|
I don't even know how to start this thread so I'll just go full fuckin' throttle here. An old friend and room mate passed recently. It was a freak accident repelling. I'm really shaken up by this, but I can't even imagine how the people who were actually there (people I know) are handling this. It's been a while, but I still can't manage to process that he's actually gone. Only three years younger than me, he had so much going for him. He was the coolest guy on the planet and he's gone. There's no way I am going to handle going to a viewing, so I won't, but I'm going to force myself to the funeral at least. This isn't the first time I've had to deal with this. In the 6th grade I made good friends with a kid (Mario) a grade below me. He didn't have the best home life but we always tried to make things better at school. Our family ended up moving that next year and I got the news that, into the middle of that year, he killed himself. Even when I was living with Zach, I had to deal with death. I watched the last few seconds of a man who decided to jump off the railing on the freeway. One time driving home, there was a car accident to my right lane on the highway at a stop sign where the individual (couldn't even identify the gender) where the front half of the car squished right into the car in front of it. Two times, in two different houses, the police were called because someone was trying to kill themselves. I've been fighting depression my whole life. There's been times where I've just about given up. Those few years ago living in Salt Lake were probably the worst, darkest times of my life. The Taylors helped me get through some tough times, and I regret moving out of Zach's place when things weren't going great. I figured I'd move back home, get away from the drugs, the partying, the corporate hell. I thought that maybe, for a little while, I could escape some tragedy. And now the last person on the planet I'd expect to pass has this happen to him. He accomplished so much more than I ever will in my entire life. It was an accident. I keep telling myself this. Death is inevitable and can happen to anyone. I keep telling myself this. Even if I was still a faithful Mormon, I can't stop this anger. This isn't loving fair god drat it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I have to keep my composure but I don't know how long I'll last.
|
| # ? Mar 21, 2013 07:30 |
|
|
|
| # ? May 19, 2013 07:43 |
|
|
By all means, scream and cry. There's no reason to keep your composure over this 24/7, unless your are in the vincinity of someone who may be frightened. Aside from the typical E/N advice of therapy, work out, it sounds like you really need to tap into or develop a support network. There are likely people in your life who care about you. Tell them what you are telling E/N, even if you aren't expecting a solution (perhaps let them know). It sounds like you are holding a lot in all the time, and that can get to you if you don't have a healthy way of resolving it internally. Going to a viewing and sharing your grief with other people going through the same thing would probably be good for you.
|
| # ? Mar 21, 2013 08:33 |
|
|
Weep.
|
| # ? Mar 21, 2013 21:59 |
|
|
I had 3 of my friends die from ages 15-23; the last one was my best friend. Find solace in the people that are still alive, immerse yourself in healthy habits like working out, sports, art, music, whatever, and work with a mental health professional to move on. Don't self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs. It gets better. Slowly. Very, very slowly.
|
| # ? Mar 21, 2013 23:28 |
|
|
Death is random and not uncommon. I feel like as kids our sense of normalcy is established in short time periods, during a time death wasn't nearly so common. But as an adult, it happens. It's sad, scary, frustrating, stressful, surreal. I've been lucky - my only touches with death have been indirect. Most notably, a bus I was on hit and killed a guy while I was on travel in San Fransisco. I had just spent the day reflecting about where I was in life, what I was doing, then BAM. Most recently, it was the sheet covered body of a cyclist seen out the side of the train window on my way to work. A girl died falling out of a window right next to the steps leading up to my apartment. Things like that. I guess my point is, don't feel like the universe is out to get you and your close ones. But also feel like you can be sad. Each death is different, but brings up memories of previous ones. It's something we spend the majority of our time pretending doesn't happen, and then we have to deal with it all at once.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 01:16 |
|
|
You say he already accomplished so much more in life than you ever will. Grieve for him and also think a little bit about what HE would want YOU to get out of life.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 02:16 |
|
|
pandaid posted:Death is random and not uncommon. I feel like as kids our sense of normalcy is established in short time periods, during a time death wasn't nearly so common. But as an adult, it happens. It's sad, scary, frustrating, stressful, surreal. I've been lucky - my only touches with death have been indirect. Most notably, a bus I was on hit and killed a guy while I was on travel in San Fransisco. I had just spent the day reflecting about where I was in life, what I was doing, then BAM. Most recently, it was the sheet covered body of a cyclist seen out the side of the train window on my way to work. A girl died falling out of a window right next to the steps leading up to my apartment. Things like that. Yeah, this is pretty much what I wanted to say earlier but I couldn't find the words to express it properly. I've seen my grandparents die (not unexpected), I've seen my aunt (Dad's older sister) die from cancer in the relative prime of her life, I've had my cousin OD on herion. A few years back, an acquaintance of mine died suddenly in a small plane crash. Before that, a guy I went to pilot school with died very unexpectedly (I only found out a month or two after the fact, which made it all the more shocking, and I never did find out how he died. Based on the obituary, I think it was suicide, and he certainly didn't deserve to go that way). When I was on vacation a few weeks ago, I saw the rather grisly result of a coach hitting two pedestrians. Death can be expected, or unexpected; accidental, or purposeful. The only thing that remains constant is it's all around us, every day. Some days, it hits really close to home, other days it's just a glancing blow. The only thing that's not healthy is to keep your feelings and your grief bottled up. You must let it out. Don't be afraid to be angry about it, to yell about it, to cry about it. The day after I found out my buddy died in a plane crash, it so happened that I came upon a group of anti-abortion protesters who were comparing abortion to the Holocaust. I lost my poo poo, called them a bunch of useless loving cunts at the top of lungs (in the middle of the university campus at around 9AM) and invited them to tell my buddy's wife how a small bundle of cells is worth the same as her husband, or tell me it's the same thing as my friend. By the end, I was crying, and just about ready to beat the gently caress out of them if they took even one step toward me. I don't know that it was a healthy response, but no one who was listening faulted me for a thing, and I eventually collected myself and felt better for letting the emotion out. It's a strong emotion, and it will poison you if you don't allow yourself to release it.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 03:06 |
