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Hey everyone. Well I think I better start at the top, I am 23 years old white male from a good home (parents love each other and me, entire family gets along on very well, from what I can tell there is no seedy undercurrent of any description) but I have real problems with hating myself and possibly depression (though I did go to a new GP to get assessed for it and they did not think I was). It was all going rather well in my life, I have a good job, been talking to girls more, have great friends who I see often and I cook for myself and go to the gym. All in all things were going really well for me. I still do sometimes lie in my bed for a day or two and just browse forums, which i feel like I should cut back on, but in general everything was going really well. Until a couple of weeks back, I can't even remember what started the line of thought but the basic theme was "what if your a pedophile and don't know it?" I mean the entire thing is obviously ridiculous I have never imagined nor had any obvious inclinations towards young people in any sexual dimension, and yet I couldn't get the thought out of my head that I might (somehow, through loving magic I assume) be a potential abuser of children. It consumed my whole thought processes as I devoted more and more time trying to "prove" to myself that I wasn't. And yet it kept going round that I was. And by that point it had been going on for so long that it was obvious I was because normal people don't think about this sort of thing for so long you sick gently caress. And its really brought home to me how not okay I am, essentially I am just wondering if anyone has had anything like this happen to them, having one thought going round and round in their head that they just can't shake. Because this seems to be leading back into an old thought I keep having which is "You have no right to be upset about anything you fortunate loving poo poo". I know its not true by any stretch of the imagination, but I just can't seem to shake it. I am so sorry for taking up your time with this probable nonsense, I just wanted to put it down so that in a few years when I come back to this I can cringe and say "really, I wrote that?" Thank you for your time. Oh as an addendum I am as virginal as the driven snow and whilst I have lots of friends who are women I can have real difficulty in a romantic context due to lack of experience. Should have added that in first time, sorry! Josef bugman fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 19:59 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 19:47 |
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| # ? May 25, 2013 09:48 |
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You have Pure-O OCD. I mean, IANAD, but that's what you have, because I have it, too. Look it up on Wikipedia. Get specialized OCD therapy, specifically CBT and ERP. It gets better. Edit: Lemmie quote it. Wikipedia posted:Common intrusive thoughts/obsessions include themes of: Edit: OCD often hits in a "thunderclap" moment, wherein you can trace back to the moment your OCD "hit." I remember the exact way mine did, and before then I had never had anything of the like occur to me. bunnybean fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 20:05 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:02 |
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Josef bugman posted:Hey everyone. Go to another GP for a second opinion on the depression, just because the one you went to didn't think you were doesn't mean that judgement was accurate, be sure to disclose this fixation on negative thoughts and for what it's worth I think if you were a pedo you'd know, I don't doubt some get worse in an older age but I don't think it just manifests from nothing.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:07 |
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I was going to say OCD too. Sometimes the obsession is about bad things happening or bad thoughts from out of nowhere with no logical sense or grounding in reality. It doesn't always mean turning on and off a lightswitch 3 times every time you leave a room.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:07 |
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bunnybean posted:Edit: Lemmie quote it. Holy poo poo! That makes me feel a whole lot better. Seriously, Jesus Christ that makes me feel better. Its something that is "wrong" but its not my fault and it's something that other people have and then don't act on. gently caress me, that's a weight of my mind. Actually shaking with a bit of relief here.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:09 |
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Josef bugman posted:Holy poo poo! That makes me feel a whole lot better. Seriously, Jesus Christ that makes me feel better. Its something that is "wrong" but its not my fault and it's something that other people have and then don't act on. gently caress me, that's a weight of my mind. Actually shaking with a bit of relief here. You should probably still talk to your doctor about it.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:11 |
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Chiming in as another (medically diagnosed) obsessive compulsive - I find myself obsessing over things like this far too often. Go and speak to your doctor, explain you're having obsessive, intrusive thoughts and go from there. There is help out there. Go grab it. Wishing you luck.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:12 |
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bunnybean posted:You have Pure-O OCD. I mean, IANAD, but that's what you have, because I have it, too. Look it up on Wikipedia. Get specialized OCD therapy, specifically CBT and ERP. It gets better. Can you say it's OCD though if it's only been going on for a few weeks? I had a similar episode when I was really young. I grew up in a very fundamentalist home where taking "God's name in vain" (e.g., goddammit, god loving dammit, Christ on a pogo stick, Jehovah, etc) was a horrible sin. So for several weeks I had recurring obtrusive thoughts of me swearing in ways that involved God. Until I "confessed" and was told that it wasn't a big deal, and never had a recurring thought. OP, maybe all you need is to be convince that you are't a pedo. Since you can't seem to do this yourself, maybe try seeing a therapist, or even just a counselor. I wouldn't agree to any medication at this stage. Hating yourself is different. You might do that too though, who knows!
