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In my childhood, I was lucky enough to know one Mr. Kirkpatrick. To say he was a weird fellow would be an incredible understatement. Tp say he was a little awkward would be perhaps the most grave understatement I could imagine. A little while back, I was able to find him again through the internet, and to my delight, discovered he has quite the expansive and insane website dedicated to his own personal film reviews. The best way I can really describe his writing is that it's as if someone who had never actually seen a movie before started to write about them. I'll give a few examples of why his criticism is so great, but first let's have the man explain himself in his own words! quote:I’m a 20-year-old London born and raised Scottish Film Critic and Photographer. That's just peachy! A great deal of his "reviews" biol down to just listing every actor in the movie, then summarizing the plot. We won't look at those, though. Let's have a look at his Rise of the Planet of the Apes review: quote:Ultimately what the film is telling us is that despite the fact they are different to us – furry, incapable of what we consider speech, bags more energetic, more agressive and even less intelligent – apes, like us, have feelings. They feel pain, suffering, sadness, fear, just like we do. But most of all they long to be free. How many apes, or for that matter any species of monkey, do you see roaming the countryside in Great Britain or the United States? You never see any in Great Britain. You certainly don’t get wild apes in America. They’re all in zoos, or being experimented on in labs. They have no freedom. And this film hits hard as it shows us through the eyes of a character who we are drawn to from the beginning of his character arc that these animals yearn for freedom as well, as they are beautiful, free spirits, which the film captures so successfully as they swing through the trees when they are outside. Why don't you see any wild apes in the UK?  Scott Pilgrim Vs the World, where he wonders what the world would be like if it did suddenly split into panels: quote:Visually this is a brilliant piece of film making, made like a cross between a graphic/manga novel and a rather absurd video game. With its fast editing, split screens and use of classic graphic/manga novel techniques, such as a series of As flashing up when a character screams, and lines used to emphasise the speed at which characters such as Scott are running, are brought to the screen in sharp definition and are absurdly wonderful to look at, as well as rather comical as we think of how wacky and brilliant it would be if this happened in the real world as we watch it happen on screen. In his Stormbreaker review, we learn he is a big fan of reading childrens books many times: Check your size privilege in his A Bug's Life review: quote:So, in short, the animation really makes you appreciate just how gigantic everything appears to be for insects, which is something we truly take for granted. He also analyses films! Here, he looks at [url=http://kirkpatrickfilmreviews.blogspot.co.uk/2011/02/christian-themes-within-village-2004.htmlThe Village from a Christian perspective[/url]: quote:Evil is Outside. If the Village can avoid evil then they will avoid suffering. Some Atheists look at Christianity like this, basing their opinions on nuns, semi shut off from the rest of the world, or the Christian kid at the houseparty who turns down every offer of alcohol and/or drugs. The world is full of suffering and the more Christians seem to shut themselves away from the evils of the world, they're less likely to suffer is what a lot of Atheists say. WRONG!!! You could lock yourself in a padded cell with a single chemical toilet, and three meals a day shoved through a cat flap for the rest of your life to avoid evils and sufferings of the world, but Jesus emphasised that evil comes from within the hearts of everyone, and that "no man is pure, all are evil within." In The Village, the character of Noah highlights this. A 4-year-old in a 22-year-old's body, he is most definetly as innocent as they get, yet the jealousy he feels when Lucius and Ivy are engaged leads him to commit evil acts which have repercussions on the entire Village. The evil comes from within, leading to evil actions. The best part of all this? He has hundreds of reviews but almost no comments. If there are comments, they're usually from himself correcting mistakes he made. Reading these is like going down one man's rabbit hole. More here if ye dare open your mind: http://peteskirkpatrick.wordpress.com/ EDIT: He literally just posted about a new pokemon movie before I finished this post.
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 18:59 |
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| # ? May 22, 2013 00:00 |
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Evil can get through a cat flap or a chemical toilet.
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:10 |
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He should watch Apocalypse Now, it would blow his mind.
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:13 |
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quote:You could lock yourself in a padded cell with a single chemical toilet, and three meals a day shoved through a cat flap for the rest of your life to avoid evils and sufferings of the world And then they gave him a computer with internet access and told him to write movie reviews. Is English this guy's first language? A lot of his sentences seem unnecessarily verbose and end up sounding like word salad.
