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Hey there, folks. This is my first E/N post, and I hope you'll forgive me for being a complete clumsy fucker. I'll try and give as much detail as possible but I'm sure there will be gaps, and I'm happy to answer questions. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years, married for 15 months of it. I am 34, she will be 34 next month. Long ago in the mists of prehistory when we got together, she expressed a militant desire not to have children; I, on the other hand, was all for it, but I accepted this as I was mad for her and was okay to see with how things progressed. Just before we got married, she asked me if I was still okay with it - thinking she was feeling me out if I was all right with her not wanting kids, I told her that I could go either way at that point, depending on the situation. The truth was, however, that I had long ago made my peace with not having children and actively started pursuing my career and then my dream of becoming a published author. We got married, and this was awesome. About six months later, however, she announced that she wanted kids. She'd wanted kids for a while. And expecting me to accept this with joyful tears and open arms...we were both alarmed to find that I had no loving clue if I did or not. I couldn't answer. I had absolutely no idea. When I think about kids now, it's just a foggy gray point. I wouldn't want to say yes to parenthood without being certain that I wanted one. On the other hand, my wife is convinced that we would be good parents, and she wants a family now. Her reasoning is that she wants a purpose for her life (my wife is fairly wealthy on her own, thanks to a trust, and doesn't work or do much outside of the house) but I don't see that a baby has to be the defining element of your existence. I don't disagree with her about our potential quality as parents, but where I'm trying to work through this (as long as it's taking me) my wife thinks we should just 'jump in' and make the best of it. This strikes me as being a really, really bad idea. She tells me that I'm holding her hostage by not making a decision; she's nearly 34, and of course the next year or so is the best time for her to have a child. I get that. But on the other hand, what kind of person would I be to make this decision without really being mentally signed on for it? I know that her clock is ticking, and she's made her own decision, but am I really that crazy not to want to go down this road until I'm sure that it's what I want as well? My wife usually gets her way in our relationship, but this is something I just don't feel that I should budge on - especially since we have had our rocky times of late, and on top of that she has straight out said that if I said no, she wasn't sure where things would go. So help me out, Goons. Anyone else been in this situation before? Am I really being that unreasonable? I'm really not sure what else to do than I've already done so far.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:32 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 16:02 |
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It doesn't really sound like you DON'T want kids, exactly- you just expected to feel super enthused about it and instead you aren't sure. Which is perfectly reasonable, because it's about the hugest and most irreversible decision a person can make. Don't assume that your lack of enthusiasm means you shouldn't have kids- lots of people are ambivalent about it. But don't ditch the BC immediately either. Talk to parents, maybe make a couple appointments with a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing, and devote a couple months to really think about this. And let your wife in on your thought process. For what it's worth, having an independently wealthy wife who wants to be a stay-at-home mom is an extremely ideal situation.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:38 |
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If you don't want to be a parent, she has no right to turn you into one. No negotiations necessary, that's how it is.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:39 |
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Maybe you guys should go to counseling, not as an 'oh no our relationship is broken' thing, but to help you hammer out where all the desires are coming from and help you figure out if kids are the right path, or if there's something else your wife might be better able to fill that void with. I think a third party with no emotional involvement might help guide you guys, since it's very hard to step back on your own from something like this. There are lots of things one can do to have a fulfilling life that don't include working (in the traditional sense of 'I need a paycheck so I go to work') or popping out babies. Volunteering, going to school for something she's passionate about and then pursuing, etc., fostering (which on top of being a wonderful chance to help someone, would negate any later in life expenses like college, weddings, blah blah that you may not want to deal with when you're older and have less energy).
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:43 |
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Kids are pretty cool but they're also an enormous amount of unpaid work and turmoil that you can't renege on. Good luck! My personal perspective on why I wanted kids (and have one so far) is that it's part of my regret minimization framework. Not every day with kids is lollipops and rainbows, and there's a lot of grief, but I know that if I got into my 40s with no kids I'd probably regret not having the experience.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:48 |
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Oh, also: this sort of thing comes up on ask.metafilter a lot, which tends to be populated by older people than SA, so there's a better sample of people like you who've actually had to face the decision to have kids or not have them. Read these over: Should I have a kid if I don't have a burning maternal instinct? I am entering my mid-thirties and nearing crises stage about whether or not have children. Please help me decide if I want to be a parent or not? What do you LOVE about being a parent?
