|
Our relationship was born from mutual intrigue. We're both members of some silly Internet forums dedicated to a silly Internet game. We talked for years before we decided to get into a relationship. I felt like I already knew a lot about her already so it wasn't much of a decision for me to pick my life up and move 1500 miles to be with her. We've been dating for about a year, although I have done a fair bit of business-related travel in that time. We have tons of common interests, we're comfortable around each other and we have practically nothing to fight about. We're both in agreement that this is getting to be a pretty serious relationship with lots of long-term potential. I've asked her to move in with me but she's reluctant. She says she'd rather wait to be married to someone before moving in with them. To me, this is an old-fashioned notion. I'm keenly aware of the fact that getting along with someone for short periods of time and getting along with someone all the time are different things. It's a mistake I've made before -- one that resulted in a terrible marriage and lots of heartache. I've tried to explain my position on the matter but I'm not sure whether it's an articulation problem or I'm just fighting a losing battle. E/N: I could use some advice.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:18 |
|
|
|
| # ? May 23, 2013 15:22 |
|
|
There is nothing we can do for you. Talk to your girlfriend. If she feels strongly on this, then it's no use, and pushing it too far will only damage the relationship.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:20 |
|
|
It may be old-fashion and mean nothing to you, but it's real to her. I'd either drop it, or ask her to elaborate a bit more on why she doesn't want to (only to understand her better, even once she does, don't push for it).
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:30 |
|
|
As is usually the case, it's better to ask why she wants things a certain way rather than ask how you can change what she wants. Find out her motivations. It might be "old fashioned" attitudes, or it may be something else. She may just be fishing for an excuse to avoid moving in. There's only one way to find out, and it's the ol' E/N rule, talk to your significant other.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:32 |
|
|
Quixotic posted:As is usually the case, it's better to ask why she wants things a certain way rather than ask how you can change what she wants. Find out her motivations. It might be "old fashioned" attitudes, or it may be something else. She may just be fishing for an excuse to avoid moving in. There's only one way to find out, and it's the ol' E/N rule, talk to your significant other. As usual, Quixotic is SA Best Poster. I came to post exactly this. (Also, Quixotic, I'm curious as to your reactions to Seth McFarlane's Boob Song, and I don't have PM, sorry for derail, thread!)
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:43 |
|
|
ElMao posted:As usual, Quixotic is SA Best Poster. I came to post exactly this.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:54 |
|
|
Sorry OP you can't tell her how to live her life, even if it does make more sense to you. You will have to decide if you want to marry her or not I guess. Tell her about your previous experience and ask her why she feels the way she does.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 20:55 |
|
|
She doesn't want to move in with you right now, which is perfectly fine! If you continue to not respect that, you'll be on the fast train to poo poo city in no time.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:00 |
|
|
Attempt the bower bird gambit. Get yourself a nice place. I'm talking nice. Decorate it tastefully. Demonstrate over a period of weeks or months that you can maintain your nice place in its niceness. Cooking, cleaning, alla dat. Then, when she comes to inspect your crib, do a seductive dance. In all seriousness, why doesn't she want to play house? Are you a manchild and she doesn't want to be your live in housekeeper/cook/alarm clock? Are her parents in a position to put unpleasant pressure on her for being a slutty living together outside of marriage slut? Personally, I wouldn't consider proposing to anybody I hadn't played house with for a couple years. Though the statistics seem to indicate that not hating eachother as roomates doesn't really improve overall marriage outcomes. Slo-Tek fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 21:46 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:06 |
|
|
Like another poster said, the notion is old-fashioned and you may think it's silly, but there are plenty of people who still feel that way. It could be a religious thing or cultural thing, but it isn't a silly thing to believe in. My boyfriend had a hell of a time getting me to move in with him until one day I realized I was spending so much time there that I basically lived there without most of my things. Maybe that'll happen for you. However there's no way you can convince her, and you shouldn't be trying to convince her. It's a decision she needs to come to without pressure or she'd just resent you, and if it's a deal breaker for you, then that's okay too, you know.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:10 |
|
|
