashed into another car. Railrunner flung an officer out of his way and roared in sheer amusement. Within a blink of an eye he obliterated the small police force.

Railrunner looked at the mess he had made and snorted in disgust as he thought how pathetic the humans were. Then he looked to the moon and wailed, and ran off into the darkness.

If paramedics and police could be summoned to the bar within what can be no more than 10 minutes of the initial incident, the bar must be situated within populated suburbia. Where then is this “darkness” that can conceal a twenty-ton were-roller-coaster?

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

THIS IS HOW I THUNDERDOME




I'm so giddy. This book is awesome in it's awfulness!

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate Black Magic and I hate everything they stand for.

Credit goes to EagerSleeper for sending me the image of Rodney's were-roller-coaster form.

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at Mar 10, 2013 around 11:10

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Dreggon
Aug 24, 2011
I want my baby back baby back baby back

JosephWongKS posted:

Credit goes to EagerSleeper for sending me the image of Rodney's were-roller-coaster form.

It's loving terrible. It's using the wheels as feet and toes. There's also a disproportionately large car sitting behind it.

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