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I feel like a vicious dog that deserves only to be shot in the back of the head. I am sickened with myself. I have never hated myself as much in my entire life as I do today. I hit my grandmother. Again. The first time was two years ago, when she shouted at me, told me I'd never get anywhere in my life and that I'd be a useless piece of poo poo, just like my mother. She told me I was a baby and a stupid child and that she should have let me kill myself (I had tried, months prior, and she had stopped me). This time, she said almost exactly the same thing. Because I was fifteen minutes late coming back to the house. What kind of sick, horrible creature am I? Why did I have to go and lose my temper again? Why can't I just get some loving control over myself? You'd think 21 years of insults, antagonizing, and nasty comments would have taught me to keep my mouth shut. You'd think that I'd be used to the screaming and the fighting and being called a "whore" or a "pig" all the time. You'd think, but no. No, I can't help but lash out, no matter how much I'm used to it. And I hate myself for that. I'm a stain on the face of the earth. I hit an older woman because she called me a "useless pig" and belittled me and treated me like a child. By "hit", I mean I tried to slap her but couldn't reach her face so I grazed her. But I tried. And I'm so angry at myself for trying. I feel sick inside, completely sick and disgusting. I feel like throwing up because of how terrible I am. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel trapped by her nastiness, and trapped by my lack of deserving anything other than a bullet to the back of my head. But I could never kill myself, so I have to sit here and suffer with what I've done. I don't even know what to do. I'm not afraid for my life, but I am very afraid for my sanity. This was never the person I wanted to be. I tried very hard to grow up and be a good girl. I tried very hard to make sure I didn't gently caress up my life too much. Even when I look back at my life, I see there wasn't much I could have done to prevent the things that have happened besides miraculously gaining some self-confidence on the spot. I let my life get hosed up, and everything I'm doing now seems to be in vain. Trying to get a second job will only make her bitch at me more, but I need that money so I can move away. Keeping the job I have makes her bitch because I come home after 10-11 hour shifts tired, and don't want to eat or cook or do anything for her. My friends are friends to a certain point; I could never ask them to let me stay with them until I got on my feet. My mother and her ensured that. I could never ask to stay with my family, they made sure of that too. My extended family knows that my grandmother is a crazy old bitch, but I'm from that direct line. Nobody wants to house another crazy bitch (and I am a crazy bitch; I hit an old woman). I'm alone. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, and I'm so afraid. I am disgusted by what I have become.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:07 |
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| # ? May 25, 2013 12:47 |
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Wow, I hope you don't go to jail over that. Don't be around your grandma - for both of you. Also, get help from a mental health professional right now.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:18 |
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Have you considered therapy OP?
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:18 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:I'm alone. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, and I'm so afraid. I am disgusted by what I have become. You are not alone. There is nothing any of us can say to make you feel better, which is why you need a safe and structured place to figure this all out. You will feel better, you will learn to cope, and you are not crazy.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:21 |
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TheWordOfTheDayIs posted:Wow, I hope you don't go to jail over that. Don't be around your grandma - for both of you. Also, get help from a mental health professional right now. Prawned posted:Have you considered therapy OP? I've been trying to get mental help for quite some time. I can't afford mental help. And I have been trying to get medical insurance to be able to afford it. I've got papers upon papers on my desk of therapists, doctors, and medical insurance contacts. I'm having a load of trouble with all of them. No, I won't go to jail for it. She forgets things. She has dementia, and tends to not remember what happens after an hour or so. She hit me back, and I let her do it because I was so ashamed of what I'd done. She won't call the police on that, but she did threaten it.