hohum posted:Our relationship was born from mutual intrigue. We're both members of some silly Internet forums dedicated to a silly Internet game. We talked for years before we decided to get into a relationship. I felt like I already knew a lot about her already so it wasn't much of a decision for me to pick my life up and move 1500 miles to be with her. Dating for "about a year" isn't terribly long in the grand scheme of things, and there are plenty of couples who don't feel ready to cohabitate at that point for reasons that aren't old-fashioned at all. Since the friendship you had prior to your relationship was long-distance and you've done a fair amount of traveling since, she may still be getting used to being with you in person and doesn't want to move too quickly. Talk to her about it. Tell her that it's OK if she doesn't feel comfortable with living together yet and that you'll table the discussion for a while. Is there a chance she may be using this request as leverage to get you to propose? This is nothing but wild speculation on my part, so please don't confront her with that possibility unless there are other, stronger signs you haven't told us about. Have the two of you seriously discussed marriage before, and is it something that's a bigger priority for her than for you? Does she seem old-fashioned about relationships in general, or is that just an assumption you made when she said no to moving in together? For what it's worth, I think it's a big risk to marry someone you've never lived with before. I've had a couple of relationships end because cohabitating made it clear that we weren't compatible partners, and that's something we might not have discovered until it was too late if we hadn't spent a few months in the same apartment while we were dating. PurePerfection fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 21:22 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:18 |
|
|
Before I got married, I felt the same as her. I thought that things should progress in a certain manner. Then I got married and all that got squashed. So now a divorce later, I would never marry anyone else without living together first. So I get you OP, but that doesn't really help you. She hasn't experienced the things that you have, so you have to cut her some slack. I echo the others in that you need to ask her what her reasons are and you have to respect them. You may also want to ask her what her other values/morals are because there may be more you don't know. That kind of poo poo can really get in the way of a healthy relationship, especially over time. My paranoid self thinks she may also be looking for a way to get you to marry her. So be careful of that too if you aren't ready. For your next relationship, you may want to bring this type of thing up earlier if it means that much to you. I did and it made things much easier.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:27 |
|
|
Mayor_McCheese posted:
Glad I'm not the only paranoid here  Seconding the bring it up early part to avoid this situation in the future. That said, it's not too late to talk about each of your expectations. If not living together while you're dating means that you're never going to be comfortable getting married again, she has a right to know that, especially if marriage is something that's important to her. Edit: I think the most important thing right now is to figure out whether "I don't want to live together before I'm married" is her honest perspective on the situation, or if it just seemed a kinder reason to give than "I don't want to move in with you right now." Make sure she knows that either way, you won't judge her or take offense. PurePerfection fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 21:36 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:33 |
|
|
The points about backing off and respecting her beliefs are well taken -- and it is a cultural thing. It's something he parents have driven into her.Slo-Tek posted:Attempt the bower bird gambit. This is kind of a really good idea. She spends nights with me; but she hates my current place for various reasons, though mostly because it's in a ghetto. I have maintained absolutely no standard of living for myself because I made the move thinking "this is temporary and we're going to get a place together." Slo-Tek posted:In all seriousness, why doesn't she want to play house? Are you a manchild and she doesn't want to be your live in housekeeper/cook/alarm clock? No. I'm pretty clean and responsible. When I'm not on the road I work from home, so I'm good about rolling out of bed at a decent hour too. Slo-Tek posted:Are her parents in a position to put unpleasant pressure on her for being a slutty living together outside of marriage slut? Yes. And her mom already don't like me. But her dad is kind of a cool dude. PurePerfection posted:Is there a chance she may be using this request as leverage to get you to propose? If that's her agenda, it wouldn't bother me. But she also straight up tells me what she wants. As long as I've known her she's never gone about things covertly. PurePerfection posted:Have the two of you seriously discussed marriage before Yes PurePerfection posted:and is it something that's a bigger priority for her than for you? No. Except for the fact that not loving up a second marriage is high on my priority list. I don't want to be a serial divorcee.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 21:53 |
|
|
hohum posted:The points about backing off and respecting her beliefs are well taken -- and it is a cultural thing. It's something he parents have driven into her. hohum posted:Except for the fact that not loving up a second marriage is high on my priority list. I don't want to be a serial divorcee. Agreed that you need to get a decent apartment and show her you can take care of it.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:02 |
|
|
hohum posted:The points about backing off and respecting her beliefs are well taken -- and it is a cultural thing. It's something he parents have driven into her. Ah yes, well that would be a hard thing to break free of. One side of my family is hardcore italian. My cousin was dating a girl for, god I dunno, 7 years (I'm not sure why he never proposed, but they broke up eventually anyway for an unrelated reason) But she told me that if she were to move out before getting married her father would kill her (not literally of course). My dad kind of felt this way, too, but after my sister did it and he got over it, it wasn't an issue anymore. I personally wouldn't want to marry someone I hadn't lived with yet, either. In fact, my relationship got a million times better when we moved in together.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:17 |
