Alright, due to the nature of the Something Awful Forums, I figured it would be frowned upon to make a thread for a single question that couuld be solved in like 5 minutes. So I establish this thread for pretty much any and all Dark Heresy and Only War related game stories to be shared here.
The question that started this idea was: "What should my Redneck Guardsman name his custom-made, best-quality stub auto pistol that has a red-dot sight, increased damage, armor penetration and rate of fire. (To 1d10+5, PEN 3 and S/5/-)?"
The stories: For those not in the know, the Warhammer 40K Tabletop Strategy games have branched out into DnD style Role-playing Games; among them Dark Heresy and Only War. I've recently finished a series of Dark Heresy campaigns and will officially start Only War next week (We've got the characters and regiments set up but no adventures yet, so the stories from that will have to wait until next week at least.
Most of the more adventures are straight from the DM quest guides so I'll spoiler the more intimate details of various adventures.
My character, rolled randomly for most everything in the Dark Heresy book is a Feral World Guardsman (The job I chose) with tanned skin, blond hair and blue eyes, tribal tattoos and thinks a layer of dirt on his skin will help repel evil spirits.
This is my first Dark Heresy campaign, but not my first RPG...and when I see the picture of the guardsman along with the description of a Feral World and "Dirt Ward", instead of Neanderthal, Conan, or Mad Max based character, My first thought was the theme song for deliverance and the phrase "Yeeee-HAW!"
So yes, I made a hardcore redneck in the 40K universe who's basically a blonde Rambo and sounds like Larry the Cable Guy. Quarl "Shiv" Jarr ended up surviving every adventure without taking any sort of critical damage or disfiguring traits. (Though he ended up with 22 Insanity points, from flubbing a CRAPLOAD of willpower tests...)
My entrance into the campaign was following the adventure straight out of the back of the main Dark Heresy Manual The Crow Father, involving a Demon possessed priest in a little no name colony who had a weakness for wounds to the eyes.
The people from that previous group involved an Assassin (Who made the "lucky" savior shots), A Cleric and an Arbitrator. My Guardsman and another new guy playing a Psyker join for a mission briefing with Inquisitor Vraak, who discusses an obvious piece of Xeno-tech recovered from the Aftermath of the last mission. Our mission involves infiltrating the Noble Circles of a planet where a friend of Vraak has called in a favor as his Niece has gone missing with a new church group called the "Joyous Choir" Notable oddities with the choir is that they have "happy-meters" which they use regularly on their members, who then go missing. One of these happy-meters was recovered by our inquisitor and the circutry perfectly matched the xeno-tech recovered from previous mission. Heresy is afoot!
We hit the planet, meet the nobles who will act as our cover-story and hear about this cult and a drug they pass out to the noble circles called "Farcozia" Notable instance comes when my character has to play the role of a bodyguard infiltrating a hoity-toity ball and needing to become presentable. ("I can't wipe off my protective crust!") Our psyker uses Deja Vu when I say I'll just wipe off the upper layer that shows between the gaps in my armor, which causes me to keep wiping until I'm fully clean. I panic and say "OH God! The lice will be able to dig in and lay eggs!" The Arbitrator takes out a can of spray and uses it in my general direction. I shout "THat's not where the are!" and grab the can out of his hands before sticking it down the back of my pants and letting out an "Ahhhh" and it hisses across my backside.
Needless to say, most of the group is rolling with laughter at this point or going "Oh dear god" between giggles, but everyone laughs harder when our psyker just chimes in again "Deja Vu" Whereupon my redneck guardsman ends up emptying the entire can of lice-off/bug-spray in his pants. I then meekly ask to find the bathroom.
Now, I wish to god I could have come up with this on my own, but I basically ripped it off from a "Stupid Facebook update" picture I had seen recently and it fit too goddamn perfectly. With clean pants and skin, I make my way back to the meeting with our nobleman aid with a perplexed look on my face. At a lull in the conversation I raise my hand and everyone else (DM included) make a face just waiting for the newest shoe to drop.
Picture with the thickest hillbilly/texan/southern drawl you can.
"Scuse me your lordship...ness...but while I don't really think it's my place to question your high-falutin ways, I gotta ask...Why do you have a drinking fountain in your bathroom right next to your toilet?"
At this point everyone went "Oh my loving god" while our DM, still in character of the nobleman nodded to a servant saying (slightly horrified) "Get somebody to clean the bathroom, now!"
and that's where I'll end my story for now. Hope this thread becomes one of the greats.
|# ? Mar 14, 2013 16:46|
|# ? May 26, 2013 08:47|
We have this 40K RPG thread: http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3464821
|# ? Mar 14, 2013 17:27|
Aww...okay so what, do I shut down this thread or does a mod do it? I was all proud of myself too...
|# ? Mar 14, 2013 17:33|