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I thought for a long time about writing this, because I was doing so well a while ago and in the past 6 months or so things have just landslided down. Long story short, I was in therapy, doing rad, overcoming depression and anxiety stuff, and then I accepted my current job. Schedules conflicted and I basically haven't been in therapy since July. Met a girl on OKCupid and knew her for a couple of months, had two one-month relationships with her in that time (bleh) and sort of fell into a depression. Did some stuff I regret, being a mess of a person at a low point, but started scraping my stuff together. I live in a lovely little tourist town in Michigan, and, in something like September, I started visiting Grand Rapids, which is a really cool place that I feel fits me a lot better than the place I've lived my entire life. It's a city, there's people my age, tons of stuff to do, all kinds of culture, etc. etc. Made some friends at the game center and have been consistently visiting on the weekends ever since. I have two roommates lined up and my current plan is to hopefully move there with them in May. For now, though, I'm stuck here. Since my ex dumped me, I've been trolling around OKCupid, I've met some girls, but ultimately I've become a clingy wreck on each one of them one way or another, texting them way too much, getting sad when they didn't text back, etc. I figured out that I was trying to derive way too much validation (my understanding is that deriving ANY validation or whatever from people, especially people you know just barely through a dating site, is a really bad idea) from them and started trying to figure out how to not do that. I still don't have time to go to therapy, though. Along with my loneliness my depression has come back hardcore, and while I have good days, I have a lot of bad days in between (and sometimes during). I think a lot about just kind of giving up and doing something really dangerous because I feel like life'll never get better, I'll never make it to GR, I'll always be lonely, etc, but I don't think that's a huge risk even now. I took up smoking cigarettes in September, though, and have been nearly a pack of day since. Rationale here is unhealthy and kind of embarrassing, but I figured I would stop smoking when I found a thing to live for. And it really sucks that I feel so alone and lovely because I know I ~do~ things and have ~worth~ and stuff - I go to the gym every other day, I'm learning guitar, I sing, I (nerd alert) play fighting games competitively and do pretty well, I act, etc., but it's just like the depression hits and I feel like I'll never be good enough at any of it and nothing's ever going to happen. Money's a big issue, too, of course, since I've got rent to pay for and student loans and poo poo. I don't even owe that much ($10,000, $85 something a month) but it feels so daunting and I don't know where my money keeps going. I've reserved to stay home on weekends 'til May to save money so I can actually move to GR, because I feel like if I actually make it up there I can get out of my head and have reminders that I have a social life and I ~am~ cool, but I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to make it until then. I'll elaborate on whatever you want. Please advise. Addendum: Oh, I guess I'll add more crap. I don't sleep very much and am currently trying to deal with an addiction to porn / masturbation that I've had since I was about 8. According to yourbrainonporn.com some of the withdrawal symptoms can include depression and the like, so I'm guessing part of it has to do with that, but, poo poo, motivation to stay "clean" (yeah, it's a dumb addiction vs drugs and the like but still) is really tough to find when you don't have some kind of alternative via easily/realistically getting laid. No, I'm not ugly and I'm not really very socially awkward at all, it's just due to location and OKCupid-ing with people half an hour away at minimum tends to be tough as balls. 2x ADDENDUM COMBO: And it's really bumming me out reading the Online Dating Trainwrecks thread and seeing all these trip-reports of goons going out with utterly miserable dudes and still responding to their messages, seeing them, sleeping with them, etc. and knowing that, poo poo, I'm not ~that~ bad and barely anyone returns my messages or wants to talk to me. I realize after typing this that this is through the lens of someone who feels a need for validation from others, but I'll leave it here to further dissect I guess. It's not like this last paragraph is taking it out of the boundaries of wordy emotional slop. Jesus H. Christ fucked around with this message at Feb 28, 2013 around 03:59 |
| # ? Feb 28, 2013 03:53 |
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| # ? May 18, 2013 19:39 |
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Jesus H. Christ posted:
This is almost entirely because of location. But you really need to work on getting inner validation.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 04:32 |