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:48 |
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Savvy Cake posted:Her reasoning is that she wants a purpose for her life Tell her to get a loving hobby. Don't ever expect your child to fix a problem in your own life. If you're unhappy with the direction your life has taken, figure that out. THEN have a baby. Even if you did want kids, you shouldn't have them now, because she clearly isn't ready.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 17:49 |
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Kids are cool, so you should have one.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:06 |
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Savvy Cake posted:My wife usually gets her way in our relationship, but this is something I just don't feel that I should budge on - especially since we have had our rocky times of late, and on top of that she has straight out said that if I said no, she wasn't sure where things would go. You don't need to be as enthusiastic as she is for it to be a good idea, but you do need to fix whatever hostage-taking atrociousness this is (and this is pretty near relationship breaking by itself, IMO) before deciding one way or the other.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:10 |
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Well, a child born into a wealthy home in a first world nation, with at least one dedicated and interested parent, is probably going to have a pretty good run at life. Being born on third base is not something to underestimate. However kids will kick the poo poo out of your productivity. Pretty much everybody who has ever done genius level world changing work did it single, or turns out to have been a lovely parent. As a hobby project absent other world-changing work, they really are quite absorbing. I dunno, I like my kids, and I can say this for them: While I was not the sort of person who was much 'bored' beforehand, I've not been even close to 'bored' for the last 9 years and counting. Though some of that is a change of context, I used to think mowing the lawn was boring. Now it is 40 minutes once a week where nobody can ask me to stop what I am doing to do something else, and I really really like that...now.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:12 |
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showbiz_liz posted:For what it's worth, having an independently wealthy wife who wants to be a stay-at-home mom is an extremely ideal situation. Yes and no. Having a baby because you want a baby is one thing. Having a baby because you're having an early midlife crisis and need to justify your existence is an awful burden to put on the poor thing. The thing about a baby (for women especially) is they are a bit of a life reboot and insta-purpose. You're not "wasting your time watching reality tv while your career tanks", you're "a stay at home Mom". It's an instant ticket to being A Real Person who does Real Things. I bet something along these lines is the driving force here. That said, get counseling and maybe do some traveling. Because if you do have a baby, you won't be taking many glamorous vacations for awhile.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:21 |
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showbiz_liz posted:It doesn't really sound like you DON'T want kids, exactly- you just expected to feel super enthused about it and instead you aren't sure. Which is perfectly reasonable, because it's about the hugest and most irreversible decision a person can make. The problem for me is that I really don't know either way. I can't imagine a life with kids, but I don't feel like it would be a mistake to have them. Then again I don't feel that NOT having them is mistaken either. I just can't get through this maddening ambivalence/lack of imagination, because I'm normally very decisive. I've been talking to a lot of parents, I've been reading books both in the child-free and parental camp, but none of it has really done much to move me one way or another. Makes me goddamned crazy. Castle Bidimar posted:If you don't want to be a parent, she has no right to turn you into one. Right on. If I figure out I don't want them, I'll stand on it. triskadekaphilia posted:Maybe you guys should go to counseling, not as an 'oh no our relationship is broken' thing, but to help you hammer out where all the desires are coming from and help you figure out if kids are the right path, or if there's something else your wife might be better able to fill that void with. I think a third party with no emotional involvement might help guide you guys, since it's very hard to step back on your own from something like this. I asked that we go to counseling. We've gone to one session, and my therapist told us she felt we needed to secure our identity as a couple (we can have our rough patches) before we think about kids. My wife was fairly unhappy with this, and she's labeled my desire for counseling a 'condition' to my making my mind up. Which is pretty hurtful, but she seems to think it's hurtful that I haven't made my mind up yet as well, so there you go. Cicero posted:My personal perspective on why I wanted kids (and have one so far) is that it's part of my regret minimization framework. Not every day with kids is lollipops and rainbows, and there's a lot of grief, but I know that if I got into my 40s with no kids I'd probably regret not having the experience. That's fair. I helped raise my previous ex's two nieces from birth, so I know how it can be fulfilling - of course that's not the same as having them, as I could always give them back! My wife also has experience with her ex-husband's daughter (who she raised from ages 4-8,) whom I now suspect was filling in the void for her. She was very often in our lives when she was living with her father until high school, when she moved in with her mother. Maybe part of me has seen the life cycle up into high school with three different kids, and the mystique has rubbed off? I don't know. Naerasa posted:Tell her to get a loving hobby. Don't ever expect your child to fix a problem in your own life. If you're unhappy with the direction your life has taken, figure that out. THEN have a baby. Even if you did want kids, you shouldn't have them now, because she clearly isn't ready. triskadekaphilia posted:There are lots of things one can do to have a fulfilling life that don't include working (in the traditional sense of 'I need a paycheck so I go to work') or popping out babies. Volunteering, going to school for something she's passionate about and then pursuing, etc., fostering (which on top of being a wonderful chance to help someone, would negate any later in life expenses like college, weddings, blah blah that you may not want to deal with when you're older and have less energy). I agree with you two on hobbies and the other bits re: a fulfilling life - I had to come up with something when I thought we wouldn't have children ever, after all. She has yoga and that whole community (she starts a three month teacher training program in the near future) and has said that if I gave her a 'no' she'd delve into that whole thing, though it sounds more like a threat than anything else because she'd also said that she'd be gone a lot at conventions and retreats and such. And trust me, Naerasa, I've given her own readiness a lot of thought too. I admit to feeling pretty rough about her changing her mind after six years and demanding I make up my mind in a few months. I also admit to being fairly terrified that this will end up destroying our relationship. I have a good career on my own; it's not like breaking up would ruin me, and thirty-four isn't ancient (though I remember that I've been lurking in SA since it started and feel otherwise) so it things go wrong with this then I could make a new start. Just...man. It's rough stuff. Adar posted:You don't need to be as enthusiastic as she is for it to be a good idea, but you do need to fix whatever hostage-taking atrociousness this is (and this is pretty near relationship breaking by itself, IMO) before deciding one way or the other. Which atrociousness are you referring to? My not being able to make a decision or what she said? Slo-Tek posted:Well, a child born into a wealthy home in a first world nation, with at least one dedicated and interested parent, is probably going to have a pretty good run at life. Being born on third base is not something to underestimate. Yeah, I've worried about the lovely parent angle. I work a lot, and my wife doesn't feel like she's getting enough attention from me right now (and I'm taking steps to fix that) so what would kids mean? And the stress magnification? Whew. I've known as many couples split up over kids as they stayed together and were awesome. Poison Cake posted:Yes and no. Having a baby because you want a baby is one thing. Having a baby because you're having an early midlife crisis and need to justify your existence is an awful burden to put on the poor thing. Haha. Yeah. Well, as I said above, we're starting counseling, though I don't know if her attitude about it is awesome. And you're probably right about Real Person, Real Things. Don't know what the gently caress to do with that.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:26 |
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1. You're never "ready" for kids. They are a both a great joy and a huge hassle no matter when you have them. If you have them, you just have to work around them. If you wait until you feel you're ready, it will be time to start drawing Social Security before you're there. 2. No matter how well you plan or prepare, life with kids will be completely unlike anything you expected - both good and bad. It's a permanent change in you life that you have to learn to take one day at a time. Every kid is different, and the act of raising them is pure improvisation. I've got two kids, both in college now. I would not trade the experience of raising them for anything.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:44 |
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So if I read your post correctly, your wife did a 180 on the kids thing 6 months into your marriage and wanted you to make a decision. Now its 9 months later and you are no closer to deciding, while she is getting very impatient. Is that about right? She is being unfair by saying you are 'holding her hostage'. This isn't a decision that needs to be made immediately. But to look at it from her perspective you have made no progress in 9 months. 34 is by no means old, but I'm sure she has read all the information on birth defects etc. and realises that the next 2-3 years represent her only real window. And its not like it will happen overnight even if you decide to start trying. It's not surprising she has started pressing you a bit at this point. As other people have said, its a bad idea to have a kid expecting it to fix your life. I may be in the minority, but I don't consider creating a copy of yourself a purpose in life. That poo poo is for bacteria. We should be able to have a fulfilling life on its own merits with or without kids. Your children's achievements are not your achievements, so having a kid who might do great things doesn't excuse you from not living your life. Has your wife considered alternatives? Just because you don't need to work to live doesn't mean you shouldn't work. Having said that though, you owe it to her to make a decision on this. You also don't need to be baby-mad to have a baby, especially if she is going to stay home and do most of the work. Maybe the best thing for both of you would be to put a clock on this and say that you will give her a final decision in 3/6/9 months. Therapy was a good idea, but the ball is in your court bro. EDIT: Do you know what made her do a rapid change of mind in the first place? What were her original reasons for not having kids? Do they no longer apply? jabby fucked around with this message at Feb 26, 2013 around 18:58 |
