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JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!




Oh, you're back.
Yes indeed I am! Some of you may have followed my TNA PPV review thread, a project which I've sadly put on hiatus (due to not being able to find footage of the shows I WANT TO loving REVIEW, GODDAMMIT). Despite blowing a mental gasket at least twice per event, it was something I did enjoy doing. It widened my knowledge of the art, introduced me to some fantastic performers I was unaware of, and (through forcing me to wade through mountains of poo poo) gave me a keener appreciation of good wrestling.

So what's next?
WWF Pay Per Views of the 21st century. Although I did enjoy my foray into the unknown, now I'm after something a little more familiar. I've been an on-off fan of the WWF/E since the age of seven. I've managed to pinpoint the start of my fandom somewhere around King of the Ring 2000, although I was never able to watch PPVs (due to a lack of Sky TV, the only source of such entertainment in the UK). Now I think it's time to reward my past self for 13 years of patient waiting: it's time to watch some WWF!

Where are you starting from?
I considered a few different shows. King of the Ring 1996, arguably the start of the Attitude Era, was one. I felt it was too far back however, and I'd rather start with a more familiar roster of workers. I also thought about King of the Ring 2000, which I mentioned is probably the closest PPV to the beginning of my time as a fan, as well as Wrestlemania 2000. Ultimately, though, I'm going to go with the first PPV of the 21st century: Royal Rumble 2000!

gently caress YEAH, ROYAL RUMBLE!
Exactly. Who doesn't love a good Rumble. I'll also be keeping the same "Wrestler of the Night" and "Wrestler of the Year" standings as I did in the TNA thread. I'll try to keep nostalgic bias out of this as much as possible, although hopefully my personal definition of "good wrestling" is a tad more sophisticated than it was when I was a wee boy. If seven year old Jack had his way, the charts would probably be dominated by Kane, the Dudleys, and Steve Blackman (seriously, he was badass).

Let's orientate ourselves for a moment before we begin. Here's a list of the WWF Champions immediately prior to the 2000 Royal Rumble.

quote:

WWF Champion: Triple H
Intercontinental Champion: Vacant*
Tag Team Champions: The New Age Outlaws
European Champion: Val Venis
Hardcore Champion: Test
Light Heavyweight Champion: Gillberg
Women's Champion: Stephanie McMahon

*A convoluted match ending had resulted in reigning champion Chris Jericho and challenger Chyna being recognised as co-champions. However, Wikipedia informs me that the WWE officially regards this joint-reign as a vacancy.


Additionally, we find ourselves in the aftermath of the shocking hit & run assault on Austin, at the hands of a mystery driver. When will he return? Who is the culprit (shhh, I know you all know who it is)? Truly, it is a great mystery.

Another conspicuous absence from the roster is The Undertaker, taking time off for torn groin and pectoral muscles unceremoniously fired by Vince McMahon for refusing to take part in a casket match against Triple H. I doubt we'll ever see him again.

So, without further ado, let's delve deep into the midst of the Attitude Era. Prepare for good wrestling, ATROCIOUS wrestling, blood, gimmick matches, and god knows what else.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 2, 2014 around 22:42

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JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


SHOWS REVIEWED

2000
Royal Rumble
No Way Out
WrestleMania 2000
Backlash
Insurrextion
Judgement Day
King of the Ring
Fully Loaded
SummerSlam
Unforgiven
No Mercy
Survivor Series
Rebellion
Armageddon

2001
Royal Rumble
No Way Out
WrestleMania X-Seven
Backlash
Insurrextion
Judgement Day
King of the Ring

End Of Year Awards - 2000
WWF Wrestler of the Year - 2000

JGKing fucked around with this message at Nov 17, 2014 around 16:04

Hijo Del Helmsley
Jul 18, 2012



This is going to be rad and I salute your intentions.

Grope-A-Matic
Nov 16, 2008

sigh... you really suck at hand
to hand combat i wont lie and
this is way more challenging
then i thought it would be. to
teach you hand to hand combat,
alright i will try to teach you
some more hand to hand combat


I am going to enjoy every single horrible minute of this.

Revenant Threshold
Jan 1, 2008


This is basically the time period I watched as a kid, so looking forward to seeing how all the things I thought were awesome were actually horrible!

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Anybody remotely interesting is mad in some way or another.


Well you picked a hell of a starting point at least, the Cactus Jack/Triple H match is pretty amazing.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000 - New York, New York


PART 1

My, this is exciting. A hellacious tonne of pyro kicks off the first PPV of the new Millennium, and I'm incredibly refreshed to hear the voice of none other than JR welcoming us to Madison Square Garden! He and King hype the Royal Rumble match (although there's no way anybody could be anymore hyped for that ) as well as the World Title match: a streetfight between Triple H and Cactus Jack! Even without Austin and 'Taker this looks to be a pretty stacked card, as the very familiar theme of Kurt Angle blares around the arena! He makes his way to the ring to face a mystery opponent, and it's pretty weird to hear his music without the accompanying "YOU SUCK!" chants.

JR mentions that Angle is undefeated in the WWF (crazy!) as he enters the ring. He does the standard old-school heel shtick, blasting the Knicks and Patrick Ewing (was he even still playing at this point!?), but dammit he does it so well. It's pretty clear even before seeing any in-ring action that Angle has the charisma of a future star. He mentions his mystery opponent and the crowd immediately breaks out into a "we want ____" chant which I can't quite make out. Okay, I totally can, but for the purposes of this thread I'll pretend I can't. Angle mockingly tells his opponent to take a deep breath, give it his all, and remember the "three Is" (intensity, integrity, and intelligence. I had to Google that; I could only remember two. Dammit intensity!) He gets rid of the mic and...TAZZ'S MUSIC HITS! DEBUT TIME!

1. Kurt Angle vs Tazz
Tazz comes down with that ludicrous rag over his head. Angle offers him a handshake...AND IS MET WITH RIGHT HANDS! As we are in the Attitude Era, I'm tempted to do a tally of faces acting heelishly. That definitely counts as one point, which will be hereafter signified by the following emote: . The pair brawl outside, and Angle reverses a vertical suplex into one of his own. The set looks awesome by the way, the entrance ramp painted to resemble a road. The walls are sprayed with graffiti to compliment the theme. Back in the ring now, and Angle hits a picture perfect belly-to-belly. He heads up top "uncharacteristically" according to JR (clearly Jim has yet to see that beautiful moonsault), and Tazz hops up after him to deliver a belly-to-belly of his own. It's weird to see Tazz in shape, as these days he's obviously fat as gently caress. I can actually see where his legs begin in this match.

Angle regains control with a small package for 2, before hitting a bridging German for another near fall. Tazz now hits a belly-to-back (after some clear struggling from Angle; good stuff). He nails Kurt with a couple more suplexes before locking in the Tazzmission, although Jr and King obviously aren't yet sure what to refer to it as. Oh wait a second, Angle is OUT! Jesus that was fast.

Winner: Tazz 1.5/5 - Fine for what it was: a suplex-dominated squash match. I'm not really sure about the booking here. I get that they want to warm up the crowd with an opening hometown victory, but is it wise to have Angle lose his undefeated streak in such a quick and simple fashion?

Tazz leaves with minimal fuss while EMTs rush out to load Angle onto a stretcher. Jesus, he got squashed HARD. JR even puts on a serious voice as if he's legitimately passed out. He and King then debate whether the Tazzmission is a legal sleeper or illegal chokehold, but the victory is awarded to Tazz either way.

The Hardys and Terri Runnels are backstage with a VERY fresh-faced Michael Cole. They have an upcoming tables match against the Dudleys. Terri is a really poor fit as manager of these guys, although I may just be saying that with the benefit of Lita-hindsight. Jeff does some ACTING and tells Terri that there's no way she'll be accompanying them tonight in such a violent environment.

2. Tag Team Tables Match: The Dudley Boyz vs The Hardy Boyz
The Dudleys cut a generic "your sports team sucks" promo before jumping the Hardy Boyz as they make their entrance. The bigger pair immediately GET THE TABLES~! and set one up in the middle of the ring. Jeff is almost backdropped through one immediately, but Matt is able to kick it out of the way. Bubba slides to the outside only to be immediately nailed by a flying Jeff Hardy, who then goes to town on him with a chair found at ringside. JR has already mixed the two high-fliers up. Good job, Jim! Devon and Matt tease sending one another through the table in the ring, but it's a sloppy and unconvincing exchange. Jeff half-stands a table at the foot of the entrance ramp and sits Bubba on it, before running along the guardrail and attempting to flatten the Dudley. Bubba is up in time, however, and throws the table in Hardy's face as he flies. (Surely a simple roll to the side would have left Jeff to crash through the table itself, huh Bubba? ) Jeff and Matt double team Bubba in the ring, setting him up for a double-superplex through a table, but Devon is in with plenty of time to spare and moves the object away. There is very little fluidity to this match; they're just trundling from one spot to the next it seems.

The Hardys now bring a ladder into the ring and use it to gain the upper hand. I'm tempted to award a face-acting-heelishly point for this (and the earlier use of the chair), but it's more a tactic against the spirit of the table match rather than flagrant rule-breaking. It is no-DQ after all. Further chairshots to Bubba's cranium, and Matt lies him across a table on the outside. He scales a nearby ladder while Jeff climbs a turnbuckle...and the pair (almost) simultaneously crash into the Dudley's prone body! Bubba's eliminated, and the Hardy's are surprisingly quick to their feet. They begin to dominate Devon with steel chairs, and it dawns on me that I'm literally watching two skinny white kids beat the gently caress out of a couple of far larger, scarier men with little response. A nice, cartoonish sequence follows as Matt lays Devon across a table on the outside. He tries to drop a leg from the top rope to the outside, but Devon manages to scramble out of the way. Matt crashes and burns, but Devon is forced to take evasive action straight away as he's sitting on another table, and only narrowly manages to avoid Jeff Hardy coming from loving NOWHERE (I'm guessing from inside the ring, but he flew onto the scene from off-camera and it looked mightily impressive).

Bubba's recovered by now, and he and Devon set up a pair of ring steps with a table bridging the gap between. Devon sets Jeff on Bubba's shoulders and he powerbombs the Hardy into oblivion from the middle rope! That made a satisfyingly loud noise. JR tells us that "Matt Hardy just got folded up like an accordion", which would be a wonderful simile if he would JUST GET THE DUDE'S loving NAME RIGHT! The Dudleys continue to beat down Matt and take him through the crowd slightly to a side-exit kinda deal. They create a two-tier table setup and lay him across the top, but Jeff comes along to save the day with a chair! Or at least half save the day. He takes down Devon, but Bubba snatches the chair off him like the grown-rear end man he is, and lays him out as if swatting an irritating fly. The Dudley grabs Jeff by the hair and the pair scale a short flight up steps until they're above the tables below. Bubba then...leaves Jeff alone and prepares to dive onto Matt!? Why even bring Jeff up if you're just going to leave him alone once you're up there!? I know I shouldn't have expected a psychology masterclass from a Dudleys/Hardys tables match, but c'mon. Jeff low blows the FOOLISH Bubba and shoves him off through the tables (Matt rolling handily out of the way), before SWANTONing off to send Devon through one remaining table and win the match!

Winners: The Hardy Boyz 2.5/5 - Entertaining fluff. The big table spots were cool, but everything else about the match was pretty lethargic and sloppy. Table spots carried it though.

We get quite a nice brotherly touch, as Matt triumphantly fireman-carries Jeff to the ring to celebrate. JR even managed to get Jeff's name right as he dove off ("DON'T DO IT JEFF!") despite calling him Matt from the opening bell.

A bunch of legends including Slaughter, Moolah, and Freddie Blassie come out to...(goddammit)...come out to judge the Miss Rumble 2000 Swimsuit Contest. King is the host, and isn't he just in his loving element? A bunch of divas come out and strip down to their bikinis, while we get a few shots of the judges earnestly jotting down some notes. I'd have probably gone crazy for this in my early teens, which seems to be the mental age Lawler is permanently stuck in. I'll concede that I've always been quite a fan of The Kat. And not the dancing jobber from WCW. Finally Mae Young comes down and just straight up gets her tits out (although they're thankfully blurred out on the video I'm watching; I genuinely feel for all those in attendance), until Mark Henry rushes in and covers her with a towel. He was her lover at this point, remember? Although I'm not sure if this was before or after the birth of their baby hand (seriously Vince, what the gently caress!?). Mae is announced the unanimous winner of the contest and I'm losing the will to live.

3. WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Chris Jericho vs Chyna vs Hardcore Holly
Here we have our first title match of the evening (of the century!), and it'll hopefully resolve the messy situation discussed in the OP. Chyna and Jericho are both champions. Or neither of them are. Or something. Why is Holly involved?

Jericho cuts a promo on his way to the ring ("WELCOME TO MADISON...SQUARE...JERICHO!") and the fans are hot for him, despite his status as a bratty heel. Holly kicks off the match by immediately shoving Chyna in the face, while JR describes him as "something of a chauvinist at heart". Fantastic. Jericho gets a hard slap in the chop for his troubles, and I feel the need to remind Bob that Jericho's been around quite a while by this point. Just because he's still in his debut year in the WWF doesn't mean he's green enough to murder. Y2J cracks him back, before Chyna tops them both with slaps of her own. Holly tosses her out of the ring and he and Jericho go at it. I'll point out that although Chyna is undoubtedly jacked here, she does at least have a womanly shape about her. This is slightly after her time as DX's bodyguard, during which she was pretty loving huge.

Y2J and Holly run through a basic exchange (whip, leapfrog, you know the drill) before entering into a chop-battle which Bob obviously wins. He rather unwisely goes for headscissors, though, allowing Jericho to catch him mid-fall and clamp on the Walls! The crowd pops, but Chyna is quick to break up the submission with a clothesline to the back of the head. This gets a few boos, which JR and Lawler actually address and attribute to the large number of Y2J fans in the building. This is something glaringly missing from today's product; how many times have you seen a smarky crowd tear into Sheamus only for the commentary team to furiously ignore them? Chyna and Holly wind up brawling on the outside, allowing Jericho the time to leap onto a turnbuckle and drop Bob with a big crossbody! That was crisply done. Chyna drags Y2J back into the ring and I can't help but notice that she's operating at a slightly slower pace than the two guys. She's nowhere near the plodding level of your average non-Stratus/non-Lita diva, but it's kind of noticeable next to Jericho especially.

Chyna beats Jericho into the corner and hits her stupid handspring-elbow thing, a move I have very little time for. It really has very little point when a simple back-elbow would suffice. Then again, I do love the Worm. And the People's Elbow, for that matter. Anyway, subconscious sexism aside, Chyna plants Jericho with a DDT for a near fall. All three end up back on the outside, and Holly grabs a chair to measure Chyna with. Stay classy, Bob. Jericho shows perhaps a shade of chivalry and momentarily distracts Holly, allowing Chyna to dropkick the chair back into his face. The pair roll Holly back in and hit tandem (actually badly out of sync) splashes from the top. Both cover for a 2 count, before getting into a shoving match in the center of the ring. Chyna low blows Jericho while the ref checks on Holly , before sending her "co-champ" out of the ring and hitting a very weak Pedigree on Bob. 1...2...BOB KICKS OUT! That was a VERY near fall, so much so that I thought Chyna was getting the belt.

Everybody fights to establish control. Jericho hits a very nice crossbody on Holly, but Bob regains control shortly afterwords with a no-frills kick to the head. Whatever works. Chyna heads out of the ring and grabs a chair, drilling Holly when the ref's back is turned ! What the gently caress, Chyna!? Holly's lights are pretty much out, allowing the Ninth Wonder to grab his legs and apply the Walls of Jericho. Y2J is all like "gently caress that!" and hits her with a lightning fast bulldog. The Lionsault follows...and that's the three count! BIG pop for Jericho on winning the title.

Winner and UNDISPUTED Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho 1/5 - A pretty boring, sloppy match here. Jericho was clearly the most talented in there by a country mile, but Chyna prevented the match from really getting out of second gear. Holly wasn't on top form here either, resulting in a quite forgettable contest.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:55

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000


PART 2

"................FINALLY...The Rock HAS COME BACK...to New York City."

Yes, we begin part to with a backstage Rock interview, and he's just electric. Michael Cole asks him how he thinks he'll fare in the Royal Rumble match later this evening. Rocky replies that he sees two potential dangers in the match: Crash Holly and Headbanger Mosh. If he gets past those two, he thinks he MIGHT have a shot at winning the match. Amazing.

Cole asks if The Rock shouldn't be more concerned about the Big Show, leading the Brahma Bull to go on one of his tirades about how he's The Great One etc etc. I realise here that the actual content of The Rock's promos is pretty much trash. He doesn't really say anything unique or interesting. What makes him so captivating on the mic is the way he says it; the man has an unbelievably attention-grabbing cadence. The Rock finishes up by expressing his wish that he and Big Show are the last two in the Rumble so that he can prove he is the better athlete on his way to winning the Rumble. IF YA SMELLLLLL...(lalalalow) what the ROCK...IS...COOKIN'. *eyebrow*

It's been a while since I've seen a Rock promo. It's a bit like listening to an old favourite song you know inside out.

The next match (introduced by a short hype video which makes me yearn for the days when the tag team division was interesting) is between the New Age Outlaws and the Acolytes. The challengers have two different words for the DX-affiliated champs: "rear end-KICKING". Uh oh.

4. WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The New Age Outlaws (c) vs The Acolytes
The crowd are MOLTEN for the heels' entrance. Road Dogg does his usual thing, but Gunn can barely instruct everybody to suck it before Faarooq and Bradshaw are in their faces. The challengers immediately beat down the Outlaws around the outside of the ring. Billy tries to regain control inside, but Bradshaw catches his crossbody attempt and big boots Road Dogg while holding his partner aloft! He hits the big fallaway slam on Gunn and the champs are immediately in trouble. Faarooq mocks Road Dogg's crazy knees dance before hooking him up for the Dominator, but Billy scoots in from the apron to drag his partner to safety. Road Dogg does that punchy-dancey spot of his, before hitting the ropes to drop the knees...only for Bradshaw to yank him down by the hair. Booooo. That's an accumulated point for jumping the heels at the bell and being just a little too dastardly in the ring. It all breaks down now as all four men enter the ring, and Bradshaw TURNS BILLY GUNN INSIDE OUT with that Clothesline from Hell! That was brutal. Billy's not a small man but he got serious hangtime. Ouch.

Faarooq hits his ugly spinebuster on Road Dogg (seriously, I had to pause for a second and watch Arn Anderson's on 'Taker to cleanse myself), but Gunn is able to drag the referee out of the ring before he can count to three. Bradshaw is pissed off and shoves Gunn into the crowd barrier, inadvertently stunning the ref as well. Uh oh. An Attitude Era ref bump. That can only mean one thing. Back in the ring the Acolytes hit a double-powerbomb on Road Dogg but there's nobody to count the fall. And HERE'S the run in. It's X-Pac, and he wastes no time in hitting a spinning-heel kick on Bradshaw. Faarooq puts a stop to that with another UGLY spinebuster on Pac, but Billy is able to use the distraction to hit the Fame-Asser on Bradshaw! The ref's back in and..wait GUNN WASN'T THE LEGAL MAN! Ughhh, nevermind. 1, 2, 3.

Winners and STILL WWF Tag Team Champions: The New Age Outlaws 1/5 - A short, pretty slow-paced match (as you'd imagine, given the participants involved). Nothing too offensive here though. A solid, if unspectacular matchup. Just like most of the show so far, really.

Hype video now for the upcoming WWF Championship match. We see Triple H winning the title from Big Show (on an episode of RAW, no less) only for Mankind to stand up to the "McMahon-Helmsley" alliance and get beaten down by all of DX. Steph and Hunter then fire Mick, only for The Rock to lead a mass locker-room protest in Foley's honour. Triple H caves and reinstates Foley, and the pair are booked in a street fight at the Rumble. On the final RAW before the PPV, the Game delivers a massive beating to Mick, clocking him with the ring bell and Pedigreeing him through the announce table. This leads to Smackdown, and Foley's famous "Cactus Jack is back!" promo (which Triple H sells beautifully, by the way) and we end with a montage of the challenger doing utterly unholy things to his body over the years. Heartwarming.

