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JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!


Oh, you're back.
Yes indeed I am! Some of you may have followed my TNA PPV review thread, a project which I've sadly put on hiatus (due to not being able to find footage of the shows I WANT TO loving REVIEW, GODDAMMIT). Despite blowing a mental gasket at least twice per event, it was something I did enjoy doing. It widened my knowledge of the art, introduced me to some fantastic performers I was unaware of, and (through forcing me to wade through mountains of poo poo) gave me a keener appreciation of good wrestling.

So what's next?
WWF Pay Per Views of the 21st century. Although I did enjoy my foray into the unknown, now I'm after something a little more familiar. I've been an on-off fan of the WWF/E since the age of seven. I've managed to pinpoint the start of my fandom somewhere around King of the Ring 2000, although I was never able to watch PPVs (due to a lack of Sky TV, the only source of such entertainment in the UK). Now I think it's time to reward my past self for 13 years of patient waiting: it's time to watch some WWF!

Where are you starting from?
I considered a few different shows. King of the Ring 1996, arguably the start of the Attitude Era, was one. I felt it was too far back however, and I'd rather start with a more familiar roster of workers. I also thought about King of the Ring 2000, which I mentioned is probably the closest PPV to the beginning of my time as a fan, as well as Wrestlemania 2000. Ultimately, though, I'm going to go with the first PPV of the 21st century: Royal Rumble 2000!

gently caress YEAH, ROYAL RUMBLE!
Exactly. Who doesn't love a good Rumble. I'll also be keeping the same "Wrestler of the Night" and "Wrestler of the Year" standings as I did in the TNA thread. I'll try to keep nostalgic bias out of this as much as possible, although hopefully my personal definition of "good wrestling" is a tad more sophisticated than it was when I was a wee boy. If seven year old Jack had his way, the charts would probably be dominated by Kane, the Dudleys, and Steve Blackman (seriously, he was badass).

Let's orientate ourselves for a moment before we begin. Here's a list of the WWF Champions immediately prior to the 2000 Royal Rumble.

quote:

WWF Champion: Triple H
Intercontinental Champion: Vacant*
Tag Team Champions: The New Age Outlaws
European Champion: Val Venis
Hardcore Champion: Test
Light Heavyweight Champion: Gillberg
Women's Champion: Stephanie McMahon

*A convoluted match ending had resulted in reigning champion Chris Jericho and challenger Chyna being recognised as co-champions. However, Wikipedia informs me that the WWE officially regards this joint-reign as a vacancy.


Additionally, we find ourselves in the aftermath of the shocking hit & run assault on Austin, at the hands of a mystery driver. When will he return? Who is the culprit (shhh, I know you all know who it is)? Truly, it is a great mystery.

Another conspicuous absence from the roster is The Undertaker, taking time off for torn groin and pectoral muscles unceremoniously fired by Vince McMahon for refusing to take part in a casket match against Triple H. I doubt we'll ever see him again.

So, without further ado, let's delve deep into the midst of the Attitude Era. Prepare for good wrestling, ATROCIOUS wrestling, blood, gimmick matches, and god knows what else.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 23:42 on Apr 2, 2014

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JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
SHOWS REVIEWED

2000
Royal Rumble
No Way Out
WrestleMania 2000
Backlash
Insurrextion
Judgement Day
King of the Ring
Fully Loaded
SummerSlam
Unforgiven
No Mercy
Survivor Series
Rebellion
Armageddon

2001
Royal Rumble
No Way Out
WrestleMania X-Seven
Backlash
Insurrextion
Judgement Day
King of the Ring

End Of Year Awards - 2000
WWF Wrestler of the Year - 2000

JGKing fucked around with this message at 17:04 on Nov 17, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000 - New York, New York


PART 1

My, this is exciting. A hellacious tonne of pyro kicks off the first PPV of the new Millennium, and I'm incredibly refreshed to hear the voice of none other than JR welcoming us to Madison Square Garden! He and King hype the Royal Rumble match (although there's no way anybody could be anymore hyped for that :neckbeard:) as well as the World Title match: a streetfight between Triple H and Cactus Jack! Even without Austin and 'Taker this looks to be a pretty stacked card, as the very familiar theme of Kurt Angle blares around the arena! He makes his way to the ring to face a mystery opponent, and it's pretty weird to hear his music without the accompanying "YOU SUCK!" chants.

JR mentions that Angle is undefeated in the WWF (crazy!) as he enters the ring. He does the standard old-school heel shtick, blasting the Knicks and Patrick Ewing (was he even still playing at this point!?), but dammit he does it so well. It's pretty clear even before seeing any in-ring action that Angle has the charisma of a future star. He mentions his mystery opponent and the crowd immediately breaks out into a "we want ____" chant which I can't quite make out. Okay, I totally can, but for the purposes of this thread I'll pretend I can't. Angle mockingly tells his opponent to take a deep breath, give it his all, and remember the "three Is" (intensity, integrity, and intelligence. I had to Google that; I could only remember two. Dammit intensity!) He gets rid of the mic and...TAZZ'S MUSIC HITS! DEBUT TIME! :stare:

1. Kurt Angle vs Tazz
Tazz comes down with that ludicrous rag over his head. Angle offers him a handshake...AND IS MET WITH RIGHT HANDS! As we are in the Attitude Era, I'm tempted to do a tally of faces acting heelishly. That definitely counts as one point, which will be hereafter signified by the following emote: :devil:. The pair brawl outside, and Angle reverses a vertical suplex into one of his own. The set looks awesome by the way, the entrance ramp painted to resemble a road. The walls are sprayed with graffiti to compliment the theme. Back in the ring now, and Angle hits a picture perfect belly-to-belly. He heads up top "uncharacteristically" according to JR (clearly Jim has yet to see that beautiful moonsault), and Tazz hops up after him to deliver a belly-to-belly of his own. It's weird to see Tazz in shape, as these days he's obviously fat as gently caress. I can actually see where his legs begin in this match.

Angle regains control with a small package for 2, before hitting a bridging German for another near fall. Tazz now hits a belly-to-back (after some clear struggling from Angle; good stuff). He nails Kurt with a couple more suplexes before locking in the Tazzmission, although Jr and King obviously aren't yet sure what to refer to it as. Oh wait a second, Angle is OUT! Jesus that was fast.

Winner: Tazz 1.5/5 - Fine for what it was: a suplex-dominated squash match. I'm not really sure about the booking here. I get that they want to warm up the crowd with an opening hometown victory, but is it wise to have Angle lose his undefeated streak in such a quick and simple fashion?

Tazz leaves with minimal fuss while EMTs rush out to load Angle onto a stretcher. Jesus, he got squashed HARD. JR even puts on a serious voice as if he's legitimately passed out. He and King then debate whether the Tazzmission is a legal sleeper or illegal chokehold, but the victory is awarded to Tazz either way.

The Hardys and Terri Runnels are backstage with a VERY fresh-faced Michael Cole. They have an upcoming tables match against the Dudleys. Terri is a really poor fit as manager of these guys, although I may just be saying that with the benefit of Lita-hindsight. Jeff does some ACTING and tells Terri that there's no way she'll be accompanying them tonight in such a violent environment.

2. Tag Team Tables Match: The Dudley Boyz vs The Hardy Boyz
The Dudleys cut a generic "your sports team sucks" promo before jumping the Hardy Boyz as they make their entrance. The bigger pair immediately GET THE TABLES~! and set one up in the middle of the ring. Jeff is almost backdropped through one immediately, but Matt is able to kick it out of the way. Bubba slides to the outside only to be immediately nailed by a flying Jeff Hardy, who then goes to town on him with a chair found at ringside. JR has already mixed the two high-fliers up. Good job, Jim! Devon and Matt tease sending one another through the table in the ring, but it's a sloppy and unconvincing exchange. Jeff half-stands a table at the foot of the entrance ramp and sits Bubba on it, before running along the guardrail and attempting to flatten the Dudley. Bubba is up in time, however, and throws the table in Hardy's face as he flies. (Surely a simple roll to the side would have left Jeff to crash through the table itself, huh Bubba? :eng99:) Jeff and Matt double team Bubba in the ring, setting him up for a double-superplex through a table, but Devon is in with plenty of time to spare and moves the object away. There is very little fluidity to this match; they're just trundling from one spot to the next it seems.

The Hardys now bring a ladder into the ring and use it to gain the upper hand. I'm tempted to award a face-acting-heelishly point for this (and the earlier use of the chair), but it's more a tactic against the spirit of the table match rather than flagrant rule-breaking. It is no-DQ after all. Further chairshots to Bubba's cranium, and Matt lies him across a table on the outside. He scales a nearby ladder while Jeff climbs a turnbuckle...and the pair (almost) simultaneously crash into the Dudley's prone body! Bubba's eliminated, and the Hardy's are surprisingly quick to their feet. They begin to dominate Devon with steel chairs, and it dawns on me that I'm literally watching two skinny white kids beat the gently caress out of a couple of far larger, scarier men with little response. A nice, cartoonish sequence follows as Matt lays Devon across a table on the outside. He tries to drop a leg from the top rope to the outside, but Devon manages to scramble out of the way. Matt crashes and burns, but Devon is forced to take evasive action straight away as he's sitting on another table, and only narrowly manages to avoid Jeff Hardy coming from loving NOWHERE (I'm guessing from inside the ring, but he flew onto the scene from off-camera and it looked mightily impressive).

Bubba's recovered by now, and he and Devon set up a pair of ring steps with a table bridging the gap between. Devon sets Jeff on Bubba's shoulders and he powerbombs the Hardy into oblivion from the middle rope! That made a satisfyingly loud noise. JR tells us that "Matt Hardy just got folded up like an accordion", which would be a wonderful simile if he would JUST GET THE DUDE'S loving NAME RIGHT! :argh: The Dudleys continue to beat down Matt and take him through the crowd slightly to a side-exit kinda deal. They create a two-tier table setup and lay him across the top, but Jeff comes along to save the day with a chair! Or at least half save the day. He takes down Devon, but Bubba snatches the chair off him like the grown-rear end man he is, and lays him out as if swatting an irritating fly. The Dudley grabs Jeff by the hair and the pair scale a short flight up steps until they're above the tables below. Bubba then...leaves Jeff alone and prepares to dive onto Matt!? Why even bring Jeff up if you're just going to leave him alone once you're up there!? I know I shouldn't have expected a psychology masterclass from a Dudleys/Hardys tables match, but c'mon. Jeff low blows the FOOLISH Bubba and shoves him off through the tables (Matt rolling handily out of the way), before SWANTONing off to send Devon through one remaining table and win the match!

Winners: The Hardy Boyz 2.5/5 - Entertaining fluff. The big table spots were cool, but everything else about the match was pretty lethargic and sloppy. Table spots carried it though.

We get quite a nice brotherly touch, as Matt triumphantly fireman-carries Jeff to the ring to celebrate. JR even managed to get Jeff's name right as he dove off ("DON'T DO IT JEFF!") despite calling him Matt from the opening bell.

A bunch of legends including Slaughter, Moolah, and Freddie Blassie come out to...(goddammit)...come out to judge the Miss Rumble 2000 Swimsuit Contest. King is the host, and isn't he just in his loving element? A bunch of divas come out and strip down to their bikinis, while we get a few shots of the judges earnestly jotting down some notes. I'd have probably gone crazy for this in my early teens, which seems to be the mental age Lawler is permanently stuck in. I'll concede that I've always been quite a fan of The Kat. And not the dancing jobber from WCW. Finally Mae Young comes down and just straight up gets her tits out (although they're thankfully blurred out on the video I'm watching; I genuinely feel for all those in attendance), until Mark Henry rushes in and covers her with a towel. He was her lover at this point, remember? Although I'm not sure if this was before or after the birth of their baby hand (seriously Vince, what the gently caress!?). Mae is announced the unanimous winner of the contest and I'm losing the will to live.

3. WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Chris Jericho vs Chyna vs Hardcore Holly
Here we have our first title match of the evening (of the century!), and it'll hopefully resolve the messy situation discussed in the OP. Chyna and Jericho are both champions. Or neither of them are. Or something. Why is Holly involved? :shrug:

Jericho cuts a promo on his way to the ring ("WELCOME TO MADISON...SQUARE...JERICHO!") and the fans are hot for him, despite his status as a bratty heel. Holly kicks off the match by immediately shoving Chyna in the face, while JR describes him as "something of a chauvinist at heart". Fantastic. Jericho gets a hard slap in the chop for his troubles, and I feel the need to remind Bob that Jericho's been around quite a while by this point. Just because he's still in his debut year in the WWF doesn't mean he's green enough to murder. Y2J cracks him back, before Chyna tops them both with slaps of her own. Holly tosses her out of the ring and he and Jericho go at it. I'll point out that although Chyna is undoubtedly jacked here, she does at least have a womanly shape about her. This is slightly after her time as DX's bodyguard, during which she was pretty loving huge.

Y2J and Holly run through a basic exchange (whip, leapfrog, you know the drill) before entering into a chop-battle which Bob obviously wins. He rather unwisely goes for headscissors, though, allowing Jericho to catch him mid-fall and clamp on the Walls! The crowd pops, but Chyna is quick to break up the submission with a clothesline to the back of the head. This gets a few boos, which JR and Lawler actually address and attribute to the large number of Y2J fans in the building. This is something glaringly missing from today's product; how many times have you seen a smarky crowd tear into Sheamus only for the commentary team to furiously ignore them? Chyna and Holly wind up brawling on the outside, allowing Jericho the time to leap onto a turnbuckle and drop Bob with a big crossbody! That was crisply done. Chyna drags Y2J back into the ring and I can't help but notice that she's operating at a slightly slower pace than the two guys. She's nowhere near the plodding level of your average non-Stratus/non-Lita diva, but it's kind of noticeable next to Jericho especially.

Chyna beats Jericho into the corner and hits her stupid handspring-elbow thing, a move I have very little time for. It really has very little point when a simple back-elbow would suffice. Then again, I do love the Worm. And the People's Elbow, for that matter. Anyway, subconscious sexism aside, Chyna plants Jericho with a DDT for a near fall. All three end up back on the outside, and Holly grabs a chair to measure Chyna with. Stay classy, Bob. Jericho shows perhaps a shade of chivalry and momentarily distracts Holly, allowing Chyna to dropkick the chair back into his face. The pair roll Holly back in and hit tandem (actually badly out of sync) splashes from the top. Both cover for a 2 count, before getting into a shoving match in the center of the ring. Chyna low blows Jericho while the ref checks on Holly :devil:, before sending her "co-champ" out of the ring and hitting a very weak Pedigree on Bob. 1...2...BOB KICKS OUT! That was a VERY near fall, so much so that I thought Chyna was getting the belt.

Everybody fights to establish control. Jericho hits a very nice crossbody on Holly, but Bob regains control shortly afterwords with a no-frills kick to the head. Whatever works. Chyna heads out of the ring and grabs a chair, drilling Holly when the ref's back is turned :devil:! What the gently caress, Chyna!? Holly's lights are pretty much out, allowing the Ninth Wonder to grab his legs and apply the Walls of Jericho. Y2J is all like "gently caress that!" and hits her with a lightning fast bulldog. The Lionsault follows...and that's the three count! BIG pop for Jericho on winning the title.

Winner and UNDISPUTED Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho 1/5 - A pretty boring, sloppy match here. Jericho was clearly the most talented in there by a country mile, but Chyna prevented the match from really getting out of second gear. Holly wasn't on top form here either, resulting in a quite forgettable contest.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:55 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000


PART 2

"................FINALLY...The Rock HAS COME BACK...to New York City."

Yes, we begin part to with a backstage Rock interview, and he's just electric. Michael Cole asks him how he thinks he'll fare in the Royal Rumble match later this evening. Rocky replies that he sees two potential dangers in the match: Crash Holly and Headbanger Mosh. If he gets past those two, he thinks he MIGHT have a shot at winning the match. Amazing.

Cole asks if The Rock shouldn't be more concerned about the Big Show, leading the Brahma Bull to go on one of his tirades about how he's The Great One etc etc. I realise here that the actual content of The Rock's promos is pretty much trash. He doesn't really say anything unique or interesting. What makes him so captivating on the mic is the way he says it; the man has an unbelievably attention-grabbing cadence. The Rock finishes up by expressing his wish that he and Big Show are the last two in the Rumble so that he can prove he is the better athlete on his way to winning the Rumble. IF YA SMELLLLLL...(lalalalow) what the ROCK...IS...COOKIN'. *eyebrow*

It's been a while since I've seen a Rock promo. It's a bit like listening to an old favourite song you know inside out.

The next match (introduced by a short hype video which makes me yearn for the days when the tag team division was interesting) is between the New Age Outlaws and the Acolytes. The challengers have two different words for the DX-affiliated champs: "rear end-KICKING". Uh oh.

4. WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The New Age Outlaws (c) vs The Acolytes
The crowd are MOLTEN for the heels' entrance. Road Dogg does his usual thing, but Gunn can barely instruct everybody to suck it before Faarooq and Bradshaw are in their faces. The challengers immediately beat down the Outlaws around the outside of the ring. Billy tries to regain control inside, but Bradshaw catches his crossbody attempt and big boots Road Dogg while holding his partner aloft! He hits the big fallaway slam on Gunn and the champs are immediately in trouble. Faarooq mocks Road Dogg's crazy knees dance before hooking him up for the Dominator, but Billy scoots in from the apron to drag his partner to safety. Road Dogg does that punchy-dancey spot of his, before hitting the ropes to drop the knees...only for Bradshaw to yank him down by the hair. Booooo. :devil: That's an accumulated point for jumping the heels at the bell and being just a little too dastardly in the ring. It all breaks down now as all four men enter the ring, and Bradshaw TURNS BILLY GUNN INSIDE OUT with that Clothesline from Hell! That was brutal. Billy's not a small man but he got serious hangtime. Ouch.

Faarooq hits his ugly spinebuster on Road Dogg (seriously, I had to pause for a second and watch Arn Anderson's on 'Taker to cleanse myself), but Gunn is able to drag the referee out of the ring before he can count to three. Bradshaw is pissed off and shoves Gunn into the crowd barrier, inadvertently stunning the ref as well. Uh oh. An Attitude Era ref bump. That can only mean one thing. Back in the ring the Acolytes hit a double-powerbomb on Road Dogg but there's nobody to count the fall. And HERE'S the run in. It's X-Pac, and he wastes no time in hitting a spinning-heel kick on Bradshaw. Faarooq puts a stop to that with another UGLY spinebuster on Pac, but Billy is able to use the distraction to hit the Fame-Asser on Bradshaw! The ref's back in and..wait GUNN WASN'T THE LEGAL MAN! Ughhh, nevermind. 1, 2, 3.

Winners and STILL WWF Tag Team Champions: The New Age Outlaws 1/5 - A short, pretty slow-paced match (as you'd imagine, given the participants involved). Nothing too offensive here though. A solid, if unspectacular matchup. Just like most of the show so far, really.

Hype video now for the upcoming WWF Championship match. We see Triple H winning the title from Big Show (on an episode of RAW, no less) only for Mankind to stand up to the "McMahon-Helmsley" alliance and get beaten down by all of DX. Steph and Hunter then fire Mick, only for The Rock to lead a mass locker-room protest in Foley's honour. Triple H caves and reinstates Foley, and the pair are booked in a street fight at the Rumble. On the final RAW before the PPV, the Game delivers a massive beating to Mick, clocking him with the ring bell and Pedigreeing him through the announce table. This leads to Smackdown, and Foley's famous "Cactus Jack is back!" promo (which Triple H sells beautifully, by the way) and we end with a montage of the challenger doing utterly unholy things to his body over the years. Heartwarming.

5. WWF Championship Street Fight Match: Triple H (c) vs Cactus Jack
Foley gets a big reception as the underdog, babyface, and hometown boy. Triple H is out to "My Time", a theme I always had quite a soft spot for. Foley talks trash for a while at the bell, before snapping and rocking the champ with a few big rights. They brawl around the ring for a while, before the Game slides to the outside to regroup. Foley's straight after him though, and plants him with a neckbreaker on the mats. He slams Triple H's head into various ring steps, announce tables, and so on, until the champ craftily grabs the ring bell and DROPS Mick with it. The champ grabs a chair and heads into the ring, inviting Mick in with him unarmed. True to form, Foley is straight in there. Idiot. He rushes the Game and gets utterly demolished by the chair, while JR brings up his infamous "I Quit" match with the Rock at Royal Rumble '99. It's a spot which really highlights the character of either man: Triple H utilitarian and wiley, Foley bold and fearless.

On the outside now, Mick manages to backdrop a charging Triple H into the crowd. They brawl through a section of MSG before arriving at the entrance. Foley sets up what looks like a few shittily glued planks of wood (and pretty much is), and suplexes the Game right onto them. Ouch. That looked uncomfortable. Mick keeps up the punishment, howling in Triple H's face before decking him with a trash can. They finally brawl their way back to ringside and Foley rolls Triple H into the ring...before snatching a barbed-wire wrapped 2x4 from underneath the apron! It's been a while since I've seen anything like that in the PG WWE. It's safe to say that Foley isn't thinking about "Being a Star" as he measures the Game...but Triple H hits a low blow and takes the 2x4 for himself! He beats Foley around for a while, the barbed wire actually ripping parts of his shirt, before Mick regains control with a 2x4 assisted low blow. The following Double Arm DDT puts both men on the canvas for a while.

The ref hastily removes the weapon from the ring and we get a lovely shot of one of the Spanish announcers tentatively placing it beneath his table, while JR and King urge him to do so. Foley wakes up and searches for the 2x4 but he doesn't know where it is. He threatens Earl Hebner who relents and points to the Spanish announce table. Mick goes over and PUNCHES THE INNOCENT COMMENTATOR :devil: before his broadcast partner quickly retrieves the weapon for him. You bully, Mick! Back in the ring Foley hits the Game directly in the face with the barbed wire, before elbow-dropping it right onto the prone champ! Triple H is well and truly busted open now, but still manages to kick out just before 3. One thing I do like about Triple H's character (and that of most main event heels in the Attitude Era, really) is that he may be a dastardly cheat, but he's still but over as a tough S.O.B when his underhanded tactics fail. You don't really see that as much these days, with superstars often losing or gaining huge amounts of resiliency and heart with each one of their turns.

Ughhhhh nasty spot now as Mick rakes the barbed wire across Triple H's forehead. They head to the announce table now, and Mick looks to piledrive the Game through! No! It's reversed into a backdrop, and the table sort of half-breaks. Man, Triple H looks like a mess. One of his legs has been cut open hardway. They brawl around some more, but the 2x4 shots have sort of lost their shock value now. Luckily the champ senses it's time to switch things up, and grabs a black bag from Finkel at ringside. Inside are a pair of handcuffs. "What's he going to do with those?" muses Lawler. Really Jerry? In a nice callback to the "I Quit" match, Triple H locks Mick's hands together behind his back and lays into him with rights. He brings a set of steel steps into the ring BUT MICK HITS A NICE DROP-TOE HOLD INTO THEM! He proceeds to bite the champ while Earl desperately tries to drag him off, and the intensity of this match is ramping up even more. Triple H regains control and hammers a steel chair over Mick's spine so hard that a piece actually flies off!

In a strikingly familiar image, Triple H chases Foley up the entrance ramp with steel chair in hand, occasionally smashing him with a big shot. Mick kneels before the champ and yells at him for more, and the Game is about to oblige when...The Rock flies out of the entrance and nails Triple H with a chair of his own! :toot: In a slightly bizarre moment, a police officer also comes down and unlocks the handcuffs for Mick. Imagine if the same happened for Cena; we'd all be up in arms. In fairness, Cena would probably overcome the odds with the cuffs on, and hoist the title in his mouth to close the show. OH MAN! Mick drags Triple H over to the Spanish announce table and hits a (pretty sloppy) piledriver, and the table doesn't budge an inch. Yeesh. Foley heads under the ring and...uh oh...brings out a very familiar looking bag. He gets into the ring and pours hundreds of thumbtacks over an area of the canvas. I'd love if they just left them there during the upcoming Rumble, and the 30 men had to fearfully wrestle around them.

Stephanie comes down to plead with Foley but he pays no attention and rushes at The Game (no heel points for Mick here. It's a loving Street Fight against Cactus Jack Steph, what did you expect?). Triple H is alert though, and BACKDROPS MICK INTO THE TACKS! He follows it up with a Pedigree and the pinfall is surely academic. 1...2...NO! MSG pops huge as Foley gets a shoulder up! No more bullshit, decides the champ, and he drags Mick back to his feet and hits a SECOND PEDIGREE FACE-FIRST INTO THE THUMBTACKS! Jesus. The camera catches quite a few tacks sticking out of Foley's forehead as Hebner counts the inevitable three.

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: Triple H 4.5/5 - In terms of sheer match quality this wasn't very good, to be honest. But so many other factors make it a great contest; the intensity, the atmosphere, the psychology of both men, and the numerous horrible bumps taken by both. A worthy title match, the first contest to really ignite the PPV, and we've still got the Rumble to look forward to!

EDIT: Wait, Foley's not done! While Triple H is being stretchered out (yeah, let's stretcher out the guy who didn't get his face driven into thumbtacks) Mick chases him down the ramp and continues to beat on him! Displaying Austin levels of sadism, he wheels the Game back to the ring and drives him into the apron! :devil: Triple H is rolled back into the ring and drilled with one last 2x4 shot to the head, and the truck monkeys obligingly play the Cactus Jack theme for Foley as he parades around the ring triumphantly. What a monster.

Before we take a break I'd like to ask assistance for a particular ruling. Are we giving The Rock a :devil: point for interfering in the match? Interference is naturally a heelish action, but this was a Street Fight under which interference is surely legal. Is The Rock within his rights to intervene on behalf of his friend? It was a sneak attack out of nowhere, but then again, Mick was handcuffed and on his knees at the time. I can't call this one guys. Help me out!

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:55 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

sunsweet posted:

Are you rating these matches by modern standards, or by the standards of pro wrestling in 2000? What constitutes a 5/5 match, to you?

I'm rating them on an entirely personal system. I've heard quite a few people rave about the Triple H/Cactus Jack street fight, for example, but only gave it 3/5 because it seemed to me a very well booked match executed in a slightly sluggish fashion. A lot of the big spots were indeed big, but it was far from a crisp or constantly captivating match. There were definite periods of downtime. I'll admit that I'm probably desensitized to spots such as those involving thumbtacks, having seen Foley (and others) use these time and time again since 2000. I've definitely seen better street fights than this, though.

A 5/5 match to me would have to be one with outstanding in-ring action and psychology, but also at least some sense of occasion. The Foley/HHH match would probably have also scored higher had I been more fully aware of their feud building up to it. All I had to go on, however, was a hype video and my own light knowledge of the period.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000


PART 3

Here we go, here we go, here we gooooo! I'm excited. Is there anything better in wrestling than a Royal Rumble match? I doubt it. Let's go!

5. 30 Man Royal Rumble Match
"YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE REAL DEAL NOW!" Entrant number one is the formidable D'Lo Brown, and he'll be facing off against Grandmaster Sexay of Too Cool (aka Jerry Lawler's son). Lawler does well to convey his disappointment at Grandmaster's early entry. The two brawl for a while and Sexay just loves to dance in between moves doesn't he. D'Lo goes for the running powerbomb but it's reversed into a hurricanrana. Grandmaster is occasionally cackling like a witch when he gets the upper hand. I don't like it. Number three is set to enter now and it's Headbanger Mosh, according to JR. That looks more like Thrasher to me; isn't Mosh the short one? Let's not forget that JR got the Hardys mixed up a hell of lot in their match. Hmm. Wikipedia informs me that it's Mosh, so I guess we'll go with that. I'm very dubious though. Either way, he's wearing a gigantic furry cone bra for some reason. Suddenly Kaientai decide to join in, despite not being official Rumble entrants. They are immediately dumped out and the referees usher them to the back. Lol, aren't foreigners stupid?

Entrant number four is Christian and there's some URGENT BREAKING NEWS. MOSH'S BRA HAS FALLEN OFF! How will he ever continue in this match? Not very well it turns out, as D'Lo beats him down in one corner while Christian deals with Grandmaster Sexay. If I didn't know anything about the future of four and had to guess who would go on to be a world champion, I'd honestly probably guess Mosh. He looks the most unique in there, and is a surprisingly big guy. They all slowly brawl around a little bit until entrant number five comes in, and it's Rikishi! He immediately shits all over my future world champion theory by tossing Mosh with ease.

Elimination #1: Headbanger Mosh (by Rikishi)

To make amends, he crushes the actual future world champion with a belly-to-belly and throws him out of the Rumble too.

Elimination #2: Christian (by Rikishi)

D'Lo finally puts a stop to the Samoan's roll and takes him down with a neckbreaker, before turning to Grandmaster and taunting him. Rikishi no-sells and slowly stands up behind him, before scooping him up and spiking him with the Rikishi Driver (I think that's what it's called, anyway). He's gone, leaving the two stablemates alone in the ring together.

Elimination #3: D'Lo Brown (by Rikishi)

Sexay tries to buddy up to his partner, but it doesn't look like Rikishi wants to be friends right now. Luckily it's time for a new entrant, and it just SO HAPPENS TO BE Scotty 2 Hotty, who probably gets the biggest pop of the match so far. He scampers down to the ring and tries to also convince Rikishi to join forces. They produce some yellow sunglasses and pop them on his massive head, and there's obviously a Too Cool fan in the production truck as the lights dim and their music plays. They dance around to the delight of the crowd, but Rikishi suddenly has enough and drops his partners with a double clothesline! The stagger to their feet and Rikishi takes both out of the Rumble with a single charge. Booooo!

Eliminations #4 and #5: Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty 2 Hotty (by Rikishi)

Rikishi now has five eliminations and is on a roll. The music comes back on and he dances solo for a while until it's time for entrant number seven....and I am marking the gently caress out, because it's only MY BOY Steve Blackman! GO STEVE! Blackman charges and takes Rikishi down with a few kicks n' stuff. The crowd start up a "Blackman sucks!" chant. What the gently caress!? Did he have X-Pac heat? I always loved him as a kid. Rikishi obviously doesn't, and is quick to nail him with another big Rikishi Driver. Aw he's gone :( to a big pop as well. This crowd doesn't know a true superstar when they see one.

Elimination #6: Steve Blackman (by Rikishi)

Oh man, the next entrant is Viscera. Prepare for a classic encounter. He looks to be wearing some kind of bin bag (or garbage bag if you're American, I think). He lifts the Samoan like he's nothing and slams him down, while JR comments that Viscera "came to play". Like the Miz. King claims that the winner of this duel is his pick to win the Rumble. Hmm, okay Jerry. Rikishi manages to take control with three snappy superkicks, followed by a straight up shove over the top rope. Well Big Vis didn't really last long.

Elimination #7: Viscera (by Rikishi)

Next up is the Big Boss Man, and Viscera urges him to go and get Rikishi as they pass on the entrance ramp. I love little extra interactions like that. It should happen more often. Boss Man refuses to enter the ring and just kills time on the apron until the next 90 seconds are up. The crowd are livid, but luckily Test is here to save the day, and absolutely unloads on Boss Man on the outside! He looks so angry that I have to check Wikipedia to see if they were engaged in a feud around this time. Apparently not, Test is just a ferocious mofo. Wikipedia does inform me that this isn't too long after Boss Man's infamous feud with Big Show, however. You know, the one where he gatecrashed Show's dad's funeral and drove around with the coffin attached to his car. You stay classy, WWF. Finally all three guys are together in the ring. LOW BLOW by Boss Man to Test. LOW BLOW by Rikishi to Boss Man. This is brilliantly entertaining. Test is getting some serous face pops, by the way. Up next is none other than Davey Boy Smith, The British Bulldog! I've just realised that three of the four men in the ring are now dead. Jesus :(. My Uncle claims that he accidentally walked into the Bulldog once outside of a supermarket and knocked him over. I'm not sure how true that is, though.

Rikishi manages to take my Uncle's hated enemy down and sets him up for the Banzai Drop, but Bulldog is up quickly and dishes out a low blow of his own! This is the Rumble of low blows. Nobody's genitals are safe. Next out is one of everybody's favourite Attitude Era midcarders, Gangrel! Inexplicably, instead of his usual goblet of blood, he has what looks like a plastic cup. Amazingly budget. Kaeintai are out again ("Pesky little fellas" says Lawler), and are immediately thrown out again. OH poo poo! Funaki's landing was fine, but Taka came down straight on his face. Fuckkk. There's blood left on the mats and everything. Ugh. Anyway, Edge is out now, and the ring's starting to fill up. Bulldog nearly drops Edge over the top rope, but the newcomer manages to hold on with a thumb to the eye. Gangrel also tries to shove Edge out of the Rumble. I guess this is after the days of The Brood.

On the other side of the ring Rikishi finally hits the Banzai Drop on an unfortunate Big Boss Man, while King requests for another replay of "that little Chinese guy being thrown out of the ring". The production team obliges. Bob Backlund is the first surprise entry of the rumble, and he looks like he's escaped from an asylum. This doesn't stop him from teaming up with everybody else to FINALLY eliminate Rikishi!

Elimination #8: Rikishi (by six entrants)

Chris Jericho is up next to a big, big pop, and immediately he takes out Backlund with a flying dropkick.

Elimination #9: Bob Backlund (by Chris Jericho)

Backlund exits through the crowd for some reason, while Jericho, Bossman, Edge and Test all take turns chopping one another. Crash Holly is next and doesn't do much of note. Next up is Chyna (Lawler is incredulous at the idea that she has entered the Rumble), and she goes straight for Chris Jericho. Y2J flips her onto the apron, but Chyna eliminates the Intercontinental Champion with a vertical suplex!

Elimination #10: Chris Jericho (by Chyna)

Boss Man ruins her moment with a wonderfully heelish nudge in the back, sending her flying off the apron and out of the Rumble as well!