| # ? Feb 26, 2013 18:55 |
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Savvy Cake posted:I admit to feeling pretty rough about her changing her mind after six years and demanding I make up my mind in a few months. I would put it this way to her.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:00 |
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I don't think she's mad you haven't made up your mind, she's mad you haven't said yes. Part of it could be that you seem to have been pretty passive for the most part?jabby posted:
Hormones are powerful things, and the fact there is a shortening time-frame can really motivate a decision out of someone. She probably realizes if the OP says no her natural options are quickly evaporating.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:15 |
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I'm sorry, but if she's giving you an implied "give me a baby or I'm divorcing you" ultimatum, loving let her divorce you and send her a thank-you card when she does. Or if you prefer me to dial it back a notch, I'll merely observe that a marriage where one party strongly wants to have children and the other strongly does not is doomed. If one party strongly wants to have children and the other only kinda sorta isn't sure, the party that's passionate about it is going to win out and they're going to have children. It sounds like that last situation is you.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:16 |
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I think you should tell her you don't want kids, and see how she reacts. If she flips out and asks for a divorce, you two had no place raising kids together in the first place. If she is upset but understanding and reasoned about it, you can reconsider and approach her later. Accelerationism is the way to go.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:18 |
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Eric the Mauve posted:I'm sorry, but if she's giving you an implied "give me a baby or I'm divorcing you" ultimatum, loving let her divorce you and send her a thank-you card when she does. Honestly- if the OP decides not to have a kid she NEEDS to divorce him, like yesterday, if she wants any chance of having her own child. She's 34- she has a couple of years left to do this, and if OP really, really decides not to have kids she SHOULD divorce him ASAP and either find a receptive partner or get IVF as a single mom. She has the right to change her mind and be firm about it, just like the OP does. Jeffrey posted:I think you should tell her you don't want kids, and see how she reacts. If she flips out and asks for a divorce, you two had no place raising kids together in the first place. If she is upset but understanding and reasoned about it, you can reconsider and approach her later. Accelerationism is the way to go. This is loving stupid advice. Totally compatible couples break up every day because one wants kids and the other doesn't. It's a completely valid reason to divorce someone.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:20 |
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showbiz_liz posted:Honestly- if the OP decides not to have a kid she NEEDS to divorce him, like yesterday, if she wants any chance of having her own child. She's 34- she has a couple of years left to do this, and if OP really, really decides not to have kids she SHOULD divorce him ASAP and either find a receptive partner or get IVF as a single mom. 100% agreed. It's one of those painful situations where deep down both parties know they should divorce and are eventually going to divorce, but waste years of their lives in misery because neither is willing to be the Bad Guy and initiate the divorce. Especially in this case, OP's wife doesn't have years to waste.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:22 |
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Not having kids is awesome. I'm 48 and I've never regretted not having kids for a second.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:23 |
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312 posted:I don't think she's mad you haven't made up your mind, she's mad you haven't said yes. Part of it could be that you seem to have been pretty passive for the most part? I don't know that we can put it down to hormones, but certainly there is some time pressure. Fertility declines like hell after 30. If you want a kid without a whole lot of expensive, time consuming, unsexy, and genetic-testing scary bullshit, you probably need to get one cooking before much long. Also, this is a relatively short-span relationship. 6 years total with a year and a half of wedded bliss. It is easy to be "gently caress kids, we're too awesome and fun for kids" when you are all blushy in new love and have lots of time and interest for each other to the exclusion of all other things. But after six years, or a year, things settle down into a routine, and you might feel like there is room for more obsessed unconditional love.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:23 |
