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So, to begin with, I've dated my current boyfriend on and off for almost 10 years, now, and things are great, except for one thing, and that's his baby mama. She's been abusive and manipulative to him during their entire relationship, to the point that he was going to therapy for depression. He wasn't careful, and she ended up knocked up on purpose. Now, she's not happy that we are together, and is using their son just to hurt my boyfriend and just be an overall bitch, and a pain in the rear end. She's also taken the opportunity to talk poo poo about me on her FaceBook, despite never having met me. Honestly, I hate the drama, and I hate that she's making him miserable. I've been considering trying to make amends with her via FaceBook, but, I'm really not sure if I should. I would hate to have the attempt just thrown back in my face. I'd really like to tell her that I don't want to feud, and any beef she has with him should stay just that. With him. I'd also like to let her know that I think it's important that everyone get along for the sake of their son, and that I want to see him stay in his son's life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I've never had to deal with this type of situation, before. Thanks in advance.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 08:34 |
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| # ? May 26, 2013 02:20 |
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Ignore her. It'a not your place to try and fix his relationship with his Ex-girlfriend. All you can do now is to encourage him to play along with her stupid little games just to see his son. Trying to reconcile with her/fight her isn't going to do anything but give her more fuel for the fire. If she's a smart rear end in a top hat, she is going to "reconcile" with you, and then go behind your back and talk poo poo about you anyway. Just treat her like a sketchy part of town. You might have to walk by it everyday to do what ever you want to do, but as long as you don't go down that street you won't get mugged. (Or have your Boyfriends Ex try and use his baby against him) Also, does your Bf still have feelings for his ex? I know it sounds really dumb, but maybe he told her, or maybe she thinks he does, so she thinks you are a threat and is trying to hurt your reputation. You also said he uses the baby to hurt your bf, how does she do this? Refusing to let him come see the kid? Or is she making a big deal out of it being his kid, demanding he help her more/see the kid more. I know it's a horrible question to ask, but what kind of involvement does your boyfriend REALLY want with his son.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 08:53 |
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Jimson posted:Ignore her. It'a not your place to try and fix his relationship with his Ex-girlfriend. All you can do now is to encourage him to play along with her stupid little games just to see his son. Trying to reconcile with her/fight her isn't going to do anything but give her more fuel for the fire. If she's a smart rear end in a top hat, she is going to "reconcile" with you, and then go behind your back and talk poo poo about you anyway. Just treat her like a sketchy part of town. You might have to walk by it everyday to do what ever you want to do, but as long as you don't go down that street you won't get mugged. (Or have your Boyfriends Ex try and use his baby against him) Thank you for the quick response, and advice. I've been ignoring her, as you suggested. Luckily, it's easy, as she doesn't reside in the same state as us. I've never asked him if he still has feelings for her. I automatically assumed he doesn't from what he's told me. She is threatening to not let him have any contact with his son, and she wants his help financially, which, I agree she is entitled to. He has regular, frequent contact with his daughter, and gets along well with her mother, and I can only assume he'd like the same of his son.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 09:03 |
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Technosexual posted:I've been considering trying to make amends with her via FaceBook, but, I'm really not sure if I should. I would hate to have the attempt just thrown back in my face. People may disagree, and they may be right, but why not make amends? It's just words for you, but perhaps might mean the world to the crazy ex. Your moves at this point are purely political: it doesn't matter how you feel/believe, you just want to keep the peace. It's just words: grovel, apologize, placate, whatever. Do what needs to be done. I say this as the child of roughly divorced parents. When pride is your only commodity, I say spend that poo poo like it's burning a hole in your pocket. edit: This is on the assumption your BF doesn't have feelings. YOU are the one who makes him happy; remember that and act accordingly.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 09:46 |
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She's obviously not interested in the high road. What makes you think extending an olive branch is going to change that? Let your boyfriend deal with his crazy ex on his own terms. It doesn't have anything to do with you. If he makes it about you or it begins to affect your relationship with him then he probably has deeper issues he needs to deal with.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 09:51 |
