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I read this series when I was back in primary school. I thought it was fantastically clever and being about 9 or 10, I completely overlooked all the incredibly overt misogyny. I guess my parents either didn't know how bad they were (the books I had all belonged to my dad who historically does not have the best taste in media) or just thought it was good that I was reading above my age range. All the really blatant sexual references and stuff pretty much completely went over my head, probably because I found the books so ridiculous and imaginative that I never really bothered reading into them. I just liked the puns and the way a lot of the intelligent monsters seemed to have their own cultures and societies that people lived with and tolerated instead of just killing them like in every other fantasy book. Similarly with IoI, I loved the idea that Satan was just a guy doing his job because every other candidate for the position was more concerned with being evil than making everything run smoothly. I'd always been into mythology, so it felt like a really interesting take on the stuff I'd read, and considering how messed up mythology could be (see anything with Zeus) It just seemed par for the course I guess. That's probably why the love springs as explanations for half-human hybrids just made sense to me, as opposed to me realising exactly what was required for that to occur. Having read the thread now after not having picked the series up in over a decade it was quite surprising to see just how much horribleness I glossed over in favour of the weird imaginative parts. Like, I don't remember the rape trial at all, or the sheer number of naked women who show up and all fall madly in love with the hero (who I only remembered as a bit boring, not creepy). I didn't even remember Crombie's character or how Bink won't take advantage of Chameleon when he first meets her as Wynne, but is totally happy to do so as long as he's married to her. I guess I was just really thick when I was younger, but it certainly makes seeing them in a new light an interesting (if horrifying) experience. That said, I'm still looking forward to some of the later books when they go completely off the deep end because the plots I remember were weird as hell.
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Aug 2, 2013 14:02
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My parents tried to get me to stop reading the Xanth books for a while, I just now remembered. Again, it was 1988, I was like nine. At the time I thought they were concerned that I was going to go all Heavenly Creatures on them, but in retrospect, knowing my parents, I'm guessing it was about the sex, which at nine I barely noticed.
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Aug 2, 2013 14:34
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There's so much wrong with that whole love spring plan I don't even know where to begin. There's so much wrong with this entire book I don't even know where to begin.
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Aug 2, 2013 19:11
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 This book takes place twelve years after The Source of Magic, starring Bink's son, Dor. Bink's family is literally the most important family in the entirety of Xanth, see, and we are never getting away from it, ever. Anyway, let's dive into Chapter 1. quote:Millie the ghost was beautiful. Of course, she wasn't a ghost any more, so she was Millie the nurse. She was not especially bright, and she was hardly young. She was twenty-nine years old as she reckoned it, and about eight hundred and twenty-nine as others reckoned it: the oldest creature currently associated with Castle Roogna. She had been ensorcelled as a maid of seventeen, eight centuries ago, when Castle Roogna was young, and restored to life at the time of Dor's birth. In the interim she had been a ghost, and the label had never quite worn off. And why should it? By all accounts she had been a most attractive ghost. (Pun Count: 1) Bink and Chameleon are away right now, off on a mission to Mundania. In fact, they're often away. They like traveling and having adventures. quote:It was because of him, because of his talent. Dor remembered years ago when he had talked to the double bed Bink and Chameleon used, and asked it what had happened overnight, just from idle curiosity, and it had said--well, it had been quite interesting, especially since Chameleon had been in her beauty stage, prettier and stupider than Millie the ghost, which was going some. But his mother had overheard some of that dialogue, and told his father, and after that Dor wasn't allowed in the bedroom any more. It wasn't that his parents didn't love him, Bink had carefully explained; it was that they felt nervous about what they called "invasion of privacy." So they tended to do their most interesting things away from the house, and Dor had learned not to pry. Not when and where anyone in authority could overhear, at any rate. Millie took care of him; she had no privacy secrets. True, she didn't like him talking to the toilet, though it was just a pot that got emptied every day into the back garden where dung beetles magicked the stuff into sweet-smelling roses. Dor couldn't talk to roses, because they were alive. He could talk to a dead rose--but then it remembered only what had happened since it was cut, and that wasn't very much. And Millie didn't like him making fun of Jonathan. Apart from that she was quite reasonable, and he liked her. But he had never really noticed her shape before. (Pun Count: 2) quote:Millie was very like a nymph, with all sorts of feminine projections and softnesses and things, and her skin was as clear as the surface of a milkweed pod just before it got milked. She usually wore a light gauzy dress that lent her an ethereal quality strongly reminiscent of her ghosthood, yet failed to conceal excitingly gentle contours beneath. Her voice was as soft as the call of a wraith. Yet she had more wit than a nymph, and more substance than a wraith. She had-- (Pun Count: 3) quote:Millie turned, smiling automatically. She had been washing plates at the sink; she claimed it was easier to do them by hand than to locate the proper cleaning spell, and probably for her it was. The spell was in powder form, and it came in a box the spell-caster made up at the palace, and the powder was forever running out. Few things were more annoying than chasing all over the yard after running powder. So Millie didn't take a powder; she scrubbed the dishes herself. "Are you still hungry, Dor?" (Pun Count: 4) quote:"No," he said, embarrassed. He was hungry, but not for food. If hunger was the proper term. That's when Jonathon the zombie shows up. Dor doesn't like him - he's ugly and he drips corpse on the carpet. quote:"Beauty and the beast," he muttered savagely. Frustrated and angry, Dor stalked out of the kitchen and into the main room of the cottage. The floor was smooth, hard rind, polished until it had become reflective, and the walls were yellow-white. He banged his fist into one. "Hey, stop that!" the wall protested. "You'll fracture me. I'm only cheese, you know!" (Pun Count: 5) quote:Dor stormed on out the front door. "Don't you dare slam me!" it warned, but he slammed it anyway, and heard its shaken groan behind him. That door always had been more ham than cheese. (Pun Count: 6) It is starting to rain, and Dor tries to shout it into stopping, but the cloud just laughs. Grundy the golem shows up - he's Dor's caretaker when outdoors, since he doesn't care if his secrets get revealed. Most people don't like to hang around Dor. Dor starts to antagonize the cloud. quote:Dor looked dourly up at the cloud. "Go soak your empty head!" he yelled at it "You're no thunderhead, you're a dunderhead!" (Pun Count: 7) Grundy tells Dor to stop, and they both wonder whaT Millie sees in Jonathon. They end up hiding under and umbrella tree (Pun Count: 8) and we learn about parasol trees, too (Pun Count: 9). Some other boys, the sons of the palace guards, are hiding under the tree, too. They start mocking Dor, though Grundy tries to defend him. Dor tells him to stop. quote:"See?" Horsejaw demanded triumphantly. "Little stinker don't stand up to his betters." And he laughed. They head to another tree, with Dor hiding his anger because he can't beat the two boys in a fight. He's not strong, like Bink, but "small and slender" like his mother. Grundy asks him why he puts up with it, and he says that while his magic is powerful, it's purely communication. quote:"It counts for plenty!" Grundy cried, his little legs splashing through the forming puddles. Absent-mindedly Dor reached down to pick him up; the one-time golem was only a few inches tall. "You could talk to their clothes, find out all their secrets, blackmail them--" Grundy is quite pleased to learn that Dor's hitting puberty, for some reaosn. quote:"Oh, you notice Millie now! You're growing up!" That's not a pun, but really? quote:Irene remained angry. "So how come they call you a Magician, while I am only--" (Pun count: 10) The shadowboxer attacks Dor as Irene watches. quote:"How did I get into this?" Dor asked, disgruntled. He didn't want to flee the pavilion; the storm had intensified and yellow rain was cascading off the roof. The booming of its fusillade was unnerving; there were too many hailstones mixed in, and it looked suspiciously like a suitable habitat for tornado wraiths. (Pun Count: 11) Irene tells him to go back out into the hail, and Dor does so to avoid the shadowboxer. Dor ends up running into the jungle, since he refuses to go home. Grundy tells him to get in cover. quote:It was excellent advice; lightning bolts could do a lot of harm if they struck too near. After they had lain for a few hours on the ground and cooled off so that they were not so bright, they could be gathered and used for bolting together walls and things. But a fresh one could spear right through a man. (Pun Count: 12) Dor keeps running, though. A lightning bolt blasts into an acorn tree nearby, and Dor heads south on an enchanted path, towards the Magic Dust Village. Grundy tells him about the storm that they weathered back in the last book, quote:"It was your father's quest for the source of magic; naturally Humfrey came along. The old gnome was always keen on information. Good thing, too; he's the one who showed me how to become real. Good thing for him, too; he met the gorgon, and you should have seen the flip she did over him, the first man she could talk to who didn't turn to stone. Anyway, this storm was so bad it washed