Elimination #11: Chyna (by Big Boss Man)

Faarooq is next, still smarting from his tag team loss to the New Age Outlaws earlier in the evening. Suddenly the entire Rumble is jumped by the Mean Street Posse! They go straight after Faarooq and leave him down in the ring, allowing Boss Man to stroll over and eliminate him from proceedings.

Elimination #12: Faarooq (by Big Boss Man)

The next countdown seems to come around pretty quickly, and it heralds the arrival of Road Dogg. The crowd sing along with his theme tune even without him on the mic to lead them! Awesome! Sadly he doesn't really set the match on fire, just running straight into the sloppy midcard orgy and getting beaten down. Everybody's getting quite lethargic in there, especially the crowd who break into a chant of "We want Rocky". The next entrant is almost as good. It's Al Snow. Out of nowhere Road Dogg decides to eliminate the British Bulldog. That was so unexpected that the cameraman almost missed it. They were harmlessly brawling one second, and the next Davey Boy found himself on the outside. Maybe Road Dogg is some sort of secret Royal Rumble prodigy.

Elimination #13: The British Bulldog (by Road Dogg)

European Champion Val Venis is in next to the obligatory "His gimmick is full of sexual inneundo, let's cheer him" pop. So is Funaki, who immediately gets tossed again. Taka is very ominously absent after his huge face-bump. OH they replay it again. Obviously that was necessary. King calls him Chinese again. Jesus Christ, Jerry. Prince Albert makes his way to the ring just as Edge charges at Val Venis and is backdropped over the top rope! See you later.

Elimination #14: Edge (by Val Venis)

Albert goes to work brawling with everybody while King informs us that "he said his tongue piercing didn't hurt, but then he showed me another one that did". I like how JR just ignores most of Lawler's poo poo jokes and continues to call the action. King has mentioned May Young's breasts and Rikishi's backside around 20 times in this match so far. I just haven't been including the references in my own commentary. Hardcore Holly comes out to a quiet reaction. The action in the ring slows down again, and the crowd starts up an "rear end in a top hat" chant. I'm not sure who it's aimed at. Perhaps the booker of this match, or whoever decided upon the order of entrants. JUST as I say that, The Rock comes out to an overwhelming reaction. He immediately proceeds to layeth the Smackethdown on the Boss Man, and sends him tumbling over the top rope with a big right hand!

Elimination #15: Big Boss Man (by The Rock)

I think with half the eliminations done that's as good a place as any to take a break. I'll be back later with the latter half of the match. It started off okay, slowed the gently caress down towards the middle, but hopefully business is about to pick up now thanks to The Rock's arrival. See you in a little while.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:56 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

Lost Rivell posted:

At this point in the PPV, I swear you can hear my sister scream for about four seconds when he makes his way to the ring. She had a major thing for Christian and she went full-on apopleptic the second he came out, much to the pain and suffering of everyone else in our section.
I rewound it back to have a listen and there are a few screams for Christian, one being especially loud and piercing :D. Test and Edge also got some pretty big screams when they came out. MSG just loves its long haired blondes, apparently.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Royal Rumble - January 23rd 2000


PART 4

5. 30 Man Royal Rumble Match - CONTD.
Well I was expecting The Rock to go on a tear and clear the ring, but after he eliminated Boss Man he kind of got stuck in a corner and beaten down by the occasional midcarder walking past. Slightly disappointing. The next entrant might spice things up...and it's Billy Gunn. And he beats the Rock DOWN in the corner. Jesus, just right hand after right hand. Could you imagine any midcarder getting this sort of offense in on Cena, for example, in a modern day Rumble? Crash Holly takes over and looks to beat down the People's Champ further, but the Rock has had enough of this bullshit and drops him with a nice DDT! The elimination shortly follows.

Elimination #16: Crash Holly (by The Rock)

Finally it's time for entrant number twenty-six, and perhaps he'll clear the majority of the ring out because it's none other than Big Show! He makes very short work of Test and Gangrel, and they depart without too much of a fuss. That's disappointing. Test looked fired up when he came out and now he's going without a whimper.

Eliminations #17 and #18: Test and Gangrel (by Big Show)

Big Show starts chucking The Rock around the ring while Bradshaw makes his entrance. Just as they did with Faarooq, the Mean Street Posse crash the Rumble and beat down the Acolyte. He manages to fight all three off, however, and throw them all over the top. This distraction does allow both New Age Outlaws to sneak up from behind, though, and Bradshaw finds himself tossed out of the Rumble within seconds of entering. What an awful day at the office for him.

Elimination #19: Bradshaw (by Road Dogg and Billy Gunn)

Faarooq comes storming down the ramp and the two teams have a huge brawl on the ramp. I'm waiting for somebody to plancha over the top onto all of them, but this is the Rumble and only IDIOTS eliminate themselves. Where's Jeff Hardy when you need him? The next countdown ends with the lights going out and PYRO! It's Kane and boy does he look terrifying in his old attire. The look is kind of ruined by having Tori accompany him down the ramp, but that original mask was scary as gently caress. Val Venis proves that he has no idea what he's doing and decides to tee off on the Big Red Machine, but Kane immediately goozles him and chokeslams him out of the Rumble. You only have yourself to blame, Val.

Elimination #20: Val Venis (by Kane)

Kane ensures that nobody gives a gently caress about Prince Albert's elimination by clotheslining him out of the ring just as The Godfather makes his way down the ramp, hoes in tow. The Attitude Era wasn't very PC, was it?

Elimination #21: Prince Albert (by Kane)

Funaki's back in and Al Snow chucks him, again. King calls him Chinese, AGAIN. OH AND they show Taka's sick head bounce again. JR mentions that Taka is on his way to hospital, and Jerry says "do they have some good Chinese hospitals here in New York?". Yes Jerry, because hospitals are racially segregated. The thirtieth and FINAL entrant is none other than X-Pac, also known as "MAKE SOME NOIIIISE, X PAAAAAC" in his theme music. Our winner is now in the ring, whoever it may be (COUGH it won't be Al Snow COUGH). Just as I ridicule him, Al shows me up by clotheslining Hardcore Holly right out of the Rumble! Good job, Al!

Elimination #22: Hardcore Holly (by Al Snow)

Big Show eliminates the Godfather with a really ugly shove over the top rope, but it gets the job done.

Elimination #23: The Godfather (by Big Show)

The Rock stays true to his heritage and hits a big Samoan drop on Al Snow, before making short work of the poor guy. Eliminations coming thick and fast now.

Elimination #24: Al Snow (by The Rock)

Road Dogg, who has employed the classic strategy of "cling to the bottom rope and move very little" for most of this Rumble decides inexplicably to lean over the top rope and laugh at Al Snow for his elimination. Kane and Big Show are dangerously nearby, but it's actually Billy Gunn who ruthlessly ends his partner's chances of a title shot!

Elimination #25 Road Dogg (by Billy Gunn)

Billy has no time to celebrate, however, first being dropped by a massive Big Show headbutt, then sent up and over the top by a Kane uppercut. Bye rear end Man.

Elimination #26: Billy Gunn (by Kane)

We're down to the FINAL FOUR! THE ROCK! BIG SHOW! KANE! And X-PAC!? The New Age Outlaws drag Kane out under the bottom rope and proceed to beat him around the ringside area. Looks like Road Dogg forgot how he was eliminated REALLLY quickly there. Meanwhile Big Show takes a breather and watches The Rock and X-Pac fight between themselves. The Rock swats away a spinning heel kick and just HOISTS Waltman up and over the top rope. That was similar to Taka's nasty fall, but without the head bump at the end.

Wait a second, the refs were too busy breaking up the Outlaws and Kane as they brawled on the ramp, allowing X-Pac to pull an Austin and sneak back in. Come on guys, at least leave one of you to watch the action. Somebody should get fired. Big Show and Kane brawl sloooowly in the middle of the ring now, swatting away each other's goozle attempts and so on. Finally Big Show catches a kick and Kane...scores with the enziguri!? That's a collector's item. It staggers Show, allowing Kane to play Hogan to his Andre, scooping him up and slamming him to a pop from the crowd. Suddenly X-Pac blindsides Kane with a flying kick and takes him out of the Rumble! Booooo.

Elimination #27: Kane (by X-Pac)

One referee on the outside very obnoxiously orders Kane to the back, and I just want to see him uppercutted into the third row. Sadly it doesn't happen, while X-Pac hits a bronco buster on Big Show in the ring. This just angers Show, who hits him with a huge gorilla press to the outside.

Elimination #28: X-Pac (by Big Show)

So we're down to the final two. Heel vs face. Giant vs...pretty large dude in his own right, compared to your average man. The Rock hits him straight away with big rights, before struggling to nail a spinebuster in the center of the ring. He hits the People's Elbow (after all the theatrics, of course) and looks to eliminate Show...but finds himself goozled! Uh oh. Show hits a humongous chokeslam to the utter silence of the crowd. It's clear who they want to win. Show lifts Rock over his shoulder and feints throwing him out of each side of the ring, toying with the People's Champ. This isn't going to end well for you, Show. Aaaand it doesn't. As Show charges towards the ropes, The Rock is able to grab the top rope with his hands and allow his opponent's momentum to carry him over the top rope and out of the Rumble. The Rock wins!

Elimination #29: Big Show (by The Rock)

Winner: The Rock 2/5 - Not the best Rumble I've ever seen by a long stretch. This one gets points for simply being a Royal Rumble, and for containing so many figures of nostalgia for me. The action was largely very average. No eliminations really stand out in my mind apart from the final one, and Rikishi's double-cross on his partners towards the start. Nothing offensively bad, but nothing brilliant either.

The Rock celebrates to the joy of MSG and gets hold of a mic. He explains that since The Rock just won the Rumble right here in New York City, he can say that "FINALLY...The Rock IS GOING...to Wrestlemania." He's about to end on his signature catchphrase, but Big Show is back out! He charges to the ring and bowls Rocky over, grabbing him by the back of the head and throwing him over the top. The show ends with two talking trash to one another, Show standing in the ring, Rocky on the ramp. The Rock's very good at the whole trashtalk-miming. He looks like he loving means whatever the hell he's saying. Curious way to end the show though.

Show summary to follow.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:56 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
ROYAL RUMBLE 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
Triple H vs Cactus Jack - Without question the highlight of the evening. We all knew Foley would deliver in a street fight, but Triple H payed some serious dues as well. Not a workrate classic by any means, but a perfectly told story which really helped solidify the champ's position. Foley left looking like a deranged hero, even in defeat.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Cactus Jack - The best performer in the best match of the night. Great psychology, horribly sick bumps taken.
2. Triple H - That shouldn't take anything away from the champ. Played his part to perfection.
3. Jeff Hardy - The star of perhaps the big showpiece spots of the whole night.
4. The Rock - Didn't really have a whole lot to do, but did it well. Electrified the crowd, as expected.
5. Rikishi - The star of the opening portion of the Rumble. The action really slowed down once he was eliminated.

Angle and Tazz narrowly miss out, delivering a very good (but very short) opener. Jericho pretty much carried the triple threat by himself, while the other participants of the tables match did their jobs too.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Cactus Jack - 5
2. Triple H - 4
3. Jeff Hardy - 3
4. The Rock - 2
5. Rikishi - 1

ROYAL RUMBLE 2000 SCORE: 6/10
Failed to live up to my lofty expectations somewhat; Rumbles usually deliver in a big way. The WWF Title match was great, everything else was just sort of there. Nothing offensively bad though (except Mae Young's role in the bikini contest, as King reminded us way too many times throughout the show). The opener was good but short, the tables match was fun, and the Rumble match itself gets a pass on simply being a Rumble. It really is the best format for a match ever, and its annual appearance gives it an almost revered feel. Not the explosive start I'd hoped for, but I can live with that.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
No Way Out - February 27th 2000 - Hartford, Connecticut


PART 1

Next we're jetting off to Connecticut for what seems to be a very Triple H-dominated PPV on the surface. Just look at that poster! It's in his home state as well, which makes me eager to find out what sort of reaction he receives. He'll be main eventing this show in a rematch against Mick Foley, with two main differences.

1. If Foley loses, he must RETIRE! :o
2. This one won't be a street fight. It'll instead by everybody's favourite feud-ending stipulation: HELL IN A CELL!

The other main event of the card is a match between The Rock and Big Show over the number one contendership at Wrestlemania. I'm sure this will be more fully fleshed out by a video package later on, but all I can gather right now is that Big Show has somehow contested his Rumble loss to The Rock, and that Triple H (who wields backstage power even now due to the new "McMahon-Helmsley era" he forged with wife Stephanie) gave the giant a shot at stealing Rocky's spot. That all seems very dubious to me. Boo to you, Big Show. Boo, I say.

We start with some (frankly quite ominous) pyro, illuminating the cell which looms ominously over the ring. I'm sure you'll all agree that the hell in a cell stipulation was far more effective when it was only busted out for special occasions back in the Attitude Era. The unfortunate frequency with which it is used these days has watered it down a lot. A whole PPV dedicated to it guys? Come on. JR and King scream their welcomes and hype the main event of the evening. Lawler seems pretty gleeful at the possibility of Foley having to retire. You bastard Jerry!

For the second time in as many shows, Angle is the first wrestler down the ramp, and he's sporting a new piece of gold! It looks like he's the European Champion. Poor Val must have had a bad month since the Rumble. JR reminds us that the following match will not be for this title, but rather Jericho's Intercontinental belt. Kurt cuts a typical heel promo (he does it well, though) and awaits his opponent in the ring.

1. WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Chris Jericho (c) vs Kurt Angle
For some reason Chyna comes out before Jericho and gets a full entrance (music, pyro, the works). JR handily explains that although Chyna and Jericho were formerly rivals, they are now allies. That was a quick turnaround. They were screwing each other out of the Rumble last month. Jericho is out and cuts a promo of his own (can these guys just fight already!?), theorizing that Angle's three "I"s make him an "idiot", and "imbecile", and an "ignoramus". Hilariously, Jericho mispronounces the word as "ig-no-RAH-mus". Nobody has the heart to point it out to him. The match finally begins and the pair grapple, brawl, and bounce around for a little while. It's immediately the best technical wrestling I've seen in so far in this thread; the quality of these two shines through even at this early stage of their WWF careers. They get into an entertaining slapping contest, but the first real blow is landed by Angle as he hits a drop-toe hold and sends the champ face-first into the bottom rope. Ouch. Kurt charges but is back-dropped to the outside, before getting knocked back down again by Jericho's trademark dropkick from the turnbuckle as he tries to re-enter the ring.

They both end up brawling on the outside, and Jericho pulls off a very impressive spot as Angle whips him towards the steps. He scales them with a single leap and backflips off onto the approaching European champion. JR call it as an Asai moonsault, but it looks more like AJ Styles' pele kick (a move I instantly loved when covering his matches in my TNA thread. Dude can hit them out of nowhere). Back in the ring now, and Angle crotches Jericho on the top turnbuckle before FLINGING him off with a belly-to-belly superplex. That was crisp. A vertical suplex only gets two, and now Jericho comes back at Angle with a double-underhook backbreaker. Nastyyyyy (in a good way). Angle is now focusing on the left arm of Jericho, a body part which seems an odd target for Kurt, but we'll see where he goes with it. Jericho starts to hit his signature moves: spinning heel kick, bulldog, double powerbomb, but it's all only good enough for a two count. Out of nowhere, Angle snags Jericho's weakened arm from the ground and wrenches on it! Jericho rolls away, but Kurt holds on and transitions beautifully into an armbar! Chris is able to make the ropes but now the momentum is firmly with Angle.

Kurt is whipped into the corner but manages to duck a Jericho clothesline and hit the Olympic Slam! 1...2...Jericho uses PAY PER VIEW RESILIENCY to kick out of the finisher. On RAW or Smackdown he'd have been dead. Angle snaps and grabs the IC title from ringside. The ref snatches it away from him, leaving Kurt exposed enough to walk right into the WALLS OF JERICHO! Angle struggles...and makes the ropes! This is turning into a very nice contest. They brawl on the outside and (while the ref checks on Jericho), Angle swings for Chyna with the European belt. She ducks and Jericho rushes in to shove Angle in the back. Kurt falls into Chyna and she tumles into the ring steps. She'd have shrugged that off last month when she was in the title match, but now she's merely accompanying Jericho to the ring, that bump really really hurt her. Enough to keep the ref outside while he checks on her. Uh oh. Jericho floors Angle back in the ring and hits the Lionsault, but Angle brings the belt up out of nowhere and catches YJ2 as he lands! A quick pinfall is enough to get the three count and Angle wins. Double champion! Double champion!

Winner and NEW WWF Intercontinental Champion: Kurt Angle 2.5/5 - Very nice, pretty fluid. A good opening to the show featuring two guys of unquestionable talent, something which was clear even back then (although Jericho, of course, had already proven this back in WCW). Fairly short, but they managed to pack a lot in. Almost as good as it had any hope to be, given the time constraints, but there were one or two little moments of miscommunication. Nothing major, of course.

Michael Cole is backstage with the Dudleys who have an upcoming title shot against the New Age Outlaws. It's standard stuff, except why is Bubba speaking with an inexplicable Southern accent? Weird.

2. WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The New Age Outlaws (c) vs The Dudley Boyz
"OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW?" The Outlaws do their opening thing and they're insanely over, as ever. Here come the Dudleys looking loving terrifying. They charge the ring and it's a brawl immediately. Road Dogg goes for his jiving punches, but Bubba slips underneath the last one and hits a Bubba Bomb! The ref is distracted by Gunn on the apron, allowing the Dudleys to hit the Wassup diving headbutt! Getting all their signature spots in early, I see. Road Dogg plays tweener-in-peril while JR and King discuss the Dudleys' run of destruction over the past few weeks, mentioning that Terri, a previous Dudley victim, has invested in the Acolytes' new protection services. Is this the birth of the APA? I guess so. Road Dogg finally catches a break as the ref's back is turned, straight up punching Bubba in the dick and superplexing him off the top. Both crawl to their partners and make the tag, and Billy comes in like a house on fire. Right hand...right hand...clothesline...clothesline...back body drop...back body drop...etc. The Dudleys just keep getting up, at least until D-Von gets nailed with the FameAsser. 1...2...Bubba drags him out under the bottom rope. Road Dogg is in and hits the knees on D-Von, getting only a two count. I think the ref just isn't abiding by tag rules in this match for some reason.

On the outside, Bubba pulls a lead pipe from under the ring and waffles Billy with it! He very fluidly slides back in and just about gets there in time to complete the 3D on Road Dogg! Bubba get the gently caress out of there before the ref sees, and D-Von makes the pin. 1..2...3! New champions!

Winners and NEW WWF Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz 1.5/5 - Again, a very reasonable match considering the short amount of time it was packed into. Points deducted for a constantly distracted ref and the second screwy finish in two matches, but everything else was fine. The Outlaws come out of it looking pretty weak, but the Dudleys now seem monstrous.

Road Dogg berates Billy in the middle of the ring. DIFFERENCES ARE SURFACING BETWEEN THEM EVERYBODY!

We see a quick shot Kurt Angle celebrating wildly backstage with his two titles. Lovely.

Oh no. Next up is a hastily arranged singles match between Mark Henry and Viscera. Remember in the Rumble review when I guessed that this was all taking place AFTER Mae Young had given birth to the hand? It turns out we're slap-bang in the middle of that angle. Spoiler alert: SHE GIVES BIRTH TO A loving HAND. Anyway, we see footage of Viscera splashing Mae, "a pregnant, 77 year old woman" on RAW. Henry is understandably pissed and goes after Big Vis backstage on Heat. And here is where it'll be settled. Prepare for a classic.

3.Mark Henry vs Viscera
Henry charges Viscera before the bell. "Charges" is a generous term, but he certainly moves towards him at a slightly higher speed than normal. They brawl really messily before Vis hits a shoudler block, and then SOMEHOW a (very low) spinning heel kick. He managed to catch a couple of inches of air with that. JR literally says "Mark Henry is the world's strongest man. I guess he's got the world's strongest sperm too." Oh come on. How am I supposed to take this pregnancy angle seriously when even the two commentators are bouncing between super-serious "the baby is somehow hanging on" mode one minute, and joking about it the next. Henry gets taken out of the ring and whipped headfirst into the steps. That was the first good spot of the match, and it was a 400lb super heavyweight clattering into a set of steps. Vis must have heard how much I enjoyed it, because he does it again! Woohoo. Those steps are far from their original position as the crowd starts a "boooring" chant. Viscera hits a big samoan drop and an even bigger suplex, but don't worry Mark Henry fans! Mae Young is on her way to save him! She totters into the ring and tries to shield her man from the ongoing assault. Viscera shoves her down. He goes for a splash on her and the ref gets out of the way. You loving coward! Referees will put their bodies on the line to stop a wrestlers doing slightly too much harm to one another in a no DQ match, while deciding it's time to get out of dodge when a pregnant woman is about to be splattered. Luckily Mark is back on his feet and saves the day with a shoulder block, followed by a big powerslam. That's the three count? That's it. Okay.

Winner: Mark Henry DUD/5 - loving atrocious. Atrocious angle. Atrocious wrestling. Atrocious everything.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:56 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
No Way Out - February 27th 2000


PART 2

We get an interview with Jericho who's angry about losing to Kurt, and we get a short segment with Billy Gunn whose shoulder is in severe pain after losing to the Dudley Boyz. Quite a depressing minute or so there.

4. Number One Contender's Match: The Hardy Boyz vs Edge and Christian
Terri is out with the Hardys and we are reminded that earlier she paid the Acolytes to protect her from the Dudleys. SUCH A BUSY TAG TEAM DIVISION :syoon:. My BOYS Edge and Christian come out through the crowd, like a far better groomed SHIELD, and the Acolytes get their own entrance and seem content chilling at the bottom of the ramp to look out for those drat Dudleys. That's very professional of them; most teams would probably settle for a slightly late run-in, but Faarooq and Bradshaw don't gently caress around. Edge jumps Jeff before the bell and the heels assume initial control, but Jeff is quick to counter with an outrageously fast front flip coming off an attempted back body drop. He and Matt manage to take Christian down with tandem legdrops (Jeff from the top rope, Matt right onto his tender man area). The pair decide to lose their shirts, drawing suspiciously pre-pubescent screams from the crowd, while Terri shouts encouragement. She's a really poor manager, I feel. She demanded hugs from the Hardys before the match and her whole presence kind of robs them of any potential edge. Matt and Christian exchange skinny white boy chops (it looks like two of the Jackass crew fighting) before Jeff jumps the top rope to get involved...only for Christian to immediately dropkick him back out. Hahahaha.

Matt and Jeff regain control and hit the poetry in motion. JR manages to continue where he left off at the Rumble and confuses the names of the two Hardys. "Here's what you need to remember," says Lawler, "Jeff's the one with blue hair." I'd be fully on Jerry's side but he's spent most of the match drooling over Terri's "puppies" and it's really starting to piss me off. Edge eventually gets Christian out of trouble with a hot tag and proceeds to clear house. He spin-kicks Matt to the outside and Christian very smartly hops over the turnbuckle to land on the Hardy. That was slick! Since when could Christian fly like that, and why did he never do it often!? Now it's Jeff's turn to be in PERIL as he gets whipped into the heels' corner and stomped down. Matt shouts encouragement from across the ring, but it doesn't help his brother avoid a drop toehold (executed by Christian on his own partner) sending the head of Edge right into Jeff's crotch. Jeff fights back but Edge puts him down with a series of increasingly powerful moves, culminating in a PILEDRIVER!? WHAT THE gently caress!? Jeff crumples as JR and King sell the move like it's standard affair; what the hell just happened!? Jeff kicks out at two!? BOOOOOOOO! That should have snapped his puny neck and he kicks out at two. This is bizarre. Even the crowd didn't really pop like I imagine they would these days. Were piledrivers regular back then?

We get occasional shots of the Acolytes watching without emotion from the ramp, but the camera cuts back just in time to see Edge DESTROY Jeff further with a huge (very slightly botched) powerbomb! Did Jeff piss him off this morning or something? It was hit a little sloppily but I kind of bought it as a slightly desperate counter to the onrushing Hardy's assault. Christian comes in to put the boots to Jeff while Edge is down on the other side of the ring, but Matt decides to involve himself even as the illegal man by hitting a beautiful diving elbow onto his foe. Jeff's subsequent cover only gets a very close two, but he deals Edge further blow shortly after, scything him out of the air with a dropkick to the midriff as his opponent leaps from the top rope. Everything starts to break down as all four end up in the ring. The Hardys try to do the doomsday device, but Edge wriggles free leaving Chrstian to eat a Jeff crossbody. The Hardys hit their tandem legdrop/splash from opposite corners on a grounded Christian, and Edge gets whipped into a corner for the poetry in motion. INSTEAD, THOUGH, HE SPEARS JEFF STRAIGHT OUT OF MID-AIR FROM THE TURNBUCKLE! That was explosive. I'm tempted to give the match an automatic +0.5 bonus rating for this one. Somehow the Hardys again regain control, though, and Jeff goes up for the Swanton...only for Terri to push him off to the outside!? HEEL TURN, BITCHES! Matt gets in her face and she gives him a hard slap, spinning him around into an Unprettier from Christian (one of my favourite finishers.I love that move). That's enough for the three.

Winners: Edge and Christian 3.5/5 - Not quite as crisp as Angle vs Jericho in terms of sheer quality, but around the same level with regard to entertainment, maybe even slightly better. A little stop-start and sometimes unpolished, but the good stuff was very good. :) I'm glad about Terri's betrayal as well. She just didn't fit in with the Hardys. I am, of course, speaking with the benefit of post-Lita hindsight.

Terri tries to celebrate with E&C, but the pair look confused. They leave the ring and Terri stays to gloat just a little too long. Matt recovers and grabs her by the hair, but suddenly the Acolytes are on him (as per their monetary agreement)! They beat down the Hardys and Faarooq hits Jeff with a horribly stiff, sloppy powerbomb. That was so clumsy. Anyway, E&C are number one contenders, Terri's a bitch, the Hardys are angry, and the Acolytes did their job.

Big Show is backstage and rolls footage of the Rumble. Well holy poo poo, as Supreme Allah mentioned above (very kindly remembering to use spoilers), Show is absolutely telling the truth. The Rock's feet definitely hit first and Show should technically be the winner of the match. Well, I want him to win now. The rest of the crowd don't seem to agree with me. Neither does JR who is skeptical about the Big Show. WHAT THE gently caress!? HE LITERALLY JUST PROVIDED CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT HE WON THE MATCH! I remember when I was younger being incredibly irritated by King's blatant favouritism towards any heel, but now JR's bias in favour of babyfaces is perhaps even more grating.

5. Big Boss Man vs Tazz
Boss Man comes down to the ring with Prince Albert in tow (currently acting as BBM's protege, apparently). We see that earlier tonight the pair jumped Tazz backstage and stomped him down. No reason is given except that they're HEELS. Boss Man charges at Tazz as he makes his way down to the ring, but the shorter man gains control as they brawl down the ramp. They get to the ring and the match is officially started. They continue to brawl. And brawl. And brawl. Neither man seems too keen on selling. Finally Tazz busts out a wrestling move and hoists the Boss Man for a back suplex. Boss Man staggers to his feet and misses with a wild right hand, allowing Tazz to duck behind and apply the Tazzmission! Albert is in to but a stop to that poo poo, and the referee calls for the bell. Pay Per View wrestling, ladies and gentlemen.

Winner: Tazz DUD/5 - Very short and seemingly pointless. Let's see what happens...

A very messy beatdown occurs to the following pattern: 1. Boss Man and Albert beat Tazz down. 2. Tazz continues to HEROICALLY FIGHT. 3. Boss Man and Albert beat him down further. 4. Tazz CONTINUES TO FIGHT; HE JUST WON'T GIVE UP! (It's very tedious after a while. I wish Tazz knew what selling was). Oh my god it KEEPS GOING ON! Boss Man breaks his nightstick over Tazz's head and it only downs him for a few seconds. It drags on for so long that I'm expecting a run out, but nothing happens. Eventually Sgt Slaughter brings out a team of officials and they finally break it up. That was messy.

Angle is still celebrating backstage. :neckbeard:

Now we get a hype video for what looks to have been a ludicrous and amazing feud between Kane and X-Pac. The pair used to be bros for a little while, even winning tag team gold, but Pac betrayed Kane and stole Tori, his girlfriend. We see scenes of Kane looking sad and rejected, eventually walking away from the WWF. He returns the following show, however, Paul Bearer in tow. The Big Red Machine storms the ring and teases chokeslamming Tori, but he can't. He lets her go...and TOMBSTONES HER INSTEAD! Ooooh. We then see him win a tag match against Triple H and Big Show for the right to face X-Pac in a no DQ match (with a little help from The Rock), the match I assume is next. The final word goes to X-Pac whoever, who genuinely shoots a firework into Kane's face to protect Tori on the last Smackdown before the PPV. That's some heavy poo poo right there.

A quick side note: I've been getting the impression that for all his loudmouth antics and bullying trash talk, The Rock is actually far less of a badass than he makes out. He helped out Foley in his street fight at the Rumble, and now he's helped Kane get his match against X-Pac. He's like a rent-a-sidekick for the other babyfaces. N'awwwww.

6. No Holds Barred Match: X-Pac vs Kane
X-Pac is out with Tori while Kane brings Bearer along. Kane ignites his pyro from the ramp rather than the middle of the ring, distracting Pac long enough for him to charge in and gain an advantage. A few meaty uppercuts followed by a BIG tilt-a-whirl backbreaker to start things off. Kane clotheslines X-Pac to the outside and the DX man realises what the gently caress he's doing in a no DQ match with Kane. He calls Tori and the pair begin to leave, but Kane stalks them up the ramp and beats Pac around the stage area. This is akin to a typical horror movie; Pac and Tori are playing the role of scared teens to perfection. Waltman finds a garbage can and blasts Kane with it, only for the Big Red Machine to take it off him and return the favour with interest. He beats Pac through the crowd until the reach ringside again, but a miss with the ring steps allows Pac to grab the bell and drill Kane right in the mask. X-Pac grabs a steel chair but BEARER SNATCHES IT OFF HIM! Bearer tackles Pac down and lays into him with right hands! Yeahhhh! Tori drags him off and gives him a stinging slap across the face, but Bearer no-sells and chases her around the ring like a hideous lurching goblin. The crowd are eating it up.

The two actual wrestlers are back in the ring now and Kane heads up top, only for X-Pac to leap hiiiigh for an enziguri. Kane collapses in the corner allowing Pac to hit the Bronco Buster and wheel away triumphantly. KANE SITS UP! He sends X Pac to the outside and beats him around for a while, but Pac heads back inside and regains control with a spinning heel kick. JR and King are meanwhile discussing whether Kane was realistic for expecting Tori to fall for him. Lawler comes out with this gem: "Kane's face is horrifying so who knows what his thingy looks like?". Jesus. Kane catches X-Pac's crossbody attempt and goes for the tombstone, but Pac wriggles out the back and hits the X Factor! He wastes a little time punching Bearer off the apron, and KANE SITS UP AGAIN! Big boot! Kane looks to go in for the kill but Tori is on the apron to distract him. "Tombstone her!" urges JR, suddenly a maniacal psychopath. X-Pac tries to blindside Kane but eats a big chokeslam. Tori's in the ring now and leaps onto Kane's back with a flurry of punches, but he simply drags her further over his shoulder and hits the Tombstone! JR's glee is disturbing. The ref gingerly rolls Tori out of the ring as Kane fetches the ring steps to inflict further punishment on X-Pac, but Pac is up and dropkicks them into Kane's face! Kane collapses with the steps pinning him down, and Pac scrambles on top for the three count.

Winner: X-Pac 2/5 - This was heading to 2.5 or 3 star territory, but sadly the finish was weak. I felt the match built up excellently and seemed to be heading towards a huge finishing sequence, but the pinfall itself was a little out of nowhere. Still generally good from all four people involved. Kane was on particularly good form here, and Pac bumped around like crazy for him.

In a nicely heelish touch, X-Pac forgets Tori and hobbles up the ring on his own while she cradles her neck on the outside. She has to stagger after him (although really I think a tombstone shouldn't be shrugged off so easily). Kane and Bearer pace the ring in frustration.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:57 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
No Way Out - February 27th 2000


PART 3

Cole is backstage interviewing The Radicalz prior to their WWF PPV debut. They consist of WCW cast-offs Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero and Perry Saturn. One of these four is not like the other...

(A quick, but necessary note on Benoit here. I utterly deplore the tragic murders he committed, but I intend to treat him as I would any other wrestler in these reviews. For the sake of the thread's balance there will be no bias, positive or negative, towards Benoit in relation to match quality or performance in general. If he does something good I'll say it's good. If it sucks, I'll say it sucks.)

Cole asks if they are nervous. Malenko explains that only their opponents (Too Cool and Rikishi) should be nervous. Benoit is insulted that Cole would even accuse the Radicalz of nerves. Saturn hates Too Cool because the only dancing he appreciates "is on tables for dollar bills". He says this with an incredible, humourless fury. Guerrero is in a sling having dislocated his elbow but will be at ringside for "moral support". He says this while taking out a metal pipe of sorts and brandishing it for the camera to see. Somebody should really notify the match official of that...

7. Too Cool and Rikishi vs The Radicalz
The babyfaces dance down to the ring and it looks like all is forgiven following their big Rumble fall out. The Radicalz make their entrance to incredibly generic guitar music. "Deport Eddie" reads a sign in the crowd. How tasteful. The heels jump the faces at the bell and we've got a pier six brawl all around ringside. Eddie sneaks into the ring to use the pipe on an unsuspecting Rikishi, but the Samoan turns just in time and catches the attempted shot. He snatches away the pipe and drives it into Eddie's elbow, sending the Latino scuttling off up the ramp. That was quickly dealt with. Saturn and Sexay find themselves the legal men when order is restored and Grandmaster wins their exchange, hitting a missile dropkick and nice enziguri before busting a move in the middle of the ring. Scotty and Benoit face off now, with the Tool Cool member winning the battle with a verticle suplex after a few whips n' ducked clothesines n' stuff. Scotty throws in an HBK kip-up for the hell of it before moonwalking over to tag in Rikishi. The big man gets a pop for merely entering the ring (he is OVER).