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:22 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:I feel like a vicious dog that deserves only to be shot in the back of the head. I am sickened with myself. I have never hated myself as much in my entire life as I do today. I bet you'd hit yourself if you could? I don't want to downplay all the possibly horrible things that have happened between both of you (I don't think you mentioned everything..) but please consider that you are approaching all those awful things with an unhealthy attitude. For example, you dislike what is said and done between you and her SO INTENSELY that the only way to respond is with complete and total rejection of it (i.e. "Don't deserve..." "completely disgusting..." etc.). But when you find that you can't reject it and get away, all you can do is get angry and lash out. That's natural. I'd suggest that you find a way to STOP hating the things that happen so much. Work on acceptance - of yourself and of her. When she calls you a pig or a whore, it's your choice to let that affect you. It's very hard when words are reenforced like that so often, but you just need to focus on yourself. The best advice for you and anyone really, is that you should not ever judge yourself by anything except your own moral compass. Additionally, spend more time with people you like and they will give you a sense of normality. Work towards moving out.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:23 |
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Sounds like there is more to that situation but your first priority should be moving out. I'm not sure where you live but you did mention that you work. I live in a college town and its pretty easy to find a roommate situation for around $300/mo here, that's small but in a decent area and very livable. Good luck to you.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:24 |
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We need to figure out a way to get you out of that house.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:24 |
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Move to some uninhabited island far away from normal people who don't like getting hit you weirdo.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:28 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:I've been trying to get mental help for quite some time. I can't afford mental help. And I have been trying to get medical insurance to be able to afford it. I've got papers upon papers on my desk of therapists, doctors, and medical insurance contacts. I'm having a load of trouble with all of them. This is like your third E/N thread in as many months, I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for. Therapy is basically all there is.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:35 |
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As cliche as it sounds, server contact with granny and get therapy. Your quality of life will likely dramatically increase.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:37 |
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Hummingbirds posted:This is like your third E/N thread in as many months, I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for. Therapy is basically all there is. Believe me, I was initially very against posting in the thread again. Red Red Red posted:Sounds like there is more to that situation but your first priority should be moving out. I'm not sure where you live but you did mention that you work. I live in a college town and its pretty easy to find a roommate situation for around $300/mo here, that's small but in a decent area and very livable. It's not as decent here. I live in one of the most expensive areas in the country (Long Island) and the rent is, at it's cheapest, $600 for a one-person room. I've been pinching my pennies trying to save up and prepare, but when stuff like this happens it just makes me want to curl up in the corner and rot away.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:42 |
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Tenacious J posted:I bet you'd hit yourself if you could? I don't want to downplay all the possibly horrible things that have happened between both of you (I don't think you mentioned everything..) but please consider that you are approaching all those awful things with an unhealthy attitude. For example, you dislike what is said and done between you and her SO INTENSELY that the only way to respond is with complete and total rejection of it (i.e. "Don't deserve..." "completely disgusting..." etc.). But when you find that you can't reject it and get away, all you can do is get angry and lash out. That's natural. I had (and still occasionally have) my problems with self-harm and self-mutilation. I would, in fact, hit myself if I could. It's a horrible thing to pick on defenseless people, or to find ways to break their defenses. It's called abuse. It's what I feel like I'm doing. I've dealt with that already, too, and I told myself I'd never end up abusing someone. But here I am, and that's what I've done. I have no sympathy for myself, and can't find a way to forgive myself for that.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:46 |
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Were you not moving in with your Grandma to be a carer because she had dementia?