out some of the stars from the sky; they were floating in puddles." At which point they run into an ogre. It turns out to be Crunch, though, who is having a great time with his family - his wife, and their new son, Smash. However, Smash wandered off in the rain and Crunch is going to look for him. Dor decides to help. Dor uses his talent to track Smash, and ponders its uses. quote:Dor realized suddenly that he was in fact a Magician; no one else could accomplish such a search. Irene's plant-growing magic was a strong talent, a worthy one, but it lacked the versatility of this. Her green thumb could not be turned to nonbotanic uses. A King, to rule Xanth, had to be able to exert his power effectively, as Magician Trent did. Trent could transform any enemy into a toad, and everyone in Xanth knew that. But Magician Trent was also smart; he used his talent merely to back up his brains and will. What would a girl like Irene do, if she occupied the throne? Line the paths with shadowboxing plants? Dor's talent was far more effective; he could learn all the secrets anyone had except those never voiced or shown before an inanimate object. Knowledge was the root of power. Good Magician Humfrey knew that. He-- At which point he nearly wanders into a tangel tree. Crunch terrifies it into not attacking, and they head onwards, towards a nickelpede warren (Pun Count: 13). But he isn't there, either. They wander past all kinds of dangers, including some spear-grass (Pun Count: 14) and a dragon's lair. quote:Dragons were the lords of the jungle, as a class; specific monsters might prevail against specific dragons; but overall, dragons governed the wilds much as Man governed the tames. (Pun Count: 15) Smash is in the den, of course. Crunch heads inwards, smashing through the cave walls when he has to. Smash is inside, being hunted by three baby dragons while their mother watches. Crunch just glares, and the mother dragon doesn't move. Smash attacks the dragonets, and he's powerful enough to beat them all. Crunch takes him home, scattering the dragon's diamonds. quote:Without a backward glance at her, they tramped away. Except for Grundy, who couldn't resist putting in a last word: "Good thing for you, you didn't hurt the tyke," he called to the dragon lady. "If you had, Crunch might have gotten angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry." Crunch then asks Dor if he wants anything in payment, but Dor declines. Grundy adds that he doesn't really need much, but he does get teased. Crunch decides to solve this problem. He takes Dor home, then hides until Horsejaw and the other bullies arive. At which point he runs at them, terrifying them into flight. quote:Crunch strode up until he loomed over the small party, his thick torso dwarfing the slender metal trunk of a nearby ironwood tree. "Dor me friend," he thundered distinctly, and the umbrella tree collapsed into shambles with the vibration. "Help he lend." Small cracks opened in the hard ground of the path, and somewhere a heavy branch crashed to the forest floor. "If laugh at lad, me might get mad." And he swung one clublike fist around in a great circle, barely over Horsejaw's head, so that the wind made the bully's hair stand on end. At least, Dor thought it was the wind that did it; the boy looked terrified. (Pun Count: 16) Crunch smashes the ironwood tree and begins to pick his teeth with a shard of it, then heads on home. Pun Count: 16 as of the end of Chapter 1.
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Aug 2, 2013 19:45
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Later on in the series they gloss over these vague and PG-13 but realistic depictions of sex and reproduction to replace it with literally triggering an ellipsis (...) and summoning a stork. This while the pedo quotient skyrockets and the books become more rambling and incoherent. It reminds me of the Patton Oswalt bit about "clean filth."
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Aug 3, 2013 01:04
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Gosh, I wonder if those two are going to end up marrying each other. 
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Aug 3, 2013 01:16
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Tezzor posted:Later on in the series they gloss over these vague and PG-13 but realistic depictions of sex and reproduction to replace it with literally triggering an ellipsis (...) and summoning a stork. This while the pedo quotient skyrockets and the books become more rambling and incoherent. It reminds me of the Patton Oswalt bit about "clean filth." It's true. Few things are more terrifying than hearing someone cheerfully utter, "I'm going to fill your hoohaw with goof juice!" I kind of remember what happens to Dor's son Dolph in one of the later books and even though it's like you describe---literal storks and ellipses---even as a teen I felt very uncomfortable in a way I didn't when reading actual graphic descriptions of love and sex in other novels. If I remember correctly, basically Dolph's own parents insist he drink a love potion so he will fall in love and have sex with a young woman of their choosing(who I hope in retrospect was not a minor in the book) instead of being with the woman he actually loves (and who isn't a minor)... basically, his parents use magic to remove his consent and coerce him into sleeping with someone of their choosing. And he knows the whole time, too, and is definitely not okay with it. *sigh* I think it was either that book or Question Quest that made me go "Welp, I don't need to read this series anymore."
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Aug 3, 2013 02:59
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Holy poo poo, Dolph never caught a break, did he? I got into the novels when he was starting his pre-pubescent adventures, and remember him falling in puppy love with Nada Naga, who was a fully formed adult, forced by her parents to assume a twelve-year-old's appearance because they wanted a political marriage with his family.
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Aug 3, 2013 03:41
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Chapter 2.quote:Dor was not teased much any more. No one wanted to upset his friend. But this hardly eased his unrest. The teasing had not bothered him as much as it had bothered Grundy; Dor had always known he could use his superior magic to bring others into line, if he really had to. It was his general isolation from others that weighed on him, and his new awareness of Millie the ghost. What a difference there was between a brat like Irene and a woman like Millie! Yet Irene was the one Dor was expected to get along with. It wasn't fair. So Dor and Grundy head to talk to Trent, meeting Crombie on the way. He guards the moat, to remind people not to approach the wild monsters in it. quote:Crombie was asleep on his feet. Grundy took advantage of this to generate some humor at the soldier's expense. "Hey, there, birdbeak; how's the stinking broad?" (Pun Count: 18) quote:That had special meaning too. Nymphs were ideally shaped female creatures of little intellect, useful primarily for man's passing entertainment. It was strange that Crombie had married one. But he had been under an omen of marriage, and Jewel was said to be a very special nymph, with unusual wit for the breed, who had an important job. Dor had asked his father about Jewel once, since none of the local artifacts knew about her, but Bink had answered evasively. That was part of the reason Dor didn't want to ask his father about Millie. Millie was nymphlike at times, and evasions were disquieting. Had there been something between--? No, impossible. Anyway, this sort of information could not be elicited from inanimate objects; they did not understand living feelings at all. They were purely objective. Usually. (Pun count: 19) Dor is menaced by a three-headed wolf, but the floor tells him it's illusion. Iris likes to make him feel unwelcome. quote:"Sorceresses shouldn't mess with Magicians," Grundy observed snidely, and the wolf growled in anger as it vanished. Dor, meanwhile, spends his time watching a tapestry in the drawing room. It is an enchanted tapestry, showing the past of Castle Roogna 800 years ago, as it was being built - and in motion. It moves in real time. He likes watched the tapestry, though because it's all silent, he has no real idea why stuff happens. quote:Memories flooded Dor. What adventures he had seen, years ago, riveted to this moving picture. Swordsmen and dragons and fair ladies and magic of every type, going on and on! But all in baffling silence; without words, much of the action became meaningless. Why did this swordsman battle this dragon, yet leave that other dragon alone? Why did the chambermaid kiss this courtier, and not that one, though that one was handsomer? Who was responsible for this particular enchantment? And why was that centaur so angry after a liaison with his filly? There was so much of it going on at once that it was hard to fathom any overall pattern. The tapestry is, however, unable to explain the images - it doesn't understand what it shows any more than Dor does. Grundy insults one of Iris' illusions to piss her off, and they head up to see Trent. quote:The King was a solid, graying man old enough to be Dor's grandfather, yet still handsome. He wore a comfortable robe, somewhat faded and threadbare; he depended on the Queen to garb him in illusion befitting whatever occasion occurred, so needed no real clothes. At the moment he was highly relaxed and informal, and Dor knew this was intended to make Dor himself feel the same. "I, uh, I can come back another time--" (Pun count: 21) Dor tries to talk to Trent, but can't find anything to say. quote:"I understand you made friends with Crunch the ogre." To provide him the needed experience, Trent says, he has come up with a way to teach Dor ruthlessness. He can't rely on Crush Ogre, after all. He has a mission for Dor. quote:"You hold Millie in respect," the King said. "But you are aware that she is not of your generation, and has one great unmet need." He must go see Humfrey to find out. Because you always have to go see Humfrey. quote:Suddenly Dor realized the nature of the challenge King Trent had laid down for him. First, he would have to leave these familiar environs and trek through the hazardous wilderness to the Good Magician's castle. Then he would have to force his way in to brace the Magician. Then serve his year for the Answer. Then use the Answer to restore Jonathan to life--knowing that in so doing, he was abolishing any chance that Millie would ever-- Dor