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This past week, two of my good friends lost their newborn child to a heart defect. After some research online, I found that many parents who lost children appreciated it when someone gave a memorial of some kind to their child. I have looked around and haven't been able to find anything great as an option, so I was hoping for some advice. So far, the best thing that I've found is purchasing a magnolia tree from seedsoflife.com. My wife loves this idea, but I tend to think that this puts work onto the couple, as they have to plant the tree (if they even want to have a new tree in their yard in the first place). My wife mentioned that we'd offer to plant it or help them plant it, but I still see an issue with the possibility of giving them an unwanted item. I may be overthinking it though. Another option that has been mentioned is donating books to the local library, but I'd like to do something a bit more permanent for the couple.
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| # ? Mar 15, 2013 23:15 |
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| # ? May 22, 2013 07:19 |
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Acrolos posted:This past week, two of my good friends lost their newborn child to a heart defect. After some research online, I found that many parents who lost children appreciated it when someone gave a memorial of some kind to their child. Professor Google may have said memorials, but they're your friends, what do you think they might appreciate? Have they expressed anything to you during their grieving process to give you an idea? Has there been a service yet? Sometimes people put on the memorial cards that instead of flowers, for a donation to be made to some charity or organization on their behalf instead. The heart defect may have a charity organization associated with it, or the hospital where the baby was seen probably has a Ronald McDonald house or something for families to stay at during their children's treatment--donating to either of these options would be nice. A tree seems a little random to me. Like, a well meant gesture to someone you don't know well enough to know what they *really* might a appreciate. Maybe a "memorial" per say isn't their thing at all, who knows? You could just ask them. I think the most permanent thing you can do for the couple is to never, ever pretend that their baby didn't exist. No matter that it's life was tragically short, it's their baby forever. Even if they don't have any other children, come Mother's Day and Father's Day, they deserve a note or a kindness (especially Mom, but that might be my personal Mom bias). Don't ever say some well meant bullshit about them just having another baby--they aren't like getting a new puppy. They can never have another *insert name of baby here*. You would be surprised at how people can act when the child who died didn't live that long --like that somehow makes it less bad. Losing a baby or small child has got to be one of the very worst things ever. Tiny coffins make me sick to my stomach.  Rather than worrying about naming a park bench or something after the baby, what they really need is emotional support and for you to be a friend. Listen. Hug. Help. 
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 01:08 |
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It is most likely too late for pictures but there is a great organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that takes pictures of lost babies. They may have some advice other than just the photograph stuff. What a sad thing.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 01:16 |
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AlistairCookie posted:Professor Google may have said memorials, but they're your friends, what do you think they might appreciate? Have they expressed anything to you during their grieving process to give you an idea? Has there been a service yet? Sometimes people put on the memorial cards that instead of flowers, for a donation to be made to some charity or organization on their behalf instead. The heart defect may have a charity organization associated with it, or the hospital where the baby was seen probably has a Ronald McDonald house or something for families to stay at during their children's treatment--donating to either of these options would be nice. A tree seems a little random to me. Like, a well meant gesture to someone you don't know well enough to know what they *really* might a appreciate. Maybe a "memorial" per say isn't their thing at all, who knows? You could just ask them. I didn't mean to give the wrong impression that I was looking at this as a one off thing. We are definitely giving them our support and love and plan on being their for them for a long time to come. I was just looking for something that I could do as a nice gesture for them, after reading from many people in similar situations who really appreciated when friends did something to memorialize their child. My wife and I actually had a child the day before them and we will always be tied together a bit because of that. We shared a lot of the process together, so I was wanting to do something a little more than the obvious love and support thing. I think the Mother's Day and Father's Day suggestion is great. That's something I definitely plan on doing for them.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 02:00 |
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Maybe a donation to an organization like Trees for Life in the child's name? I did that when my friends lost their son and they appreciated the gesture.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 03:51 |
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Not The Platypus posted:Maybe a donation to an organization like Trees for Life in the child's name? I did that when my friends lost their son and they appreciated the gesture. This comes off weird to me. "Hey sorry your baby died but I donated to a thing and put its name on it sooo..." "oh thanks we appreciate that gesture" is what I'd say because I'd be confused. A tree also seems weird. Here's a tree instead of your baby. Maybe I'm the weird one.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 06:05 |
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I know a lot of families used to bronze their baby's first pair of shoes, maybe, in this case, you could just bronze the baby.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 18:12 |
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EtchaSketch posted:I know a lot of families used to bronze their baby's first pair of shoes, maybe, in this case, you could just bronze the baby. That was in really poor taste... Why would you post this? Anyway OP, I think the best thing you could do would be to be there for them as much as possible and maybe give a letter of condolence. I thought the previously posted idea of planting a tree to memorialize their child would be a really good idea as well. Ultimately, the most effective way to help the parents is just to show sympathy and offer them whatever consolation you can. I think that would do a lot more than any kind of physical memorial.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 20:00 |
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EtchaSketch posted:I know a lot of families used to bronze their baby's first pair of shoes, maybe, in this case, you could just bronze the baby. It's very rare that someone is able to offend me on the internet, but you managed to do it. I guess you accomplished your goal, so good job.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 21:56 |
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Even on Something Awful some things are bad taste
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 22:19 |
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MY INEVITABLE DEBT posted:This comes off weird to me. "Hey sorry your baby died but I donated to a thing and put its name on it sooo..." "oh thanks we appreciate that gesture" is what I'd say because I'd be confused. A tree also seems weird. Here's a tree instead of your baby. Maybe I'm the weird one. The idea was that it's a fruit-bearing tree in a system that keeps on giving -- people are receiving sustenance in the dead child's name. My friend is an avid gardener and works a lot for anti-hunger causes, so it was appropriate for her.
