|
Hey E/N. I haven't posted here before, but I need to get something off my chest. I don't want to talk to anyone in my circle of friends about it, and don't want to talk about it over the phone with any of my old friends. I just need to get this down and get some feedback, I guess. I'm going to attempt to keep it short. I'm a freshman in college and have been in my first real relationship for two weeks. It's his first relationship as well. I was a Spring admit, so I met everyone in this story at the end of January. Before the relationship, when me and my boyfriend were just friends, another guy in our circle of friends (Call him Mike) and I were talking a little bit. Nothing much; after a party we watched a movie, just the two of us, stayed up all night talking and watching stuff, and he walked me back in the morning. He texted me a bit after that but really soon afterwards me and the other guy (Ian) started getting involved. But I still really liked Mike as a person, and if I'm going to be honest with myself, I was still attracted to him, but to a lesser degree than Ian. So, the E/N stuff. In the past few days I've found myself suddenly losing all interest and passion for my boyfriend. I don't want to talk to him, or hang out anymore. He didn't do anything wrong, except pressure me a bit to have sex once. I was totally fine with it at the time and didn't hold it against him, and he was cool about it, but I feel like it was some weird, arbitrary turning point. I find him physically attractive and he's smart and nice. I was really, really into him at first, and now I'm suddenly not. I don't know if this is normal for a first relationship. I've had 3 very good, steady friendships since middle school and a number of close friends besides that, and I'm not the kind of person to pick up a hobby and lose interest. What I'm trying to say is I'm not the kind of person who ever usually likes something and then quickly loses interest. Meanwhile my attraction to Mike has risen, a lot. I hang out with him all the time within our circle of friends, and last night I even texted him. We talked a long time about innocent things. But he knows I'm going out with Ian. But I just find myself always wanting to look at him and talk to him when we're hanging out. I don't feel that way towards my boyfriend. I don't know if I should nip this relationship in the bud or give it a chance for a while. Thankfully I have a week (spring break) away from everyone to sort things out and unwind, but I desperately need advice from people who have been or think they might be seriously interested in someone besides their significant other. And people who lost interest in their significant other for seemingly no reason and what they did about it.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:09 |
|
|
|
| # ? May 18, 2013 15:25 |
|
|
You've known both of them for just over a month. Do whatever, just be honest and forthcoming.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:15 |
|
|
People don't become your significant other in two weeks and feeling pressured into sex is a pretty sure-fire way to have all your passion for another person killed dead on the spot, whether they meant to do it or not. What I am saying is that your relationship with Ian is not a big deal at this stage, it is fine and normal that you want out, if you do want out you should break it off with Ian asap and then you can date whoever else you like (sounds like Mike!). You certainly don't owe this extremely short lived relationship with Ian any more time than you've already given it if you're not feeling it.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:16 |
|
|
If you want to gently caress someone else gently caress someone else. Break up with your boyfriend first.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:17 |
|
|
A two week relationship is the goldfish of relationships. Dies easily, and even more easily forgotten. If it's belly-up, don't keep staring at the corpse. Move on. Your feelings of apathy and slight revulsion are not normal. Break up. It shouldn't even be hard at this phase.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:20 |
|
|
Odrade posted:People don't become your significant other in two weeks True. I wasn't trying to assign that heavy of a label to it, I just wanted to use a gender neutral term and "partner" seemed far too serious.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:22 |
|
|
Castle Bidimar posted:If you want to gently caress someone else gently caress someone else. Break up with your boyfriend first. Let me make it clear that I'm not going to cheat. I still like Ian as a person and couldn't do that to him. And if I had something with Mike I wouldn't want it to be like that either.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:31 |
|
|
Nightswimming posted:True. I wasn't trying to assign that heavy of a label to it, I just wanted to use a gender neutral term and "partner" seemed far too serious. Fair enough! Really though, what I was responding to was a sense in the whole of your post that you've made some kind of commitment to Ian, and so you feel all guilty and poo poo about the fact that you don't like him any more. I remember feeling like this a lot when I was younger and I'd suddenly gone off someone who I'd previously pursued, and it's a really claustrophobic and unpleasant feeling. Perhaps I'm projecting, but seriously, don't feel bad Ian's hardly known you for any time at all and he'll get over the whole thing extremely quickly.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:32 |
|
|
I don't really think this is the type of thing you should ask the internet. Why don't you try talking about it with some of your friends who have a bit more context? If you don't have any friends yet, then go get those friends. Also ask both of them if they would like to be part of a polygamous relationship if you're into that. If you are not into that, then please do not ask them if they want to be part of a polygamous relationship, it can only go wrong.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:34 |
|
|
Odrade posted:Fair enough! Really though, what I was responding to was a sense in the whole of your post that you've made some kind of commitment to Ian, and so you feel all guilty and poo poo about the fact that you don't like him any more. I remember feeling like this a lot when I was younger and I'd suddenly gone off someone who I'd previously pursued, and it's a really claustrophobic and unpleasant feeling. Perhaps I'm projecting, but seriously, don't feel bad Ian's hardly known you for any time at all and he'll get over the whole thing extremely quickly. No, thank you! That is actually exactly how I'm feeling, claustrophobic. That's it. It'd just be kind of awkward because we have the same circle of friends. But less awkward than remaining in a relationship I'm not feeling anymore. Megaspel posted:I don't really think this is the type of thing you should ask the internet. Why don't you try talking about it with some of your friends who have a bit more context? If you don't have any friends yet, then go get those friends. Echoing my last post, we have the same circle of friends. I can't talk to any of them about this; they all know both Ian and Mike and some are closer with one than they are with me. Edit: Oh yeah, about the polygamous thing. I'm not into that, and agree that it could only go wrong.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:51 |
|
|
Figure out why you're suddenly turned off by him. If it's the pressured to have sex thing, that's a trust breach and that's tricky to know if you'll forgive. But figure it out. That's what the horrible cavalcade of relationships in college is for, learning!