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I knoooooooow. It's so weird, because I feel like I'm okay with myself and all that and if I actually lived in GR I would be great because I'd have stuff to go out and do and I'd feel like I wasn't just sitting around killing time, but when I'm just sitting in my apartment doing whatever it feels so hopeless. Like, I guess I feel like I'm okay being by myself when I'm in a spot where I don't ~have~ to be by myself. Shoot, even some days when I AM by myself I feel fine, just, the depression hits.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 04:35 |
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Manic depressive is way more helpful to getting laid than plain old sad sack depression so work on building a manic phase into your personality. That way, when you go out on dates you aren't a clingy, boring bullshit partner for the night. You put down acting as a hobby? Great, you already have the tools for being a lying rear end in a top hat, so bust out your Stanislavski and find the emotional center of being a fun dude. Project the poo poo out of that right into the pudgy face of your OKCupid date and watch as she melts like greasy butter into your goony hands. Later, you can have a really satisfying denouement as you cup your face in your hands while the edge of the bed digs into your fleshy thighs. Slowly raise your head in the moonlit darkness of her bedroom and catch the slivers of light and shadow cast through her Pokemon curtains. Staring up into Mother Luna you ask Why? Why do you lie to them all so you can get your rocks off? Is this just complicated masturbation or must every physical act have meaning? Are you now in love? Have you ever been in love? Can we ever truly know the contents of another human being's heart? Looking to your side at the mop of slightly greasy hair peeking out of the covers you wonder. She seemed so into you earlier in the evening, when you two were comparing anecdotes about your greatest headshots in Call of Duty. Now, her soft, sweat-basted flesh lays motionless under the giant Fluttershy comforter. A quiet fart escapes her backside. Turning once more to La Lune, you feel the overwhelming clarity of existential horror. Do you start a new thread for this, or update your current? My god, what to do?
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 06:39 |
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Jesus H. Christ posted:I live in a lovely little tourist town in Michigan, Gotta be Frankenmuth. Haha yeah, get out A.S.A.P. (though I would rather live in Frankenmuth than Saginaw)
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 09:38 |
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CuddleChunks posted:Manic depressive is way more helpful to getting laid than plain old sad sack depression so work on building a manic phase into your personality. That way, when you go out on dates you aren't a clingy, boring bullshit partner for the night. I guess I should be clear that I'm fine in person and don't really flip out and turn into a baby or anything like that. I even do quite well when actual people are arou-- quote:pudgy face of your OKCupid date and watch as she melts like greasy butter into your goony hands. quote:while the edge of the bed digs into your fleshy thighs. Slowly raise your head in the moonlit darkness of her bedroom and catch the slivers of light and shadow cast through her Pokemon curtains. quote:Looking to your side at the mop of slightly greasy hair quote:her soft, sweat-basted flesh lays motionless under the giant Fluttershy comforter. A quiet fart escapes her backside.  Jedi Knight Luigi posted:Gotta be Frankenmuth. Haha yeah, get out A.S.A.P. (though I would rather live in Frankenmuth than Saginaw) Wrong direction, acually. South Haven.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 12:11 |
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Stop smoking right now.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 14:07 |
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HardDisk posted:Stop smoking right now. But... but I'm smoking right now, and I just bought a pack  it helps my anxiety!
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 15:09 |
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DIY therapy: Depression Workbook Srsly, the best thing you can do is start exercising. 20 minutes of cardio, 3x a week, does surprising things to your mood.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 15:50 |
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I go to the gym every other day and do at least 20 mins of cardio. I'll check the workbook after work today, thanks!
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 17:06 |
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meanieface posted:DIY therapy: Depression Workbook Not to derail but I've done cardio for an hour three times a week for the past two years and it hasn't had any effect. Would it be prudent to look for a medical problem?
