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JAE The boy finally got the house to himself for a few nights. This wasn’t particularly exciting or thrilling, but it was nice to just be at home alone for a few days. His mother and father were on a business trip. His little brother was on vacation. His little sister was at their aunt’s. He was alone. It was nice. Tranquil. He never really liked going out, so it was a refreshing turn of events to be alone in the quiet house after the constant noise of his family. He almost considered it practice for when he inevitably moved out on his own. This thought made him smile a bit to himself. He popped a bag of popcorn and found a DVD to watch. After choosing an action flick, he made his way back to his room and shut the door. He almost considered opening it again as there was no one else in the house and he had no family to close himself away from, but he shrugged and popped the DVD into the player and sat down to enjoy. After the movie was finished, he felt a little bored. He was alone in the house so he had no real obligations, responsibilities or even anyone to shoo out of his room. He felt a slight wave of loneliness. He shrugged and went to pop another bag of popcorn. He opened his door to almost complete blackness. Usually, someone else in the house would have a light on or something, but tonight what greeted him was a void that was the hallway to the living area. He sighed. Since he was a little kid, he’d never been too good at dealing with the dark. He wasn’t particularly afraid of it anymore, just…nervous. He shook his apprehension away and stepped forward into the hallway. He made it a point to leave his light on so he could easily make his way back to his own room when he was done with his errand. As he walked, he realized how unsettling his new home could be in the dark. The hallway was too long to carry what little light spilled from the small lamp in his bedroom. He walked deeper and deeper into nothingness. The ground seemed almost to shift beneath him as he stumbled into the light-less air. His shoulder bumped against the wall and startled him. He noticed that he could see almost nothing at all. He remarked aloud that he didn’t remember this hallway being so insufferably long. He was only scaring himself. He was at home. All the doors were locked. All of the windows were closed. He was safe and secure. It was only a little dark. That’s all. He finally made it to the living area. The walls around him pulled away as he left the hallway. The kitchen would be on the right, but all he could see at this point was blankness. He shuffled his hand across the wall searching for the light switch. Slowly at first, but his hand never made contact with the familiar plastic cover. He swatted at the wall. His hand making a deafening sound as it ran frantically across the plaster and paint. Painfully, his finger struck the side of the light switch. In a quiet sigh of relief, he flicked the switch. He flicked it again. He flicked it again. And again. Nothing. Slight panic filled his breast as he heard the familiar hum of the ceiling fan. He decided to try his luck and make his way blindly to the string on the light itself to turn it on. He had to find a way to banish the darkness. He took a step and flailed blindly at the nothingness. Slowly, he took more and more steps as he reached upward toward the breeze that the fan was stirring. The breeze was getting a little stronger now. He was sure he was near the center of the room. He could almost feel the string. Something was with him now. He could feel its presence with him. It’s breathing behaving deceptively like the breeze of the fan. It was the dark. He knew it was. The darkness stood in front of him. He couldn’t see it, but he knew it was towering in front of him. The blackness stood staring into him causing a sensation of cold to reverberate through him. It grabbed his waist and pulled him toward it. Into it. He had no way to fight. He saw nothing. He felt nothing but he could feel the abyss dragging him deeper and deeper into absolute blindness. He was powerless to stop it. He descended slowly into the void as he felt it engulf him. As his upper body bent in protest of the violent pulling, he heard his neck crack a bit. Almost a snapping noise. He was sure it was over. He felt almost blissful. He was happy he felt no pain. He was comfortable. He let it swallow him as he lost everything he thought he knew. He woke up in the hospital. His eyes darted around the bright hospital room at his family and a doctor he didn’t know. He panicked and screamed about the darkness. How it would come back and how it was after him. They tried to tell him he had a grand mal seizure. They tried to tell him that his family found him in the living room floor. He knew the truth. He knew the darkness got him. He knew that by some miracle that he had gotten away. He knew it would be back for him.