|
|
Get a decent 2BR in a part of town that doesn't scare her. Should do that anyway. Then, when the time is right, and since you were thinking about it anyway, propose. A 2br with a Fiance may be traditional and serious-business enough and plausibly deniable enough that she and her folks will be more ok with it than just shacking up because you are banging. I'd probably make clear that you're looking at a long-term engagement, because you've only been dating for a year, no hurry on that. This assumes that she desperately wants to be the future Mrs. Hohum, and is just getting tripped up with cultural norms and expectations. If she isn't 100% about you, then this could be way high pressure, and even if it 'works' it won't work well or for long. You really really don't want to put somebody on the getting married track if they aren't sure they want to be there, because that builds up a lot of momentum, and marrying somebody you hate because you already sent out the invites happens more often than you would hope. Slo-Tek fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2013 around 22:38 |
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:36 |
|
|
hohum posted:This is kind of a really good idea. She spends nights with me; but she hates my current place for various reasons, though mostly because it's in a ghetto. I used to live in an Eastern European ghetto when going to Rutgers; the houses were lovely, people very nice but you could never sleep in on a Sunday because of all the drat churches ringing their bells. Is your ghetto like that?
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:40 |
|
|
OP, why do you want to live with your girlfriend?
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 22:43 |
|
|
Slo-Tek posted:Attempt the bower bird gambit. Dude bowerbird's live in piles of twigs and reeds. While I am indeed impressed by their ability to gather random things and put them into neat little piles on the ground, I would not want to move in with one.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 23:24 |
|
|
Earwicker posted:Dude bowerbird's live in piles of twigs and reeds. While I am indeed impressed by their ability to gather random things and put them into neat little piles on the ground, I would not want to move in with one. Sounds better than the OP"s place. I wouldn't want to move in with a manchild slob living in a dump either.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 23:32 |
|
|
"How do I convince my girlfriend to move in with me? Btw I live in the ghetto and she hates my place." You need to have a decent place. She thinks, totally reasonably, that your current standard of living is something that you're okay with, not something that's going to change completely. If her concern is due to not wanting to live in a shithole, and it at least partially is, demonstrate your ability to not live in a shithole. That probably isn't the only thing, but it is step #1. I also think it's perfectly reasonable not to move in with a partner you've only known for under a year. At that point you just don't have the full picture. There are probably still more factors -- I also wouldn't move in with someone unless it was engagement-level serious, for what it's worth -- but keeping a decent place and giving it time will cross off two huge issues.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 23:39 |
|
|
You should probably stop being lazy and keep your place clean. She probably looks at the mess, goes "yeah if I move in with him I'm basically going to become his maid" and gives you some other non-confrontational reason for not wanting to move in. Prove you're worth living with first and maybe she'll come around.
|
| # ? Mar 1, 2013 23:55 |
|
|
BoogerPrincess posted:OP, why do you want to live with your girlfriend? He answered this. Op, I wouldn't want to marry someone I had never lived with. Especially so if I had already been divorced. I can't blame you at all for wanting to take her for a living test drive before marrying. The guy who posted that you could perhaps compromise by at some point becoming engaged, and then moving in prior to marriage, isn't a bad idea. Seems like it could be a good compromise. I have a friend who not only bought a house with his girlfriend prior to marriage, but the whole living arrangement was weird and kind of hidden from her parents, I think, until they were actually married. It was a weird situation. Thankfully my and my wife's parents weren't all old fashioned like that.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:14 |
|
|
Slo-Tek posted:Get a decent 2BR in a part of town that doesn't scare her. Should do that anyway. Since you have already discussed marriage and aren't opposed to it, I think this is a great idea. Get a better place, propose and live together for a bit as 'engaged' folks. Test it out for a year or so (a typical engagement length) and go from there. She won't feel like she is disrespecting her family, her parents will think you have your 'head on straight' and you get to live with someone before marrying again. Might just work. It worked for my cousin who just married a very Catholic girl.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:30 |
|
|
Maybe try getting her stay more than a few nights? Co-habitation can go a long way. Though really, clean up your act and make your place sparkle. It should ease her. Unless she was strict gender rolls instilled in her. If that's the case you might have better luck handing her a broom and directing her to the kitchen telling her that a sandwich would be great about now. Best of luck OP!