sets out the next morning to go see Humfrey. He can't be teleported there because that would be no challenge. He tells the stones to keep him alert to danger, but they don't know where Humfrey's castle is. Grundy does, however. They stop to get food from the breadloaf trees, soda poppies and jelly-barrel trunks (Pun Count: 24). Grundy realizes Dor can cheat by asking the stones if they've seen people traveling, since Humfrey keeps one-way paths going away, and they'll have seen and remembered the people walking. They eventually manage to find one of the paths, with Grundy helping Dor stay on it by facing backward and telling him where it is. This keeps him safe. quote:Fortunately they located a pillow bush and fashioned a bed of multicolored pillows, setting out sputtering bugbombs from a bug-bomb weed to repel predatory insects. They didn't worry about rain; Dor called out to a passing cloud, and it assured him that the clouds were all resting tonight, saving up for a blowout two days hence. (Pun Count: 27) quote:In the morning they feasted on boysengirls berries, the seeds like tiny boys a bit strong, and the jelly girls a bit sweet, so that they had to be taken together for full enjoyment. They washed the berries down with the juice from punctured coffee beans and took up the march again. Dor felt somewhat stiff; he wasn't used to this amount of walking. "Funny, I feel fine," Grundy remarked. He, of course, had ridden Dor's shoulder most of the way. (Pun Count: 28) They reach Humfrey's castle, and find the moat guraded by a triton wielding a trident. quote:"How did you get past, when you came to ask a Question?" Dor asked. (Pun Count: 29) Dor tries to figure out a way past the merman, then finds a sign saying that trespasses will be prosecuted. He tries to figure out why the sign is there. He reasons that it may be hiding a tunnel. quote:"You know, I think you've got a brain after all," Grundy admitted. "But you'd have to have a counter-spell to get it open, and it's not allowed to tell you that secret." They take the box, which has a button marked 'Don't Push.' They push it, and a snake-creature pops out, introducing itself as Jack in the box. (Pun count: 30) It is a golem, which gives them an achievement button which, on one side, says Trespasser, and on the other, Persecuted. The button sticks to his shirt by magic. They put Jack back in the plaque, realizing there is no easy way out. But it does give them the idea of using a decoy. Dor gets the water to imitate his voice. quote:"You're much better than I thought!" Dor confessed ruefully. "But the real challenge is to do it so well that a third party could not tell which is me and which is you. I'm sure you couldn't fool that triton, for example." (Pun Count: 32) He gives the water the button to pay it with, so it can talk to people other than him - it can use it to warn intruders about its threat. Dor swims across the moat safely, then finds a narrow ledge with no way into the castle. quote:"Good to know," Dor said, feeling a chill that was not entirely from his soaking clothing. He was beginning to appreciate the depth of the challenge King Trent had made for him. At each stage he was forced to question his ability and his motive: were the risk and effort worth the prize? He had never been exposed to a sustained challenge of this magnitude before, where even his talent could help him only deviously. With the counterspells against things--giving away information, he was forced to employ his magic very cleverly, as with the moat. Maybe this was the necessary course to manhood--but he would much prefer to have a safe route home. He was, after all, only a boy. He didn't have the mass and thews of a man, and certainly not the courage. Yet here he was--and he had better go forward, because the triton would hardly let him go back. (Pun Count: 33) quote:They circled the castle again. At intervals there were alcoves with plants growing in them, decorating the blank wall. But they weren't approachable plants. Stinkweeds, skunk cabbages, poison ivy--the last flipped a drop of glistening poison at him, but he avoided it. The drop struck the stone ledge and etched a smoking hole in it. Another alcove held a needle-cactus, one of the worst plant menaces of all. Dor hastened on past that one, lest the ornery vegetable elect to fire a volley of needles at him. (Pun count: 34) Dor wonders again how to get past. quote:Too much reality to lose. That made sense. Dor's own reality became more attractive as he pondered the possible losing of it. Why was he wishing for a hero's body and power? He was a Magician, probable heir to the throne. Strong men were common; Magicians were rare. Why throw that away--for a zombie? Dor spots a passage behind the cactus, so now he just has to figure the way past. They come up with all sorts of ways that require skills, items or magic they don't have. quote:"Suppose we told it we were dangerous to it? That we were salamanders, burning hot, about to burn it down?" (Pun Count: 35) Dor decides to try the plan. quote:"I am a fireman," Dor said uncertainly. "I--I am made of fire. Anything that touches me gets burned to a crisp. This is my firedog, Grundy the growler. I am just taking my hot dog for a walk, just passing through, chewing idly on a firecracker. I love crackers!" (Pun Count: 38) Grundy translates for him, of course. quote:"We are merely passing through," Dor continued. "We aren't looking for trouble. We don't like to burn off needles unless we really have to, because they scorch and pop and smell real bad." He saw some needles wilt as Grundy translated. The message was getting through! "We have nothing against cactuses, so long as they keep their place. Some cactuses are very nice. Some of Grundy's best friends are cactuses; he likes to--" Dor paused. What would a firedog do with a compatible cactus? Water it down, of course--with a stream of fire. That wouldn't go over very well, here. "Uh, he likes to sniff their flowers as he dogtrots by. We only get upset if any needles happen to get in our way. When we get upset, we get very hot. Very, very hot. In fact we just get all burned up." He decided not to overdo it, lest he lose credibility. "But we aren't too hot right now because we know no nice cactus would try to stick us. So we won't have to burn off any inconvenient needles." (Pun Count: 40) The cactus ends up fooled, and they head past it. quote:"Sure was nice meeting you, cactus. You're a real sharp creature. Not like the one I encountered the other day, who tried to put a needle in my back. I fear I lost my temper. Tempering takes a lot of heat. I fired up like a wounded salamander, and I went back and hugged that poor cactus until all its needles burst into flame. The scorch marks are still on it, but I'm happy to say that it will probably survive. Lucky it was a wet day, raining in fact, so my heat only cooked its outer layers some instead of setting the whole thing on fire. I'm sorry I did that; I really think that needle in the back was an accident. Something that just slipped out. I just can't help myself when I get hot." (Pun Count: 41) Grundy is proud of his lying ability, and Dor promises himself not to lie unless he really has to, since he doesn't like winning by lying. He feels that if he can't do it honestly, it's not worth doing. He also feels he's a coward. They head inside. quote:There was a small room paneled in bird-of-paradise feathers. A woman of extraordinary perfection stood watching them. She wore a low-cut gown, jeweled sandals, a comprehensive kerchief, and an imported pair of Mundane dark glasses. "Welcome, guests," she breathed, in such a way that Dor's gaze was attracted to the site of breathing, right where the gown was cut lowest yet fullest. Yep, it's the gorgon. Dor covers his eyes, refusing to look. However, the gorgon tells him that he's passed the challenges and can look safely. quote:She sighed, very femininely. "Golem, you look at me. Then you can reassure your friend." But she can be. quote:Grundy had never deceived him. Dor clenched his teeth and cracked open an eye, seeing the lighted room and the gorgon's nearest foot. It was a very pretty foot, with fluorescently tinted toenails, topped by a shapely ankle. Funny how he had never noticed ankles before! He got to his hands and knees, his eyes traveling cautiously up her marvelously molded legs until the view was cut off by the hem of her gown. It was a shapely gown, too, slightly translucent so that the suggestion of her legs continued on up to--but enough of this stalling. He forced his reluctant eyes to travel all the way up past her contours until they approached her head. It turns out she was wearing a mask of her face beefore, which she was using to try to scare him off. quote:He considered the gorgon again. Once he got used to the anomaly of her missing face, he found her quite attractive. "But you--what is a gorgon doing here?" Remember - it's been twelve years since The Color of Magic. quote:Grundy shook his little head. "I thought the old gnome was nuts. But this--he's crazy!" Dor thinks he's a coward, but the gorgon tells him that he's just scared - that's fine and normal. But he didn't run, so that's courage. Though she'd have been more impressed if he'd fenced her blind or grabbed a mirror instead of just running with his eyes closed. quote:"Say," Grundy demanded. "It was twelve years ago when you met the Good Gnome. I was there, remember? How come you're just now asking your Question?" (Pun Count: 42) quote:Her hair, of course, consisted of myriad tiny snakes or eels. They were rather cute, now that he was getting used to the style. "How did you get across the moat, then?" Humfrey complains quite a bit about his socks, until he finally notices Grundy and Dor. quote:"Dor doesn't need a Magician's attention. He's a Magician himself. He needs a quest. He ought to go find the secret of making zombies human, so he can please Millie the ghost. Besides, I'm not dressed for company. My socks--" It turns out the point of that was to get Grundy to leave. quote:"The fact is, Dor, you are slated to be the next King of Xanth. Now I suppose I could charge you the usual fee for my Answer, but that might be impolitic if you were to become King before I died. My references suggest that will be the case. One can never be absolutely sure about the future, of course; the future-history texts misrepresent it almost as much as the past history texts do the past. But why gamble foolishly? You are a full Magician in your own right, with power as great as mine, and of a similar genre. Given time, you will know as much as I. It becomes expedient to