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:13 |
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Noblesse Obliged posted:You should probably still talk to your doctor about it. Fully intend to, I have been intending to get some psychological tests done for a while, if only because I frequently find myself doing things very oddly when I know I shouldn't, self-sabotage and all that sort of thing.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:13 |
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Josef bugman posted:Holy poo poo! That makes me feel a whole lot better. Seriously, Jesus Christ that makes me feel better. Its something that is "wrong" but its not my fault and it's something that other people have and then don't act on. gently caress me, that's a weight of my mind. Actually shaking with a bit of relief here. Marmalade Marinade posted:Can you say it's OCD though if it's only been going on for a few weeks? I had a similar episode when I was really young. I grew up in a very fundamentalist home where taking "God's name in vain" (e.g., goddammit, god loving dammit, Christ on a pogo stick, Jehovah, etc) was a horrible sin. So for several weeks I had recurring obtrusive thoughts of me swearing in ways that involved God. Until I "confessed" and was told that it wasn't a big deal, and never had a recurring thought.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:13 |
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bunnybean posted:OCD waxes and wanes; it can have the thunderclap then desist, coming back later or never coming back at all. You can be anywhere from "clinically fine" to "extreme," and you can move throughout the categories through time. This. This, this, this! I've had periods of time where my OCD has been absolutely controlled and others where I've felt like I was going out of my mind. There's not always a rhyme or reason to these things.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:19 |
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I think talking to you guys has helped a bit, I can't really talk about this with anyone in real life because who in the holy gently caress answers a question like that? I am just glad that it has a definite medical cause that can be treated through therapy instead of it being something that just happens and then you have to either get chemically castrated or play chicken with the bottom of a well. Thanks and sorry to bother you all, but this is one hell of a load of my mind. Josef bugman fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 20:23 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:21 |
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Josef bugman posted:I think talking to you guys has helped a bit, I can't really talk about this with anyone in real life because who in the holy gently caress answers a question like that? I am just glad that it has a definite medical cause that can be treated through therapy instead of it being something that just happens and then you have to either get chemically castrated or play chicken with the bottom of a well.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:24 |
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Josef bugman posted:I think talking to you guys has helped a bit, I can't really talk about this with anyone in real life because who in the holy gently caress answers a question like that? I am just glad that it has a definite medical cause that can be treated through therapy instead of it being something that just happens and then you have to either get chemically castrated or play chicken with the bottom of a well. It's only been advice here. It's not a medical diagnosis. Ask your doctor. Don't go in and say "DOC! I HAVE OCD! YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR IT!" Just describe your symptoms and let them figure it out.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:25 |
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Quixotic posted:Your story screams OCD, but you should know that people who are actually pedophiles don't need to kill themselves or get castrated. They simply must never, ever act on their desires in any way for their entire life. I believe the medical establishment is coming around to viewing it as a brain problem, rather than purely a moral failure. Oh, sorry! Yeah obviously, it leads back into something my friends were telling me a few years back that I tended to "overthink" everything and that "thoughts aren't actions", but I tend to live in my own head too much as it is. The more I talk the more OCD I sound, don't I? Noblesse Obliged posted:Don't go in and say "DOC! I HAVE OCD! YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR IT!" I am trying desperately to think how this can turn into a "doctor doctor" joke and I just can't manage it. Don't worry I have no intention of going "your finest pills my good man!" but its just helpful to be given an idea of what might be wrong with me, and help to prove to myself that this is something other people have struggled with. Josef bugman fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 20:34 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:32 |
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quote:I have never imagined nor had any obvious inclinations towards young people in any sexual dimension But seriously, everyone else saying OCD. Go with that. I've only had experiences with minor OCD problems like blinking and some other silly stuff, so I don't know the feeling. But what you're describing is textbook obsessive compulsive. Tell your doctor. There are lots of ways to help deal with OCD. Medication, thought or breathing exercises, etc.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:39 |
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rizuhbull posted:It's funny. Child molesters say the same thing. ... Please don't say that  I'll start cacking myself again.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:41 |
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Sometimes people who were abused as a child grow up with the worry that they too will become abusers, apparently. You don't have to tell us if you were abused but if you were it might be something for you to think about. I'm all neurotic and OCDish with my thoughts and it's way worse when I'm tired and stressed. Feeling tired and stressed?Josef bugman posted:I'll start cacking myself again. As a sidenote, are you Welsh? I've never heard anyone say this outside of Wales.
