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Lareous
Feb 19, 2008

Deadpool is concerned by your shenanigans.



MOD NOTE: Yes, it's a brand new thread all empty of posts. That does not mean you need to feverishly repost "classics" from other threads in days gone by. Simply continue on with new content.


What are your favorite stupid/witty/funny/alienating status messages you've had/seen others have on facebook or twitter?
The last thread gave us over six years of great statuses, so let's start this off right. Here's some brand new ones to get the ball rolling:


Sometimes, you just wanna run naked through the trees and enjoy nature to the fullest. Unfortunately the park rangers didn't feel the same way.

If you're white and listening to Tupac at a red light and turn it down when a black guy walks by, it's definitely because you're racist.

I dunno about New Pope, I preferred Pope Classic.

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SURPRISE WITNESS
May 14, 2004

I am pretty sure this is how it is supposed to go.


If one more nerd wishes me Happy Pi Day, I will break their drat calculator

happyhippy
Feb 21, 2005


Totally disappointed with the new Oz movie. Not one prison surprise sex or shanking in the entire thing!

Drewski
Apr 15, 2005

Good thing Vader didn't touch my bike. Good thing for him.

Either Netflix has the most amazing viral ad campaign in history, or we really did just elect George Bluth, Sr., to the papacy.

SaltLick
Oct 6, 2010



PYF Facebook Status: I got three blowjobs out of this.

ol qwerty bastard
Dec 13, 2005

If you want something done, do it yourself!

"You might be a scientist if you have twins and one of them is named 'Control'" is getting a fair number of likes. But then again, I'm friends with a bunch of nerds.

klockwerk
Jun 30, 2007

dsch


This isn't going as I planned:



My friends aren't nerdy enough.

Slickdrac
Oct 5, 2007

Keeper of the Secret


klockwerk posted:

This isn't going as I planned:

Of course not, no one likes like-likes

Railing Kill
Nov 14, 2008

Computer:
Erase this entire post.

My wife's brother's wife is... an interesting person. She doesn't really "get" this new-fangled "written language" thing. For example:

NO NO DOG DOG

and

I LOVE FAMLY AND GOD AND JEUSE

All of her statuses are like this. Everyday it's like found art.

jazz babies
Mar 7, 2007



Railing Kill posted:

My wife's brother's wife is... an interesting person. She doesn't really "get" this new-fangled "written language" thing. For example:

NO NO DOG DOG

and

I LOVE FAMLY AND GOD AND JEUSE

All of her statuses are like this. Everyday it's like found art.

Well, to her credit, juice IS pretty good.

Bogart
Apr 12, 2010



Instead of writing my paper in MLA form, I'm going to live-tweet it with hashtags. Get with it, Professor, it's the 2000s #radical

rpollestad
Jan 13, 2006

Vicariously the most
'liked' in this thread.

With Easter approaching, I can finally commence eating nothing but Cadbury creme eggs for dinner like the grown, mature adult I am.

Between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson, one of them was doing the moonwalk very, very wrong. Just not sure which.

You know, if you actually could gently caress me and the horse I rode in on, there is probably an XXX movie deal in your near future.

Still holding out hope that there exists a career path where I end up as a princess.

I'm putting handsome people in wheelchairs and calling them roll models.

"You're going to be OK. You're going to be OK. Don't you dare die on me. DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?" - me, yelling at my phone battery in public

Vanilla Ice would make the world's most annoying pirate, probably. All day, he's like, "check out my hook" while some rear end in a top hat DJ spins swashbuckling tunes behind him.

"I Know What You Did Last Summer" but it's just a link to your Facebook photo album entitled "July/August 2012."

Sometimes I'll log on to Google+ when I want to be left alone.

I'm the guy at the drug deal who tests the coke but I just brushed my teeth, so it tastes funny and the whole deal goes south.

Dave_Indeed
Feb 22, 2004

BLACKNWHITE MAKS IT ART

True story. Ciudad Juarez sucks.

Recently took a trip to El Paso and saw the biggest trailer park I've ever seen. Someone asked if it was across the border in Mexico, but I said no, it was Mexico.

Tetris Crowley
Aug 16, 2007
who wants waffles!?

Slickdrac posted:

Of course not, no one likes like-likes

They keep stealing my goddamn shield and tunic

Content:

I'm gonna start approaching complete strangers and asking them if they've lost weight

"Accidental Death and Dismemberment" doesn't sound like much of a job benefit...

Google image searching "Nazi Dinosaurs" is one of the better ideas I've had

Um yeah that's cool, no yeah I'm still interested, I'm just wondering what your ratio of "she" to "male" is?

FuhrerHat
Feb 26, 2004
THE INTERNET PAID ME TO FUCK A HIGH SCHOOL MIDGET


future hose owner

Tea Bone
Feb 18, 2011

I'm going for gasps.