5. WWF Championship Street Fight Match: Triple H (c) vs Cactus Jack
Foley gets a big reception as the underdog, babyface, and hometown boy. Triple H is out to "My Time", a theme I always had quite a soft spot for. Foley talks trash for a while at the bell, before snapping and rocking the champ with a few big rights. They brawl around the ring for a while, before the Game slides to the outside to regroup. Foley's straight after him though, and plants him with a neckbreaker on the mats. He slams Triple H's head into various ring steps, announce tables, and so on, until the champ craftily grabs the ring bell and DROPS Mick with it. The champ grabs a chair and heads into the ring, inviting Mick in with him unarmed. True to form, Foley is straight in there. Idiot. He rushes the Game and gets utterly demolished by the chair, while JR brings up his infamous "I Quit" match with the Rock at Royal Rumble '99. It's a spot which really highlights the character of either man: Triple H utilitarian and wiley, Foley bold and fearless.

On the outside now, Mick manages to backdrop a charging Triple H into the crowd. They brawl through a section of MSG before arriving at the entrance. Foley sets up what looks like a few shittily glued planks of wood (and pretty much is), and suplexes the Game right onto them. Ouch. That looked uncomfortable. Mick keeps up the punishment, howling in Triple H's face before decking him with a trash can. They finally brawl their way back to ringside and Foley rolls Triple H into the ring...before snatching a barbed-wire wrapped 2x4 from underneath the apron! It's been a while since I've seen anything like that in the PG WWE. It's safe to say that Foley isn't thinking about "Being a Star" as he measures the Game...but Triple H hits a low blow and takes the 2x4 for himself! He beats Foley around for a while, the barbed wire actually ripping parts of his shirt, before Mick regains control with a 2x4 assisted low blow. The following Double Arm DDT puts both men on the canvas for a while.

The ref hastily removes the weapon from the ring and we get a lovely shot of one of the Spanish announcers tentatively placing it beneath his table, while JR and King urge him to do so. Foley wakes up and searches for the 2x4 but he doesn't know where it is. He threatens Earl Hebner who relents and points to the Spanish announce table. Mick goes over and PUNCHES THE INNOCENT COMMENTATOR before his broadcast partner quickly retrieves the weapon for him. You bully, Mick! Back in the ring Foley hits the Game directly in the face with the barbed wire, before elbow-dropping it right onto the prone champ! Triple H is well and truly busted open now, but still manages to kick out just before 3. One thing I do like about Triple H's character (and that of most main event heels in the Attitude Era, really) is that he may be a dastardly cheat, but he's still but over as a tough S.O.B when his underhanded tactics fail. You don't really see that as much these days, with superstars often losing or gaining huge amounts of resiliency and heart with each one of their turns.

Ughhhhh nasty spot now as Mick rakes the barbed wire across Triple H's forehead. They head to the announce table now, and Mick looks to piledrive the Game through! No! It's reversed into a backdrop, and the table sort of half-breaks. Man, Triple H looks like a mess. One of his legs has been cut open hardway. They brawl around some more, but the 2x4 shots have sort of lost their shock value now. Luckily the champ senses it's time to switch things up, and grabs a black bag from Finkel at ringside. Inside are a pair of handcuffs. "What's he going to do with those?" muses Lawler. Really Jerry? In a nice callback to the "I Quit" match, Triple H locks Mick's hands together behind his back and lays into him with rights. He brings a set of steel steps into the ring BUT MICK HITS A NICE DROP-TOE HOLD INTO THEM! He proceeds to bite the champ while Earl desperately tries to drag him off, and the intensity of this match is ramping up even more. Triple H regains control and hammers a steel chair over Mick's spine so hard that a piece actually flies off!

In a strikingly familiar image, Triple H chases Foley up the entrance ramp with steel chair in hand, occasionally smashing him with a big shot. Mick kneels before the champ and yells at him for more, and the Game is about to oblige when...The Rock flies out of the entrance and nails Triple H with a chair of his own! In a slightly bizarre moment, a police officer also comes down and unlocks the handcuffs for Mick. Imagine if the same happened for Cena; we'd all be up in arms. In fairness, Cena would probably overcome the odds with the cuffs on, and hoist the title in his mouth to close the show. OH MAN! Mick drags Triple H over to the Spanish announce table and hits a (pretty sloppy) piledriver, and the table doesn't budge an inch. Yeesh. Foley heads under the ring and...uh oh...brings out a very familiar looking bag. He gets into the ring and pours hundreds of thumbtacks over an area of the canvas. I'd love if they just left them there during the upcoming Rumble, and the 30 men had to fearfully wrestle around them.

Stephanie comes down to plead with Foley but he pays no attention and rushes at The Game (no heel points for Mick here. It's a loving Street Fight against Cactus Jack Steph, what did you expect?). Triple H is alert though, and BACKDROPS MICK INTO THE TACKS! He follows it up with a Pedigree and the pinfall is surely academic. 1...2...NO! MSG pops huge as Foley gets a shoulder up! No more bullshit, decides the champ, and he drags Mick back to his feet and hits a SECOND PEDIGREE FACE-FIRST INTO THE THUMBTACKS! Jesus. The camera catches quite a few tacks sticking out of Foley's forehead as Hebner counts the inevitable three.

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: Triple H 4.5/5 - In terms of sheer match quality this wasn't very good, to be honest. But so many other factors make it a great contest; the intensity, the atmosphere, the psychology of both men, and the numerous horrible bumps taken by both. A worthy title match, the first contest to really ignite the PPV, and we've still got the Rumble to look forward to!

EDIT: Wait, Foley's not done! While Triple H is being stretchered out (yeah, let's stretcher out the guy who didn't get his face driven into thumbtacks) Mick chases him down the ramp and continues to beat on him! Displaying Austin levels of sadism, he wheels the Game back to the ring and drives him into the apron! Triple H is rolled back into the ring and drilled with one last 2x4 shot to the head, and the truck monkeys obligingly play the Cactus Jack theme for Foley as he parades around the ring triumphantly. What a monster.

Before we take a break I'd like to ask assistance for a particular ruling. Are we giving The Rock a point for interfering in the match? Interference is naturally a heelish action, but this was a Street Fight under which interference is surely legal. Is The Rock within his rights to intervene on behalf of his friend? It was a sneak attack out of nowhere, but then again, Mick was handcuffed and on his knees at the time. I can't call this one guys. Help me out!

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:55

sunsweet
Nov 13, 2012

That's right, big man, two can play the sass game!


Are you rating these matches by modern standards, or by the standards of pro wrestling in 2000? What constitutes a 5/5 match, to you?

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


sunsweet posted:

Are you rating these matches by modern standards, or by the standards of pro wrestling in 2000? What constitutes a 5/5 match, to you?

I'm rating them on an entirely personal system. I've heard quite a few people rave about the Triple H/Cactus Jack street fight, for example, but only gave it 3/5 because it seemed to me a very well booked match executed in a slightly sluggish fashion. A lot of the big spots were indeed big, but it was far from a crisp or constantly captivating match. There were definite periods of downtime. I'll admit that I'm probably desensitized to spots such as those involving thumbtacks, having seen Foley (and others) use these time and time again since 2000. I've definitely seen better street fights than this, though.

A 5/5 match to me would have to be one with outstanding in-ring action and psychology, but also at least some sense of occasion. The Foley/HHH match would probably have also scored higher had I been more fully aware of their feud building up to it. All I had to go on, however, was a hype video and my own light knowledge of the period.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000


PART 3

Here we go, here we go, here we gooooo! I'm excited. Is there anything better in wrestling than a Royal Rumble match? I doubt it. Let's go!

5. 30 Man Royal Rumble Match
"YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE REAL DEAL NOW!" Entrant number one is the formidable D'Lo Brown, and he'll be facing off against Grandmaster Sexay of Too Cool (aka Jerry Lawler's son). Lawler does well to convey his disappointment at Grandmaster's early entry. The two brawl for a while and Sexay just loves to dance in between moves doesn't he. D'Lo goes for the running powerbomb but it's reversed into a hurricanrana. Grandmaster is occasionally cackling like a witch when he gets the upper hand. I don't like it. Number three is set to enter now and it's Headbanger Mosh, according to JR. That looks more like Thrasher to me; isn't Mosh the short one? Let's not forget that JR got the Hardys mixed up a hell of lot in their match. Hmm. Wikipedia informs me that it's Mosh, so I guess we'll go with that. I'm very dubious though. Either way, he's wearing a gigantic furry cone bra for some reason. Suddenly Kaientai decide to join in, despite not being official Rumble entrants. They are immediately dumped out and the referees usher them to the back. Lol, aren't foreigners stupid?

Entrant number four is Christian and there's some URGENT BREAKING NEWS. MOSH'S BRA HAS FALLEN OFF! How will he ever continue in this match? Not very well it turns out, as D'Lo beats him down in one corner while Christian deals with Grandmaster Sexay. If I didn't know anything about the future of four and had to guess who would go on to be a world champion, I'd honestly probably guess Mosh. He looks the most unique in there, and is a surprisingly big guy. They all slowly brawl around a little bit until entrant number five comes in, and it's Rikishi! He immediately shits all over my future world champion theory by tossing Mosh with ease.

Elimination #1: Headbanger Mosh (by Rikishi)

To make amends, he crushes the actual future world champion with a belly-to-belly and throws him out of the Rumble too.

Elimination #2: Christian (by Rikishi)

D'Lo finally puts a stop to the Samoan's roll and takes him down with a neckbreaker, before turning to Grandmaster and taunting him. Rikishi no-sells and slowly stands up behind him, before scooping him up and spiking him with the Rikishi Driver (I think that's what it's called, anyway). He's gone, leaving the two stablemates alone in the ring together.

Elimination #3: D'Lo Brown (by Rikishi)

Sexay tries to buddy up to his partner, but it doesn't look like Rikishi wants to be friends right now. Luckily it's time for a new entrant, and it just SO HAPPENS TO BE Scotty 2 Hotty, who probably gets the biggest pop of the match so far. He scampers down to the ring and tries to also convince Rikishi to join forces. They produce some yellow sunglasses and pop them on his massive head, and there's obviously a Too Cool fan in the production truck as the lights dim and their music plays. They dance around to the delight of the crowd, but Rikishi suddenly has enough and drops his partners with a double clothesline! The stagger to their feet and Rikishi takes both out of the Rumble with a single charge. Booooo!

Eliminations #4 and #5: Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty 2 Hotty (by Rikishi)

Rikishi now has five eliminations and is on a roll. The music comes back on and he dances solo for a while until it's time for entrant number seven....and I am marking the gently caress out, because it's only MY BOY Steve Blackman! GO STEVE! Blackman charges and takes Rikishi down with a few kicks n' stuff. The crowd start up a "Blackman sucks!" chant. What the gently caress!? Did he have X-Pac heat? I always loved him as a kid. Rikishi obviously doesn't, and is quick to nail him with another big Rikishi Driver. Aw he's gone to a big pop as well. This crowd doesn't know a true superstar when they see one.

Elimination #6: Steve Blackman (by Rikishi)

Oh man, the next entrant is Viscera. Prepare for a classic encounter. He looks to be wearing some kind of bin bag (or garbage bag if you're American, I think). He lifts the Samoan like he's nothing and slams him down, while JR comments that Viscera "came to play". Like the Miz. King claims that the winner of this duel is his pick to win the Rumble. Hmm, okay Jerry. Rikishi manages to take control with three snappy superkicks, followed by a straight up shove over the top rope. Well Big Vis didn't really last long.

Elimination #7: Viscera (by Rikishi)

Next up is the Big Boss Man, and Viscera urges him to go and get Rikishi as they pass on the entrance ramp. I love little extra interactions like that. It should happen more often. Boss Man refuses to enter the ring and just kills time on the apron until the next 90 seconds are up. The crowd are livid, but luckily Test is here to save the day, and absolutely unloads on Boss Man on the outside! He looks so angry that I have to check Wikipedia to see if they were engaged in a feud around this time. Apparently not, Test is just a ferocious mofo. Wikipedia does inform me that this isn't too long after Boss Man's infamous feud with Big Show, however. You know, the one where he gatecrashed Show's dad's funeral and drove around with the coffin attached to his car. You stay classy, WWF. Finally all three guys are together in the ring. LOW BLOW by Boss Man to Test. LOW BLOW by Rikishi to Boss Man. This is brilliantly entertaining. Test is getting some serous face pops, by the way. Up next is none other than Davey Boy Smith, The British Bulldog! I've just realised that three of the four men in the ring are now dead. Jesus . My Uncle claims that he accidentally walked into the Bulldog once outside of a supermarket and knocked him over. I'm not sure how true that is, though.

Rikishi manages to take my Uncle's hated enemy down and sets him up for the Banzai Drop, but Bulldog is up quickly and dishes out a low blow of his own! This is the Rumble of low blows. Nobody's genitals are safe. Next out is one of everybody's favourite Attitude Era midcarders, Gangrel! Inexplicably, instead of his usual goblet of blood, he has what looks like a plastic cup. Amazingly budget. Kaeintai are out again ("Pesky little fellas" says Lawler), and are immediately thrown out again. OH poo poo! Funaki's landing was fine, but Taka came down straight on his face. Fuckkk. There's blood left on the mats and everything. Ugh. Anyway, Edge is out now, and the ring's starting to fill up. Bulldog nearly drops Edge over the top rope, but the newcomer manages to hold on with a thumb to the eye. Gangrel also tries to shove Edge out of the Rumble. I guess this is after the days of The Brood.

On the other side of the ring Rikishi finally hits the Banzai Drop on an unfortunate Big Boss Man, while King requests for another replay of "that little Chinese guy being thrown out of the ring". The production team obliges. Bob Backlund is the first surprise entry of the rumble, and he looks like he's escaped from an asylum. This doesn't stop him from teaming up with everybody else to FINALLY eliminate Rikishi!

Elimination #8: Rikishi (by six entrants)

Chris Jericho is up next to a big, big pop, and immediately he takes out Backlund with a flying dropkick.

Elimination #9: Bob Backlund (by Chris Jericho)

Backlund exits through the crowd for some reason, while Jericho, Bossman, Edge and Test all take turns chopping one another. Crash Holly is next and doesn't do much of note. Next up is Chyna (Lawler is incredulous at the idea that she has entered the Rumble), and she goes straight for Chris Jericho. Y2J flips her onto the apron, but Chyna eliminates the Intercontinental Champion with a vertical suplex!

Elimination #10: Chris Jericho (by Chyna)

Boss Man ruins her moment with a wonderfully heelish nudge in the back, sending her flying off the apron and out of the Rumble as well!

Elimination #11: Chyna (by Big Boss Man)

Faarooq is next, still smarting from his tag team loss to the New Age Outlaws earlier in the evening. Suddenly the entire Rumble is jumped by the Mean Street Posse! They go straight after Faarooq and leave him down in the ring, allowing Boss Man to stroll over and eliminate him from proceedings.

Elimination #12: Faarooq (by Big Boss Man)

The next countdown seems to come around pretty quickly, and it heralds the arrival of Road Dogg. The crowd sing along with his theme tune even without him on the mic to lead them! Awesome! Sadly he doesn't really set the match on fire, just running straight into the sloppy midcard orgy and getting beaten down. Everybody's getting quite lethargic in there, especially the crowd who break into a chant of "We want Rocky". The next entrant is almost as good. It's Al Snow. Out of nowhere Road Dogg decides to eliminate the British Bulldog. That was so unexpected that the cameraman almost missed it. They were harmlessly brawling one second, and the next Davey Boy found himself on the outside. Maybe Road Dogg is some sort of secret Royal Rumble prodigy.

Elimination #13: The British Bulldog (by Road Dogg)

European Champion Val Venis is in next to the obligatory "His gimmick is full of sexual inneundo, let's cheer him" pop. So is Funaki, who immediately gets tossed again. Taka is very ominously absent after his huge face-bump. OH they replay it again. Obviously that was necessary. King calls him Chinese again. Jesus Christ, Jerry. Prince Albert makes his way to the ring just as Edge charges at Val Venis and is backdropped over the top rope! See you later.

Elimination #14: Edge (by Val Venis)

Albert goes to work brawling with everybody while King informs us that "he said his tongue piercing didn't hurt, but then he showed me another one that did". I like how JR just ignores most of Lawler's poo poo jokes and continues to call the action. King has mentioned May Young's breasts and Rikishi's backside around 20 times in this match so far. I just haven't been including the references in my own commentary. Hardcore Holly comes out to a quiet reaction. The action in the ring slows down again, and the crowd starts up an "rear end in a top hat" chant. I'm not sure who it's aimed at. Perhaps the booker of this match, or whoever decided upon the order of entrants. JUST as I say that, The Rock comes out to an overwhelming reaction. He immediately proceeds to layeth the Smackethdown on the Boss Man, and sends him tumbling over the top rope with a big right hand!

Elimination #15: Big Boss Man (by The Rock)

I think with half the eliminations done that's as good a place as any to take a break. I'll be back later with the latter half of the match. It started off okay, slowed the gently caress down towards the middle, but hopefully business is about to pick up now thanks to The Rock's arrival. See you in a little while.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:56

Lost Rivell
Jun 4, 2012


RR2000 is the only PPV I've ever been to -- my sister managed to get us seats in the nosebleeds. I remember a lot of weird things -- poo poo like the audience starting a "WE WANT BLOOD" chant during Triple H/Cactus, or being really confused as to why they played a replay of Taka falling out of the ring so many times. In hindsight, that Rumble was terrible. Also, funfact:

JGKing posted:

Entrant number four is Christian

At this point in the PPV, I swear you can hear my sister scream for about four seconds when he makes his way to the ring. She had a major thing for Christian and she went full-on apopleptic the second he came out, much to the pain and suffering of everyone else in our section.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Lost Rivell posted:

At this point in the PPV, I swear you can hear my sister scream for about four seconds when he makes his way to the ring. She had a major thing for Christian and she went full-on apopleptic the second he came out, much to the pain and suffering of everyone else in our section.
I rewound it back to have a listen and there are a few screams for Christian, one being especially loud and piercing . Test and Edge also got some pretty big screams when they came out. MSG just loves its long haired blondes, apparently.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000


PART 4

5. 30 Man Royal Rumble Match - CONTD.
Well I was expecting The Rock to go on a tear and clear the ring, but after he eliminated Boss Man he kind of got stuck in a corner and beaten down by the occasional midcarder walking past. Slightly disappointing. The next entrant might spice things up...and it's Billy Gunn. And he beats the Rock DOWN in the corner. Jesus, just right hand after right hand. Could you imagine any midcarder getting this sort of offense in on Cena, for example, in a modern day Rumble? Crash Holly takes over and looks to beat down the People's Champ further, but the Rock has had enough of this bullshit and drops him with a nice DDT! The elimination shortly follows.

Elimination #16: Crash Holly (by The Rock)

Finally it's time for entrant number twenty-six, and perhaps he'll clear the majority of the ring out because it's none other than Big Show! He makes very short work of Test and Gangrel, and they depart without too much of a fuss. That's disappointing. Test looked fired up when he came out and now he's going without a whimper.

Eliminations #17 and #18: Test and Gangrel (by Big Show)

Big Show starts chucking The Rock around the ring while Bradshaw makes his entrance. Just as they did with Faarooq, the Mean Street Posse crash the Rumble and beat down the Acolyte. He manages to fight all three off, however, and throw them all over the top. This distraction does allow both New Age Outlaws to sneak up from behind, though, and Bradshaw finds himself tossed out of the Rumble within seconds of entering. What an awful day at the office for him.

Elimination #19: Bradshaw (by Road Dogg and Billy Gunn)

Faarooq comes storming down the ramp and the two teams have a huge brawl on the ramp. I'm waiting for somebody to plancha over the top onto all of them, but this is the Rumble and only IDIOTS eliminate themselves. Where's Jeff Hardy when you need him? The next countdown ends with the lights going out and PYRO! It's Kane and boy does he look terrifying in his old attire. The look is kind of ruined by having Tori accompany him down the ramp, but that original mask was scary as gently caress. Val Venis proves that he has no idea what he's doing and decides to tee off on the Big Red Machine, but Kane immediately goozles him and chokeslams him out of the Rumble. You only have yourself to blame, Val.

