Cosmo needs your help with new sex tips - The Something Awful Forums

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FedoraDefender420: Feb 25, 2011; I don't care how much money or how many white boys 50 cent can shoot. In front of James Hetfield he is a little bitch

I write for this really high quality magazine and we've started to run out of ways to spice up young couple's sex lives and brutally destroy penises. We've had some great ones in the past like

quote:

"Remove the attachment so it's just a plain hose. While you're wearing your underwear, have him turn it on low and hold it over your clitoris for a sexy sucking sensation. If the sensation is too much (or your vacuum has serious sucking power), have him hold it an inch above your underwear."

quote:

"Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

But right now we're running out of household objects. We're frankly out of ideas here, and we're desperate enough to ask GBS for advice. So, how do you guys add that special spark to your love life?

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:08

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 23, 2013 15:36

Sid Vicious: Oct 31, 2007; smoke

everyday

Tasers. Always tasers.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:09

rxcowboy: Sep 13, 2008; I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth; fucked both a chick and her mom

_{_{I will get anal. Oh yes.}}

surprise sex. Full on surprise sex.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:11

Kumbamontu: Nov 8, 2003; Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay.

take penis, insert into toaster

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:12

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Can I get the desk dildo?

Has anyone tried glue?

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:13

Joe Don Baker: Jun 20, 2004

Who reads magazines anymore?

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:13

King Pawn: Apr 24, 2010

Grasp his penis with both hands, and twist sharply in opposite directions like you're wringing out a wet cloth. He'll go absolutely wild!

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:14

SerSpook: Feb 13, 2012; the bestest and most birdish robot disguise

Two words: jumper cables.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:14

Sid Vicious: Oct 31, 2007; smoke

everyday

SerSpook posted:

Two words: jumper cables.

that's what I'm sayin

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:15

DasNasty: Jan 17, 2013; by T. Finninho

Catheters. Catheters everywhere.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:15

Toad on a Hat: May 27, 2004; He never raised his voice. That was the worst thing. The fury of the Time Lord.

And then we discovered why. Why this doctor, who had fought with gods and demons, why he'd run away from us and hidden.

He was being kind.

Pull the balls firmly and twist. Also be sure to apply icy-hot to your lips before oral coitus.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:16

HondaRider271: Jul 19, 2007; it's always good to have more

Use lots of teeth.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:18

AKA Pseudonym: May 16, 2004; A dashing and sophisticated young man

I bet zero gravity would be cool, and nobody's using the Space Shuttle anymore

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:18

Big Centipede: Mar 20, 2009; it tingles

1. Blindfold your man. 2. Tickle his penis with feather. 3. Tickle with ribbon. 4. Tickle with gloved hand. 5.Continue until you work your way up to cheese grater.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:19

PK Starstorm: Jun 2, 2011

HondaRider271 posted:

Use lots of teeth.

On his bollock hair.

http://www.cracked.com/article/156_...ou-in-hospital/

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:19

rufius: Feb 27, 2011; Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Head-On: apply directly to his penis.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:19

Cpt. Spring Types: Feb 19, 2004; Wait, what?

Put it in the butt.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:21

oye como va: Oct 25, 2005

Put finger in butt when giving oral sex.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:22

Breetai: Nov 6, 2005; Mah spoon is too big!

Urethral figging.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:22

superv0zz: Jun 23, 2006; Touch it.

SerSpook posted:

Two words: jumper cables.

One on the frenulum and one on the prostate!

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:24

Lucy Heartfilia: May 31, 2012; Step 1: A anime with a friend.
Step 2: A anime to keep the cold out.
Step 3: A anime too much.
Step 4: Drunk and riotous.
Step 5: The summit attained. Jolly companions, a confirmed waifu.
Step 6: Poverty and Disease.
Step 7: Forsaken by Friends
Step 8: Desperation and crime
Step 9: Death by suicide

oye como va posted:

Put finger in butt when giving oral sex.

That's actually a good idea though!?

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:24

Paradox Personified: Mar 15, 2010; SoroScrew

AKA Pseudonym posted:

I bet zero gravity would be cool, and nobody's using the Space Shuttle anymore

The Vomit Comet's always up for grabs. Just gotta be into voyeurism, but it'd be a nice handy-dandy bonus anyway.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:25

Cymbal Monkey: Apr 16, 2009; Can't post for 17 days!

Buy a sex doll (A Realdoll if you can afford it) and try to replace yourself with the doll without him noticing.

Addendum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI

Cymbal Monkey fucked around with this message at Mar 19, 2013 around 23:31

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:28

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Can I get the desk dildo?

Talk about your problems and how you feel like you are unable to surmount them

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:28

Cpt. Spring Types: Feb 19, 2004; Wait, what?

Always be crying.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:30

Ripoff: Apr 21, 2003; Pretty much.

When in doubt, poo poo it out.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:30

Tea Party Crasher: Sep 3, 2012; Ooga booga, where's all the honey at?

For the women: Using a cardboard tube, lure a small rodent into either the the vagina or the anus. Tell your man about this, but withhold which orifice the live animal is in. Imagine the excitement from the suspense as he makes a decision and tests his luck.

For the men: Eat Pop-Rocks as you preform oral. Tasty and fun.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:30

NewtGoongrich: Jan 21, 2012; I am a shit stain on the face of humanity, I have no compassion, only hatred, bile and lust.

PROUD SHIT STAIN

One word: felching.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:31

Zlatan Imhobitch: Sep 13, 2006; GATOR BAIT, APE, BLUEGUM, BROWNIE, COON, CROW, CHIMP, DARKY, 8BALL, GABLE, GROID, JUNGLE BUNNY, KAFFER, NIGGER, NIGLET, PICKANINNY, PORCH MONKEY, SAMBO, SOOTY, SPOOK, SPEARCHUCKER, THICK LIPS, WOG
...
YA GET ME???

Spit in that bitch's mouth.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:42

Lucinice: Feb 15, 2012; Aw hey that's cute.

Run over his dick with a truck.

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:45

Fluffy Bunnies: Jan 9, 2009; Half Dog.

Half Horse.

All Awesome.

The woman of today does not require a man to give her sexual satisfaction. Take your rear end down to your local sex shop and buy yourself a Rabbit.

Alternatively, if you are a gay man do the same. If you are a lesbian, wait for newegg to put that hitachi magic wand on sale again on mother's day.

E: Or you can just use chile flavoring as lube to make your bedroom super hot.

Fluffy Bunnies fucked around with this message at Mar 19, 2013 around 23:51

# ? Mar 19, 2013 23:46