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 17:15 |
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Clicked expecting a sogging tissue trainwreck of a human, saw a pretty normal person with the usual issues stemming from living in the middle of Michigan in winter, vaguely disappointed. You'll be fine, just suck it up for three more months and get out of the house a bit more than usual. Better yet, expand your OKCupid horizons to people actually living in Grand Rapids so you can meet some girl before you even get there. Bonus: she will be a resident of Grand Rapids instead of wherever you are.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 17:49 |
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Seriously bud, southwest Michigan is depressing as gently caress. You don't see the sun for an average of like ~270 days per year. I lived in GR for 7 years and while it pales in comparison to somewhere normal, it's an awesome city in a really lovely location. Since you already have the really lovely location down the awesome city part goes nowhere but up. poo poo even Flint was better than GR. Now go grab some yesterdogs and look for holes in the perennial cloud-cover until a 'homeless' hipster asks you for money.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 19:34 |
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College Ruled posted:Not to derail but I've done cardio for an hour three times a week for the past two years and it hasn't had any effect. Would it be prudent to look for a medical problem? It's very possible you're eating more food than you realize or unconciously justifying that heap of ice cream you just ate. First look at your diet, count those calories. Some things contain surprising amounts of cals in them. Birthday cake oreos for example, 2 of those is 150 cals (I had some the other day and looked out of curiosity!). Junk food can be incredibly calorie dense.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 20:04 |
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Adiabatic posted:
I've lived in multiple big cities across the country and Yesterdog still has some of the best hotdogs I've ever had. Those steamed buns man.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 20:23 |
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Sloober posted:It's very possible you're eating more food than you realize or unconciously justifying that heap of ice cream you just ate. First look at your diet, count those calories. Some things contain surprising amounts of cals in them. Birthday cake oreos for example, 2 of those is 150 cals (I had some the other day and looked out of curiosity!). Junk food can be incredibly calorie dense. Sorry for the confusion but by effect I mean an effect on my mood. I watch my caloric intake like a hawk and adjust the content according to activity level/desired weight. Physically, I am doing extremely well. Mentally, not so much. I find myself getting more and more agitated and mentally exhausted as days go on. It's also affecting my concentration despite the ADHD medication I take. I can barely focus and stay on task at work and it's starting to effect my performance. I've tried exercising more, but that isn't helping at all. I'm just concerned because many E/N threads talk about how exercise improves mental health while I seem to be experiencing the opposite effects. College Ruled fucked around with this message at Feb 28, 2013 around 21:06 |
| # ? Feb 28, 2013 20:50 |
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College Ruled posted:Sorry for the confusion but by effect I mean an effect on my mood.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 21:07 |
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waffle posted:It's incredibly unlikely that the exercise is making your mental health worse. It's almost certainly that something else is going on. Are you feeling any stress from work? No. Quite the opposite, in fact. I also doubt exercise is causing this issue. This has been a steady decline over the past two years.
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| # ? Feb 28, 2013 21:12 |
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Adar posted:Clicked expecting a sogging tissue trainwreck of a human, saw a pretty normal person with the usual issues stemming from living in the middle of Michigan in winter, vaguely disappointed. Thanks, I really appreciate that. And I'm trying to suck it up as best I can!  It just sucks, I guess. In any case, I have almost exclusively been messaging girls in GR, and my (temporarily deactivated) OKC account mentions at the top that I'm moving to GR in May, but even with girls that I have like 90% matches with it seems like I can't get a response. After posting this thread and finding out I'm not ~full broken~, I'm considering going to the online dating thread and getting some tips on my profile, but I'm kind of scared they'll beat me up or something. Edit: Plus I don't have a clue where it is any more. Wasn't it in E/N? Adiabatic posted:Now go grab some yesterdogs and look for holes in the perennial cloud-cover until a 'homeless' hipster asks you for money. Know how bad South Haven sucks? I've literally never heard of a Yesterdog, and I long to be in an environment where I can interact with actual hipsters, even if they're homeless as hell. --- Phisty posted:Seriously, toss your smokes out the window, slam a glass of water and go for a jog. Jesus H. Christ fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 00:20 |
| # ? Feb 28, 2013 23:47 |
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Dear god why would you start smoking as an adult? The only reason I'm addicted to that poo poo is because I was an idiot 14 year old girl when I started and I'm broken for the rest of my life because of it; I'm miserable when I smoke because I look/feel/smell like poo poo and when I don't because my brain chemistry is forever altered and I'll always crave it. Smoking will make it harder to do the things you need to fix your problems, like exercising. It'll narrow down the people you can date as well as make your teeth/skin look hosed. Thats also where your money is disappearing to. Seriously, it'd be more productive to just flush your money down the toilet and punch yourself in the lungs every hour or so. I have no idea why someone would start smoking full time as an adult, it loving baffles me. Seriously, toss your smokes out the window, slam a glass of water and go for a jog.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 00:17 |