Elimination #20: Val Venis (by Kane)

Kane ensures that nobody gives a gently caress about Prince Albert's elimination by clotheslining him out of the ring just as The Godfather makes his way down the ramp, hoes in tow. The Attitude Era wasn't very PC, was it?

Elimination #21: Prince Albert (by Kane)

Funaki's back in and Al Snow chucks him, again. King calls him Chinese, AGAIN. OH AND they show Taka's sick head bounce again. JR mentions that Taka is on his way to hospital, and Jerry says "do they have some good Chinese hospitals here in New York?". Yes Jerry, because hospitals are racially segregated. The thirtieth and FINAL entrant is none other than X-Pac, also known as "MAKE SOME NOIIIISE, X PAAAAAC" in his theme music. Our winner is now in the ring, whoever it may be (COUGH it won't be Al Snow COUGH). Just as I ridicule him, Al shows me up by clotheslining Hardcore Holly right out of the Rumble! Good job, Al!

Elimination #22: Hardcore Holly (by Al Snow)

Big Show eliminates the Godfather with a really ugly shove over the top rope, but it gets the job done.

Elimination #23: The Godfather (by Big Show)

The Rock stays true to his heritage and hits a big Samoan drop on Al Snow, before making short work of the poor guy. Eliminations coming thick and fast now.

Elimination #24: Al Snow (by The Rock)

Road Dogg, who has employed the classic strategy of "cling to the bottom rope and move very little" for most of this Rumble decides inexplicably to lean over the top rope and laugh at Al Snow for his elimination. Kane and Big Show are dangerously nearby, but it's actually Billy Gunn who ruthlessly ends his partner's chances of a title shot!

Elimination #25 Road Dogg (by Billy Gunn)

Billy has no time to celebrate, however, first being dropped by a massive Big Show headbutt, then sent up and over the top by a Kane uppercut. Bye rear end Man.

Elimination #26: Billy Gunn (by Kane)

We're down to the FINAL FOUR! THE ROCK! BIG SHOW! KANE! And X-PAC!? The New Age Outlaws drag Kane out under the bottom rope and proceed to beat him around the ringside area. Looks like Road Dogg forgot how he was eliminated REALLLY quickly there. Meanwhile Big Show takes a breather and watches The Rock and X-Pac fight between themselves. The Rock swats away a spinning heel kick and just HOISTS Waltman up and over the top rope. That was similar to Taka's nasty fall, but without the head bump at the end.

Wait a second, the refs were too busy breaking up the Outlaws and Kane as they brawled on the ramp, allowing X-Pac to pull an Austin and sneak back in. Come on guys, at least leave one of you to watch the action. Somebody should get fired. Big Show and Kane brawl sloooowly in the middle of the ring now, swatting away each other's goozle attempts and so on. Finally Big Show catches a kick and Kane...scores with the enziguri!? That's a collector's item. It staggers Show, allowing Kane to play Hogan to his Andre, scooping him up and slamming him to a pop from the crowd. Suddenly X-Pac blindsides Kane with a flying kick and takes him out of the Rumble! Booooo.

Elimination #27: Kane (by X-Pac)

One referee on the outside very obnoxiously orders Kane to the back, and I just want to see him uppercutted into the third row. Sadly it doesn't happen, while X-Pac hits a bronco buster on Big Show in the ring. This just angers Show, who hits him with a huge gorilla press to the outside.

Elimination #28: X-Pac (by Big Show)

So we're down to the final two. Heel vs face. Giant vs...pretty large dude in his own right, compared to your average man. The Rock hits him straight away with big rights, before struggling to nail a spinebuster in the center of the ring. He hits the People's Elbow (after all the theatrics, of course) and looks to eliminate Show...but finds himself goozled! Uh oh. Show hits a humongous chokeslam to the utter silence of the crowd. It's clear who they want to win. Show lifts Rock over his shoulder and feints throwing him out of each side of the ring, toying with the People's Champ. This isn't going to end well for you, Show. Aaaand it doesn't. As Show charges towards the ropes, The Rock is able to grab the top rope with his hands and allow his opponent's momentum to carry him over the top rope and out of the Rumble. The Rock wins!

Elimination #29: Big Show (by The Rock)

Winner: The Rock 2/5 - Not the best Rumble I've ever seen by a long stretch. This one gets points for simply being a Royal Rumble, and for containing so many figures of nostalgia for me. The action was largely very average. No eliminations really stand out in my mind apart from the final one, and Rikishi's double-cross on his partners towards the start. Nothing offensively bad, but nothing brilliant either.

The Rock celebrates to the joy of MSG and gets hold of a mic. He explains that since The Rock just won the Rumble right here in New York City, he can say that "FINALLY...The Rock IS GOING...to Wrestlemania." He's about to end on his signature catchphrase, but Big Show is back out! He charges to the ring and bowls Rocky over, grabbing him by the back of the head and throwing him over the top. The show ends with two talking trash to one another, Show standing in the ring, Rocky on the ramp. The Rock's very good at the whole trashtalk-miming. He looks like he loving means whatever the hell he's saying. Curious way to end the show though.

Show summary to follow.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:56

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


ROYAL RUMBLE 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
Triple H vs Cactus Jack - Without question the highlight of the evening. We all knew Foley would deliver in a street fight, but Triple H payed some serious dues as well. Not a workrate classic by any means, but a perfectly told story which really helped solidify the champ's position. Foley left looking like a deranged hero, even in defeat.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Cactus Jack - The best performer in the best match of the night. Great psychology, horribly sick bumps taken.
2. Triple H - That shouldn't take anything away from the champ. Played his part to perfection.
3. Jeff Hardy - The star of perhaps the big showpiece spots of the whole night.
4. The Rock - Didn't really have a whole lot to do, but did it well. Electrified the crowd, as expected.
5. Rikishi - The star of the opening portion of the Rumble. The action really slowed down once he was eliminated.

Angle and Tazz narrowly miss out, delivering a very good (but very short) opener. Jericho pretty much carried the triple threat by himself, while the other participants of the tables match did their jobs too.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Cactus Jack - 5
2. Triple H - 4
3. Jeff Hardy - 3
4. The Rock - 2
5. Rikishi - 1

ROYAL RUMBLE 2000 SCORE: 6/10
Failed to live up to my lofty expectations somewhat; Rumbles usually deliver in a big way. The WWF Title match was great, everything else was just sort of there. Nothing offensively bad though (except Mae Young's role in the bikini contest, as King reminded us way too many times throughout the show). The opener was good but short, the tables match was fun, and the Rumble match itself gets a pass on simply being a Rumble. It really is the best format for a match ever, and its annual appearance gives it an almost revered feel. Not the explosive start I'd hoped for, but I can live with that.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


No Way Out - February 27th 2000 - Hartford, Connecticut


PART 1

Next we're jetting off to Connecticut for what seems to be a very Triple H-dominated PPV on the surface. Just look at that poster! It's in his home state as well, which makes me eager to find out what sort of reaction he receives. He'll be main eventing this show in a rematch against Mick Foley, with two main differences.

1. If Foley loses, he must RETIRE! :o
2. This one won't be a street fight. It'll instead by everybody's favourite feud-ending stipulation: HELL IN A CELL!

The other main event of the card is a match between The Rock and Big Show over the number one contendership at Wrestlemania. I'm sure this will be more fully fleshed out by a video package later on, but all I can gather right now is that Big Show has somehow contested his Rumble loss to The Rock, and that Triple H (who wields backstage power even now due to the new "McMahon-Helmsley era" he forged with wife Stephanie) gave the giant a shot at stealing Rocky's spot. That all seems very dubious to me. Boo to you, Big Show. Boo, I say.

We start with some (frankly quite ominous) pyro, illuminating the cell which looms ominously over the ring. I'm sure you'll all agree that the hell in a cell stipulation was far more effective when it was only busted out for special occasions back in the Attitude Era. The unfortunate frequency with which it is used these days has watered it down a lot. A whole PPV dedicated to it guys? Come on. JR and King scream their welcomes and hype the main event of the evening. Lawler seems pretty gleeful at the possibility of Foley having to retire. You bastard Jerry!

For the second time in as many shows, Angle is the first wrestler down the ramp, and he's sporting a new piece of gold! It looks like he's the European Champion. Poor Val must have had a bad month since the Rumble. JR reminds us that the following match will not be for this title, but rather Jericho's Intercontinental belt. Kurt cuts a typical heel promo (he does it well, though) and awaits his opponent in the ring.

1. WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Chris Jericho (c) vs Kurt Angle
For some reason Chyna comes out before Jericho and gets a full entrance (music, pyro, the works). JR handily explains that although Chyna and Jericho were formerly rivals, they are now allies. That was a quick turnaround. They were screwing each other out of the Rumble last month. Jericho is out and cuts a promo of his own (can these guys just fight already!?), theorizing that Angle's three "I"s make him an "idiot", and "imbecile", and an "ignoramus". Hilariously, Jericho mispronounces the word as "ig-no-RAH-mus". Nobody has the heart to point it out to him. The match finally begins and the pair grapple, brawl, and bounce around for a little while. It's immediately the best technical wrestling I've seen in so far in this thread; the quality of these two shines through even at this early stage of their WWF careers. They get into an entertaining slapping contest, but the first real blow is landed by Angle as he hits a drop-toe hold and sends the champ face-first into the bottom rope. Ouch. Kurt charges but is back-dropped to the outside, before getting knocked back down again by Jericho's trademark dropkick from the turnbuckle as he tries to re-enter the ring.

They both end up brawling on the outside, and Jericho pulls off a very impressive spot as Angle whips him towards the steps. He scales them with a single leap and backflips off onto the approaching European champion. JR call it as an Asai moonsault, but it looks more like AJ Styles' pele kick (a move I instantly loved when covering his matches in my TNA thread. Dude can hit them out of nowhere). Back in the ring now, and Angle crotches Jericho on the top turnbuckle before FLINGING him off with a belly-to-belly superplex. That was crisp. A vertical suplex only gets two, and now Jericho comes back at Angle with a double-underhook backbreaker. Nastyyyyy (in a good way). Angle is now focusing on the left arm of Jericho, a body part which seems an odd target for Kurt, but we'll see where he goes with it. Jericho starts to hit his signature moves: spinning heel kick, bulldog, double powerbomb, but it's all only good enough for a two count. Out of nowhere, Angle snags Jericho's weakened arm from the ground and wrenches on it! Jericho rolls away, but Kurt holds on and transitions beautifully into an armbar! Chris is able to make the ropes but now the momentum is firmly with Angle.

Kurt is whipped into the corner but manages to duck a Jericho clothesline and hit the Olympic Slam! 1...2...Jericho uses PAY PER VIEW RESILIENCY to kick out of the finisher. On RAW or Smackdown he'd have been dead. Angle snaps and grabs the IC title from ringside. The ref snatches it away from him, leaving Kurt exposed enough to walk right into the WALLS OF JERICHO! Angle struggles...and makes the ropes! This is turning into a very nice contest. They brawl on the outside and (while the ref checks on Jericho), Angle swings for Chyna with the European belt. She ducks and Jericho rushes in to shove Angle in the back. Kurt falls into Chyna and she tumles into the ring steps. She'd have shrugged that off last month when she was in the title match, but now she's merely accompanying Jericho to the ring, that bump really really hurt her. Enough to keep the ref outside while he checks on her. Uh oh. Jericho floors Angle back in the ring and hits the Lionsault, but Angle brings the belt up out of nowhere and catches YJ2 as he lands! A quick pinfall is enough to get the three count and Angle wins. Double champion! Double champion!

Winner and NEW WWF Intercontinental Champion: Kurt Angle 2.5/5 - Very nice, pretty fluid. A good opening to the show featuring two guys of unquestionable talent, something which was clear even back then (although Jericho, of course, had already proven this back in WCW). Fairly short, but they managed to pack a lot in. Almost as good as it had any hope to be, given the time constraints, but there were one or two little moments of miscommunication. Nothing major, of course.

Michael Cole is backstage with the Dudleys who have an upcoming title shot against the New Age Outlaws. It's standard stuff, except why is Bubba speaking with an inexplicable Southern accent? Weird.

2. WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The New Age Outlaws (c) vs The Dudley Boyz
"OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW?" The Outlaws do their opening thing and they're insanely over, as ever. Here come the Dudleys looking loving terrifying. They charge the ring and it's a brawl immediately. Road Dogg goes for his jiving punches, but Bubba slips underneath the last one and hits a Bubba Bomb! The ref is distracted by Gunn on the apron, allowing the Dudleys to hit the Wassup diving headbutt! Getting all their signature spots in early, I see. Road Dogg plays tweener-in-peril while JR and King discuss the Dudleys' run of destruction over the past few weeks, mentioning that Terri, a previous Dudley victim, has invested in the Acolytes' new protection services. Is this the birth of the APA? I guess so. Road Dogg finally catches a break as the ref's back is turned, straight up punching Bubba in the dick and superplexing him off the top. Both crawl to their partners and make the tag, and Billy comes in like a house on fire. Right hand...right hand...clothesline...clothesline...back body drop...back body drop...etc. The Dudleys just keep getting up, at least until D-Von gets nailed with the FameAsser. 1...2...Bubba drags him out under the bottom rope. Road Dogg is in and hits the knees on D-Von, getting only a two count. I think the ref just isn't abiding by tag rules in this match for some reason.

On the outside, Bubba pulls a lead pipe from under the ring and waffles Billy with it! He very fluidly slides back in and just about gets there in time to complete the 3D on Road Dogg! Bubba get the gently caress out of there before the ref sees, and D-Von makes the pin. 1..2...3! New champions!

Winners and NEW WWF Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz 1.5/5 - Again, a very reasonable match considering the short amount of time it was packed into. Points deducted for a constantly distracted ref and the second screwy finish in two matches, but everything else was fine. The Outlaws come out of it looking pretty weak, but the Dudleys now seem monstrous.

Road Dogg berates Billy in the middle of the ring. DIFFERENCES ARE SURFACING BETWEEN THEM EVERYBODY!

We see a quick shot Kurt Angle celebrating wildly backstage with his two titles. Lovely.

Oh no. Next up is a hastily arranged singles match between Mark Henry and Viscera. Remember in the Rumble review when I guessed that this was all taking place AFTER Mae Young had given birth to the hand? It turns out we're slap-bang in the middle of that angle. Spoiler alert: SHE GIVES BIRTH TO A loving HAND. Anyway, we see footage of Viscera splashing Mae, "a pregnant, 77 year old woman" on RAW. Henry is understandably pissed and goes after Big Vis backstage on Heat. And here is where it'll be settled. Prepare for a classic.

3.Mark Henry vs Viscera
Henry charges Viscera before the bell. "Charges" is a generous term, but he certainly moves towards him at a slightly higher speed than normal. They brawl really messily before Vis hits a shoudler block, and then SOMEHOW a (very low) spinning heel kick. He managed to catch a couple of inches of air with that. JR literally says "Mark Henry is the world's strongest man. I guess he's got the world's strongest sperm too." Oh come on. How am I supposed to take this pregnancy angle seriously when even the two commentators are bouncing between super-serious "the baby is somehow hanging on" mode one minute, and joking about it the next. Henry gets taken out of the ring and whipped headfirst into the steps. That was the first good spot of the match, and it was a 400lb super heavyweight clattering into a set of steps. Vis must have heard how much I enjoyed it, because he does it again! Woohoo. Those steps are far from their original position as the crowd starts a "boooring" chant. Viscera hits a big samoan drop and an even bigger suplex, but don't worry Mark Henry fans! Mae Young is on her way to save him! She totters into the ring and tries to shield her man from the ongoing assault. Viscera shoves her down. He goes for a splash on her and the ref gets out of the way. You loving coward! Referees will put their bodies on the line to stop a wrestlers doing slightly too much harm to one another in a no DQ match, while deciding it's time to get out of dodge when a pregnant woman is about to be splattered. Luckily Mark is back on his feet and saves the day with a shoulder block, followed by a big powerslam. That's the three count? That's it. Okay.

Winner: Mark Henry DUD/5 - loving atrocious. Atrocious angle. Atrocious wrestling. Atrocious everything.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:56

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004



That Big Show thing was a legitimate grievance. Video of the Rumble showed that Rock actually did touch the ground first. This was one of many bizarre feuds where the face was clearly wrong and instead of even trying to lie or justify his position, he just made fun of how fat and stupid his opponent was. Attitude Era.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


No Way Out - February 27th 2000


PART 2

We get an interview with Jericho who's angry about losing to Kurt, and we get a short segment with Billy Gunn whose shoulder is in severe pain after losing to the Dudley Boyz. Quite a depressing minute or so there.

4. Number One Contender's Match: The Hardy Boyz vs Edge and Christian
Terri is out with the Hardys and we are reminded that earlier she paid the Acolytes to protect her from the Dudleys. SUCH A BUSY TAG TEAM DIVISION . My BOYS Edge and Christian come out through the crowd, like a far better groomed SHIELD, and the Acolytes get their own entrance and seem content chilling at the bottom of the ramp to look out for those drat Dudleys. That's very professional of them; most teams would probably settle for a slightly late run-in, but Faarooq and Bradshaw don't gently caress around. Edge jumps Jeff before the bell and the heels assume initial control, but Jeff is quick to counter with an outrageously fast front flip coming off an attempted back body drop. He and Matt manage to take Christian down with tandem legdrops (Jeff from the top rope, Matt right onto his tender man area). The pair decide to lose their shirts, drawing suspiciously pre-pubescent screams from the crowd, while Terri shouts encouragement. She's a really poor manager, I feel. She demanded hugs from the Hardys before the match and her whole presence kind of robs them of any potential edge. Matt and Christian exchange skinny white boy chops (it looks like two of the Jackass crew fighting) before Jeff jumps the top rope to get involved...only for Christian to immediately dropkick him back out. Hahahaha.

Matt and Jeff regain control and hit the poetry in motion. JR manages to continue where he left off at the Rumble and confuses the names of the two Hardys. "Here's what you need to remember," says Lawler, "Jeff's the one with blue hair." I'd be fully on Jerry's side but he's spent most of the match drooling over Terri's "puppies" and it's really starting to piss me off. Edge eventually gets Christian out of trouble with a hot tag and proceeds to clear house. He spin-kicks Matt to the outside and Christian very smartly hops over the turnbuckle to land on the Hardy. That was slick! Since when could Christian fly like that, and why did he never do it often!? Now it's Jeff's turn to be in PERIL as he gets whipped into the heels' corner and stomped down. Matt shouts encouragement from across the ring, but it doesn't help his brother avoid a drop toehold (executed by Christian on his own partner) sending the head of Edge right into Jeff's crotch. Jeff fights back but Edge puts him down with a series of increasingly powerful moves, culminating in a PILEDRIVER!? WHAT THE gently caress!? Jeff crumples as JR and King sell the move like it's standard affair; what the hell just happened!? Jeff kicks out at two!? BOOOOOOOO! That should have snapped his puny neck and he kicks out at two. This is bizarre. Even the crowd didn't really pop like I imagine they would these days. Were piledrivers regular back then?

We get occasional shots of the Acolytes watching without emotion from the ramp, but the camera cuts back just in time to see Edge DESTROY Jeff further with a huge (very slightly botched) powerbomb! Did Jeff piss him off this morning or something? It was hit a little sloppily but I kind of bought it as a slightly desperate counter to the onrushing Hardy's assault. Christian comes in to put the boots to Jeff while Edge is down on the other side of the ring, but Matt decides to involve himself even as the illegal man by hitting a beautiful diving elbow onto his foe. Jeff's subsequent cover only gets a very close two, but he deals Edge further blow shortly after, scything him out of the air with a dropkick to the midriff as his opponent leaps from the top rope. Everything starts to break down as all four end up in the ring. The Hardys try to do the doomsday device, but Edge wriggles free leaving Chrstian to eat a Jeff crossbody. The Hardys hit their tandem legdrop/splash from opposite corners on a grounded Christian, and Edge gets whipped into a corner for the poetry in motion. INSTEAD, THOUGH, HE SPEARS JEFF STRAIGHT OUT OF MID-AIR FROM THE TURNBUCKLE! That was explosive. I'm tempted to give the match an automatic +0.5 bonus rating for this one. Somehow the Hardys again regain control, though, and Jeff goes up for the Swanton...only for Terri to push him off to the outside!? HEEL TURN, BITCHES! Matt gets in her face and she gives him a hard slap, spinning him around into an Unprettier from Christian (one of my favourite finishers.I love that move). That's enough for the three.