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:52 |
|
|
Nightswimming posted:real relationship for two weeks. Well it's pretty clear you're just too immature for this relationship.
|
| # ? Mar 14, 2013 23:56 |
|
|
Volume posted:Well it's pretty clear you're just too immature for this relationship. Sorry, I guess it's not a "real" relationship in that sense. Just wanted to express somehow that this was my first relationship in which we considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend and were publicly acknowledged as such.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:00 |
|
|
Ah kids. Break up with Ian, go out with Mike. There you go.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:41 |
|
|
Sunk cost, sorry. You're too far committed to one another now after a couple of weeks so you might as well stay with him for the next 50 years! Think of the kids!
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:50 |
|
|
I agree, you don't want to hurt this guy's feelings so I recommend getting married and then going through the motions for the rest of your life
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:56 |
|
|
It hadn't occurred to me previously but maybe the OP is so bent out of shape is because she's been betrothed to Ian and there's no way that dowry is coming back to her father's house. I mean, you can probably get the ice and salt back but the handful of precious stones and 16 goats just isn't going to happen.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 00:59 |
|
|
Well we've already been locked in the wedding hut. No turning back now Thanks a bunch E/N
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:02 |
|
|
String your current boyfriend along until you're sure you can seel the deal with Mike. No wait, that's what you're doing now and you feel guilty. forever gold fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 01:14 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:09 |
|
|
Nightswimming posted:Well we've already been locked in the wedding hut. No turning back now OP, you're alright. forever gold posted:String your current boyfriend along until you're sure you can seal the deal with Mike. No she's really not. She's feeling like she prefers another guy to the boyfriend she's been with for the last two weeks and who she's gone off since some unfortunate offputting poo poo happened. She's trying to reflect upon and deal with her feelings as fast as she develops them. She's not cheated on Ian and she's not done anything with Mike other than be friends and find him attractive, both of which are totally fine. OP, to reiterate, you don't owe Ian anything but the same kindness you'd extend to anyone, and it sounds like you have no intention of being unkind. So nip it in the bud and go have fun.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:22 |
|
|
Odrade posted:She's not cheated on Ian and she's not done anything with Mike other than be friends and find him attractive, both of which are totally fine. I didn't say she cheated. However, I think she owes it to her current boyfriend (if we can even call him that since it's been only two weeks) to share with him her lukewarm feelings, considering how easily these lukewarm were brought about because she desires and associates with someone hunkier. OP, either choose your current relationship and ignore feelings of attraction to other men or end it and seek out other guys. Prolonging this is the worst thing you can do.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:31 |
|
|
He pressured you into sex. The hell with that guy. Don't tell him about the other dude; just tell him that was your turning point.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:34 |
|
|
forever gold posted:I didn't say she cheated. However, I think she owes it to her current boyfriend (if we can even call him that since it's been only two weeks) to share with him her lukewarm feelings, considering how easily these lukewarm were brought about because she desires and associates with someone hunkier. As a bit of other advice OP, relationships are usually pretty fluid at the start--don't feel like you need to call someone you've dated two weeks a "boyfriend" or a "significant other" or feel like you are obligated to not be dating anyone else at the time. Two weeks is well within what ends up being the first little bit trial period for most people, so I'm not sure I would even consider going out with Mike cheating. That's not to say you shouldn't respect someone you're dating even when you're starting out, but I'm just getting a sense that you feel pressured to put labels on things pretty much immediately, maybe due to societal pressures, and I'm just saying you shouldn't feel obligated to do that. waffle fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 01:51 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 01:44 |
|
|
waffle posted:She's been with the guy for two weeks, which means she's had the wavering feelings for all of maybe 7 days, dude. It's not like she's been sitting on this feeling for months. She should act on her feelings sooner rather than later, but I'm not sure you can call a week or two of wavering feelings "stringing along". Fair enough. I found this the most striking part of her post: quote:
It isn't for "seemingly no reason." It has entirely everything to do with her attraction to Mike.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 02:02 |
|
|
forever gold posted:
Whatever, it's two weeks and they might break up, what else
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 02:04 |
|
|
