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I met a woman through my degree program. We also had a professional relationship through a campus LGBT org that we both work for. We had pretty great chemistry with each other, and we become really close friends almost instantly. She's in a relationship with a man and has a child from a former relationship. We start getting physically intimate with each other and I tell myself that it's okay because she's straight anyway, but it's not long before it's gone to full on affair territory. Everything is great for a while until the man starts getting suspicious of us and snoops through her things, finding proof of what's going on. At the end of the day she chooses him over me and while that sucks, I respect her decision. We continue talking for a while, and she tells me that apparently he got her pregnant and that she's going to keep it. I tell her to let me know if she needs anything, but otherwise I'll back off. Right now, I'm not contacting her in any way because I know she's got to work out everything herself. That's not the problem. The problem is that people seem to act as if I'm responsible for knowing where she is and what she's doing at all times. The thing is, she's got some pretty severe issues with anxiety and PTSD, so back when we were with each other, I would cover for her both in classes and at her job. Obviously, I don't really know what's going on anymore, and I've tried telling that to all of the relevant people, but they won't let it drop. Aside from being an unfair responsibility, it's making it really difficult for me to move on. I care for her a lot, I really do, but at this point, it's out of my hands, and frankly, thinking about her right now just makes me feel miserable. But I'm not sure how the hell I'm supposed to make it clear to my professors and supervisors that I can't deal with being treated as a liaison anymore without spilling out all of the details. I've told them each several times that I don't really know what's going on anymore but apparently that's not enough. step aside fucked around with this message at Mar 17, 2013 around 16:08 |
| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:05 |
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| # ? May 25, 2013 02:57 |
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What type of replies are you expecting, just curious
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:14 |
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Sorry you didn't get to break up your co-worker's marriage, OP.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:25 |
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step aside posted:I met a woman through my degree program. We also had a professional relationship through a campus LGBT org that we both work for. We had pretty great chemistry with each other, and we become really close friends almost instantly. She's in a relationship with a man and has a child from a former relationship. We start getting physically intimate with each other and I tell myself that it's okay because she's straight anyway, but it's not long before it's gone to full on affair territory. Everything is great for a while until the man starts getting suspicious of us and snoops through her things, finding proof of what's going on. At the end of the day she chooses him over me and while that sucks, I respect her decision. We continue talking for a while, and she tells me that apparently he got her pregnant and that she's going to keep it. I tell her to let me know if she needs anything, but otherwise I'll back off. Right now, I'm not contacting her in any way because I know she's got to work out everything herself. That's not the problem. Tell them you two had a falling-out and you don't talk to her anymore? Hopefully this sends the implied message that it's not a comfortable subject for you and they'll stop asking.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:30 |
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Hummingbirds posted:Tell them you two had a falling-out and you don't talk to her anymore? Hopefully this sends the implied message that it's not a comfortable subject for you and they'll stop asking. I've tried telling people that we're not really talking right now but I guess I can start telling them that we had a falling out. You're right, hopefully that let them know that I'd rather not be asked about it. BeefThief posted:Sorry you didn't get to break up your co-worker's marriage, OP. They're not married, but yes, I'm a horrible homewrecker, I know. I'm not going to try to justify my actions.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:40 |
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gently caress that. gently caress whoever you want to gently caress - it's on them if they're cheating. You did nothing wrong, OP.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:47 |
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If they bring it up, just tell them that you're not comfortable speaking about the subject and to please stop. If they don't and insist on talking about it, just end the conversation. They're adults, they should be able to understand when a particular topic makes someone uncomfortable, and if they don't then they're being childish and you don't need to waste your time talking to them about said topic.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 16:57 |
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What happens when you just say, "I can't help you, I don't know"? Surely if you keep saying that, then they will eventually realise that asking you does not achieve what they want it to do. Perhaps a curt, "It doesn't matter how many times you ask me, the answer is still going to be NO". Or are you giving in and acting as the liaison in the end?