Winners: Edge and Christian 3.5/5 - Not quite as crisp as Angle vs Jericho in terms of sheer quality, but around the same level with regard to entertainment, maybe even slightly better. A little stop-start and sometimes unpolished, but the good stuff was very good. I'm glad about Terri's betrayal as well. She just didn't fit in with the Hardys. I am, of course, speaking with the benefit of post-Lita hindsight.

Terri tries to celebrate with E&C, but the pair look confused. They leave the ring and Terri stays to gloat just a little too long. Matt recovers and grabs her by the hair, but suddenly the Acolytes are on him (as per their monetary agreement)! They beat down the Hardys and Faarooq hits Jeff with a horribly stiff, sloppy powerbomb. That was so clumsy. Anyway, E&C are number one contenders, Terri's a bitch, the Hardys are angry, and the Acolytes did their job.

Big Show is backstage and rolls footage of the Rumble. Well holy poo poo, as Supreme Allah mentioned above (very kindly remembering to use spoilers), Show is absolutely telling the truth. The Rock's feet definitely hit first and Show should technically be the winner of the match. Well, I want him to win now. The rest of the crowd don't seem to agree with me. Neither does JR who is skeptical about the Big Show. WHAT THE gently caress!? HE LITERALLY JUST PROVIDED CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT HE WON THE MATCH! I remember when I was younger being incredibly irritated by King's blatant favouritism towards any heel, but now JR's bias in favour of babyfaces is perhaps even more grating.

5. Big Boss Man vs Tazz
Boss Man comes down to the ring with Prince Albert in tow (currently acting as BBM's protege, apparently). We see that earlier tonight the pair jumped Tazz backstage and stomped him down. No reason is given except that they're HEELS. Boss Man charges at Tazz as he makes his way down to the ring, but the shorter man gains control as they brawl down the ramp. They get to the ring and the match is officially started. They continue to brawl. And brawl. And brawl. Neither man seems too keen on selling. Finally Tazz busts out a wrestling move and hoists the Boss Man for a back suplex. Boss Man staggers to his feet and misses with a wild right hand, allowing Tazz to duck behind and apply the Tazzmission! Albert is in to but a stop to that poo poo, and the referee calls for the bell. Pay Per View wrestling, ladies and gentlemen.

Winner: Tazz DUD/5 - Very short and seemingly pointless. Let's see what happens...

A very messy beatdown occurs to the following pattern: 1. Boss Man and Albert beat Tazz down. 2. Tazz continues to HEROICALLY FIGHT. 3. Boss Man and Albert beat him down further. 4. Tazz CONTINUES TO FIGHT; HE JUST WON'T GIVE UP! (It's very tedious after a while. I wish Tazz knew what selling was). Oh my god it KEEPS GOING ON! Boss Man breaks his nightstick over Tazz's head and it only downs him for a few seconds. It drags on for so long that I'm expecting a run out, but nothing happens. Eventually Sgt Slaughter brings out a team of officials and they finally break it up. That was messy.

Angle is still celebrating backstage.

Now we get a hype video for what looks to have been a ludicrous and amazing feud between Kane and X-Pac. The pair used to be bros for a little while, even winning tag team gold, but Pac betrayed Kane and stole Tori, his girlfriend. We see scenes of Kane looking sad and rejected, eventually walking away from the WWF. He returns the following show, however, Paul Bearer in tow. The Big Red Machine storms the ring and teases chokeslamming Tori, but he can't. He lets her go...and TOMBSTONES HER INSTEAD! Ooooh. We then see him win a tag match against Triple H and Big Show for the right to face X-Pac in a no DQ match (with a little help from The Rock), the match I assume is next. The final word goes to X-Pac whoever, who genuinely shoots a firework into Kane's face to protect Tori on the last Smackdown before the PPV. That's some heavy poo poo right there.

A quick side note: I've been getting the impression that for all his loudmouth antics and bullying trash talk, The Rock is actually far less of a badass than he makes out. He helped out Foley in his street fight at the Rumble, and now he's helped Kane get his match against X-Pac. He's like a rent-a-sidekick for the other babyfaces. N'awwwww.

6. No Holds Barred Match: X-Pac vs Kane
X-Pac is out with Tori while Kane brings Bearer along. Kane ignites his pyro from the ramp rather than the middle of the ring, distracting Pac long enough for him to charge in and gain an advantage. A few meaty uppercuts followed by a BIG tilt-a-whirl backbreaker to start things off. Kane clotheslines X-Pac to the outside and the DX man realises what the gently caress he's doing in a no DQ match with Kane. He calls Tori and the pair begin to leave, but Kane stalks them up the ramp and beats Pac around the stage area. This is akin to a typical horror movie; Pac and Tori are playing the role of scared teens to perfection. Waltman finds a garbage can and blasts Kane with it, only for the Big Red Machine to take it off him and return the favour with interest. He beats Pac through the crowd until the reach ringside again, but a miss with the ring steps allows Pac to grab the bell and drill Kane right in the mask. X-Pac grabs a steel chair but BEARER SNATCHES IT OFF HIM! Bearer tackles Pac down and lays into him with right hands! Yeahhhh! Tori drags him off and gives him a stinging slap across the face, but Bearer no-sells and chases her around the ring like a hideous lurching goblin. The crowd are eating it up.

The two actual wrestlers are back in the ring now and Kane heads up top, only for X-Pac to leap hiiiigh for an enziguri. Kane collapses in the corner allowing Pac to hit the Bronco Buster and wheel away triumphantly. KANE SITS UP! He sends X Pac to the outside and beats him around for a while, but Pac heads back inside and regains control with a spinning heel kick. JR and King are meanwhile discussing whether Kane was realistic for expecting Tori to fall for him. Lawler comes out with this gem: "Kane's face is horrifying so who knows what his thingy looks like?". Jesus. Kane catches X-Pac's crossbody attempt and goes for the tombstone, but Pac wriggles out the back and hits the X Factor! He wastes a little time punching Bearer off the apron, and KANE SITS UP AGAIN! Big boot! Kane looks to go in for the kill but Tori is on the apron to distract him. "Tombstone her!" urges JR, suddenly a maniacal psychopath. X-Pac tries to blindside Kane but eats a big chokeslam. Tori's in the ring now and leaps onto Kane's back with a flurry of punches, but he simply drags her further over his shoulder and hits the Tombstone! JR's glee is disturbing. The ref gingerly rolls Tori out of the ring as Kane fetches the ring steps to inflict further punishment on X-Pac, but Pac is up and dropkicks them into Kane's face! Kane collapses with the steps pinning him down, and Pac scrambles on top for the three count.

Winner: X-Pac 2/5 - This was heading to 2.5 or 3 star territory, but sadly the finish was weak. I felt the match built up excellently and seemed to be heading towards a huge finishing sequence, but the pinfall itself was a little out of nowhere. Still generally good from all four people involved. Kane was on particularly good form here, and Pac bumped around like crazy for him.

In a nicely heelish touch, X-Pac forgets Tori and hobbles up the ring on his own while she cradles her neck on the outside. She has to stagger after him (although really I think a tombstone shouldn't be shrugged off so easily). Kane and Bearer pace the ring in frustration.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:57

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

I will never get tired of punching you in the face.

JGKing posted:

*A convoluted match ending had resulted in reigning champion Chris Jericho and challenger Chyna being recognised as co-champions. However, Wikipedia informs me that the WWE officially regards this joint-reign as a vacancy.

If this is true then it's a retcon. Both were clearly recognized as co-champions at the time on TV.

Weirdly though, WWE.com's own IC title history just mentions Jericho twice in a row and doesn't mention a vacancy.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


No Way Out - February 27th 2000


PART 3

Cole is backstage interviewing The Radicalz prior to their WWF PPV debut. They consist of WCW cast-offs Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero and Perry Saturn. One of these four is not like the other...

(A quick, but necessary note on Benoit here. I utterly deplore the tragic murders he committed, but I intend to treat him as I would any other wrestler in these reviews. For the sake of the thread's balance there will be no bias, positive or negative, towards Benoit in relation to match quality or performance in general. If he does something good I'll say it's good. If it sucks, I'll say it sucks.)

Cole asks if they are nervous. Malenko explains that only their opponents (Too Cool and Rikishi) should be nervous. Benoit is insulted that Cole would even accuse the Radicalz of nerves. Saturn hates Too Cool because the only dancing he appreciates "is on tables for dollar bills". He says this with an incredible, humourless fury. Guerrero is in a sling having dislocated his elbow but will be at ringside for "moral support". He says this while taking out a metal pipe of sorts and brandishing it for the camera to see. Somebody should really notify the match official of that...

7. Too Cool and Rikishi vs The Radicalz
The babyfaces dance down to the ring and it looks like all is forgiven following their big Rumble fall out. The Radicalz make their entrance to incredibly generic guitar music. "Deport Eddie" reads a sign in the crowd. How tasteful. The heels jump the faces at the bell and we've got a pier six brawl all around ringside. Eddie sneaks into the ring to use the pipe on an unsuspecting Rikishi, but the Samoan turns just in time and catches the attempted shot. He snatches away the pipe and drives it into Eddie's elbow, sending the Latino scuttling off up the ramp. That was quickly dealt with. Saturn and Sexay find themselves the legal men when order is restored and Grandmaster wins their exchange, hitting a missile dropkick and nice enziguri before busting a move in the middle of the ring. Scotty and Benoit face off now, with the Tool Cool member winning the battle with a verticle suplex after a few whips n' ducked clothesines n' stuff. Scotty throws in an HBK kip-up for the hell of it before moonwalking over to tag in Rikishi. The big man gets a pop for merely entering the ring (he is OVER).

He cleans house on all three Radicalz before whipping Benoit into the corner and hitting a big clothesline. Benoit slumps down in the corner and Rikishi of course gives him the Stink Face. If there was one move to encapsulate everything about the Attitude Era, it may well be that. Gratuitous, pretty disgusting, but also morbidly entertaining. Rikishi sets Benoit up for the Rikishi Driver, but Malenko dashes in and puts a stop to that with a very nice dropkick to the legs. Saturn and Rikishi face off now and Saturn works over the bandaged left leg of the Samoan. Rikishi sells it very nicely, slowly finding an escape route and limping over to make a tag to Scotty. Mr Hotty is in and immediately gives Saturn his trademark bulldog. The crowd pops huge. They know what's next! "W!..." oh. Scotty doesn't even reach "O!" before Malenko kills the party with a hard clothesline. Haaah, that was magnificent. Benoit is in now to dominate Scotty with a few snap suplexes and the like, before hitting a nice drop toe hold/low dropkick combo with Malenko. Lovely butterfly suplex from Malenko, and Scotty's in trouble. Saturn is tagged in and gets surprising air with a flying knee! The Radicalz isolate Hotty in their corner and wear him down with quick tags and sharp double team moves. Sexay keeps getting the crowd involved but Scotty is unable to harness their power. Their fickle, potent power.

Eventually Scotty and Benoit clonk heads and are both down. They crawl towards opposite corners...and Rikishi gets the hot tag! He clears house on all three Radicalz, before Saturn gets DROPPED with the Rikishi Driver. Scotty is invited into the ring to do the Worm (which he does), before the Radicalz recover and a brawl erupts on the outside. Sexay remains in the ring and hits the Hip Hop Drop (guillotine legdrop) on Saturn, but the ref is too busy checking on the fight outside to count the subsequent cover. BENOIT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH THE DIVING HEADBUTT! All three men stagger slowly to their feet and are joined by Scotty. He clotheslines Saturn to the floor while Benoit does the same to Grandmaster, leaving Malenko and Rikishi alone in the ring. Malenko tries to drag Rikishi's prone body but sells throwing his back out due to the weight. Hahahaha! The Samoan regains control and sends Malenko into the corner. He hobbles to his feet and catches him on the rebound with the Rikishi Driver, before dragging him to the corner and nailing the Banzai Drop (with some difficulty due to his consistently sold leg injury. Well done.) That's more than enough for the three count.

Winners: Too Cool and Rikishi 2.5/5 - A very nice match, although slow in parts. I had the Radicalz nailed on for a victory here, so seeing a feel-good babyface win was a surprise. No complaints though. Malenko in particular was excellent throughout, as was Rikishi.

The winning trio dance around in the ring to their music.

Meanwhile, Angle is STILL celebrating backstage. Gotta love that man.

Hype video now for the feud between Big Show and The Rock. We see Big Show provide Triple H with conclusive evidence that Rocky's feet hit first. They do, so Trips grants Show a number one contender match. Bullshit. If I was show I'd automatically want that shot at Wrestlemania, as rightful Rumble winner. Show seems happy though, and costs The Rock a match against Benoit on RAW. On a following show he then employs the help of the New Age Outlaws to incapacitate Rocky and stuff him into DX's tour bus in the parking lot. Show waves the bus goodbye as it pulls away...and Rock has pulled some Harry Houdini poo poo and is standing behind him, 2x4 in hand! Big Show gets clocked from behind and falls to the ground. Show gets the last laugh though, throwing the Rock clean through a closed window on the final RAW before the PPV.

8. Number One Contender Match: Big Show vs The Rock
An electric opening here as they get in each other's face before the bell. Rocky slaps Big Show and hits a few right hands. Whip to the corner, clothesline, but the Russian legsweep attempt is blocked. Big Show hits a headbutt and whips Rock into the ropes, but the People's Champ hits a picture perfect floatover DDT. Smooth opening. Very good. Rock goes for an early Rock Bottom but Big Show practically shrugs and it's enough to send his foe out of the ring. GET HIM BIG SHOW! I am firmly on Show's side here. Justice for the real Rumble winner! They fight on the outside and Rock whips Show into the ring steps. The steps have taken a lot of punishment in this PPV, it has to be said. Henry and Kane have both had a lot to do with them, and now Show! Rock is tossed over the crowd barrier and Show follows him in. They brawl in the crowd until Show levels Rocky with a huge clothesline. They find themselves back at the barrier and Show charges at the Rock...and gets BACKDROPPED OVER THE TOP! That was a gargantuan backdrop from the Rock. Show went airborne. Rock grabs a water bottle from the announce table and takes a swig, spitting it in the pursuing Big Show's face. Show gets revenge with a hard whip into the ringpost and a HUGE chest chop. Ouch.

They FINALLY get back in the ring (I figure Hebner has decided to gently caress counting anybody out. He's in a lazy mood today). Russian legsweep gets 2 for the Rock. So does a hard DDT. Now Show gets a near fall of his own with a delayed sidewalk slam. It's like they're both trying to fill their momentum meter to get a stored finisher. I wouldn't be surprised if Show backed into a vacant corner and just did his signature taunt a load of times. Show leaves the ring and grabs a chair, bringing it back in to the chagrin of Hebner. I NEVER understand this heel logic, especially in a match with something on the line. Show swings at Rock and the Brahma Bull ducks, SURELY SAVING BIG SHOW'S CHANCES OF HEADLINING WRESTLEMANIA! I mean what the gently caress!? It's so infuriating. This was very good match up until now and that little piece of nonsense psychology has jarred me somewhat. Earl gets bumped out of the ring by a misplaced Irish whip, leaving Show to finish Rock with a big boot and even bigger chokeslam. Of course there's nobody to count the fall. The Rock's out of it too. That would have been a victory for Show. A replacement ref runs down to count the fall, and EARL DRAGS HIM OUT OF THE RING AT 2! Oh gently caress off! The fates are conspiring to keep show out of the 'Mania title match, and that one doesn't even make sense beyond "Hebner's a bastard".

Shane McMahon gets a MONSTER pop for some reason (seriously, I can't work out why) as he comes down to loving sort this poo poo out, and I can't blame him. He berates the two refs to no avail as they begin brawling at ringside. Jesus. Amid the mayhem, Rock blasts Show with the chair and a Rock Bottom! He goes for the People's Elbow, but Shane dives into the ring, snatches up the chair, and UTTERLY DEMOLISHES THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP! That was a sick chairshot. He jumped into it and the Rock crumpled perfectly. Shane drapes Show over the Rock, grabs one of the refs and orders him into the ring, and the fall is counted. Shane comes out looking like a complete badass. I'm not sure what the actual wrestlers look like.

Winner: Big Show 2/5 - A horribly booked finish saved by some great wrestling early one. The pair worked a very good match up until Show grabbed that chair. From then on it was all downhill (especially the bullshit with the refs), and I was going to give it a far worse rating were it not for some tidy sequences late in the match (and Shane's loving awesome chairshot). In the end an acceptable, but far from brilliant match. The right man won though. #RumbleJustice.

Shane and Show share a big awesome man-hug before getting the gently caress out of there. I'm happy with that result. I was certain beforehand that this was a way to sweep the "Rock's feet hit the floor first" issue under the rug with a decisive win, but this changes everything. Even if they still manage to screw Show out of his title shot before 'Mania (which, let's face it, they probably will) he'll still retain some credibility with a big PPV win.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:58

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


No Way Out - February 27th 2000


PART 4

It turns out that the big pop for Shane O'Mac was because this was his return. He quickly aligned himself with the Big Show though, turning himself heel in pretty decisive fashion.

It's main event video package time! Since that Street Fight at the Rumble it looks as though Triple H's hatred for Foley has spiraled out of control. He agrees to put his title on the line if Mick puts up his career, saying "My dream is to be in the WWF without you". He even lets Foley pick the stipulation. Of course he chooses Hell in a Cell. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Foley promises that he'll leap off the top of the cell again, but this time it won't be through an announce table. It'll be through Triple H's body.

Angle is walking back to his car humming "We Are The Champions". Suddenly he's jumped by Jericho and Chyna! The pair beat him down and stuff him into the back of his own car. That was a little bit uncalled for guys...

9. WWF Championship vs Career Hell In A Cell Match: Triple H (c) vs Cactus Jack
"ONE TWO! IS THIS ON!?" Triple H brings Stephanie out for his Hell in a Cell match against noted psychopath Mick Foley. Husband of the year material. The cell descends and Foley immediately tries to get out of the door, as if wanting to immediately ascend the structure. It's locked however, and he instead decides to beat the poo poo out of the champ for a while in the ring. Mick gains control with headbutts, big right hands and the like, before checking the door again. It's still locked. Good job Mick. Steph talks trash to him from the outside but it doesn't faze the challenger, who slams Triple H's head into the wall and rakes it along the mesh. Stephanie, JR, and King have all said "No Way Out" a lot in reference to the locked cell door. It's like towards the end of a book or movie when the title is explicitly referenced for the first time. Jack goes under the ring and brings out a steel chair. I was hoping he'd take out some food or a beer he'd stashed there earlier in the day, but it's just a standard chair. He tries to get in the ring but Triple H knees him off the apron and sends him clattering back-first into the cell wall. He follows him out and dishes out even MORE punishment to the poor ring steps, whipping Foley's body right into them. He picks up the steps now and I think he's going to charge Foley with them...NOPE! He just throws them straight into his face. Mannnn that was nasty.