He cleans house on all three Radicalz before whipping Benoit into the corner and hitting a big clothesline. Benoit slumps down in the corner and Rikishi of course gives him the Stink Face. If there was one move to encapsulate everything about the Attitude Era, it may well be that. Gratuitous, pretty disgusting, but also morbidly entertaining. Rikishi sets Benoit up for the Rikishi Driver, but Malenko dashes in and puts a stop to that with a very nice dropkick to the legs. Saturn and Rikishi face off now and Saturn works over the bandaged left leg of the Samoan. Rikishi sells it very nicely, slowly finding an escape route and limping over to make a tag to Scotty. Mr Hotty is in and immediately gives Saturn his trademark bulldog. The crowd pops huge. They know what's next! "W!..." oh. Scotty doesn't even reach "O!" before Malenko kills the party with a hard clothesline. Haaah, that was magnificent. Benoit is in now to dominate Scotty with a few snap suplexes and the like, before hitting a nice drop toe hold/low dropkick combo with Malenko. Lovely butterfly suplex from Malenko, and Scotty's in trouble. Saturn is tagged in and gets surprising air with a flying knee! The Radicalz isolate Hotty in their corner and wear him down with quick tags and sharp double team moves. Sexay keeps getting the crowd involved but Scotty is unable to harness their power. Their fickle, potent power.

Eventually Scotty and Benoit clonk heads and are both down. They crawl towards opposite corners...and Rikishi gets the hot tag! He clears house on all three Radicalz, before Saturn gets DROPPED with the Rikishi Driver. Scotty is invited into the ring to do the Worm (which he does), before the Radicalz recover and a brawl erupts on the outside. Sexay remains in the ring and hits the Hip Hop Drop (guillotine legdrop) on Saturn, but the ref is too busy checking on the fight outside to count the subsequent cover. BENOIT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH THE DIVING HEADBUTT! All three men stagger slowly to their feet and are joined by Scotty. He clotheslines Saturn to the floor while Benoit does the same to Grandmaster, leaving Malenko and Rikishi alone in the ring. Malenko tries to drag Rikishi's prone body but sells throwing his back out due to the weight. Hahahaha! The Samoan regains control and sends Malenko into the corner. He hobbles to his feet and catches him on the rebound with the Rikishi Driver, before dragging him to the corner and nailing the Banzai Drop (with some difficulty due to his consistently sold leg injury. Well done.) That's more than enough for the three count.

Winners: Too Cool and Rikishi 2.5/5 - A very nice match, although slow in parts. I had the Radicalz nailed on for a victory here, so seeing a feel-good babyface win was a surprise. No complaints though. Malenko in particular was excellent throughout, as was Rikishi.

The winning trio dance around in the ring to their music.

Meanwhile, Angle is STILL celebrating backstage. Gotta love that man.

Hype video now for the feud between Big Show and The Rock. We see Big Show provide Triple H with conclusive evidence that Rocky's feet hit first. They do, so Trips grants Show a number one contender match. Bullshit. If I was show I'd automatically want that shot at Wrestlemania, as rightful Rumble winner. Show seems happy though, and costs The Rock a match against Benoit on RAW. On a following show he then employs the help of the New Age Outlaws to incapacitate Rocky and stuff him into DX's tour bus in the parking lot. Show waves the bus goodbye as it pulls away...and Rock has pulled some Harry Houdini poo poo and is standing behind him, 2x4 in hand! Big Show gets clocked from behind and falls to the ground. Show gets the last laugh though, throwing the Rock clean through a closed window on the final RAW before the PPV.

8. Number One Contender Match: Big Show vs The Rock
An electric opening here as they get in each other's face before the bell. Rocky slaps Big Show and hits a few right hands. Whip to the corner, clothesline, but the Russian legsweep attempt is blocked. Big Show hits a headbutt and whips Rock into the ropes, but the People's Champ hits a picture perfect floatover DDT. Smooth opening. Very good. Rock goes for an early Rock Bottom but Big Show practically shrugs and it's enough to send his foe out of the ring. GET HIM BIG SHOW! I am firmly on Show's side here. Justice for the real Rumble winner! They fight on the outside and Rock whips Show into the ring steps. The steps have taken a lot of punishment in this PPV, it has to be said. Henry and Kane have both had a lot to do with them, and now Show! Rock is tossed over the crowd barrier and Show follows him in. They brawl in the crowd until Show levels Rocky with a huge clothesline. They find themselves back at the barrier and Show charges at the Rock...and gets BACKDROPPED OVER THE TOP! That was a gargantuan backdrop from the Rock. Show went airborne. Rock grabs a water bottle from the announce table and takes a swig, spitting it in the pursuing Big Show's face. Show gets revenge with a hard whip into the ringpost and a HUGE chest chop. Ouch.

They FINALLY get back in the ring (I figure Hebner has decided to gently caress counting anybody out. He's in a lazy mood today). Russian legsweep gets 2 for the Rock. So does a hard DDT. Now Show gets a near fall of his own with a delayed sidewalk slam. It's like they're both trying to fill their momentum meter to get a stored finisher. I wouldn't be surprised if Show backed into a vacant corner and just did his signature taunt a load of times. Show leaves the ring and grabs a chair, bringing it back in to the chagrin of Hebner. I NEVER understand this heel logic, especially in a match with something on the line. Show swings at Rock and the Brahma Bull ducks, SURELY SAVING BIG SHOW'S CHANCES OF HEADLINING WRESTLEMANIA! I mean what the gently caress!? It's so infuriating. This was very good match up until now and that little piece of nonsense psychology has jarred me somewhat. Earl gets bumped out of the ring by a misplaced Irish whip, leaving Show to finish Rock with a big boot and even bigger chokeslam. Of course there's nobody to count the fall. The Rock's out of it too. That would have been a victory for Show. A replacement ref runs down to count the fall, and EARL DRAGS HIM OUT OF THE RING AT 2! Oh gently caress off! The fates are conspiring to keep show out of the 'Mania title match, and that one doesn't even make sense beyond "Hebner's a bastard".

Shane McMahon gets a MONSTER pop for some reason (seriously, I can't work out why) as he comes down to loving sort this poo poo out, and I can't blame him. He berates the two refs to no avail as they begin brawling at ringside. Jesus. Amid the mayhem, Rock blasts Show with the chair and a Rock Bottom! He goes for the People's Elbow, but Shane dives into the ring, snatches up the chair, and UTTERLY DEMOLISHES THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP! That was a sick chairshot. He jumped into it and the Rock crumpled perfectly. Shane drapes Show over the Rock, grabs one of the refs and orders him into the ring, and the fall is counted. Shane comes out looking like a complete badass. I'm not sure what the actual wrestlers look like.

Winner: Big Show 2/5 - A horribly booked finish saved by some great wrestling early one. The pair worked a very good match up until Show grabbed that chair. From then on it was all downhill (especially the bullshit with the refs), and I was going to give it a far worse rating were it not for some tidy sequences late in the match (and Shane's loving awesome chairshot). In the end an acceptable, but far from brilliant match. The right man won though. #RumbleJustice.

Shane and Show share a big awesome man-hug before getting the gently caress out of there. I'm happy with that result. I was certain beforehand that this was a way to sweep the "Rock's feet hit the floor first" issue under the rug with a decisive win, but this changes everything. Even if they still manage to screw Show out of his title shot before 'Mania (which, let's face it, they probably will) he'll still retain some credibility with a big PPV win.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:58 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
No Way Out - February 27th 2000


PART 4

It turns out that the big pop for Shane O'Mac was because this was his return. He quickly aligned himself with the Big Show though, turning himself heel in pretty decisive fashion.

It's main event video package time! Since that Street Fight at the Rumble it looks as though Triple H's hatred for Foley has spiraled out of control. He agrees to put his title on the line if Mick puts up his career, saying "My dream is to be in the WWF without you". He even lets Foley pick the stipulation. Of course he chooses Hell in a Cell. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Foley promises that he'll leap off the top of the cell again, but this time it won't be through an announce table. It'll be through Triple H's body.

Angle is walking back to his car humming "We Are The Champions". Suddenly he's jumped by Jericho and Chyna! The pair beat him down and stuff him into the back of his own car. That was a little bit uncalled for guys...

9. WWF Championship vs Career Hell In A Cell Match: Triple H (c) vs Cactus Jack
"ONE TWO! IS THIS ON!?" Triple H brings Stephanie out for his Hell in a Cell match against noted psychopath Mick Foley. Husband of the year material. The cell descends and Foley immediately tries to get out of the door, as if wanting to immediately ascend the structure. It's locked however, and he instead decides to beat the poo poo out of the champ for a while in the ring. Mick gains control with headbutts, big right hands and the like, before checking the door again. It's still locked. Good job Mick. Steph talks trash to him from the outside but it doesn't faze the challenger, who slams Triple H's head into the wall and rakes it along the mesh. Stephanie, JR, and King have all said "No Way Out" a lot in reference to the locked cell door. It's like towards the end of a book or movie when the title is explicitly referenced for the first time. Jack goes under the ring and brings out a steel chair. I was hoping he'd take out some food or a beer he'd stashed there earlier in the day, but it's just a standard chair. He tries to get in the ring but Triple H knees him off the apron and sends him clattering back-first into the cell wall. He follows him out and dishes out even MORE punishment to the poor ring steps, whipping Foley's body right into them. He picks up the steps now and I think he's going to charge Foley with them...NOPE! He just throws them straight into his face. Mannnn that was nasty.

Foley recovers and staggers into the ring, but gets brained by the steel chair. I wonder how many chairshots Mick has taken in his whole career. That would be a scary figure. Cactus fights back with a chair-assisted low blow, followed by the Double Arm DDT onto the chair! Now he hits a Russian Legsweep onto the chair also, but it only gets a near fall. Foley now beats Triple H down in the corner where a chair has been handily placed, allowing Hunter a lovely seat while he gets tagged with repeated rights to the head. Foley backs up and charges, but Triple H falls out of the corner and hits a drop toe hold, sending Mick's cranium into the steel. The champ thinks about using the ring steps again and JR urges him to "have some compassion". This is the man who openly cheered on Kane for dropping a woman on her head. Triple H sets up Foley for the Pedigree on the ring steps, but Mick is able to reverse it and slingshot the champ high into the cell wall. The champ is busted open! AGHHH! Foley climbs the turnbuckles and hits a chair-assisted elbow drop to the outside! Mannnn that was into a narrow landing area. Foley tries to give Triple H a taste of his own medicine, hurling the ring steps at him. The champ is able to duck, however, and the steps break away a section of the wall. The crowd are jubilant.

Foley uses his own body as a battering ram to widen the gap slightly (it doesn't. Mick, the cell is already broken away at the bottom, just stoop like a normal person would!). He employs a slightly better second strategy, hurling the Game through the makeshift doorway to the outside. Triple H's crimson mask has reached advanced levels now; quite a lot of it is dripping down onto his chest and Mick's arm. Foley throws the champ onto the announce table and piledrives him through! Well, not through. It doesn't move an inch. Ouch. He re-positions the Game on the table and begins to climb the cell wall but Stephanie grabs his leg and holds him down! Foley is livid and approaches her menacingly, but Trips is back up to save the day...and get dropped with a right hand. Foley drags the timekeeper out of his seat and rummages around the tech equipment...finding a barbed-wire wrapped 2x4 out of nowhere! He cracks Triple H in the face, which convinces the champ that he wants no part of this. He tries to escape...by climbing the cell. Oh you idiot. Cerebral Assassin, really?

Cactus pursues him (of course), and has even attached a nifty little loop around the end of his 2x4 so he can hang it on his arm and climb at the same time. Ingenious. Triple H snatches it off him though, and rakes Foley's head as he clings to the top of the cell. Foley doesn't let go, so the Game resorts to simply kicking his hands. Mick fallllls and crashes back-first through the Spanish announce table! Luckily it was a much more controlled fall than his infamous plunge against the Undertaker, but that still must have hurt like hell. Triple H stands triumphantly atop the cell, arms aloft, drawing an "rear end in a top hat" chant from his hometown crowd. That's rough. Foley has shakily made it back to his feet and tries to throw a chair onto the roof. He fails both times. Come on Mick. He gives up on it after a few more goes, realising that he's probably telegraphed whatever spot they were planning too much. He heads up weaponless and pays for it, Triple H welcoming him to the top with three big shots with the 2x4. Foley regains control with a low blow and shoves the Game towards the edge! The champ falls and one of his legs breaks through the roof, but he avoids falling off entirely. Man, that was scary. They're standing on what looks like an incredibly unstable panel of the roof, but Mick doesn't give a poo poo and hits a vertical suplex on the Game. This could end badly. I'd be freaking out if I were either of these men right now, and I'm not usually scared of heights.

Foley hits a sloppy Double Arm DDT atop the cell and the pair look very tired and bloody now. This definitely has an epic feel, even if the match quality is lacking. HOLY poo poo! Foley fishes a lighter out of his pocket and sets the 2x4 alight! He drills Triple H in the face with the burning end, although the champ clearly (and thankfully) get an arm in the way, while Mick pulls the blow slightly. It takes away from the spot but I don't blame them at all. Somebody was asking for skin grafts otherwise. Mick lays the still-burning weapon down on the roof and motions that he wants to DDT Triple H right into the fire. He sets him up...and the champ backdrops him THROUGH the adjacent roof panel! Mick falls and makes a hole in the canvas as he lands! I imagine the ring was rigged for that, but it still looks very effective, Foley's body lying broken in a crater in the ring. Triple H sells his shock brilliantly (while Stephanie grins evilly from the outside. She's a McMahon after all). He clambers tentatively back down into the ring and slowly approaches Mick's body. He cautiously kicks an arm and FOLEY STIRS! The Game sells his bewilderment and frustration brilliantly, backing away in horror before collecting himself and downing the challenger with a right hand. He's had quite enough of all this nonsense and ends the match with a ruthless Pedigree. That's enough.

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: Triple H 4.5/5 - Similarly to their contest at the Rumble, this wasn't great as a wrestling match, but two things made it brilliant anyway. The psychology of both men and some ludicrously big spots. The fall through the table, the flaming 2x4 and the climactic plunge through the cage roof all made this a legendary bout, especially when coupled with the emotion and hatred displayed by both men. Triple H was particularly fantastic in this regard, and his fearful kicking of Foley's prone body for signs of life was brilliant. A special main event.

We get an emotional close to the show as, following Triple H's exhausted but triumphant exit, Foley slowly returns to his feet and hobbles away into retirement (not REAL retirement of course, just your standard "wrestling" retirement but nobody knew that at the time). He pauses atop the ramp and gives one final raised fist before turning and walking away.

Summary to follow.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:58 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
NO WAY OUT 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
Triple H vs Cactus Jack - For the second time in a row these two deliver the match of the night. The best technical match was clearly the Hardys vs E&C, but this had an epic feel. Sadly, I have a feeling that Foley's "retirement" won't last very long. Maybe like, zero PPVs or whatever. But that shouldn't take away from a fantastic story told by these two, making for one of the best matches in the Hell in a Cell canon.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Triple H - Edges Foley to number one for his consistently great psychology.
2. Cactus Jack - Turned in a slightly sloppier performance than at the Rumble if I'm being brutally honest, but those bumps he took make up for it.
3. Kurt Angle - The major reason the hot opener was so hot. Great all-round performance, from occasional high-risk stuff to mat wrestling.
4. Christian - The best performer in the best straight wrestling contest on the show. Crisp, consistent, and entertaining throughout.
5. Kane - Turned in a great performance against X-Pac. Let down by a weak finish but sold it well.

This was an incredibly hard top five to decide upon, as a load of superstars seemed to bring their a-game to the PPV. Rocky looked good against Show, Malenko impressed in the six man tag, and Jericho held his own in the curtain-jerker. The wrestler who would have easily sauntered onto the top five on an average night, however, was Edge. He had some great moments in the tag match, but his occasional sloppiness elsewhere in the match let him down.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Cactus Jack - 9
Triple H - 9

2. Jeff Hardy - 3
Kurt Angle - 3

3. The Rock - 2
Christian - 2

4. Rikishi - 1
Kane - 1

NO WAY OUT 2000 SCORE: 7/10
Just as I came into the Rumble with very high expectations and was quite disappointed, I didn't really have high hopes for this show and was quite impressed. Although Mark Henry vs Viscera and Boss Man vs Tazz stunk up the place, the other seven matches were either good or above. E&C vs the Hardys was great, as was Angle vs Jericho. Kane vs X-Pac and Rock vs Big Show looked to be going very well but were let down by slightly weak finishes, while the six man tag and the tag title match were perfectly acceptable. A show packed full of wrestling (and pretty good wrestling, at that), and the main event delivered in spades to top everything off.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 14:55 on Jan 13, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

sticklefifer posted:

I remember this triggering a fairly widespread meme within the IWC where people would constantly say "At No Way Out there will be no way out". It spread to others as well, like "At Backlash there will be backlash" and "At No Mercy there will be no mercy".

I was quite disappointed that there was a way out in the end. I was expecting Triple H and Foley to be stuck in the Hartford Civic Center forever.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000 - Anaheim, California


PART 1

Oh man, it's grandaddy time! WrestleMania 2000 (the only WrestleMania, I think, to break from the roman numeral system) and I have high hopes. Or at least I did, until I remembered what the main event was. Yes it's the infamous "a McMahon in every corner" fatal four way match for the WWF Title. Trips is the champ so I see why he's in it. Rocky won the Rumble so I see why he's in it. Big Show LEGITIMATELY won the Rumble so I see why he's in it. WHY is Foley in there? He retired forever last PPV. I know wrestling retirements never last long, but this is short even by usual WWF standard. And WHY are all the McMahon's in there? The booking of both shows I've watched so far have been okay, by and large, but this seems to be the first true chink in the company's booking armour.

Anyway, onto the opener. Accompanied by Ice T (yeah, take that Flo Rida) The Godfather and D'Lo Brown dance down to the ring, hos in tow as ever. Ice T raps a song about bitches and so on as they make their way down to the ramp. See, this is how modern WrestleManias should do it. If you MUST have a musical guest, keep their performance to a minimum, and make sure it coincides with the entrance of a superstar. The full blown concert that broke out before Cena and Rock's entrances a year and a half ago was infuriating.

...

Okay I take it back. This is going on longer than I expected, and some of the lyrics are unintentionally hilarious. "It's the G-O-D-F-A-T-H-E-R, / Folks start running when they see his car" and "GRAB YO BITCHESSS" are two personal favourites of mine. Also Godfather is getting a load of shotouts and D'Lo hasn't yet received one from Mr T. I feel sorry for him.

My this is all terribly misogynistic.

1. The Godfather and D'Lo Brown vs Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan
Luckily The SHIELD Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan are out to stop this blatant sexism. I'm sure that's why they're out here anyway. There's one lone "I <3 Boss Man and Bull" sign in the crowd being waved by a brave little kid in the crowd. I bet he grew up to be a smark. JR hypes this as the most electrifying WrestleMania of all time. King replies "I'm electrified already. Look at that ho over there in the red! Woohoo!" Profound. D'Lo takes control of the opening exchange with Buchanan, prompting Boss Man to step in and interfere. Godfather puts a stop to that idea, CHARGING into the ring and beheading him with a clothesline. Jesus, he's not messing around. D'Lo knocks Bull down again and screams "YOU SUCK!" There should be more audible trash talking during matches in the WWE today, I think. Godfather's in now, and man is he clumsy. He and Boss Man brawl really messily and thankfully decide to tag in their respective partners. D'Lo hits a NINE count of punches in the corner (loving hipster), before whipping Bull to the opposite side of the ring. OH WOW! Buchanan LEAPS onto the top rope in a single bound, turns and levels D'Lo with a flying clothesline. That was great.

Bull presses the advantage with a HARD powerslam. Oh my god, is he good in the ring!? I always thought I remembered him as a lumbering hoss, but he's kicking rear end here. Boss Man is in and drapes D'Lo over the middle rope. 619? Not quite. He and Bull simply run the ropes, slide out of the ring, and punch Brown in the face. That seemed pointless. Buchanan hits a lovely axe kick (as good as Booker's even) but sadly doesn't bust out a headspin. D'Lo gets beaten down for a while and the hoes look bored on the outside. I suppose Godfather hasn't really done much. Thankfully. Buchanan breaks out a bear hug, just in case any of the crowd were excited for the show. Boss Man hits a backbreaker and two of the hoes are chatting and smiling. They should be more worried. The ho next to them has her head in her hands. That's better. Promote her. Bull goes up top but Godfather shakes the ropes and crotches him. He begs D'Lo for the tag but gets ignored, and Brown instead heads up top for a frankensteiner! Nice. Godfather gets the hot tag and is just...awful. He kills any momentum with his very slow comeback, culminating in the Ho Train to Boss Man in the corner. Godfather for some reason tags D'Lo back in (he was on the brink of defeat a minute ago; what an inconsiderate partner), and Brown is almost immediately leveled with a black hole slam equivalent by the Boss Man. Buchanan comes off the top with a HUGE legdrop and that's enough for the three count. YEAHHH!

Winners: Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan 1/5 - This was really ordinary. The only real bright spot was Buchanan, who occasionally busted out some great high risk offense. Godfather was awful. D'Lo and Boss Man were just about good enough to make this okay.

The winners celebrate by menacingly stalking the hoes back up the ramp while Godfather and D'Lo chill on the canvas. Pimpin' ain't easy, you know.

Backstage, Trips and Stephanie are admiring their belts. They talk about how great they are for essentially running the WWF and WrestleMania, and both being champions. That's it.

We now cut to a meeting earlier tonight of the wrestlers competing in the upcoming Hardcore Battle Royal. This is midcard heaven. So many midcarders. I love it. The referees go over the rules of their upcoming match while champion Crash Holly stands there looking smug. The title can change hands an indefinite number of times in the match's 15 minutes, and the man with the belt at the very end of the match will become champion. More of a scramble than a battle royal (as it is billed), but okay.

2. WWF Hardcore Championship Match: 15 Minute Hardcore Battle Royal
Everybody gets their own entrance. Yay. Tazz is out first, having fallen a long way since beating Kurt Angle in under five minutes at the Royal Rumble. Viscera is next, followed by all three members of the Mean Street Posse (Pete Gas, Rodney, and Joey Abs). Hardcore Holly comes out and CRACKS A SMILE!? Wow. Taka and Funaki brandish huge Japanese flags while Mosh and Thrasher...wear cone bras. The depth of gimmicks in the Attitude Era midcard is astounding. The Acolytes are involved too, followed finally by the champ, Crash. He marches down to the ring and dives fearlessly into the fray. Everybody goes after one another, and I'm not sure why they don't all immediately team up on Crash. Surely they can only become champion by pinning him. Everybody spills to the outside apart from Tazz and Crash. The former ECW champ gives Holly a belly-to-belly suplex, and that's immediately enough for the three count. Tazz is announced as the new champion, and everybody seems to be more interested in smashing each other with weapons. That would be great, except I can't focus on any particular spot because THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS MATCH.

Viscera grabs Tazz on the outside and runs with him into a ringpost. That's apparently enough for a three count as well, and now Vis is the champ. Jesus, this match seems to be booked with the sole purpose of making EVERYONE in it less over. The referees raise Viscera's arms (instead of immediately reporting him to the police for trying to splash a pregnant old lady at the previous PPV). Viscera starts smashing people with a Japanese flag while Bradshaw clocks one of the Headbangers with a telephone. #AttitudeEra. The Means Street Posse and Acolytes all team up on Viscera while we get a quick shot of Crash lying on the floor busted WIDE open! How that happened we'll never find out sadly. Because THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS MATCH.

One of the Headbangers goes to work on Hardcore Holly with a badminton racket (of course) while Viscera lumbers among the smaller men, occasionally picking one up to throw aside. He's the current champ; why doesn't he just run away and hide until the time limit is up? Admittedly a man of his size probably can't find a place to hide too easily. I like to imagine him unconvincingly crouching behind a lamppost. Bradshaw lays out everyone. Tazz lays out Bradshaw. Hardcore Holly lays out Viscera. That only gets a two count. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS MATCH? Mosh tries to cover Viscera and the champ presses him off his chest, right onto the referee. That was funny. A timer flashes up informing me that there are TEN WHOLE MINUTES LEFT! Jesus. Some of the competitors begin to trickle back into the ring. Viscera decimates everybody (slowly) with a metal tray, before heading to the top because he has no concept of strategy. He's so slow that the Acolytes have time to hit their finishers on Taka and Funaki before lumbering over to drag him off the turnbuckle.

Faarooq breaks a 2x4 over the champ's back and Bradshaw takes him down with a shoulder block from the top. The Acolytes grab Kaientai's carcasses and drape them over Viscera for the pinfall. Huh? I guess they had hired the APA. Or Bradshaw and Faarooq are just trolling this pointless match. Funaki is announced as the new champ, which angers Taka. He clocks his tag partner and FUNAKI BAILS! HE SCAMPERS UP THE RAMP! YES! Everybody chases after him. THIS is what I was hoping the match would be like. Everybody heads backstage and this looks like something out of The Warriors (especially with everybody's wacky outfits). Rodney of the Mean Street Posse whips Funaki into a miscellaneous piece of backstage equipment and pins him to become the new champ. Joey Abs doesn't like this and takes him down with a suplex on the concrete floor for a pinfall of his own. OH poo poo! The Headbangers ram a trolley into him and start beating the gently caress out of the new champ with metal pipes. They actually look legitimately terrifying. Thrasher whips Joey into a huge steel shutter before pinning him for a reign of his own.

Everybody brawls back onto the ramp and Pete Gas smashes Thrasher with a fire extinguisher (after the obligatory dousing in foam spot). Three count and he is DELIGHTED to be the new champ. Lovely. Tazz cuts that dream short with a few suplexes around ringside, ending with a pinfall of his own. Hardcore and Crash are back on the scene now, Crash's bleeding now less severe (certainly less than Pete Gas' bladejob, which looks to have gone horribly wrong. That's nasty.) Thrasher is now beating Tazz around, and Tazz is kicking out of everything at two. Come on, he did this whole resilience thing at the last PPV and it wasn't compelling at all; what makes you think it'll be really exciting in the middle of this clusterfuck? Crash, Hardcore and Tazz end up in the ring, smacking one another over the head with a trashcan lid. For a moment I'm struck by the futility of it all, in a very Beckettian sense. All three men seem oblivious to (and yet somehow accepting of) the utter pointlessness of the Hardcore Title, yet continue to bludgeon one another in pursuit of it, just as Vladimir and Estragon continue to wait for Godot, not because they want to, not even because they MUST do - simply because they do. Then Bradshaw interrupts my musing by cracking Joey Abs over the head with a cookie tray.

Hardcore Holly launches Crash out of the ring and seriously begins to go to work on Tazz (with ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVES. Dropkicks and everything). Tazz continues to kick out of everything at two, while King points out that there's only a minute left - "Looks like Tazz is going to hang on!". Way to telegraph the ending, Jerry. Just like when Michael Cole yells "NEW CHAMPION!" or "THE STREAK'S OVER!" during a pinfall attempt. Crash is back in now and batters Tazz with several headshots with, yup, another cookie tray. He gets the three count, although Tazz does pretty much kick out on the stroke of three. He just loves loving putting himself over doesn't he? The little jumped up midget bastard. Sorry, these past couple of shows have made me really sick of Tazz and his incessant resilience. Nobody cares if you're the tough guy, okay!? Anyway, Crash is the champ again and TAZZ SLAPS ON THE TAZZMISSION. Crash is fading with 10 seconds left, when suddenly Hardcore leaps into the ring with a candy jar (which nobody thought to use up until this point, apparently). He SHATTERS it over Crash's head (cool spot) and covers him. 1...2...WHAT!?

Alright what the gently caress!? Let's pick the bones out of that finish for a second. As time winds down, Hardcore flies into the ring and lays out Crash (and Tazz) with the candy jar shot. He then covers Crash with around four seconds comfortably left on the clock, the ref counts two...and then doesn't count the three!? Hardcore clearly has Crash pinned for three seconds, Crash doesn't even make a movement to suggest kicking out, but the three is never counted. Then (to make things more confusing) the bell rings to signal the end of the 15 minutes, Crash bails out of the ring and grabs his belt...and then HARDCORE IS ANNOUNCED AS THE WINNER OF THE MATCH!?

Winner and NEW Hardcore Champion: Hardcore Holly DUD/5 - Double dud. This was really atrocious, easily worse than any TNA match I watched back in my old thread (and there were some stinkers). The action was anarchic, but not in an exciting way. More in a plodding, overcrowded, unorganized mess of a way. But all that aside, the finish alone would have reduced a five star match to rubble. My guess is that they originally planned to have Hardcore make the cover with only two seconds left, allowing time to run out and Crash to retain his belt. But Hardcore must have covered the champ too early, the ref utterly poo poo himself and refused to count the three (even though Crash BLATANTLY didn't kick out), and then somebody called a quick audible and had Fink announce Bob as the rightful champ. To make things even more hilarious, Fink sounded pretty unconvinced in his announcement. "...and new Hardcore Champion...Hardcore...Holly."

Crash is already halfway up the ramp with the belt, which forces a ref to chase him down and snatch the championship away from him. Bob is waiting in the ring with a face like thunder. He knows they hosed up. Oh dear. OH THEY SHOW A REPLAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? We see a slow-mo replay of exactly WHERE THEY hosed UP, just in case everybody didn't realise the first time. JR makes things worse by furiously claiming that Crash got a shoulder up. He didn't, Jim. He didn't.

I was planning to watch three matches in part one, but that has utterly sapped my love of wrestling for tonight at least. I'm off to bed. I'll be back soon with part two.

Gah, that was just awful.

Terrible.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:59 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

triplexpac posted:

I've been watching a lot of 1998 ECW, maybe I should start one of these threads for that. Unless it would clutter things up too much.
Go for it dude, by all means. I'd definitely read along.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000


PART 2

Al Snow is backstage with MY BOY Steve Blackman. Al has planned the greatest ring entrance in Wrestlemania history, apparently. Steve is super serious, as always. He's like Lance Storm with nunchucks. And no real wrestling ability. Meanwhile, Trish Stratus leads Test and Albert (or T&A, ahaha) to the ring. The shot actually begins with a closeup of her boobs. Tactful.

3. Head Cheese vs T&A
We last saw Steve Blackman being labelled "boring" by Madison Square Garden. We last saw Al Snow be eliminated by The Rock from that same Rumble. We last saw Test get a surprisingly big face pop at the Rumble, so obviously now he's heel. We last saw Albert helping Big Boss Man beat down Tazz. This has all the ingredients of a CLASSIC.

Al Snow's big entrance surprise is a Latino midget dressed as a wedge of cheese. Blackman is unamused and so am I. It's weird hearing TNA being said so much on commentary; it just sounds wrong coming from Lawler and JR. T&A dominate the opening stages (Test in particular hitting Al Snow with a sick big boot) but I'm distracted by the fact that JR's headset has broken, and Lawler has to call some of the match by himself. He's really bad at play-by-play. Blackman sweeps Albert's legs quite inventively while JR's headset is fixed, and he takes the opportunity to remind us that Albert has dropped the "Prince" from his name. There's an "Artist Formerly Known As" joke in here somewhere, but I can't quite find it. Test dishes out another big boot. He and Blackman may be the most impressive workers on the show so far, entirely by default. Al Snow takes control and begins to beat Albert around, stopping occasionally to knock Test off the apron. Don't anger him, Al, he's like a modern Achilles. The referee tells off Test for some reason and I realise that the man in stripes is none other than Teddy Long! Well well well. I wonder if he's about to bring one of the Brothers of Destruction out to spice things up. Blackman hits a diving headbutt on Albert, and T&A really don't seem as menacing as they should here.

On the outside, meanwhile, Al's cheese mascot is harassing Trish Stratus. JR calls him "a lecherous little son of a gun". Lawler calls him "Chester the molester". Test and Blackman get the tags, and the former begins to clear house. A third big boot (although this one barely gets above Snow's stomach) and a few clotheslines give him the advantage, leading to Al getting spiked with some kind of huge double powerbomb. Blackman breaks up the pinfall attempt and all four men are still in the ring. Get ahold of this, Teddy! Albert goes to the outside finally, and Snow follows him with an Asai moonsault off the apron! Lovely. He dashes back up to the top rope, coming off with a very nice guillotine legdrop on Test. He breaks off the assault to celebrate, allowing Albert to ruin Blackman's pinfall attempt. Oh Al, you awful partner you. Albert hits the Trainwreck or the A-Train...bomb or whatever it's called on Snow. I'm sure that's his finsiher, but Al bounces back to his feet and is clotheslined to the outside. Test leaps out after him to brawl while Blackman and Albert settle things in the ring. Snow seems to be getting the better of Test on the outside, until the big man thinks "gently caress this poo poo, I'm Test" and whips him clean over the barricade. Albert slams Blackman down and Test is on hand to fly from the top with an elbow drop. That gets the three? Okay.

Winners: T&A 0.5/5 - Slowwwwwwwww stuff. Sloppier than the opening tag match, which at least had a sharp performance from Bull Buchanan to save it somewhat. I figured the cheese mascot or Trish would have something to do with the finish, but they served very little purpose. The latter half of this match was greeted with pretty much dead silence from the crowd. Even the pinfall only generated a sort of relief-pop that the match was over.

Al Snow apologises to Blackman in the ring. He thought the cheese guy would be a good idea but he was wrong. He carries the midget into the ring and says "it's time to cut the cheese" before CM Punking him with the microphone. He drags the poor guy to his feet and Blackman runs in with a scissor kick to the torso. Is this a heel turn or what? I'm confused.

Mae Young is backstage with The Kat who is getting ready for her match completely naked for some reason. They do a comedy bit where Mae holds out various items and they conveniently cover Kat's naughty parts. Lawler loses his poo poo.

THANKFULLY this awful start to Wrestlemania is about to be broken, because the next match isssss.....