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hohum posted:She's obviously not interested in the high road. What makes you think extending an olive branch is going to change that? This...this is true. But, again, what do you have to lose by exhibiting undeserved humility? Let me ask you a question -- do you love this man? Do you love him? If so, deal with it. Deal with it because it's worth it. edit: It if it's not worth it, get the gently caress outta there.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 09:53 |
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AutoSnakes posted:But, again, what do you have to lose by exhibiting undeserved humility? A lot, actually. There's obviously some jealousy and immaturity issues on the part of the ex. It's a lose/lose situation for the OP because there's a kid involved. She'd do better to just stay out of it entirely.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 10:00 |
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AutoSnakes posted:People may disagree, and they may be right, but why not make amends? It's just words for you, but perhaps might mean the world to the crazy ex. Your moves at this point are purely political: it doesn't matter how you feel/believe, you just want to keep the peace. It's just words: grovel, apologize, placate, whatever. Do what needs to be done. Thank you for your opinion, especially since it's different from the other I already replied to. I am still very hesitant, even though I really would like to attempt to placate the situation. I really just want her to know that I am willing to be civil, and that I think it's important for my boyfriend to be able to be a part of his son's life. As a girlfriend, this woman has absolutely none of my pity. She treated him badly, and continues to do so. But, as a mother, I think it is so important for everyone to at least remain amiable.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 10:00 |
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Technosexual posted:As a girlfriend, this woman has absolutely none of my pity. She treated him badly, and continues to do so. But, as a mother, I think it is so important for everyone to at least remain amiable. My opinion is merely a strategy. What you say here is ultimately the truest thing.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 10:18 |
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AutoSnakes posted:This...this is true. But, again, what do you have to lose by exhibiting undeserved humility? Of course! I've always loved him, whether we were together, or not. Not in a psychotic, creepy way, of course. We've always gotten along wonderfully, even as just friends. Our relationship has always been the best I've ever had. Fighting has always been minimal. We get along, we enjoy spending time with each other, etc. I have nothing to complain about on that end. hohum posted:She's obviously not interested in the high road. What makes you think extending an olive branch is going to change that? I know she's not. Honestly, I don't know what to think about that, which is why I am so conflicted. I am very much aware of the fact that it might not go over well. I have been letting him handle it, but, I feel somewhat responsible, as I had made a comment while they were on the phone, which she heard. Normally, that's not me, but, I was becoming very irritated, at the time. She was blowing up his phone while we were spending time together, and as she was bitching at him, I commented that she was acting like a child, and that it was only going to hurt their son. I do think that she might still have feelings for him, but, there's nothing I can do about that. It really doesn't bother me. hohum posted:A lot, actually. There's obviously some jealousy and immaturity issues on the part of the ex. It's a lose/lose situation for the OP because there's a kid involved. She'd do better to just stay out of it entirely. The jealousy and immaturity are a big part in what's holding me back, because I just don't know how she might react. As I said, she has made several posts on FaceBook, directly attacking me; calling me trash, etc. I don't want to be her friend. I just want there to be less drama.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 10:20 |
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Technosexual posted:I don't want to be her friend. I just want there to be less drama. This will take a crazy amount of patience, but I think you might be able to swing it. Just...don't let it get to you. She's nothing more than an obstacle, you know? You're only committed to the extent that you love this man -- maintain that moral high ground,, that's all that counts.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 10:40 |
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AutoSnakes posted:This will take a crazy amount of patience, but I think you might be able to swing it. Thank you, AutoSnakes. I agree with your position in this, as I've always been the kill-them-with-kindness type. I'll admit that the fear of how she will respond is what is really making me cautious. However, I do feel that it is my responsibility to at least apologize for what I said, and interfering in their conversation, even if she was purposely being obnoxious because she knew we were spending time together. Even if she responds negatively, or not at all, I will be able to let go of the guilt, and know that I at least made an attempt at fixing it. I understand that it's not my place to fix anything between her and him. Only they can do that, and I do hope that they will be able to get along for the sake of their son.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 10:56 |
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Wait so does your bf have two kids by two different women? How old are you both?
