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I'm really glad that TCC has been there for you Tuesday Morning. Apologies for the jerks though. I've been lurking in this thread for a while and wanted to pass on my condolences. By the way, you get bonus points for the Mr Scruff profile pic 
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Jul 11, 2013 00:13
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 02:11 |
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I didn't know thatdamnjew but I'm sorry for your loss, thank you for taking the time to post this, he will be an inspiration to me in the coming weeks as I fight to get clean. Good things can come from bad things, though it usually takes time. I really hope you and your family can begin moving back towards some semblance of happiness sooner rather than later. In closing, gently caress whoever was trolling in this thread, how would you feel if you lost a loved one and someone mocked you for it?
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Jul 11, 2013 03:51
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As a recovering alcoholic and addict I can empathize with the pain you are going through. Addiction is a dark road and unfortunately not all of us make it. You sound like a good women, a caring wife and a responsible mother. Please do not blame yourself, you did everything you could to help him you really did. It sucks that a man you loved and the father of your children was taken before his time, It's not fair and you did nothing to deserve this. I'm sure he was much more to you than just a cautionary tale, but his story might have already saved a life. If hearing it makes just one person stop and think then it brings purpose to a seemingly senseless death. Find support for yourself and your family where ever you can and talk about it as much or as little as you need to. Thank you for coming on here and sharing about it, it means a lot. Like a stone thrown into a pond, your life is a ripple on still water. The consequences of your actions are far reaching and you'll never know the true impact you continue to have on others even long after you've sunk into blackness. A man is never truly dead until he his forgotten.
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Jul 12, 2013 02:45
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Huggable Bear King posted:Like a stone thrown into a pond, your life is a ripple on still water. The consequences of your actions are far reaching and you'll never know the true impact you continue to have on others even long after you've sunk into blackness. A man is never truly dead until he his forgotten. There were letters to his kids that I found (I still can't re-read them; he wrote them prior to his second-to-last surgery, just in case) that asked them to say Kaddish every year on the anniversary of his passing. Kaddish is a Jewish prayer that requires being grateful to G-d for everything even after you've suffered a huge loss (usually it's called the Mourner's Kaddish but it has no mention of death); every day I try to be grateful for my existence and my children's continued existence in his honor. He will live in my / our hearts until the day I die, and then on from there in his children because I will raise them as an honor to his life and his contribution to this plane. I've already had people tell me his death has kept them alive or has touched them, and that's comforting.
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Jul 12, 2013 13:21
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Huggable Bear King posted:Thank you for coming on here and sharing about it, it means a lot. This right here. I know it's hard to talk about losing loved ones. You coming here and telling us all what happened means a lot to all of us, even those that didn't know him. So thanks for taking the time and making the effort and for what it's worth I'm terribly sorry for your loss 
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Jul 12, 2013 23:28
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Sorry it's been a while. Still no toxicology report but I did find his stash. There were a lot of (labeled) baggies and a number of vials. They were all mostly empty. He apparently had been taking phenazepam for months. The first reported incident I can come up with was back in March, and he was suffering from a lot of symptoms that could be linked to phenazepam withdrawal over the months following (as his supply dwindled and was replenished, I assume). I also found a bottle of propylene glycol. He had used it in the past to deal with his PTSD. Earlier this year he had started watching Restrepo, over and over, quite literally EVERY DAY, and he had said that spiked his PTSD issues and that's why he hadn't been sleeping. The rest of the story that unfolds as a theory in my head makes me feel a lot better overall because, while it was something I should have been able to help with, he was hiding it from me so I wouldn't worry and he knew how to hide things. It wasn't that I missed some detail, it was that he didn't want me to find out just how bad it was and I don't think he realized how bad it really was. So there's that. I'm ... I'm in a better headspace now because I've pieced together all this. I talked with his doctor about details he'd mentioned about his appointments and his doctor had no idea what I was talking about. Now I know why he didn't want me to go to his appointments with him. He had an addict's brain and knew the addict's game so he easily juggled all of us and kept himself right where he wanted to be. I can't fault him for that; it's who he was and I knew it when I married him. No judgement, no regret. Anyway, that's it for now. I'll update more when I get the report.