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 08:19 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 03:42 |
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I liked the way this went, especially the ending. I really enjoy these sorts of short stories where the focus is on the emotional roller coaster a character goes through during a pivotal moment in their live. That being said, you do a lot of explaining that puts too much distance between the reader and your character's emotions and it's tamping the impact it could have on your reader. This is pretty much a 'show, don't tell' issue. That advice is done to death and it gets a little hard to judge where to show and where to tell, but it all comes down to the actions and emotions that impact the point of the overall story. Don't worry about these sorts of things when you're writing though, it's much easier to spot these things during editing when you already know the climax and ending of your story. Getting the story down to begin with is more important anyway. I'll show you a few examples: quote:He opened his door to almost complete blackness. Usually, someone else in the house would have a light on or something, but tonight what greeted him was a void that was the hallway to the living area. He sighed. Since he was a little kid, he’d never been too good at dealing with the dark. He wasn’t particularly afraid of it anymore, just…nervous. Since this is a story that is supposed to be about something scary that happens to the boy, it would be better for you to show us how he shuddered at that blackness. How it instantly sent him back to his childhood fear of being in a dark room all alone. "He sighed." isn't a very strong indicator of the uneasiness he felt stepping into that dark room. quote:He felt a slight wave of loneliness. quote:As he walked, he realized how unsettling his new home could be in the dark. Both of these are easy fixes. Just tell us straight out that "Without his parents there to give him chores or his sister to shoo out of the room, he felt a slight wave of loneliness." or "The house could be rather unsettling in the dark." quote:He remarked aloud that he didn’t remember this hallway being so insufferably long. He was only scaring himself. He was at home. All the doors were locked. All of the windows were closed. He was safe and secure. It was only a little dark. Here, the reader would get a better idea of his wavering confidence if you actually included the loud remark in dialogue. I also think you should include some dialogue in the ending paragraph of the story. That last quote brings me to another point: some parts get a little bit redundant and overly wordy. It can be tempting to go on and on about something you feel is important for lengthy paragraphs, but often the same point can come across in a more concise way. In the first paragraph for example, you use eleven sentences to tell us about the boy being alone. I think you could easily do this in three or four. You just need to establish that he is alone and the loneliness gives him a feeling of unease. In the overall point of the story, the loneliness in the beginning is just a portent of the event that is to happen later. It's all set up to the big event and it doesn't deserve equal screen time. quote:The darkness stood in front of him. He couldn’t see it, but he knew it was towering in front of him. The blackness stood staring into him causing a sensation of cold to reverberate through him. This is definitely a place where the distance between us and the action is hurting the story. You told me so much about how he felt and what was happening that I was unable to share the panic and confusion your character experienced in that moment. I wasn't there with him. Use more information about his sensations and perceptions. How did the cold sensation hit him? Was he shivering or was his skin clammy? What did he feel (in the tactile sense) when he let it swallow him? Did his body go limp? When it pulled at his waist, was he shaking? What could he hear when all this was going on? Was it a roaring sound or was there no sound at all? You can TELL me that he could feel the abyss dragging him deeper, but I have no idea what that means because I have no context. There's only scant sensory information for me to relate to. I can see that you tried to be ambiguous here, but the way you went about it just doesn't work. Going about it through sensations means that I can form my own conclusions on it rather than simply be told what to think. Exaggerate those elements until I am there with him. You should definitely work on a second draft for this one. It's a great little story, almost a sort of horror story. Lastly, out of curiosity, I was wondering why you called this JAE?
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| # ? Mar 2, 2013 18:38 |
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Thanks, a lot, man. I'll write up a second draft and post it soon. And "JAE" is an acronym for Juvenile Absentee Epilepsy. The story came about when I was trying to write something kind of creepy, but I couldn't figure out what the "monster" should be, but then I heard this song on my iPod and figured it would be an interesting twist.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 00:13 |
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Mode_Seven posted:Thanks, a lot, man. I'll write up a second draft and post it soon. Glad the advice helped! I like the novel way you approached the task of creepy. I think the sorts of 'monsters' we experience in reality can be ten times scarier than any giant lizard with twenty arms and eight inch teeth. Thanks for the song too. I've listened to it a few times now.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 04:19 |
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I think this is a subject that would be more interesting if it were purely factual, or based on a true story, because epilepsy itself isn't that exiting on it's own, to me. It works as a short story, but there's nothing to really add to make it longer. I agree with what Diseased Dick Guy said, plus perhaps the characters name would help, at least once, instead of the personal pronoun 'he' all the time.
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| # ? Mar 5, 2013 18:19 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 03:42 |
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Two issues I'm having with it: Right now this barely even a vignette. I think you could do something a lot more interesting with the idea of the darkness as a monster if you expand it a bit. First thing that came to mind is House of Leaves. I know goons are pretty divided in terms of opinion on that novel, but one thing it does very well is create this lingering sense of dread out of the narrator's fear of darkness. As in your story, it "comes alive" in his mind, and your story looks like it could go in a similar direction. Coming from the PoV of an epileptic child just gives you more potential for tension. Also, you have a problem with repetition, and if you cut it all out this story would be even shorter than it already is. What is mean is that you will say something, and then almost immediately restate it in different words. Your first nine sentences are all telling us that he is alone at home, and then you mention it again 2 or 3 times after that. It's way too much. You could condense it all into one quick, succinct sentence to set the stage for the action. Tell us he's alone, maybe give us a sentence about how it makes him feel, boom, done, move on to the juicy stuff. There is also repetition of certain words too near to one another. The word "pop" is a perfect example. He pops some popcorn, then pops in a DVD, then pops some more popcorn. Pare it down, find a way to reword the actions so they don't just become a shopping list, and decide whether each sentence needs to be there at all. Does it move the plot forward? Contribute in a meaningful way to characterization / atmosphere / themes? I recommend checking out some Chekhov. drat near every short story he ever wrote is available free online, and most of them are very short. What he does better than almost anyone else is give you these bright little flashes of insight in very quick, broad strokes. He doesn't repeat himself needlessly, he doesn't spend too much time describing every little thing, etc. Your story isn't bad, it's just a little barebones right now. Flesh it out, pump some more solid characterization into it so we really feel the terror this kid feels. In such a short piece, every little word has to pull its weight if you want to evoke the sort of feeling that makes someone remember your story after they finish reading it.
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| # ? Mar 6, 2013 19:29 |
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