deal with fellow Magicians on an equal basis. Besides which, a year out of your life at this stage might in some devious way pose a threat to the welfare of your father, Bink, who cares greatly for you, and that would be an unconscionable mischief. I remember when I was attempting to fathom his talent, and the invisible giant came marching by with a tread worse than an ogre's and almost shook down the castle. But that's another matter. In this case I can not provide your full Answer anyway, because there is an ambiguity in the record. It seems it is a trade secret kept by another Magician. Are you willing to make a deal?" Humfrey suggests that they head back to the time of the Fourth Wave via the tapestry of Castle Roogna. Or, rather, that Dor does. He will send his mind into the body of someone in the past, while the Brain Coral animates his own body while he's gone. (Pun Count: 43) Grundy will cover for him so no one knows he's gone. quote:"Now the carpet will take you to the Coral, then to the tapestry. Don't worry; I have preprogrammed it. Here, better take something to eat along the way. Gorgon!" Dor flies off on the carpet. Grundy gets out the white bottle, which contains some chocolate milk, fresh from the chocolate-grown milkweed pod (Pun count: 44) and a door-jam and turnip sandwich (Pun Count: 45) and a red potato soup sandwich. quote:Dor thought about the anomaly of so formidable a creature as the gorgon reduced to being a common maid at the Magician's castle while she waited to learn whether Humfrey would marry her. Yet wasn't this the lot of the average woman? Maybe the Magician was merely showing her what she could expect If she married. That could be more important than his actual Answer. Or was that part of the Answer? The Good Magician had his peculiarities, but also a devious comprehension of the real situation. He had obviously known all about Dor himself, yet allowed him to struggle through the rigors of entry into the castle. Odd competence! The rug drops them off at the brain coral's pool. quote:I am here, something thought in his mind. I am the Brain Coral--here beyond your sight beneath the lake. You bear the stigma of the Good Magician and are accompanied by his golem. Have you come to abate his debt to me? It easily agrees to the deal, as it really, really wants to experience being mortal for a while. The spell will last only a fortnight before it reverts, however. The carpet then takes them home to the tapestry room, and Grundy releases the spell before Dor can stop him. The mist surrounds him, sending him into the tapestry, past a bug amd towards a huge, muscled man. Pun Count: Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 16:33 on Aug 3, 2013 |
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Aug 3, 2013 04:38
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Did he really use a racial slur as part of a pun?
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Aug 3, 2013 05:12
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Yes.
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Aug 3, 2013 05:52
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Thinly veiled erection jokes and puns. So it begins! If I remember correctly Irene is the only female character with some character development throughout the books. Though I might have imagined that. quote:It reminds me of the Patton Oswalt bit about "clean filth." Wasn't there a part in one of the books where two underage kids wanted to have sex, but none of the adults could tell them how because of magic? The strange obsession with underwear in later books is about as disturbing. LordAba fucked around with this message at 06:10 on Aug 3, 2013 |
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Aug 3, 2013 06:04
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LordAba posted:Thinly veiled erection jokes and puns. So it begins! Yes. There was. I'm not sure what was worse, when he just had people strut about buck naked for chapters or when he started to get coy about things with the storks and the panties and the ellipses. Possibly because people complained about his books, because that's also the point where he breaks out in a lot of railing against ~moral guardians~ and the like. I think one of the books was about a stork who objected bringing a baby to a couple because one of them was an underaged girl. The stork was the villain of the piece, naturally.
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Aug 3, 2013 06:58
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I think there's two puns with the washing powder segment.
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Aug 3, 2013 07:41
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BrainParasite posted:Hologram. So there's one that isn't explicitly about being all good looking. But it's still about illusions. Women don't get to do anything real.
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Aug 3, 2013 14:06
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Chapter 3 starts with Dor facing off against some goblins, realizing that he is now in the tapestry, eight hundred years in the past. He is also huge and muscular and covered in fleas.quote:Something stung him on the head. Dor clapped his hand there, knocking himself momentarily dizzy, but whatever it was, was gone. It had felt, however, like a louse or flea. He had no antifleas spell with him. Already the penalties of the primitive life were manifesting. The spider is a giant, hairy creature with green spider eyes and a constant stream of chittering that Dor is certain is a threat. Dor feints with the sword and the spider retreats, wondering what it's trying to say. The sword he's holding tells him quote:The sword he held thought he had spoken to it. "I know battle language. The monster says he doesn't really want to fight, but he's never seen a horror like you before. He wonders whether you are good to eat." The spider seems distracted, however, and Dor realizes the goblins are coming back. The sword suggests he kill the spider, then die fighting the goblins, for it's the warrior's way. Dor doesn't want to die, and isn't sure what dying will actually do to him. quote:"I'm no warrior!" Dor cried, thoroughly frightened. It had not occurred to him that the world of the tapestry would pose an immediate threat to him. But now he was in it, this world seemed thoroughly real, and he didn't want to find out whether he could die here. Maybe his death would merely catapult him back prematurely, terminating the spell, dumping him into his own body, mission unaccomplished. Maybe it would be more final. Dor doesn't want to hurt the goblins, or at least he thinks he doesn't. When one bites hime, however, he gets mad and starts punching. The spider helps him fight, and Dor allows the body to fight for him, cutting goblins to pieces with the sword. He feels sick over it, but he turns to protect his spider ally. Between them, the two kill a dozen goblins. Dor vomits over what he's done. quote:The spider chittered. Dor needed no translation. "I'm not used to bloodshed," he said, suppressing another heave. "If only they hadn't attacked--I didn't want to do this!" He felt tears sting his eyes. He had heard of girls being upset about losing their virginity; now he had an inkling what it felt like. He had defended himself, he had had to do that, but in the process had lost something he knew he could never recover. He had shed humanoid blood How could he ever get the taint from his soul? Dor wonders where the spider came from - he hadn't seen any in the tapestry before. He decides he wants it to be an ally, as long as he can find some object that understands spiders. He cleans off his sword and then finds himself a cobweb. quote:"I certainly do. I was fashioned by a lovely Banded Garden Spider, the prettiest arachnid you never did see, all black-and-orange-striped, with the longest legs! You should have seen her snare a mosquito! But a mean old gnat-catcher bird got her, I don't know why, it certainly wasn't out of gnats--" (Pun Count: 48) quote:"Yes, very sad," Dor agreed. "Now I'm going to take you with me--may I put you on my shoulder? I want you to translate some spider talk for me." (Pun Count: 51) They head off to find some crabapple trees (Pun count: 52) or tree-dwelling lobsters for Jumper to eat. quote:Jumper clicked his tusks together. "All life is a danger. Hunger is a danger too. I am at home at the heights." And he continued climbing the tree with his marvelous facility, straight up the trunk. His eight legs really helped. Dor had assumed that two or four legs were best, but already he was having second or fourth thoughts. He could not mount a tree like that! (What the hell, we'll count it. Pun Count: 52) Dor worries about Jumper and decides he owes him a great debt for bringing him into the tapestry. Jumper captures some lobsters. quote:Almost, Dor felt sympathy for the lobster, for it was still alive and struggling vainly against its web-bands. But he remembered the time he had climbed a butternut tree to fetch some butter, and a lobster had nipped him. He had been nervous about them ever since; they were ornery creatures. This one's red antennae radiated malevolence at him. (Pun Count: 53) Jumper's saving the captured lobsters for later - he ate the others. Dor goes hunting for his own food, harvesting some grits from a local hominy tree. (Pun Count: 54. At least, I think there's a pun in there somewhere.) Dor wants to rest, but Jumper fears it's not safe. He saw a harpy while in the tree, after all. He thus offers to keep Dor safe by spinning a hammock for him. quote:Jumper climbed up through the air. Noting Dor's startled reaction, he chittered down the explanation: "My dragline. I left it in place when I finished catching the lobsters. We spiders could not survive without our draglines. They keep us from falling, ever. Sometimes my hatchmates and I would have drag races, when I was young, jumping from high places to see who could bounce closest to the ground without touching..." He climbed on out of sight. (Pun Count: 55) Jumper is quite sorry to hear that Dor doesn't have hundreds of siblings, and intrigued by the idea of parents remaining together. The hammock proves quite comfortable, though Dor is still annoyed at his fleas. Dor has to piss, but he finds that Jumper got rid of his cobweb, so he has to cut a bit of Jumper's own web to translate. quote:"...mission, while mine is merely to return to my normal world," Jumper was saying. "So it behooves me to help you complete your mission, so that we can both return." Thus Dor finally has his piss and heads off towards Castle