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:21 |
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The ‘Pokémon’ franchise returns to its original days – but why?
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:34 |
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Just looks like mediocre reviews by someone who's a little off. So, how is it an understatement to say he's weird or awkward? What crazy poo poo has he done?
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:39 |
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I think these are pretty great for a 12 year old.
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:45 |
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Poppleganger posted:Just looks like mediocre reviews by someone who's a little off. I suppose I see that Mr. Reviewer is trying far too hard and consequently coming up with some rather inane statements in an attempt to be thought-provoking. They're kind of funny.
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| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:50 |
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Riosan posted:And then they gave him a computer with internet access and told him to write movie reviews. English is his first language. By the way, you nearly made me choke with that comment.  Poppleganger posted:Just looks like mediocre reviews by someone who's a little off. Count how many times he makes the same point about narrative here. Heck, just his use of the word "narrative" Innumerable ways. He is perhaps the single least self-aware person I have ever known. He has no learning disabilities, yet has an incredibly stilted way of speaking. He doesn't understand social convention to a ridiculous degree. I remember kids used to make fun of him by saying (based on nothing) that he had two gay dads and that he slept in the same bed as them. He countered this by listing frequent examples he could remember of his dad displaying "heterosexual activity", and giving examples that his parents did indeed love him. He had no idea that he was making it worse for himself, and he would do something like this every day. More recently (like, last years) he also wrote a story he published on his -third- blog. It was a fantasy set in Kingston. The main characters name was literally Peter Kirkpatrick. He only published one chapter, but in it, his parents where dead, and he killed his local priest. There was also one line that stood out, that I remember to this day - "Then the dragons breathed and angry fire on the church, killing several pregnant mothers" Like, the fire killed exclusively pregnant mothers. Oh, and in the story he turned his creepy-stalker-obsession into his sister. And then there's his weird children's book he put on Facebook Calico Heart fucked around with this message at Mar 7, 2013 around 21:02 |
| # ? Mar 7, 2013 20:51 |
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Have you been checked, OP? Crazy like that is contagious and often lies dormant for years.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 02:40 |
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Riosan posted:Is English this guy's first language? A lot of his sentences seem unnecessarily verbose and end up sounding like word salad. Plenty of bad writers end up sounding weird like this, simply because they never revise their works by reading them out loud and hearing how they sound to someone reading it.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 03:15 |
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Since when are the adventures of nutty autists new to us at SomethingAwful?. 
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 03:48 |
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The greatest autistic video game reviewer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s0lzbCK9f8
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 03:51 |
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Something Awful Forums› Community › Helldump - 'This guy I know' edition
Twee as Fuck fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2013 around 03:55 |
| # ? Mar 8, 2013 03:53 |
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His take on Adrien Brody's character from The Village is insightful and honest. And he gave Mulan 2 a very accurate one star. EDIT: Okay Kirkpatrick, but what's yr take on Cassavettes? quote:The issue that isn’t dealt with so sensitively is the interracial relationship between Leila (Goldoni) and Tony (Anthony Ray). Leila due to her far lighter skin tone passes herself off for white and is treated violently by Tony when he finds out. So what message does this send out? What would this have said to the black community 50 years ago? That they should be ashamed of who they, that they should completely turn their backs on their heritage to get anywhere or just to get what they want. And what image would this have given the white man? An image of a lying, deceiver. Frankly I’m disgusted by how Cassavetes has dealt with this. An interracial relationship subplot would have had tonnes of potential back in the 50s, all of which is wasted. This is awesome the black husserl fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2013 around 04:01 |
| # ? Mar 8, 2013 03:55 |
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Calico Heart posted:English is his first language. By the way, you nearly made me choke with that comment. sounds like you and your friends were picking on a kid with autism so nice job I guess?