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Jesus H. Christ posted:I have almost exclusively been messaging girls in GR, and my (temporarily deactivated) OKC account mentions at the top that I'm moving to GR in May, but even with girls that I have like 90% matches with it seems like I can't get a response. After posting this thread and finding out I'm not ~full broken~, I'm considering going to the online dating thread and getting some tips on my profile, but I'm kind of scared they'll beat me up or something. Why is that every broken male goon believes having a girlfriend will magically fix their lives? Oh I know the answer, when I was much younger and less mature I thought that way. The right girl was going to make me happy and make my life perfect. I didn't need to change my life just get the right girl... Of course you'll end up sad time and time again until you get your own poo poo straightened out, and learn not to give a gently caress. I'm far from a model here but seriously finding a women will not solve your problems. Women can be a supplement to making your life happier but not the sole focus.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 04:47 |
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DropsySufferer posted:Why is that every broken male goon believes having a girlfriend will magically fix their lives? It's not so much about having a girlfriend for me. For me, it's more like wanting to know what it's like to be desired so I can stop feeling like an ugly and unlovable freak. If I got in a relationship, it would be proof there is hope for me 
Wicker Man fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 05:20 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 05:17 |
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^You gotta stop relying on external validation, man. I'm working on this myself.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 05:20 |
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Wicker Man posted:It's not so much about having a girlfriend for me. For me, it's more like wanting to know what it's like to be desired so I can stop feeling like an ugly and unlovable freak. If I got in a relationship, it would be proof there is hope for me This isn't where I'm at, necessarily. I think I'm probably hanging too much on a relationship, but not 100% for validation from others and the like, but more so that I have a connection to the world outside of this town, I guess, if that makes any sense. Like, right now I'm okay not being in a relationship and talking to girls and the like, though I'd like to get laid and stuff, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to that not only do I get along with, but lives nearby and that I can actually hang out with when I get to the city. I think when the depression hits it's a lot more for feeling wanted and all that, but I at least know in my highs that I'm not undesirable or horrible or whatever. I think it probably mostly boils down to getting the gently caress out of my head, where my inner critic lives, and that's probably the solution to a lot of cases of depression. :/
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 05:49 |
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College Ruled posted:No. Quite the opposite, in fact. I also doubt exercise is causing this issue. If your mood is in a steady decline, I would consider going and talking to someone in a professional capacity. You don't have to immediately ask for  . There are lots of things that professionals can do in a talk therapy capacity that can help you figure out the root of the problem & progress toward the state where you want to be. Jesus H. Christ posted:it would be nice to have someone to talk to that not only do I get along with, but lives nearby and that I can actually hang out with when I get to the city. You can do that without it being a dating relationship.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 15:12 |
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OP do you ever suggest meeting any of these OKC girls at any point or do you just text message with them into oblivion until they inevitably get bored and stop texting you? That's not you, it's people getting bored with texting. No girl is waiting with bated breath by her cell phone just to exhale with delight when Jesus H. Christ finally replies to her. Girls on OKC are no different than any girl you meet in real life--they have lives, they are busy with work or school, they are out with their friends, etc. Their sole purpose isn't to text you back. Let's not forget how even marginally attractive girls on OKC are getting lambasted with messages and chat requests from horny dudes, at least one of which I bet exudes more confidence than you. That said, a couple other comments mentioned your location sucking, much like my situation last year in Georgia deep in the Bible belt. Twenty-one year-old girls with one or two four year-old kids and devout Christian beliefs were the norm on OKC in coastal Georgia. Look dude. You have worth as a human being and you have to believe that before you expect someone else to find worth in you, either in a romantic or platonic fashion. Therapy. More of it. Then even more. Never underestimate the value of talking to someone, even someone you don't know. Soon you will find a friend or two or three with whom you can talk about whatever when you get to GR, just be patient and quit holding such high expectations (don't say you don't have high expectations, you do and maybe you don't realize it). You say you know you're not hideous, repulsive, worthless or undesirable. You're not, so start believing that instead of just saying it, because if you believed it, you wouldn't have made this thread.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 15:44 |
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meanieface posted:If your mood is in a steady decline, I would consider going and talking to someone in a professional capacity. You don't have to immediately ask for I set up an appointment shortly after my second post. I'm noticing that I have a number of problems besides mood that are declining as well. My mood was the most noticable, but I'm feeling much more physically/mentally exhausted, encountering more muscle and joint pains, losing much of my ability to focus, and enduring more intense bouts of insomnia. I've been able to self-medicate these symptoms in the past, but they've now reached an intensity that I cannot counter without professional help.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 17:31 |
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Yea, those are pretty standard physical side-effects of depression.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 17:47 |