Foley recovers and staggers into the ring, but gets brained by the steel chair. I wonder how many chairshots Mick has taken in his whole career. That would be a scary figure. Cactus fights back with a chair-assisted low blow, followed by the Double Arm DDT onto the chair! Now he hits a Russian Legsweep onto the chair also, but it only gets a near fall. Foley now beats Triple H down in the corner where a chair has been handily placed, allowing Hunter a lovely seat while he gets tagged with repeated rights to the head. Foley backs up and charges, but Triple H falls out of the corner and hits a drop toe hold, sending Mick's cranium into the steel. The champ thinks about using the ring steps again and JR urges him to "have some compassion". This is the man who openly cheered on Kane for dropping a woman on her head. Triple H sets up Foley for the Pedigree on the ring steps, but Mick is able to reverse it and slingshot the champ high into the cell wall. The champ is busted open! AGHHH! Foley climbs the turnbuckles and hits a chair-assisted elbow drop to the outside! Mannnn that was into a narrow landing area. Foley tries to give Triple H a taste of his own medicine, hurling the ring steps at him. The champ is able to duck, however, and the steps break away a section of the wall. The crowd are jubilant.

Foley uses his own body as a battering ram to widen the gap slightly (it doesn't. Mick, the cell is already broken away at the bottom, just stoop like a normal person would!). He employs a slightly better second strategy, hurling the Game through the makeshift doorway to the outside. Triple H's crimson mask has reached advanced levels now; quite a lot of it is dripping down onto his chest and Mick's arm. Foley throws the champ onto the announce table and piledrives him through! Well, not through. It doesn't move an inch. Ouch. He re-positions the Game on the table and begins to climb the cell wall but Stephanie grabs his leg and holds him down! Foley is livid and approaches her menacingly, but Trips is back up to save the day...and get dropped with a right hand. Foley drags the timekeeper out of his seat and rummages around the tech equipment...finding a barbed-wire wrapped 2x4 out of nowhere! He cracks Triple H in the face, which convinces the champ that he wants no part of this. He tries to escape...by climbing the cell. Oh you idiot. Cerebral Assassin, really?

Cactus pursues him (of course), and has even attached a nifty little loop around the end of his 2x4 so he can hang it on his arm and climb at the same time. Ingenious. Triple H snatches it off him though, and rakes Foley's head as he clings to the top of the cell. Foley doesn't let go, so the Game resorts to simply kicking his hands. Mick fallllls and crashes back-first through the Spanish announce table! Luckily it was a much more controlled fall than his infamous plunge against the Undertaker, but that still must have hurt like hell. Triple H stands triumphantly atop the cell, arms aloft, drawing an "rear end in a top hat" chant from his hometown crowd. That's rough. Foley has shakily made it back to his feet and tries to throw a chair onto the roof. He fails both times. Come on Mick. He gives up on it after a few more goes, realising that he's probably telegraphed whatever spot they were planning too much. He heads up weaponless and pays for it, Triple H welcoming him to the top with three big shots with the 2x4. Foley regains control with a low blow and shoves the Game towards the edge! The champ falls and one of his legs breaks through the roof, but he avoids falling off entirely. Man, that was scary. They're standing on what looks like an incredibly unstable panel of the roof, but Mick doesn't give a poo poo and hits a vertical suplex on the Game. This could end badly. I'd be freaking out if I were either of these men right now, and I'm not usually scared of heights.

Foley hits a sloppy Double Arm DDT atop the cell and the pair look very tired and bloody now. This definitely has an epic feel, even if the match quality is lacking. HOLY poo poo! Foley fishes a lighter out of his pocket and sets the 2x4 alight! He drills Triple H in the face with the burning end, although the champ clearly (and thankfully) get an arm in the way, while Mick pulls the blow slightly. It takes away from the spot but I don't blame them at all. Somebody was asking for skin grafts otherwise. Mick lays the still-burning weapon down on the roof and motions that he wants to DDT Triple H right into the fire. He sets him up...and the champ backdrops him THROUGH the adjacent roof panel! Mick falls and makes a hole in the canvas as he lands! I imagine the ring was rigged for that, but it still looks very effective, Foley's body lying broken in a crater in the ring. Triple H sells his shock brilliantly (while Stephanie grins evilly from the outside. She's a McMahon after all). He clambers tentatively back down into the ring and slowly approaches Mick's body. He cautiously kicks an arm and FOLEY STIRS! The Game sells his bewilderment and frustration brilliantly, backing away in horror before collecting himself and downing the challenger with a right hand. He's had quite enough of all this nonsense and ends the match with a ruthless Pedigree. That's enough.

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: Triple H 4.5/5 - Similarly to their contest at the Rumble, this wasn't great as a wrestling match, but two things made it brilliant anyway. The psychology of both men and some ludicrously big spots. The fall through the table, the flaming 2x4 and the climactic plunge through the cage roof all made this a legendary bout, especially when coupled with the emotion and hatred displayed by both men. Triple H was particularly fantastic in this regard, and his fearful kicking of Foley's prone body for signs of life was brilliant. A special main event.

We get an emotional close to the show as, following Triple H's exhausted but triumphant exit, Foley slowly returns to his feet and hobbles away into retirement (not REAL retirement of course, just your standard "wrestling" retirement but nobody knew that at the time). He pauses atop the ramp and gives one final raised fist before turning and walking away.

Summary to follow.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:58

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


NO WAY OUT 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
Triple H vs Cactus Jack - For the second time in a row these two deliver the match of the night. The best technical match was clearly the Hardys vs E&C, but this had an epic feel. Sadly, I have a feeling that Foley's "retirement" won't last very long. Maybe like, zero PPVs or whatever. But that shouldn't take away from a fantastic story told by these two, making for one of the best matches in the Hell in a Cell canon.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Triple H - Edges Foley to number one for his consistently great psychology.
2. Cactus Jack - Turned in a slightly sloppier performance than at the Rumble if I'm being brutally honest, but those bumps he took make up for it.
3. Kurt Angle - The major reason the hot opener was so hot. Great all-round performance, from occasional high-risk stuff to mat wrestling.
4. Christian - The best performer in the best straight wrestling contest on the show. Crisp, consistent, and entertaining throughout.
5. Kane - Turned in a great performance against X-Pac. Let down by a weak finish but sold it well.

This was an incredibly hard top five to decide upon, as a load of superstars seemed to bring their a-game to the PPV. Rocky looked good against Show, Malenko impressed in the six man tag, and Jericho held his own in the curtain-jerker. The wrestler who would have easily sauntered onto the top five on an average night, however, was Edge. He had some great moments in the tag match, but his occasional sloppiness elsewhere in the match let him down.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Cactus Jack - 9
Triple H - 9

2. Jeff Hardy - 3
Kurt Angle - 3

3. The Rock - 2
Christian - 2

4. Rikishi - 1
Kane - 1

NO WAY OUT 2000 SCORE: 7/10
Just as I came into the Rumble with very high expectations and was quite disappointed, I didn't really have high hopes for this show and was quite impressed. Although Mark Henry vs Viscera and Boss Man vs Tazz stunk up the place, the other seven matches were either good or above. E&C vs the Hardys was great, as was Angle vs Jericho. Kane vs X-Pac and Rock vs Big Show looked to be going very well but were let down by slightly weak finishes, while the six man tag and the tag title match were perfectly acceptable. A show packed full of wrestling (and pretty good wrestling, at that), and the main event delivered in spades to top everything off.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Jan 13, 2014 around 13:55

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

I will never get tired of punching you in the face.

JGKing posted:

Stephanie, JR, and King have all said "No Way Out" a lot in reference to the locked cell door. It's like towards the end of a book or movie when the title is explicitly referenced for the first time.

I remember this triggering a fairly widespread meme within the IWC where people would constantly say "At No Way Out there will be no way out". It spread to others as well, like "At Backlash there will be backlash" and "At No Mercy there will be no mercy".

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


sticklefifer posted:

I remember this triggering a fairly widespread meme within the IWC where people would constantly say "At No Way Out there will be no way out". It spread to others as well, like "At Backlash there will be backlash" and "At No Mercy there will be no mercy".

I was quite disappointed that there was a way out in the end. I was expecting Triple H and Foley to be stuck in the Hartford Civic Center forever.

Manwithastick
Jul 26, 2010



Loving this thread, can't wait for Mania and the McMahon 4 way!

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000 - Anaheim, California


PART 1

Oh man, it's grandaddy time! WrestleMania 2000 (the only WrestleMania, I think, to break from the roman numeral system) and I have high hopes. Or at least I did, until I remembered what the main event was. Yes it's the infamous "a McMahon in every corner" fatal four way match for the WWF Title. Trips is the champ so I see why he's in it. Rocky won the Rumble so I see why he's in it. Big Show LEGITIMATELY won the Rumble so I see why he's in it. WHY is Foley in there? He retired forever last PPV. I know wrestling retirements never last long, but this is short even by usual WWF standard. And WHY are all the McMahon's in there? The booking of both shows I've watched so far have been okay, by and large, but this seems to be the first true chink in the company's booking armour.

Anyway, onto the opener. Accompanied by Ice T (yeah, take that Flo Rida) The Godfather and D'Lo Brown dance down to the ring, hos in tow as ever. Ice T raps a song about bitches and so on as they make their way down to the ramp. See, this is how modern WrestleManias should do it. If you MUST have a musical guest, keep their performance to a minimum, and make sure it coincides with the entrance of a superstar. The full blown concert that broke out before Cena and Rock's entrances a year and a half ago was infuriating.

...

Okay I take it back. This is going on longer than I expected, and some of the lyrics are unintentionally hilarious. "It's the G-O-D-F-A-T-H-E-R, / Folks start running when they see his car" and "GRAB YO BITCHESSS" are two personal favourites of mine. Also Godfather is getting a load of shotouts and D'Lo hasn't yet received one from Mr T. I feel sorry for him.

My this is all terribly misogynistic.

1. The Godfather and D'Lo Brown vs Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan
Luckily The SHIELD Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan are out to stop this blatant sexism. I'm sure that's why they're out here anyway. There's one lone "I <3 Boss Man and Bull" sign in the crowd being waved by a brave little kid in the crowd. I bet he grew up to be a smark. JR hypes this as the most electrifying WrestleMania of all time. King replies "I'm electrified already. Look at that ho over there in the red! Woohoo!" Profound. D'Lo takes control of the opening exchange with Buchanan, prompting Boss Man to step in and interfere. Godfather puts a stop to that idea, CHARGING into the ring and beheading him with a clothesline. Jesus, he's not messing around. D'Lo knocks Bull down again and screams "YOU SUCK!" There should be more audible trash talking during matches in the WWE today, I think. Godfather's in now, and man is he clumsy. He and Boss Man brawl really messily and thankfully decide to tag in their respective partners. D'Lo hits a NINE count of punches in the corner (loving hipster), before whipping Bull to the opposite side of the ring. OH WOW! Buchanan LEAPS onto the top rope in a single bound, turns and levels D'Lo with a flying clothesline. That was great.

Bull presses the advantage with a HARD powerslam. Oh my god, is he good in the ring!? I always thought I remembered him as a lumbering hoss, but he's kicking rear end here. Boss Man is in and drapes D'Lo over the middle rope. 619? Not quite. He and Bull simply run the ropes, slide out of the ring, and punch Brown in the face. That seemed pointless. Buchanan hits a lovely axe kick (as good as Booker's even) but sadly doesn't bust out a headspin. D'Lo gets beaten down for a while and the hoes look bored on the outside. I suppose Godfather hasn't really done much. Thankfully. Buchanan breaks out a bear hug, just in case any of the crowd were excited for the show. Boss Man hits a backbreaker and two of the hoes are chatting and smiling. They should be more worried. The ho next to them has her head in her hands. That's better. Promote her. Bull goes up top but Godfather shakes the ropes and crotches him. He begs D'Lo for the tag but gets ignored, and Brown instead heads up top for a frankensteiner! Nice. Godfather gets the hot tag and is just...awful. He kills any momentum with his very slow comeback, culminating in the Ho Train to Boss Man in the corner. Godfather for some reason tags D'Lo back in (he was on the brink of defeat a minute ago; what an inconsiderate partner), and Brown is almost immediately leveled with a black hole slam equivalent by the Boss Man. Buchanan comes off the top with a HUGE legdrop and that's enough for the three count. YEAHHH!

Winners: Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan 1/5 - This was really ordinary. The only real bright spot was Buchanan, who occasionally busted out some great high risk offense. Godfather was awful. D'Lo and Boss Man were just about good enough to make this okay.

The winners celebrate by menacingly stalking the hoes back up the ramp while Godfather and D'Lo chill on the canvas. Pimpin' ain't easy, you know.

Backstage, Trips and Stephanie are admiring their belts. They talk about how great they are for essentially running the WWF and WrestleMania, and both being champions. That's it.

We now cut to a meeting earlier tonight of the wrestlers competing in the upcoming Hardcore Battle Royal. This is midcard heaven. So many midcarders. I love it. The referees go over the rules of their upcoming match while champion Crash Holly stands there looking smug. The title can change hands an indefinite number of times in the match's 15 minutes, and the man with the belt at the very end of the match will become champion. More of a scramble than a battle royal (as it is billed), but okay.

2. WWF Hardcore Championship Match: 15 Minute Hardcore Battle Royal
Everybody gets their own entrance. Yay. Tazz is out first, having fallen a long way since beating Kurt Angle in under five minutes at the Royal Rumble. Viscera is next, followed by all three members of the Mean Street Posse (Pete Gas, Rodney, and Joey Abs). Hardcore Holly comes out and CRACKS A SMILE!? Wow. Taka and Funaki brandish huge Japanese flags while Mosh and Thrasher...wear cone bras. The depth of gimmicks in the Attitude Era midcard is astounding. The Acolytes are involved too, followed finally by the champ, Crash. He marches down to the ring and dives fearlessly into the fray. Everybody goes after one another, and I'm not sure why they don't all immediately team up on Crash. Surely they can only become champion by pinning him. Everybody spills to the outside apart from Tazz and Crash. The former ECW champ gives Holly a belly-to-belly suplex, and that's immediately enough for the three count. Tazz is announced as the new champion, and everybody seems to be more interested in smashing each other with weapons. That would be great, except I can't focus on any particular spot because THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS MATCH.

Viscera grabs Tazz on the outside and runs with him into a ringpost. That's apparently enough for a three count as well, and now Vis is the champ. Jesus, this match seems to be booked with the sole purpose of making EVERYONE in it less over. The referees raise Viscera's arms (instead of immediately reporting him to the police for trying to splash a pregnant old lady at the previous PPV). Viscera starts smashing people with a Japanese flag while Bradshaw clocks one of the Headbangers with a telephone. #AttitudeEra. The Means Street Posse and Acolytes all team up on Viscera while we get a quick shot of Crash lying on the floor busted WIDE open! How that happened we'll never find out sadly. Because THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS MATCH.

One of the Headbangers goes to work on Hardcore Holly with a badminton racket (of course) while Viscera lumbers among the smaller men, occasionally picking one up to throw aside. He's the current champ; why doesn't he just run away and hide until the time limit is up? Admittedly a man of his size probably can't find a place to hide too easily. I like to imagine him unconvincingly crouching behind a lamppost. Bradshaw lays out everyone. Tazz lays out Bradshaw. Hardcore Holly lays out Viscera. That only gets a two count. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS MATCH? Mosh tries to cover Viscera and the champ presses him off his chest, right onto the referee. That was funny. A timer flashes up informing me that there are TEN WHOLE MINUTES LEFT! Jesus. Some of the competitors begin to trickle back into the ring. Viscera decimates everybody (slowly) with a metal tray, before heading to the top because he has no concept of strategy. He's so slow that the Acolytes have time to hit their finishers on Taka and Funaki before lumbering over to drag him off the turnbuckle.

Faarooq breaks a 2x4 over the champ's back and Bradshaw takes him down with a shoulder block from the top. The Acolytes grab Kaientai's carcasses and drape them over Viscera for the pinfall. Huh? I guess they had hired the APA. Or Bradshaw and Faarooq are just trolling this pointless match. Funaki is announced as the new champ, which angers Taka. He clocks his tag partner and FUNAKI BAILS! HE SCAMPERS UP THE RAMP! YES! Everybody chases after him. THIS is what I was hoping the match would be like. Everybody heads backstage and this looks like something out of The Warriors (especially with everybody's wacky outfits). Rodney of the Mean Street Posse whips Funaki into a miscellaneous piece of backstage equipment and pins him to become the new champ. Joey Abs doesn't like this and takes him down with a suplex on the concrete floor for a pinfall of his own. OH poo poo! The Headbangers ram a trolley into him and start beating the gently caress out of the new champ with metal pipes. They actually look legitimately terrifying. Thrasher whips Joey into a huge steel shutter before pinning him for a reign of his own.

Everybody brawls back onto the ramp and Pete Gas smashes Thrasher with a fire extinguisher (after the obligatory dousing in foam spot). Three count and he is DELIGHTED to be the new champ. Lovely. Tazz cuts that dream short with a few suplexes around ringside, ending with a pinfall of his own. Hardcore and Crash are back on the scene now, Crash's bleeding now less severe (certainly less than Pete Gas' bladejob, which looks to have gone horribly wrong. That's nasty.) Thrasher is now beating Tazz around, and Tazz is kicking out of everything at two. Come on, he did this whole resilience thing at the last PPV and it wasn't compelling at all; what makes you think it'll be really exciting in the middle of this clusterfuck? Crash, Hardcore and Tazz end up in the ring, smacking one another over the head with a trashcan lid. For a moment I'm struck by the futility of it all, in a very Beckettian sense. All three men seem oblivious to (and yet somehow accepting of) the utter pointlessness of the Hardcore Title, yet continue to bludgeon one another in pursuit of it, just as Vladimir and Estragon continue to wait for Godot, not because they want to, not even because they MUST do - simply because they do. Then Bradshaw interrupts my musing by cracking Joey Abs over the head with a cookie tray.

Hardcore Holly launches Crash out of the ring and seriously begins to go to work on Tazz (with ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVES. Dropkicks and everything). Tazz continues to kick out of everything at two, while King points out that there's only a minute left - "Looks like Tazz is going to hang on!". Way to telegraph the ending, Jerry. Just like when Michael Cole yells "NEW CHAMPION!" or "THE STREAK'S OVER!" during a pinfall attempt. Crash is back in now and batters Tazz with several headshots with, yup, another cookie tray. He gets the three count, although Tazz does pretty much kick out on the stroke of three. He just loves loving putting himself over doesn't he? The little jumped up midget bastard. Sorry, these past couple of shows have made me really sick of Tazz and his incessant resilience. Nobody cares if you're the tough guy, okay!? Anyway, Crash is the champ again and TAZZ SLAPS ON THE TAZZMISSION. Crash is fading with 10 seconds left, when suddenly Hardcore leaps into the ring with a candy jar (which nobody thought to use up until this point, apparently). He SHATTERS it over Crash's head (cool spot) and covers him. 1...2...WHAT!?

Alright what the gently caress!? Let's pick the bones out of that finish for a second. As time winds down, Hardcore flies into the ring and lays out Crash (and Tazz) with the candy jar shot. He then covers Crash with around four seconds comfortably left on the clock, the ref counts two...and then doesn't count the three!? Hardcore clearly has Crash pinned for three seconds, Crash doesn't even make a movement to suggest kicking out, but the three is never counted. Then (to make things more confusing) the bell rings to signal the end of the 15 minutes, Crash bails out of the ring and grabs his belt...and then HARDCORE IS ANNOUNCED AS THE WINNER OF THE MATCH!?

Winner and NEW Hardcore Champion: Hardcore Holly DUD/5 - Double dud. This was really atrocious, easily worse than any TNA match I watched back in my old thread (and there were some stinkers). The action was anarchic, but not in an exciting way. More in a plodding, overcrowded, unorganized mess of a way. But all that aside, the finish alone would have reduced a five star match to rubble. My guess is that they originally planned to have Hardcore make the cover with only two seconds left, allowing time to run out and Crash to retain his belt. But Hardcore must have covered the champ too early, the ref utterly poo poo himself and refused to count the three (even though Crash BLATANTLY didn't kick out), and then somebody called a quick audible and had Fink announce Bob as the rightful champ. To make things even more hilarious, Fink sounded pretty unconvinced in his announcement. "...and new Hardcore Champion...Hardcore...Holly."