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 04:03 |
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The reviews are a bit eccentric but not mind-bendingly crazy like you make it sound. In fact I think you are the monster here for picking on a guy that just wants his insightful opinions to be heard.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 04:09 |
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BuckarooBanzai posted:sounds like you and your friends were picking on a kid with autism so nice job I guess? on the other hand that kid sounds fuckin weird
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 04:10 |
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ClemenSalad posted:The greatest autistic video game reviewer. I have no idea what's going on in that clip, but it's painful to listen to.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 04:14 |
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the black husserl posted:{quoting weird UK dude's scolding John Cassavetes's supposedly poor understanding of race relations in 1959} I was going to say it was like he didn't understand that the dialogue in Shadows was mostly improvised by the actors, but of course he doesn't understand it. Or perhaps he thinks he knows more about US race relations in 1959 than the cast of black, white, and Latino performers improvising the dialogue. In 1959. If he was watching the Criterion Collection DVD, it makes a big whoop about how the dialogue was improvised on the box, so he wouldn't even have to check Wikipedia. AlbieQuirky fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2013 around 04:36 |
| # ? Mar 8, 2013 04:30 |
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The last post, about Biblical parallels in the Village, really is a cogent criticism of the film if you read The Village as being anti-Christian or anti-irreligious in general. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but still. The funniest thing about these though is that they are the most forgettable 2000 era movies. The Village. Man, what a piece of poo poo.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 04:32 |
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I really want to keep an eye on this to see how he handles the traditional college mindtrip movie fare once he encounters it, or do you doubt he'll ever watch Altered States or even Requiem for a Dream?
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 05:03 |
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Calico Heart posted:Innumerable ways. He is perhaps the single least self-aware person I have ever known. He has no learning disabilities, yet has an incredibly stilted way of speaking. He doesn't understand social convention to a ridiculous degree. I remember kids used to make fun of him by saying (based on nothing) that he had two gay dads and that he slept in the same bed as them. He countered this by listing frequent examples he could remember of his dad displaying "heterosexual activity", and giving examples that his parents did indeed love him. He had no idea that he was making it worse for himself, and he would do something like this every day. I can't believe this little fag0rt kid was maladjusted to being bullied, what a lil doucher. You're right to hate him.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 05:17 |
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BuckarooBanzai posted:sounds like you and your friends were picking on a kid with autism so nice job I guess? Beardless Riker posted:I can't believe this little fag0rt kid was maladjusted to being bullied, what a lil doucher. You're right to hate him. Er, yeah, I'm going to side with the "wimps" on this one. I'll admit, I got a chuckle out of the OP, but the more I read of his stuff and your stories, the more I feel like an rear end in a top hat. Something's off with this guy.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 05:39 |
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Hello Mr. Kirkpatrick who will inevitably find this thread. Don't take it too hard, this forum undoubtedly has many people weirder than you.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 06:12 |
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ClemenSalad posted:The greatest autistic video game reviewer. Which of the speakers is autistic? Is it all of them?
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 07:28 |
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Yeah I think it's safe to say the guy's mildly autistic. It's also safe to say the OP is a loving rear end in a top hat bully who probably won't ever contribute as much to society as the guy he's attempting to make fun of. At least this guy is putting himself out there trying to make his opinion's known, even if he does see things a little bit differently then most. What the gently caress have you done Calico Heart, besides making a poo poo thread? And this is coming from someone who thinks that this forum is kinda going to poo poo from all the bleeding heart white knights on here nowadays. It's just that this isn't really all that funny, it's just some maladjusted guy trying his best to communicate.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 07:55 |
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Are Kirkpatrick's reviews so Awful, in a world where Youtube comments section posters and Michelle Bachmann walk the streets with impunity and no functional brain cells? Other than that, it's bugging me that the OP refers to someone he or she apparently knew in childhood as "Mr Kirkpatrick" when said person is currently, at most, 23 years old and his first and middle names are disclosed in the website the OP is linking to. Is the OP is being arch in a particularly incomprehensible way, or he/she is a 12 year old know-it-all with someone else's credit card  who likes to make fun of the mildly autistic?