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:52 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:I had (and still occasionally have) my problems with self-harm and self-mutilation. I would, in fact, hit myself if I could. Fair, but you need to have sympathy for yourself. Sympathy makes you human and is a choice (unless you are a diagnosed sociopath). You made a mistake in response to her mistake. That can't be undone, but you can use it to improve yourself by learning from this. You aren't powerless - you can still become the person you'd like to be. But seriously, find a way to move out, and find a way to start loving yourself. You're worthy of it.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 20:57 |
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"Smack Grandma" By Bill Withers Smack Grandma Slap her face on Sunday morning. Smack Grandma Shake her like a tambourine Smack Grandma Cause she issue out a warning, She'd say, “Billy you are just dumb trash, I hope you fall on a piece of glass, Don't make me come whip your rear end,” Smack Grandma Smack Grandma To sooth the local unwed goon Smack Grandma Used to ache sometimes and swell Smack Grandma Used to lift her face and punch her, She'd say, “Baby Grandma understands, That you slap her with your hands, Keep on smacking like a man.” Smack Grandma Smack Grandma Used to call me a loving dandy. Smack Grandma Pick her up and throw her down. Smack Grandma, Boy punches really came in handy She'd say, “ Mattie keep on whipping that boy. Spank him like a dirty whore He went and drop your apple core,” But I still have Grandma all around, If I get to heaven I'll look to smack grandma. Um,mm,mm.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 21:02 |
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Liquid Penguins posted:We need to figure out a way to get you out of that house. Yes. The E/N group therapy goons are here for you, Synesthesia Demon.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 21:06 |
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You are not a bad person. You are being abused. Reacting to constant abuse by lashing out does not make you horrible. You will never get better or feel normal as long as you live with your abuser. I came from the same environment, got out at 19, got normal, then had to go back for a year and it all started again and by the end of it I was back to screaming and hitting because of the exact same poo poo you are dealing with. Get out. Go to a friend's house. Go to a shelter. Go anywhere. It will NEVER get better on its own and all you can do is leave. I know it seems impossible. Find a way. Grab the poo poo that's important to you and walk out the door. Then, as soon as you can, drown yourself in therapy until you understand that you are not a bad person because you were unable to shut yourself down to the point where you would accept abuse instead of reacting defensively to it. quote:It's a horrible thing to pick on defenseless people, or to find ways to break their defenses. It's called abuse. It's what I feel like I'm doing. I've dealt with that already, too, and I told myself I'd never end up abusing someone. But here I am, and that's what I've done. I have no sympathy for myself, and can't find a way to forgive myself for that. It sounds to me like you are a pretty nice person, because you feel enough empathy to not want to perpetuate the cycle and because even though you were abused, you still feel bad for reacting physically to that abuse. I have sympathy for you, and I think you should forgive yourself right now. If you can't, therapy will help you. It is never okay to hit people, but neither is it okay to verbally attack someone until they're so broken down emotionally they react violently. While it isn't okay to hit, it is understandable than an abuse victim would attempt to slap a person who refused to stop verbally berating them. I won't say this is absolutely happening here, but it is not uncommon for abusers to attempt to provoke a physical reaction in the person that they are abusing in an attempt to "prove" that the person they are abusing is bad and deserving of whatever verbal abuse they are inflicting. Get out. There is no advice anyone can give you that will actually help your situation other than get out, and get therapy.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 21:07 |
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Um also please keep in mind that granny has a medical condition that means she is barely cognizant of what she is saying to any given person at any given time, she's not "abusive," she's very old and ill. Dementia turns sweet and kind old ladies into people who don't know what's going on or why they're doing a thing, so maybe let's keep that in perspective as well. I'm gonna suggest that OP is not the best option as caretaker for someone who won't be in control of herself for a lot longer, if the reactions to an outburst are going to be that significant. There's a reason people hire outside help for family members that have this issue.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 21:13 |
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ButWhatIf posted:Um also please keep in mind that granny has a medical condition that means she is barely cognizant of what she is saying to any given person at any given time, she's not "abusive," she's very old and ill. Dementia turns sweet and kind old ladies into people who don't know what's going on or why they're doing a thing, so maybe let's keep that in perspective as well. She's been doing it to my mother since she was a child and living with her. It's been this way since before I was born. I don't want to be her caretaker. I agreed to help her with basic things when I could, but because I worked and had some kind of life outside of four walls, I couldn't be her caretaker. I know for a fact that I'm not even a decent option for that position.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 21:20 |
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The fact that you are disturbed by the actions you took indicate that you are not a horrible person. You are sad, abused, frustrated, and you need to get out. What realistic options do you have available to you that could end with you finding a new place to live? (edit: nm, found out your state from previous threads) Have you exhausted the lists here? : http://www.omh.ny.gov/omhweb/resources/ xov fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2013 around 21:44 |
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 21:37 |
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xov posted:The fact that you are disturbed by the actions you took indicate that you are not a horrible person. You are sad, abused, frustrated, and you need to get out. Had no idea this existed. I've found links, but not this. Thank you.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 22:24 |
