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i Want you to gently caress and Suck my Hot Rod.
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Dec 5, 2014 14:20
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 19:33 |
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This is the most recent sentence you have read.
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Jan 9, 2015 15:56
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I just saw a BMW driver use a turn signal so I guess maybe unicorns are real.
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Jan 26, 2015 01:42
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Jan 31, 2015 10:00
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists. [Receives Happy Meal] "This is neither of those things." I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looked like an Ewok. My neighbours listen to great music... Whether they like it or not. Just remember: you're only one murder away from making today a casual-ty Friday! Listen Google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like." *saves baby from burning building* "How can I ever repay you?!" "Like my status updates" "Oh I don't have Face-" *returns baby to burning building* Billionaire: I'd like to do something about crime. Butler: Being poor, I've got some great ideas-- Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat. "Did it hurt... When you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?" - Bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person If a restaurant host asks if you have reservations, nod nervously and ask "don't we all?" It's hard to pet a cat without planning world domination. "I'm telling you, it's all or nothing," the exterminator explains to Noah, "I can't just leave two woodworm. It doesn't work like that."
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Jan 31, 2015 12:23
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Now to Al with the Weather: I predict a solid 5 inches tonight, 7 if the lighting is right & I measure from the balls, Back to you, Linda.
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Feb 3, 2015 08:05
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Just had two birds hit my window. I think someone is playing Angry Birds with me. Feeling down? Park in a handicap spot and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you! When they say 'Flaunt it if you got it' I'm pretty sure they're not talking about stupidity This is the worst flea market ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene. Someone just left me a 2 minute 36 second voicemail. So cheer up about your day. If I found out I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious. Bringing a laser pointer to the lion exhibit at the zoo is as fun as it sounds.
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Feb 8, 2015 16:39
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More like Obummer
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Feb 9, 2015 06:59
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Jun 3, 2015 03:05
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CPR is basically just 2nd base, 2nd base, 2nd base, 1st base. Clark Kent: How's your lunch? Bruce Wayne: This soup is great. CK: Don't BW: You could even say CK: Please don't BW: It's Souper, man I don’t feel bad ignoring a baby when it cries. If it really needs something, it should message me Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" is probably my favourite song about alcoholism and urination. I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it. I hate when films say " 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME To be fair, "old-fashioned" doesn't necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist. Is Miley Cyrus' grandmother called Nana Montana?
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Jun 3, 2015 09:54
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"Ever been to a big box store and have them tell you they have no chicken!? Yup...that happened! Sams club was disappointing trip. Dont these ppl know 90% of my life is made up $1.99/lb chicken!? And that I dont want to come back out for a "maybe tmw?"" "If you can steady send me a game request every 3 hours on the dot and like NOT ONE of my posts, ever...GTFO"
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Jul 2, 2015 16:18
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drgnwr1 posted:"Ever been to a big box store and have them tell you they have no chicken!? Great stuff here. Did you come up with these yourself?
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Jul 6, 2015 02:05
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Not mine, but from an author I follow. When a politician extrapolates Gay rights as a gateway to "man on turtle" marriage, what you've got on your hands is a latent turtle fucker. I just love the phrase "Latent turtle fucker".
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Jul 6, 2015 06:48
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don't, you still eat food and that's all that really matters. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon. I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems. How To Ride An Escalator: -Step 1 -Now Just Chill for a Bit Don't believe that bullshit. Failure is ALWAYS an option. I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale. If a waitress comes to my table and asks if the food is good mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.
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Jul 6, 2015 13:50
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Puppy Galaxy posted:Great stuff here. Did you come up with these yourself? No it is not. They are 2 people I have as friends on facebook that are near constantly complaining about everything under the sun. Only went back a few days to find those 2
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Jul 6, 2015 17:21
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Another one I saw today from the husband of the first one I posted last time: OMG loving serious people? I think the purge really needs to happen... today's society... I wanna butch slap soon many ppl...this is called adult humor for adults purposely put there for adults that have to watch shows/movies. Do kids have a clue? No but stupid as ppl like this have to make a huge deal. Today's society bunch of pussies. The problem 90% stay at home moms who have nothing better to do. Like the whole happy holidays... gently caress you it's merry christmas. Just like kids sports and other things like that. It has to be fair everyone should get something. Guess What Life Isn't Fair, never is never will be. Take my generation back and look at today's generations. Entitlement..... y because parents today are lazy they just give. Or they just baby them which (wife name) is guilty of. I yell at her all the I yell at my son he runs and cries to her. What does she do? Oh come here is daddy being mean as she hugs on him and holds him... and I know I have pissed off all the stay at home moms, but most of u are the problem with society. Like example jimmy called my son dumb. So what happens big meeting between parents and teachers and many other people, when really it's a small thing. happens more than once then u call their dad bc mom. Yup gonna make it a big deal... y because women get pissed over the stupidest poo poo, or make a mountain out of a ant hill.....purge hipsters, and the WAY WAY over protective moms... OMG the wind blew on him(wifey knows) and that's what really grind my gears. 
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Jul 23, 2015 01:21
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 19:33 |
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You actually can get an STD from a toilet seat, but you have to sit down before the other person gets up. That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink. Ladies, did you know your biological clock has a snooze button? You can turn it on by witnessing literally anyone's kids in public places. How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing? I told my date I was depressed. I added, "not like cut my wrists depressed, but sleep with you even though I don't like you depressed." Her: I think you're my soul mate. Me: I'm so SO sorry for you. We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn't a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it and just drove by its house really slowly Little Red Riding Hood's gran is an animal in bed. Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments. Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice. How to get a woman: 1) Find one who sells cars 2) Take a test drive 3) Just keep driving She's yours now, plus you have a new car. The Ashley Madison site is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it'll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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Jul 23, 2015 13:31
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