|
|
Yeah let it out man, Relatives aside, just in the last few years a good friends brother died unexpectedly, and then a year later my best friend committed suicide. It's not even remotely easy to deal with these kind of things, you just gotta keep on keeping on. I cope with the loss of my best friend by remembering what was good about him, and trying to honor his memory in what I do everyday, I don't dwell on what happened or the circumstance that led to it. That isn't getting me anywhere. As everyone else has said, don't keep it all bottled up, and don't let it poison your outlook on life.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 08:50 |
|
|
My two best friends died in a plane crash a few years back. Don't bottle it up, seriously. I went into some serious depression because I never found any way to let out my pain until almost a year later. Whether it be therapy, talking with people close to him, working out, writing down your thoughts, whatever, just do something and don't make my mistake of trying to move on far too quickly.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 12:19 |
|
|
Don't feel like you have to "forget" him to move on. Talk about him, remember the good times and the bad. I know it's not much but I'm still going over the loss of my best friend just last October. There's definitely no shame on remembering your friend.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 12:24 |
|
|
Death is all of the above terrible things but it is also so incredibly normal and every day that I feel like we should all be more ready to deal with it. Without trying to make you feel more depressed, death happens to everyone. It's not an experience you have been cursed to deal with alone. If there are those who haven't dealt with it yet, they will. That death is normal and happens all the time does not mean that you should trivialize it and pretend it's not happening or it isn't affecting you. Accepting your feelings for what they are and experiencing the grieving process is incredibly important, whether you feel shocked, horrified, cripplingly sad, aware of your own mortality, or all of these things, it's important to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. There aren't any short cuts or ways out of dealing with death, if you don't allow yourself to feel it now, it will only creep up on you in the future and then it may be a much worse experience. My own experience with death has been fairly normal if a little too close to home. I am thankful that I have not yet had to go through having a friend or relative in my age group that I knew well die. My dad died of cancer when I was five (he was 32), a very close (but older) friend died when I was 14, my mom had a brain aneurysm and died last January (she was 52) and my paternal grandfather recently died. I'm grieving for all of these people, but if I allowed myself to become overwhelmed by death itself I would gain nothing, I would just be an unhappier person. If I become a little too messed up thinking about it, I like to remind myself of my smallness and my limited understanding of my existence. I am only a human being with an extremely, amazingly, incomprehensibly small understanding of things. Life and death are just concepts we invented to explain what we perceive as to be and then not to be. We cannot begin to say whether or not there is a God or "what happens" when we die. Time does not even exist as a linear series of events, we just organize it that way because our brains would struggle with anything else.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 23:15 |
|
|
My little sister died last month, today was actually her birthday. I released a balloon for her. Death is awful and terrible, it effects everyone. I'm no expert on grieving, since I'm still dealing with my own loss, but my advice is like that of others. Just cry, talk about how it hurts, but also talk about the good times. That will hurt too, but the happy memories, the ones that make you laugh, are always worth talking about. Remember him as he was, and appreciate yourself, and those around you, even more. You'll be alright, take it at your own pace. There's no right way to get through this, no correct speed. Just make sure your friends know you're hurting, so they can help you through it. We all lose someone close to us eventually, most people have a story, and you will share this with them and unite over it.  Feel better, it will get easier, even if it doesn't really go away. The pain just becomes different with time.
|
| # ? Mar 22, 2013 23:53 |
|
|
|
| # ? May 19, 2013 07:43 |
|
|
So, I've calmed down a bit since the OP. I pretty much wrote that out in a more hostile tone if you couldn't tell. I've been handling this in, hopefully, a normal way. I think after writing what I did, it was still about 2:30 AM or so and I just couldn't sleep. Not sleeping since hearing the news was pretty normal, now I'm just wearing myself out to try and be tired enough for sleep. But that night, I ended up just driving to God knows where, windows down, chill music, and crying. I let myself out a bit. I had told myself for a while that I'd only be going to the funeral and not the viewing. Today, though, I had an urge. I kept telling myself, "You'll never know unless you go, you'll never know for certain that he's gone, you'll live your life wondering when you'd see him again, it will hurt you, it's hard, you have to go," etc etc My boss gave me the OK to go see Zach. I thought I'd be there in time to give my condolences to the family and give Zach a goodbye. It turns out that, even though the doors were open and there were mortuary staff getting things ready, I was still too early. I didn't get too close to the body. I stood there long enough to take it in - this is Zach. He's gone and he isn't in pain anymore. It was surreal, just me and him, but I felt like it was almost too perfect. I got to say goodbye and I only became a blubbering baby after signing the book and leaving the building. Tomorrow, I'll obviously be a wreck at his funeral. It's funny though - here's my friend, dead, and I'm still trying to save face and not cry in front of him. Maybe it was out of my own fear, or respect, or something. I've been reading the posts here. And you guys are right - I shouldn't be taking this personal, it's a way of life. I'm going to die, you're going to die, and as much as you want to be ready for it you just aren't. Now I can believe he's gone. For a good week I thought I was in some terrible nightmare. While I was there, I was hoping, just maybe, he'd fling up and say "Surprise! Just kidding!" like he was just joking with me again. But now I can face reality. I'm ready for tomorrow.
|
| # ? Mar 23, 2013 04:54 |
|