4. WWF Tag Team Championship Triangle Ladder Match: The Dudley Boyz (c) vs Edge and Christian vs The Hardy Boyz
Edge and Christian bounce out looking fabulous. The Hardys look intense. Oh wait no they don't, not compared to the champs at least. Jesus. Bubba stalks out with a frightening look on his face and screams "YOU ARE GOING TO SEE VIOLENCE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN" into the camera. I suspect he's right. The champs pose on a ladder on the entrance ramp while the Hardy's watch slack-jawed from the ring, allowing E&C to jump them from behind! Out of these three teams, Edge and Christian are comfortably my favourite. As a kid they would have been my least preferred. Funny how that works. Lawler compares the opening of the match to that of the Hardcore Battle Royal from earlier. Blasphemy, although he has a point. There are three brawls going on around ringside, although all three are sharper than anything we've seen so far from the show. Bubba chops the poo poo out of Jeff but Hardy gets revenge with a Whisper in the Wind. It horrifyingly dawns on me that Jeff's shirt has an exposed chest section. Why!? That is a crime against fashion, sir. He is rightfully put in his place with a huge Bubba Bomb while D-Von goes to work on Edge (who perhaps has the nicest attire in the match, if you're asking. He's opted for a natty pair of green tights, and they're just delightful). The first of the ladders is brought into the ring by Christian while the fans chant for "tables, tables, tables". The facetious bastards. Matt hits the first weapon shot of the match, throwing the ladder into Bubba's face. Jeff then hits the Poetry in Motion on a cornered Bubba, while E&C try to copy the Hardys in the opposite corner. D-Von realises that it's Christian flying at him, however, and swats him out of the air with a ladder. The Hardys take control with a few ladder shots, before Matt hits a middle-rope elbow drop on D-Von (on a ladder). It might be more convenient if you just assume that I add "(on a ladder)" to everything towards the end of the match by the way. Things are going to get pretty chaotic in a little while.

Jeff lays Bubba down (on a ladder) and heads up top. I think he's going for the Swanton but he surprises me with a 450 splash attempt, but Bubba is able to roll out of the way! Ouch! OH EVEN WORSE! Bubba gets revenge by hurling himself back-first onto a ladder laid across Jeff. Surely that would hurt him more! Owwww. Now Edge rides a ladder off the top rope onto Matt Hardy (on a ladder). Everybody's doing their best Jackass-style selling, frantically grabbing limbs and writhing around. I think it's quite effective in putting over how much everything could loving HURT in this bout. Bubba wears the ladder on his head and swings around clocking opponents with it, but he's put down with a double dropkick from Edge and Christian. Everybody brawls some more until Christian re-ignites things, diving off the top of a ladder onto Matt and Bubba on the outside. Jeff meanwhile is climbing for the belts, but Edge SPEARS HIM OFF THE LADDER, flying in from the perpendicular turnbuckle! Matt gets revenge for his brother hitting a crucifix bomb! I didn't know he could bust one of those out but it was brutal! D-Von now tries to climb, but Christian simply chucks another ladder at him to end that plan. Christian now tries to climb but Bubba sets up a ladder either side of his, climbs one, and hits the Bubba Cutter! Sadly that spot was a little telegraphed as they moved into position, but it still looked great. The Hardy Boyz come in now and climb a ladder each, dropping tandem splashes/legdrops on Bubba. Xtreme. Christian runs in and HURLS Jeff to the outside! That was a nasty bumb, man! The big spots keep coming as E&C double-superplex D-Von off a ladder! Given the nature of the spots in this match, the fact that pretty much all of them are done without any sloppiness is remarkable.

E&C and the Hardys climb adjacent ladders and reach for the belts, before hitting a pair of big moves on each other as they fall to the canvas. I'm not really sure who hit what; it was all just a mess of hair. Now fall six men climb a group of ladders in the middle of the ring, but the one carrying Jeff and Christian is shoved over and they JUST DISAPPEAR OVER THE TOP ROPE! That was brutal. Bubba hops down and shoves the remaining ladders over too! D-Von leaps to safety, but Edge and Matt find themselves crotched painfully over the top rope! A great sequence, and it leaves the Dudleys alone in the ring while the crowd pops. Christian unwisely crawls back in, and ends up sandwiched between two sets of ladders. The Dudleys continue their assault, hitting Edge with a picture perfect 3D! They are hyped now and GET THE TABLES from under the ring. Three of them actually, one being placed atop two erect ladders in the middle of the ring. The Hardys recover and brawl tiredly with the Dudleys, but there's a bit of a lull in the action right now as tables get set up and shifted around. The arena is expectant.

Matt gets rammed headfirst into the steps, but worse is to come as Bubba drags him onto the Spanish Announce Table. A regular table is set up in front of it as Bubba prepares to powerbomb Matt into oblivion. Meanwhile D-Von has climbed a ladder in the ring and is about to splash Jeff Hardy through a table below him...but Jeff rolls out of the way! Bubba gives a great "...gently caress it" expression, before going through with the powerbomb on Matt. Bubba stalks around to the other side of the ring and snatches up a ladder. He shares a word with the recovering D-Von through the ropes...when Jeff sneak attacks him, running along the guardrail and leaping off...AND BUBBA THROWS THE LADDER INTO HIS FACE! That was sweet! Bubba is bent on destruction now and sets up a huge ladder halfway up the entrance ramp, with a table at its foot. He drags Jeff over by the hair but Chrisian is suddenly back on the scene with the ring bell! He clocks Bubba with it before being dispatched into the guardrail by Jeff, but the damage is done. Bubba is dazed and it allows Jeff to lay him onto the table and scale the ladder himself. AGHHHH! Jeff does that spot we've all seen at one point or another, and it gets no less impressive with repeated viewing. He Swantons himself off the top of the ladder and connects perfectly with Bubba, ending up on a heap on the entrance ramp while the Dudley is left lying in the wreckage of the table. The crowd is understandably elated.

With Bubba and Jeff now understandably out of the match, D-Von, Christian, and Matt Hardy scrap it out in the ring. I'm not sure where Edge is. Matt hits the Twist of Fate on D-Von and begins to climb to the makeshift table-platform the Dudleys put up there earlier. Christian follows suit and...oh here's Edge! E&C use a good ol' pincer movement on Matt, surrounding him in the middle of the platform. Edge grabs the unsuspecting Hardy from behind and flips him off the side, sending him crashing through a table below! The coast is clear for the surviving pair to grab a belt each and win the match! Hooray!

Winners and NEW WWF Tag Team Champions: Edge and Christian 4.5/5 - A legendary, incredible match. There's a reason this has gone down in WrestleMania folklore and it's aged very well too, even among the current era of Money in the Bank matches and so on. It's not just the big spots that make this great though; the match is actually structured very well too. I love the story of the Hardys and Dudleys pulling off increasingly crazy poo poo on one another until it eventually leaves E&C with the numbers advantage. The standout performer here was Jeff Hardy, closely followed by Bubba, but everybody had a standout moment in truth. Edge's spearing of Jeff off the ladder was particularly great (although nothing touches Jeff's huge Swanton in terms of spectacle and carnage).

The new champs look loving triumphant (and half-broken) atop the table platform as they hoist their belts in the air. They've pretty much saved the show after a lackluster opening. Let's hope the next match can keep it going...

...or maybe not.

5. Cat Fight Match: Terri vs The Kat (Special Guest Referee Val Venis)
Val is out first and has rejected the traditional referee attire, instead wearing a striped towel around his crotch and a black vest that says "I AM COCKED". Of course. Oh, the camera pans around to the back to reveal the slogan "LOCKED AND READY TO UNLOAD". Good. Oh no, somebody thought it would be good to let him cut a promo. Oh dear lord. He makes several comparisons between himself and Wrestlemania. They're both big, etc. But the one difference is: "Wrestlemania only comes once a year. The Big Valbowski comes every single night." Ugh, I just shuddered involuntarily. Some girls in the crowd seem to love it, screaming their approval. YOU LOVE IT DO YOU? YOU LOVE VAL VENIS' SEMEN ALL UP IN YOUR VICINITY EVERY NIGHT!? I am outraged. Luckily the competitors are out now. Terri is accompanied by Moolah while Kat has Mae in her corner. Terri is wearing ludicrously see-through pants. Kat has one-upped her with a ludicrously see-through everything. Terri flirts with Val for a little bit to perhaps gain an advantage. Val keeps on licking his thumb by the way. Stop licking your thumb, Val! The two ladies get into a shoving contest and the bell rings. We're underway.

I should point out that the Cat Fight apparently does have a specific rule: the winner is the first person to throw her opponent out of the ring. I guess the WWF didn't trust either of these two to properly execute a pinfall sequence, and I'm not sure I can blame them. The pair proceed to...well...cat fight around for a little while. Val drags Terri off The Kat and she kisses him as he lifts her away. He responds passionately for a few seconds before dropping her under The Kat's glare. She has a go instead, and I'm tempted to believe that Val was in charge of booking this match. Are they going to take turns giving him back-rubs next? The two continue to "brawl" I suppose, while Val is suddenly distracted by Mae young attempted to reveal herself on the apron. He stops her (good man), but Kat tosses Terri out of the ring while his back is turned! Moolah rolls Terri back in before he can realise and she tackles Kat to the canvas, slapping her around a bit. Mae chases Moolah into the ring and Val has to sort this poo poo out. I feel slightly sorry for him now. OH MAN I REALLY DO NOW, as Mae forces a kiss upon him as he tries to usher her out of the ring. Again Kat throws Terri to the floor, but again Mae has the referee distracted. You really are the worst manager ever, Mae. Moolah drags Kat out by her feet and helps Terri back in. Val finally breaks free of Mae's clutches and turns around to see Terri alone in the ring. She's declared the winner.

Winner: Terri DUD/5 - I don't feel it necessary to explain why this sucked. Sadly all the momentum from the ladder match is dead and gone. If you're an optimist I suppose you could view this as the "give the crowd a breather" match, but they've really only had about twenty minutes of quality wrestling out of the opening five matches anyway.

Mae jumps Moolah and Terri as they celebrate and knocks them both down. Moolah falls into the corner where she's hit with...ugh...Mae's Bronco Buster. Kat is in too and rips the pants off Terri leaving her in a thong. In fairness, she should be more pissed with Mae. She basically cost her the match twice, although I doubt the crowd would be cheering as loudly if she was disrobing Miss Young.

Let's have a break there (it won't be as long as the last one, I promise) while we catch our bearings. A boring match, a classic, and a...whatever that was. The first half of WrestleMania 2000 hasn't really gone as well as I was hoping. Let's hope it picks up in parts three and four.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:59 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

Castomira posted:

I also hated that neither Lillian Garcia nor the chyrons ever literally said "Head Cheese."
Lawler and JR did briefly mention that Al Snow would love for the team to be officially known as Head Cheese, but the impression given was that Blackman was having none of that poo poo.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Sorry for the double-post but it needs to be said. Whoever is responsible for the avatar and text, THANK YOU! I am laughing my rear end off. :D

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000


PART 3

The Radicalz have a team talk backstage prior to their 6-man tag match tonight (Benoit is absent for whatever reason). New Light Heavyweight champion Malenko tries to get everybody to focus but Eddie is smitten with Chyna. Saturn yells at him to concentrate, saying "YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY GOOD LOOKING GUY IN THIS GROUP!". This is the second time in as many PPVs that Saturn has unwittingly had me in fits of laughter. He's like an orange Scott Steiner. The camera shifts to the faces' dressing room, where they're WATCHING THE RADICALZ' INTERVIEW ON A MONITOR! More wrestlers should do that to get one-up on their opponents. I also wonder why so many heels are often willing to let cameramen into their top-secret team talks. Chyna exclaims that Eddie is gross.

6. The Radicalz vs Too Cool and Chyna
It does seem that Too Cool have downgraded a little bit here from Rikishi to Chyna. I wonder why the big man is absent from WrestleMania. A quick scan of Wikipedia informs me that he's on later in the card (as is Benoit), AND I managed to avoid any spoilers. Bonus. Eddie tries his best smoldering look as Chyna makes her entrance, before slowly taking off his vest in front of her. That might work if she weren't about the same size as you, Eddie, maybe even a touch bigger. Eddie and Scotty have a frantic opening exchange which Mr 2 Hotty gets the best of, nailing Guerrero with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before moonwalking over to tag in Chyna. Eddie scoots away immediately on his knees and tags in Malenko. Eddie is getting quite a lot of heat here; there's a very audible "Eddie sucks" chant. Chyna takes control of Malenko as JR baffles me by saying "Boy look at that attire Chyna is wearing. She looks HOT!". Is he ironically mocking King? He sounds serious. Call the action, Jim. Sexay and Chyna take Malenko over with a double vertical suplex before the Grandmaster urges his female partner to copy his shoulder-shuffling dance. She's bad at it. Oh dear. Eddie's in now and Grandmaster takes him down before looking to fly from the top...but "Big" Perry "The Enforcer" Saturn shoves him off. The Radicalz charge the ring now and Saturn steals Sexay's do-rag in the melee. He puts it on, the playful bastard. Except he wears a constantly stern expression throughout. Honestly, my love of Perry Saturn is growing with every segment or match I see him in. Aw, he took it off. :( I've also noticed that Sexay has a lovely natural hair colour, kind of a chestnut brown. Why does he hide it all the time?

Eddie takes control now, backdropping Scotty right onto the top rope before throwing another expression of pure erotica at Chyna. I'm not sure how she can resist. Ugh, Lawler shut up. "She's starting to perspire, to get moist". Diabolical. Eddie gyrates in the direction of Sexay who tries to charge the ring but the ref stops that, allowing Guerrero to grab Chyna by the hair and smash her head into the turnbuckle! So dastardly! Grandmaster gets revenge for her with a vertical suplex from the apron, dropping Eddie to the outside. He and Scotty then get the better of the remaining Radicalz inside the ring, leaving them prone in position for a double Worm! Oh Jesus, Scotty has realised this too and is wearing the look of a man about three seconds away from jizzing everywhere. He nails the Worm on both men before turning his attention to the returning Eddie. Guerrero grabs the ref for safety, allowing the other Radicalz to drag Scotty from the ring and throw him over the barrier, like a pair of nightclub bouncers dismissing a drunk teen from the premises. The referee doesn't allow an Eddie/Chyna confrontation to occur, which is a shame, but Perry Saturn restores my good mood with a massive elbow drop on Scotty. He got surprising air on that. Scotty finally gets out of trouble with a tag to Chyna while Eddie is the legal Radical. The Latino runs for cover and Malenko and Saturn step in to protect him...but Chyna takes both down with a double clothesline!

Eddie crawls between her legs and dashes for cover, leaving Malenko and Saturn to eat a big bodyslam each from the Ninth Wonder. She then drops to her knees and hits a tandem low blow on either Radical, while the referee is just having a casual conversation with Too Cool in their corner. Terrible officiating mate. Terrible. She also hit her stupid handspring elbow move in the corner on both men, which I HATE. Eddie puts a stop to the fun by flooring her with a very cheap shot. He sets up for a powerbomb and pauses to gyrate the hips for a while, giving Chyna time to reverse the move and hit a powerbomb of her own! Eddie no-sells that poo poo and runs at her...and Chyna grabs him by the unmentionables! REFEREE! He's right there and does NOTHING! Chyna plants Eddie with a gorilla press and a sleeper-hold slam kinda deal, which is enough to get the three count (to a big pop).

Winners: Too Cool and Chyna 2/5 - A decent match here, one dampened slightly by some baffling refereeing and perhaps an underwhelming finishing sequence (Chyna's final move wasn't the most impactful). Generally good work from everybody though, especially the always animated Eddie, who's quite obviously great at drawing heat from the crowd.

We see a clip of Angle putting Bob Backlund in the Crossface Chickenwing on an episode of Heat, pissed off at Backlund's decision to have him defend BOTH of his titles at 'Mania.

Angle is now backstage, very politely asking the head of security to perhaps provide him with a little extra security when he celebrates in the crowd following his inevitable win in an upcoming match. Magnificent heeling.

7. WWF Intercontinental and WWF European Championship Two Fall Match: Kurt Angle (c)(c) vs Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit
Jericho gets a huge pop upon entering. He welcomes us all to "WRESTLEMANIA...IS...JERICHO" and hypes the match (and himself, of course), calling Kurt and Benoit "Kurt Angel" and "Mr Roboto" respectively. Benoit and Angle follow with decidedly less fanfare; it seems as though Jericho is fully babyface by this stage. Benoit jumps Angle on the outside and rolls him in. The three brawl (with a surprising lack of fluidity) for a while before Jericho backflips out of a Benoit suplex attempt and dropkicks him out of the ring. He looks to take advantage of Angle's slow start but the Olympic Hero is able to stall until Benoit returns. Jericho doesn't seem to mind, and does his unique turnbuckle dropkick to knock both off the apron. He follows them to the outside, but is hit with a backdrop by Angle into the ring steps. Ouch. They work their way back into the ring while Lawler grills JR on why he hates Angle so much. "He's a very clean cut young man" says Jim, "but his favourite subject is himself." King makes the excellent point that Jericho isn't exactly the most selfless person in the world, but gets cut off when Benoit shoves Y2J off the top rope into the edge of the announce table. The Wolverine hits a snap suplex on Angle and gets a near fall (this first fall being for the Intercontinental Title, I believe).

The three continue to exchange suplexes and near-falls, but it's all fairly normal. I think I came into this match with overly-lofty expectations. There's nothing WRONG with any of it, it's just not starting any fires. Angle whips Benoit into a corner atop which Jericho is perched. Y2J tries a sunset flip, but Benoit instead hooks his legs and is only denied a three count by an Angle dropkick to the spine. That was slick. The match really starts to shift gears now as Angle and Jericho expertly exchange a series of holds, before Angle works his way around the back and slaps on the Crossface Chickenwing! The ref raises Jericho's hand twice, but Benoit makes a timely intervention to prevent Angle from winning the fall. Benoit pretty ruthlessly drags Kurt out of the ring and dispatches him into the laps of a few lucky fans. The Rabid Wolverine is free to hit the Diving Headbutt on a barely conscious Jericho and collect the first title up for grabs!

Winner and NEW WWF Intercontinental Champion: Chris Benoit

Angle is distraught and only just makes it into the ring in time to break up Benoit's second pinfall attempt. He knocks down Benoit and heads to the top. Maybe he's going to hit that GORGEOUS moonsault! Awww, Jericho ruins that idea by crotching the Olympian up top. These three are now fighting for the European title, by the way. I wonder why the less prestigious belt of the two is being competed for in the latter fall. It's not a huge issue though, as Benoit now crotches Jericho right up there next to Angle. The Wolverine hits a back superplex on Jericho, leaving both men down on the canvas. Angle flies with his moonsault and it's BEAUTIFUL! Sadly it never, EVER connects, and both opponents are able to roll out of the way. Everybody takes a moment to recover, before Jericho ducks a wild right hand from Kurt and sets him up for the WALLS! Benoit breaks it up, however, and goes to work on Y2J. He seems to really have had Jericho's number for most of this match. I wonder if that's something they were deliberately going for. Perhaps not, as Jericho decapitates him with a spinning heel kick before hooking up Angle for a double powerbomb! The crowd are molten for him, but Benoit is back with a trio of German suplexes. The third is a bridging pinfall attempt, and Angle only JUST breaks it up at two! This match has really stepped it up in these last few stages. Aghh the momentum is killed slightly as Benoit attempts a bridging dragon/tiger suplex (I always mix the two up; whichever looks like a German but with a sleeper hold grip) and it's really sloppy. The referee counts two even though Angle's shoulders are clearly not down, and JR helpfully points out that it's the same ref who made a hash of the ending of the Hardcore Battle Royal. It's Tim White, and he is having a NIGHTMARE. His day gets even worse as Jericho accidentally clatters into him.

Jericho turns straight into the Crippler Crossface, and almost immediately taps! What a bitch! There's no ref to register the fall, however, and Benoit is livid. He tries to rouse the official, before turning straight into the Walls of Jericho! He holds on slightly longer before tapping, but Kurt puts a stop to it anyway with a huge belt shot to Jericho's FACE. Just his big smug FACE. Angle covers Jericho near the apron, and Benoit has to scoot around two sides of the ring to drag Y2J to safety just in time. Kurt and Benoit exchange tired rights in the ring before Angle is nailed with a nice back suplex. He goes up top for the Headbutt, but Angle rolls out of the way with a split second to spare! Excellent timing. Jericho shows great opportunism, scrambling into the ring and nailing the Lionsault on Benoit. Before anybody can realise what's happened he's the new European champ!

Winner and NEW WWF European Champion: Chris Jericho 3.5/5 - After a very underwhelming start a great match emerged. Angle in particular was magnificent, acting both as the glue that held everything together and hitting some big spots of his own. I imagine that they're getting the belts off him to prepare for a push into the main event scene, while placing the straps on a couple of hot stars they wish to elevate further. Very smart booking. Good job everyone!

Angle is devastated and stays in the ring long after both new champs have departed (waving their gold in his face as they leave), whining and pleading to anybody who'll listen.

8. Degeneration X vs Rikishi and Kane
Tori accompanies X Pac and Road Dogg, while Bearer walks his monstrous charge down to the ring. Rikishi's entrance is accompanied by JR's assurance that he has "The worlds most challenging cheeks...and he WILL back that rear end up." Has somebody been slipping Jim alcohol? He's especially vulgar tonight. Tori slaps Bearer at ringside and he stalks her menacingly around the ring. DX go to work on Rikishi, meanwhile, shredding the poor lei of flowers around his neck. Kane immediately goozles Tori on the outside, forcing X Pac to leave the ring and save her. This allows Rikishi to dominate Road Dogg, squashing him in the corner before hitting an immediate Stink Face! Well that was quick. Tori has found herself in the ring with Rikishi thanks to her lengthily retreat from Kane (the things we wouldn't do to avoid an ex, amiriteyouguys?), forcing X Pac to save her again, probably from an inevitable Stink Face. DX decide they've had quite enough of this poo poo, and begin to make their way up the entrance ramp. Yeah, gently caress WrestleMania guys. You've got better things to do. Kane and Rikishi follow them up the aisle and begin a beatdown. Back in the ring and suddenly X Pac gets his second wind, dropping Rikishi with a few kicks and hitting the Bronco Buster. Road Dogg is in now and he hits his dancing punches AND the crazy knees thing. Everybody's getting their spots in early here; I wonder what's going to happen.

X Pac kicks Rikishi around for a little while, but the big Samoan counters with a big fallaway slam and makes the hot tag to Kane (after doing a pointless forward roll to the corner, because he's playful I guess). Kane deals with Road Dogg before turning his attention to his nemesis. Pac is clotheslined in the corner and loses his footing. Could we see another Stink Face? X Pac manages to bail out of the ring as Rikishi slowly backs up, but he manages instead to catch Road Dogg running in with a sick superkick. That made a great sound. Bearer rolls Tori into the ring and Kane goozles her...before chucking her HARD into the corner. Rikishi finally does execute a second Stink Face, before Kane drills X Pac with the Tombstone for an easy three count.

Winners: Rikishi and Kane 1.5/5 - A pretty entertaining match, but really nothing more than a squash. A nice feel-good revenge win for Kane here, although his initial loss at No Way Out was more memorable I think, simply because the match was better (and had a more blood-feud feel to it with the stipulation). Backwards booking perhaps, but still entirely passable wrestling.

Too Cool come down to join in the celebrations. I'm not sure if Kane's going to play along. The San Diego Chicken runs out as well, leading JR and King to believe it's Pete Rose in disguise (this being WrestleMania and a Kane match, of course). Too Cool pop the sunglasses on Rikishi and everybody is really excited to see some dancing. Hey guys, remember when he betrayed you both at the Royal Rumble in a heartless display of selfishness? Just checking. The Too Cool music hits and everybody busts a move (besides Kane and Bearer, sadly). Kane backs the chicken into the corner and looks for the Chokeslam, but it turns out not to be Pete Rose after all. The real Pete Rose slides into the ring and looks to blindside Kane with a baseball bat, only for Rikishi to snatch it out of his grasp on the backswing. Kane hits him with a big Chokeslam and Bearer throws up several DX "suck it"s for some reason. Too Cool drag Rose into a corner and Rikishi hits the third Stink Face of the night (which is far too many). Unlike struggling like most people, Rose pretends to be knocked unconscious from the Chokeslam. It makes the Stink Face all the more disturbing to be honest. Bearer gives Scotty an adorable high five before Kane ignites his pyro. Too Cool kind of stand there looking scared at all the flames and dimmed lights. Haha, they try to dance to his theme music with only partial success.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:59 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
WrestleMania 2000 - April 2nd 2000


PART 4

It's almost main event time, so let's go over why each contestant is here. Triple H is the champion. He has Steph in his corner because she's his wife. That's fair enough. The Rock is here because he won the Rumble, and Vince is in his corner because he's defending him from Trips and Stephanie's "McMahon-Helmsley regime". Big Show is here because he's the ACTUAL Rumble winner dammit! Shane's his manager. He also helped Show get into this match by WAFFLING The Rock with a steel chair at No Way Out. It was seriously sweet. I don't know why Foley is here and I am angry that he is, mainly because his retirement at No Way Out was so poignant and perfect. It needed no further twists. Linda reinstated him to the WWF and placed him in this match because she's essentially a walking deus ex machina, so she's in his corner. And what could be better than a McMahon in every corner!? Focusing on the wrestlers, you say? Nahhhh.

The huge dude from The Green Mile is at ringside and is way more psyched than any of the competitors. He screams his support for The Rock into the camera, but also gives Foley a friendly shove as he makes his way down to the ring. N'aww. JR explains that "Linda McMahon brought Mick Foley back because IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!". He doesn't say anything concrete or logical, but we'll overlook that. Big Show's out looking like the Big Show. The loudest reaction of course belongs to Rocky, but it just looks bizarre having him stalk down the ramp alongside Vince. Triple H and Stephanie are out looking MEAN. Even if I knew nothing of wrestling beyond the PPVs in this thread, I'd probably still buy Triple H as a huge badass after those two matches with Foley. JR calls Stephanie egotistical for bringing her Women's title to ringside with her. I'm not sure I follow that logic, Jim. Don't champions carry their titles pretty much everywhere?

9. WWF Championship Fatal Four Way Elimination Match: Triple H (c) vs Mick Foley vs Big Show vs The Rock
The two feuding pairs immediately go after one another, which makes sense. Foley beats down The Game in one corner and blasts him with a running knee, but both are dropped by a Big Show double clothesline soon after. He gives the Rock and Triple H huge gorilla presses and is dominating the early going. Triple H comes off the top (quite a rarity) with a flying nothing, and almost finds himself chokeslammed by Show. Foley breaks it up with a boot to the groin however, and all three smaller men team up on the big man. They all have a go at clotheslining him off his feet and of course it's the Rock who is finally able to topple Show. Shane looks worried We'll occasionally get a reaction shot from one of the McMahons like we're in a bad TV drama. Foley clotheslines himself and Triple H to the outside. He finds a chair out there and drives it into the champ's ribs, while the Rock and Show battle it out inside the ring. We get our first bit of McMahon interference as Shane grabs Rock's leg as he runs the ropes. He jumps up on the apron to yell at the Brahma Bull, and Rocky draws huge cheers by clocking him with a right hand. Foley simultaneously smacks Show's spine with a chairshot through the ropes, forcing him to stagger forward right into THE ROCK BOTTOM! 1...2...3!

Elimination #1: Big Show (by The Rock)

Well he didn't last very long. He still has the pride of being the REAL Rumble winner to comfort him. I know you won that match Show! A heard of referees come out to usher Show to the back but he's not done. He jabs a finger in Vince's face and says "You son of a bitch, this isn't over!". Now I dislike Vince McMahon as much as the next man, but he had literally nothing to do with Show's elimination. Triple H realises he's outmatched by the faces now, and tries to bargain with Mick to team up against the Rock. That doesn't work, so he instead propositions Rocky. The Rock seemingly agrees, and the Game proves he's not THAT cerebral by turning his back on the People's Champ...and getting socked for his naivety. The faces play heel-tennis with Triple H, who JR brands "the soon to be former champion". The three brawl on the outside for a while, and Foley reverses a Triple H whip, sending the champ right into a hard clothesline from The Rock. Foley snatches the ring bell and tosses it to Rocky, before holding Trips in place...but of course the Game ducks, and Rocky accidentally nails his former tag partner with the bell! He turns right into a clothesline from Triple H and THE COMEBACK IS ON! Triple H sends the Rock into the ring steps and both challengers lie in a heap on the floor. For all his flaws and unlikable characteristics, Triple H is really good at looking like a badass sometimes. He never forgets to sell either. We get a brief shot of Linda urging Mick to his feet, and she has been easily the least vocal of the four McMahons so far.

Out of nowhere, Foley somehow has the barbed wire wrapped 2x4. Triple H retreats into the ring and backs away terrified, but is able to duck Mick's swing and hit a low blow. The champ now has the 2x4 and gets one shot in on Foley's abdomen, before the Rock reenters the ring to save the day. Triple H sends him over the top to the outside where Lawler fears he may have landed on the barbed wire. He actually landed on the remnants of Rikishi's lei, which it seems nobody bothered to clean up. Suddenly Foley nails the champ with the Double Arm DDT! Cover him you idiot! Mick instead goes for Mr Socko and clamps on the Mandible Claw. We haven't really seen enough of that move in this thread, but the champ is stuck in it now with seemingly no escape in sight. Foley actually releases it voluntarily, allowing the Rock to steam in and clock Trips with his own championship belt. The Rock sets up for the People's Elbow...but FOLEY CLAMPS ON THE MANDIBLE CLAW! So cunning! Rocky squirms but Triple H (for some reason) breaks up the submission with a double low blow from his knees (the same move we saw Chyna do earlier. They must teach it at DX training camp).

Vince sneakily slides a chair in the ring for the Rock, but the People's Champ kicks everybody's as without it until Foley ends his momentum with a clothesline. They work a nice sequence of reversals until Foley catches him with the Double Arm DDT! 1...2...but Rock uses PPV RESILIENCY to kick out of the finisher! The Rock's PPV resiliency capacity must be off the charts tonight, especially as it's WrestleMania AND he's the major babyface. Nearing Cena levels. Foley charges the Rock with Vince's chair, but the Brahma Bull gets a boot up to kick it back in his face. DDT to Foley gets a two count. Foley now suggests joining forces with Triple H which the Game accepts, and they beat around the Rock for a while. I love this booking actually. This is Mick's last shot at the title and he's willing to do anything to get the title. Triple H is of course slimy enough to strike a deal with anybody if it gives him the edge. They grind Rock down on the outside until he summons the strength to send Mick careering into the ring steps. Nobody takes a steps bump like Foley. Linda has to run for cover as the hardcore legend goes flying. The Rock now lays into the Game but Foley is back with the steps held above his head, and he CLOCKS Rocky with them.

Foley and Triple H regain control and beat Rock down onto the Spanish announce table. The Game convinces Foley to drop an elbow from the top rope and Mick is stupid enough to oblige...except he gets NOWHERE NEAR THE ROCK and crushes his own ribs on the edge of the table! Ughhhhhh that must have hurt like hell. Triple H tries to save the spot with a couple of big elbow drops from one announce table to the other. They were ugly but quite impressive in a brutal sort of way. Anyway the table finally succumbs and the Rock looks to be on his last legs. The champ drags the weakened Foley back in the ring and hits the Pedigree, but MICK KICKS OUT! PPV RESILIENCY, EVERYONE. Maybe it's an energy drink. Triple H engages in one of his favourite pastimes and shoves Earl Hebner to the mat. Trips isn't loving around now and clocks Foley with a chairshot, before Pedigreeing him down onto the chair. Linda acts poorly from the sidelines, but even her cries of "come on Mick" can't save Foley from elimination.

Elimination #2: Mick Foley (by Triple H)

Some fans unfurl a very well timed "THANK YOU MICK FOLEY" banner (I love how they knew he wasn't going to win as much as everyone else), and he crawls out of the ring into another retirement. Maybe this one will last longer than a couple of weeks, eh? Foley raises his arms as he leaves, although the moment is kind of ruined by the fact that he has to walk to the back alongside Linda. Oh wait, he's not done! With a vengeful look, Foley storms back to the ring and snatches up the 2x4. Lawler hilariously says "This guy un-retires more times than..." but is cut off as Mick smashes Triple H with the weapon, leaving the champ down in the middle of the ring. He deperts heroically as the Rock crawls into a cover...but the Game kicks out at two! The Rock takes things outside (with the guy from Green Mile hilariously roaring on his encouragement. I think he said "DEAD THAT SUCKA") and drags the champ all the way to the top of the ramp, nailing him with a vertical suplex on the hard floor. The Rock beats him through a section of the crowd all the way back to ringside and attempts to finish him with a set of ringsteps...but Triple H grabs the timekeeprs chair and waffles the steps back into his face! Rock collapses under the weight of the steps and Triple H goes nuts with the chair for a while with the Rock pinned underneath. OH poo poo! Triple H pulls off perhaps the best spot of the match so far, piledriving Rocky on top of the steps! He STILL only gets two.

The Rock battles bravely back with rights, before backdropping Triple H to the floor (where he lands nastily). The Rock smacks Trips with a single right, sending him up and over the crowd barrier. They battle pointlessly into the crowd, and pointlessly all the way back to ringside. AHAHAH! A fan wearing a ludicrous hat screams at Triple H and he swipes the headgear away. That was brilliant, petty, CM Punk style heeling. Rock hits a spinebuster now, and even though this does have quite a big-match feel it's plodding along by this point. They really should have just booked these two in the main event; no Foley or Show, and absolutely no McMahons. The Rock reignites my enthusiasm by hitting a beautiful vertical suplex on Triple H, demolishing JR and Lawler's poor table. They stagger back to their feet and Triple H drop-toeholds Rock into more ringsteps. Honestly the steps have played more of a central role in this match than Big Show.