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:00 |
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Isn't studying and working with her going to hinder your moving on more than people asking questions?
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:02 |
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So let me get this straight: You had an affair with this woman and covered for her when she was late or missing appointments or whatever. Now the relationship is over and people are still expecting you to cover for her. ...How is this even a problem? Just tell people that you don't know. Period. Beep Street posted:Isn't studying and working with her going to hinder your moving on more than people asking questions? Also this. What the hell?
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:16 |
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Just stay away from people till you properly understand just how terrible a person you are.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:19 |
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Beep Street posted:Isn't studying and working with her going to hinder your moving on more than people asking questions? She got reassigned at our job and I don't really see her there anymore. As for studying, that's a bit more difficult, but she's also been absent from most of her classes recently.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:25 |
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step aside posted:She got reassigned at our job and I don't really see her there anymore. As for studying, that's a bit more difficult, but she's also been absent from most of her classes recently. Sounds like an ideal situation to me. I'm not even sure I know what the problem is here.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:30 |
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Morby posted:Sounds like an ideal situation to me. I'm not even sure I know what the problem is here. Her not going to classes means I have all of her professors and the department chair each independently asking me where she is and how she's doing.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:40 |
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step aside posted:Her not going to classes means I have all of her professors and the department chair each independently asking me where she is and how she's doing. So tell them "I don't know. We don't really talk much. How 'bout this weather, eh? I freakin' love this weather!"
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 17:43 |
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This may well be the dumbest thing ive read all year.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:07 |
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I don't understand why you're getting so much grief in this thread OP. I think the best thing you can do is be honest. Don't give a lot of detail but when someone asks you about her say 'I don't really know what she's up to, and I doubt I will in the future. It's kind of a sore subject and I'd appreciate if you stopped asking me about her.' People will get the idea eventually.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:16 |
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step aside posted:I tell myself that it's okay because she's straight anyway, Wait, what? You mean it was okay because she was straight, but it wouldn't have been okay if she was bi or lesbian? What's the logic behind that?
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:17 |
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Nessa posted:Wait, what? You mean it was okay because she was straight, but it wouldn't have been okay if she was bi or lesbian? What's the logic behind that? I'm assuming that the OP wasn't expecting it to get any more serious than just the occasional messing around. Obviously that didn't happen. And yeah, I also don't understand some of the grief being tossed at the OP. OP severed, and is trying to maintain that sever. It's just the fact that other people are bothering her (I'm assuming OP is a female, correct me if I'm wrong) because she used to cover for the other person.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:27 |
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Scyantific posted:I'm assuming that the OP wasn't expecting it to get any more serious than just the occasional messing around. Obviously that didn't happen. Yes, but that makes this person not straight. The OP is getting grief because the solution is obvious and she just posted the thread to vent.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:46 |
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Scyantific posted:I'm assuming that the OP wasn't expecting it to get any more serious than just the occasional messing around. Obviously that didn't happen. This, pretty much. Thought she was straight, turned out she wasn't. Wendell posted:The OP is getting grief because the solution is obvious and she just posted the thread to vent. I've tried telling people "we're not really talking right now, I don't know what's going on" but it hasn't worked. I'll start telling them that we had a falling out because hopefully that will make them realize it's a touchy subject. step aside fucked around with this message at Mar 17, 2013 around 18:52 |
| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:48 |
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Oh, I thought OP was asking for advice, but yeah, looks like that was an assumption on my part and the OP is just venting. Which is fine, this is E/N, after all. The grief is probably because being involved in someone's cheating pisses people off.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:51 |
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Sounds like she's pretty straight to me, she's got two kids and would rather be with some dude that is unfulfilling versus you.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 18:52 |
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step aside posted:This, pretty much. Thought she was straight, turned out she wasn't.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 19:03 |
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Necron Vs. World posted:Sounds like she's pretty straight to me, she's got two kids and would rather be with some dude that is unfulfilling versus you. Or she could be bi. Anyway, he's a decent guy and a good father as far as I can tell. He's got his issues, but who doesn't? She could do worse than be with him and being pregnant with his child is a pretty good motivation to want to stay with him. I can't really blame her for making that decision. Sucks for me, life goes on.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 19:14 |
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"Please do not ask me any more questions about her."