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meanieface posted:You can do that without it being a dating relationship. This is true. I thought about what to say to this (and the quoted below) for a few minutes and I guess I just feel like I'm finally over my old heartaches and I'm ready to be back on the horse, dating, etc., and it's a thing I really want. I'm not sure why I really want it, likely for validation, especially in terms of getting laid, but I'm definitely past where I was months ago when I was textspamming people where it pretty clearly wasn't going anywhere or working out. life is killing me posted:OP do you ever suggest meeting any of these OKC girls at any point or do you just text message with them into oblivion until they inevitably get bored and stop texting you? That's not you, it's people getting bored with texting. No girl is waiting with bated breath by her cell phone just to exhale with delight when Jesus H. Christ finally replies to her. Girls on OKC are no different than any girl you meet in real life--they have lives, they are busy with work or school, they are out with their friends, etc. Their sole purpose isn't to text you back. Let's not forget how even marginally attractive girls on OKC are getting lambasted with messages and chat requests from horny dudes, at least one of which I bet exudes more confidence than you. That said, a couple other comments mentioned your location sucking, much like my situation last year in Georgia deep in the Bible belt. Twenty-one year-old girls with one or two four year-old kids and devout Christian beliefs were the norm on OKC in coastal Georgia. Nope, I totally go for the gold as soon as it feels comfortable to. I'm over the novelty of internet and long-distance things, even though pretty much everyone I talk to would inherently count as a long-distance thing, but I always try to transition to Skype at least as soon as I can, then I test the waters for hanging out in person. Against all the odds, this has actually worked better than it probably has any reason to with me being so far away, and I've met like 8 or 9 girls off of this site in the span of a year or so. And yeah, I can definitely see that they'll be busy and I, being Internet Dude an Hour Away, won't take a big priority. I think it's less that I'm like a big deal to them or whatever and more that I ~could~ be if I was there, that I would be doing great if I was in the same stupid town as them and the frustration is what's bumming me out the most. As for my location, nobody in my town even shows up on OKC (that isn't a 0% match) and the closest ones are about 25-30 miles away. Still a sorta prohibitive distance to ask someone to drive to see me, but it's whatever. I appreciate you saying this. I'm in a good mood right now so I know I have self-worth and all that, it's just really killing me that I'm here and not around other people that I can use all this rad self-worth on, I guess. The "not hideous, repulsive..." bit was actually just me trying not to come off as a braggy douche in my E/N post, I'm pretty charming and cool and my biggest downfall is probably that I carry a bit of extra weight, though I'm working pretty hard to cut it. And oh my god if I could get to therapy again I wouldn't have had to post this thread I miss my therapist a lot, and I haven't seen her since I started this job. The killer is that this is the last busy period of my job that I'm trying to stay for to save money to move, and so I have literally no openings in my schedule to get to therapy, even if it feels almost necessary. Plus, my therapist is on indefinite hiatus as of a few months ago due to some tragedy that happened in her family. It feels like I have to try and treat myself for the time being, because Internet Therapy hasn't become a big thing yet. >:/
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 03:59 |
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Jesus H. Christ posted:And it really sucks that I feel so alone and lovely because I know I ~do~ things and have ~worth~ and stuff - I go to the gym every other day, I'm learning guitar, I sing, I (nerd alert) play fighting games competitively and do pretty well, I act, etc., but it's just like the depression hits and I feel like I'll never be good enough at any of it and nothing's ever going to happen. As you post, do you feel depressed? I ask because it seems like you've been able to marshal at least some of your energy into looking at your mood and its roots and implications, and taking these thoughts and putting them to word. Do you think of this as ~doing~ something important for what you're experiencing at that moment?
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 04:36 |
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Caufman posted:As you post, do you feel depressed? I ask because it seems like you've been able to marshal at least some of your energy into looking at your mood and its roots and implications, and taking these thoughts and putting them to word. Do you think of this as ~doing~ something important for what you're experiencing at that moment? I'm not completely sure I understand what you're asking, but to answer the first part, not right now, no, but it's really up and down. When I wrote the OP I was especially low, and the responses I've posted here are a mix. As for the second bit, I think I'm answering properly by saying that yes, I do think that reflecting on why I feel the way I feel is important, and I do it both while I'm in my depressive state and when I'm not. I mostly do it to try and rationalize my way out of the depression in the former case, and come up with ways to avoid the triggers to another depressive cycle (and generally keep myself as far away from feeling depressed) in the latter. Obvz it doesn't help much, but it feels like as productive a thing to be doing as any.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 05:02 |
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CuddleChunks posted:You put down acting as a hobby? Great, you already have the tools for being a lying rear end in a top hat please post an e/n thread about what an actor or actors did to you Oral Slither posted:^You gotta stop relying on external validation, man. I'm working on this myself. that's human nature dood
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 23:59 |
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| # ? May 18, 2013 19:39 |
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Raspy forgot posted:that's human nature dood Relying entirely upon it is not, not to mention your naturalistic fallacy
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| # ? Mar 10, 2013 00:52 |
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