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What do you do when your dad is using meth? I know he is using. He admitted to it in the past, went to anon-meetings, claimed to quit using and was seemingly trying to improve his life. Recent events have revealed that he is, in all likelihood, still using/using again. For example, he is somehow on the verge of losing his house that was paid for many years ago, due to "back property taxes owed". His girlfriend of 25 years moved out within the past year or so, due to the drug use, though she wouldn't say that was why, specifically. Getting him to come to our family Christmas at my house was like pulling teeth. Every excuse was given, he started blaming me for things that made no sense whatsoever, claimed he couldn't afford presents for anyone, despite my telling him not to worry about that. Eventually he did come but showed up an hour and a half late. Over the years, I've tried countless times to get him to come around, to have us (me and my wife/kids, my sister her kid, etc) over at his house, to 'be a parent'. It's hard to say whether he truly has no interest in being a parent/grandparent or if it is his addiction that is preventing it. I don't know how to distinguish, since he's been using pretty consistently over the past 5+ years, albeit in denial and hiding it from us. So I'm at a crossroad, where my wife and sister both think that I should somehow intervene and try to rescue him, remind him he has a family, etc. The last time I talked to him on the phone, I did exactly that and was hung up on. I think he was high at the time although he denied it and got offended when I asked. My feelings are that he isn't going to quit until he wants to quit. I don't particularly feel like trying to save someone who doesn't seem to care. Is this just going to be something I regret when the meth finally catches up to him and he has a heart attack or loses his house or whatever else? I know advice is often given to "sever", even with parents. But it's hard to make the decision when it's your own parent.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 18:44 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 11:33 |
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What I see most commonly is not so much "sever", but rather "you can't fix them". This has been my experience so far as well. What you can do is be there for him and be supportive to whatever extent you want, but distance yourself enough that you steer clear of the worst of the problems. Make sure to maintain healthy boundaries. If someone does come up with a way of fixing addicts, my guess is you'll hear about it when they win the Nobel prize in medicine. But in the meantime, what we have are ways to cope.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 19:29 |
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TheDeviousOne posted:My feelings are that he isn't going to quit until he wants to quit. I don't particularly feel like trying to save someone who doesn't seem to care. You nailed it right here. He won't change until he wants to change and there's nothing you can do to change that fact.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 21:52 |
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Silvah posted:You nailed it right here. He won't change until he wants to change and there's nothing you can do to change that fact. You need to make that clear to your wife and your sister, I don't think they get it yet.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 22:00 |
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Write a letter: I love you, dad, and I want you to be a part of my life, but it seems like you don't want that. I think you are doing drugs again and your addiction is making it difficult for you to spend time with me, maybe because you are high, maybe because you're ashamed of the choices you're making. I want you to know that you don't need to be ashamed and if you feel like you can't spend time around a big group of people, we can always hang out just the two of us. You need help. I hope you get it and will always be there for you. Then you send it and see what happens. Even if nothing changes, you'll probably feel better for putting it in writing.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 22:05 |
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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:You need to make that clear to your wife and your sister, I don't think they get it yet. I've said as much to both of them. They understand my position but I feel they probably have a point. If anyone is going to do something about it, it's gonna be me. He's successfully pushed everyone else out of his life. cda posted:Write a letter: I love you, dad, and I want you to be a part of my life, but it seems like you don't want that. I think you are doing drugs again and your addiction is making it difficult for you to spend time with me, maybe because you are high, maybe because you're ashamed of the choices you're making. I want you to know that you don't need to be ashamed and if you feel like you can't spend time around a big group of people, we can always hang out just the two of us. You need help. I hope you get it and will always be there for you. Not a bad idea.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 22:39 |
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My dad is in pretty much the same boat (he's into pain killers rather than meth though). My mom left him after he stole a bunch of money from her, he hasn't worked in probably five years now, he bounces in and out of rehab. It's really hard because he was a really great dad and was always there for me when I was growing up, but he's in bad shape now and I don't think there's anything I can do for him. He doesn't even really admit that things are bad. You don't need to sever, but you do need to realize that you can't fix him. If you want to maintain a relationship with him, realize that he's in a very dark place and quite possibly will never recover. Accept that stuff like showing up at family events, remembering your birthday and such is no longer in the cards. If its causing you a lot of distress look into alanon or some other support group for friends and family of addicts.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 23:32 |
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TheDeviousOne posted:I've said as much to both of them. They understand my position but I feel they probably have a point. If anyone is going to do something about it, it's gonna be me. He's successfully pushed everyone else out of his life. Unfortunately a lot of people buy into the idea you never give up on family, no matter how destructive it might be to you. Along with the old myth of "love conquers all." Like if you just love him enough it will fix all his problems. Usually they either have no experience with dealing with addicts or (in your sister's case) they may just be in total denial. I think the best you can do is what others have said. If he ever wants help, be there for him. But set clear boundaries and don't destroy yourself trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. A lot of my mother's siblings have problems with drugs/alcohol and while she keeps tabs on them to some extent, she doesn't really let them into her life much either as long as they're using. It seems to work for her anyway.
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| # ? Mar 3, 2013 23:34 |
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I feel so stupid for leading off with what I've seen on a tv show, but on Intervention pretty much the #1 thing the counselors force the family to do is tell the person if they don't get help/treatment, you will refuse to do x,y,z. It's always hard on these people because it is someone you love, but the fact of the matter is if your dad chooses drugs over having a healthy relationship with people who love him, that's his decision. If something happens, if he gets angry or feels abandoned, he made that choice. I'm not saying sever, just to tell him how much you love him and want to be there for him, that you're happy to offer as much emotional support as needed, but you can't continue to do any of these things or have him around your family if he chooses drugs. And quitting on his own isn't an option, professional help is his only option. Make him actually choose - drugs or you and his family.
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| # ? Mar 4, 2013 00:34 |
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TheDeviousOne posted:What do you do when your dad is using meth? I know he is using. He admitted to it in the past, went to anon-meetings, claimed to quit using and was seemingly trying to improve his life. Have you considered going to anon-meetings yourself? I know there are some geared towards family members of addicts, such as al-anon. I can imagine that being in a room full of people who are going/have gone through similar situations would be hugely beneficial. edit: Nar-anon might be helpful. Leon Sumbitches fucked around with this message at Mar 4, 2013 around 17:58 |
| # ? Mar 4, 2013 17:56 |
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TheDeviousOne posted:I've said as much to both of them. They understand my position but I feel they probably have a point. If anyone is going to do something about it, it's gonna be me. He's successfully pushed everyone else out of his life. It's nice and all that they think you can intervene and rescue him, but you certainly can't make him do anything. You're right on about that. It seems like all this boundaries talk is sensible stuff. It's clear posting in here have dealt with this kind of situation. Be there, be supportive. What else is there? It sounds like he is having more and more money problems so be aware of that. I hope he turns it around and takes an interest in your kids.
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| # ? Mar 4, 2013 18:12 |
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Echoing what other posters have said, be supportive when he is honest and in recovery, and keep compassion but distance when he is using. It can seem crazy, but the guilt people have in hiding their addiction and the shame in knowing others know causes them to use more. The suggested letter is a good idea, and then hold off on contact for a while, and hope for that phone call.
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| # ? Mar 6, 2013 20:53 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 11:33 |
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Sorry About Your Meth Dad
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 01:24 |
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