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| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:27 |
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Tibor posted:Feeling tired and stressed? Not as much as I was, its just a relief to find that this is not just something that has happened to me, I mean if its something that has happened to other people it becomes something ignorable and "normal" almost, its just something that happens and will pass, like everything else. And thank you for asking, but to the best of my self knowledge I was never abused or mistreated, its another reason I tend to feel guilty about all of this, because there are people who would kill to have my life and don't, whilst I just don't have all that much motivation to "be" anything. But that's more of a philosophical as opposed to a psychological question. Nah, my grandad was though so I may have picked it up from there. Josef bugman fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 22:43 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:36 |
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I actually suffered from exactly the same thoughts a couple of years ago (and I am definitely not a child molester!!), so I can understand how horrible it is to deal with. I also remember the huge amounts of relief I felt when I read about other people experiencing the same thing. You should definitely seek treatment for it, CBT is apparently very good. I would also say, that for me the best thing was to stop trying to 'prove' anything to myself and to stop thinking in circles all the time. I know that that is much easier said than done, but a good distraction can do wonders to break the cycle of rumination. I also used to look stuff up on the internet to find answers and I found that stopping this really helped, so if you do that, try not to! Obviously I am not a doctor or a professional of any kind and you should definitely seek qualified help, but I thought that since I experienced exactly the same thoughts I could share what I found helpful.  Also, if you have Welsh family, are you in the UK? Might make a bit of difference if people give any US-specific advice at all.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:23 |
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Just so everyone knows this is also the guy who was not sure whether or not he hallucinated helping to organize a gang surprise sex when he was in high school and who expressed a desire to get a woman pregnant so that he could drop the baby off at his mother's house as a "do-over" child. Josef bugman appears to have some serious mental issues that probably go beyond OCD and he really needs professional help. EDIT: Never mind, that was Jon Pop. Sorry. squeegee fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 00:43 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:30 |
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squeegee posted:Just so everyone knows this is also the guy who was not sure whether or not he hallucinated helping to organize a gang surprise sex when he was in high school and who expressed a desire to get a woman pregnant so that he could drop the baby off at his mother's house as a "do-over" child. Josef bugman appears to have some serious mental issues that probably go beyond OCD and he really needs professional help. Pardon?! I most certainly did not, for one thing I went to an all boys secondary comprehensive, not a high school and for another my parents are both still together (thus meaning a lack of "moms house" as distinct to "home") and have a younger sibling. I am fairly sure I have not thought this even remotely, could you provide me with links to this? If I have said anything like this its absolutely horrifying! Josef bugman fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 00:38 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:35 |
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Josef bugman posted:Pardon?! Sorry, I somehow got you mixed up with poster Jon Pop. Your username was really familiar to me for some reason and your OP was pretty similar to the first thread Jon Pop posted, so I was sure it was you. My bad.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:42 |
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squeegee posted:Just so everyone knows this is also the guy who was not sure whether or not he hallucinated helping to organize a gang surprise sex when he was in high school and who expressed a desire to get a woman pregnant so that he could drop the baby off at his mother's house as a "do-over" child. Josef bugman appears to have some serious mental issues that probably go beyond OCD and he really needs professional help. That was Jon Pop, right? edit: John Pop and his subsequent accounts, what a weirdo.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:42 |