Roogna with Jumper. He has to warn Jumper against tangle trees, though. They also run into a small, dragon-like thing that they decide to avoid. However, the creature extends out its limbs to prevent them. quote:But the creature extended one leg enormously, so that it stretched way out to block Dor's progress. "You may not pass," it rasped. "This is my domain, my precinct, my territory. I govern." (Pun Count: 56) quote:Dor knew of no such creature in his own time. This must have been an evolutionary dead end. Gerrymander--who prevailed by changing its shape to block the passage of others? A strange definition of success! (Pun Count: 57) It turns out that Gerrymander is sapping his strength somehow, quote:Terrified by this strange threat, he reacted savagely. He struck with all his power at the thing's neck. The great sword cut cleanly through Gerrymander's substance as if it were mere cocoa from a nut, cleaving the monster in twain. (Pun count: 58) quote:But no blood flowed. "I don't have to be contiguous," Gerrymander cried, its severed head forming little legs as its ears elongated. The ears were now limbs. "I don't have to be reasonable; I have the power of accommodation. I can be any shape and any number, anytime. I am master of form and number. I cover whatever territory I need, regardless of my actual base, to hold power." Dor asks Jumper for help, and he decides to bind it up in silk. However, while it is stuck in place, the creature keeps expanding. However, they escape by leaping up into a tree - it can't jump. quote:"We had only to jump over it!" Dor cried with realization. "Just as it blocked us, knowing no laws of motion, we could pass it without such laws. The moment we pass it, we win. That's how you fight Gerrymander!" They head on, having gotten past Gerrymander, and they reach the Gap. Jumper has an idea of how to get across, but it's dangerous. Dor worries about the Gap dragon, but Jumper wants to float across on a silk balloon. Dor doesn't like the idea, but they have no choice. quote:Dor had known Jumper only two days, but he had come to depend on the big spider. It was not merely that Jumper was company, or that he fought well, or that he had so many useful tricks with his silk--such as ballooning!--it was that Jumper was adult. Dor had the body of a man, but fell far short of the judgement or certainty of a man. He got frightened when alone, and insecure, not always for sufficient reason. Jumper, in contrast, coolly assessed every situation and reacted with level-minded precision. He could make mistakes, but they didn't throw him. He was a stabilizing influence, and Dor needed that. He hadn't realized it until this moment--which was part of his problem. He was not good at analyzing his own motives ahead of a crisis. He needed the company of someone who understood him, someone who could prepare for Dor's mistakes without making an embarrassing issue of it. Someone like Jumper. A bird approaches. quote:A speck appeared among the clouds. A bug, no a bird, no a harpy, no a dragon--no, it loomed larger still. A roc--it must be a roc-bird, largest of all winged creatures. But as it came closer yet, and he gained perspective on it, he knew that it was after all to small to be a roc, though it certainly was large. It was a bird with bright but tasteless plumage; patches of red, blue, and yellow on the wings, a brown tail speckled with white, and a body streaked in shades of green. The head was black with a white patch about one eye and two purple feathers near the gray beak. In short, a hodgepodge. The bird drops Dor in its nest. quote:The nest was incredible. It had been fashioned from every imaginable and some unimaginable substance: string, leaves, bark, snakeskins, seaweed, human clothing, feathers, silver wire--Dor's father had mentioned a silver oak somewhere in the jungle; the bird must have found that tree-dragon's scales, a petrified peanut-butter sandwich, strands of hair from a harpy's tail--harpies had hairy feathers, or feathery hairs--a tangle-tree tentacle, pieces of broken glass, seashells strung together, an amulet fashioned from centaur mane, several dried worms, and a mishmash of less identifiable things. (Pun Count: 59) quote:But what filled the nest was even more remarkable. There were eggs, of course--but not this bird's own eggs, for they were of all colors, sizes, and shapes. Round eggs, oblong eggs, hourglass eggs; green ones, purple ones, polka-dotted ones; an egg the size of Dor's head, and another the size of his littlest fingernail. At least one was an alabaster darning egg. There were also assorted nuts and berries and screws. There were dead fish and live wires and golden keys and brass-bound books, and pine and ice-cream cones. There was a marble statue of a winged horse, and marbles carved from unicorn horn. There was an hourglass with a quarter hour on it, and three linked rings made of ice. A soiled sunbeam and a polished werewolf dropping. Five goofballs. And Dor. (Pun Count: 65) Dor tries to figure out what to do. The statue tells him to make a rope from the Hoorah's nest, but he can't. A ring tells him to wear it and it grants wishes. He does, and nothing happens. The ring says he just needs patience because it's out of practice. At which point Jumper shows up. He'd tied a dragline to Dor and so he could easily follow. Meanwhile, the Hoorah drops a something new off in the nest. quote:The thing most recently deposited stirred. It flung limbs about, and a curtain of hair. It righted itself and sat up. Pun Count: 65 as of the end of Chapter 3. Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 20:51 on Aug 3, 2013 |
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Aug 3, 2013 17:09
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And it was actually a halfway decent book for about a chapter. Looks like it's time for more flagrant sexism!
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Aug 3, 2013 20:26
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Chapter 4, and I'm shocked to find myself actually liking Jumper. It's weird to have a character that seems decent.quote:As the big bird disappeared, Jumper climbed back over the side of the nest. The girl spied him and screamed. She flung her hair about. She kicked her feet. She was a healthy young thing with a penetrating scream, marvelous blond tresses, and extremely well-formed legs. The girl then asks about why Jumper's voice comes from the web. She starts talking to it. quote:"I made a translation web," Dor explained. "Jumper's voice is the chitter. You should at least say hello to him." Dor wants to attach a dragline to the woman, but she's too scared to let Jumper get close. quote:"Be quiet!" Dor snapped, losing patience despite the impression her attributes had made on him. Either this body had singular appetites, or he had been missing a whole dimension of experience all his prior life! "You'll bring back the Hoorah." So Jumper strengthen's Dor's cables while the girl starts poking around the nest. quote:Meanwhile the girl, with her irrepressible feminine curiosity, was exploring the nest. "Oh, jewels!" she exclaimed, clapping her cute little hands together excitedly, (Pun Count: 66) The girl takes the pearls. quote:Now they heard the Hoorah returning. Dor put his left arm around the girl's slender and supple waist and lifted her easily off her feet; what power this body had! Maybe it wasn't his muscles so much as her lack of mass; she was featherlike though firmly fleshed. There must be a special magic about girls like this, he thought, to make them full yet light. He leaped over the edge of the nest, trusting Jumper's dragline to preserve them from a fall. The girl screamed, kicked her feet, and flung her hair in his face. "Quiet," he said around a mouthful of golden strands, holding her close so she wouldn't wriggle loose. He was feeling very heroistic at the moment. However, the Hoorah's going to spot them soon, and it's mad about the theft. Dor can't use his sword, otherwise the cable won't work right. Jumper halts their fall, and Dor tries to figure out what to do. quote:That left Dor and the terrified girl dangling like bait for the Hoorah. She was squirming, twitching her silk, and kicking her feet uselessly. His left arm, despite its mighty thews, was tiring. Pretty soon he'd be down to one thew, then none. Girls certainly were a nuisance at times. Jumper distracts the Hoorah for a bit. quote:After several futile passes, the bird realized that Jumper was too quick for it to catch. Just as well, as the translations of the spider's insults were turning the girl's ears a delicate shell-pink. The Hoorah looked around, casting about for the other prey. Fortunately all they had to do was remain still and silent. (Pun Count: 67) The Hoorah goes after the pearl, and Jumper finds the plan ingenious. He tells Dor to throw the next away so he can lower them down to the ground. quote:"Right!" Dor agreed. He faced the girl. "And don't scream," he warned. By the time they hit the ground, they're out of pearls, but the Hoorah is fully distracted. Dor gets a few sticks in case the Hoorah comes again, since...I don't know, sticks will help distract it? And the ring proudly claims to have granted Dor's wish. Dor decides he's pretty sure it's not magical at all. They forage some marshmallow bushes, an apple pine and some iced-tea leaves for dinner (Pun Count: 70). Jumper eats the pine apples, but decides he likes lobsters better. The girl allows Jumper to maker her a hammock, and they head to bed for the night. Dor and the girl have a chat. He explains that he's from a strange and far-off land similar to Xanth, and that he wants to find the Zombie Master to get an elixir. Jumper is his friend from the same place. quote:Her story was as simple. "I am a maid of just barely maybe seventeen, from the West Stockade by the lovely seashore where the gaze-gourds grow, traveling to the new capital to seek my fortune. But when I crossed a high ridge--to stay away from the tiger lilies, you know, because they have a special taste for sweet young things, those lilies of the valley--the Hoorah bird spotted me, and though I screamed and flung my hair about and kicked my feet exactly as a maid is supposed to--well, you know the rest." (Pun Count: 72) Dor decides to help her get to Castle Roogna.0 quote:She clapped her hands in that girlishly cute way she had, and jiggled in her harness with that womanly provocation she also had. "Oh, would you? That's wonderful!" (Pun Count: 73, I think?) quote:More than that, he had never as a child liked gum-balls that well. He had seen others liking them, but he had not