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 20:02 |
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step aside posted:I've tried telling people "we're not really talking right now, I don't know what's going on" but it hasn't worked. I'll start telling them that we had a falling out because hopefully that will make them realize it's a touchy subject. I know other people said to do this, but I dunno. I think saying you had a falling out is over sharing and a possible invitation to drama. If you tell people enough times that you're not in contact with her, eventually they'll remember and stop asking.
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 20:14 |
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Just say "I don't know, ask her husband".
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| # ? Mar 17, 2013 21:04 |
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Yeah OP, I don't really see why you have to say anything more than "I don't know anymore than you, it's an uncomfortable subject and I'd appreciate it if you don't bring it up." Maybe be a bit more diplomatic if you're talking to a department chair, but people typically feel bad if they bring something up that bothers another person and will usually react in such a way that ensures they won't bring it up again. Like, if I have a coworker directly tell me not to talk about something because I just made them feel uncomfortable, I'll probably get embarrassed/apologize and feel a little bad about it. I'll definitely not ask again.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 00:26 |
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Tell your professors/etc that you had a big facebook argument with her over same-sex marriage, and haven't spoken since. They'll nod their heads saying "Yeah my sister-in-law said this stuff about gun control, I understand". You'll be off the hook as the line of communication. Then when they contact her, they say "Sounds like you had a problem with same-sex marriage and step aside, huh?".
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 04:53 |
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woozle wuzzle posted:Tell your professors/etc that you had a big facebook argument with her over same-sex marriage, and haven't spoken since. They'll nod their heads saying "Yeah my sister-in-law said this stuff about gun control, I understand". You'll be off the hook as the line of communication. Ahahaha that would be so amazingly hosed up. I'd hate to cross you.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 05:19 |
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Either all these people in your life are pathological or you aren't being direct. Next time someone asks, tell them that you don't know and won't be able to find out, as you're no longer speaking with her. If they press it, tell them that it is your personal business and they need to contact her directly if thy need to get in touch. And then don't worry about what happens after that.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 05:49 |
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"Oh, her boyfriend found out her and I were having sex with each other. Around that time, they also decided it'd be a great time to start a family. I'd imagine between the pregnancy and our affair, she's got way too much on her plate to attend class. Strange, really... I mean there I was, just nailin' her like awww grrr tommy lee jones yeah! and I'm like this is great; she's straight so this doesn't even count! Well needless to say I found out later that it does count and she's definitely not straight and uh, now she won't speak to me. Anyway, that's why I can't be her lab partner." I'd like you to take a moment to appreciate how terrible it would be to tell the truth.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 09:00 |
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My vast knowledge that I accumulated during my life suggests that you use the following top secret magic phrase: "I dunno, we don't hang out together anymore."
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 12:18 |
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Safe and Secure! posted:gently caress that. gently caress whoever you want to gently caress - it's on them if they're cheating. You did nothing wrong, OP. Yeah, except if you know the other person is married/committed/whatever and you continue on, you're not exactly blameless. And last I checked questioning your gently caress-buddy's sexuality isn't going to absolve you of that blame. Because. You know. You're still loving them while knowing they're involved with someone else.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 13:00 |
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step aside posted:Everything is great for a while until the man starts getting suspicious of us and snoops through her things, finding proof of what's going on. Describing cheating as 'going great' is probably what makes people think you don't actually realise what you did wrong here: you got involved with someone who was already in a relationship. Even if you believe you are blameless (you aren't) and care nothing for the man involved it's still asking for trouble. You are now experiencing some of that trouble, since unfortunately you don't always get to be party to cheating then have everybody forget about it when you are ready to move on. The lesson here is don't do it again.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 13:14 |
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jabby posted:Describing cheating as 'going great' is probably what makes people think you don't actually realise what you did wrong here: you got involved with someone who was already in a relationship. Even if you believe you are blameless (you aren't) and care nothing for the man involved it's still asking for trouble. You are now experiencing some of that trouble, since unfortunately you don't always get to be party to cheating then have everybody forget about it when you are ready to move on. The lesson here is don't do it again. tifosibella posted:Yeah, except if you know the other person is married/committed/whatever and you continue on, you're not exactly blameless. And last I checked questioning your gently caress-buddy's sexuality isn't going to absolve you of that blame. Because. You know. You're still loving them while knowing they're involved with someone else. These are incredibly fascinating opinions, but I didn't realize that the OP was responsible for the oaths taken by someone else. I especially love that implication of slut shaming that frames the arguments. Great work guys!