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squeegee posted:Sorry, I somehow got you mixed up with poster Jon Pop. Your username was really familiar to me for some reason and your OP was pretty similar to the first thread Jon Pop posted, so I was sure it was you. My bad. I named myself after a warhammer character, maybe that is it? Plus the other guys name is reasonably similar to mine. And I am sorry to have a writing style that is so similar to this other person, did he ever get any psychotherapy? I take it from your comments that he didn't. And yes I am from the UK. Josef bugman fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 00:50 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:45 |
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Josef bugman posted:I named myself after a warhammer character, maybe that is it? Plus the other guys name is reasonably similar to mine. And I am sorry to have a writing style that is so similar to this other person, did he ever get any psychotherapy? I'm also in the UK and just about to start a course of CBT - I believe you can get something like 14 sessions on the NHS. The process for me was possibly a little easier, as I've a longstanding diagnosis of OCD/anxiety/a few other things, but I just spoke to my GP on the subject, she confirmed it seemed like a useful path to try and I had a preliminary assessment with the therapist a few months later. After that, there was another few months wait for said therapist to get a free spot in her schedule, but now I'll be going once a week for up to 14(?) weeks. I'm told that, depending on location, the quality of CBT can vary wildly thanks to Tory spending cuts on mental health services. If you and your GP decide it's worth pursuing CBT, find out if you'll be working with a therapist or getting stuck in front of a computer program like MoodGym - I poo poo you not, that constitutes mental health treatment in some areas. Good luck!
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:59 |
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Bad Roy posted:I'm also in the UK and just about to start a course of CBT - I believe you can get something like 14 sessions on the NHS. The process for me was possibly a little easier, as I've a longstanding diagnosis of OCD/anxiety/a few other things, but I just spoke to my GP on the subject, she confirmed it seemed like a useful path to try and I had a preliminary assessment with the therapist a few months later. After that, there was another few months wait for said therapist to get a free spot in her schedule, but now I'll be going once a week for up to 14(?) weeks. I think I'll have a try of mood gym alongside any psychotherapy I end up going into. And I am in London, so "a few months" might be the shortest waiting time I ever get, I just hope the services haven't been too slashed. How would I get a diagnosis? Would it be like the depression or anxiety ones and I have to fill in a form, or is it more rigorous?
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:06 |
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Bad Roy posted:If you and your GP decide it's worth pursuing CBT, find out if you'll be working with a therapist or getting stuck in front of a computer program like MoodGym - I poo poo you not, that constitutes mental health treatment in some areas.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:23 |
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At least in the US, saying something like "I have persistent intrusive thoughts that make me feel shame and self-disgust. The thoughts come out of nowhere. For instance, the other morning I was cooking an egg and I suddenly thought 'What if I'm a pedophile?' and I worried about that off and on for six hours" is a good way to open the discussion. Giving specifics about content, frequency, and duration of the thoughts is helpful to the doc. Don't know if intake interviews for mental health work the same way in the UK, though. I have a friend with intrusive-thought OCD who obsesses about being racist---he is white, and his parents were notable in the movement for black civil rights in the US. His therapist thinks that the content of his intrusive thoughts is shaped by "what's the worst thing you could be?" which in his family was "a racist". A lot of people with intrusive OCD obsess about whether they're rapists or murderers or pedophiles for probably similar reasons, I would think. Best of luck in getting good treatment and getting through this!