Crash is already halfway up the ramp with the belt, which forces a ref to chase him down and snatch the championship away from him. Bob is waiting in the ring with a face like thunder. He knows they hosed up. Oh dear. OH THEY SHOW A REPLAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? We see a slow-mo replay of exactly WHERE THEY hosed UP, just in case everybody didn't realise the first time. JR makes things worse by furiously claiming that Crash got a shoulder up. He didn't, Jim. He didn't.

I was planning to watch three matches in part one, but that has utterly sapped my love of wrestling for tonight at least. I'm off to bed. I'll be back soon with part two.

Gah, that was just awful.

Terrible.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:59

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

I will never get tired of punching you in the face.

I never realized before that the WM2k logo makes it look like it's spelled "WFRESTLEMANIA".

Unknownone
Apr 23, 2003

Some stupid 04 bought me this

JGKing posted:

...

Okay I take it back. This is going on longer than I expected, and some of the lyrics are unintentionally hilarious. "It's the G-O-D-F-A-T-H-E-R, / Folks start running when they see his car" and "GRAB YO BITCHESSS" are two personal favourites of mine. Also Godfather is getting a load of shotouts and D'Lo hasn't yet received one from Mr T. I feel sorry for him.


That is because the song was written for the Godfather as part of the WWF Agression album. Also see Kanes theme by The Eastsidaz and Mystikal doing one for HHH.

More here: http://www.amazon.com/WWF-Aggressio...s/dp/B00004HYGX

triplexpac
Mar 24, 2007

One day in your memoirs, you'll describe me as inscrutable.

Yeah that Mania sure did suck

But just wait till you get to Backlash

I've been watching a lot of 1998 ECW, maybe I should start one of these threads for that. Unless it would clutter things up too much.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


triplexpac posted:

I've been watching a lot of 1998 ECW, maybe I should start one of these threads for that. Unless it would clutter things up too much.
Go for it dude, by all means. I'd definitely read along.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000


PART 2

Al Snow is backstage with MY BOY Steve Blackman. Al has planned the greatest ring entrance in Wrestlemania history, apparently. Steve is super serious, as always. He's like Lance Storm with nunchucks. And no real wrestling ability. Meanwhile, Trish Stratus leads Test and Albert (or T&A, ahaha) to the ring. The shot actually begins with a closeup of her boobs. Tactful.

3. Head Cheese vs T&A
We last saw Steve Blackman being labelled "boring" by Madison Square Garden. We last saw Al Snow be eliminated by The Rock from that same Rumble. We last saw Test get a surprisingly big face pop at the Rumble, so obviously now he's heel. We last saw Albert helping Big Boss Man beat down Tazz. This has all the ingredients of a CLASSIC.

Al Snow's big entrance surprise is a Latino midget dressed as a wedge of cheese. Blackman is unamused and so am I. It's weird hearing TNA being said so much on commentary; it just sounds wrong coming from Lawler and JR. T&A dominate the opening stages (Test in particular hitting Al Snow with a sick big boot) but I'm distracted by the fact that JR's headset has broken, and Lawler has to call some of the match by himself. He's really bad at play-by-play. Blackman sweeps Albert's legs quite inventively while JR's headset is fixed, and he takes the opportunity to remind us that Albert has dropped the "Prince" from his name. There's an "Artist Formerly Known As" joke in here somewhere, but I can't quite find it. Test dishes out another big boot. He and Blackman may be the most impressive workers on the show so far, entirely by default. Al Snow takes control and begins to beat Albert around, stopping occasionally to knock Test off the apron. Don't anger him, Al, he's like a modern Achilles. The referee tells off Test for some reason and I realise that the man in stripes is none other than Teddy Long! Well well well. I wonder if he's about to bring one of the Brothers of Destruction out to spice things up. Blackman hits a diving headbutt on Albert, and T&A really don't seem as menacing as they should here.

On the outside, meanwhile, Al's cheese mascot is harassing Trish Stratus. JR calls him "a lecherous little son of a gun". Lawler calls him "Chester the molester". Test and Blackman get the tags, and the former begins to clear house. A third big boot (although this one barely gets above Snow's stomach) and a few clotheslines give him the advantage, leading to Al getting spiked with some kind of huge double powerbomb. Blackman breaks up the pinfall attempt and all four men are still in the ring. Get ahold of this, Teddy! Albert goes to the outside finally, and Snow follows him with an Asai moonsault off the apron! Lovely. He dashes back up to the top rope, coming off with a very nice guillotine legdrop on Test. He breaks off the assault to celebrate, allowing Albert to ruin Blackman's pinfall attempt. Oh Al, you awful partner you. Albert hits the Trainwreck or the A-Train...bomb or whatever it's called on Snow. I'm sure that's his finsiher, but Al bounces back to his feet and is clotheslined to the outside. Test leaps out after him to brawl while Blackman and Albert settle things in the ring. Snow seems to be getting the better of Test on the outside, until the big man thinks "gently caress this poo poo, I'm Test" and whips him clean over the barricade. Albert slams Blackman down and Test is on hand to fly from the top with an elbow drop. That gets the three? Okay.

Winners: T&A 0.5/5 - Slowwwwwwwww stuff. Sloppier than the opening tag match, which at least had a sharp performance from Bull Buchanan to save it somewhat. I figured the cheese mascot or Trish would have something to do with the finish, but they served very little purpose. The latter half of this match was greeted with pretty much dead silence from the crowd. Even the pinfall only generated a sort of relief-pop that the match was over.

Al Snow apologises to Blackman in the ring. He thought the cheese guy would be a good idea but he was wrong. He carries the midget into the ring and says "it's time to cut the cheese" before CM Punking him with the microphone. He drags the poor guy to his feet and Blackman runs in with a scissor kick to the torso. Is this a heel turn or what? I'm confused.

Mae Young is backstage with The Kat who is getting ready for her match completely naked for some reason. They do a comedy bit where Mae holds out various items and they conveniently cover Kat's naughty parts. Lawler loses his poo poo.

THANKFULLY this awful start to Wrestlemania is about to be broken, because the next match isssss.....

4. WWF Tag Team Championship Triangle Ladder Match: The Dudley Boyz (c) vs Edge and Christian vs The Hardy Boyz
Edge and Christian bounce out looking fabulous. The Hardys look intense. Oh wait no they don't, not compared to the champs at least. Jesus. Bubba stalks out with a frightening look on his face and screams "YOU ARE GOING TO SEE VIOLENCE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN" into the camera. I suspect he's right. The champs pose on a ladder on the entrance ramp while the Hardy's watch slack-jawed from the ring, allowing E&C to jump them from behind! Out of these three teams, Edge and Christian are comfortably my favourite. As a kid they would have been my least preferred. Funny how that works. Lawler compares the opening of the match to that of the Hardcore Battle Royal from earlier. Blasphemy, although he has a point. There are three brawls going on around ringside, although all three are sharper than anything we've seen so far from the show. Bubba chops the poo poo out of Jeff but Hardy gets revenge with a Whisper in the Wind. It horrifyingly dawns on me that Jeff's shirt has an exposed chest section. Why!? That is a crime against fashion, sir. He is rightfully put in his place with a huge Bubba Bomb while D-Von goes to work on Edge (who perhaps has the nicest attire in the match, if you're asking. He's opted for a natty pair of green tights, and they're just delightful). The first of the ladders is brought into the ring by Christian while the fans chant for "tables, tables, tables". The facetious bastards. Matt hits the first weapon shot of the match, throwing the ladder into Bubba's face. Jeff then hits the Poetry in Motion on a cornered Bubba, while E&C try to copy the Hardys in the opposite corner. D-Von realises that it's Christian flying at him, however, and swats him out of the air with a ladder. The Hardys take control with a few ladder shots, before Matt hits a middle-rope elbow drop on D-Von (on a ladder). It might be more convenient if you just assume that I add "(on a ladder)" to everything towards the end of the match by the way. Things are going to get pretty chaotic in a little while.

Jeff lays Bubba down (on a ladder) and heads up top. I think he's going for the Swanton but he surprises me with a 450 splash attempt, but Bubba is able to roll out of the way! Ouch! OH EVEN WORSE! Bubba gets revenge by hurling himself back-first onto a ladder laid across Jeff. Surely that would hurt him more! Owwww. Now Edge rides a ladder off the top rope onto Matt Hardy (on a ladder). Everybody's doing their best Jackass-style selling, frantically grabbing limbs and writhing around. I think it's quite effective in putting over how much everything could loving HURT in this bout. Bubba wears the ladder on his head and swings around clocking opponents with it, but he's put down with a double dropkick from Edge and Christian. Everybody brawls some more until Christian re-ignites things, diving off the top of a ladder onto Matt and Bubba on the outside. Jeff meanwhile is climbing for the belts, but Edge SPEARS HIM OFF THE LADDER, flying in from the perpendicular turnbuckle! Matt gets revenge for his brother hitting a crucifix bomb! I didn't know he could bust one of those out but it was brutal! D-Von now tries to climb, but Christian simply chucks another ladder at him to end that plan. Christian now tries to climb but Bubba sets up a ladder either side of his, climbs one, and hits the Bubba Cutter! Sadly that spot was a little telegraphed as they moved into position, but it still looked great. The Hardy Boyz come in now and climb a ladder each, dropping tandem splashes/legdrops on Bubba. Xtreme. Christian runs in and HURLS Jeff to the outside! That was a nasty bumb, man! The big spots keep coming as E&C double-superplex D-Von off a ladder! Given the nature of the spots in this match, the fact that pretty much all of them are done without any sloppiness is remarkable.

E&C and the Hardys climb adjacent ladders and reach for the belts, before hitting a pair of big moves on each other as they fall to the canvas. I'm not really sure who hit what; it was all just a mess of hair. Now fall six men climb a group of ladders in the middle of the ring, but the one carrying Jeff and Christian is shoved over and they JUST DISAPPEAR OVER THE TOP ROPE! That was brutal. Bubba hops down and shoves the remaining ladders over too! D-Von leaps to safety, but Edge and Matt find themselves crotched painfully over the top rope! A great sequence, and it leaves the Dudleys alone in the ring while the crowd pops. Christian unwisely crawls back in, and ends up sandwiched between two sets of ladders. The Dudleys continue their assault, hitting Edge with a picture perfect 3D! They are hyped now and GET THE TABLES from under the ring. Three of them actually, one being placed atop two erect ladders in the middle of the ring. The Hardys recover and brawl tiredly with the Dudleys, but there's a bit of a lull in the action right now as tables get set up and shifted around. The arena is expectant.

Matt gets rammed headfirst into the steps, but worse is to come as Bubba drags him onto the Spanish Announce Table. A regular table is set up in front of it as Bubba prepares to powerbomb Matt into oblivion. Meanwhile D-Von has climbed a ladder in the ring and is about to splash Jeff Hardy through a table below him...but Jeff rolls out of the way! Bubba gives a great "...gently caress it" expression, before going through with the powerbomb on Matt. Bubba stalks around to the other side of the ring and snatches up a ladder. He shares a word with the recovering D-Von through the ropes...when Jeff sneak attacks him, running along the guardrail and leaping off...AND BUBBA THROWS THE LADDER INTO HIS FACE! That was sweet! Bubba is bent on destruction now and sets up a huge ladder halfway up the entrance ramp, with a table at its foot. He drags Jeff over by the hair but Chrisian is suddenly back on the scene with the ring bell! He clocks Bubba with it before being dispatched into the guardrail by Jeff, but the damage is done. Bubba is dazed and it allows Jeff to lay him onto the table and scale the ladder himself. AGHHHH! Jeff does that spot we've all seen at one point or another, and it gets no less impressive with repeated viewing. He Swantons himself off the top of the ladder and connects perfectly with Bubba, ending up on a heap on the entrance ramp while the Dudley is left lying in the wreckage of the table. The crowd is understandably elated.

With Bubba and Jeff now understandably out of the match, D-Von, Christian, and Matt Hardy scrap it out in the ring. I'm not sure where Edge is. Matt hits the Twist of Fate on D-Von and begins to climb to the makeshift table-platform the Dudleys put up there earlier. Christian follows suit and...oh here's Edge! E&C use a good ol' pincer movement on Matt, surrounding him in the middle of the platform. Edge grabs the unsuspecting Hardy from behind and flips him off the side, sending him crashing through a table below! The coast is clear for the surviving pair to grab a belt each and win the match! Hooray!

Winners and NEW WWF Tag Team Champions: Edge and Christian 4.5/5 - A legendary, incredible match. There's a reason this has gone down in WrestleMania folklore and it's aged very well too, even among the current era of Money in the Bank matches and so on. It's not just the big spots that make this great though; the match is actually structured very well too. I love the story of the Hardys and Dudleys pulling off increasingly crazy poo poo on one another until it eventually leaves E&C with the numbers advantage. The standout performer here was Jeff Hardy, closely followed by Bubba, but everybody had a standout moment in truth. Edge's spearing of Jeff off the ladder was particularly great (although nothing touches Jeff's huge Swanton in terms of spectacle and carnage).

The new champs look loving triumphant (and half-broken) atop the table platform as they hoist their belts in the air. They've pretty much saved the show after a lackluster opening. Let's hope the next match can keep it going...

...or maybe not.

5. Cat Fight Match: Terri vs The Kat (Special Guest Referee Val Venis)
Val is out first and has rejected the traditional referee attire, instead wearing a striped towel around his crotch and a black vest that says "I AM COCKED". Of course. Oh, the camera pans around to the back to reveal the slogan "LOCKED AND READY TO UNLOAD". Good. Oh no, somebody thought it would be good to let him cut a promo. Oh dear lord. He makes several comparisons between himself and Wrestlemania. They're both big, etc. But the one difference is: "Wrestlemania only comes once a year. The Big Valbowski comes every single night." Ugh, I just shuddered involuntarily. Some girls in the crowd seem to love it, screaming their approval. YOU LOVE IT DO YOU? YOU LOVE VAL VENIS' SEMEN ALL UP IN YOUR VICINITY EVERY NIGHT!? I am outraged. Luckily the competitors are out now. Terri is accompanied by Moolah while Kat has Mae in her corner. Terri is wearing ludicrously see-through pants. Kat has one-upped her with a ludicrously see-through everything. Terri flirts with Val for a little bit to perhaps gain an advantage. Val keeps on licking his thumb by the way. Stop licking your thumb, Val! The two ladies get into a shoving contest and the bell rings. We're underway.

I should point out that the Cat Fight apparently does have a specific rule: the winner is the first person to throw her opponent out of the ring. I guess the WWF didn't trust either of these two to properly execute a pinfall sequence, and I'm not sure I can blame them. The pair proceed to...well...cat fight around for a little while. Val drags Terri off The Kat and she kisses him as he lifts her away. He responds passionately for a few seconds before dropping her under The Kat's glare. She has a go instead, and I'm tempted to believe that Val was in charge of booking this match. Are they going to take turns giving him back-rubs next? The two continue to "brawl" I suppose, while Val is suddenly distracted by Mae young attempted to reveal herself on the apron. He stops her (good man), but Kat tosses Terri out of the ring while his back is turned! Moolah rolls Terri back in before he can realise and she tackles Kat to the canvas, slapping her around a bit. Mae chases Moolah into the ring and Val has to sort this poo poo out. I feel slightly sorry for him now. OH MAN I REALLY DO NOW, as Mae forces a kiss upon him as he tries to usher her out of the ring. Again Kat throws Terri to the floor, but again Mae has the referee distracted. You really are the worst manager ever, Mae. Moolah drags Kat out by her feet and helps Terri back in. Val finally breaks free of Mae's clutches and turns around to see Terri alone in the ring. She's declared the winner.

Winner: Terri DUD/5 - I don't feel it necessary to explain why this sucked. Sadly all the momentum from the ladder match is dead and gone. If you're an optimist I suppose you could view this as the "give the crowd a breather" match, but they've really only had about twenty minutes of quality wrestling out of the opening five matches anyway.

Mae jumps Moolah and Terri as they celebrate and knocks them both down. Moolah falls into the corner where she's hit with...ugh...Mae's Bronco Buster. Kat is in too and rips the pants off Terri leaving her in a thong. In fairness, she should be more pissed with Mae. She basically cost her the match twice, although I doubt the crowd would be cheering as loudly if she was disrobing Miss Young.

Let's have a break there (it won't be as long as the last one, I promise) while we catch our bearings. A boring match, a classic, and a...whatever that was. The first half of WrestleMania 2000 hasn't really gone as well as I was hoping. Let's hope it picks up in parts three and four.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:59

Castomira
Feb 24, 2011

Fuck you Eva Marie, if you have to be right there next to all of my posts you don't even get to have red hair. You're a dryad now.


When I was a kid I loved Head Cheese (I liked Al Snow because Foley liked him, and I liked Steve Blackman because he's Steve loving Blackman,) and I was devastated when the team broke up and proceeded to pretty much nothing at all for the rest of the year. That being said, in retrospect it doesn't surprise me at all that they would put on terrible matches, even though literally everybody in that tag match was at least a decent wrestler.

I also hated that neither Lillian Garcia nor the chyrons ever literally said "Head Cheese."

Also, holy poo poo, in retrospect it's absolutely unbelievable that Trish Stratus spent a Wrestlemania managing a lukewarm tag team while Goldust and Jerry Lawler's wives had an actual match.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Castomira posted:

I also hated that neither Lillian Garcia nor the chyrons ever literally said "Head Cheese."
Lawler and JR did briefly mention that Al Snow would love for the team to be officially known as Head Cheese, but the impression given was that Blackman was having none of that poo poo.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Sorry for the double-post but it needs to be said. Whoever is responsible for the avatar and text, THANK YOU! I am laughing my rear end off.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000


PART 3

The Radicalz have a team talk backstage prior to their 6-man tag match tonight (Benoit is absent for whatever reason). New Light Heavyweight champion Malenko tries to get everybody to focus but Eddie is smitten with Chyna. Saturn yells at him to concentrate, saying "YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY GOOD LOOKING GUY IN THIS GROUP!". This is the second time in as many PPVs that Saturn has unwittingly had me in fits of laughter. He's like an orange Scott Steiner. The camera shifts to the faces' dressing room, where they're WATCHING THE RADICALZ' INTERVIEW ON A MONITOR! More wrestlers should do that to get one-up on their opponents. I also wonder why so many heels are often willing to let cameramen into their top-secret team talks. Chyna exclaims that Eddie is gross.

6. The Radicalz vs Too Cool and Chyna
It does seem that Too Cool have downgraded a little bit here from Rikishi to Chyna. I wonder why the big man is absent from WrestleMania. A quick scan of Wikipedia informs me that he's on later in the card (as is Benoit), AND I managed to avoid any spoilers. Bonus. Eddie tries his best smoldering look as Chyna makes her entrance, before slowly taking off his vest in front of her. That might work if she weren't about the same size as you, Eddie, maybe even a touch bigger. Eddie and Scotty have a frantic opening exchange which Mr 2 Hotty gets the best of, nailing Guerrero with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before moonwalking over to tag in Chyna. Eddie scoots away immediately on his knees and tags in Malenko. Eddie is getting quite a lot of heat here; there's a very audible "Eddie sucks" chant. Chyna takes control of Malenko as JR baffles me by saying "Boy look at that attire Chyna is wearing. She looks HOT!". Is he ironically mocking King? He sounds serious. Call the action, Jim. Sexay and Chyna take Malenko over with a double vertical suplex before the Grandmaster urges his female partner to copy his shoulder-shuffling dance. She's bad at it. Oh dear. Eddie's in now and Grandmaster takes him down before looking to fly from the top...but "Big" Perry "The Enforcer" Saturn shoves him off. The Radicalz charge the ring now and Saturn steals Sexay's do-rag in the melee. He puts it on, the playful bastard. Except he wears a constantly stern expression throughout. Honestly, my love of Perry Saturn is growing with every segment or match I see him in. Aw, he took it off. I've also noticed that Sexay has a lovely natural hair colour, kind of a chestnut brown. Why does he hide it all the time?