Ohhh no. Here's where all the bullshit starts. Vince grabs Triple H and launches him into the ringpost before sticking a few boots in. Suddenly Shane is back out and he floors his father from behind. OOOH he smashes Vince in the head with a TV monitor from the wreckage of the announce table. That was good, but Vince now battles back and they both end up brawling on the floor. It all looks quite pathetic. Luckily our focus shifts back to the ring...only kidding! Shane grabs a chair and brains his dad with it (he IS good at delivering charishots to be fair), before faking a shot at Green Mile dude who is incredibly angry at ringside. The Rock is now back up and laying into the champ with rights. He hits a DDT followed by a powerslam (delivered so vertically it almost resembles a Tombstone). Triple H kicks out of everything though, and Shane is back in the ring with his chair. Nobody is sure who he's going to hit, but it doesn't seem to matter as the Rock accidentally slingshots Triple H right into him. Rock Bottom to the champ! But the Rock is too tired to make the cover, aghhh. Shane is back up and readies the chair again...oh for gently caress's sake. Vince runs back down, all busted open, and punches his son in the dick. He cuffs Shane around the head and it somehow sends him over the top rope (not sure about the physics on that one) before readying the chair to blast Triple H with it...and he instead smacks the Rock.

Swerve city bitch.

Stephanie is as shocked as anybody as Triple H covers the champ, but Rocky kicks out yet again. Vince is angry and clocks him again, and finally that's enough to end this match. I am exhausted and pissed off.

Elimination #3: The Rock (by Triple H)

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: Triple H 2/5 - This should really have a lower score than it does (for obvious clusterfucky reasons) but I can't overlook the brilliant work put in by the Rock and Triple H. Foley was good too, and although the Big Show wasn't in for very long he also did his job well. These four were denied a potential classic by the lovely booking, however, and the insistence of the McMahons to place themselves at the heart of every major storyline (a topic which has reemerged in the run up to Summerslam). It's a disappointing end to a disappointing WrestleMania in all honesty, despite an excellent performance by the final two guys in the match.

Vince and a shocked Stephanie embrace in the ring while litter showers down around them, WCW style. Shane hobbles into the ring and he and Vince argue slightly about the beating they put on one another. The Rock has no time for such family quarrels and storms back down to the ring in a fit of anger. Rock Bottom to Shane. Rock Bottom to Vince. Stephanie argues STUPIDLY with the Rock and slaps him across the face. You idiot. I think Triple H has wisely gotten out of dodge with his belt, so there's nobody to stop Rock delivering a third Rock Bottom to Stephanie. He prepares the People's Elbow...oh there's Triple H! Rock knocks him off the apron before completing the move, but I'm not really sure if it's a good enough consolation.

The heels win the main event of WrestleMania. There is no Santa.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 02:00 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
WRESTLEMANIA 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
The Dudley Boyz vs Edge and Christian vs The Hardy Boyz - I don't really need to explain why. Didn't have much competition either, with only Angle/Benoit/Jericho pushing it anywhere near close. A thrilling, groundbreaking match.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Jeff Hardy - Brilliant and death-defying.
2. Bubba Ray Dudley - The other centerpiece of the Ladder match. Dished out and received masses of punishment.
3. Kurt Angle - Didn't put a foot wrong in the best technical match on the card. A great heel too.
4. Matt Hardy - Looked great being thrown through things. Performed consistently.
5. Triple H - The main event's one saving grace. Constantly good psychology and storytelling amid the chaos.

A case could also be made for the remaining men in the ladder match (Edge, Christian, and D-Von) as well as Jericho and Benoit. The Rock came good in the main event as well, although I felt Triple H was very slightly better. Eddie stood out in his match too. Everybody else was painfully average to atrocious.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Triple H - 10

2. Mick Foley - 9

3. Jeff Hardy - 8

4. Kurt Angle - 6

5. Bubba Ray Dudley - 4

6. The Rock - 2
Christian - 2
Matt Hardy - 2

7. Rikishi - 1
Kane - 1

WRESTLEMANIA 2000 SCORE: 5/10
An awful card saved by two matches. The tag title match was superb, as everybody knows, while the main event was a huge let down from a booking perspective. The wrestling itself was fine but it dragged on way too long and was filled with McMahon bullshit. Angle, Benoit, and Jericho came good and put on the only other impressive bout. The various tag matches on the card ranged from mediocre (T&A vs Head Cheese) to pretty good (Radicalz vs Too Cool and Chyna), but none of them were really lived up to WrestleMania standard. The Cat Fight was nothing more than lovely filler, while the Hardcore Battle Royal was legitimately one of the worst matches I've ever seen. A letdown overall, disrupted by occasional flashes of brilliance.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Backlash - April 30th 2000 - Washington, D.C.


PART 1

It's time for everybody's favourite WrestleMania fallout show. It's just dawned on me that this was a really lovely period for the WWF in terms of posters. They've all been pretty unimaginative so far, with this perhaps being the best of a bad bunch (just because of the eye-catching colour scheme).

There's a brief pre-show hype video detailing the rise of the Mcmahon-Helmsley regime (with Vince and Shane fully behind Stephanie and Triple H now), and various beatdowns of The Rock. Vince will be in HHH's corner in their match at the culmination of tonight's PPV, while Rock has a pretty substantial equalizer in the form of the returning Stone Cold Steve Austin. :D

Debra is out to act as guest ring announcer for the opener, and I'd struggle to think of a worse choice. She has an incredibly grating voice.

1. WWF Tag Team Championship: Edge and Christian (c) vs Degeneration X
Quite an odd heel vs heel tag match here, although I expect E&C to be slight crowd favourites after their show-stealing match at WrestleMania. I didn't mention this in the previous show, but Billy Gunn has been completely replaced by X Pac as Road Dogg's primary partner it seems. Something must have happened between No Way Out and 'Mania; I'm not even sure if he's part of the stable anymore. It seems like a ploy to pair the incredibly unpopular Pac with the incredibly popular Road Dogg in the hope that some overness rubs off. Edge and Christian come out of the crowd, which is always cool.

We immediately get an "X Pac sucks" chant. Road Dogg looks exasperated. Edge and Pac start off with a lightning fast exchange of holds which the challenger wins, and he wastes no time in telling Edge to suck it. The crowd hate this. The pair in the ring do the ol' rope-running leapfrog thing, which Edge puts a stop to with a nice spinning heel kick. X Pac is knocked to the floor (ending up all the way between the two announce tables) and Road Dogg joins him to help recuperate. Pac gets back in the ring, but only to spit at Edge before tagging in his partner. Edge nails a headscissors takedown before tagging in Christian, and they steal the Hardys' Poetry in Motion (with a crossbody splash instead of Jeff's usual kick thing). Christian hits a big powerslam on the returning X Pac and goes up to hit ten punches in the corner, but Road Dogg dashes along the apron to bounce his head HARD off the top rope! Pac follows it up with a massive clothesline, and this match is warming up nicely. Christian is thrown to the outside where Road Dogg whips him into the steps, although he barely moves them, the lightweight. Not a patch on the ring-bump connoisseurs of Foley and Mark Henry. Road Dogg and Christian end up as the legal men, and momentum is with the challengers.

Christian fights his way over to make the tag to Edge, but X Pac runs in to distract the ref just as it occurs. He refuses to allow the tag and the dastardly DX stomp a mudhole in Christian in their corner. Tori even gets in a choke from her position outside the ring (oh by the way, Tori is there. Did I mention Tori was there?). Christian suffers the Bronco Buster before Road Dogg tags in to kick him in the spine a couple of times. Ouch. The champ hits his two signature spots, the dancing punches and the crazy knee drop. It says a lot about Road Dogg that those two moves are way more well known than his finisher, which I THINK is some kind of pumphandle slam. Maybe we'll see it later on! Edge has to come in to break up the pinfall because it looks as though those knees would totally have ended Christian's night. Weaaaak. Road Dogg whips him into the ropes and the pair collide with simultaneous crossbody attempts! The pair struggle to their respective corners but X Pac comes in to drag Christian back. The ref doesn't like this and moves to stop him, allowing Edge to fly from the top with a diving headbutt on Road Dogg! Stepping slightly outside of his moveset there; I like it.

DX regain control and try to double team Christian with a suplex, but he backflips out and hits a double reverse DDT. The tag is FINALLY made and Edge comes in to try and clear house. He hits a few right hands on either man, before catching X Pac's attempted leapfrog and SPIKING him with a sitout powerbomb! The crowd loved that and so did I. Road Dogg breaks up the pin, however, and sets up Edge for that pumphandle slam I talked about. He mimes humping Edge before doing it though. You saucy devil, Mr James. Christian breaks up the move and goes for the Unprettier, but Road Dogg shoves him away into a kick from X Pac. SPEAR TO ROAD DOGG! Edge measures X Pac as well but Tori jumps onto the apron and grabs him by the hair. X Pac charges...and EDGE MOVES, LEAVING PAC TO LEVEL HIS GIRLFRIEND! Edge with the rollup! 1....2....WHAT!? I totally bought that as the finish! Christian goes to the outside and grabs Tori, but Road Dogg saves her with a jumping clothesline from the apron! Meanwhile X Pac hits Edge with his facebuster in the ring, but can't make a cover as the ref is sorting out the commotion on the outside! Christian slips away and grabs the ringbell on his way to the ring. DING! The ref is back in...1...2...Edge tackles Road Dogg to the canvas...3! Huge pop!

Winners and STILL WWF Tag Team Champions: Edge and Christian 3.5/5 - I expected this to be pretty good, but not THIS good! A really hot opener and great performances from all four men (particularly the champs, who were flawless throughout). A really snappy closing sequence too, even if all the rules about legal/illegal men went completely out of the window. Great way to kick off the show!

Lawler points out that there's no bell ringing to signify the end of the match (because Christian clocked X Pac in the head with it) but the champs don't care and grab their titles. OH MAN! X Pac rolls over in the ring to reveal a SICK bladejob! That looks brutal.

The Rock arrives in a limo and is WALKING into the building.

2. WWF Light Heavyweight Championship: Dean Malenko (c) vs Scotty 2 Hotty
Scotty dances onto the scene (as JR explains that Sexay is currently injured) and even has a little boogie with Lilian Garcia as he enters the ring. Malenko strides along looking serious, as always. Sadly my new favourite Radical and yours, Perry Saturn, isn't with him. Nor are any of the stable actually, this is straight one-on-one. We see a clip of Malenko beating Scotty on the last episode of Smackdown, using the ropes for leverage. You bastard Dean. The two start off at breakneck speed, Scotty whipping Malenko around and knocking him down with slams and clotheslines. Oh man, X Pac's blood is all over the canvas. Dean looks for an immediate piledriver (brutal) but Scotty slips out the back and transitions smoothly into an armdrag. They exchange holds again and Scotty is able to hit a BIG back suplex. He kips up like a very poor man's Shawn Michaels and moonwalks across the ring, but Malenko spoils all the fun with everybody's least favourite strike, a clubbing blow. Scotty tries something in the corner but Malenko blocks it, so the Too Cool man just DROPS him with a sick right hand! Haha, when did Scotty get so badass? gently caress him up dude! Malenko doesn't seem happy and retaliates with a hard lariat. These two could legitimately have a puro-style match and it would be great. The two go to the outside and whip each other into the apron, but back in the ring is where it starts to really heat up again, Scotty going nuts with a few wild right hands in the corner. Dean fights back with a sharp dropkick to the knee.

Malenko begins to work the leg and ankle of Scotty, first applying an ankle lock (with his opponent lying on his back; never seen that variation before) and then dropping a few elbows on his knee. He applies another ankle lock but Scotty makes it to his feet...but Malenko ducks to enziguri and hits another elbow to the knee. They've slowed it down now and the crowd are getting restless for Scotty's comeback. He clamps on a leglock and sneakily uses the ropes for leverage, but the ref breaks that up after realising. Scotty tries to get shakily back to his feet, and Dean just brutally kicks his leg out from underneath him. That was cold. He grabs the leg again, but THIS TIME Scotty hits the enziguri. Malenko regains control again, though, propping Scotty in the corner and kicking away at his leg. I know it's Malenko's style and he's great at it, but I think he's really slowed it down too much in this match. Scotty gets a two count with a schoolboy rollup, but again the Radical slows it down after regaining control. Luckily JR and Lawler have this wonderful exchange to keep me alert as Ross mentions the nations tuning in around the world.

"Fans around the world in England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Liechtenstein..."
"Ooh! That's one of my favourite countries."
"Liechtenstein? How about Luxembourg?"
"Meh. I like Liechtenstein."

See! Lawler CAN be genuinely funny when he's not drooling over women or talking about how fat Rikishi is or whatever. Malenko continues to work the knee but Scotty begins to fight back, forcing the champ to charge Scotty through the middle ropes and take them both to the outside. Scotty smashes Malenko's head into the ring apron and rolls him back inside before heading to the top, but he can't climb fast enough with his bad leg and the champ is there to meet him with rights. He heads up top and hits a nice superplex. Both are slow back to their feet, but Malenko eventually swings a right hand...backslide! 1...2...kick out. Malenko jumps to his feet and tries to apply the Texas Cloverleaf...inside cradle by Scotty! Again a near fall! Back suplex from Malenko but Scotty hit him with rights all the way to the canvas. They both get back up and Malenko lifts Scotty...but again he squirms away and runs the ropes. BULLDOG! The crowd comes alive as Scotty sets up for the Worm (although he's facing away from the hard camera. That's a pay cut). He manages to complete the theatrics even with the bad leg (hmm) and hits the fist drop, but Malenko fights back and hits a schoolboy. Feet on the ropes...oh the ref sees it! They exchange some more holds and Dean manages to drill Scotty with a double-underhook powerbomb! Nice. It only gets two and Malenko hits a powerslam before heading to the top. Scotty follows him over and slugs him with a couple of right hands before heading up top as well. He goes for the superplex...and Malenko counters into a jumping DDT! Wow that was sick! It gets the three count.

Winner and STILL WWF Light Heavyweight Champion: Dean Malenko 2.5/5 - As the slow parts of the match dragged on I was going to downgrade this to a 2 but that finish saved it. A great spot to go with several earlier in the match. The only downside is that I felt it dragged on quite a lot, especially as all the working over of Scotty's leg led to nothing. Malenko was on good form here, as always, but I was particularly impressed by Scotty who stepped it up for a rare singles match.

Both those openers went for a decent amount of time, so now I'm quite wary of a short burst of Wrestlecrap incoming. Let's see what happens.

Vince, Steph and Triple H are backstage in that dressing room which is burned into my childhood memories (those leather black sofas man, so heelish) along with Patterson and Brisco. Vince warns the two stooges that it's "all hands on deck" later tonight, presumably meaning Triple H's title match. Shane also comes along with a referees shirt for himself. Oh God, I hope he's not reffing the title match. I much prefer him as the douchey heel manager with surprisingly amazing chairshots.

3. Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan vs The Acolytes
Oh man. This is going to be a plodder, isn't it. JR even warns us that this "won't be a classic wrestling contest", although I think he means because it'll be a hellacious brawl instead. I'm not sold. The four immediately get to brawlin' as the crowd break into an "APA" chant. I didn't realise they were so over. Bradshaw hits a DDT on Buchanan (right onto the main X Pac bloodstain, although there are a few. I can't get over how brutal that bladejob was. It actually makes Christian seem a killer). Bradshaw climbs the turnbuckle and pretty much just jumps off into Buchanan, hitting him with roughly the shoulder area I guess. HOLY poo poo WHAT!? Bull goes for what I think is a sunset flip, but instead just frontflips entirely over Bradshaw onto his feet. I'd worked out by this point that he was athletic, but I didn't realise he had THOSE type of hops. Faarooq comes in now and whips Buchanan to the corner where he jumps, kicks off the top turnbuckle with one foot, and hits a clothesline on the way back. The dude is ballin' and getting almost no crowd response regardless. He tags out to Boss Man who eats a suplex and a shoulder block from Faarooq before getting shoved out of the ring. I think when these four men were created, the lead was taken entirely out of Buchanan's rear end and distributed equally among the other three.

Faarooq gets whipped chest-first into the corner and bounces back, and for a second I think he's about to do the Flair flop (that would be bizarre), but Boss Man just knocks him down anyway. Buchanan is back in - YAY - and powerslams the Acolyte. No Bull, don't get drawn into their hossy nonsense. You were born to fly! Sadly he doesn't listen, and he and Faarooq brawl for a while. Ugh, Faarooq hits his really ugly spinebuster and I feel immediately sick. It all breaks down in very slow fashion and Boss Man ends up brawling on the outside with Faarooq while Buchanan and Bradshaw are the new legal men. Bradshaw heads up top but Boss Man holds him in place from the outside, allowing Bull to head up top and soar (as he was meant to do, Vince, just let him fly) with a lovely superplex. I think Bradshaw got a nosebleed being so unused to such altitude. Faarooq and Boss Man continue to swing their arms at one another on the outside while Buchanan is whipped into the corner. He stumbles back out...uh oh...BAM! Clothesline From Hell connects but Boss Man is in to save his partner from the pinfall. He breaks out the nightstick once out of the ring again and clocks Faarooq with it. He hops up on the apron and Bradshaw STUPIDLY charges over to him. He gets socked and conveniently staggers into the perfect position for Buchanan to CRUSH him with an axe kick from the top rope! Goodnight.

Winners: Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan 0.5/5 - Even Buchanan's endless grace isn't enough to save this from being a stinker.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 02:00 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
THE 2000 STEVE BLACKMAN UNSUNG HERO AWARDS: FIRST QUARTER


Through various stages of my live I've believed myself to have various favourite wrestlers. When I first started watching wrestling it was Triple H. All the other kids at school cheered for The Rock and I just HAD to be different. Eventually when I stopped being so facetious I warmed to Austin (because he's badass) and Kane (because his mask was cool as hell). Eventually Austin left and Kane's mask became a sissy, chinless version, so I had to find new heroes. Jericho and RVD appealed to me in the brand extension days, before I tricked myself into thinking workers such as Edge and CM Punk were my favourites in the latter part of the decade. I say "tricked" because all along, deep down in my psyche, I've known that there has always only been one. That man is "The Lethal Weapon" Steve Blackman, a tour de force of charisma, workrate, and storytelling the likes of which the business has never seen since. The fact that he never held a major championship is criminal, which is why I'm dedicating this thread's quarterly unsung hero awards to him.

These awards will be given out after every three shows (roughly) to the wrestlers I believe have gone unnoticed in their efforts. So without further ado let's take a look at the...

quote:

Royal Rumble 2000 Unsung Hero Nominees
Matt Hardy - Let's face it. Matt is clearly the lesser of the two Hardys in terms of death-defying spots. This nomination recognises his selflessness in shunning the spotlight and embracing the role of helper, encapsulated in his carrying of Jeff out of the typical post-Swanton wreckage after their tables match with the Dudley Boyz.

Mark Henry - For shielding the crowd from his good lady's breasts in the Miss Rumble 2000 Swimsuit Contest.

Billy Gunn - For temporarily forgetting his place as a midcarder in the tag division and beating the poo poo out of The Rock in the turnbuckle during the Rumble. Just right hand after right hand after right hand.

But the winner is...



Taka Michinoku! - Any Steve Blackman emulating hero knows that sometimes it's not about the punishment you dish out, but the beating you can receive. Taka displayed this in the Rumble match (which he hadn't even officially entered), when he was thrown over the top rope by Gangrel SO HARD that his head bounced off the floor with enough impact to draw blood from...somewhere. Was it his mouth? I think it was his mouth. Jesus that spot was brutal.

quote:

No Way Out 2000 Unsung Hero Nominees
Billy Gunn - A second nomination for the rear end Man in successive shows, this time for reminding us of the danger of lead pipes, especially in the hands of a Dudley Boy. A backstage segment confirmed that his arm was still hurting SEVERAL MINUTES later.

Tori - For no-selling a Kane tombstone piledriver. When rear end in a top hat boyfriend X Pac forgot Tori as he escaped up the ramp in victory, the Green Machine was forced to walk off a move that would have kept the average diva out for several months.

Perry Saturn - For unwitting comedy genius during The Radicalz' backstage interview. He prefers strippers to Too Cool.

But the winner is...



Shane McMahon! - As Steve Blackman demonstrates, all it takes for a man to become a legend is a good weapon. Shane O'Mac followed these teachings to the letter at No Way Out, demolishing The Rock with a legitimately amazing chairshot. Not only that, but he did it for JUSTICE, stepping in to ensure his friend Big Show got his rightful place in the WrestleMania main event after genuinely winning the Royal Rumble.

quote:

WrestleMania 2000 Unsung Hero Nominees
Funaki - For tactical brilliance during the Hardcore Battle Royal. Funaki was the only wrestler to realise that once he won the belt he could simply run away until time expired. Sadly he was caught, but it's the thought that counts.

Val Venis - For incredible tolerance while refereeing the Terri vs Kat "cat fight". Poor Val had to deal with near-constant interference from Moolah and Mae young, and managed to complete the match even after an extraordinarily long kiss from the latter.

Scotty 2 Hotty - For trying to lighten the mood and encouraging inter-worker bonding following Kane and Rikishi's beatdown of DX and Pete Rose. Scotty not only coaxed an uncharacteristic high five from Paul Bearer, but even tried to dance to Kane's spooky music with partner Grandmaster Sexay.

But the winner is...



Perry Saturn! - Steve Blackman may be primarily about rear end-kicking, but he knows the benefit of a well timed gag as much as the next man. The next man in this case is Perry Saturn, who wins this award for consistent comedic brilliance, this time angrily reminding Eddie that he's not the only good looking man in The Radicalz. He didn't specify who the other is, but I assume he meant Malenko.

Just a short break before I continue with Backlash. I'll be doing these after every few shows to highlight some stuff I found particularly hilarious, impressive, or weird.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Backlash - April 30th 2000


PART 2

The Hardy Boyz are backstage talking about their upcoming match. If it comes down to them squaring off against one another, Matt says he isn't going to hold anything back. Jeff pretty much returns the sentiments, but his acting is far worse. Far, far worse.

Elsewhere, Crash (hey, he's the Hardcore Champ again!) proposes an alliance with cousin Bob before going 1-on-1 once all the challengers are dealt with. Hardcore smacks him around the head and stalks off. Crash looks sad.

JR and King hype the upcoming return of Stone Cold (who is in The Rock's corner in the main event, remember).

4. WWF Hardcore Championship: Crash Holly (c) vs Tazz vs Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy vs Hardcore Holly vs Perry Saturn
I'm not sure why Blackman isn't in this match, but Saturn's presence cheers me up. Judging by the pops received upon entrance, the Hardys are clearly the most over by a mile. They're obviously above the Hardcore division. Saturn is the last to enter and immediately jumps Crash - who was backing down the ramp for some reason - and everything immediately breaks down. Everybody takes turns hitting a move on the champ and breaking up each other's pinfall attempts, the best being Tazz's bridging suplex. Crash steals Funaki's tactic from WrestleMania and simply runs up the ramp. Jeff overtakes him and stands in his way, but a simple right hand takes care of that. Crash reaches the top of the ramp...and begins to climb the Backlash set!? Uh oh! He displays some impressive climbing skills and Matt is up after him. The Hardy manages to knock the champ down, but he only falls a disappointingly short distance onto the four other men waiting below. My bloodlust is far from satisfied. THAT'S BETTER! Matt flies from the structure onto everybody else. Everybody makes their way back to their feet, and Perry slams Crash clean through a piece of the set!

It dawns on me now (well, JR tells me) that the title can only change hands if Crash is pinned. Ohhhh! That explains why everybody is largely focusing upon him. Jeff swings on a piece of the set like a monkey, vaulting off and dragging Saturn into a hurricanrana. Meanwhile, Matt has proved himself the more intelligent brother by deciding not to gently caress around at the top of the stage any longer, instead grabbing the champ and dragging him to the ring. Jeff joins his brother and they hit a double guillotine legdrop on the champ, but Tazz prevents them from pressing the advantage with a couple of trashcan lid shots. Some awful camerawork prevents me from seeing exactly what happens next, but the gist of it is that all the other competitors have returned to the ring and are beating one another around with various weapons. Hardcore Holly clocks his cousin with a 2x4, while Tazz avoids a Jeff Hardy chairshot by simply clotheslining him onto his rear end. Perry Saturn further cements his place in my heart by attempting a submission manoeuvre in a Hardcore match, in a ring full of other superstars who could easily break it up. It's some kind of terrible standing surfboard / abdominal stretch and it just disrupts the entire flow of the match. Good work, Perry.

Tazz breaks it up and everybody continues to brawl in the ring some more, except Jeff Hardy who seems to have disappeared. I fully expect a Swanton from the ceiling of the arena any second now. Everybody continues to beat down on Crash as he tries to catch a breather on the outside (really this match is just an extended gang-beating of the champ), and there's Jeff. I'm not sure why he disappeared for a short while, but he's back to join in with this lynching of Crash. SATURN'S ON THE APRON! FLY, PERRY, FLY! Jumping right hand to the champion. Awe-inspiring. Back in the ring Crash manages to get an offensive move in of his own, dropkicking Tazz and covering him for one. Tazz kicking out early seems to be a recurring theme. If I was another worker I'd be pissed off; he seems to love putting himself over more than necessary. Hardcore Holly does that move where he stands on the other dude's back as he's draped over the middle rope, but Saturn comes in from behind and breaks it up with a big German suplex! That was nice. Unfortunately this match is dragging on way too long for me to be properly enthused.

Matt enters the ring with a pair of baking trays and tosses one to Jeff. They clear the ring, but Tazz comes back with an extension wire and begins to choke out the older Hardy brother. Jeff and Saturn take turns launching themselves onto the champ, but STILL he kicks out of everything. BRAINBUSTAHHHH on Crash from Saturn, but Tazz breaks up the pinfall. The big moves are coming out now, as Bob drills his cousin with some kind of huge slam onto a chair, but this time Matt breaks it up. Suddenly the crowd goes apeshit, because Jeff has just introduced a ladder to the ring. That TLC match at 'Mania really got ladders over, didn't it? Twist of Fate to the champ, and the crowd are molten for the brothers as Jeff flies from the ladder with a Swanton Bomb. They can't decide on who makes the pinfall, however, and Tazz comes back to end the party with a double clothesline. Tazz clamps on the Tazzmission on Crash and it all looks to be over, but Saturn takes exception to this (he's the only one allowed to use submissions in this match, dammit!) and smashes the former ECW champ with a HUGE stop sign. He covers the champ...1...2...AGHHH NOOO! Hardcore Holly breaks my heart by dragging Saturn out of the ring, and the Hardys fly from the top onto the outside, creating a pile of bodies on the floor. The only men left in the ring are Crash and Tazz, and the champ wearily drapes an arm across his opponent to retain.

Winner and STILL WWF Hardcore Champion: Crash Holly 0.5/5 - Half a point for the good work put in by the Hardy Boyz, but the rest was unsurprisingly garbage.

Now we get a video package detailing the feud between T&A and the Dudley Boyz, most notably between Bubba and the heels' manager Trish. First we see a compilation of all the women Bubba has driven through tables, followed by his sinister choosing of Stratus as his next victim. Rather than being terrified, however, Trish acts in an enticing manner towards the Dudley, confusing him. Bubba twice has the opportunity to put her through a table, but is left stupefied when she kisses him. Only in the WWF would a man desiring to slam a woman through a table be regarded as the unquestionable babyface.

Backstage, D-Von gives Bubba a frustrated pep talk. His partner doesn't look focused at all. The commentators wonder weather he is smitten with Trish.

5. The Dudley Boyz vs T&A
T&A help Stratus into the ring but the Dudleys immediately jump their opponents, forcing Trish to slide to safety. Bubba follows her straight out and begins a chase around the ring, but Test cuts him off with a HUGE clothesline! JR muses why Stone Cold has not yet arrived as Bubba and Albert go through a slow exchange in the ring, and he sounds just like a pining lover. Bubba drops Albert with a clothesline before shouting "I'm gonna get you, you little bitch!" at Stratus. It gets a pop, of course. King explains that he talked to D-Von earlier and that the Dudley is worried about his partner being on the same page as him. JR questions whether they're even in the same book. King brilliantly comes back with "Don't talk to Bubba about books. He'll put you through the table of contents!". The Dudleys hit the wassup headbutt on Albert, but D-Von is decapitated with a jumping big boot after trying to press the advantage further. Test is in now and hits a massive big boot of his own. T&A are coming across as legitimately scary. D-Von blocks a right from Albert on the apron, dropping the illegal man's head into the top rope, but Test surprises him as he turns with a big gutwrench powerbomb.

Bubba is really selling D-Von as the face in peril here, frequently urging him to "KICK OUT!" or "FIGHT BACK, D-VON!". More tag teams should do this, I think. Test tags himself in and Albert gorilla presses his partner right onto D-Von. Impressive strength. Albert prevents a hot tag by distracting the ref, before tagging back in himself and catapulting D-Von's throat up into the middle rope. I love that spot. D-Von gets a near fall with a sunset flip from the middle turnbuckle, but Albert emphatically regains control with a huge sitout powerbomb. D-Von kicks out (is that not Albert's finisher!? Such heart from the Dudley) and the crowd chant for tables. Finally the hot tag is made to Bubba, and he decimates Test with a few elbows and slams, culminating in a Samoan drop for two. D-Von heaves Albert over the top rope and the Dudleys hit - the slightly less exciting back-suplex version of - the 3D on Test! He kicks out at two, however, and Albert is back in to spike Bubba with a big sitout powerbomb. Test misses with an elbow from the top, and D-Von gets Albert out of the ring AGAIN. He's like an incredibly persistent teenager trying to get into a nightclub. Bubba signals for the 3D (the full version this time) and they set Test up...but Trish hops up on the apron and distracts Bubba from completing his half of the move! D-Von pauses with Test aloft for a second, allowing the big man to reverse into a DDT. Bubba turns around...straight into a big boot! Trish counts gleefully along from the apron. 1...2...3!

Winners: T&A 1/5 - Sloppy and slow, but got the point of the angle across. I'm expecting fireworks now though...

Bubba immediately pops back up and drops the celebrating Test with a Bubba Cutter! He grabs Trish by the hair, but lets her go because D-Von is setting up Albert for the 3D! Albert goes down and Stratus' bodyguards are incapacitated. Bubba grabs her again and signals for D-Von to get the tables. He's picked up a gash on the forehead from somewhere, which just makes him look all the more psychotic. D-Von sets up the table but Trish kisses Bubba and he lets her go! She begins to strut triumphantly from the ring...but he snaps out of it and grabs her again! He heads for the top rope and, to the rather hypocritical delight of JR and King, smashes Stratus through the table. Yay, a happy ending!

EMTs are placing a neck brace on the unmoving Trish while the crowd goes wild. JR and King joke about Lawler wanting to give her mouth-to-mouth. Am I the only one who finds this incredibly disturbing? Finally JR brings out the Owen Hart voice as Stratus does a stretcher job out of the arena.

Jesus! The cameras follow Trish all the way to the back where Test and Albert silently accompany her into a waiting ambulance, while a gaggle of concerned refs watch anxiously on. This is like that scene in Austin Powers where the random henchman dies and it goes into ludicrous depth about the consequences on his family.

We transition incredibly smoothly to Eddie Guerrero and Chyna sitting in a car in the same parking lot. It looks as though they've just been on an incredibly classy date; Eddie is in a full tux. The ref informs him that he's going to be late for his European Title match (huh, looks like he won the European Title) and will forfeit if he doesn't get to the ring right now. There's not even time to get dressed. Eddie shrugs and drives the car right into the arena as his theme music blares. Halfway down the ramp he stops and gets his title belt (plus a pair of elbow pads) out of the trunk. It looks like Eddie has picked up a healthy dose of overness since 'Mania, as the crowd are very happy to see him.

We cut to a brief hype video about how Eddie won Chyna. Apparently she "couldn't resist his Latino heat" and turned on Jericho, allowing Eddie to win the title. We see Eddie and Chyna teaming with Esse Rios and Lita (so THAT'S what she was up to pre-Hardys), and Lita accidentally costing them the match. Chyna is livid and throws Lita to the Dudleys, who then slam her through a table. I like how all these midcard stories are slightly connected.

6. WWF European Championship: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs Essa Rios
Eddie has managed to get partially changed. He's lost a shirt and gained some elbow pads, but still has his black bow-tie and lovely trousers on. Very dashing. Esse Rioa and Lita come out to absolute silence. Tough crowd. Eddie and Essa exchange a few lucha-style tilt-a-whirl moves and so on, while Lawler calls Eddie out for wearing white socks with a tuxedo. Rightly so, King. Good work. Eddie tries to insult the crowd who clearly favour him over Rios, before we miss some (probably impressive) lucha poo poo because the cameraman instead wanted a close-up of Chyna's expressionless face. Great. JR reminds us that Eddie is the European champion, prompting Lawler to say "they love him over in Liechtenstein!". Hahaaa! He's actually on top form tonight. Eddie slides out for a breather and Rios decides to vault out after him...but Guerrero steps out of the way and the challenger SMACKS onto the floor. Ouch. Eddie slams Essa into the ring steps (pitiful, barely moved them) before rolling him back inside and launching over the top rope into a senton. Essa gets sent to the outside again where he eats an uppercut from Chyna, wile JR and Lawler muse again over Austin's lateness. JR is confused. "I don't get it! He's always very punctual! I talked to Steve yesterday and he was very excited about tonight."