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They've only been married 15 months, this was something to bring up then, not now. I guess she has a "right" but it makes her a complete rear end in a top hat.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:24 |
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Savvy Cake posted:Which atrociousness are you referring to? My not being able to make a decision or what she said? People are allowed to change their minds on children (lots of them do!) and people are allowed to say 'kids or divorce' (lots of them do!) but if I were facing that second point, especially given your history, 'rough patches' and point 1, it would be a red flag the size of Texas.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:24 |
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Deteriorata posted:Good points True enough! I've heard it plenty, and I definitely keep it in mind. jabby posted:Having said that though, you owe it to her to make a decision on this. You also don't need to be baby-mad to have a baby, especially if she is going to stay home and do most of the work. Maybe the best thing for both of you would be to put a clock on this and say that you will give her a final decision in 3/6/9 months. Therapy was a good idea, but the ball is in your court bro. Totally understand. Of course, given my experience with her at home, I don't know that I trust she'd 'do all the work'. I mean as it is, when there's cleaning to be done and such, it's me who does it. I cook when cooking's done. On occasion she's done some things when I wasn't around, but if we do it together she tends to criticize my work/logic. I see a lot of the work, especially the early heavy lifting, done by yours truly. As for the rapid change of mind, it apparently is only rapid in terms of her voicing it to me; she's been thinking this for a while, before our wedding at least. I know I asked her if she'd had married me if she thought I would say no to kids and she said she wasn't sure. I shouldn't be surprised, I guess, considering she used to be pretty anti-marriage too but was secretly waiting for me to propose for two years before I did. I just don't assume on these big things, though. I listen to what people tell me. What else can you do? Missouri Fever posted:I would put it this way to her. Already done. Her position is basically that this isn't rocket science and it's a yes/no answer. I dunno, man. I'm pissed at myself for not being able to go either way. I don't know why I can't. 312 posted:I don't think she's mad you haven't made up your mind, she's mad you haven't said yes. Part of it could be that you seem to have been pretty passive for the most part? Well, it's not that I've been passive so much as I just have been actively wracking my brain about it. I mean I've told her what I've been doing. It's more likely she's hurt that I didn't instantly just say YES!! and she's taking it to be something against her rather than just the idea of children in general. 'You don't want kids, or you just don't want kids with ME?' has been asked. And that's not it, as I told her. Eric the Mauve posted:I'm sorry, but if she's giving you an implied "give me a baby or I'm divorcing you" ultimatum, loving let her divorce you and send her a thank-you card when she does. No, I'll stick with whatever decision I make, whatever the circumstances. I've already even said that if she wanted a child, and I decided I didn't, I'd work with her to dissolve the marriage and let her find someone else if she wanted to - easily the hardest goddamned thing I've said to my wife ever, but it had to be said. Her response has been that she'll just mourn and find something else, which I really don't believe much. So, who knows. I just hope this isn't going to be 'babies or I'm out'. Then again, she said 'no babies or we can't be together long term' back then, so...
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:24 |
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Passive as in "she usually gets her way". I'm guessing the fact that she now absolutely needs you and can't change your mind instantly is a bit disconcerting to her.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:27 |
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Savvy Cake posted:Totally understand. Of course, given my experience with her at home, I don't know that I trust she'd 'do all the work'. I mean as it is, when there's cleaning to be done and such, it's me who does it. I cook when cooking's done. On occasion she's done some things when I wasn't around, but if we do it together she tends to criticize my work/logic. I see a lot of the work, especially the early heavy lifting, done by yours truly. This sounds like a problem. So she doesn't work, she doesn't pull her weight in chores, has only a few hobbies but wants a kid to give her life meaning. No offence, but she sounds lazy. Maybe she should figure out what she wants to do with the rest of her life before she has kids. I mean even a child only kills 5 years before they start school and being a 'stay at home mom' goes out the window. Savvy Cake posted:It's more likely she's hurt that I didn't instantly just say YES!! Its more probably the indecision. If you said no then at least she could leave and find someone else to have kids with (even if she says she wouldn't, it would be an option). If you continue to drag your feet then she might miss that opportunity.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:43 |
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Maybe have her help convince you by telling you how she sees her life once you two have kids? At 1 year after, 2 years after, 3 years after, 5, 10, 18, 25?