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 11:35 |
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Technosexual posted:anything you've said Technosexual, you are the smartest person I know! I'm rootin' for ya. Go with your gut and stay strong. AutoSnakes fucked around with this message at Mar 9, 2013 around 12:19 |
| # ? Mar 9, 2013 12:14 |
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Technosexual posted:
So many questions! You assume? You guys haven't discussed it? What does your boyfriend think you should do? How do you even know what she's saying on FB? How old is his son? It's unrelated, but you agree she's entitled to financial support - is she receiving any currently? Why does this guy have two baby mamas and live in a different state?
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 12:57 |
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I think I can clear up why there has been drama: You've been together off and on for ten years. How old are his daughter and, especially, his son?
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 13:14 |
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^^^ Very pertinent question! Apologize if you're sorry, then ignore her when she carries on. She can't hurt you over Facebook. She's in another state. I dont think your relationship with her is going to make or break the visitation situation, so who cares what she thinks.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 13:24 |
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Technosexual posted:I've been considering trying to make amends with her via FaceBook, but, I'm really not sure if I should. This is exactly what she wants you to do. Now based on what you know about her, try to deduce why she wants you to do that.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 14:25 |
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The first thing you should do is have a discussion about it with your boyfriend. What would he like you to do? What does he think about what she is saying? Does he think anything that you do will make any difference? You may have opinions about what should happen regarding his son, and worry that your actions (or inaction) may negatively affect that, but in the end it's his son and he should have a say in how things proceed here. If he doesn't think your taking action is likely to make a positive difference, then don't do anything. You don't need to resolve things with her, and frankly things are unlikely to get resolved no matter what you say. She wants your boyfriend to come back to her and as long as he's with you, she's going to dislike you.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 14:26 |
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You guys have been together 10 years and you've never even met his son's mother? How old are his kids? Since he just decided to help out financially, how often does he see his kids?
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 14:53 |
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Dirty Karma posted:How old are his kids? Since he just decided to help out financially, how often does he see his kids? I really doubt he has much choice in the matter of helping out financially.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 15:01 |
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The on and off for ten years thing does need explaining, particularly as what the OP has said so far makes it sound as if the guy in question dated her, then they split up and he had a relationship with the childs mother, then they split up and he got back with you. Particularly if there aren't big gaps in this equation I can see why she might dislike you.
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 16:28 |
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How old are you? Getting upset because of what someone says about you on Facebook is not very adult. Hopefully you have not friended her, but I wonder how you are even aware of what she is saying. Do you share any friends? Does she just have no privacy settings so if you go to her page, you can see? You are best off ignoring her. If she says truly awful, libelous things about you with your full name attached (I'm talking about things that would make an employer not hire you), you can report the abuse to Facebook, but I wouldn't give her the attention she's trying to stir up over "(your first name) is a HOOR!" stuff. If mutual friends come running to update you, just tell them you're not interested in hearing it. The rest of it should be left to your boyfriend. You do not live near her, you do not need to have any contact with her. Don't antagonize her or apologize to her - just don't get into it with her. That said, your boyfriend should be dealing with it a lot better than he is. If she's "blowing up his phone" when he's with you...uh, why is he answering? He should answer once, and if it's not an emergency involving his kid, he gets off the phone and does not answer any more that night. It's possible for him to only deal with her as things relate to their kid. He may need to pony up for a lawyer to get issues of child support and visitation laid out: he fathered this child and he does need to provide support. I'm guessing that evil ex, no matter how evil, did not steal his sperm and take it to a fertility clinic. He also, as long as he is a fit parent, has the right to visit his child and have a say in parenting. Morally, he should exercise that right even if it is inconvenient to him. I would have major issues with a guy who just let things drift as a father because he couldn't be bothered to deal with it. But then, I would have doubts about a guy who "accidentally" fathered two kids with two different women outside of marriage, especially if he's under forty, and especially if his judgment is bad enough to sleep with women he either doesn't know or doesn't like without protection. That you "assume" he's no longer interested in anyone else, and that you two have been together "on and off" for ten years...are there some commitment issues here that these other women know about? It sounds like your boyfriend has been back and forth between different relationships, and his behavior (not making his commitment to you clear, taking their phone calls and providing them with attention) encourages other women to feel that they can drive a wedge between the two of you, since it has happened before. Can you clarify what the timeline of your relationship has been?