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Jul 21, 2013 21:09
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Tuesday Morning posted:Still no toxicology report but I did find his stash. There were a lot of (labeled) baggies and a number of vials. They were all mostly empty. I hope you've since destroyed it all. Tuesday Morning posted:Earlier this year he had started watching Restrepo, over and over, quite literally EVERY DAY, and he had said that spiked his PTSD issues and that's why he hadn't been sleeping. That is quite unsettling, he was clearly in a very dark place and wasn't participating properly in his appointments because he wasn't clean. I think he needed more help than you had known and not to say that he was entirely yours to help or that you could have helped him because I really don't know. This really illustrates the dangers of long term benzo abuse to self medicate anxiety disorders, especially serious ones. In this situation benzos ought to be used as a temporary solution to clear anxious hurdles along the way to recovery through lots and lots of therapy. There are different schools of thought regarding this in medicine and pharmacology in terms of whether benzos should be used long term or not (I side with 'not') but certainly the worst possible thing you can do in this situation is develop a runaway phenazepam problem.
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Jul 22, 2013 02:14
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Speaking as someone who grew up around a lot of PTSD (and been around it and dealt with it in adult life, too, pretty much continuously), PTSD is pretty much, by nature, unpredictable. Seemingly random, tiny things can really flare it up and get someone back into a defensive, them-against-the-world mindstate very quickly. It's depressing and scary because months of progress can be gone in half-a-second. Winding back down to a way of being that is more suited to living in society can take weeks or months in the best cases. As people live with it, it does smooth out much more for some, but others, for whatever reason, just don't. Many people have been through so much more than one brain should ever have to handle. Here in Oregon it has been a big, albeit pretty quiet local problem. Apparently in the last decade or so, Oregon LEOs have been trying to figure out what they can do to support all the vets they're running into with just wildly untreated PTSD. And it goes back a long ways, here, too. The logging and ranching industries have always had a lot of people who realized that they just couldn't be in society anymore. When I lived in Eastern Oregon, there were people who had made it clear they'd shoot anyone who came on their land. As long as they were left completely alone, they were usually not too much of a danger, but it was still a really sad situation all around. Thanks for taking the time and energy to share your story here. Probably everyone should learn about PTSD because probably everyone will learn about PTSD. And it is really worth it to learn how to be sensitive towards it and to the things that can cause it to flare up. Still, it is drat unpredictable and very hard to let go of or get away from.
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Jul 22, 2013 02:47
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The-Mole posted:Speaking as someone who grew up around a lot of PTSD (and been around it and dealt with it in adult life, too, pretty much continuously), PTSD is pretty much, by nature, unpredictable. Seemingly random, tiny things can really flare it up and get someone back into a defensive, them-against-the-world mindstate very quickly. It's depressing and scary because months of progress can be gone in half-a-second. Winding back down to a way of being that is more suited to living in society can take weeks or months in the best cases. As people live with it, it does smooth out much more for some, but others, for whatever reason, just don't. Many people have been through so much more than one brain should ever have to handle. Very interesting: we seem to be seeing the same problems that Viet Nam vets had back in my day. I suppose this should be expected. Yet we didn't read or see much about it in the run up to the recent wars. Of course, the politicians who pull the big trigger have mostly not seen combat personally. The press had had a long inter-war period prior to 9/11. Well, there was eastern Europe, but the scale of that pales compared to the present mess. However, I digress. The two guys I knew best who went to Viet Nam both came back messed up. One returned a junkie, and the other with more or less classic PTSD. The sins of the fathers and all that.
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Jul 22, 2013 04:33
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I recently had an evaluation of my IQ and some other testing done by a neuropsychologist, and the topic of weed came up. I was surprised to learn (from an accomplished psychologist, no less) that during Vietnam many of the commanders over there actually encouraged or even required their men to smoke weed because it calmed them down and eased the PTSD symptoms.
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Jul 22, 2013 15:28
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Silber posted:I hope you've since destroyed it all. Friday. Friday is trash day.
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Jul 23, 2013 04:55
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Tuesday Morning posted:Friday. Friday is trash day. May I ask why you are waiting to destroy it all? Or was that a reference of some sort?
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Jul 23, 2013 07:16
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I'm guessing she doesn't want a bunch of potent drugs sitting outside her home. Where people/animals can easily access it. I'm sorry for your loss, Tuesday Morning. Stay strong.
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Jul 23, 2013 19:20
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I'm very sorry for your loss. It's loving crazy how psychotic and paranoid Phen made him during his last days. Did you know if he ever exhibited psychotic symptoms before or were these truly a manifestation of Phen/combo?
