Samfucius posted:

Last spring my family took a trip and I went along. My sister brought an issue of Cosmo, which we read out loud when we needed to kill some time/get away from the grandparents. We came across the sex tips, and we found three of the worst I have ever seen. Not because they would be painful (though one of them could very easily be)but because of how... well, you'll see. When you read these, pantomime them if you can. If not, imagine them in your head. If the image doesn't send you into hysterics, you are a significantly different person than me and my sister. We seriously couldn't breathe from laughing so hard.



Triple points if you pantomime all three at the same time.

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

Am I supposed to picture rubbing the balls together by pinching them between your thumb and fingers and moving them like you're making your GI Joe's wrestle, or is it more of a "rolling the dice" move.

Come on, Cosmo. Be specific.

quote:

Make a Bedroom Burrito. While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket). Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin.

Pijonsnodt posted:

Just to establish from the get go that women's magazines don't have the monopoly on this poo poo, here's some from Men's Health:

Tempus Fugit posted:

I find this works a lot better with duct tape.

Guys Keep Score posted:

Pile Driver

The name Pile Driver conjures up a dramatic image! This position has the receiver lay on their back with their lower back and legs raised all the way up so that their ankles are either side of (and beyond) their own head. The exact end position will depend on the flexibility of the receiver. This position totally exposes the groin area to the giving partner who stands astride the receiver's groin to perform. The giver moves up and down on the receiver to create friction. The giver is also able to use their hands to caress and explore their partner's lower body.

This position requires considerable flexibility on the part of the receiver and it cannot be (fully) achieved by most, but it is wonderfully "naughty" due to the feeling of being totally exposed and 'giving it all'. Those less flexible might try getting into the position, but stop at the point where the position starts to become uncomfortable. The giver can also help those less flexible by using their hands to support the receiver's thighs at mid-point. The giver should be careful not to over-extend the penis beyond what is comfortable at this unusual angle (penis pointing downwards).

Pijonsnodt posted:

piledriver.txt

silversiren posted:

I've heard you can use Crisco and vegetable oil as lube but gently caress if I'm ever going to get any of that poo poo anywhere near my vagina.

silversiren posted:

I've heard you can use Crisco and vegetable oil as lube but gently caress if I'm ever going to get any of that poo poo anywhere near my vagina.

tumblr posted:

To really surprise your partner during sex, die.

Dave Attell posted:

If it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

Pijonsnodt posted:

Tellingly, they had to illustrate this with computer models. If your mental image isn't too clear:

http://i.imgur.com/vKgRlSJ.jpg

pijonsnodt posted:

piledriver

Pijonsnodt posted:

Tellingly, they had to illustrate this with computer models. If your mental image isn't too clear:

piledriving mannequins

Pijonsnodt posted:

Tellingly, they had to illustrate this with computer models. If your mental image isn't too clear:

jackhammering

Pijonsnodt posted:

Just to establish from the get go that women's magazines don't have the monopoly on this poo poo, here's some from Men's Health:

quote:

5th.-- Care should be taken that the time of copulation be convenient, that there may be no fear of surprise: for fear hinders conception. And then it were best also that the desire of copulation be natural, and not stirred up by provocation; and if it be natural, the greater the woman's desire of copulation is, the more likely she is to conceive.

I will add no more, but what some authors report, that a lodestone carried about the woman not only causeth conception, but concord between man and wife; if it be true, I would have no married woman go without one, both for her own and husband's quiet.

Maxim posted:

Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't.

Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.

Jisae posted:

Because you can't just, you know, ask a woman if she's on birth control. But if you do, be forceful about it because she will totally be turned on by your gruffness.

QueenQuintessence posted:

I once dated a guy who thought sperm could teleport.

Well not really, he just thought sperm was smart/strong enough to swim up into the vagina after being spunked about half a foot down the girl's thigh. Through her jeans. He also believed that STDs could just magically happen, even if both parties are virgins.

He was quite sheltered as a child.

RentCavalier posted:

Was this Catholic school? Because I heard the exact same goddamn thing.

r0ff13c0p73r posted:

Nurses came to my middle school and warned us that anal totally gets girls pregnant too.

Hamburlgar posted:

My dad's sex advise is the worse. He told me that the 'pull-out technique' is safer than condoms only to (years) later say that I wasn't planned.

Lonely Virgil posted:

Bite down on a woman's clit after orgasm to make her squirt.

ToxicSlurpee posted:

I remember having a guy tell me that all women, secretly, deep down in side want to be hit during sex and that you should always give it to every woman. Don't even ask, just smack her.

I just...I don't even...what? I know that SOME women are into the whole hair pully, nibbly, slappy kind of sex, but ALL women? That's a statement that reaches heights of insanity I never thought possible.

reality_groove posted:

I remember reading an article about old ideas about sex and apparently guys used to wrap watches around their dicks because they thought the radioactivity in the watches battery or luminescent display would sterilise sperm as they came out.

Samfucius posted:

Choco1980 posted:

My ex-wife and I once saw this in a porno we had gotten. We went from "yeah, porn!" to "confused dog head tilt" in about 3.5 seconds. I still can't figure out how the guy's dick wasn't broke in half from that angle.