It's comic relief tonight here in the UK (a big fundraiser fro africa), I was thinking about re-working an Alexei Sayle Joke as my status:

"It's that time of year again where all the starving African children get together to raise awareness for Lenny Henry's struggling career"

coyo7e
Aug 23, 2007


I didn't ask for this Coyote myth.

Bogart posted:

Instead of writing my paper in MLA form, I'm going to live-tweet it with hashtags. Get with it, Professor, it's the 2000s #radical
I work at a psych research facility, and have some software which could probably accomplish this (and post your tweets in the proper citation style from a references database) without much effort.

grittyreboot
Oct 2, 2012


Saw Real Housewives of Orange County today. Gee, thanks, Manifest Destiny.

I wanted to open a bar in Candyland but I failed to get a licorice license.

Hey kids. *sits on chair backwards* You know what's really "tight"? Respecting your elders. Word.

20,000 years ago people were hunting mastodons and saber-tooth tigers to extinction. Cut to today when I almost crashed my car because a bee got in.

Madidus
Aug 19, 2003

Nobody loves me, Nobody cares.

Afflac! You were the bomb in Phantoms, Yo!


(yes I know it's spelled wrong, and yes, I watched Jay and Silent Bob Strike back recently)

Alastor_the_Stylish
Jul 25, 2006

WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING IN LIFE.



went to a facebook photo opportunity for people who are mildly athletic and otherwise uninteresting, when all of a sudden a mud race broke out!

Under_Dog
Apr 3, 2007


In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

SheepNameKiller
Jun 19, 2004



Tiger Woods on Lindsay Vonn - "I've gone down the black diamond with her a few times. It was worth sticking around for"

Zero Star
Jan 22, 2006

Robit the paranoid blogger.


I'm going to commission a team of scientists to find a way to turn internet nerd rage into a renewable energy source. Hey presto, energy crisis solved in a heartbeat! No more blackouts ever!

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

BEEEEEEES!

Railing Kill posted:

My wife's brother's wife is... an interesting person. She doesn't really "get" this new-fangled "written language" thing. For example:

NO NO DOG DOG

and

I LOVE FAMLY AND GOD AND JEUSE

All of her statuses are like this. Everyday it's like found art.

Please keep posting these.

coyo7e
Aug 23, 2007


I didn't ask for this Coyote myth.

Alastor_the_Stylish posted:

went to a facebook photo opportunity for people who are mildly athletic and otherwise uninteresting, when all of a sudden a mud race broke out!
Got unfriended by every woman I know, and two kicks in the nuts.

Vespa Mandarinia
Dec 14, 2012


Railing Kill posted:

My wife's brother's wife is... an interesting person. She doesn't really "get" this new-fangled "written language" thing. For example:

NO NO DOG DOG

and

I LOVE FAMLY AND GOD AND JEUSE

All of her statuses are like this. Everyday it's like found art.

I've gotta see these. They sound amazing.

Railing Kill
Nov 14, 2008

Computer:
Erase this entire post.

sticklefifer posted:

Please keep posting these.

Sure!

She has a daughter, and at age four the kid is already routinely outsmarting her. But her daughter (the name has been changed to protect the innocent) is the source of a lot of her status updates, such as:

quote:

JANE LOVE TEENAGE MUTANTANT NINJA TURTLES

Even Christmas miracles!

quote:

JANE SAID IT HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY JEUSSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, the kid if pretty adorable. But that's not why we're here. This one was posted with a blurry photo with her tattooed ankle halfway in the very bottom of the frame:

quote:

MY FLY CROW

Last summer was a banner season for her updates:

quote:

I WISH SO VERY HOT TODAY

and

quote:

I LOVE RUN

(Four days later...)

quote:

I MISS RUN

Lastly, my favorite:

quote:

WHY

Indeed.

Pope Mobile
Nov 12, 2006

I guess Jesus would ride a Harley.

I'm not familiar with the thing I'm seeing.

ol qwerty bastard
Dec 13, 2005

If you want something done, do it yourself!

Is English perhaps not her first language? It's hard to tell if she's a normal person trying to use an unfamiliar language, or if she's just mindblowingly stupid. Either way, keep them coming; they are amazing.

Bonus added thread content: "Catholic church ranks are confusing but I've figured it out: bishops move diagonally, whereas cardinals can only go North, South, East, or West." has been mildly successful at gathering likes.

Tea Party Crasher
Sep 3, 2012

Ooga booga, where's all the honey at?


Some friends and I have an FYAD style private group that we invite people into, make lovely posts, then kick them out. We all like our own posts, make up complicated acronyms, and correct our misspellings with other misspellings. It's nonsensical fun, and the majority of discussion is us making fun of what we see other people on Facebook talk about. I'll share a few of the posts my friends have done that have made me laugh.