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| # ? Mar 9, 2013 17:24 |
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AutoSnakes posted:People may disagree, and they may be right, but why not make amends? It's just words for you, but perhaps might mean the world to the crazy ex. Your moves at this point are purely political: it doesn't matter how you feel/believe, you just want to keep the peace. It's just words: grovel, apologize, placate, whatever. Do what needs to be done. What you are missing is that the ex is using the OP for political reasons as well. You're trying to get the OP to manipulate someone who is probably better and far more experienced at it. As Never You Mind posted, the drama is caused by the OP caring about the opinions of worthless people that are easily ignored. 312 fucked around with this message at Mar 9, 2013 around 17:37 |
| # ? Mar 9, 2013 17:33 |
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Ignore her. You have the highroad, be the aristocrat to the peasant.
Tonsured fucked around with this message at Mar 9, 2013 around 18:03 |
| # ? Mar 9, 2013 18:01 |
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...So does your boyfriend not know how a condom works or what?  Edit: Also OP how did you guys end up in an on and off again relationship for 10 freaking years? That doesn't sound good. No.44 fucked around with this message at Mar 10, 2013 around 02:53 |
| # ? Mar 10, 2013 00:59 |
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Does your boyfriend also do adderall? I could see some potential drama with drugs + kids being born during 10 year off/on relationship.
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| # ? Mar 10, 2013 03:46 |
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No, stay away from her. The way you describe her makes her sound like a petty, immature, loose cannon. Befriending her is not going to turn her into someone who isn't nuts. You don't owe her an apology, you don't owe her anything. My boyfriend used to be married to a woman who had a child (the child was not his). Her and I have never before crossed paths, she lives thousands of miles away from me, we are completely alienated from each other's existence. Two and a half years into my relationship with my boyfriend, she found me on facebook and sent me a message that called me down to the dirt; she told me I stole her husband, took away her child's father, am a wretched slut, etc. She also sent me pictures of my boyfriend and her child together. Of course, the reality is that she destroyed their relationship because she is insane and he left her. Your situation is slightly different because your boyfriend is really the father of her child and so they maintain contact, but that doesn't mean you have to. She's not your family, she has never meant anything to you and you owe her nothing. If she's any kind of a hand at manipulating your boyfriend she would probably just use you as another tool to make him miserable any way.