I mean I've always been attracted to mike. But it was only recently and very suddenly that I stopped being attracted to Ian more than him.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 02:05 |
|
|
Hey OP, get rid of Ian this way: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr8HKRTavM0
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 02:14 |
|
|
bunnybean posted:He pressured you into sex. The hell with that guy. Don't tell him about the other dude; just tell him that was your turning point. I didn't see this before but this. If you really think that was the turning point, and you want to give him a reason (you don't need to, by any means), then he really does need to know that pressuring someone into sex is not okay and it's a huge breach of trust. He may have only done it a "bit", but the point is it was significant enough for you to feel like it was pressuring you to have sex. waffle fucked around with this message at Mar 15, 2013 around 02:26 |
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 02:23 |
|
|
Nightswimming posted:I mean I've always been attracted to mike. But it was only recently and very suddenly that I stopped being attracted to Ian more than him. And it might change over the next couple of weeks, too, since you apparently don't really know why it happened. It might switch back to Ian, and Mike might bore you. That's why this whole figuring out why you got turned off and why Mike is cooler now is important. Without knowing these things, you're going to wander through chutes and ladders of relationships not even knowing why you do what you do. So do some thinkin'. Others may help. Edit: And yeah, I'm betting it's the pressure for sex bit.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 03:26 |
|
|
bunnybean posted:He pressured you into sex. The hell with that guy. Don't tell him about the other dude; just tell him that was your turning point. This. OP, I'm guessing you're female. If so, there are metric fucktons of pressure on you to be A Certain Way About Sex (men get to be The Other Way About Sex). You may think you're okay with being pressured into sex, but you probably aren't. It does not make you a bad person... ...but it makes Ian a bad person. Break up with him, and forget about him.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 04:22 |
|
|
Well I just did it when we were in front of my building on the way back from Mike's. He didn't argue or ask for an explanation but I think he was a little upset. When he left he didn't say "bye" back and just walked away. I feel terrible, but at the same time an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I was working up the nerve to do it the entire night and I was almost shaking when I said it. I can't even imagine what it's like to break up with someone you've been in a real relationship with. Overall I feel cautiously relieved.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 04:48 |
|
|
Nightswimming posted:I can't even imagine what it's like to break up with someone you've been in a real relationship with. It sucks, then you get over it. Also good job on not dragging this out and moving on. Even though it was short, take what you learned from this relationship and apply it to future ones.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 04:56 |
|
|
Ian's gonna be sad for ~10 days don't worry too much.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 06:04 |
|
|
Unlike popular misconception you don't actually need a notarized ironclad reason to break up with someone. "I don't want to be in this relationship any more" of itself is perfectly valid. And if your circle of friends things you somehow owe it to Iain to give him a chance to make it all better then they are idiots.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 09:34 |
|
|
This is like the letters section of seventeen magazine. Just break up. Do whatever. In ten years you wouldn't even remember this if you hadn't memorialized it in writing.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 14:14 |
|
|
Your early twenties are all about learning to renegotiate relationships as an adult; it's a huge developmental shift. Think about it, just a year ago you were in high school and now you are an "adult" (well, increasingly less so today than a generation ago, but whatever). You are going to begin and end numerous relationships or change how you approach, feel, and react to them. Just go with it. Make mistakes, try not to hurt too many people, but it's going to happen so use the experiences.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 14:25 |
|
|
Just be cool to the guy and honest -- I mean it's his first relationship too. I'm sure it'll end up okay. May be awkward for a time, but better that than lastingly wounded.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 14:26 |
|
|
Thanks for the advice everyone, I really mean it, this was something I didn't want to talk about to anyone irl, everyone was so happy for us and saying how cute we were together and everything... It was a definitely learning experience. I think we just went too fast and applied labels because we thought we were supposed to. The same sort of thing happened to me last semester, but I cut it off after our first date. This is why I'm so thankful I go Dutch.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 15:25 |
|
|
So you're a bitch. Welcome to the club, now go have fun sister!
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 15:38 |
|
|
|
| # ? May 18, 2013 15:25 |
|
|
Nah, sounds like she handled it pretty well. She's not responsible for that dudes emotions. Have fun in college, Op.
|
| # ? Mar 15, 2013 15:43 |
|