understood why. Now he wanted one so badly--and was suspicious of this change in himself. (Pun Count: 75. I don't think Dor-man is intentional, but we'll count it.) quote:"Ah, figurative," Jumper agreed once he understood. "You dreamed of such a horse. A mare--a female." In the morning, they head on towards Castle Roogna, though they must cross a river. The ring says it'll take care of it. quote:"I'll see to it," the ring on his finger said. "Just give me a little time. I got you to sleep last night, didn't I? You have to have patience, you know." (Pun Count: 76) Jumper offers to balloon across, but Dor doesn't want to risk it again. Millie suggests a boat, but she has no idea how to make one or enchant one against monsters. quote:"No," she said. "I am a maid." Jumper figures that he and Dor can fight any monsters, but they s till need a boat. Jumper decides to make one from silk, which he'll draw across, since he can walk on water. Dor gets some stink bugs to use to attack with (Pun Count: 77) and Jumper prepares the lines. He then heads across the water, but is attacked by a river monster. Dor tries to distract it but fails. He tells a stick to insult the monster enough to make it chase the stick. He hurls it, and the monster gets mad and starts hunting after it. quote:"Better blow out that tube before you choke," the stick said, warming up to its task. "I haven't heard a noise like that since a bull croak smacked into my tree and brained out its brainless brains." (Pun Count: 77) However, other monsters are arriving. Dor swings out over the water, getting their attention. quote:Heads popped out of the water, now orienting on him. Toothy, glared-eyed excrescences on sinuous necks. "You can't catch me, deadpans!" he cried. Deadpans were creatures who lurked around cooking fires, associating with slinky copperheads and similar ilk, and had the ugliest faces found in nature. (Pun Count: 79) The water tells him that there's always one more monster than they can handle, but Dor tries anyway, hurling a stink bug. Millie, meanwhile, is dancing around, trying to help. quote:Millie was doing her part. She was capering beside the water and waving her hands and calling out to the monsters. Her flesh bounced in what had to be, to a monster, the tastiest manner. Even Dor felt like taking a bite. Or something. The trouble was, the monsters were responding too well. "Get back, Millie!" Dor cried. "They have long necks!" Dor tries to draw his sword, but messes up. He amuses a monster as he tries to get his sword back, and then punches it in the face before finally threatening it with the sword. He scares it off, and the others hang back. quote:"Why, that's the bravest thing I ever saw!" Millie exclaimed, clapping her hands again. She did that often now, and it sent most interesting ripples through her torso--yet Dor had never seen her do it in his own world. What had changed? Dor then nearly cuts his own head off trying to swat the flea. Jumper makes it across, and now they can cross. Dor has to carry Millie, of course. quote:"Maybe you can," Millie said. "You're a big brave strong rugged man. But I am a little diffident weak soft maid. I could never--" Harpies, however, show up overhead. Dor can't draw his sword, because of Millie. The harpies dive in and seize them. quote:The flock plunged down, screaming with glee. Claws closed as half a dozen foul creatures clutched at Millie, who screamed and kicked and flung her tresses about to no avail, as usual. She was torn from Dor's grasp and lifted into the sky. They are taken off to a cliff, but Dor is left in another cave than Millie. He decides to hide his sword for now and find out why the harpies have taken him. quote:The harpies scuttled back, leaving one especially hideous crone before him. "My, aren't you the husky one!" she cackled, her ropy hair flying about wildly as she pecked her head forward, chickenlike. Maybe those were feathers on her pate; it was hard to tell under the muck. "Good teeth, good muscle tone, handsome--yes, you'll do just fine!" Dor finds himself face to face with another Harpy down the tunnel. quote:Another harpy faced him there--but what a difference there was! This was a young bird, with metallic sheen on her feathers, shiny brass claws, the face and breasts of a lovely maiden--and she was clean. Her hair was neatly brushed, each tress luxuriant; if there were any feathers in it, they were silken ones. She was the prettiest harpy Dor had ever seen or imagined. Dor is surprised to learn this. Helen likes that he's killed some goblins, and Dor asks why they don't get along. Once, they were, but the goblins did something horrible, and now they are at war. quote:Dor sat down on the edge of the nest. It was as soft and fluffy as it looked. "That's funny. I thought only my own kind waged wars." (Pun Count: 80) quote:"But that was only one generation," Dor protested. "More cocks should have hatched in the next generation." Dor finds Millie, and they try to figure out how to leave. Millie, however, is suspicious of what Dor was doing, especially since his face is clean now. They can't fly, so the cliff seems unescapable. quote:Even if there had been handholds, they would have required both of his hands. He would have been unable to hold on to Millie with one, and she would have screamed and kicked her feet and flung her hair about and fallen to her death the moment she attempted to make such a climb by herself. She was a delectable female, but just not much use at man-business. He asks the walls if there are any goblin tunnels in the area, though goblins did use the tunnels. The walls tell him that the goblins got in and out through the ceilings. So he asks the ceiling, and it turns out that has a tunnel, covered over by mud and plaster and harpy poo poo. Dor stabs through it, carving out a hole. The harpies try to stop them, but Millie is afraid of nickelpedes. quote:Now more harpies were pressing close. They respected Dor's bared blade, but did not retreat farther than they had to. He could not swing freely in the passage, and didn't really want to shed their blood; after all, they were half-human, and it wasn't nice to kill females. Dor tries to get Millie up the passage, but hte harpies claim to know where it exits. Dor decides they're bluffing, or they wouldn't reveal that. Jumper shows up in the tunnel, though the harpies are watching the exit. There were nickelpedes, but Jumper ate them. Jumper decides, however, to lower them down the cliff. They fall quickly, but manage the survive the drop, thanks to Jumper. The harpies dive at them, trying to catch them, but Dor can use his sword this time, and he's able to stop them. However, it seems there are goblins at the base of the cliff. They really want to keep Dor. quote:Dor swung his sword in increasingly desperate arcs, keeping them at bay, trying not to sever his own line. A talon lanced into his shoulder from behind, and great foul wings beat about his head. Millie screamed loudly and kicked her feet harder, and her hair formed a golden splay in a passing sunbeam. None of that helped. Dor aimed his sword up and thrust violently over his own head and down behind it. The point jammed into something. There was an ear-shattering scream that momentarily drowned out Millie's racket, and the talon released his shoulder. When he yanked the sword forward there was blood on the tip. He slashed in another circle, slicing feathers off the harpies in front This violence sickened him, as it had when he fought the goblin band, but he kept on. Jumper apologizes for the drop, and the harpies have stopped, because goblins are coming. Dor turns to fend them off, while Jumper leads the way out. The harpies attack the goblins, and Jumper spots more goblins coming. They overrun the party, seizing Millie and Dor. They take him to a throne room with a goblin chief in it. quote:Millie was quietly screaming and still trying to kick her feet; she didn't like the goblins' mottled hands on her legs. The goblins, however, seemed more interested than antipathetic. Jumper was chittering, but Dor knew the goblins could not comprehend that. So he stepped forward, breaking free of those who restrained him. "We did not mean to intrude, sir," he said. "We were only trying to escape the harpies." He had little hope of mercy from these monsters, but had to try. (Pun Count: I'm gonna say the names count, so 82.) The goblins bring Dor's sword, and five goblins come to fight. Dor allows the body to fight on its own, easily defeating them, though he doesn't kill any. Craven is quite happy with this result, and declares the party his guests. Goblins apparently care a lot about status. The goblins give them "candied cavelice, sugared slugs, and censored centipedes." (Pun Count: 83) That's mostly not puns, just weird. Jumper quite likes them. Craven quite likes Jumper now, since he crunches bugs viciously and can shoot digestive juices, which is apparently great table manners with goblins. Dor quite likes the slugs, and Millie's okay with the lice. Craven asks what Dor was doing, and he responds that the harpies wanted him to do something for Heavenly Helen Harpy, which makes Millie suspicious. Craven laughs at the idea of a man being kidnapped to have sex with a harpy. Dor explains that they say it's because the goblins stole their men. quote:"We were just getting even for what they did to us!" Craven cried. "Once we shared caves, but they were greedy for our space, so they wreaked a foul enchantment on us. They blighted the sight of our females so that they perceived the merits of our men in reverse, The boldest, bravest, handsomest, brightest goblins became anathema to them; they were drawn infallibly to the weakest, ugliest, stupidest cowards and thieves among us, and with those they mated. In this manner our whole species was inevitably degraded. We were once more handsome than the elves and smarter than the gnomes and stronger than the trolls and had more honor than the Men themselves--and now look at us, warped and gnarled and stupid and cowardly and given to treachery, so that five of us cannot threaten one of you. The harpies set that enchantment on us, and only they can lift it, and the vile birds refuse to do that. So we must seek whatever vengeance we can, while we yet retain some power in Xanth." They are given a cave to sleep in, though Dor decides to keep watch, since Craven said goblins were treacherous. Jumper, likewise, is nervous. Dor gets the floor to make sleeping noises while Jumper explores the air hole in the ceiling, then makes a line to help them get out as the chapter ends. Pun Count: 83 as of the end of Chapter 4.