Essa hits a dropkick and a second (of the missile variety) which earns him a two count. Eddie hits a snappy jawbreaker but Essa counters the subsequent powerbomb into a lovely armdrag. The pair race around the ring before Essa monkey-flips Guerrero quite a distance into the opposite pair of ropes! These two know how to wrestle. Eddie yanks Rios out of the ring where Chyna deals another blow. It should be noted that Lita has kept her distance from Chyna all match, perhaps still scared after the Ninth Wonder threw her to the Dudleys. It's weird to see Lita so passive, in hindsight. Eddie hits a crisp crossbody to the outside before setting up Essa Rios for a powerbomb, potentially into the announce table. This spurs Lita into action, and she climbs the top rope...only for Chyna to shove her off and send her face-first into the edge of the table! Rios is able to backdrop out, however, and climbs to the apron. He FLIES with a springboard moonsault onto Eddie, and the pair fall across the announce table almost into JR and King's laps. Not the most perfectly executed spot, but he got serious height on that, and Eddie did well to catch him. Back in the ring now, and Rios missile dropkicks Guerrero hard enough to send him out under the opposite bottom rope. There's no recovery time for the champ, as Esse hits a very impressive plancha over the turnbuckle! He even threw a front flip in there! Back in the ring once more, and now Rios heads to the top, only for Chyna to yank his foot away from the outside. Eddie scoots up and nails a perfect superplex.

Eddie is shakily back to his feet (he's managed to keep that bow tie on all match. Impressive) and heads up top. He adjusts an elbow pad, which gives Rios just enough time to dash up after him and hit a big armdrag from the top rope! The challenger heads up for a moonsault and it is BEAUTIFUL, but Eddie gets the knees up! Guerrero peels Rios off the canvas and hits some kind of airplane-spin bomb (JR calls it as an airplane spin neckbreaker) and it convincingly gets the three!

Winner and STILL WWF European Champion: Eddie Guerrero 3/5 - A fantastically fluid match, especially good considering the relatively small time slot they were given. Nothing botched, no pointless spots. It all came together to create a great contest.

Eddie and Chyna embrace but Essa Rios is back up and dropkicks the champ in the back! He inadvertently falls into Chyna, allowing Lita to dash in and strip her of her red dress! Rios and Lita get the hell out of there before Chyna can get revenge, but Eddie doesn't really seem to mind this turn of events. Chyna is momentarily angry but decides to just go with it, and celebrates Eddie's win with him in her underwear. Ah, young love.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:55 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Backlash - April 30th 2000


PART 3

It dawns on me that the version of Backlash I'm watching (which promises itself to be the "FULL SHOW") is missing the eagerly anticipated Big Show vs Kurt Angle match alluded to by LordPants. A quick check of the card informs me that this match SHOULD have taken place after Crash Holly's Hardcore Title defence, but is entirely cut from the video I'm using. The show must go on, however, and I've hunted it out for all our pleasure.

A hype video shows Big Show pulling off the mother of all face turns after WrestleMania, going a complete 180 from his monster heel gimmick and adopting a new, fun-loving persona. It seems to revolve around impersonating other wrestlers (we see him dressed as The Godfather, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and a rather too convincing Val Venis) and generally not taking anything seriously. Angle, meanwhile, is granted a tag title match by the McMahon-Helmsley regime, with Big Show as his hand-picked partner. Big Show spends the title match dancing around and "having fun", which Kurt grows impatient with. He slaps the giant, which leads to him receiving an almighty beatdown.

I'm on Kurt's side here. If I had a tag title match and my partner was more interested in acting like a buffoon, I'd be pissed off. Go Kurt!

7.(actually match 5.)Kurt Angle vs Big Show
Angle cuts a promo running down the hometown (Washington D.C.) and his opponent. He's just really good at being a heel. Suddenly "Real American" hits!? It's Show, in an - admittedly hilarious - Hulk Hogan outfit, complete with mannerisms down to a tee. I guess this is why the match is cut from the version I'm watching, huh. Can't have people googling what the Hulkster is up to these days.

Show grabs a mic and launches into a Hogan impersonation, and my god it is REALLY GOOD. "Well ya know something Kurt Angle dude!" slayed me, and that's just the first line. He finishes and turns to put the mic down, and Angle jumps him, starting the match! He begins to pepper Show with rights, but that just causes him to Hulk up! Show does the big point and comes back with some huge rights of his own. An irish whip follows into the big boot, and there's only one move that can follow. Show hits the iconic Legdrop! 1...2...Angle kicks out! He battles back to his feet and takes Show down with a headfirst tackle. Kurt works the leg for a while, drawing "Hogan, Hogan, Hogan" chants from the crowd. Show fights back and he's pissed off now. He rips off the wig and tosses Angle into the corner, hitting a huuuuge chop to the chest. He hits a few big strikes followed by the Chokeslam, and it's over.

Winner: Big Show 1/5 - Too short and comedic to actually mean anything as a wrestling match, but rating aside, this was hilarious. Show's Hogan impersonation was dead-on, and this is a (perhaps rare) example of the WWF doing comedy right.

Coach is in the McMahon-Helmsley locker room and interviews Triple H ahead of his title defence. He's confident, as always. Vince is there too, and explains that his "sources" tell him that Austin may have ran into traffic difficulties on the way to the venue. It looks like The Rock's corner may be empty. The heels don't seem too disappointed at this news.

8. WWF Intercontinental Championship: Chris Benoit (c) vs Chris Jericho
Jericho cuts one of his standard promos, throwing in an extra dash of name calling - Benoit is "Senator Roboto" - before the champion's entrance. The pair circle one another at the bell before locking up. They tussle with one another into the corner but neither is willing to break the hold, and eventually they spill out of the ring onto the floor. They both stand and exchange hard slaps before the referee ushers them back inside. I can feel the tension. The pair exchange takedowns before getting in each other's grill. This is a WRESTLING contest, ladies and gentlemen. Jericho stiffs the champ with an elbow, but Benoit is able to take him down. They go into a sequence of pinfall exchanges but neither gets more than a two count. Back to their feet again, and this time it's CHOPS. The crowd are eating it up, but Benoit prevents the exchange from going on too long with a rake to the eyes. He's the heel, you see? They brawl for a while before Benoit whips Jericho face-first into the corner, catching him on the rebound with two German suplexes. Jericho avoids the third by clinging onto the ropes, so the champ settles for simply lifting him out of the ring.

Benoit tires of waiting for Y2J to recover and flies between the ropes...OH MAN! Jericho dives out of the way and Benoit falls HARD and headfirst into the floor! drat. That looked really nasty. Jericho is unsympathetic and looks to whip the champ into the ring steps. Benoit reverses, but Y2J skips over the top of them. He turns...and Benoit dropkicks the steps into his legs! Jericho goes head over heels, and that was a great little sequence. Back in the ring Benoit begins to dominate, but Jericho battles out of the corner with a few rights. He whips the champ into the ropes and goes for a dropkick, but Benoit hooks himself and the challenger hits nothing but air. I'm always a fan of that spot. For a second it looks as though Benoit is looking to steal the Walls of Jericho, but he instead slingshots the challenger into the turnbuckles. Jericho then gets suplexed and hung out to dry over the top rope, and the champ is firmly in control. Y2J gets caught in an abdominal stretch but slowly powers out, before the pair whip into opposite ropes and come back FAST at one another! Bam! Benoit catches a couple of fists in the mush and goes down, leading to the Lionsault. Benoit may have got the knees up though, as Jericho is certainly too hurt to make a cover. Weird, I didn't actually see him bring them up. A replay confirms that. Maybe he was meant to and forgot...

Jericho finally crawls into a cover on the ref's count of nine, but only gets a near fall. Benoit is done loving around and drags Jericho to the corner for another round of incredibly stiff chops. Poor Y2J. Jericho fights back and whips him into the opposite corner, but eats a stiff boot to the face from his follow-up charge. Benoit staggers out of the corner...right into a beautiful spinning heel kick! The pair are both down, but Benoit is eager to go back to the chops when they return to their feet. Man those are stiff. Jericho agrees, and puts a stop to them with a bulldog. He lifts Benoit onto the apron and goes for his jumping-dropkick thing off the turnbuckle, but the champ slaps him down. Benoit how heads for the top rope but finds himself crotched as Jericho shoves him in desperation. The challenger goes for a back superplex, but Benoit counters in mid-air and lands right on the challenger. Both men are back up before long, and Jericho hooks Benoit for a big powerbomb...and lifts him again for a huge second! He goes for the pin...1...2...CROSSFACE! Benoit flips on top like a crab and slaps on his finisher! Jericho wants to tap, but manages to drag his body across the ring and drape a boot over the bottom rope. He goes for it straight away again, but Y2J keeps him at bay with elbows and rolls out to safety. Benoit is up...and Jericho trips him into the Walls! They're fairly close to the ropes however, and the champ reaches safety without too much trouble.

Jericho's dishing out the chops now and goes for a running crossbody, but Benoit ducks and the ref eats the bump! The champ is straight out of the ring looking for his belt, and he utterly DECIMATES Jericho with it in the center of the ring! 1...2...PPV resiliency! Benoit hits a snap suplex and heads up top, looking for the diving headbutt. He flies...but Jericho moves and Benoit's head crashes into the title belt! The ref calls for the bell!? Lillian announces that Benoit is the winner by DQ. BULLSHIT!

Winner and STILL WWF Intercontinental Champion: Chris Benoit 2/5 - Let me explain. This was a real slow-burner of a match, but once it picked up steam it looked to be heading for a great finish. Unfortunately that DQ ending utterly hamstrung the contest, which explains its low score. I took a whole point off for the ending (seriously, that's TV booking on a PPV) as well half a point for perhaps a touch of sloppiness from Benoit throughout. He didn't look quite as fluid as Jericho here and seemed less sharp than usual, botching the back superplex, the Lionsault reversal, and generally not being as crisp as I'd expect. I was about to forgive this because the ending sequence looked to be excellent, but the baffling ref's decision puts an underwhelming cap on a disappointing match - at least relative to the high standard we expect from these two. Sorry guys. :(

Jericho is as baffled as I am as Benoit escapes to the back with his belt, but his confusion soon turns to anger. He slaps the referee in the Walls of Jericho (it's Tim White, I believe), and more refs dash from the back to break it up. He holds the submission for a while but eventually gets bored and leaves. This feud certainly isn't over.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:54 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Backlash - April 30th 2000


PART 4

Main event time. Remember, Austin his been held up with "traffic problems" on the way to the arena. Gee, I wonder if he'll make it in time.

A hype video replays the final moments of the WrestleMania main event, but the WWF production team actually make it look good. The Rock gains a measure of revenge on Vince the following Smackdown!, nailing him with a steel chair on the ramp. He then wins a handicap cage match against Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan on Raw, granting him this upcoming title shot. Vince stacks the deck against Rocky, placing himself in Triple H's corner and Shane as the guest referee. Linda decides to even the odds by announcing that Austin will be in The Rock's corner come Backlash, a decision which doesn't go down well with the rest of the McMahon clan. Jesus, Linda is bad at acting. Vince, Shane and Stephanie are all good, but Linda is just appalling.

The last Smackdown before Backlash involves the McMahons hunting around the backstage area for Austin, whom Rock promised was in the building. They stumble across various cardboard cutouts and traps; Austin is clearly taking a leaf out of the Undertaker's big book of mind games. It turns out that he's in the parking lot, in a crane. He drops a huge weight right onto Triple H's tour bus, or "DX Express". Austin's various vehicular exploits remind me of that Family Guy episode where Peter accidentally causes havoc with a helicopter and air balloon with his face emblazoned on them, and Joe screams at him "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS!?".

Austin claims that he won't be on either side come Backlash. He'll be on the side he's always been on: his own. Ominous.

9. WWF Championship: Triple H (c) vs The Rock (Special Guest Referee: Shane McMahon)
Vince cuts a wonderful heel promo before The Rock makes his entrance, informing everybody that the small print of their programme reads "card subject to change". He regrets to inform us that Austin will not be present for the main event, and the subsequent heat from the crowd is nuclear.

Rocky is out and is of course the most over man in the building. Not out of the building though, as the fans break into a "WE WANT AUSTIN!" chant. Rock and Triple H exchange right hands to start, with the challenger getting the better of the Game. He hits a nice back elbow, but Triple H gains momentum and goes for an early Pedigree! Rocky easily backdrops out though, and the crowd breathes a collective sigh of relief. The Rock begins a beatdown in the corner but Shane drags him off. Rocky looks pissed, and is just distracted enough for the Game to drop him with a neckbreaker. Rocky hits a back suplex and charges, but finds himself hoisted clean over the top rope to the floor. There is a wonderful tension in waiting for when exactly Austin will show up. Simple but effective booking from the WWF here. Triple H bounces Rock's head off the ring steps and announce table, and JR calls for a DQ. Um, Jim, that'll result in Triple H retaining. The Game slides back into the ring leaving Vince to get a cheap shot in on Rocky, ramming his head into a nearby ringpost.

Triple H ducks several clothesline attempts and grounds Rock with that lovely high knee of his, but a vertical suplex only gets 2. The Game goes for several pinfalls but Rocky kicks out of all of them, and Shane isn't even hiding his frustration. Count quicker? Triple H locks Rock into a verrryyyyy long sleeper hold. Jesus Christ. There's methodical and then there's boring. The Rock finally struggles to his feet and fires off some rights, but the champ drops him immediately with a clothesline. Another near fall, and Vince audibly yells at Shane to count faster, dammit. Rock battles back again and they do the double clothesline spot. Both men are down but the challenger is the first to his feet, and Vince clocks him with the title belt from the apron! The fans sound their disapproval and this seems to spur Rock on, as he lays the smackdown on Triple H before tossing him to the floor. It's always great when a man of the Game's size flies over the top rope like that.

Triple H sells the shoulder hard after landing, and continues to do so after The Rock slams him into the edge of the announce table. Back in the ring the champ hits a knee drop, but his shoulder still seems to be bothering him. Rocky hits his snappy DDT and makes a cover...and Shane just refuses to count. Doesn't even pretend to be distracted or anything, just straight up refuses to count. Rock is mad and backs Shane into the ropes. Remember when he beheaded you with a chair at No Way Out, Rock? Be careful. Oh...nevermind. Rock sends Shane tumbling over the top with a single right hand and he lands in between the announce tables. The Game blindsides Rocky, however, and sends him straight out after Shane with a clothesline to the back. Trips whips Rock HARD into the steps and strips the Spanish announce table of its covering.

The pair get up onto the table and Triple H looks to slam Rock through...but Rocky low blows him! I'm not sure why Shane doesn't just call for the DQ there and then, but ah well. Wrestling logic. Triple H gets set up for the Rock Bottom, and Shane proves himself to be an IDIOT by getting up on the table to stop the move! Rock pulls him in as well and delivers a huge double Rock Bottom through the table! Back in the ring the challenger looks to finish the champ off, but Vince is in to cheap shot Rocky in the back of the head. The Rock no sells and begins to retaliate...but Triple H takes advantage of the distraction with a low blow. He scoops him up and hits the Pedigree, to Vince's relish. Shane is unable to make the pinfall however, which is understandable since he's still lying unconscious in the wreckage of the Spanish announce table. Vince gestures to the back, and Stunner Victims #1 and #2...um, I mean Patterson and Brisco jog slowly out in referee shirts. Patterson counts two but Rocky kicks out! The two gophers start laying boots into the challenger, and SURELY it's Austin time. No?

Triple H joins in on the assault now and the crowd are despairing. Steph passes a chair into the ring and Vince uses it to lay out The Rock. It's nowhere near as good a chairshot as Shane's from No Way Out, but it leaves the Rock starfished out in the middle of the ring. Triple H drags him slowly into position for the Pedigree, but Rocky is dead weight.

SMASHHHHHHH

The crowd comes unstuck as (a rather chubby) Steve Austin stalks down the ramp. Man he's...not as explosive as usual. He has a chair in hand, which he cracks over Triple H's spine as he charges down the ramp to meet him. Patterson and Brisco eat chair as well, and it's that ridiculously fluid one-two shot I've seen in gif form a million times. So THIS is where that's from! Austin is in the ring now and drops Shane (who'd only just made it back into the ring after being slammed through the announce table, poor guy). Down goes Vince too, but Triple H is back with a chair of his own. It doesn't matter, as Stone Cold knocks it away and smashes the Game over the skull. JR is on the verge of orgasm as Austin leaves the ring and strides nonchalantly to the back as only he can. Linda is out now with Earl Hebner in tow, both looking on from ringside. Stephanie marches over to confront her...and Linda pushes her to the floor (VERY unconvincingly). The two actual competitors in this match (oh yeah, the match is still on) stagger slowly back to their feet. Triple H goes for a chairshot...but Rock hits the spinebuster! The People's Elbow connects and Linda orders Hebner into the ring! 1...2...NEW CHAMPION!

Winner and NEW WWF Champion: The Rock 2.5/5 - A very run-of-the-mill match which peaked around the table spot, and then descended into an almighty clusterfuck. Even so, one can't help but enjoy this as a main event. Austin returned and kicks rear end, the crowd were electric, and Triple H's reign of terror finally came to an end. It seems a very significant moment.

Rocky celebrates with his title for a few minutes before the glass shatters a second time, and the new champ doesn't look happy at the interruption. Austin drives down the ramp in his pickup, dragging the carcass of the DX Express behind him. Perhaps this signifies the destruction of the McMahon-Helmsley era, hmmmm? Stone Cold calls for a couple of beers and offers one to The Rock. Uh oh. Rocky proves he's never watched any footage of Austin before EVER, and takes it. UH OH. They both clash their beers against the WWF Title and Austin leaves the new champ to celebrate. Oh. How lovely of him. :)

Event summary to follow.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 01:54 on Apr 10, 2014

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
BACKLASH 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
Edge and Christian vs Degeneration X - The hottest of hot openers. The two tag teams delivered a sleeper hit here, pipping Guerrero/Rios, Malenko/Scotty, and even the main event to match of the night honours. This was crisp, dramatic, and even brutal (as X Pac's post-match bladejob will testify), and further solidified E&C as bonafide stars in the making.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Edge - The slightly more eye-catching of the tag champs, but really neither man put a foot wrong all night.
2. Christian - Even without the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these two were always something special.
3. Eddie Guerrero - A performance equally impressive from both a technical and charismatic standpoint.
4. Scotty 2 Hotty - Blossomed in his rare chance at singles action here despite losing to Malenko. Who'da thunk it?
5. Esse Rios - He and Eddie delivered a little slice of perfection in their very limited time slot.

Perhaps the closest top five so far; so many other men could have potentially made it in. X Pac and Road Dogg for their part in the MotN, Malenko for his technical contest with Scotty, and even Jericho for carrying an uncharacteristically average Benoit in their bout. The Rock misses out by the narrowest margin here, however, being the standout performer in that absolute clusterfuck of a main event.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Triple H - 10

2. Mick Foley - 9

3. Jeff Hardy - 8

4. Kurt Angle - 6
Christian - 6

5. Edge - 5

6. Bubba Ray Dudley - 4

7.Eddie Guerrero - 3

8. The Rock - 2
Matt Hardy - 2
Scotty 2 Hotty - 2

9. Rikishi - 1
Kane - 1
Esse Rios - 1

BACKLASH 2000 SCORE: 7/10
A pretty good show here, especially in the aftermath of the disappointment that was WrestleMania 2000. This card seemed underwhelming, but was dragged to a respectable score by several of its undercard matches (the Tag, European, and Light Heavyweight title matches all delivered in spades). The awful booking of the Benoit/Jericho match and a couple of near-duds in T&A vs the Dudleys and the Hardcore match threatened to drop Backlash to a 6, but the uppercard was redeemed by a couple of matches which - although perhaps not best from a pure wrestling standpoint - certainly provided good entertainment: the Big Show comedy match, and the triumphant conclusion of a main event which initially threatened to fall into car-crash territory.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

LordPants posted:

Yeah Austin was fresh of surgery and shouldn't have even been in the ring. But, people wanted to see the title change hands and they had to guarantee it so...

Also, did the promos with the little girls start? They may have started at the next raw, I can't remember.

Nothing like that in the PPV but I'm pretty sure I know what they allude to...

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Insurrextion - May 6th 2000 - London, England


PART 1

Oh god. Insurrextion. I hate Insurrextion. And Rebellion. I should love them, being English, but they just seem like events in which nothing substantial happens. The real storyline changes are saved for the American PPVs, and it'll take quite a show here to convince me otherwise.

The main event tonight is a triple threat match for the WWF Title between The Rock, Triple H, and Shane McMahon. I'd put a LOT of money on The Rock retaining, but it should be an entertaining match regardless. I've always been quite a fan of Shane as a worker; his matches are usually fun, against all odds.

1. Too Cool vs The Radicalz
The Radicalz are here represented by everybody's favourite member, Perry Saturn, as well as the ever-serious Dean Malenko. Sexay is returning from injury and Scotty is returning from getting his rear end kicked by Malenko at Backlash. The heels jump the faces at the bell but Sexay hits a BIG powerslam on Saturn, and suddenly I realise a factor which might save Insurrextion (and Rebellion) in my eyes: the incredibly loud nature of English crowds. The pop on that powerslam alone was huge. Too Cool dance around a little and hit Perry with a double clothesline, but Saturn regains control by hitting Scotty with a no-nonsense thrust to the chest. All of Saturn's moves are no-nonsense. He is a very efficient man. Malenko and Mr 2 Hotty go through a slightly ragged exchange which ends with a Russian legsweep on the Too Cool man. JR discusses the possibility of friction between Saturn and the other Radicalz, since he's the only one yet to taste WWF gold. Aww :(. Saturn and Malenko double team Scotty, knocking Sexay off the apron and into the (worryingly flimsy looking) crowd barrier.

Saturn covers Scotty who kicks out at 2. "WHAT!?" screams Perry. Ahahaha. He's in such disbelief. Scotty backflips out of a Malenko suplex attempt and rolls him him, but Saturn yanks the referee out of the ring! Sexay has had enough and jumps Perry with right after right. The ref pulls him away and tells him off. Um, the other dude just PULLED YOU OUT OF THE RING! Saturn and Malenko have an argument for NO REASON. Seriously, I couldn't work out what that was for at all. They get into a shoving match and Malenko gets pushed into a roll up from Scotty, which Saturn has to break up at 2. Scotty and Malenko have a nice exchange reminiscent of their singles match last PPV, except Scotty gets the better of Malenko here with a nice superplex. Both men are down and crawl to make the tags. Sexay's tag is hot (because hes the face, of course) and he cleans house on the Radicalz. Malenko is getting sharper as this match goes on, I've noticed. It all breaks down and Too Cool get the upper hand. Scotty hits a bulldog on Saturn (sold horribly) and the crowd is MOLTEN for the Worm. Oh it's a DOUBLE worm, Sexay rolled Malenko into position too. The faces whip the heels toward one another and Saturn accidentally clotheslines Malenko down. Malenko is then whipped into Saturn in the corner, before the former collapses comically headfirst into the groin of the latter. Such japes! Scotty dropkicks Saturn to the outside while Sexay goes up top and hits the Hip Hop Drop on Malenko for the win.

Winners: Too Cool 1/5 - Mehhhh. The crowd were hot for this but it was substandard, really. It served its purpose, but could have been better.

Malenko looks on disapprovingly as Saturn recovers. He nudges Perry with a boot and Saturn loses it! He springs to his feet and shoves Dean over, and they brawl messily until a gaggle of referees rush out to separate them. Well, my earlier theory might be wrong. We have a storyline development!

Mae Young is in the back hyping up The Kat for her upcoming match. Great. If I was Kat, I'd never let Mae Young manage me again. She proved to be pretty much the worst manager ever at WrestleMania.

Vince is out, as always, to "No Chance In Hell", a song I can't imagine him liking in real life. He cuts a promo on the stage and explains that without Austin's interference, in a "fair one-on-one encouner", Triple H would have retained his title. He swears by this as sure as he stands before us, "breathing the foul air of London". Nobody really boos this, they just accept it. I'm not a huge fan of London either, to be fair to him. He runs down Linda, Hebner, and Austin's involvement, each getting a louder pop than the last. Vince claims that The Rock actually wouldn't mind losing the title here of all places, because nothing consequential or newsworthy ever happens in England. SEE! HE'S VERIFYING MY "ENGLISH PPVS DON'T MATTER" THEORY! Anyway, Vince guarantees that there will be a new WWF Champion tonight, and that it WILL be a member of the McMahon family. He doesn't specify whether he means Triple H or Shane. Oooh.

Vince goes to the back and out of loving NOWHERE, MY BOY BULL BUCHANAN STRIDES INTO VIEW! YAY! We get a recap video as he makes his way down the ramp. Apparently Buchanan and his tag partner Big Boss Man have been at odds with Kane recently, and we see footage of them handcuffing him to the ring ropes on a previous Raw, allowing Bull to shatter his hand with a chair. Nasty.

Kane's music gets a monster pop. We haven't seen him for a while, so I'm pretty excited too.

2. Bull Buchanan vs Kane
Bearer is out with Kane, and the Big Red Machine's hand is in a cast. Bull jumps Kane before the bell but immediately gets rocked with a few of those lovely uppercuts. I'll throw it out there; despite Undertaker forcing the whole "best pure striker" thing into his gimmick, I much prefer Kane's strikes. He's really going for it in the early stages of this one, clotheslining Buchanan to the canvas and throwing in a few stomps as well. "Kane is angry" is the point here, I think. Bull has had enough already and makes his way to the foot of the ramp, but Kane's after him and hits another lovely uppercut. Squash incoming? Back in the ring now and there's ANOTHER uppercut. I should have done a tally. He's easily into double figures already. Back body drop...and Bull flips over! But he only JUST lands on his feet, and has to use his hands to steady himself. I'd be impressed usually with a man of his size doing that, but after seeing his wonderful grace demonstrated at last month's show, that was actually below par for him. MESSY DDT to Kane, who clearly doesn't approve either and does his demonic sit-up. Whip into the corner and Buchanan springs one-footed to the top turnbuckle, turning 180 and falling into Kane. Lovely. Axe kick now (no spineroonie though), but it only gets 2.

Punches in the corner now but Kane no-sells them and walks slowly towards Bull. The heel gets desperate and fires off a few more rights, but the Big Red Machine keeps advancing. He throws Buchanan into the corner and fires off rights of his own. When Bull and Boss Man broke his hand, they really should have broken the right one. He never does anything with his left anyway. Bull drops Kane to his knees with some kind of dirty heel move (the camera missed it, focusing instead on Bearer at just the wrong moment). He heads to the top and comes off with a flying nothing, that most lethal of moves. Kane catches him by the throat and hooks him up for a biiiig Chokeslam! 1...2...3!

Winner: Kane 1/5 - Squash city, bitch. Kane looked pretty fluid though. Top performer of the card by default so far.

Kane ignites the pyro. Everyone's happy.

Triple H and Stephanie are backstage. Hey, they shipped that heel dressing room over to England! There's the same black leather sofas and potted plant. Trips talks about how pleased he is that Vince referred to him as a McMahon family member. Steph is slightly concerned. She THINKS her dad was referring to The Game, but she doesn't look certain.

The DX theme hits and Road Dogg is out with the lovely Tori. No X-Pac. Maybe he missed his flight. Road Dogg very courteously holds the ropes open for Tori as she enters, but it's entirely friendly. I don't think Pac should worry about losing his girlfriend. They're bros. Road Dogg wouldn't do that. Jesus, I'm just writing and writing without thinking. I'm on some stream of consciousness poo poo.

Road Dogg does his standard intro. And now...oh. It's the Acolytes. This is not going to be a good wrestling match.

3. Road Dogg vs Bradshaw
Bradshaw jumps Road Dogg before the bell (I think all three matches have started this way so far) and Tori proves herself better than pretty much every other valet by NOT immediately running for cover, and actually laying into Bradshaw from behind. He no-sells it of course, but the effort was there! He backs her down into a corner, but Road Dogg is there to make the save and the match officially gets underway. Faarooq is joining JR and King on commentary! Hooray! This could genuinely be very funny. "This won't take long" he states. I do hope not, Ron. Bradshaw and Road Dogg brawl to the outside and the latter finds his head bounced off the ring steps. Bradshaw continues to stalk Tori around the ring (man, he knows how to hold a grudge) and Faarooq immediately abandons his commentary post to cut off her escape route. The referee - of all people - escorts her to safety while Faarooq beats on Road Dogg. The APA double team Road Dogg (surely a DQ) and Faarooq LAYS INTO HIM with a really hard right hand. Wow. The ref orders him to the back, and that certainly didn't last long. Worst guest commentary stint ever. Hahaha, he's protesting his innocence for some reason. That was blatant, dude.

Finally the action returns to the ring and Bradshaw hits a clubbing blow to the back of Road Dogg. He beats him down with very Bradshaw-like offence. There's an elbow drop, a hard whip to the turnbuckle, and a sloppy neckbreaker. I'm not sure why the Acolytes are so popular. They really are quite boring. Woah, out of nowhere Bradshaw decides to lift Road Dogg into a Torture Rack!? Road Dogg fights out and charges...but gets decapitated with a big boot. He gets back into it with a DDT and now both men are down. This is very poor. They get back up and Bradshaw sets up for a powerbomb, but it's reversed into a back body drop. A nice dropkick sends the APA man to the outside, where hopefully he'll just walk to the back and end this contest. He doesn't, instead rushing back in and hitting a spear. A rather slow spear. Road Dogg battles back with his two moves of doom: the dancing punches and the crazy knee drop thing. The end of the match must be near. Yup, here we go. Road Dogg gets whipped into the ropes and DROPPED with the Clothesline From Hell. 1...2...Tori is kicking at Bradshaw's legs through the apron! She's so badass. Bradshaw gets up to confront her and she winds up for a slap...blocked! Road Dogg rolls Bradshaw up! 1...2..ohh I thought that was the finish! Both men are back up and...

...oh my god...

ROAD DOGG ACTUALLY HIS HIS FINISHER! The pumphandle connects! 1...2...3!!!!!

Winner: Road Dogg 1/5 - I was going to give this a 0.5 but I'm so psyched about that finish! It gets an extra half point for free (and the ending sequence was pretty well thought out, to be fair)! Road Dogg finally hit his finisher! Hooray for everything!

Terri is backstage with Moolah and Michael Cole. Cole asks how she's been preparing for her...oh good lord...for her "Arm Wrestling Challenge" with The Kat. Terri replies that she's been focusing on nutrition, before eating a banana very seductively. Subtle. Moolah hypes Terri's chances.

4. Arm Wrestling Challenge: The Kat vs Terri
Lawler's in the ring because OF COURSE he's the host of this. Mae is out in a crown for some reason. Terri's breasts look like they're soldered on. Moolah looks eerily like Heath Ledger. And The Kat...looks quite lovely actually. There's an arm wrestling table set up in the middle of the ring and the two lock up. Terri doesn't let the contest begin, claiming that Kat has oil on her hands. Lawler checks and disagrees. Moolah ain't happy. They lock up again...and again Terri calls it off. She wants a drink of water first. Again they lock up, and AGAIN Terri stops. Now she's doing stretches. Oh...out of nowhere she takes her skirt off, revealing that her shirt is actually an incredibly revealing one-piece. King is obviously ecstatic, JR less so. They lock up again...OH JESUS CHRIST. Now Kat stops and Mae helps massage her arm. It's like they structured this segment purely to annoy everybody. Why would they have this on the card!?

FINALLY they lock up and get started. They go back and forth and Kat looks to have it...but Terri spits water into her face! Mae empties the rest of the water bottle over Terri's head and it allows Kat to win. It's over everybody!

Winner: The Kat DUD/5 - Mhm.

The Kat is ecstatic. Yeahhhh! You lost at WrestleMania but at least you've evened the score in an arm wrestling match at an English PPV! Vindication! Terri plays sore loser and loosens Kat's bra string from behind. Kat covers her tits and just stands there disapprovingly as Terri celebrates for some reason. King asks if Kat's embarrassed and she shrugs and uncovers her breasts (the camera immediately cuts away), causing Lawler to scream like a banshee. Terri and Moolah are defeated for some reason now, and Kat leaves triumphantly with Mae. The logic behind diva posturing is complex indeed.

Worst opening to a PPV...EVER.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Insurrextion - May 6th 2000


PART 2

So part one was pretty terrible, but we open this part with a view of Rikishi and Big Show in matching thongs. Great. They stride around backstage and Crash Holly laughs at them (Hardcore belt in hand).

The Rock is WALKING.

5. The Dudley Boyz vs Rikishi and Big Show
Bubba takes a "WE WANT TABLES" sign from the crowd and holds it aloft during the Dudleys' entrance. Big Show is announced as "Showkishi". D-Von jumps Big Show before the bell, continuing the theme of the night it seems. Show beats him around for a while with big boots and elbows. Rikishi and Bubba are in now, and immediately Rikishi goes for the charge in the corner. Bubba gets his boot in the way and goes on a charge of his own, but eats a big Samoan drop. Both Dudleys are in now to double team him, but Rikishi simply clonks their heads together. D-Von regains control with a drop toe hold and Bubba hits an elbow drop. They drag Rikishi over to their corner and it looks like he'll be face in peril for a while. Bubba smacks a hard chop into his ample bosom while the crowd chant for tables. He hits a DDT which Rimishi immediately pops up from (Samoan = hard head), toppling the Dudley with a nice superkick. Bubba soon regains control, however, and Big Show's fury from the apron distracts the ref long enough for the Dudleys to hit the Wassup headbutt. I'll be honest, this match is really slow. I don't want to suggest that these guys are phoning it in, but...

Rikishi ends the Dudley dominance with a double clothesline (although he wasn't really in THAT much peril anyway) and makes the hot tag to Show. Headbutts for everyone! Clothesline to D-Von. Bubba gets scooped up like a child for a big sidewalk slam. The Dudleys get whipped around (into each other, into the same corner, etc) until eventually they end up in opposite corners. Big Show sits D-Von down with a headbutt, while Rikishi does the same to Bubba with a charge. Synchronized stinkfaces, but Bubba is quickly up to toss Rikishi out of the ring. NEVER trust a man who can shake off a stinkface so quickly. Bubba begins to get a table out from under the ring, but abandons it to save D-Von from Show inside the ring. The ref takes a bump and this could well be table time. NO, EVEN BETTER! EDGE AND CHRISTIAN MAKE A RUN-IN! Christian distracts the recovering ref while Edge is in, and delivers a SPEAR to Bubba! The champs get out of dodge while Big Show measures Bubba...Chokeslam! That's the three.