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:36 |
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Oral Slither posted:Don't knock MoodGym - I had panic attacks from a variety of poo poo for 13 years, and they stopped completely after I went through the course. Just from the program itself? AlbieQuirky posted:I have a friend with intrusive-thought OCD who obsesses about being racist---he is white, and his parents were notable in the movement for black civil rights in the US. His therapist thinks that the content of his intrusive thoughts is shaped by "what's the worst thing you could be?" which in his family was "a racist". A lot of people with intrusive OCD obsess about whether they're rapists or murderers or pedophiles for probably similar reasons, I would think. Sometimes I get worried around black people that I’ll suddenly blurt out a racial slur. I don’t mean the sitcom-type awkwardness where a white character says something that could be construed as racist, I mean something like calling them the n-word instead of by their name. Also, if I’m up high sometimes I’ll get worried that I’ll suddenly get an urge to jump off the edge. Benny Harvey fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 01:47 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:39 |
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I used to worry about this too same out of no where way and everything, and I work around children so I was like way weirded out. I freaked out a bit for a few weeks then it just kinda faded on its own cause I have 0 interest in children. I totally forgot about it until I read your post. Hopefully yours will fade too.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:57 |
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Benny Harvey posted:Just from the program itself? I have since found a badass therapist and we're working on my social anxiety and other issues.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 02:29 |
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vvv Jesus, fine, point taken.
Pollyanna fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 06:04 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 03:30 |
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I get that I set a bad example by firstposting an internet diagnosis, but for the love of god, can we get people to stop diagnosing themselves ITT? Your idiosyncrasies and personality quirks are not OCD. Everybody calm down.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 05:25 |
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bunnybean posted:I get that I set a bad example by firstposting an internet diagnosis, but for the love of god, can we get people to stop diagnosing themselves ITT? Your idiosyncrasies and personality quirks are not OCD. Everybody calm down.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 05:28 |
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It doesn't matter what you are - it matters what you do (thx batman). If you don't molest children, you aren't a pedophile, so don't worry about it (and continue not molesting them). If a hypothetical dude molested a child, then even if he never had sexual thoughts towards them, he would be a pedophile. So don't worry so much about what you are. To be completely honest you probably aren't busy enough. You need something towards which you can direct your thoughts - something you want to get done - so that you don't obsess so much about what you are. Because it doesn't matter what you are, it has no impact on anybody (except to the extent to which if effects what you do). If you want help changing your thought patterns, there are professionals who can help you do that if you want to make use of them. No Wave fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 06:38 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 06:36 |
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Josef bugman posted:I still do sometimes lie in my bed for a day or two and just browse forums, which i feel like I should cut back on That is a good thought, which you should follow up on. I think a lot of the other sensible advice has already been posted, but it all seems to start with getting a second opinion on your mental health from a GP. No-one here is an expert, but whatever you call it you're obviously thinking yourself into a miserable state here and it can't be healthy. It might be worth bearing in mind that your average NHS GP sits in a little office all day seeing a lot of people who have very obvious physical illnesses the response to which is also fairly obvious. Where you haven't got such an obvious illness, you may have to be a bit more persuasive/persistent to get them to agree to some kind of treatment. Don't start quoting stuff from the internet at them, though, as doctors also get to see lots of self-diagnosing cranks and that understandably pisses them off.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 11:52 |
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Absolutely didn't intend to knock MoodGym, just think it's slightly ludicrous that some people end up seeing a computer screen when they're led to believe they'll get a therapist. Things are going downhill fast in the NHS mental health department thanks to our current government.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 12:11 |
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http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2...self-help-books As much as I distrust anything from Cameron, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad idea as long as they don’t try it for people at risk of suicide. That said, they’re not even going to give the books out (or make some kind of booklets), people are going to have to wait on them becoming available from the library.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 13:23 |
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| # ? May 25, 2013 09:48 |
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Benny Harvey posted:Sometimes I get worried around black people that I’ll suddenly blurt out a racial slur. I don’t mean the sitcom-type awkwardness where a white character says something that could be construed as racist, I mean something like calling them the n-word instead of by their name. Also, if I’m up high sometimes I’ll get worried that I’ll suddenly get an urge to jump off the edge. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Imp_of_the_Perverse
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 13:48 |
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