Eddie takes control now, backdropping Scotty right onto the top rope before throwing another expression of pure erotica at Chyna. I'm not sure how she can resist. Ugh, Lawler shut up. "She's starting to perspire, to get moist". Diabolical. Eddie gyrates in the direction of Sexay who tries to charge the ring but the ref stops that, allowing Guerrero to grab Chyna by the hair and smash her head into the turnbuckle! So dastardly! Grandmaster gets revenge for her with a vertical suplex from the apron, dropping Eddie to the outside. He and Scotty then get the better of the remaining Radicalz inside the ring, leaving them prone in position for a double Worm! Oh Jesus, Scotty has realised this too and is wearing the look of a man about three seconds away from jizzing everywhere. He nails the Worm on both men before turning his attention to the returning Eddie. Guerrero grabs the ref for safety, allowing the other Radicalz to drag Scotty from the ring and throw him over the barrier, like a pair of nightclub bouncers dismissing a drunk teen from the premises. The referee doesn't allow an Eddie/Chyna confrontation to occur, which is a shame, but Perry Saturn restores my good mood with a massive elbow drop on Scotty. He got surprising air on that. Scotty finally gets out of trouble with a tag to Chyna while Eddie is the legal Radical. The Latino runs for cover and Malenko and Saturn step in to protect him...but Chyna takes both down with a double clothesline!

Eddie crawls between her legs and dashes for cover, leaving Malenko and Saturn to eat a big bodyslam each from the Ninth Wonder. She then drops to her knees and hits a tandem low blow on either Radical, while the referee is just having a casual conversation with Too Cool in their corner. Terrible officiating mate. Terrible. She also hit her stupid handspring elbow move in the corner on both men, which I HATE. Eddie puts a stop to the fun by flooring her with a very cheap shot. He sets up for a powerbomb and pauses to gyrate the hips for a while, giving Chyna time to reverse the move and hit a powerbomb of her own! Eddie no-sells that poo poo and runs at her...and Chyna grabs him by the unmentionables! REFEREE! He's right there and does NOTHING! Chyna plants Eddie with a gorilla press and a sleeper-hold slam kinda deal, which is enough to get the three count (to a big pop).

Winners: Too Cool and Chyna 2/5 - A decent match here, one dampened slightly by some baffling refereeing and perhaps an underwhelming finishing sequence (Chyna's final move wasn't the most impactful). Generally good work from everybody though, especially the always animated Eddie, who's quite obviously great at drawing heat from the crowd.

We see a clip of Angle putting Bob Backlund in the Crossface Chickenwing on an episode of Heat, pissed off at Backlund's decision to have him defend BOTH of his titles at 'Mania.

Angle is now backstage, very politely asking the head of security to perhaps provide him with a little extra security when he celebrates in the crowd following his inevitable win in an upcoming match. Magnificent heeling.

7. WWF Intercontinental and WWF European Championship Two Fall Match: Kurt Angle (c)(c) vs Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit
Jericho gets a huge pop upon entering. He welcomes us all to "WRESTLEMANIA...IS...JERICHO" and hypes the match (and himself, of course), calling Kurt and Benoit "Kurt Angel" and "Mr Roboto" respectively. Benoit and Angle follow with decidedly less fanfare; it seems as though Jericho is fully babyface by this stage. Benoit jumps Angle on the outside and rolls him in. The three brawl (with a surprising lack of fluidity) for a while before Jericho backflips out of a Benoit suplex attempt and dropkicks him out of the ring. He looks to take advantage of Angle's slow start but the Olympic Hero is able to stall until Benoit returns. Jericho doesn't seem to mind, and does his unique turnbuckle dropkick to knock both off the apron. He follows them to the outside, but is hit with a backdrop by Angle into the ring steps. Ouch. They work their way back into the ring while Lawler grills JR on why he hates Angle so much. "He's a very clean cut young man" says Jim, "but his favourite subject is himself." King makes the excellent point that Jericho isn't exactly the most selfless person in the world, but gets cut off when Benoit shoves Y2J off the top rope into the edge of the announce table. The Wolverine hits a snap suplex on Angle and gets a near fall (this first fall being for the Intercontinental Title, I believe).

The three continue to exchange suplexes and near-falls, but it's all fairly normal. I think I came into this match with overly-lofty expectations. There's nothing WRONG with any of it, it's just not starting any fires. Angle whips Benoit into a corner atop which Jericho is perched. Y2J tries a sunset flip, but Benoit instead hooks his legs and is only denied a three count by an Angle dropkick to the spine. That was slick. The match really starts to shift gears now as Angle and Jericho expertly exchange a series of holds, before Angle works his way around the back and slaps on the Crossface Chickenwing! The ref raises Jericho's hand twice, but Benoit makes a timely intervention to prevent Angle from winning the fall. Benoit pretty ruthlessly drags Kurt out of the ring and dispatches him into the laps of a few lucky fans. The Rabid Wolverine is free to hit the Diving Headbutt on a barely conscious Jericho and collect the first title up for grabs!

Winner and NEW WWF Intercontinental Champion: Chris Benoit

Angle is distraught and only just makes it into the ring in time to break up Benoit's second pinfall attempt. He knocks down Benoit and heads to the top. Maybe he's going to hit that GORGEOUS moonsault! Awww, Jericho ruins that idea by crotching the Olympian up top. These three are now fighting for the European title, by the way. I wonder why the less prestigious belt of the two is being competed for in the latter fall. It's not a huge issue though, as Benoit now crotches Jericho right up there next to Angle. The Wolverine hits a back superplex on Jericho, leaving both men down on the canvas. Angle flies with his moonsault and it's BEAUTIFUL! Sadly it never, EVER connects, and both opponents are able to roll out of the way. Everybody takes a moment to recover, before Jericho ducks a wild right hand from Kurt and sets him up for the WALLS! Benoit breaks it up, however, and goes to work on Y2J. He seems to really have had Jericho's number for most of this match. I wonder if that's something they were deliberately going for. Perhaps not, as Jericho decapitates him with a spinning heel kick before hooking up Angle for a double powerbomb! The crowd are molten for him, but Benoit is back with a trio of German suplexes. The third is a bridging pinfall attempt, and Angle only JUST breaks it up at two! This match has really stepped it up in these last few stages. Aghh the momentum is killed slightly as Benoit attempts a bridging dragon/tiger suplex (I always mix the two up; whichever looks like a German but with a sleeper hold grip) and it's really sloppy. The referee counts two even though Angle's shoulders are clearly not down, and JR helpfully points out that it's the same ref who made a hash of the ending of the Hardcore Battle Royal. It's Tim White, and he is having a NIGHTMARE. His day gets even worse as Jericho accidentally clatters into him.

Jericho turns straight into the Crippler Crossface, and almost immediately taps! What a bitch! There's no ref to register the fall, however, and Benoit is livid. He tries to rouse the official, before turning straight into the Walls of Jericho! He holds on slightly longer before tapping, but Kurt puts a stop to it anyway with a huge belt shot to Jericho's FACE. Just his big smug FACE. Angle covers Jericho near the apron, and Benoit has to scoot around two sides of the ring to drag Y2J to safety just in time. Kurt and Benoit exchange tired rights in the ring before Angle is nailed with a nice back suplex. He goes up top for the Headbutt, but Angle rolls out of the way with a split second to spare! Excellent timing. Jericho shows great opportunism, scrambling into the ring and nailing the Lionsault on Benoit. Before anybody can realise what's happened he's the new European champ!

Winner and NEW WWF European Champion: Chris Jericho 3.5/5 - After a very underwhelming start a great match emerged. Angle in particular was magnificent, acting both as the glue that held everything together and hitting some big spots of his own. I imagine that they're getting the belts off him to prepare for a push into the main event scene, while placing the straps on a couple of hot stars they wish to elevate further. Very smart booking. Good job everyone!

Angle is devastated and stays in the ring long after both new champs have departed (waving their gold in his face as they leave), whining and pleading to anybody who'll listen.

8. Degeneration X vs Rikishi and Kane
Tori accompanies X Pac and Road Dogg, while Bearer walks his monstrous charge down to the ring. Rikishi's entrance is accompanied by JR's assurance that he has "The worlds most challenging cheeks...and he WILL back that rear end up." Has somebody been slipping Jim alcohol? He's especially vulgar tonight. Tori slaps Bearer at ringside and he stalks her menacingly around the ring. DX go to work on Rikishi, meanwhile, shredding the poor lei of flowers around his neck. Kane immediately goozles Tori on the outside, forcing X Pac to leave the ring and save her. This allows Rikishi to dominate Road Dogg, squashing him in the corner before hitting an immediate Stink Face! Well that was quick. Tori has found herself in the ring with Rikishi thanks to her lengthily retreat from Kane (the things we wouldn't do to avoid an ex, amiriteyouguys?), forcing X Pac to save her again, probably from an inevitable Stink Face. DX decide they've had quite enough of this poo poo, and begin to make their way up the entrance ramp. Yeah, gently caress WrestleMania guys. You've got better things to do. Kane and Rikishi follow them up the aisle and begin a beatdown. Back in the ring and suddenly X Pac gets his second wind, dropping Rikishi with a few kicks and hitting the Bronco Buster. Road Dogg is in now and he hits his dancing punches AND the crazy knees thing. Everybody's getting their spots in early here; I wonder what's going to happen.

X Pac kicks Rikishi around for a little while, but the big Samoan counters with a big fallaway slam and makes the hot tag to Kane (after doing a pointless forward roll to the corner, because he's playful I guess). Kane deals with Road Dogg before turning his attention to his nemesis. Pac is clotheslined in the corner and loses his footing. Could we see another Stink Face? X Pac manages to bail out of the ring as Rikishi slowly backs up, but he manages instead to catch Road Dogg running in with a sick superkick. That made a great sound. Bearer rolls Tori into the ring and Kane goozles her...before chucking her HARD into the corner. Rikishi finally does execute a second Stink Face, before Kane drills X Pac with the Tombstone for an easy three count.

Winners: Rikishi and Kane 1.5/5 - A pretty entertaining match, but really nothing more than a squash. A nice feel-good revenge win for Kane here, although his initial loss at No Way Out was more memorable I think, simply because the match was better (and had a more blood-feud feel to it with the stipulation). Backwards booking perhaps, but still entirely passable wrestling.

Too Cool come down to join in the celebrations. I'm not sure if Kane's going to play along. The San Diego Chicken runs out as well, leading JR and King to believe it's Pete Rose in disguise (this being WrestleMania and a Kane match, of course). Too Cool pop the sunglasses on Rikishi and everybody is really excited to see some dancing. Hey guys, remember when he betrayed you both at the Royal Rumble in a heartless display of selfishness? Just checking. The Too Cool music hits and everybody busts a move (besides Kane and Bearer, sadly). Kane backs the chicken into the corner and looks for the Chokeslam, but it turns out not to be Pete Rose after all. The real Pete Rose slides into the ring and looks to blindside Kane with a baseball bat, only for Rikishi to snatch it out of his grasp on the backswing. Kane hits him with a big Chokeslam and Bearer throws up several DX "suck it"s for some reason. Too Cool drag Rose into a corner and Rikishi hits the third Stink Face of the night (which is far too many). Unlike struggling like most people, Rose pretends to be knocked unconscious from the Chokeslam. It makes the Stink Face all the more disturbing to be honest. Bearer gives Scotty an adorable high five before Kane ignites his pyro. Too Cool kind of stand there looking scared at all the flames and dimmed lights. Haha, they try to dance to his theme music with only partial success.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 00:59

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

I will never get tired of punching you in the face.

JGKing posted:

The camera shifts to the faces' dressing room, where they're WATCHING THE RADICALZ' INTERVIEW ON A MONITOR!

I wonder what the logistics of the heel locker room are like. We don't see that anymore.

"Hey, sorry man, the fans boo you so you have to change with the other dudes everyone hates."
"Aww gently caress, man. Snitsky changes in there!"
"Well you're the one who wanted to hit your best friend with a chair so you could steal his title. It's the rules."

And I assume Kane has just always changed in the boiler room, since Kane's alignment has always been 'Kane alignment'.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000


PART 4

It's almost main event time, so let's go over why each contestant is here. Triple H is the champion. He has Steph in his corner because she's his wife. That's fair enough. The Rock is here because he won the Rumble, and Vince is in his corner because he's defending him from Trips and Stephanie's "McMahon-Helmsley regime". Big Show is here because he's the ACTUAL Rumble winner dammit! Shane's his manager. He also helped Show get into this match by WAFFLING The Rock with a steel chair at No Way Out. It was seriously sweet. I don't know why Foley is here and I am angry that he is, mainly because his retirement at No Way Out was so poignant and perfect. It needed no further twists. Linda reinstated him to the WWF and placed him in this match because she's essentially a walking deus ex machina, so she's in his corner. And what could be better than a McMahon in every corner!? Focusing on the wrestlers, you say? Nahhhh.

The huge dude from The Green Mile is at ringside and is way more psyched than any of the competitors. He screams his support for The Rock into the camera, but also gives Foley a friendly shove as he makes his way down to the ring. N'aww. JR explains that "Linda McMahon brought Mick Foley back because IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!". He doesn't say anything concrete or logical, but we'll overlook that. Big Show's out looking like the Big Show. The loudest reaction of course belongs to Rocky, but it just looks bizarre having him stalk down the ramp alongside Vince. Triple H and Stephanie are out looking MEAN. Even if I knew nothing of wrestling beyond the PPVs in this thread, I'd probably still buy Triple H as a huge badass after those two matches with Foley. JR calls Stephanie egotistical for bringing her Women's title to ringside with her. I'm not sure I follow that logic, Jim. Don't champions carry their titles pretty much everywhere?

9. WWF Championship Fatal Four Way Elimination Match: Triple H (c) vs Mick Foley vs Big Show vs The Rock
The two feuding pairs immediately go after one another, which makes sense. Foley beats down The Game in one corner and blasts him with a running knee, but both are dropped by a Big Show double clothesline soon after. He gives the Rock and Triple H huge gorilla presses and is dominating the early going. Triple H comes off the top (quite a rarity) with a flying nothing, and almost finds himself chokeslammed by Show. Foley breaks it up with a boot to the groin however, and all three smaller men team up on the big man. They all have a go at clotheslining him off his feet and of course it's the Rock who is finally able to topple Show. Shane looks worried We'll occasionally get a reaction shot from one of the McMahons like we're in a bad TV drama. Foley clotheslines himself and Triple H to the outside. He finds a chair out there and drives it into the champ's ribs, while the Rock and Show battle it out inside the ring. We get our first bit of McMahon interference as Shane grabs Rock's leg as he runs the ropes. He jumps up on the apron to yell at the Brahma Bull, and Rocky draws huge cheers by clocking him with a right hand. Foley simultaneously smacks Show's spine with a chairshot through the ropes, forcing him to stagger forward right into THE ROCK BOTTOM! 1...2...3!

Elimination #1: Big Show (by The Rock)

Well he didn't last very long. He still has the pride of being the REAL Rumble winner to comfort him. I know you won that match Show! A heard of referees come out to usher Show to the back but he's not done. He jabs a finger in Vince's face and says "You son of a bitch, this isn't over!". Now I dislike Vince McMahon as much as the next man, but he had literally nothing to do with Show's elimination. Triple H realises he's outmatched by the faces now, and tries to bargain with Mick to team up against the Rock. That doesn't work, so he instead propositions Rocky. The Rock seemingly agrees, and the Game proves he's not THAT cerebral by turning his back on the People's Champ...and getting socked for his naivety. The faces play heel-tennis with Triple H, who JR brands "the soon to be former champion". The three brawl on the outside for a while, and Foley reverses a Triple H whip, sending the champ right into a hard clothesline from The Rock. Foley snatches the ring bell and tosses it to Rocky, before holding Trips in place...but of course the Game ducks, and Rocky accidentally nails his former tag partner with the bell! He turns right into a clothesline from Triple H and THE COMEBACK IS ON! Triple H sends the Rock into the ring steps and both challengers lie in a heap on the floor. For all his flaws and unlikable characteristics, Triple H is really good at looking like a badass sometimes. He never forgets to sell either. We get a brief shot of Linda urging Mick to his feet, and she has been easily the least vocal of the four McMahons so far.

Out of nowhere, Foley somehow has the barbed wire wrapped 2x4. Triple H retreats into the ring and backs away terrified, but is able to duck Mick's swing and hit a low blow. The champ now has the 2x4 and gets one shot in on Foley's abdomen, before the Rock reenters the ring to save the day. Triple H sends him over the top to the outside where Lawler fears he may have landed on the barbed wire. He actually landed on the remnants of Rikishi's lei, which it seems nobody bothered to clean up. Suddenly Foley nails the champ with the Double Arm DDT! Cover him you idiot! Mick instead goes for Mr Socko and clamps on the Mandible Claw. We haven't really seen enough of that move in this thread, but the champ is stuck in it now with seemingly no escape in sight. Foley actually releases it voluntarily, allowing the Rock to steam in and clock Trips with his own championship belt. The Rock sets up for the People's Elbow...but FOLEY CLAMPS ON THE MANDIBLE CLAW! So cunning! Rocky squirms but Triple H (for some reason) breaks up the submission with a double low blow from his knees (the same move we saw Chyna do earlier. They must teach it at DX training camp).

Vince sneakily slides a chair in the ring for the Rock, but the People's Champ kicks everybody's as without it until Foley ends his momentum with a clothesline. They work a nice sequence of reversals until Foley catches him with the Double Arm DDT! 1...2...but Rock uses PPV RESILIENCY to kick out of the finisher! The Rock's PPV resiliency capacity must be off the charts tonight, especially as it's WrestleMania AND he's the major babyface. Nearing Cena levels. Foley charges the Rock with Vince's chair, but the Brahma Bull gets a boot up to kick it back in his face. DDT to Foley gets a two count. Foley now suggests joining forces with Triple H which the Game accepts, and they beat around the Rock for a while. I love this booking actually. This is Mick's last shot at the title and he's willing to do anything to get the title. Triple H is of course slimy enough to strike a deal with anybody if it gives him the edge. They grind Rock down on the outside until he summons the strength to send Mick careering into the ring steps. Nobody takes a steps bump like Foley. Linda has to run for cover as the hardcore legend goes flying. The Rock now lays into the Game but Foley is back with the steps held above his head, and he CLOCKS Rocky with them.

Foley and Triple H regain control and beat Rock down onto the Spanish announce table. The Game convinces Foley to drop an elbow from the top rope and Mick is stupid enough to oblige...except he gets NOWHERE NEAR THE ROCK and crushes his own ribs on the edge of the table! Ughhhhhh that must have hurt like hell. Triple H tries to save the spot with a couple of big elbow drops from one announce table to the other. They were ugly but quite impressive in a brutal sort of way. Anyway the table finally succumbs and the Rock looks to be on his last legs. The champ drags the weakened Foley back in the ring and hits the Pedigree, but MICK KICKS OUT! PPV RESILIENCY, EVERYONE. Maybe it's an energy drink. Triple H engages in one of his favourite pastimes and shoves Earl Hebner to the mat. Trips isn't loving around now and clocks Foley with a chairshot, before Pedigreeing him down onto the chair. Linda acts poorly from the sidelines, but even her cries of "come on Mick" can't save Foley from elimination.

Elimination #2: Mick Foley (by Triple H)

Some fans unfurl a very well timed "THANK YOU MICK FOLEY" banner (I love how they knew he wasn't going to win as much as everyone else), and he crawls out of the ring into another retirement. Maybe this one will last longer than a couple of weeks, eh? Foley raises his arms as he leaves, although the moment is kind of ruined by the fact that he has to walk to the back alongside Linda. Oh wait, he's not done! With a vengeful look, Foley storms back to the ring and snatches up the 2x4. Lawler hilariously says "This guy un-retires more times than..." but is cut off as Mick smashes Triple H with the weapon, leaving the champ down in the middle of the ring. He deperts heroically as the Rock crawls into a cover...but the Game kicks out at two! The Rock takes things outside (with the guy from Green Mile hilariously roaring on his encouragement. I think he said "DEAD THAT SUCKA") and drags the champ all the way to the top of the ramp, nailing him with a vertical suplex on the hard floor. The Rock beats him through a section of the crowd all the way back to ringside and attempts to finish him with a set of ringsteps...but Triple H grabs the timekeeprs chair and waffles the steps back into his face! Rock collapses under the weight of the steps and Triple H goes nuts with the chair for a while with the Rock pinned underneath. OH poo poo! Triple H pulls off perhaps the best spot of the match so far, piledriving Rocky on top of the steps! He STILL only gets two.