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 08:07 |
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Gonna have to agree that Kirkpatrick sounds like he could very well be autistic, OP. Like, legitimately autistic, not SA-goon-autistic. Which I guess is pretty often legit autistic too now that I think about it, so never mind. Not that I've ever consciously refrained from laughing at an autistic person, but if that sort of thing bothers anyone they should probably keep this all in mind.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 08:26 |
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I don't know where people are getting Autism from. It looks like he occasionally focuses an slightly odd points, but that's not Autism or even remarkable. Seeing a literal ape liberation angle to Planet of the Apes is a little weird I guess though.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 08:45 |
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I can't find a video of Kirkpatric talking. So I will defer that he is just overly goonish than autistic. You big bully you. Edit: Actually, like the poster above, I never got the autistic impression at all. Not even close, not that I am actually qualified to make that claim either way, unlike all of you. That being said, I think the ones that jumped on the autism bandwagon are the ones that are hosed up. If you think that is what autism is then you are as bad as the non-existent bullies you are defending them from. You really should be absolutely sure someone is autistic before jumping to their defense and labeling them autistic. Otherwise you might really piss off or embarrass someone. Finally, who the gently caress labels someone before defending them? Arguing that someone should be treated the same by giving them a label that means they are not the same is probably a very autistic thing to do. Thanks! Favorabilis Solitud fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2013 around 09:03 |
| # ? Mar 8, 2013 08:53 |
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We never picked on him. Heck, thinking about it, I don't think the kid was even actually beaten up that much. The general reaction was people would just ask him questions and listen with rapture. We will however laugh at his silly reviews online. I repeat; he did not have any form of autism or aspergers. Our school had separate classes for anyone with any form of learning disability. At the very least, if he has, then he, his parents and the school were unaware of it. It speaks to the quality of his writing that everyone assumes he has though. The reason his reviews are so stunning is because they're the result of (from knowing the fella for years) just general weirdness rather than anything else. On top of that, he did reasonably well in school from what I remember. The guy also seems perfectly normal on Facebook. He has a whole bunch of friends and goes to parties like anyone else. He just has insane opinions and self-restraint about his weirdness. If the guy were obviously mentally disabled in any way, there would be no humour to be found here. He's just a goofball. De Nomolos posted:I really want to keep an eye on this to see how he handles the traditional college mindtrip movie fare once he encounters it, or do you doubt he'll ever watch Altered States or even Requiem for a Dream? I highly doubt he will actually review films like that. He had a status once that went something like "Just saw Enter the Void. I think it's insulting to even call it a movie", so there's that. I also remember him being pretty baffled by Blood for Dracula, but that's kind of understandable. EDIT: For the life of me I remember he had a hateful review of Un Chien Andalou, but I can't find it on the site. Calico Heart fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2013 around 09:26 |
| # ? Mar 8, 2013 09:01 |
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Favorabilis Solitud posted:I can't find a video of Kirkpatric talking. So I will defer that he is just overly goonish than autistic. You big bully you.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 09:50 |
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Hate to break it to you OP, but at least 70% of reviews on the Internet are guys like this.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 09:51 |
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Meep posted:In regards to my own post, there's a reason I used the word mildly, he's obviously no Ulillillia. And yeah I probably shouldn't have jumped to calling him autistic, especially since he's aspy if anything. Or maybe he's just a weird dude. Either way this thread is still not funny enough to warrant existing. Also I find it pretty hilarious that you're calling us out for being mean in a thread designed to make fun of the guy. What can I say I guess I'm some kind of autistic monster. I disagree, his reviews are a collage of several things wrong with internet review sites condensed into a small package. From the in depth analysis of a new Pokemon movie to the star rating system where only 1 out of 5 stars is bad, I enjoyed it. I don't think you are being mean, just being autistic.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 10:40 |
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Considering how easy it is to find tumblr blogs filled with the worst stuff you'll ever read about how people think they're shape shifting dragons and they would love to gently caress their mothers, this guy doesn't seem so bad.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 11:04 |
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Maybe we should leave a bunch of positive feedback on his reviews, I bet it would make his day 
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 12:20 |
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These reviews aren't all that insane. He's not doing anything other than looking at films from a different perspective, which is one of the things you learn from literature courses. I find the more insane ones to be from the people that already have an agenda and then find whatever imaginary connection they can in something, so they can switch gears and stand on their soapbox.
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 16:09 |
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Is Mr. Kirkpatrick secretly Karl Pilkington?
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 16:28 |
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| # ? May 22, 2013 00:00 |
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You should persuade Mr. Kirkpatrick to place a phone camera inside of an opened shampoo bottle and film his sister showering. Then persuade him to buy this product:  No more annoying reviews, OP!
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| # ? Mar 8, 2013 16:40 |
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