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I cant stand the people that type "therapy" and mash the post button thinking they're contributing or helping. My advice OP? Close the fist next time you hit her, none of this slap bullshit. Old people dont get a pass for saying hateful things because they were alive when the bomb dropped or they watched the moon landing. poo poo talkers get beat down. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 22:40 |
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You have a lot of deep-rooted shame issues that can only be fixed with therapy. E/N goons can emotionally support you, but you are not going to find what you need here, no matter how many threads you post. Your every effort should be to obtain therapy and obtain a place to live without any family members around. You need to sever contact from every abusive entity in your family and restart your life. I would also urge you to call one of those hotlines in the rules thread. They can talk you through this guilt when it hits crisis levels.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 22:40 |
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Alkaphanel posted:I cant stand the people that type "therapy" and mash the post button thinking they're contributing or helping. http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3521456 http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3530296 http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3538429 Do you have better advice? OP, we're all rooting for you but there's only so much that the internet can do for you.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:25 |
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Hummingbirds posted:http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3521456 There's even more threads that don't show up in search. http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3486060 http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3503184 http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3512754 OP is a E/N drama machine (or a gimmick poster) Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2013 around 23:54 |
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:50 |
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You probably shouldn't feel so bad about this, the whole thing about dementia is that its kinda the worst thing that can happen to a person's family. You're not the first person to have a hard time dealing with a demented relative and you won't be the last. It's nothing to hate yourself over, you're a friggin human being, so what? Get help, and have your grandmother get help. You clearly can't keep things the way they are, and it's not because you're a horrible person who deserves to be executed or some insane poo poo like that, it's because your grandmother has a disease that makes her the most painful person to be around that she could possibly be. If she's always been like that, than she's just a terrible person, if she hasn't, then she's a victim of something horrible. Either way it's hardly your fault.
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| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:57 |
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Hummingbirds posted:Do you have better advice? Edit: Being stuck around abusive family members and getting harassed in the workplace at the same time doesn't make someone a "drama machine" or a "gimmick poster." (Abusers can often sense vulnerable people and target them for harassment, so it makes perfect sense that the creeps at her workplace would have focused on her.) HEGEL SMOKE A J fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 00:02 |
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:59 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:What kind of sick, horrible creature am I?
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:00 |
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Sporadic posted:There's even more threads that don't show up in search. I wish this all wasn't true. I really do. The amount of drama and poo poo that goes on in my life is just stupid. But no, it's all real and all hosed up. Or stupid. Or both. Hummingbirds posted:http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3521456 Yeah, I know, there's only so much the internet can do. I just never know who to turn to. Like I said, I don't think my family (the extended part that is not crazy) can or will help me, and I don't know who else could. I don't know where to go or what to do. I've only explained this in detail to one person, and he's encouraging me to uproot and move to another part of the country. To look on craigslist for roommates and places to live, and to find jobs there. Problem is, I can't make sense of that method. It doesn't sound safe and it doesn't seem like it would work. I'm afraid of being left out on my own where I really won't be able to handle myself.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:03 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:I don't think my family (the extended part that is not crazy) can or will help me Have you asked? Synesthesia Demon posted:It doesn't sound safe and it doesn't seem like it would work. I'm afraid of being left out on my own where I really won't be able to handle myself. It probably isn't one hundred percent safe, and it likely won't be easy, but at least with that path there is the opportunity for things to get better. I don't see that in your current or previous living situations. And getting away from toxic people can do wonders on your general well-being, which has this cascade effect on everything else. You still will have to work hard on your self-esteem so others don't take advantage of you, and therapy is still a thing that you should get into as soon as possible, but right now your family is holding you back and undoing what little progress you make. At least on your own, if you cut all contact with your mom, grandmother and whomever else, you won't have them putting you down and attacking what they know to be your vulnerable points with surgical precision.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:25 |
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I would agree with the general comments about therapy, I would also tell you not to beat yourself up, enough people are doing it for you. You should think of moving out as fast as you can and cut contact completely with anyone who treats you like this. The problem with this kind of relationship is that you soon end up believing that yes, you are worthless and should be dead when in fact it's not true. Twee as Fuck fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 09:25 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 02:37 |
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Liquid Penguins posted:We need to figure out a way to get you out of that house. Yes, us goons know whats best. Might I suggest tying up a bed sheet rope and swinging it into his bedroom window?