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:37 |
|
|
He already said he keeps it tidy in there.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 00:53 |
|
|
I would NEVER want to move to a really bad neighborhood if I could afford it, no matter how much I loved whoever I was going to move in with. Getting catcalled every day is just not worth it. Move to a less crappy place and then ask again. If she says no, then welp, at least you don't live in the ghetto anymore. Personally I wouldn't want to move in with my boyfriend if I'd only been dating him a year either. You have to preserve SOME mystique.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:00 |
|
|
Start mailing her pictures of your dick, so she realises that there will always be dick on demand if you cohabit.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 01:03 |
|
|
Xibanya posted:I would NEVER want to move to a really bad neighborhood if I could afford it, no matter how much I loved whoever I was going to move in with. Getting catcalled every day is just not worth it. Why not just ask if it is in any/all part because of the neighborhood?
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 04:21 |
|
|
showbiz_liz posted:Maybe her parents did 'drive it into' her, but she's a big girl now. Saying it like that denies her agency to make her own decisions. Part of respecting her is going to involve seeing this as HER choice, not some stupid trivial issue that's all in her head because her parents put it there. Exactly. Maybe her parents did influence her take on living together. That's good; that's what parents are supposed to do. But I didnt read anything that indicates that it's not how she feels, too. She wants to get married first. Old fashioned as that may be, people feel strongly about it and that's fine. I think it's old fashioned that women change their names upon marriage without really thinking about it first, but people do it, and that's fine too, and who am I to try to convince a woman to not do it? This is important to her, and for you to try to convince her to change her mind about it is demeaning something that's important to her. I agree with the bulk of E/N that you need to talk to her. Ask her for her reasons why she wants what she wants, and you tell her yours, then come to an understanding. It sounds like you guys communicate pretty well, so this shouldn't be too hard. I understand your fears about "ruining" a second marriage, and while I've never been married, I don't think living together first will solve that.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 04:23 |
|
|
What the hell is the rush? You've known this girl IRL for less than a year, chill out. Sure you should maybe upgrade your apartment or whatever, but do it for yourself. Not for her.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 04:24 |
|
|
Give me her phone number and your name, date of birth, and social security number, and I will call her and convince her to move in with you.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 04:40 |
|
|
Get her pregnant. I mean, duh.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 05:39 |
|
|
party hat posted:Like another poster said, the notion is old-fashioned and you may think it's silly, but there are plenty of people who still feel that way. It could be a religious thing or cultural thing, but it isn't a silly thing to believe in. My heavily heavily pregnant girlfriend would not move in with me till we were married.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 06:48 |
|
|
Continue pressuring her relentlessly. Its the only way.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 14:35 |
|
|
I couldn't help'st but chortle in merriment upon thine predicaments. Verily, doth must impregnate thine plucky maiden... she will then permit you to dwell in her castle. She will henceforth bear you an heir and cementeth thine family name upon the passage of the ages.― Geoffrey Chaucer, Troilus and Criseyde posted:“Ne nevere mo ne lakked hire pite; amp281 fucked around with this message at Mar 2, 2013 around 15:00 |
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 14:46 |
|
|
amp281 posted:I couldn't help'st but chortle in merriment upon thine predicaments. Verily, doth must impregnate thine plucky maiden... she will then permit you to dwell in her castle. She will henceforth bear you an heir and cementeth thine family name upon the passage of the ages.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 15:06 |
|
|
I'm not sure why you regard this as "old fashioned". I kept a separate residence from my now-husband early in our relationship because I didn't want to financially and domestically tie myself to someone until I was really really sure he was *the one*. To me it sounds like strength of character and maturity on her part while you sound like a whiny man-child that can't wait to have maid service.
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 16:19 |
|
|
|
| # ? May 23, 2013 15:22 |
|
|
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:I'm not sure why you regard this as "old fashioned". I kept a separate residence from my now-husband early in our relationship because I didn't want to financially and domestically tie myself to someone until I was really really sure he was *the one*.  I wonder why something that was much more common during our parents/grandparents generation and much less common now is considered old fashioned. A real puzzler, that one. quote:To me it sounds like strength of character and maturity on her part while you sound like a whiny man-child that can't wait to have maid service. I think this is an oddly specific analysis for only 2 posts by the OP, neither of which indicate any of this. What are the ages involved OP?
|
| # ? Mar 2, 2013 17:32 |
|