When we were making up conspiracies and stuff:

quote:

/!\ CAUTION /!\
A group of terrorists has been sprinkling arsenic on dog poo poo! Don's let your dogs outside in case they sniff the poo poo! Share plz

From an OS and coding discussion:

quote:

var_u = fag;
print fag;
fag
lol

We always try our best to be factual, too:

quote:

if youve eaten pancakes, youve had syrup. #truefact

If any future employer someone manages to view this private group of ours, I am boned.

Vespa Mandarinia
Dec 14, 2012




Oh my god these are just amazing. I'm dying.

Kavingi
Jul 4, 2005
Deepwater, ahoy!


Is she deaf perhaps? It reads exactly like things I'd see when I worked as a relay operator.

SilverSliver
Nov 27, 2009

by elpintogrande


Railing Kill posted:

My wife's brother's wife is... an interesting person. She doesn't really "get" this new-fangled "written language" thing. For example:

NO NO DOG DOG

and

I LOVE FAMLY AND GOD AND JEUSE

All of her statuses are like this. Everyday it's like found art.

I have an Aunt that makes statuses much like this. Right wing Christian with mental issues and a coke habit. Yeah.

Railing Kill
Nov 14, 2008

Computer:
Erase this entire post.

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Is English perhaps not her first language? It's hard to tell if she's a normal person trying to use an unfamiliar language, or if she's just mindblowingly stupid. Either way, keep them coming; they are amazing.

She's 100% English-speaking American. I would have said the same thing if I had only seen her writing, but she doesn't talk like this in person. She's dumb as hell and everything she says is inane, but she's not quite as addled with speech as she is with text. She might have some kind of Dyslexia or some other cognitive impairment that affects her writing, but she is also dumb as hell. I know folks who have learning disabilities that affect their typing or reading (I am an English teacher and I get exposed to this stuff a lot). They are normal folks with an issue they have to work around. She is a Twilight fan and identifies as a "southern gal" despite being born and raised in Maine. She has gone through six religions in under ten years, seven if you count Mormonism and Jehovah's Witness as separate when she confused the two as one. She still identifies as "emo." She is 30.

quote:

happy valentine

quote:

i hate mri

Yeah, that mri guy is an rear end in a top hat.

quote:

it snow here NC

Welp.

quote:

I love my marine for been 4 year today

"Her marine" is her husband, whom I would pity if he wasn't a total rear end in a top hat for unrelated reasons.

rpollestad
Jan 13, 2006

Vicariously the most
'liked' in this thread.

So tired of the "high and mighty" Chuck E. Cheese's security staff constantly telling me what to do. "Sir, you can't drink a 40oz in here." "Please stop piledriving the children." "Meth is illegal." And so on. Ugh.

Sometimes, I will carry around a briefcase all day and pretend that I am a time-traveler from the 1980's.

If you're not interested in eating healthy food and/or making it to 35 years of age, call me. I'd make a great life coach.

I'm not really a lover or a fighter. More like a "starts crying and runs away screaming" kind of guy in either scenario.

I don't know how it'll ultimately be worded but I am 100% certain that my obituary will contain the phase "death caused by burrito-related activity."

I wish evite had an RSVP option of "I hate you and your stupid themed birthday party but my wife is making me go so, yes, I'll attend."

Something like a romantic date but I sit you down and explain the differences/correct usage of "your" and "you're" and then I send you home.

Clockwork Sputnik
Nov 6, 2004

24 Hour Party Monster

Bucket list entry #12: To take a van load of orphans out on a road trip and show them all the freeways that have been adopted more than them.

JiimyPopAli
Oct 5, 2009


Rpollestad, don't ever change dude.

Seriously, you rock.

Yeti Yeti Yeti
Mar 26, 2010


Bogart posted:

Instead of writing my paper in MLA form, I'm going to live-tweet it with hashtags. Get with it, Professor, it's the 2000s #radical

You joke, but I actually had to do this.
Still probably going to steal this though.

rpollestad
Jan 13, 2006

Vicariously the most
'liked' in this thread.

Not to brag but all of my balloon animals are 100% free range.

I will make fun of whatever you're doing until you say "oh yeah, like you can do any better." Then I cry because we both know I can't.

When I was younger, I always pretended to be a Lieutenant Colonel so that I could pull rank on Captains Planet and Cavemen all day long.

Be careful what you ask for: I've had more than a few good friends taken away by Calgon, never to be seen again.

Just hired some day laborers to work my ant farm.

Make fun of me all you want but it's called a "sports bra" so yes, I'm going to wear it when we play football.

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Cluricaun
Jul 31, 2009

Bang.


I'm sure most people have heard that George Washington had wooden teeth, but I'll bet you didn't know he also had an rear end in a top hat made out of feathers.

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