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| # ? Mar 10, 2013 05:04 |
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Okay, maybe I've missed something here, but I'm seeing a distinct lack of specifics (and I get why people aren't always specific on the internet, but still). I also see a comment that suggests your bf isn't paying support, which is a huge red flag to me. Also, how old are you folks? He has two different kids by two different women and now he's with you, and that doesn't cause you some concern? I'm posting from the other side, here. I'm someone who gets called the crazy baby mama. Hell, is your boyfriend from Chicago and does he like guns a whole lot? My ex tells everyone I was manipulative and abusive to him during our relationship, and that I use our son to hurt him and to generally be a bitch. He also doesn't pay support, but tells people he sets money aside or some ridiculous poo poo like that. How do you know he's not telling her awful poo poo about YOU, or telling her that you say awful poo poo about her, thus leading to the Facebook drama? Or, even if she is posting poo poo about you on her own, without provocation (or whatever), is it not plausible that she's loving bitter and striking at you instead of her ex who, from what you posted, doesn't seem to be paying support? Christ, why would you want to be with some rear end in a top hat who doesn't support his kids, anyway? Do you really think he won't do the same to you? bitter almond fucked around with this message at Mar 12, 2013 around 02:35 |
| # ? Mar 11, 2013 00:55 |
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bitter almond posted:Christ, why would you want to be with some rear end in a top hat who doesn't support his kids, anyway? Do you really think he won't do the same to you? Ding ding ding.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 00:57 |
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Technosexual posted:As a girlfriend, this woman has absolutely none of my pity. She treated him badly, and continues to do so. But, as a mother, I think it is so important for everyone to at least remain amiable. Did I read it wrong, or do you have his kid too? So he has 3 baby mamas? Corn Thongs fucked around with this message at Mar 11, 2013 around 01:16 |
| # ? Mar 11, 2013 01:12 |
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OP has decided we are haters for doubting the greatness of her 2x babydaddy boyfriend, and is now alternating between WoW raids and Facebook sniping that claims she takes the high road.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 01:41 |
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This whole thing sounds trashy as hell. My sister is in a relationship similar to this where every time they weren't together, dude knocked up some other woman (grand total of 9 kids for him). Of course, every other woman is a manipulative, terrible girlfriend and my sister is the only good one  Sounds like you're caught in some kind of trailer park relationship super triangle. There's nothing you can do to fix this except get the hell out. bitter almond posted:How do you know he's not telling her awful poo poo about YOU, or telling her that you say awful poo poo about her, thus leading to the Facebook drama? Or, even if she is posting poo poo about you on her own, without provocation (or whatever), is it not plausible that she's loving bitter and striking at you instead of her ex who, from what you posted, doesn't seem to be paying support? Christ, why would you want to be with some rear end in a top hat who doesn't support his kids, anyway? Do you really think he won't do the same to you? Essentially this. I didn't have kids with my ex husband, thank gently caress, but for awhile he'd try to keep me as a friend by telling me stuff he didn't like about his then girlfriend, while telling her that I was manipulative and abusive to him during our relationship. It kind of backfired when she and I actually started talking to each other and it became apparent that he was just a slimy dude who wanted to be a martyr.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 14:46 |
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My sisters kids have different dads. Shes still with her youngests dad though.She's a great mother and gets extremely anxious when anyone has a new girlfriend. She wants to be absolutely sure some psycho isn't around her kids, and who could blame her. Who knows, maybe in your decade long relationship he told her you were some crazy bitch and that's why you two broke up.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 16:38 |
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Its generally a good idea not to associate with your partner' exes, unless they happen to be so awesome that you can't help but be friends.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 16:49 |
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Wait, so you've been together off an on for ten years, he's had two kids with two different women at some point during those ten years, he's not paying support for either one of his kids, and you want to stay with him? What the gently caress is wrong with you?
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 22:09 |
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I'm really trying to figure out how/why this is your problem, OP. You are his girlfriend, not his wife. You have very little say in this situation. Your boyfriend is the one that has to set up boundaries with his ex, and it sounds like he might need to lawyer up to establish visitation and maybe even child support payments. Skutter posted:Wait, so you've been together off an on for ten years, he's had two kids with two different women at some point during those ten years, he's not paying support for either one of his kids, and you want to stay with him? What the gently caress is wrong with you? I'd love an answer to this, too!
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 22:23 |
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I get the impression the op has run away since people picked up on the situation being a bit weird.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 22:40 |
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Just agreeing with the people that say this is a little weird. You don't need to reconcile with anyone, in fact, I suggest you move on with your life. This guy sounds like a bit of a deadbeat. Seriously, did he have a kid every time you guys broke up or something? What does it tell you that you guys have had an "off and on" relationship for ten years? It tells me that neither of you are mature enough to be in a relationship where he has multiple kids with multiple mothers, especially considering you guys haven't been sure about how commited you are to each other for ten years. That's a lot of wasted time, OP.
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 23:16 |
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| # ? May 26, 2013 02:20 |
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party hat posted:That's a lot of wasted time, OP. "Sunk costs don't count" applies not only to business, but also to relationships sometimes! 
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| # ? Mar 11, 2013 23:19 |
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