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Aug 4, 2013 00:38
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Alopex posted:And it was actually a halfway decent book for about a chapter. Looks like it's time for more flagrant sexism! Mors Rattus posted:Chapter 4, and I'm shocked to find myself actually liking Jumper. It's weird to have a character that seems decent.
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Aug 4, 2013 04:41
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Man I know the Crombie/Jewel relationship is creepy as fuuuuck. "Oh hey this female basically isn't strong enough willed to override anything I want to do. I'm going to sexually assault her via a love spring and then marry her."
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Aug 4, 2013 04:45
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Chapter 5 opens with the group heading on to Castle Roogna, which is half finished now. It's a big, impressive and eminently defensible castle - or, rather, the walls are. The inner palace hasn't even been built yet, and the north wall is only half done. Centaurs are working to build the thing, though they are less efficient and rougher than the centaurs of the present. Dor heads up to the supervisor.quote:He was sweating as he trotted back and forth, calling out instructions to the pulley crew, trying to maneuver the stone up without cracking into the existing wall. Horseflies buzzed annoyingly about his hindquarters--not the big flying-horse variety, but the little horse-biting variety. They buzzed off quickly when Jumper came near, but the centaur didn't notice. (Pun count: 84) He asks where to find King Roogna, but the centaur brushes him off rudely. Dor then asks the stone blocks where Roogna is, and finds that he is in a hut to the south. They head on over, where they find the hut is made of a large pumpkin. quote:They came across a hut adapted from a large pumpkin, set in a small but neat yard. A solid, graying man in soiled shorts was contemplating a chocolate cherry tree while chewing on the fruit: evidently a gardener sampling the product. The man hailed them without waiting for an introduction: "Welcome, travelers! Come have a cherry while they are available." Yeah. Cherry bomb. (Pun Count: 85) This turns out to be King Roogna. quote:Nonplused, Dor worked it out. He had pictured King Roogna as a man somewhat like King Trent, polished, intelligent, commanding of demeanor, a man nobody would care to take lightly. But of course the folklore of eight hundred years would clothe the Magician in larger-than-life grandeur. It was not a person's appearance that counted in Xanth, it was his magic talent. So this pudgy, informal, gardener-type man with the gentle manner and thinning, graying hair and sweaty armpits, unprepossessing--this could indeed be the King. "This tree--he changed it from chocolate cherry to cherry bomb--Magician King Roogna's talent was adapting magic to his purpose--" (Pun Count: 86) Roogna is baffled by the possibility of a Mundane as a Magician, and someone else wanders over. quote:A figure approached: a compact squarish man of the King's generation, with a slightly crooked smile. "Do I smell something interesting, Roogna?" he inquired. (Pun Count: 87) quote:Dor's mouth dropped open. "You are the Enemy Magician? Right here with the King?" Dor goes with Murphy, confused about the whole situation. Murphy explains that only the Zombie Master is on their level, and he doesn't want to be friendly, so Murphy tries to get along with Roogna. There is also Neo-Sorceress Vadna, who would have been Murphy's ally had he agreed to marry her, but he didn't, so she sided with Roogna. Murphy says she's not a dominant figure, and so he has to be friendly with Roogna if he wants a companion on his level. Dor explains that he's not really from Mundania, but from somewhere else. Murphy tries to guess where, and Dor is confused that he can remember the Gap easily. Dor demonstrates his talent, revealing a fake glass gem that Murphy usually uses to pay greedy fools to support him. Murphy wonders how they missed Dor, since they know Castle Roogna is sited in one of the strongest areas of useful magic, and that really strong magic tends not to come from far away. Murphy reasons out the truth: he's a time traveler. Since they don't have record of his talent, and it seems very sophisticated, he must be from the future. quote:The truth could not be concealed from this clever man! "Eight hundred years," Dor admitted. (Pun Count: 88) quote:"But I'm not on your side!" Dor blurted. "I want King Roogna to win!" Dor decides he really has to tell Murphy as much as he can - he's trying to restore a zombie, Jumper is here by accident and so on. Murphy tells him that they could easily find the Zombie Master, but he won't help. He might know how to restore zombies, but he won't do anything for anyone. That's why he lives alone. Dor decides he still has to ask anyway. Murphy tells him he's not too worried about the future, since Dor might be lying...though since Dor gets mad when he says that, he's probably not. quote:Murphy held up a hand, unalarmed. "You sound so uncertain, yet your body reacts so aggressively! This corroborates your story, of course. Do not force me to use my magic against you. You would suffer mishap before ever you brought your weapon to bear. I did not call you a liar. I merely conjecture that you could be misinformed. History is notorious for misinformation. That castle you knew could have been built a century later and given the name of Roogna, to lend verisimilitude to the new order. How would you know?" Roogna reiterates that the Zombie Master helps no one. Still, he tells Dor where to find him - east, in the wilderness. He will give Dor a guard and a guide. quote:They rejoined Millie and Jumper. "The King has given me a job!" Millie exclaimed immediately, bouncing and clapping her hands and swinging her hair in such a full circle that it lapped around her face, momentarily concealing it. "As soon as the Castle is complete." I really have no idea how Piers Anthony thinks hair works. Jumper offers to help Roogna out in moving stuff around, and Murphy decides to use this as a test of his theories. quote:The King served them royally enough with pies from a pie tree he had adapted for this purpose: pizza, shepherd's, mince, cheese, and pecan pies, washed down with excellent fruit punch from a punchfruit tree. (Pun Count: 89) Roogna explains how his talent works - he can alter how a spell manifests, though not change its form. He can't turn a man into a tree, but can turn a chocolate cherry into a cherry bomb, or a truth spell into a sleep spell. Jumper heads off to help the construction, with Dor coming to translate for him. The centaurs are upset because they're running behind schedule, and they don't want Jumper's help, because they don't like bugs. Jumper decides not to press the issue. quote:"We don't care if he can throw droppings at the big green moon!" one yelled. "Get him out of here before we fetch a fly swatter!" They leave, though Dor is quite angry. He goes to see Rogna, who is using a small, captive water dragon to adapt a spell to keep the roof from leaking. They explain the problem, and Roogna gets quite angry. quote:King Roogna had seemed like an even-tempered, harmless sort of man. Now that changed. He stood up straight and his jaw hardened. "I will not have this attitude in my kingdom!" He snapped his fingers, and in a moment a flying dragon arrived: a beautiful creature armored in stainless steel, with burnished talons and a long snout suitable for aiming a jet of fire accurately from a distance. "Dragon, it seems my work crew is getting balky. Fetch your contingent and--" They watch the king work, but he's interrupted by a message - the blocks have been screwed up and are pulling each other apart. It seems they were laid in the wrong place and so aren't pulling together as intended. Roogna is getting more and more frustrated, especially when he learns that the goblin army is on the move, and will arrive in ten days. A harpy flight will arrive at the same time. Roogna feels that the battle will destroy the castle, since they couldn't complete the walls in time. Dor thinks it might be possible to divert them, but Roogna says that any attempt to do so will make them attack, since harpies and goblins are both kind of jerks. They can't beat either army, and any attempt to recruit people will waste magic that should be used to build the castle. They can't get the human army in time because of Murphy's curse. If they could recruit the Zombie Master, though, that would solve a lot of problems...but he doesn't do politics. Dor decides he'll try anyway, since there's nothing to lose and he has to talk to the guy anyway. Roogna accepts the offer and Millie decides to go along, too, since she has nothing to do with the castle delayed and unfinished. Dor decides to allow it, since, really, he's doing all this for her anyway. quote:Why did he feel so glad for her company? He knew he could never--she was not--his body appreciated aspects of her that he himself had hardly glimpsed, but she could never be his in that way. So why should he fool himself with impossible notions? Pun Count: Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 16:53 on Aug 4, 2013 |
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Aug 4, 2013 05:32
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t3h_z0r posted:Anthony's pedophilia in his works is prettymuch an open secret, but one thing that hasn't been mentioned is Anthony's weird bestiality, especially around horses. Even aside from the super busty nudist centaurs I can think of no less than three fairly major characters in his work who are magic horses that turn into hot babes who occasionally go into heat and become insatiable sex fiends. In the Adept series I believe that one of the horses stays a horse while Stile fucks her. That's also the one where they're in a bizarre future colony where most people are serfs and clothes means status (so all the serfs are completely naked). They play in games to get their freedom, including things like naked interpretive dance. When I was kid I thought the games were actually cool, too. I didn't really see the creepiness. I...I was a big Piers Anthony fan in middle school. I convinced my father not to let my sister (who is ten years younger than me) read any of his books, explaining that he is a big creepy pedophilic bestiality nut.