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 13:29 |
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bunnybean posted:"Oh, her boyfriend found out her and I were having sex with each other. Around that time, they also decided it'd be a great time to start a family. I'd imagine between the pregnancy and our affair, she's got way too much on her plate to attend class. Strange, really... I mean there I was, just nailin' her like awww grrr tommy lee jones yeah! and I'm like this is great; she's straight so this doesn't even count! Well needless to say I found out later that it does count and she's definitely not straight and uh, now she won't speak to me. Anyway, that's why I can't be her lab partner." I'm sorry, but this is the perfect follow up to this: woozle wuzzle posted:Tell your professors/etc that you had a big facebook argument with her over same-sex marriage, and haven't spoken since. They'll nod their heads saying "Yeah my sister-in-law said this stuff about gun control, I understand". You'll be off the hook as the line of communication. If they don't get the hint from woozle's plan, just go with the truth. Oh, sure, you'll be outing yourself as someone who's cool with sleeping with committed people which is maybe a little lovely but otherwise you're way more likely to just cause whoever you're talking to to mentally shut down from the excess of personal information. Most likely they'll quietly walk away and never speak to you directly again.
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| # ? Mar 18, 2013 13:36 |
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Solkanar512 posted:These are incredibly fascinating opinions, but I didn't realize that the OP was responsible for the oaths taken by someone else. I especially love that implication of slut shaming that frames the arguments. Great work guys! Slut shaming has nothing to do with it; I'd say the same thing to a man. Basically cheating is pretty widely accepted as something you shouldn't do, and encouraging someone else to do it just so that you can get your rocks off isn't just some innocent pastime. Since if you know what you're doing, you should also be aware that you run the risk of ruining someone else's life knowingly, and that's a pretty lovely thing to do, no matter what your involvement. e: Also going back to the "slut shaming" accusation, I'm saying this as a woman who helped destroy a marriage this way. And I feel incredibly lovely about it to this day. Granted, the marriage was on the rocks, but actively providing a stepping stone out of his commitment via loving him and hurting is wife wasn't the way for him to get a divorce. I think someone would have to be some sort of sociopath to just go "welp, sucks to be you guys!" tifosibella fucked around with this message at Mar 18, 2013 around 13:45 |
| # ? Mar 18, 2013 13:39 |
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| # ? May 25, 2013 02:57 |
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Solkanar512 posted:These are incredibly fascinating opinions, but I didn't realize that the OP was responsible for the oaths taken by someone else. I especially love that implication of slut shaming that frames the arguments. Great work guys! I don't think you know what slut shaming means. Saying 'cheating is bad' has nothing to do with punishing somebody for having sex. Emotional cheating would be the same deal and that has nothing to do with sex. And you can push the responsibility onto the other person as much as you like, but it takes two to cheat. You are knowingly harming somebody else (and encouraging that harm to continue) and that makes you a jerk. EDIT: If it's still confusing, imagine the following scenario. Your wife has an affair with your best friend. By your logic, you wife is in the wrong but best friend is totally cool, did everything right. Is that how you would actually feel in this situation? jabby fucked around with this message at Mar 18, 2013 around 14:00 |
| # ? Mar 18, 2013 13:49 |
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