The Rock battles bravely back with rights, before backdropping Triple H to the floor (where he lands nastily). The Rock smacks Trips with a single right, sending him up and over the crowd barrier. They battle pointlessly into the crowd, and pointlessly all the way back to ringside. AHAHAH! A fan wearing a ludicrous hat screams at Triple H and he swipes the headgear away. That was brilliant, petty, CM Punk style heeling. Rock hits a spinebuster now, and even though this does have quite a big-match feel it's plodding along by this point. They really should have just booked these two in the main event; no Foley or Show, and absolutely no McMahons. The Rock reignites my enthusiasm by hitting a beautiful vertical suplex on Triple H, demolishing JR and Lawler's poor table. They stagger back to their feet and Triple H drop-toeholds Rock into more ringsteps. Honestly the steps have played more of a central role in this match than Big Show.

Ohhh no. Here's where all the bullshit starts. Vince grabs Triple H and launches him into the ringpost before sticking a few boots in. Suddenly Shane is back out and he floors his father from behind. OOOH he smashes Vince in the head with a TV monitor from the wreckage of the announce table. That was good, but Vince now battles back and they both end up brawling on the floor. It all looks quite pathetic. Luckily our focus shifts back to the ring...only kidding! Shane grabs a chair and brains his dad with it (he IS good at delivering charishots to be fair), before faking a shot at Green Mile dude who is incredibly angry at ringside. The Rock is now back up and laying into the champ with rights. He hits a DDT followed by a powerslam (delivered so vertically it almost resembles a Tombstone). Triple H kicks out of everything though, and Shane is back in the ring with his chair. Nobody is sure who he's going to hit, but it doesn't seem to matter as the Rock accidentally slingshots Triple H right into him. Rock Bottom to the champ! But the Rock is too tired to make the cover, aghhh. Shane is back up and readies the chair again...oh for gently caress's sake. Vince runs back down, all busted open, and punches his son in the dick. He cuffs Shane around the head and it somehow sends him over the top rope (not sure about the physics on that one) before readying the chair to blast Triple H with it...and he instead smacks the Rock.

Swerve city bitch.

Stephanie is as shocked as anybody as Triple H covers the champ, but Rocky kicks out yet again. Vince is angry and clocks him again, and finally that's enough to end this match. I am exhausted and pissed off.

Elimination #3: The Rock (by Triple H)

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: Triple H 2/5 - This should really have a lower score than it does (for obvious clusterfucky reasons) but I can't overlook the brilliant work put in by the Rock and Triple H. Foley was good too, and although the Big Show wasn't in for very long he also did his job well. These four were denied a potential classic by the lovely booking, however, and the insistence of the McMahons to place themselves at the heart of every major storyline (a topic which has reemerged in the run up to Summerslam). It's a disappointing end to a disappointing WrestleMania in all honesty, despite an excellent performance by the final two guys in the match.

Vince and a shocked Stephanie embrace in the ring while litter showers down around them, WCW style. Shane hobbles into the ring and he and Vince argue slightly about the beating they put on one another. The Rock has no time for such family quarrels and storms back down to the ring in a fit of anger. Rock Bottom to Shane. Rock Bottom to Vince. Stephanie argues STUPIDLY with the Rock and slaps him across the face. You idiot. I think Triple H has wisely gotten out of dodge with his belt, so there's nobody to stop Rock delivering a third Rock Bottom to Stephanie. He prepares the People's Elbow...oh there's Triple H! Rock knocks him off the apron before completing the move, but I'm not really sure if it's a good enough consolation.

The heels win the main event of WrestleMania. There is no Santa.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 01:00

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


WRESTLEMANIA 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
The Dudley Boyz vs Edge and Christian vs The Hardy Boyz - I don't really need to explain why. Didn't have much competition either, with only Angle/Benoit/Jericho pushing it anywhere near close. A thrilling, groundbreaking match.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Jeff Hardy - Brilliant and death-defying.
2. Bubba Ray Dudley - The other centerpiece of the Ladder match. Dished out and received masses of punishment.
3. Kurt Angle - Didn't put a foot wrong in the best technical match on the card. A great heel too.
4. Matt Hardy - Looked great being thrown through things. Performed consistently.
5. Triple H - The main event's one saving grace. Constantly good psychology and storytelling amid the chaos.

A case could also be made for the remaining men in the ladder match (Edge, Christian, and D-Von) as well as Jericho and Benoit. The Rock came good in the main event as well, although I felt Triple H was very slightly better. Eddie stood out in his match too. Everybody else was painfully average to atrocious.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Triple H - 10

2. Mick Foley - 9

3. Jeff Hardy - 8

4. Kurt Angle - 6

5. Bubba Ray Dudley - 4

6. The Rock - 2
Christian - 2
Matt Hardy - 2

7. Rikishi - 1
Kane - 1

WRESTLEMANIA 2000 SCORE: 5/10
An awful card saved by two matches. The tag title match was superb, as everybody knows, while the main event was a huge let down from a booking perspective. The wrestling itself was fine but it dragged on way too long and was filled with McMahon bullshit. Angle, Benoit, and Jericho came good and put on the only other impressive bout. The various tag matches on the card ranged from mediocre (T&A vs Head Cheese) to pretty good (Radicalz vs Too Cool and Chyna), but none of them were really lived up to WrestleMania standard. The Cat Fight was nothing more than lovely filler, while the Hardcore Battle Royal was legitimately one of the worst matches I've ever seen. A letdown overall, disrupted by occasional flashes of brilliance.

Castomira
Feb 24, 2011

Fuck you Eva Marie, if you have to be right there next to all of my posts you don't even get to have red hair. You're a dryad now.


Nowadays I understand that No Way Out was supposed to be a "passing of the torch" match between Foley and HHH, but I'll never stop being unhappy with the booking of the Wrestlemania main event. At this point HHH hadn't lost a PPV match since Survivor Series and Mankind literally hadn't won one clean since Summerslam, and Mick Foley coming out of retirement just to add another slash to the losing streak will never sit well with me.

Plus, if I'm not totally mistaken, this was the first Wrestlemania where the main event was won by a heel, and while I'm sure many will say HHH was a worthy person to end that streak... I'm, well, not one of those people. If anything, it should have been Taker in a heel role, as sort of a "two streaks collide" type deal.

I think the storyline they teased would happen if Mick Foley won the title, with him vacating it upon retirement and a series of tournaments being held to determine the next champion, would have been really compelling television, especially because if I'm not mistaken (I might be, I was a sixth grader at the time,) D-X was almost completely divorced from the main storyline by this point and things started to get a little monotonous until Stone Cold and Undertaker came back from their injuries.

I've been rewatching some 1999 pay-per-views lately, and it made me regret that Davey Boy Smith's WWF title push ended with a loss at No Mercy. I know that at this point he had been pretty messed up from all his WCW injuries and whatever crap he was putting in his body, but after Wrestlemania it would have been cool if he was around to occasionally break up the monotony of the various combinations of The Rock, HHH, Big Show and (sometimes) Kane and Benoit that kept happening until Kurt Angle won the title.

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JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Backlash - April 30th 2000 - Washington, D.C.


PART 1

It's time for everybody's favourite WrestleMania fallout show. It's just dawned on me that this was a really lovely period for the WWF in terms of posters. They've all been pretty unimaginative so far, with this perhaps being the best of a bad bunch (just because of the eye-catching colour scheme).

There's a brief pre-show hype video detailing the rise of the Mcmahon-Helmsley regime (with Vince and Shane fully behind Stephanie and Triple H now), and various beatdowns of The Rock. Vince will be in HHH's corner in their match at the culmination of tonight's PPV, while Rock has a pretty substantial equalizer in the form of the returning Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Debra is out to act as guest ring announcer for the opener, and I'd struggle to think of a worse choice. She has an incredibly grating voice.

1. WWF Tag Team Championship: Edge and Christian (c) vs Degeneration X
Quite an odd heel vs heel tag match here, although I expect E&C to be slight crowd favourites after their show-stealing match at WrestleMania. I didn't mention this in the previous show, but Billy Gunn has been completely replaced by X Pac as Road Dogg's primary partner it seems. Something must have happened between No Way Out and 'Mania; I'm not even sure if he's part of the stable anymore. It seems like a ploy to pair the incredibly unpopular Pac with the incredibly popular Road Dogg in the hope that some overness rubs off. Edge and Christian come out of the crowd, which is always cool.

We immediately get an "X Pac sucks" chant. Road Dogg looks exasperated. Edge and Pac start off with a lightning fast exchange of holds which the challenger wins, and he wastes no time in telling Edge to suck it. The crowd hate this. The pair in the ring do the ol' rope-running leapfrog thing, which Edge puts a stop to with a nice spinning heel kick. X Pac is knocked to the floor (ending up all the way between the two announce tables) and Road Dogg joins him to help recuperate. Pac gets back in the ring, but only to spit at Edge before tagging in his partner. Edge nails a headscissors takedown before tagging in Christian, and they steal the Hardys' Poetry in Motion (with a crossbody splash instead of Jeff's usual kick thing). Christian hits a big powerslam on the returning X Pac and goes up to hit ten punches in the corner, but Road Dogg dashes along the apron to bounce his head HARD off the top rope! Pac follows it up with a massive clothesline, and this match is warming up nicely. Christian is thrown to the outside where Road Dogg whips him into the steps, although he barely moves them, the lightweight. Not a patch on the ring-bump connoisseurs of Foley and Mark Henry. Road Dogg and Christian end up as the legal men, and momentum is with the challengers.

Christian fights his way over to make the tag to Edge, but X Pac runs in to distract the ref just as it occurs. He refuses to allow the tag and the dastardly DX stomp a mudhole in Christian in their corner. Tori even gets in a choke from her position outside the ring (oh by the way, Tori is there. Did I mention Tori was there?). Christian suffers the Bronco Buster before Road Dogg tags in to kick him in the spine a couple of times. Ouch. The champ hits his two signature spots, the dancing punches and the crazy knee drop. It says a lot about Road Dogg that those two moves are way more well known than his finisher, which I THINK is some kind of pumphandle slam. Maybe we'll see it later on! Edge has to come in to break up the pinfall because it looks as though those knees would totally have ended Christian's night. Weaaaak. Road Dogg whips him into the ropes and the pair collide with simultaneous crossbody attempts! The pair struggle to their respective corners but X Pac comes in to drag Christian back. The ref doesn't like this and moves to stop him, allowing Edge to fly from the top with a diving headbutt on Road Dogg! Stepping slightly outside of his moveset there; I like it.

DX regain control and try to double team Christian with a suplex, but he backflips out and hits a double reverse DDT. The tag is FINALLY made and Edge comes in to try and clear house. He hits a few right hands on either man, before catching X Pac's attempted leapfrog and SPIKING him with a sitout powerbomb! The crowd loved that and so did I. Road Dogg breaks up the pin, however, and sets up Edge for that pumphandle slam I talked about. He mimes humping Edge before doing it though. You saucy devil, Mr James. Christian breaks up the move and goes for the Unprettier, but Road Dogg shoves him away into a kick from X Pac. SPEAR TO ROAD DOGG! Edge measures X Pac as well but Tori jumps onto the apron and grabs him by the hair. X Pac charges...and EDGE MOVES, LEAVING PAC TO LEVEL HIS GIRLFRIEND! Edge with the rollup! 1....2....WHAT!? I totally bought that as the finish! Christian goes to the outside and grabs Tori, but Road Dogg saves her with a jumping clothesline from the apron! Meanwhile X Pac hits Edge with his facebuster in the ring, but can't make a cover as the ref is sorting out the commotion on the outside! Christian slips away and grabs the ringbell on his way to the ring. DING! The ref is back in...1...2...Edge tackles Road Dogg to the canvas...3! Huge pop!

Winners and STILL WWF Tag Team Champions: Edge and Christian 3.5/5 - I expected this to be pretty good, but not THIS good! A really hot opener and great performances from all four men (particularly the champs, who were flawless throughout). A really snappy closing sequence too, even if all the rules about legal/illegal men went completely out of the window. Great way to kick off the show!

Lawler points out that there's no bell ringing to signify the end of the match (because Christian clocked X Pac in the head with it) but the champs don't care and grab their titles. OH MAN! X Pac rolls over in the ring to reveal a SICK bladejob! That looks brutal.

The Rock arrives in a limo and is WALKING into the building.

2. WWF Light Heavyweight Championship: Dean Malenko (c) vs Scotty 2 Hotty
Scotty dances onto the scene (as JR explains that Sexay is currently injured) and even has a little boogie with Lilian Garcia as he enters the ring. Malenko strides along looking serious, as always. Sadly my new favourite Radical and yours, Perry Saturn, isn't with him. Nor are any of the stable actually, this is straight one-on-one. We see a clip of Malenko beating Scotty on the last episode of Smackdown, using the ropes for leverage. You bastard Dean. The two start off at breakneck speed, Scotty whipping Malenko around and knocking him down with slams and clotheslines. Oh man, X Pac's blood is all over the canvas. Dean looks for an immediate piledriver (brutal) but Scotty slips out the back and transitions smoothly into an armdrag. They exchange holds again and Scotty is able to hit a BIG back suplex. He kips up like a very poor man's Shawn Michaels and moonwalks across the ring, but Malenko spoils all the fun with everybody's least favourite strike, a clubbing blow. Scotty tries something in the corner but Malenko blocks it, so the Too Cool man just DROPS him with a sick right hand! Haha, when did Scotty get so badass? gently caress him up dude! Malenko doesn't seem happy and retaliates with a hard lariat. These two could legitimately have a puro-style match and it would be great. The two go to the outside and whip each other into the apron, but back in the ring is where it starts to really heat up again, Scotty going nuts with a few wild right hands in the corner. Dean fights back with a sharp dropkick to the knee.

Malenko begins to work the leg and ankle of Scotty, first applying an ankle lock (with his opponent lying on his back; never seen that variation before) and then dropping a few elbows on his knee. He applies another ankle lock but Scotty makes it to his feet...but Malenko ducks to enziguri and hits another elbow to the knee. They've slowed it down now and the crowd are getting restless for Scotty's comeback. He clamps on a leglock and sneakily uses the ropes for leverage, but the ref breaks that up after realising. Scotty tries to get shakily back to his feet, and Dean just brutally kicks his leg out from underneath him. That was cold. He grabs the leg again, but THIS TIME Scotty hits the enziguri. Malenko regains control again, though, propping Scotty in the corner and kicking away at his leg. I know it's Malenko's style and he's great at it, but I think he's really slowed it down too much in this match. Scotty gets a two count with a schoolboy rollup, but again the Radical slows it down after regaining control. Luckily JR and Lawler have this wonderful exchange to keep me alert as Ross mentions the nations tuning in around the world.

"Fans around the world in England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Liechtenstein..."
"Ooh! That's one of my favourite countries."
"Liechtenstein? How about Luxembourg?"
"Meh. I like Liechtenstein."

See! Lawler CAN be genuinely funny when he's not drooling over women or talking about how fat Rikishi is or whatever. Malenko continues to work the knee but Scotty begins to fight back, forcing the champ to charge Scotty through the middle ropes and take them both to the outside. Scotty smashes Malenko's head into the ring apron and rolls him back inside before heading to the top, but he can't climb fast enough with his bad leg and the champ is there to meet him with rights. He heads up top and hits a nice superplex. Both are slow back to their feet, but Malenko eventually swings a right hand...backslide! 1...2...kick out. Malenko jumps to his feet and tries to apply the Texas Cloverleaf...inside cradle by Scotty! Again a near fall! Back suplex from Malenko but Scotty hit him with rights all the way to the canvas. They both get back up and Malenko lifts Scotty...but again he squirms away and runs the ropes. BULLDOG! The crowd comes alive as Scotty sets up for the Worm (although he's facing away from the hard camera. That's a pay cut). He manages to complete the theatrics even with the bad leg (hmm) and hits the fist drop, but Malenko fights back and hits a schoolboy. Feet on the ropes...oh the ref sees it! They exchange some more holds and Dean manages to drill Scotty with a double-underhook powerbomb! Nice. It only gets two and Malenko hits a powerslam before heading to the top. Scotty follows him over and slugs him with a couple of right hands before heading up top as well. He goes for the superplex...and Malenko counters into a jumping DDT! Wow that was sick! It gets the three count.

Winner and STILL WWF Light Heavyweight Champion: Dean Malenko 2.5/5 - As the slow parts of the match dragged on I was going to downgrade this to a 2 but that finish saved it. A great spot to go with several earlier in the match. The only downside is that I felt it dragged on quite a lot, especially as all the working over of Scotty's leg led to nothing. Malenko was on good form here, as always, but I was particularly impressed by Scotty who stepped it up for a rare singles match.

Both those openers went for a decent amount of time, so now I'm quite wary of a short burst of Wrestlecrap incoming. Let's see what happens.

Vince, Steph and Triple H are backstage in that dressing room which is burned into my childhood memories (those leather black sofas man, so heelish) along with Patterson and Brisco. Vince warns the two stooges that it's "all hands on deck" later tonight, presumably meaning Triple H's title match. Shane also comes along with a referees shirt for himself. Oh God, I hope he's not reffing the title match. I much prefer him as the douchey heel manager with surprisingly amazing chairshots.

3. Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan vs The Acolytes
Oh man. This is going to be a plodder, isn't it. JR even warns us that this "won't be a classic wrestling contest", although I think he means because it'll be a hellacious brawl instead. I'm not sold. The four immediately get to brawlin' as the crowd break into an "APA" chant. I didn't realise they were so over. Bradshaw hits a DDT on Buchanan (right onto the main X Pac bloodstain, although there are a few. I can't get over how brutal that bladejob was. It actually makes Christian seem a killer). Bradshaw climbs the turnbuckle and pretty much just jumps off into Buchanan, hitting him with roughly the shoulder area I guess. HOLY poo poo WHAT!? Bull goes for what I think is a sunset flip, but instead just frontflips entirely over Bradshaw onto his feet. I'd worked out by this point that he was athletic, but I didn't realise he had THOSE type of hops. Faarooq comes in now and whips Buchanan to the corner where he jumps, kicks off the top turnbuckle with one foot, and hits a clothesline on the way back. The dude is ballin' and getting almost no crowd response regardless. He tags out to Boss Man who eats a suplex and a shoulder block from Faarooq before getting shoved out of the ring. I think when these four men were created, the lead was taken entirely out of Buchanan's rear end and distributed equally among the other three.

Faarooq gets whipped chest-first into the corner and bounces back, and for a second I think he's about to do the Flair flop (that would be bizarre), but Boss Man just knocks him down anyway. Buchanan is back in - YAY - and powerslams the Acolyte. No Bull, don't get drawn into their hossy nonsense. You were born to fly! Sadly he doesn't listen, and he and Faarooq brawl for a while. Ugh, Faarooq hits his really ugly spinebuster and I feel immediately sick. It all breaks down in very slow fashion and Boss Man ends up brawling on the outside with Faarooq while Buchanan and Bradshaw are the new legal men. Bradshaw heads up top but Boss Man holds him in place from the outside, allowing Bull to head up top and soar (as he was meant to do, Vince, just let him fly) with a lovely superplex. I think Bradshaw got a nosebleed being so unused to such altitude. Faarooq and Boss Man continue to swing their arms at one another on the outside while Buchanan is whipped into the corner. He stumbles back out...uh oh...BAM! Clothesline From Hell connects but Boss Man is in to save his partner from the pinfall. He breaks out the nightstick once out of the ring again and clocks Faarooq with it. He hops up on the apron and Bradshaw STUPIDLY charges over to him. He gets socked and conveniently staggers into the perfect position for Buchanan to CRUSH him with an axe kick from the top rope! Goodnight.

Winners: Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan 0.5/5 - Even Buchanan's endless grace isn't enough to save this from being a stinker.

JGKing fucked around with this message at Apr 10, 2014 around 01:00

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