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:47 |
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Honestly, I wouldn't worry quite as much about time. I know people freak out about hormones and birth defects and blah blah after 35, but with one or two exceptions, the many couples I know with children started families in their 30s and beyond. I know multiple people who have had kid one or kid two after 40. I work in academia, and it's very normal because it takes so drat long to get a PhD and get a career going. The rates of declining fertility and complications are very scary if you compare them to those in your 20s; they are less so if you think about the actuality of 1 in 150 chances. It looks a lot less scary on its own then it does held up against 1/1000. That time has already passed for OP and his wife, anyway. There's one circumstance when I would worry about time: if you are absolutely sure it's a no on your side. Then she needs a chance to leave, if that's what she wants. It sounds like she very much wants kids, but if your marriage has a lot of rocky patches after 15 months, and she for whatever reason didn't feel like this change was something she could or should communicate with you before the wedding, when she first changed her mind, I think you guys have problems to address before you should be deciding to have kids. There's never a perfect time, but a stable relationship is pretty much a must. A baby never saves a marriage.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:49 |
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jabby posted:Its more probably the indecision. If you said no then at least she could leave and find someone else to have kids with (even if she says she wouldn't, it would be an option). If you continue to drag your feet then she might miss that opportunity. Perhaps she assumed the OP still wanted kids and thought she was making a major concession to him in changing her mind. She may just be rather confused and put off by the OP's reluctance on the matter, thinking she had just settled a significant issue of contention between them. Meanwhile, the OP had reconciled to not having kids, thinking he had himself cleared up this issue between them. There is a strong "Gift of the Magi" undercurrent here.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:52 |
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Safe and Secure! posted:Maybe have her help convince you by telling you how she sees her life once you two have kids? At 1 year after, 2 years after, 3 years after, 5, 10, 18, 25? Seems like a good idea in theory, but I feel like this would be very hard to ask without sounding overly condescending and cause more trouble. Like when you're 6 and you want a puppy and your parents ask you how you're going to take care of it and you go 'I'll give it food and water and hugs forever.' If OP's wife is already on the defensive, whether it's a valid point or not it may not help things.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 19:54 |
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Slo-Tek posted:However kids will kick the poo poo out of your productivity. Pretty much everybody who has ever done genius level world changing work did it single, or turns out to have been a lovely parent. The first sentence of this is undoubtedly true, but I think it's a bit exaggerated to say that everyone in that category was single or a bad parent. J.G. Ballard wrote a lot of his books whilst bringing up his children as a single parent, for instance. It's not impossible. Also, OP, you have the rest of your mentally and physically capable life to write books in. Your wife has a limited amount of time she can have children in. And it's not as if you're actually dead against the idea, more "not as bothered as she is" (and when it comes down to it, a lot of men are less bothered about having children than their wives or partners are). You seem to be mostly worried about the idea of "just jumping in", but I can kind of see your wife's point of view here. Unless there's a specific thing you want to achieve (e.g. a bigger income) before you feel ready for kids, how is delaying going to make you a better qualified parent? It's not something you can learn by going on a training course. You just do it, and it works, or doesn't. This is everyone's experience. The one thing that gives me pause is that your wife talks about wanting a purpose in life through having kids. That's probably not ultimately a good reason to have children because it makes them subordinate to your own needs, instead of independent people in their own right, especially when they get old enough to have some independence.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:07 |
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jabby posted:
For my wife, though she will probably never admit this, its when her friends started having kids. Before we got married we had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. It took about a year for her to change her mind, which by chance happened to be around the time that some friends of ours got married and pregnant pretty much immediately afterwards. I'm a bit in the same boat as the OP in that I feel a little offput by how quickly she changed her mind, but I also should know better than to take my wife's opinion of children at age 24 (when we got married) and think it was going to just never change. I'm not completely against having kids, I'm just not gung-ho, over the top crazy about it like she is right now. I know there's never a "good time", nor will you ever be completely ready, etc., it just feels like I should be at least a little excited about it and I'm just not. It also doesn't help that she initially agreed to let me finish school, but she keeps moving the goalposts and now she just wants to start trying this summer, despite me still having more school to go. OP, I don't really have any good advice for you but I can empathize with what you're dealing with. I absolutely love my wife, and we aren't going through any of the other arguing, not sharing chores, etc. things that you are. It seems like you should try to get those issues cleared up before you start trying to have kids.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:09 |