Winners: Big Show and Rikishi 1/5 - Very slow and uninspiring. I got excited when the champs arrived on the scene, but they departed before long. Hopefully they'll crop up later on the card.

Too Cool are out to help celebrate. They try to get the Dudleys to stay and join in. I'm not sure that's wise, boys. Bubba puts his glasses on Scotty, and Too Cool give the Dudleys their yellow shades in return. This is...adorable? There's a momentary tense stand-off between Bubba and Rikishi, but it only serves as a dramatic pause before the Dudley busts out some crazy moves. I'm a little bit let down. I wanted to see some fools go through tables.

Kurt Angle is out and about in London, introducing himself to random people on the street as "Kurt Angle: Olympic Hero". I love Kurt.

A recap video shows Benoit losing his Intercontinental title on the previous Smackdown to Jericho, who cheap-shotted him with the belt when the ref was incapacitated (in fairness to Y2J, it was Benoit who shoved the referee out of the ring in the first place). The Wolverine faces Angle next.

6. Kurt Angle vs Chris Benoit
Angle cuts a promo during his entrance about the children of England being frail, weak, unhealthy, and uneducated. Some children in the crowd point gleefully to themselves. British crowds don't respond to heel promos as predictably as Americans, it seems. He gets some proper heat by claiming that the States saved England in WWII. It's the classics that are the best. Benoit is out with an ugly black eye. I wonder how he got that (they claim it's from Jericho's belt shot). Crash Holly scampers out with his Hardcore title and makes his way to commentary. JR and King are puzzled. Apparently he's looking for a fight and can't find one anywhere. Slightly random, but okay.

Meanwhile, Benoit bucks the trend by waiting for the bell before attacking Angle, lighting him up with a few chops and a shoulder block. They run the ropes for a little bit before Angle backdrops Benoit's head onto the top rope and sets about him with a few stomps. He ducks a wild chop from Benoit and shoves him into the corner by his hair. Brutal. Already this is the best match of the night. Crash is still jabbering inanely on commentary, by the way. Kurt beats Chris around ringside, bouncing his head into this and that. Crash hypes the 24/7 rules of the Hardcore belt. I hope somebody jumps him soon just so he'll shut up. They make it back into the ring and Angle hits a fantastic belly-to-belly suplex. I'm in shock to actually see some good wrestling! Long may it continue. Angle continues to beat the hell out of Benoit, and this is looking almost like a squash! Ah there we go; Benoit whips Kurt chest-first into the turnbuckle and catches him on the rebound with a German suplex. And a second. Aaaaand a third, bridged, for 1...2...and Angle kicks out. Both men stagger to their feet...lightning fast inside cradle by Benoit gets another two count. Angle charges with a clothesline and gets caught in the Crippler Crossface! Kurt, in desperation, shoves the ref away and thumbs the Rabid Wolverine right in the eye. Sneaky. He scrambles up but Benoit takes him right back down with a back suplex, and he heads up top for the Diving Headbutt...but Angle rolls clear! Kurt ducks a couple of wild punches and hooks up Benoit for the Olympic Slam! JR isn't quite sure of the name yet though, so this must be fairly early in its existence. Anyway, it's enough for the pinfall.

Winner: Kurt Angle 2/5 - Perfectly fine, certainly better than anything else on the show so far, but too short to get a higher score. It felt like a TV match. The crowd seemed quite dead for this one too, which is a shame because it's easily the performance most deserving of a loud reaction. I guess they preferred The Kat and Terri wasting fifteen minutes of everybody's life instead. I DIGRESS. Angle looked sharp here in particular.

Kurt celebrates in his typically over the top fashion, dropping to his knees in triumph.

Michael Cole is backstage with Shane and asks who he thinks Vince was referring to when he said "a McMahon family member" will walk out of London as champion. Shane believes his father was referring to him and gets rather full of himself. Cole looks at him as though he's deluded, which is probably accurate.

I've just realised that Crash Holly's appearance on commentary for the last match went literally nowhere. Strange. I hope there's at least a point to him being in the building later on.

JUST as I say that we cut back to the arena, and Holly is still sat with JR and King. An unfamiliar theme plays and The British Bulldog charges out with a ref in tow to a big pop! He makes a beeline for Crash, who leaps over a crowd barrier and tries to escape. Looks like this one's for the Hardcore Title folks.

7. WWF Hardcore Championship: Crash Holly (c) vs The British Bulldog
Davey Boy drags Holly back over the barrier and beats him around ringside. The fans are going pretty crazy, it has to be said. Crash scuttles up the ramp but Bulldog catches up and hits a big vertical suplex. He takes the champ all the way back down to ringside and bounces his head off the apron, but Crash gains the upper hand with a whip into the ring steps. Somebody use a weapon! Holly obliges, rolling an assortment of poo poo into the ring that Raven would be proud of. He wraps some sort of cable or collar around Bulldog's neck and chokes him for a little while, before picking up a kendo stick and ramming it into his gut. Boooo, I don't want that. Smack him in the head with it; I'm craving the sound it makes. Crash fetches a chair from the timekeeper's area and sets it up in the ring, but it backfires as Bulldog hits a drop toe hold onto it. I'm not really enjoying this so far. I want Blackman to turn up and show them how it's done. OH poo poo! Davey Boy kicks it up a notch, picking up the chair and not even bothering to fold it before swinging it hard onto Holly's legs. A kendo stick shot to the ribs follows (booo, go for the head, always the head) before the weapon gets broken over Holly's back (not actually as badass a spot as it sounds. He held it by either end and drove it down two-handed). He places the two pieces on the canvas, scoops up Crash, and hits a running powerslam into the wreckage. That's enough for the three and a huge pop for the Brit.

Winner and NEW Hardcore Champion: The British Bulldog 0.5/5 - Garbage. This was actually better BEFORE the weapons got introduced, and that just makes me sad. In fairness, I winced at the chairshot to Holly's legs. That one seemed to have feeling behind it. The rest of this match was uninspiring, however.

Not even Angle vs Benoit could drag this show from the mire. Maybe part three will be better, right guys. Guys?

JGKing fucked around with this message at 15:33 on Sep 29, 2013

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Insurrextion - May 6th 2000


PART 3

Edge and Christian are outside the venue charging a small boy money for an autograph. They then take a picture with another fan but cut him directly out of the shot. Michael Cole - of all people - asks what the hell is going on, and they reply that their behavior is justified because there have never been WWF superstars like them. Looks like the boys have gone full heel.

8. WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Edge and Christian (c) vs The Hardy Boyz
JR angrily mentions that the champs used to come out of the crowd, but feel that they're "too big" for it now. We cut with perfect timing to the pair striding down the entrance ramp with huge grins on their faces. I've said it before in this thread, but I loving love these guys. Christian delays the start of the match by having a prolonged team talk with Edge in their corner. Matt gets impatient and slaps him across the chops. They do the whip/slide/leapfrog thang before Christian hits a dropkick. He takes Hardy down and applies an ARMBAR~! Matt battles back with a powerslam and tags in his bro, and the pair work together to stomp a mudhole in Christian. Not one of Austin quality, but good enough. Jeff is wearing a ludicrously tight, see-through, long-sleeved t-shirt that doesn't even come down to his naval. It is offensively bad. Edge agrees, immediately snapping him down with a neckbreaker after receiving the tag from Christian. He falls victim to a headscissors which sends him between the ropes to the outside, and Jeff comes off the ropes looking for a plancha...but stops himself at the last second as Edge dashes for safety. All four men end up back in the ring and Christian gets beaten down in the corner (again). The Hardys whip Edge into him and his knees clatter into Christian's face. Roll up on Edge, 1...2...but he kicks out.

Matt and Christian become the legal men, and a chop battle turns into an exchange of heavy right hands. Matt wins and shakes his fist in pain before tagging Jeff in. The pair hit a double legdrop on Christian before whipping both champs into the same corner and hitting a big Poetry in Motion. Christian and Jeff brawl on the outside, a battle won by the champ who whips the Hardy heavily into the guardrail. In the ring he continues the beatdown with a high-angle powerslam and a snapmare takeover. I think Jeff is in full face-in-peril mode, as he reaches out desperately for his brother. Christian clamps on a CHINLOCK, BAH GAWD, but Jeff struggles to his feet. He runs for the ropes but gets yanked down by his hair. Matt gets frustrated and unwittingly distracts the ref, allowing Edge to pull the old "slap hands behind the ref's back" fake-tag trick. I wonder why the refs always believe the heels when this happens, but never trust the faces when they miss a legitimate tag being made. Don't they know who the good and bad guys are!? Jeff and Edge enter into a LOVELY sequence of moves, the Hardy flipping into a pinfall attempt only for Edge to bridge his body upwards. The champ hooks Jeff's arms as if setting up for an Unprettier, but flips him over his back and fluidly into a powerbomb attempt, only for Hardy to wriggle all the way over into a sunset flip. It gets two, and that whole exchange was fantastic.

Jeff struggles over to his corner and Christian resorts to distracting the ref, who does JUST what I said before and misses the clear tag between the Hardys, before rushing over to usher Matt back onto the apron. Edge and Jeff both attempt crossbodies and clatter into one another, both ending up down and out in the center of the ring. Jeff almost makes the tag again, but Christian dashes in and puts the boots to him. Matt has loving HAD ENOUGH, and flies with an elbow drop onto the already-prone Edge, before sending Christian to the floor with a single right hand. He dashes back to his own corner and Jeff FINALLY makes the tag! Matt clears house very slowly on both champs before heading to the top, but Christian intercepts him and stands on Edge's shoulders for a BIG superplex. Jeff is back in to help, however, and takes Edge out of the equation with a clothesline over the top rope. The brothers hit a double-suplex on Christian and Matt makes the cover, but Edge pulls him out of the ring at the very last second! Jeff is pissed and PLANCHAS beautifully over the top rope onto Edge. Christian is sent back in the ring to eat a Twist of Fate, and Jeff follows up with the Swanton Bomb! The titles seem about to change hands, but Edge crashes the party with ring bell shots for everybody. It's a DQ, folks.

Winners: The Hardy Boyz 1.5/5 - A fairly lackluster effort from four guys who can certainly do better. There was no real fluidity to the bout, with the exception of Edge and Jeff's exchange and the finish. The rest of the match trundled from spot to spot, and the DQ finish further sapped its quality. A shame.

No bell rings to signify the end of the match (because Edge just used it to brain the Hardys) but the challengers are announced as winners. E&C don't seem to care and beat them down until...THE DUDLEYS COME STORMING DOWN THE RAMP TO A BIG POP, and seem to be looking for revenge for earlier in the night. 3D to Christian, and Bubba heads under the ring to grab a table! Edge is propped on Bubba's shoulders atop the turnbuckles and driven through the wood, which is actually a far lighter shade of brown in England it seems. Fun little factoid, there.

Feud recap video now detailing Chyna's switch of allegiance from Jericho to Eddie Guerrero. She also costs him his European Title in the process (which we then saw Eddie go on to defend against Essa Rios at Backlash).

JR explains that a coin toss will determine which championship will be put on the line here, Eddie's European Title, or Jericho's Intercontinental strap. Chyna cuts a promo in Spanish which nobody understands. Eddie explains that she said none of YOU PEOPLE deserve a champion as great as him, and that nobody can take his Latino heat. Jericho enters next with his new belt, won recently from Benoit in between the PPVs. He has a mic now, and welcomes everybody to "LONDON...IS...JERICHO!". He wishes those two jackasses would "bloody well piss off". Good English there. The crowd are eating this up. He oooover.

9. WWF European Championship Match: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs Chris Jericho
Eddie loses the coin-toss, much to the delight of the crowd. The pair brawl wildly to start, before Jericho hits a lovely monkey flip on a charging Guerrero. A clothesline sends him to the outside where he decides enough is enough, and begins to head for the back. Chyna tries to persuade Eddie to stay and fight, to no avail, so she simply grabs him and shoves him back towards the ring. He manages to gain the upper hand with a snappy powerslam, but Jericho battles back with a clothesline and a few chops. Inside cradle out of nowhere by Eddie! It only gets two but man that was fast. Y2J hits a vertical suplex and does his cocky pin (has that ever pinned anyone) without success. A spinning heel kick sends Guerrero out of the ring but Jericho misses with the subsequent baseball slide. He chases the Mexican around but runs right into a clothesline from Chyna. Back in the ring Eddie heads up top, but Jericho battles up after him. They exchange a few punches before Jericho manages to hit a gorgeous superplex. Good work by these two so far. They fight into another corner and Eddie hits an equally lovely headscissors from the top rope. Very crisp.

A quick exchange of pinfall attempts results in a stalemate, but Eddie is a shade quicker with his follow-up clothesline. They go at it pretty equally until Jericho tries to bust out his powerbomb, but Guerrero flips over the back with ludicrous speed into a sunset flip. Jericho kicks out and decks him with a single right. Eddie fights back and puts Jericho in about the third abdominal submission so far this match. He's been using them intermittently throughout. This one involves holding Y2J in the Vertebreaker position and bending forwards to stretch him out. Jericho flips down onto his feet and lifts Eddie onto HIS back, reversing the move entirely. Eddie sits up onto Jericho's shoulders and roars in triumph, but Y2J slams him down face first into the canvas. A very unique exchange there. Jericho hooks Eddie up into the powerbomb position and charges with him towards the ropes, but Guerrero manages to hook the top rope and hit a headscissors, sending both men spilling to the outside.

Eddie pretends to have hurt his back, keeping the referee outside the ring as Jericho crawls back in. This allows Chyna to scoot in and plant Y2J with a DDT. 1...2...and Jericho kicks out to a pop from the crowd. Eddie goes for a back suplex but Jericho lands on his feet, before spinning Guerrero around and nailing him with a powerbomb. He keeps hold of the waist and scoops him up for a second, before yelling to the crowd and hitting the Lionsault. But Chyna pops up on the apron to distract the referee from making a pinfall! Jericho is furious and hits his springboard dropkick to knock her off the apron. He turns back to Eddie...who NAILS him with the European title! 1...2...3!

Winner and STILL WWF European Champion: Eddie Guerrero 2.5/5 - Easily the best match of the night so far, and one full of interesting spots. It was perhaps a little low-octane at times, and also suffered from a tired crowd and the second cheap ending in a row, but the talent of these two still managed to shine through.

Eddie and Chyna celebrate on the ramp while Jericho lies out cold in the ring.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Insurrextion - May 6th 2000


PART 4

Shane, Stephanie, and Triple H are backstage. Shane and Trips argue over who's going to pin The Rock to become the new champion. Steph puts forward the idea that it doesn't matter, as long as the belt comes back to the family. Triple H and Shane both claim "it matters to ME!" before stalking off in opposite directions. Uh oh.

A hype video covers The Rock's triumphing over Triple H at Backlash. The next night on Raw, Vince puts him in a steel cage match against Shane. I'm not sure if that's a smart move. Unsurprisingly, Rocky wins (despite interference from Vince and The Game) and takes the title to Insurrextion.

8. WWF Championship Match: The Rock (c) vs Shane McMahon vs Triple H
Shane is out with Vince in tow. Triple H is out with Steph. The Rock is all by his lonesome, and gets a thunderous pop from the London crowd. Trips and Shane have a team talk in the corner and Hunter suggests that the McMahon stay out of the way. He and Rock tee off on one another to start, and Rocky beats him into a corner. Shane makes the save, only to eat a few right hands himself. The numbers advantage begins to pay off as the heels get the upper hand, but Rocky comes off the ropes with a boot to Shane, before laying the smackdown on The Game and knocking him out of the ring. Shane gets the same treatment and the heels recover on the outside for a moment. Rock is out after them and clotheslines Triple H, before stealing Lawler's crown and placing it on a groggy Shane's head. The McMahon takes a big right hand and the champ seems to be rolling until Triple H drops him chest-first into the security railing. They all return to the ring and Shane can't catch a break, getting knocked down again from a Rock clothesline. Triple H hits a neckbreaker to down the champ, and the heels have fun dancing around and taking turns to jab at the champ. Shane takes the dancing slightly too far and The Rock explodes off his feet with a big clothesline. Clothesline to Triple H too, before both challengers are knocked down with...Bubba Ray's elbow move? Alright then...

Triple H manages to reverse the momentum with a facebuster, before Vince gets involved too while the ref's back is turned, choking Rocky against the bottom rope. The crowd break into an "rear end in a top hat" chant (surely it should be "arsehole" over here) and Triple H tells them to suck it. Rocky finds himself in a sleeper hold which lasts quite a loooong time, but he manages to get his arm up on the third referee check. He battles to his feet and pulls Shane into a sleeper, while still locked in the Game's chokehold as well. The three struggle briefly, until Shane drops to the canvas and snaps Rocky and Triple H's heads back. The Rock builds up some momentum running the ropes, but Triple H stops him dead with a brutal high knee! 1...2...Shane breaks it up! Uh oh. He tries to apologize but Hunter shoves him away. Shane seems to accept this, but sucker punches The Game as he turns away! He heads up top and comes off with...I think a moonsault attempt, but Triple H rolls quickly out of the way and Shane is able to land on his feet! Nice. The Rock rejoins the action with ANOTHER clothesline to Shane (he's taken several of those) before dishing out DDTs for everyone. Steph is up on the apron to distract the ref from the ensuing pinfall, and The Rock angrily tries to whip Shane into a corner of the ring. The McMahon reverses it and catches Rocky (sloppily) on the rebound with a Pedigree attempt...but he can't lift the champ! Rock trips Shane's legs from under him and slingshots him into the corner, and the ref gets caught as well. Oh no. Heeling is sure to follow.

Vince grabs Rocky's foot as he runs the ropes, and The Rock reaches down and grabs him by the hair in retaliation. He unwisely takes his eyes off The Game however, who snatches the title belt and KOs the champ with it! There's no ref to count the fall, but Vince gestures furiously to the back and Brisco comes out to act as a replacement. 1...2...Rocky kicks out! Shane is back in with a chair now, and measures the champ as Triple H holds him up...but of course he manages to slip away, and The Game takes the chairshot full in the face. Rocky begins to beat Triple H down in the corner, but Vince slides in and snatches up the chair. He measures the champ, who turns and backs him down, but this allows Trips to hit the low blow and a big Pedigree! JR despairs, but The Rock draws on his reserves of PPV RESILIENCY (as well as his power of "no-big-title-changes-on-English-PPVs") to kick out. Triple H is really pissed now, and knocks out Brisco with a single punch. The Rock gets hooked up for a second Pedigree...and I'm expecting a reversal, but Triple H just goes ahead and hits it. Wow. He makes another cover and Vince begins to strip the unconscious Brisco of his referee shirt...but THE CROWD GOES MILD as Early Hebner jogs awkwardly to the ring.

(I'm not sure where Shane has got to during all of this. Perhaps he realised wrestling wasn't really for him, and quietly left.)

Hebner drags Vince out of the ring as he counts 2, and the boss is livid. He grabs Earl by the collar and winds up to drop him, but Hebner ducks and Vince punches the ringpost. Triple H goes to the top (why? What's he gonna do, a 450 splash?) and Shane makes his return at the WORST possible time, inadvertently shaking the ropes and crotching the Game atop the turnbuckles. Vince chases Earl into the ring where Rocky is finally back to his feet, and manages to hit a groggy Rock Bottom on the boss. He turns and punches Trips off the top rope to the outside, before levelling Shane with a spinebuster! The People's Elbow follows, as does an ecstatically received 3 count.

Winner and STILL WWF Champion: The Rock 1.5/5 - This seemed like a lovely re-hash of the Backlash main event, except without Austin to inject some excitement. An ungodly clusterfuck, which prevented the action from ever really picking up momentum. The Rock looked sharp here, to be fair to him, and Triple H made the best of some pretty difficult booking to work around. Shane tried, bless him, he tried.

The Rock celebrates, as do I, because this loving PPV is finally over. I had a glimmer of hope that perhaps Insurrextion would see the wrestlers cut loose and maybe even try out some new stuff, but this was the very definition of a filler show. No real changes aside from Crash dropping the Hardcore belt to the British Bulldog, and most of the workers looked unmotivated and sluggish. Summary to follow. It won't be a happy one.

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
INSURREXTION 2000 SUMMARY


Match Of The Night
Eddie Guerrero vs Chris Jericho - The only above-average match on the card (Angle vs Benoit would have been too, but they had a really short time slot, presumably to leave room for that loving arm wrestling segment). Eddie and Jericho looked really crisp and motivated here, something which seemed even more apparent on a night in which most of the card never got out of second gear.

Wrestler Of The Night
1. Chris Jericho - Worked his rear end off alongside Eddie to deliver the match of the night. Sold well consistently, too.
2. Eddie Guerrero - The other half of a consistently fluid and impressive match.
3. Kurt Angle - Looked sharp in his match with Benoit, but robbed by an unfairly short time slot.
4. Jeff Hardy - Delivered a couple of great spots in the tag match, and put in a lot of effort as the face-in-peril.
5. Chris Benoit - Didn't stand out as much as Angle in their match, but still played a vital role in its success.

A collection of average-to-good performances form the top five of a very unimpressive card. The only other person close to getting on was The Rock, for being the only real spark in a swamp of a main event. Triple H looked alright too.

Wrestler Of The Year Standings
1. Triple H - 10
Jeff Hardy - 10

2. Mick Foley - 9
Kurt Angle - 9

3. Eddie Guerrero - 7

4. Christian - 6

5. Edge - 5
Chris Jericho - 5

6. Bubba Ray Dudley - 4

7. The Rock - 2
Matt Hardy - 2
Scotty 2 Hotty - 2

8. Rikishi - 1
Kane - 1
Esse Rios - 1
Chris Benoit - 1

So Jeff Hardy joins The Game in joint-first place (who'da thunk it!?) while Jericho finally gets on the board with five points. Angle continues to move the chains with a string of consistently good showings, and I'd say he looks the most likely to move into first place soon.

INSURREXTION SCORE: 3/10
It was between a score of 3 and 4 here, and I felt Insurrextion deserved the lower of the two for simply not trying. The WWF were clearly phoning it in here on an English PPV (just as I feared) and all but two of the matches were very uninspiring. Credit to Jericho, Eddie, Angle and Benoit for treating this like a real PPV - is it any surprise that these four would go on to be regarded as workrate kings? - but the rest of the matches on the card were dragged down by a string of unenthusiastic performances. Jeff Hardy, The Rock, and Triple H perhaps can't be counted in that same boat as the rest of the card, as they put in some good work too, but they couldn't save this show from being an utter chore to watch. Terrible.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 17:23 on Sep 20, 2013

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Judgement Day - May 21st 2000 - Louisville, Kentucky

PART 1

It's JUDGEMENT DAY, the creepiest of all WWF PPVs. And the main event of this one features (guess who) Triple H and The Rock. But this won't be any Triple H vs The Rock match. It'll be a one hour iron man extravaganza! I'm immediately pessimistic for a number of reasons - although fine wrestlers, neither man is really renowned as the kind of workhorse capable of pulling off a one hour classic, this feud has grown quite stale, and (perhaps most importantly) we're likely to get sixty minutes of Vince-related shenanigans. This has the potential the be the mother of all clusterfucks.

Also on the card tonight is a singles match between Big Show and his former manager Shane McMahon, as well as the culmination of a growing feud between DX and those drat Dudleys. Looks like Tori is Bubba's latest table-target. I'm not too concerned for her. Already in this thread she's walked off a Tombstone and gotten the better of Bradshaw.

JR and King SCREAM THEIR WELCOMES but we go almost immediately backstage to the HEEL LOCKER ROOM. The black leather sofas are there, as are Vince, Triple H, Steph, DX and Shane. Packed house. Brisco rushes along (wearing the Hardcore Title. Looks like he's the current champ) and takes orders for coffee. Way to make the belt look good. Vince hypes up the heels for their respective matches but gets interrupted by a commotion outside. The Headbangers are beating on Brisco but the Hardcore Champ manages to escape. Looks like that 24/7 rule is still in effect.

Shawn Michaels is WALKING backstage to a huge pop. He's in ref gear and will apparently be in charge of the Iron Man match. That could spice things up nicely. He's slightly eager though, already fully dressed for his duties. Calm down Shawn.

Angle is out to open the show. He cuts a promo explaining that he has teamed up with Edge and Christian (HOORAYYYY!) and has since been receiving a lot of attention from teenage girls. He brilliantly urges them to be clean, pure, and abstinent, before welcoming E&C to the ring. The tag champs are out with a couple of mysterious sacks. Christian explains that they are about to unveil a brand new five second photo opportunity, this one called the "Kentucky Jug Band". They bring a set of Southern hillbilly-esque costumes out of the sacks and Edge even includes some horrible false teeth. I guess I'd be offended if I was from Kentucky. I dunno.

1. Kurt Angle, Edge, and Christian vs Too Cool and Rikishi
The face team are solidifying themselves as PPV monsters in this thread. A quick check informs me that Sexay and Rikishi are undefeated (barring the Royal Rumble match itself), and Scotty only has one loss (to Dean Malenko). Beasts. The heels jump the faces before the bell, but Rikishi is quick to assert his dominance, whipping all three men into the same corner. Scotty delivers a running rump-shot to the trio followed by Sexay, but the heels wisely bail before Rikishi can charge in. Sexay and Sexton (gettit?) go at it in the ring, with Edge eating a snappy enziguri. Both guys tag out, allowing Christian and Scotty to take the stage. The latter wins the ensuing battle with a vertical suplex, but his celebratory moonwalk allows Christian an opportunity to blindside him (although it does delight the hot crowd as well). Edge and Sexay interfere and the faces again win out, squashing both tag champs in the same corner before hitting Edge with a drop-toe hold into the groin of his partner. Sexay clears the ring and there are loud "Rikishi" chants from the crowd. Grandmaster busts some moves in the middle of the ring, but his pants fall down. SLAPSTICK. Scotty and Rikishi laugh while Sexay sorts himself out, but all mirth is forgotten as Christian sucker punches the Too Cool man from behind.

Christian does a mock Too Cool dance, which allows Sexay to make a sneaky tag to Rikishi. The Samoan is in to a big pop and hurls the tag champs around the ring, before grabbing Angle by the neck and launching him in over the top rope. Angle is up and dives into a sunset flip over Rikishi, who is able to stay on his feet. The Samoan looks down, preparing to squash the Olympian...but Angle JUST scoots out of the way in time! Lovely sequence. The heels try some heeling as Angle distracts the ref, allowing Edge and Christian to choke him in their corner. This only angers the Samoan, however, and he drops the champs off the apron with a couple of rights before giving Angle the same treatment. It all breaks down as Christian rushes the ring, only for Rikishi to tag Scotty in to catch the oncoming champ with a bulldog! The crowd comes unstuck for the impending Worm, but Angle stops the party with an immediate clothesline. He clearly loves the fact that he's ruined everybody's fun, too.

The crowd begin an "Angle sucks" chant, and he very angrily hits a vertical suplex in response. Christian receives the tag and charges the cornered Scotty, but the face is able to get both feet up to slam into his face. Christian goes for a powerbomb but Scotty flips out, before hooking up Christian for one of his own...and driving him backwards onto the top rope! Nice! The hot tag is made to Rikishi who clears house with rights and headbutts, before whipping all three opponents into the same corner and squashing them with a big charge. Edge and Christian stumble out into clotheslines, but Angle flops down into the worst position possible...and is hit with the Stink Face! He sets up Edge for the Rikishi Driver now, but Christian makes the save. Angle and Christian hit a double DDT and give one another an adorable high five, but Rikishi no-sells that and drops both with a double clothesline. SPEAR! Edge hits Rikishi out of nowhere! He mimics Scotty's Worm setup, but the man himself dashes into the ring and hits the bulldog on the dancing champ! It's time for the real Worm! It connects, but Angle is up now and charges Sexay. He ducks and SUPERKICKS the Olympic hero! Bang! Scotty hits his fist drop on Sexay as well, while Rikishi sets up Edge for the Rikishi Driver. Christian has had enough and saves his partner (again) with a ring bell shot! The ref misses it, but is too busy breaking up a fight elsewhere to count the resultant pinfall! Karma. Sexay flies with the Hip Hop Drop onto Edge as he covers Rikishi! 1...2...Kurt dashes into the ring and dives onto them...but he's too late! Too Cool extend their streak of PPV dominance!

Winners: Too Cool and Rikishi 3/5 - A refreshingly crisp, exciting match, especially after the half-assed nature of Insurrextion. An entertaining contest from top to bottom, with everybody looking sharp (Angle in particular). A case could be made to suggest that the wrong team won, but I don't think it takes away from the match quality too much.

The heels leave and the faces are about to follow suit, but Sexay urges his partners back into the ring to don their yellow sunglasses and dance for the crowd. OF COURSE they can't resist.

Michael Cole is backstage with Shawn Michaels, and asks him where his allegiances lie in the main event. Michaels acknowledges that Triple H is an old friend of his, but vows to call it right down the middle. Cole asks him to address the rumours swirling on the internet that HBK is jealous of The Rock's fame and success, to which Michaels rolls his eyes. INTERNET NERDS, amirite? He says he's had enough of Cole's asinine questions and gives him a cocky slap on the cheek.

Eddie and Chyna loudly arrive in the parking lot and are confronted by Dean Malenko. He warns Chyna to stay out of the Radicalz' business, explaining that what's about to go down is between himself, Eddie, and Perry. Speak of the devil, Saturn shows up in the worst/best shirt I've ever seen. He and Dean do some ACTING (both are horrible) and Perry says something along the lines of "If you're gonna kiss someone's rear end, kiss the rear end of the guy who's gonna win. ME.". It didn't seem as though Malenko was kissing anybody's rear end at all, but who am I to question the wisdom of Perry Saturn?

The three are in a triple threat for Eddie's belt next. Looks like the Radicalz are continuing to fall apart.

2. WWF European Title: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs Perry Saturn vs Dean Malenko
JR mentions during Saturn's entrance that he's the only Radical not to win any gold since arriving in the WWF. That's mean, Jim. You mentioned that a lot at the last PPV too. Malenko is out with his Light Heavyweight belt, but only Eddie's gold is on the line. Eddie is immediately double teamed at the bell, and Malenko holds him in place while Saturn comes off the top with a big knee. The pair share a smug handshake. Malenko gives Perry a hand with a hard whip into the cornered Eddie, but Saturn immediately breaks off the deal with a clothesline to his stablemate. Shortest deal ever. Malenko is pissed and hits a few right hands, before decapitating Saturn with a SICK heel kick! Very nice. It's worth noting that Eddie is way more over than either of the other men involved, judging by the pop for entrances alone. They're pretty much silent during this stage of the match too, with Guerrero resting in the corner. Saturn remembers that he's the biggest dude in the match, and starts chucking fools around. Eddie manages to low-blow both men with a single kick, before going old school on Malenko (almost. He hops up to the top rope before coming off with a hurricanrana).

Saturn looks to powerbomb Eddie but he hits ANOTHER hurricanrana, before trying to nail a third on Malenko...who slams him down with a nice powerslam! Saturn tries to take control but Eddie stops him with a tornado DDT, before running into a double underhook powerbomb from the impressive Malenko. Dean tries to apply the Texas Cloverleaf to the champ, but is forced to abandon with his attempt to counter Saturn's charge with a clothesline. Eddie and Malenko scrap for a while and end up on the top turnbuckle, but Saturn scoots under Guerrero and carries him away on his shoulders. He throws the Latino onto the top rope (crotching Malenko in the process), before hurling the champ across the ring with a surprisingly nice belly-to-belly! Perry goes up after Malenko now, but finds himself thrown to the canvas. Eddie has a go, but Malenko lifts him onto his shoulders and hits a super gutbuster from the top! Ouch! Perry is on the scene now to steal Dean's thunder and heads up top. He comes off with a really ugly Frogsplash (stolen finisher! Hooray) but Malenko is there to break it up at 2.

Now Saturn trips Malenko's legs and applies the Texas Cloverleaf! He's on a stealing spree! Eddie breaks it up, however, and spikes Perry with a BRAINBUSTAAAAA~! Saturn ends up on the outside as the other two scrap for dominance. Dean hooks Guerrero for a back suplex, but Saturn is in now and hooks Malenko! Double back suplex! Perry rolls to the outside to recover for a second...and Chyna KOs him with the roses Eddie gave to her during their entrance! Either they were loaded or Saturn has some allergy problems to address. Back in the ring Eddie dives into a sunset flip, but Malenko grabs the ropes. Chyna is up on the apron now and swings the roses at Dean, but he grabs them out of her hand! She drops down and trips the Light Heavyweight champ, sending his face crashing into the flowers! Eddie rolls him into a cradle...1...2...3!

Winner and STILL WWF European Champion: Eddie Guerrero 2.5/5 - This developed into a great little match after a slightly underwhelming start. All three men looked good (even Saturn!), and told a decent story throughout. Bravo.

Eddie rolls out of the ring and victoriously pulls a lead pipe out of the bunch of flowers. That sneaky devil!

We see a recap of Gerald Brisco winning the Hardcore belt on Smackdown in a hilarious segment. He convinces a ref to quietly count the pinfall on former champ Crash Holly while he is sleeping, before silently celebrating. On the way out of the room the ref trips over a chair and Crash wakes up. Brisco takes off.

We catch up with Brisco now, currently hiding in a toilet cubicle. He gets scared by his own reflection in the mirror as he sneaks out of the room. Fantastic.

A hype video is shown for the feud between Shane McMahon and Big Show. It begins with Shane angry at Big Show for his new fun-loving attitude, reminding him that he was the first man eliminated in the WrestleMania main event. He tells him he's worthless and will never amount to anything in the ring. Big Show is furious and chases Shane around backstage on Raw. The following Smackdown, Shane pounces on a fallen Show after he is driven through a table by the Dudleys. The next Raw, Show gains a measure of revenge by throwing Shane into the WWF logo just above the arena entrance. The young McMahon books a revenge match, pitting Show in a 6-on-1 handicap against Test, Albert, Boss Man, Bull Buchanan, X-Pac, and Road Dogg. Not content with these odds, Shane interferes with a chairshot to the back. He then delivers a (hilariously assisted) chokeslam to Show, leaping off a chair with the other six men helping to support him.