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 22:33 |
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rebelEpik posted:Even on Something Awful some things are bad taste On the other hand...
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| # ? Mar 16, 2013 22:45 |
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Basically if it's not their fault remind them of that, and try to curb over-indulgence in grief [which includes getting them weird memorial trees, fountains, benches, bronzed corpses, or whatever.] It is their responsibility to choose an appropriate memorial should their need for closure warrant one. I know society teaches us to grieve openly etc etc but it can become a strange obsession as the link in Reene's post can show. Like, they have a right to live a normal life still even in light of their miscarriage so their lives needn't be dedicated to 'memorializing' their lifeless baby. Your gift (should you get one) really should be something that will cheer the parents up and not remind them of their dead loving corpse baby infant. Some nice food, nice alcohol, gift card to a clothing shop or day spa, any gift that they would want and use. Get it for them not in the spirit of their baby just loving dying but because you want to give them a gift they will enjoy and use as if it were any other day. Honestly, just privately going over with some prime steaks and beer and cooking them up a nice meal with your wife would go a long way in showing that you care. If you want you can talk with them about how they would like to memorialize their dead baby baby because it's their dead poo poo in the ground and ultimately they are the best arbiters of how to proceed with what would comfort them the most. They will also need to reflect on the pregnancy process and find strength in one another (as I'm sure one of the biggest blows is being shunted after such a long arduous gestation period.) In time they will probably want to try again. My sister had a miscarriage btw but she didn't do weird poo poo; she grieved and moved on because there was little else for her to do. She now has a healthy lovely 3 year old daughter and any sorrow she feels for the miscarriage these days are only fleeting thoughts.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 01:41 |
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I think if they want to plant a tree, they need to pick the tree if that makes sense. I know someone who planted a tree as a memorial to her (almost) adult daughter and picking out the "right" tree and planting it as a family was definitely part of the process. Having one selected for her wouldn't have worked. Did I read correctly you also have a newborn? It may be very difficult for them to see you for awhile, too much "what might have been".