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Combo posted:For my wife, though she will probably never admit this, its when her friends started having kids. Before we got married we had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. It took about a year for her to change her mind, which by chance happened to be around the time that some friends of ours got married and pregnant pretty much immediately afterwards. Ugg please don't do this. Don't shrug your way into having kids you don't actually want to have. It's not exactly a recipe for success.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:14 |
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Jeffrey posted:Ugg please don't do this. Don't shrug your way into having kids you don't actually want to have. It's not exactly a recipe for success. Not being sure you want kids is not the same thing as "not wanting kids" though.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:18 |
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My husband and I weren't sure what our stance on children were when we got married. I wasn't sure if I wanted any, and he had a daughter from a previous marriage and wasn't sure he wanted any more. A year into our marriage, and having spent more time around his daughter and seeing what a great dad he was, I asked if we could try. If he said no, that would be fine. If he said yes, then great. We discussed the pro's and con's of it. It would be expensive, we couldn't just go out and do things at the drop of a hat, etc. But I told him it was something I'd very much like to do and he agreed. He wasn't uber-excited about it, but I didn't have to give him ultimatums and twist his arm about it, either. When I became pregnant, he got very excited and now that our son is here he absolutely loves him. What I mean to say is you don't have to be, "YES! LET'S MAKE A BABY!" like your wife is. Sometimes excitement doesn't set in until later. But by no means do you have to be bullied into having a child, either. I'm glad to see you'll stick to your guns if you decide you don't want to have one. I can't really understand why your wife was adamant for so long about not wanting children and then suddenly changed her mind and expects you to go with it. It's bizarre to me that she wasn't honest about such a big issue.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:19 |
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Jeffrey posted:Ugg please don't do this. Don't shrug your way into having kids you don't actually want to have. It's not exactly a recipe for success. I'm not completely against having them, and I know she wants a kid for all the right reasons, its not because her friends starting having kids so she wants one too, that's just what kind of kicked off the whole thing. My main concern is paying for everything, honestly.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:20 |
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showbiz_liz posted:Not being sure you want kids is not the same thing as "not wanting kids" though. You were right I came on too strong to the OP, but that post was directed at someone who said that he and his wife decided together that they both didn't want kids. It is fine if his mind has shifted also, but I just worry he still doesn't want them and is looking at appeasement.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:24 |
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I don't think for many men that the main issue is whether or not you want kids. The issue is whether you want to have kids with *her*. This is not a decision that has to be agonized over, but you need to do a serious gut check about on some basic questions. These were the potential deal-breakers for me. 1. Do you think, deep-down, that she would be a good parent? 2. Do you think she would continue to be a good wife (meaning: present, loving, and respectful of you) even with babies and kids around? (These, obviously, concentrate on the "her" questions. I'm assuming you are capable of asking yourself whether you are responsible and caring enough to be a good parent? Also for figuring out whether you have the means to support a family - which it sounds like you do.) In my case, easy yeses to both of those questions led me to say "what the hell, let's try", and we had some kids. I was never gung-ho about it in advance, but it has come to be the most deeply rewarding part of my existence. By far.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:33 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 16:02 |
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If you decide not to have kids, decide fast and divorce her quick. You DO NOT want to be that guy who wasted her time and her remaining eggs. She's 34. In terms of reprogenics, she's quickly flying into the danger zone. Just don't waste her time. She's not going to suddenly turn around and not want kids again (I'll be honest, I've seen more than one instance of people who swore they didn't want kids, who ended up wanting kids... but not the other way around). If you dick around with this decision and waste her chance, she'll resent you forever.
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| # ? Feb 26, 2013 20:43 |
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