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 03:52 |
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I'm looking through some of your threads now, noticing I've been posting in some of them. Couple things: 1.) No more contact with your mother, right? Did you call CPS for your brother? Edit: Apparently you did! Good for you! 2.) Why didn't you move to North Carolina with your friend that asked you to? Why not do it now? 3.) How'd your doctor tests work out? No cancer, right? 4.) You work one (or two?) minimum wage jobs. There is NOTHING tying you to Long Island. Why stay? McDonald's is nationwide. To give you an idea, I live in the Midwest. Apartments around here can be found as cheap as $400/month for a studio or one bedroom. If you're willing to share with people you find on Craigslist (there's a few colleges in the area), you can cut that down to 100-200 a month plus your part of utilities. My husband and I have a two bedroom, two bathroom for well under $800. We also, IMO, haven't been hit by the recession as bad. I've never had a hard time finding a lovely job. But I reiterate: Six threads later and you are still being told to move and get therapy. You are going to keep making these threads until you make progress in those two areas. Some counties have low income access to mental health care through county clinics. Go to your local county health clinic and ask. Edit: Andrias Scheuchzeri posted:Get out--NOT to be caretaker to your grandmother--and get therapy. Whether or not your mom is abusive by CPS standards, she's abusive enough that your judgment of what's okay and what's seriously not okay is very skewed. bunnybean fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 04:33 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 04:20 |
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Synesthesia Demon posted:I've only explained this in detail to one person, and he's encouraging me to uproot and move to another part of the country. To look on craigslist for roommates and places to live, and to find jobs there. Problem is, I can't make sense of that method. It doesn't sound safe and it doesn't seem like it would work. I'm afraid of being left out on my own where I really won't be able to handle myself. Your current situation is definitely not safe and it definitely isn't working. I can't claim to know what you're going through, but I had a mother who was pretty constantly insulting and abusive (and a grandmother who was a lot like yours before she mercifully died.) It was amazing how much better I was able to handle myself once I was out of Mom's house and no longer being infected with her anxiety and hatred-- even taking into account some really lovely decisions I made along the way. I'm not saying leave right away without making plans, you have no hopes of improving your lot without getting out. It's time to start talking to your sane relatives and friends and shaking the tree for help.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 04:24 |
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Nutmeg posted:Yes, us goons know whats best. Might I suggest tying up a bed sheet rope and swinging it into his bedroom window? Agreed. Do we have any goon safe spaces in the OP's area?
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 04:38 |
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Liquid Penguins posted:We need to figure out a way to get you out of that house. This is what people said when she was living with her mother, too.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 07:56 |
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Don't feel too bad. Saying poo poo like that is just begging for a smack to the face.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 08:26 |
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isasphere posted:Have you asked? No, I haven't. If I'm seeing them in person, my grandmother is always right behind me. If I'm on the phone, she always wants to know what I talked to them about. While I could lie, she has been known to call people back and find out. bunnybean posted:I'm looking through some of your threads now, noticing I've been posting in some of them. Couple things: 2) I didn't move to NC because she hasn't decided to go, so there's that. 3) No cancer, just low platelets and a warning that I should be taking better care of myself. 4) There's a man in my life that's keeping me here (in the sense that I just don't want to lose him). I'm not making him my life support, but I'd be devastated if I had to leave him for good. And I fear if he finds this out, he'll leave me just so I can go without a reason to stay. It would be effective, but excruciatingly painful. I don't want to go through that, too. Nebraska was mentioned a few days ago as a good place to move to as far as cheap rent goes. But again, uprooting by myself, terrifying concept I probably have to get over. Synesthesia Demon fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 10:39 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 10:29 |
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| # ? May 25, 2013 12:47 |
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Don't be afraid for your sanity OP, embrace the crazy. Look what power your already wield, imagine what you could accomplish if you let your psyche unfurl and banish societal norms to the seven winds.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 13:17 |
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