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:11 |
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Lief posted:Basically if it's not their fault remind them of that, and try to curb over-indulgence in grief [which includes getting them weird memorial trees, fountains, benches, bronzed corpses, or whatever.] It is their responsibility to choose an appropriate memorial should their need for closure warrant one. I know society teaches us to grieve openly etc etc but it can become a strange obsession as the link in Reene's post can show. Like, they have a right to live a normal life still even in light of their miscarriage so their lives needn't be dedicated to 'memorializing' their lifeless baby. Your gift (should you get one) really should be something that will cheer the parents up and not remind them of their dead loving corpse baby infant. Some nice food, nice alcohol, gift card to a clothing shop or day spa, any gift that they would want and use. Get it for them not in the spirit of their baby just loving dying but because you want to give them a gift they will enjoy and use as if it were any other day. Honestly, just privately going over with some prime steaks and beer and cooking them up a nice meal with your wife would go a long way in showing that you care. If you want you can talk with them about how they would like to memorialize their dead baby baby because it's their dead poo poo in the ground and ultimately they are the best arbiters of how to proceed with what would comfort them the most. Yeah um, losing your newborn baby who you've already brought home is different than having a miscarriage.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:12 |
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I had a stillborn son 6 years ago. It's the worst thing I could ever imagine, to lose a child. And I can only imagine it would be worse if I ever got to meet him. What helped for me was friends who provided food and came over to do laundry for me so we didn't have to think about it and could just focus on grieving, but even then there's a limit to what you want - I didn't want people hanging around, so the most helpful ones were the ones who brought already completely made food in dishes that could be just tossed into my freezer or fridge, and people who showed up and did a quick chore and then left if I wasn't up to talking (and I wasn't, a lot of the time). My aunt gave me a necklace with his name, birthstone, and birth and death dates engraved on it (in his case, the same date twice), and I still wear it pretty frequently. My sister-in-law's friend makes lace and she did his name in lace and had it mounted and framed. We got a lot of flowers, and I kept all the cards - we have a box with all the cards, his footprints, etc. Someone gave us an angel statue, which I suppose would be lovely if it in any way aligned with our belief system but it really doesn't; I appreciate the intention nonetheless. Our son was scattered at sea, so we don't have a gravesite to visit or place memorials at, and I'm totally fine with that but if they are doing a burial, you could consider some sort of memorial for the gravesite. Overall, one of the best long term things that people have done is consistently remember - they ask how I am doing on the anniversary of his death, they don't pretend as if he never existed. Quick book recommendation (it is written for grieving parents, but I recommend it regularly for friends and family of grieving parents so they can better understand): Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:45 |
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Fionnoula posted:I had a stillborn son 6 years ago. It's the worst thing I could ever imagine, to lose a child. And I can only imagine it would be worse if I ever got to meet him. What helped for me was friends who provided food and came over to do laundry for me so we didn't have to think about it and could just focus on grieving, but even then there's a limit to what you want - I didn't want people hanging around, so the most helpful ones were the ones who brought already completely made food in dishes that could be just tossed into my freezer or fridge, and people who showed up and did a quick chore and then left if I wasn't up to talking (and I wasn't, a lot of the time). It's been 4 years and she is still in agony over it. She probably always will be. EDIT: See, I'm not just a dick who makes bronzing dead baby jokes.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 05:53 |
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Twatty Seahag posted:Yeah um, losing your newborn baby who you've already brought home is different than having a miscarriage. I understand your anger; I'm sorry.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 07:24 |
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We decided to not bother with a memorial, and just continue to offer our support and assistance with anything they need. We were going to bring some food, but they have begged people to stop bringing stuff over, because they no longer have room to keep it all. We will probably bring some stuff over (or invite them out/over) in a bit, when things have calmed down a bit. It turns out that someone actually got them a tree from the exact site I mentioned earlier, and they loved it. They were actually planting it yesterday when I stopped by.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 15:56 |
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You could pay for a maid service possibly?
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 17:01 |
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Alterian posted:You could pay for a maid service possibly? I would offer to pay for a maid service, offer to run errands for them, just anything to help them out. When my friend's daughter died, I arranged for a car service to be on call to drive their surviving son where ever he needed to go if they felt unable to do so themselves as well as had some people I knew be able to walk their dog, mow their lawn, that sort of thing. Offer, don't just give. Everyone handles these things differently. They've already had one thing in their life be out of their control, they shouldn't feel as though everything is out of their control.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 17:30 |
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EtchaSketch posted:Offer, don't just give. Everyone handles these things differently. They've already had one thing in their life be out of their control, they shouldn't feel as though everything is out of their control. Oh god yes, my mother in law hired a maid service for an 8 hour session. I did NOT want some stranger in my loving house cleaning for 8 hours, I wanted to lay in my bed and sob with my husband. After a couple hours, my husband finally just told the woman to leave. Oh yes, I forgot: you could offer to do their grocery shopping for them. I never noticed how many women in the grocery store have babies with them until I had a breakdown in the aisle and had to have a store employee help me to my car and call one of my friends to come get me the first time I tried to grocery shop.
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| # ? Mar 19, 2013 00:36 |
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Fionnoula posted:Oh yes, I forgot: you could offer to do their grocery shopping for them. I never noticed how many women in the grocery store have babies with them until I had a breakdown in the aisle and had to have a store employee help me to my car and call one of my friends to come get me the first time I tried to grocery shop. This can be a huge one. When one of our customers (I work in a grocery store meat department) lost her husband to cancer, my manager got a list of everything she needed, sent us around the store to gather it up for her, and left work early to deliver to her. He even got the store manager to comp the whole order. The most important thing isn't how you support them, just that you do support them.
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| # ? Mar 19, 2013 01:13 |
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| # ? May 22, 2013 07:19 |
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Acrolos posted:I still see an issue with the possibility of giving them an unwanted item.
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| # ? Mar 19, 2013 04:44 |
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