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Jul 23, 2013 19:32
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RCarr posted:I'm guessing she doesn't want a bunch of potent drugs sitting outside her home. Where people/animals can easily access it. yeah, but you could flush them down the toilet or something. seriously, unless you're going to send them for testing or something just destroy/flush them now.
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Jul 23, 2013 21:30
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Epileper posted:yeah, but you could flush them down the toilet or something. That is exactly what I was thinking. You're much better off tossing them down the toilet than having them lay around your house for another four days.
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Jul 23, 2013 21:39
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Got the tox report. "determination: mixed drug intoxication. ruled: accidental" I'm going to go down there and pay to get the full investigation details including the tox report data. Man. I just ... I mean, I'm relieved because this will never show as intentional (nor should it) and therefore protects his reputation, so to speak, with the rest of the world, but ... it never should have happened. Anyway, that's really all I have to say. I wanted to make sure the thread got updated with the results. And I don't want to flush anything because I just put the new toilet in and I'll be damned if I'm letting anything clog it up or catch someplace for someone to find (that thing took for-freakin-ever to install correctly and has a smaller-than-normal internal pipe flange). Also because I ... I have this thing about littering and flushing inappropriate things. It makes the hippie in me cry. Also because I don't want to be held liable for anything trashpickers in my neighborhood might find. I was thinking of mixing it in with the dirty cat litter in the litter bag. Or I might burn it. But then I might get the whole damned neighborhood high if the wind shifts. There is a tiny temptation that's lurking to just keep it squirreled away but that's just because I'm still sad and prone to not thinking correctly. Friday.
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Jul 24, 2013 06:57
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Tuesday Morning posted:Got the tox report. Please don't take the drugs, if that's what you're hinting at. You're stronger than that.
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Jul 24, 2013 09:21
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Tuesday Morning posted:There is a tiny temptation that's lurking to just keep it squirreled away but that's just because I'm still sad and prone to not thinking correctly. Empty those bags and containers into the toilet, it won't clog anything, and the amount you'd be flushing is so insignificant it would have no effect on the environment. Then, rinse the bags and containers in the sink, and put them in the trash. Don't touch that poo poo.
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Jul 24, 2013 09:24
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Not to be a wiener or anything but flushing drugs actually does have an effect on the environment, you're right. Remember those stories a few years ago about how much tylenol and whatnot are in the water supply? Just seal it extremely well, wrap it all up in tape or something, and toss it in a dumpster. That way it'll be a long time before it makes it into the water supply, and when it does it'll be much more diffuse. Just make sure it looks like real trash so no dumpster diving kid finds it.
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Jul 24, 2013 14:55
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Here are the FDA recommendations for disposing of unused drugs. tl;dr: If it's a legit prescription drug, ask the pharmacy how to properly dispose of it. Otherwise, flush opiates and benzos. Anything else should be mixed with catshit, sealed well, and thrown in the trash.
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Jul 24, 2013 16:05
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Grind the drugs into the dirt somewhere remote if you're that worried about it.
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Jul 24, 2013 16:52
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Warchicken posted:Grind the drugs into the dirt somewhere remote if you're that worried about it. I ended up doing just this and then scooping the dirt up into the kitty litter.
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Jul 26, 2013 08:44
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Sorry to hear this! My condolences.
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Jul 30, 2013 23:59
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thatdamnjew posted:This is thatdamnjew's wife. Yes, I have cleared this with a mod. Don't sign your posts. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Jul 31, 2013 00:14
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syxxcowz posted:Don't sign your posts. Was this really necessary?
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Jul 31, 2013 02:02
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Albicorp posted:Was this really necessary? Since you've only been here since April you probably don't know there's a rule where you aren't supposed to sign your posts. Lurk more.
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Jul 31, 2013 02:15
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syxxcowz posted:Since you've only been here since April you probably don't know there's a rule where you aren't supposed to sign your posts. Lurk more. I think you should have just kept your mouth shut considering the content of this particular post. Good thing a mod put you on probation.