3. No Disqualification Falls Count Anywhere Match: Shane McMahon vs Big Show
Show looks mean as he enters, while Shane is hilariously composed inside the ring. As Big Show nears the bottom of the ramp Shane flies over the top rope onto him! Big mistake. Show catches him and runs into the ringpost. Shane goes for a hard ride into the steps before taking a powerslam right onto them. The McMahon gets clotheslined into the crowd, before being lifted out and gorilla pressed back into the ring. Show kicks him around the ring for a while before calling for the Chokeslam early. Suddenly Boss Man is out, nightstick in hand! He aims a few swings at Big Show's leg, occasionally pausing to twirl the weapon (almost dropping it at one point, which would have been hilarious). Boss Man winds up for a big shot to the head, but Show blocks it and drops the henchman with a couple of huge headbutts. Test and Albert are out now with chairs. Test swings WILDLY and misses, and Big Show is able to punch both chairs back in their faces. Test was awesome there for that brief little segment. He does the BEST failed run-ins, it seems.

Trish is in the ring now and low blows Show from behind. Idiot. The last time we saw Trish, remember, she was being carted off in an ambulance for messing with Bubba Ray Dudley. She just doesn't learn. Show snatches her up and throws her over the top onto T&A. Show leaves the ring and runs through the recovering T&A with a double clothesline, setting his sights on Shane crawling to safety up the ramp. He hurls the McMahon HIGH into a part of the set, before ripping out a section of scaffolding. Shane recovers in time to leap up, grab the roof of the entrance tunnel, and swing his feet into the advancing Show. He's got hopssss. T&A are back on the scene to beat down Show for a while, although I have no idea where Big Boss Man is. Poor henchmanning. Show is back up and swipes the pair away. Test races back in with a loving CINDERBLOCK and misses horribly. It shatters on the floor. He is trying SO HARD to be a good henchman. The pair get thrown around for a while as Shane climbs to safety up the scaffolding. Heh, "safety". We'll see how that works out for him.

Big Show grabs Shane by the heel but Bull Buchanan is out from the back with a nighstick and beats the giant down. Shane wisely clambers down from his lofty perch and pushes a HUGE amplifier right onto Big Show's leg, trapping him. Sparks are going off. This looks ugly (in an effective way). Bull sits atop the amp and pushes down on Show's leg while Shane fetches a cinderblock...and SMASHES it over Show's head! That's more than enough for the three.

Winner: Shane McMahon 1/5 - A fairly ugly clusterfuck, but one executed pretty well. Can't really be considered a good match by any stretch of the imagination, but the amplifier and cinderblock were excellent choices of weapons. I'm actually surprised cinderblocks haven't been used more in wrestling. They look fairly easy to make safe, yet still seem dangerous as hell if the wrestlers sell the weight of them properly.

Bull helps Shane victoriously to the back while a host of refs and backstage oddbods come out to free Show from the amplifier. Is that a Sgt. Slaughter sighting?

JGKing fucked around with this message at 04:24 on Dec 18, 2013

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Judgement Day - May 21st 2000


PART 2

Big Show gets loaded into an ambulance in the aftermath of his loss. We cut to Brisco, still sneaking around backstage with his Hardcore belt. He asks a couple of referees if he can sit and relax with them for a second, and they give up a chair for him. Brisco dozes off and the refs begin to sneak up on him, but he jolts awake in a paranoid fury. The refs say they were only joking but he doesn't look convinced, and rushes out of the room.

Triple H and HBK are catching up backstage. They seem to be getting on really well. Ominous for The Rock.

The last we saw of the Intercontinental Championship it was in the hands of Jericho, but now it seems as though Benoit has won it back at some stage. A hype video rolls showing the growing feud between the pair. Benoit grants Jericho a title shot on the condition that it's fought under the stipulation of a submission match. We see a montage of the Walls and the Crossface, while JR and King muse over which is the better finisher. Finally we see a vicious beatdown of Chris Benoit by temporary tag partner Hardcore Holly on the latest Smackdown. Nobody really explains why, but I'm guessing it's because they lost their match and Holly is an angry bastard. Anyway, he goes to town on Benoit's leg with a steel chair.

4. WWF Intercontinental Championship Submission Match: Chris Benoit (c) vs Chris Jericho
Jericho comes out to a huge ovation. Benoit comes out to near silence. The champ wins the opening brawl and fires off some loud chops in the corner, but Y2J reverses the momentum with a bulldog and some chops of his own. He whips Benoit into the ropes and applies his true finisher, the ARMBAR! The crowd pops momentarily, thinking he's going for the Crossface, but they settle down once they realise. Benoit wriggles free and goes for...a Tombstone Piledriver!? JR sounds just as confused, but Jericho leans back and reverses the move, landing on his feet. Benoit does the same and has Y2J in position again, but settles for a shoulder breaker. Should have just dropped him with the Tombstone. Would have been brutal. The Rabid Wolverine heads up top and connects with the Diving Headbutt, before slapping on some kind of arm triangle. Jericho struggles to his feet and trips Benoit's legs, but the champ kicks him away before the Walls can be applied. Good match so far.

Benoit tries to catch a breather on the apron but Jericho hits his springboard dropkick, and the champ drops heavily! Ouch. We cut very suddenly to Val Venis watching in the back. Apparently he's facing the winner on the next Raw. Um, good luck Val. Jericho smacks Benoit with a chop on the outside, but the Wolverine retorts with a hard whip into the steps, sending them flying. Oh wowww, Benoit sets one half of the steps vertically and looks to ram Jericho into it, but Y2J lifts him up and drops him knee-first onto them! Back in the ring, Jericho hits a double-underhook backbreaker but goes for the pin! Sillyyy. The ref has to remind him, before the pair resume their favourite pastime: a chop battle in the corner. Mannn it is brutal! Jericho wisely ends it with a punch to the head and whips Benoit to the opposite side. The Wolverine moves, however, and Jericho goes all the way through the turnbuckles to the ring post. I should note that Jericho's shoulder has been taking a beating as this has gone on, as has Benoit's leg. Foreshadowing, you guys.

Benoit stiffens up his work, wrenching on Jericho's shoulder for a while before hitting a few more chops and a nasty clothesline. Y2J is getting his rear end kicked out there. He applies an armbar (the MMA kind, not the Jericho kind) but Jericho is able to drape a foot over the bottom rope. We cut now to Hardcore Holly, also watching the match. In his dressing room, alone, shirtless, and sitting far too close to the TV. Slightly creepy. JR mentions that he too would love a title shot. They're doing a good job of making the belt seem valuable here; imagine that happening in today's WWE. It would be great. Back in the ring, Jericho takes Benoit down and scrabbles at his leg. He pulls the champ's knee brace off and whips him with it. Benoit gets up and Y2J clocks him in the head with the brace, before attempting to lock in a figure four. Benoit gets him off with a few hard boots to the head, but Jericho comes back with a low dropkick to the knee. BEAUTIFUL Lionsault out of nowhere, and Jericho drapes Benoit over the top rope. He applies the Walls of Jericho over the top rope! It kind of looks like a reverse Tarantula. Awesome! Benoit screams in pain, but manages to haul himself up and fight Y2J off with rights.

Jericho tries to apply the Walls again but Benoit rolls smartly away. He hits two Germans, but Y2J fights out of the third and trips him again! Benoit doesn't allow Jericho to turn into the Walls, instead flopping across the ring and grabbing the discarded knee brace from earlier, using it to clock Y2J in the forehad. Jericho is reeling and Benoit drags him into the Crossface! Jericho inches towards the ropes, so Benoit releases the hold and drags him further away before re-applying! I'll note here that the crowd are dead whenever Benoit has the upper hand, and electric when its Jericho. Y2J lifts Benoit's hands off his face, but the Wolverine simply beats him down again before slapping the finisher back on. Jericho this time pulls his opponent's hands down, but they get trapped around his neck. Benoit wrenches back and chokes out Y2J, and the referee calls for the bell. The crowd is silent.

Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Chris Benoit 2.5/5 - A fantastic match deserving of a higher score, but one severely hamstrung by its ending. What's the point of a submission match if the finish isn't a submission? Great work by these two, however, particularly Benoit. Just slightly baffling booking.

Benoit keeps the Crossface locked on as referees struggle to break it up. He finally lets go and Jericho is well and truly out cold. As unhappy I am with this booking, its one saving grace is that it makes Benoit look like a monster without Jericho tapping out.

Brisco is backstage being interviewed by Michael Cole. He talks about the constant fear that comes with defending the Hardcore Championship. As he talks, a couple of backstage workers carrying trays of food and coffee wander into a view and notice him. They strike up a plan and usher over a referee, but just as they're about to attack, Brisco notices them and breaks off his interview. He kicks rear end, leaving both men drenched in coffee and popcorn before storming off. A true champion.

The Rock is backstage talking angrily to Shawn Michaels. He warns HBK to call the match right down the midddle. If not, then he'll deal with Michaels himself, and it certainly won't take sixty minutes. Rocky strides away and HBK doesn't seem too intimidated, rolling his eyes.

We see a replay of Tori confirming her status as biggest badass in the WWF last Monday on Raw, splashing Bubba Ray Dudley through a table from the top turnbuckle to the outside. Bubba is desperate for revenge, it seems.

5. Table Match: Degeneration X vs The Dudley Boyz
D-Von wins the opening exchange with Road Dogg, but the DX man is able to stop him leaving the ring to get a table, and tags X Pac in. Pac squares off with Bubba and eats a couple of rights, but he stops the Dudley's charge with a spinning heel kick. Pac goes for a table now, but Bubba is out to drag him back into the ring. He decapitates X Pac with a jumping clothesline from the second rope (that man knows his limits), before holding his opponent's legs apart for the Wassup headbutt. Road Dogg enters the ring to help out, but suffers a powerslam from Bubba and a second Wassup headbutt for his troubles. DX bail and seem to have had enough, walking up the ramp in tandem. The Dudleys are not amused and chase them down, dragging them back down the ramp as Tori keeps her distance. Bubba channels his inner action hero, prefacing his punch to X Pac with an earnest "EAT THIS!". DX make it back to the ring and double team D-Von, because Bubba is too busy staring at Tori on the outside. Focus, Ray! X Pac kicks D-Von down in the corner and hits the Bronco Buster. Road Dogg tells Bubba to "suck it", which causes the Dudley to charge the ring and be intercepted by the ref. This of course allows DX to double-team D-Von some more. If I was D-Von my patience would have worn very thin over the years.

X Pac takes D-Von's head off with a big spinning heel kick, but the Dudley fights back with a double clothesline on both DX members. Bubba gets the tag and is in like a house on fire, whipping X Pac into the ropes and managing to scream "SUCK IT!" (complete with the hand motion) before Pac reaches him on the rebound. BIG sidewalk slam follows, before Road Dogg gets drilled with the Bubba Bomb. X Pac gets dropped again, this time with a Samoan drop, and the Dudleys bring a trio of tables into the ring to the crowd's delight. FUCKK! Road Dogg whips D-Von into the ring steps headfirst, and it's maybe the most brutal spot of that kind I can remember seeing. Road Dogg sets up a table on the outside and climbs atop what remains of the steps. He hooks up D-Von and...

...

HITS HIS FINISHER (for the second PPV in a row) THROUGH THE TABLE! D-Von is out, and Road Dogg is a badass all of a sudden. X Pac sets up D-Von against a table in the corner of the ring, looking for the Bronco Buster (although I'm not sure why; Bubba's the man yet to be eliminated). He sets off running, but Bubba drags him down by the hair from behind. The two scuffle back and forth in the ring, and Pac whips Ray into the ropes....and solidifies himself as the stupidest man in the WWF, attempting a hurricanrana on a charging Bubba Ray with a table RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Powerbomb. SPLAT! X Pac is outta there.

Gerald Brisco makes his way down to the ring, Hardcore belt around his waist. Meanwhile, Bubba and Road Dogg exchange right hands in the ring, but the ref tries to break it up for some unknown reason. The pair look at him...and deliver a double hiptoss into the table in the corner! #AttitudeEra. Road Dogg goes for a high five, but Bubba responds with a slightly less friendly DDT. The Dudleys use Road Dogg to demolish a third table, courtesy of the 3D, but the ref is too dead to see it. Tori very stupidly gets in the ring with both Dudleys and tries to slap Bubba. He catches her arm and clambers with her up turnbuckles while D-Von fetches another table. Tori is about to be driven through...when Brisco darts into the ring and pulls her down! X Pac scoots up and hits a top rope X Factor on Bubba, driving him face first through the table! DX wins!

Winners: Degeneration X 2/5 - A very silly, chaotic, but ultimately enjoyable matchup. Brisco's involvement is a little baffling. I'm assuming it's because he, like DX, is affiliated with the McMahon-Helmsley faction, but we'll see if anything else is revealed in the aftermath of the match.

DX and Tori clear out of the ring and head to the back, while Brisco stays in the ring and taunts the downed Bubba Ray with multiple "suck it"s. D-Von hits him from behind and the Dudleys deliver yet another 3D, this time to the Hardcore champion. Um, one of them might as well cover Brisco and take his belt, but neither really seem eager to.

A mysterious video airs in which three little girls recite "Now I lay me down to sleep", before Kid Rock's "American Badass" kicks in, and the words "His Judgement Day is coming" float across the screen. Well, I wonder which inactive superstar that could herald the return of. I haven't seen Steve Blackman for a while...

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Judgement Day - May 21st 2000


PART 3

Hello, I'm back. Sorry about the extensive delay - here are two excuses. Choose your favourite.

1. I took a hiatus from this thread when real life interfered, but now it's the Christmas holidays and I have a lot of spare time to work with.

2. It has taken me several months (and an extensive training regime) to work up the courage to wade through the upcoming contest.

Either way, I'm afraid it's almost time for that most gruelling of mistresses, the iron man match. The only order of business left to get out of the way is the obligatory HYPE PACKAGE~!

We get a recap of The Rock winning the title at Backlash, although Austin's considerable assist is left out. Shawn Michaels' inclusion is shown, but his loyalties remain ambiguous. We see him shove Vince to the canvas on a recent Smackdown, but we also see a flashback to him costing Rocky the belt back during A TV match during Triple H's previous reign. Rock demands that he call this one right down the middle. Triple H warns HBK that if he doesn't call the match "the way it should be", he will ensure that his old stablemate has "no future". Hmm. That doesn't really fit well with their buddy act back in part 1 of this review. The video closes on Trips reminding everybody of the conditions of the match, interspersed with The Rock shouting "BRING IT!". It's unintentionally hilarious.

"One hour."
"BRING IT."
"The one with the most falls at the end wins."
"BRING IT."
"Pinfalls."
"BRING IT."
"Submissions."
"BRING IT."
"Countouts."
"BRING IT."
"Disqualifications."
"BRING IT."
"One hour."

Well I don't know about you, but I am exhausted and the match hasn't even begun.

6. WWF Championship 60 Minute Iron Man Match: The Rock (c) vs Triple H (Special Guest Referee - Shawn Michaels)
Michaels is the first out, and JR brings up some interesting history. This is only the second Iron Man of the modern era, the first being HBK's 1-0 overtime win against Bret Hart. Aww, Shawn shakes hands with the Fink. Lovely. And now...

"One two. Is this on?" It's HIS TIIIIIME. The challenger is out with Steph, Shane, and Vince in tow. They're really stacking the deck here. Shane hasn't even tried to hide his intention to get involved, wearing elbow pads and gym attire. King says "For lack of a better term, you can't go out and shoot your wad in the first ten minutes of this match." Thanks for that, Jerry. Triple H grabs a mic and asks the McMahons to go to the back, claiming that he wants to do this himself, one on one. That's surprisingly noble of him. Michaels lurks nearby though, serving as a reminder of potential shenanigans. The Rock's theme kicks in to a rapturous ovation, and the champ himself comes stalking down to the ring. The two men go forehead to forehead as the clock starts. The pair lock up and grapple into a corner. They fight for position for a long time before shoving one another hard in the chest. Stalling for time already, boys? Rocky slaps on a headlock which Trips slowly reverses, bending the champ backwards until his head touches the canvas. King doubts the Rock's chances here, revealing that his longest match to date was only thirty minutes long in 1998. Lawler's research game is on point tonight. Rocky strains all the way back to a vertical base and reapplies the headlock. HHH is whipped into the ropes and floored with a couple of shoulder blocks, each only getting a two count. An inside cradle also gets a near fall, and the challenger rolls to the outside for a break. It's smart, but the crowd hate it. He's back in now, and a short rope-running sequence ends with the champ SMACKING Trips with a big right hand - perhaps the first true strike of the bout so far.

The challenger is back out to regroup again, but returns to the apron to berate HBK for counting too quickly. Shawn shrugs and continues his count, much to his buddy's frustration. Back in the ring now and JR contrasts the "strategic" style of the Game with the "instinctive" style of the Rock. I miss the days of good commentary like this. :( Rocky slaps on that headlock again before hitting the ropes and charging at the Game. Triple H goes for a leapfrog but the champ simply comes to a standstill, rocking his opponent with an immediate right hand once his feet hit the canvas. The Game seizes control by countering another charge with an elbow, before drilling Rocky with a clothesline. Although I admire these guys for taking part in such a gruelling match, it's all been incredibly slow and basic so far. Triple H applies an ARMBAR but the Rock battles out of it and...is taken down again by the Game, who rolls into a two count pinfall attempt. Trips applies another resthold, while I muse about which current WWE wrestlers I'd like to see in a 60 minute Iron Man. The Rock slowly, slowly, SLOWLY fights out just as I've narrowed my choices down to CM Punk and Dean Ambrose. He lights up the challenger with a few rights before whipping him into the ropes, but FOOLISHLY goes for a back body drop, allowing Triple H to simply boot him in the face. Rock staggers back, Triple H hits another set of ropes and charges...

ROCK BOTTOM! The crowd erupts as something of note finally happens! 1...2...3! 1-0 to The Rock with just over ten minutes gone, and the Game wisely rolls out to the floor to avoid further punishment. Rock is straight out after him, however, and slams his head into the crowd barrier. JR informs us that there is no rest period between falls (wrestlers were real men back in 2000) as the pair fight up the ramp, whipping one another into the guardrail as they go. This section of the arena seems to be populated exclusively by screaming girls, which is strange because there only appear to be goons as far as the eye can see - not even a stunt granny in sight. Triple H seems to have won this particular exchange, and drags The Rock back down towards the ring. He lines him up against the railing and tries a running knee, but Rocky dives out of the way and Trips' leg crashes painfully into the crowd barrier. The Rock rolls inside the ring and catches a slowly following Triple H on the apron, lifting him with a big vertical suplex back into the ring. JR and King reveal that there is no overtime in this match; the Rock will retain in the event of a tie. Effectively he has a two fall lead.

They head back outside the ring and Rocky begins to work over the legs of Triple H, smashing them into the steps, going after them with stomps, and so on. Very tactical, sir. OH WOW, here's something different. Rocky drags HHH back into the ring and applies a figure four leglock! And it's NOT TERRIBLE! Certainly not Miz territory. Triple H grabs at Shawn for leverage, but the guest referee very fairly moves out of the way. JR muses whether it might be prudent for the challenger to submit, saving his legs in the long run at the expense of a two fall deficit. King disagrees, but doesn't really explain why. JR smacks him down further. Yeah. Sit down, King. Slowly, excruciatingly, Triple H manages to reverse the hold by rolling onto his stomach. The pair roll further and end up tangled in the ropes, forcing HBK to break it off. Rocky drags his opponent over to the announce table area and the Game can barely stand, but he does manage to clothesline the champ over the barrier into a section of the crowd. He goes in after him (followed by a hilariously flustered HBK) and the pair brawl among the sea of humanity. A lifesize cutout of The Rock is waved very close to the man himself, which makes for quite an interesting visual. More interesting than this crowd spot, anyway.

They make it back to the ring finally, just as the twenty minute mark passes. Triple H nails a vertical suplex followed by an elbow drop, but can't make the pinfall count. I don't want to say the Game has looked sloppy in this match - he hasn't exactly botched anything - but his movements have been slightly more ragged than usual. The Rock is about the same as always, albeit at an occasionally slower pace due to the nature of the stipulation. Rock gets hurled right over the top rope, his back crashing into the announce table as he rolls on the floor. Triple H follows him out and lines up a whip into the ring steps...which is reversed! Ughhhhh, knees first. Not quite Foley-levels of painful step bumps, but still not a pleasant looking experience. Rocky slaps on a leglock back in the ring, and King praises him for defying expectations and actually pacing himself, as well as wearing down the (usually more cerebral) Game. Triple H muscles out of the leglock, but Rocky tries to apply another figure four instead. The Game kicks him away and scrambles to his feet, before catching him with the PEDIGREE! That gets the three count and we're tied at 1-1!

Triple H doesn't go for another immediate pinfall, instead opting to blatantly choke the Rock on the ground. Michaels drags him off, and Rock is able to whip HHH into the ropes...only for the game to come back with a (really slow, lovely) inside cradle for a three count! 2-1 to the Game, and Louisville is stunned into silence. They know wrestling is fake, right? Rock is looking pretty exhausted now, only able to fend off a further assault from Trips with a few instinctive rights. They end up back on the outside where the Game re-establishes control, sending the Rock staggering back up the ramp. This time they make it all the way up to the stage where Rock is able to reverse an Irish whip, sending the Game clanging into a part of the set before DRILLING him with a big clothesline on the rebound. HHH is able to deliver a counter of his own, reversing a suplex and sending the Rock crashing back-first onto the hard floor. They stagger back down towards ringside and...yeesh...Rocky hits an awful back suplex on the Game. I'm not sure whose fault that was, but these guys are looking tired now. The clock signals that half of the match has passed, and I think that's a good time to break off before the final part of this Judgement Day review.

Well. It hasn't been awful so far, but it's hardly been compelling stuff either. Poor to average, I'd say. 2-1 to Triple H. I WONDER WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!

JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!
Judgement Day - May 21st 2000


PART 4

6. WWF Championship 60 Minute Iron Man Match: The Rock (c) vs Triple H (Special Guest Referee - Shawn Michaels) - CONTD
We rejoin the match with both men crumpled towards the bottom of the entrance ramp, following The Rock's AWFUL back suplex on Triple H. The challenger is currently 2-1 ahead, with half an hour left to go. Michaels has called it down the middle so far.

Triple H manages to get back to his feet and unwisely charges at Rocky, who drops his head and backdrops the Game right onto the ramp. "How much more can his chiselled anatomy take?" muses JR. They fight back into the ring where the Game manages to hit his trademark facebuster. Usually I'd take this as a sign that the match is nearing its closing stages, but we still have just under thirty minutes to go. The Rock is groggy, and Triple H sets him up for the Pedig...no...for a PILEDRIVER!? Nice! 1...2...3! 3-1 to the challenger now, as Lawler admires the effectiveness of the move. Of course he does. HHH sits Rocky in a corner and stomps away like a bastard, but the people's champ explodes out with a clothesline. Triple H regains control with a shoulder block, before heading to the top rope? That's very out of a character, and we immediately see why he rarely goes there, as the Rock strides over and yanks him to the canvas by one arm. Rocky attempts to battle his way back into the match the way any good babyface should - by repeatedly levelling his opponent with right hands - but Triple H runs the ropes and smashes a big high knee into the champ's face. A sleeper hold follows, and the Rock fades fairly quickly. Gee, I wonder whether he'll manage to keep his arm up when Shawn checks on him. He does, but Triple H gets his legs on the ropes to apply further pressure. HBK is furious and begins the five count, but breaks it off at three to simply boot the Game's legs away. Jesus, ref, he had until FIVE.

Triple H gets right in Shawn's face (I'm on his side here. He did have until five.), which is just enough distraction for the Rock to regain control with a few rights and a belly-to-belly suplex. It only gets two, however, but Rocky wastes no time in hauling Triple H back up and whipping him into the ropes. He catches him on the return with a thundering DDT, but like all DDTs in the post-Jake era, it only gets tw...oh it gets a three count! 3-2! Back to the outside now, and Rocky lifts Triple H, dropping him headfirst into what initially looks like the ring bell. I say this because it's actually not just the ring bell, but actually a general table of what seems to be the timekeeper's stuff. There's a water bottle on there and some pens or something. I'd be sad if I was him. Trips grabs a chair and lifts it, but Shawn is there to rip it from his grasp! The Rock jumps back into the fray and whips Triple H into the ring steps as earlier...except UGHHHH. This time it's a vicious, vicious bump, low and shoulder-first. Man that looked nasty. Rock capitalizes with a neckbreaker on the outside, while Lawler theorises that Rocky needs to hit "about four or five People's Elbows in a row". Would be continue to remove clothing after both elbow pads were gone? That could get uncomfortable for everybody. Meanwhile, Triple H has had enough of this bullshit, and smashes Rocky with a chairshot. HBK calls for the bell, and it's now 3-3! That's not very cerebral of you, Hunter!

OR IS IT! Triple H proves himself far smarter than mere mortals like I, immediately diving into a pinfall on the Rock and gaining an three count (with his legs on the ropes for leverage, mind.) 4-3 now. Rocky is now busted open, and Triple H goes for the sleeper hold again. That's silly, Trips. Never go for a sleeper on a babyface. Surely you know this. Sure enough, Rock gets his arm up at the third time of asking, and battles out of the hold. Oh! But Triple H immediately slaps it on again! Surely the Rock's powers of babyface can't be fading! OH MY WORD, THEY ARE! This match continues to defy my expectations as the champ passes out, granting Triple H a 5-3 lead! HHH refuses to break the hold, forcing Shawn to drag him off by the hair. The pair get into a shoving match and almost come to blows, but the Game thinks better of it and apologises. Suddenly the Rock is on him with rights! He whips Triple H hard, sending him entirely over the top turnbuckle and out of the ring (landing on an incredibly unfortunate cameraman). Shawn seems excited by this. He has always hated cameramen, in fairness. I think he beat up one (kayfabe) during his Hell in a Cell match with 'Taker, and then assaulted one (non-kayfabe) for just being in his way one time, or something? Does anyone know anything about that?

Anyway, HBK hates cameramen, and the Rock is still down two falls. He drags Triple H back into the ring, but the Game plants him with a DDT of his own. It only gets two, and HHH decides again to just hand momentum to Rocky by heading up top. The Rock crotches him atop the turnbuckles, but is headbutted down when he attempts to join the challenger up there. He heads up again, undeterred, and manages to HIT A BIG SUPERPLEX! That was thunderous! They head back outside now, and are looking very tired. Rock trips, erm, Trips, and slingshots him into the ringpost, but the Game gains a measure of revenge by whipping Rocky into a pair of steps. He doesn't take the bump as viciously as HHH did. Pussy. Triple H, perhaps angry at this, strips down the announce table and drags the Rock up onto it. He sets him up for the Rock bottom - such hubris! - but the champ elbows his way out...and DRILLS TRIPLE H WITH A PEDIGREE RIGHT ONTO THE TABLE! And it barely moves an inch! Disgustingly painful! The Rock staggers back into the ring, while the Game is unsurprisingly counted out. 5-4, and Trips also shows everybody how to do a proper bladejob, his forehead spewing a lot more crimson than Rocky mustered before.

Both men stumble to their feet, Rock inside the ring, Triple H behind the announce table, just as the McMahons make their way cautiously down to the ring. Remember that Trips sent them backstage prior to the start of the match. OH WOW, THERE ARE ONLY THREE MINUTES LEFT! Rejoice! (Seriously though, I appreciate the effort put in by both guys in this match, and there have been some great spots, but the hour long time limit makes for an awful lot of filler and rest periods). Triple H almost gets counted out a second time, but just about makes it back into the ring just before the stroke of ten. The Rock realises that, holy poo poo everybody, there are just over two minutes left, and decides it's probably time to pick up a few falls. He kicks into a higher gear, whipping Triple H around and planting him with a nice DDT. SHANE'S ON THE APRON TO DISTRACT THE CHAMP! Rocky smacks him down, before doing the same to Vince who has hopped up on another side of the ring. Triple H stumbles after the Rock, but gets caught...SPINEBUSTER! The crowd come unstuck as Rocky launches into the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, delivering a People's Elbow big enough to get another pinfall! 5-5, and the champ is set to retain at this rate. Rock stays in the cover, wanting a second pinfall, but Shane drags HBK out of the ring. Uh oh...Shawn looks pissed.

Right hand to Shane! Right hand to Vince! Rocky measures Triple H in the ring...but suddenly my boy Road Dogg is on the scene! And is immediately dealt with with a single right hand. Triple H whips Rock into HBK, who had pulled himself up onto the apron. Down goes the ref, leaving him unable to count the pinfall when Rock delivers a big Rock Bottom to the challenger! X-Pac is in now, and he and Road Dogg put boots to the champ. Suddenly the McMahons are swarming the ring...and THAT CREEPY VIDEO MONTAGE PLAYS ON THE TITANTRON! Wow, this is eerie. The little girls drone on about evil and judgement while DX, Vince and Shane take apart the Rock. Shane smashes the champ with that beautiful chairshot of his, but everybody is pretty distracted by the tron. Suddenly...HERE COMES THE UNDERTAKER! What the gently caress!? I was so sure those videos were for Blackman. All the clues were there! Anyway, much to my crushing disappointment, it's not the Lethal Weapon roaring down the ramp on a motorcycle, but the returning Deadman. Except he's not the Deadman now, he's the highly controversial "American Badass" version of 'Taker (Feel free to post your opinions on this gimmick below. I'm sure you all have one).

Needless to say, the crowd are going absolutely apeshit as Undertaker clambers off his bike and enters the ring. Right hand to X-Pac, big boot to Road Dogg! Trips is hurled over the top rope! Oh, I feel I should mention. While everybody lost their poo poo as Undertaker made his entrance, Trips DID manage to sneak in an extra Pedigree on the Rock. He'd want you to know. Shane eats a MASSIVE chokeslam, and Vince decides it's time to put a stop to this nonsense. He grabs 'Taker...before immediately realising what the gently caress he's doing, and attempts to run away. No dice. DOWN goes Vince to a big right. THERE'S ONLY HALF A MINUTE LEFT! I'm not sure if Rocky is conscious to appreciate this, but 'Taker appears to be running this match down to a draw, thereby saving his title. A second big chokeslam is dished out, this time to X-Pac, and Road Dogg is just knocked the gently caress out as he attempts a charge. Stephanie's in now, and seems to have forgotten the rule where you don't approach the Undertaker because he will kick your rear end. GOOZLE! Oh! A bloodied, somewhat heroic looking Triple H is on the scene to save his wife, and 'Taker rounds on him in anger. He and Triple H square up - and Trips seems to have forgotten that he LITERALLY HAS SEVEN SECONDS LEFT TO PIN THE ROCK! He charges at 'Taker and eats a huge chokeslam as time runs out. HBK staggers back into the ring (drat he was out for a long time. Maybe special guest refs get affected by ref bumps all the same) and sees Undertaker plant his best buddy with a massive Tombstone. Uh oh. I see where this is going. But surely not...

The bell rings...and Finkel announces that the winner of the fall, due to disqualification for outside interference, and NEW...agh. You know the drill. 6-5

Winner and NEW WWF Champion: Triple H 1.5/5 (revised from 0.5) - This deserved better. It really did. For all the flaws of the match (often sloppy, incredibly drawn out, packed with filler) both men put in a massive effort, and delivered some memorable spots - particularly that Pedigree onto the announce table. UNFORTUNATELY, what the gently caress was that booking!? Not only did time run out long before Shawn called for the disqualification, they actually tried to hide this by removing the clock from the screen about five seconds before it expired. To top it all off, Undertaker's return is an absolute belly flop, and he comes across as an utter idiot for costing the Rock his title. Dreadful. Dreadful dreadful. To shove that sort of finish at the end of such a long, patience-testing match is quite frankly an insult to the audience, and that explains the extremely low mark I've awarded it here. Credit to Triple H and The Rock for their efforts, but god drat. That booking.

Undertaker looks baffled as Shawn drapes the title over a prone Triple H and bails. He looks like he wants to get the gently caress out of there, especially with 'Taker pursuing him down the ramp. Um, 'Taker, it's kind of your fault too buddy. You big show-stealer, you. If you want to see a run-in done right, take lessons from Austin at Backlash. He got in, saved the day, and got the gently caress out of there.

The PPV ends as the triumphant DX and Vince help Triple H back up the entrance ramp, and the Game looks like he has absolutely no idea what has happened. I know how he feels.

JGKing fucked around with this message at 03:27 on Dec 20, 2013

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JGKing
Dec 26, 2012

What has happened to this company?!

mkay0 posted:

You are tough, man. Dave have that match ****, and I would agree. Your criticisms aren't wrong, because there are botches, and it's overbooked and they botched the admittedly bad ending, but .5/5 is pretty cold.

You're right, it is a harsh score, although I'm not at all in the mood to revise it right now. Maybe in the morning after I've slept away the frustration of that ending :(

It's perhaps not 0.5/5, but much of my decision was based on just how terrible the ending was (an effect which I think was worsened greatly by the sheer length of the match). And although the severity of the match rating isn't really based on Trips' and Rock's efforts, I certainly disagree with Meltzer's four stars. It was a very gruelling, often snail-paced match to watch. I appreciate that the wrestling world in 2000 was yet to witness some absolute iron man machines like CM Punk or Samoa Joe, and that standards would have been overall lower, but there was really nothing about this match that made it anywhere near the quality of the great matches I've covered so far (both HHH vs Foley matches and the triangle ladder match, for example). It was really quite a plodder, punctuated by the occasional fantastic spot, but also by its fair share of sloppy moments. Neither man was on his a-game here, particularly Triple H.

For now my decision stands, although I may throw a few extra points in its direction once I feel less bitter. As always, thanks for your feedback and thoughts, and of course for reading (that goes for everybody, too). :)

JGKing fucked around with this message at 06:22 on Dec 17, 2013

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