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Jul 31, 2013 03:28
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Albicorp posted:I think you should have just kept your mouth shut considering the content of this particular post. Good thing a mod put you on probation. Thank god the rules on this forum only apply to certain people. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Jul 31, 2013 04:20
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syxxcowz posted:Since you've only been here since April you probably don't know there's a rule where you aren't supposed to sign your posts. Lurk more. I think, of all the phrases I dislike on this forum, "lurk more" is the one I dislike most. Anyway, thank you to those of you in this thread who have said kind words, given good advice, and generally held out a hand to pick me back up. It's definitely hard, and it's not going to get much easier, but there is something to be said for having a lot of people I've never even met speak well of my husband and send their condolences. I appreciate the chance to have made this thread to read over and over through rough days. Thank you.
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Jul 31, 2013 06:22
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Oppressed Otherkin posted:Thank god the rules on this forum only apply to certain people.  Shithead. She can sign her husband's death announcement post if she wants.
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Jul 31, 2013 06:31
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Longanimitas posted:
Technically he didn't sign his post, and I didn't sign my own post since it wasn't under my username. I just wanted to make it clear that it wasn't him posting, even if it was pretty obvious by the content. I thought it added a note of finality and cosmic separation between HIS and MINE. Rambling. I didn't actually know there was a rule against that; I had always thought it was just a dumb thing to do so I had never done it until I felt I had to.
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Jul 31, 2013 06:45
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Longanimitas posted:
Tuesday Morning posted:Technically he didn't sign his post, and I didn't sign my own post since it wasn't under my username. Don't worry about it, it's just someone trolling because reasons. We all appreciate your updates regarding the situation, and hope your story will prevent harm to someone.
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Jul 31, 2013 07:30
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Longanimitas posted:
It would be terrible if this forum were run according to its actual established rules. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Jul 31, 2013 07:43
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Oppressed Otherkin posted:Thank god the rules on this forum only apply to certain people. Oppressed Otherkin posted:It would be terrible if this forum were run according to its actual established rules.  I'm sorry for your loss Tuesday Morning. Your husband seems like a great guy that ended up with the poo poo end of the stick.
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Jul 31, 2013 08:57
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That's a tough read and a tough write I'm sure. I thought a death would be the only tragic part of this thread, I can't imagine staying with someone not only through that level of drug abuse but through having a gun pointed at you by them. I imagine that's a tough mix of emotions to sort out, feel free to PM me if you need another ear. To add to what others have said this thread is informative and helpful even if sad. I'm pretty much stuck on/to benzos and I wasn't even aware of benzo with a 60 hour half life, is it really that strong or is it just the halflife guaranteeing benzo build up/dependency if you take it regularly?
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Jul 31, 2013 09:18
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wow im loving gay and i poo poo aboo boo boo (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Jul 31, 2013 18:23
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extra stout posted:That's a tough read and a tough write I'm sure. I thought a death would be the only tragic part of this thread, I can't imagine staying with someone not only through that level of drug abuse but through having a gun pointed at you by them. I imagine that's a tough mix of emotions to sort out, feel free to PM me if you need another ear. To add to what others have said this thread is informative and helpful even if sad. I'm pretty much stuck on/to benzos and I wasn't even aware of benzo with a 60 hour half life, is it really that strong or is it just the halflife guaranteeing benzo build up/dependency if you take it regularly? I'm pretty sure it's a 60 hour half-life regardless, which is why it's so dangerous. Don't do it; it's too unpredictable. If you get the amnesia effect and redose, it's badness for days rather than hours. If you have to, just stick with regular run-of-the-mill benzos. Much less room for extreme mistakes because they fix themselves quicker. I never minded when he had Valium nights, or Xanax nights. I knew he used them when he needed them. This was ... this was just beyond ridiculous. I stayed because I had no idea; this whole event took place over three days - Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday. I actually left Thursday to give him some time to cool down and for the drugs to wear off, and I had planned to discuss rehab with him when I got back. When I got back, though, it was too late. Sigh.
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Jul 31, 2013 19:28
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Warchicken posted:Don't worry about it, it's just someone trolling because reasons. We all appreciate your updates regarding the situation, and hope your story will prevent harm to someone. Hey, a thread's not a thread till FYAD invades it, right? I'm glad this was so well-received. I actually was kind of nervous when I posted it.
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Jul 31, 2013 19:30
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One thing I don't understand about Phenazepams half-life danger is that Diazepam has a longer half-life and is widely prescribed as a miracle drug. Is it solely due to the fact that Phenazepam has very powerful hypnotic, sedative and amnesiac effects that Diazepam doesn't have?
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Jul 31, 2013 20:00
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