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Aug 4, 2013 06:19
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Chapter 6! The party has been given a dragon horse escort - the front of a horse on the rear end of a dragon. I don't think that's a pun, just dumb. Their guide is its imp rider. Everyone gets onto the dragon horse, and it runs off, nearly bouncing them off it. Jumper ties them in place with his silk, which the imp thinks ruins the fun of it. quote:The foliage was rushing past. This creature was really moving! It threaded neatly through seemingly impassable tangles, avoiding tangle trees and monster warrens, hardly abating its pace even for fair-sized rifts. The imp was an obnoxious little man-thing, typical of his kind, spreading insults imp-partially--but he really knew his route and controlled the dragon expertly. Dor appreciated expertise wherever he found it. (Pun count: 91) The trip goes quickly, and Dor realizes that the Zombie Master lives where Humfrey does in the modern day. Zombies rise up from the ground, and the dragon horse stops. It won't go any further. Dor, Millie and Jumper get off, and the imp and dragon horse start heading back. quote:The three dismounted. Immediately Dor felt cramps in his legs; that ride had really battered them! Millie stood bowlegged, unable even to kick her feet properly. Only Jumper was unkinked; he had perched atop his saddle throughout, being unable to sit at all. They approach the zombies, which tell them that no one passes at all. Jumper understands this better than the others, because all human speech sounds weird to him, so slurred speech is just another kind of weirdness. The zombies terrify Millie, and Jumper ties them up so they can't stop the party. That's easier than killing them, since...well, they have to be chopped to bits. They head towards the castle, and Jumper handles a zombie snake while Dor threatens a zombie tangle tree to get them past. They enter the castle, where Dor smashes down the door and a zombie ogre shows up, trying to get them to leave. quote:"We must see the Zombie Master," Millie said, though pale with fear. In her cute way, she too, had courage. Well, not very hard. They meet with a pale, cadaverous man, whom Dor takes as a zombie at first but who turns out to be the Zombie Master, who is alive. Dor asks him to help King Roogna, and for the elixir to return a zombie to life. quote:"I do not indulge in politics," the Zombie Master said. "And I have no interest in restoring zombies to life; that would undermine my own talent." He made a chill gesture of dismissal and returned to his business--which was the corpse of an ant lion that he was evidently about to animate. (Pun Count: 92) The ogre steps up, and Jumper advises Dor not to fight. quote:Dor took another look at the ogre, remembering how Crunch had snapped an ironwood tree off at the base with one careless blow. This creature was not in good condition, being dead, but could probably snap an aluminumwood tree off. Mere human flesh would be no problem at all. So his second thought was much the same as his first: he could not prevail here, (Pun Count: 93) Dor decides to leave, thinking himself an unheroic coward for doing so. The zombies allow this, and they start walking back, since they have no dragon horse now. quote:They untied the two zombie guards Jumper had trussed in silk. "Nothing personal," Dor explained to them. "Our business with your Master is finished." They marched. Millie made a very pretty marcher, when she wasn't screaming or kicking her feet; her hair still flung about naturally. He was getting used to her as she was now, and found her rather intriguing. In fact, he wouldn't mind--but that wouldn't be right. He had to guard against the thoughts his Mundane body put into his head; Mundanes weren't very subtle. At which point they run into a campfire, where a man threatens to attack them if they move. Jumper hides in the foliage while Millie and Dor are approached. The man seems to be a mundane, armed with a bow. Dor introduces himself, and the man confirms it, sneering at him for being Xanthian and saying he looked like a normal person. The man gets a fellow Mundane, Joe, to come help. quote:Joe arrived. He was another brutish man, unclean and malodorous. "What's all this noise about--" Dor backs off a bit, and the Mundanes call in reinforcements. Jumper attacks,. tying the two men up, but it's too late. Jumper takes them up to the trees, then heads back down to distract the Mundanes while Dor and Millie continue on. The Mundanes attack Jumper, managing to chop down his thread and grab him. Dor is about to turn back, but Jumper tells him not to, and instead to get Millie safely to the Zombie Master's castle. Dor flees with Millie while the Mundanes beat Jumper up, trying to make him suffer. They start tearing Jumper's legs off, and Dor starts running faster. quote:Reproachfully, she hurried. Dor felt like a heel from a No. 1 shoe-tree, knowing she thought concern for his own safety motivated him, but he wasted no effort trying to explain. Jumper had eight legs; it would take the Mundanes time to get them all, and he had to use that time well. (Pun Count: 94) Dor and Millie barge into the castle, where Dor insists the Zombie Master help him, threatening to kill him if he doesn't. quote:Now the Zombie Master showed some spirit. "So you, a mortal, dare to threaten a Magician?" The zombies go to help Dor fight as they head back to the Mundane camp. quote:His concern for his friend lent him swiftness, and somehow the zombies kept up. Yet even as he ran, Dor wondered whether he had not left Millie to as bad a fate as the one he strove to rescue Jumper from. The spider had sacrificed himself to save the two of them; Millie had sacrificed herself to save the spider. The full nature of Millie's talent had never been apparent to him, though it was coming clearer; it included holding and kissing and-- Jumper is alive, though missing four of his legs. Dor lunges, chopping off a mundane head and going numb for a moment before the rage overtakes him again. The zombies go to fighting easily, and by the end, all but three run. Those three die. They gather up Jumper and the corpses, taking them back to the castle. quote:Millie met them at the entrance. She looked all right. Her clothes were still on, and her hair was unmussed. Dor had trouble phrasing his question. "He--did he--?" Jumper says he'll need a month or so to regrow his legs, but they don't have that time. The Zombie Master asks why the men tortured him, and Jumper explains that he is alien and horrible, then falls unconscious. quote:"A thing of horror, yet with sentience and courage," the Zombie Master murmured thoughtfully. He looked up. "I will care for this creature as long as he requires it. Egor, carry him to the guest chamber." (Pun Count: 94) Dor realizes that the Healing Spring is nearby, and the Zombie Master says that it'd be useful for him, too, so he'll help fetch it if Dor will share it. Dor agrees, though he mentions that the water is cursed - you can't act against the Spring's interests. The Zombie Master considers this fair, and he gives Dor a zombie roc to carry him and a pair of jugs for the water. They fly off, heading east. quote:Dor had only been to the Healing Spring once with his father Bink, who had needed elixir for some obscure adult purpose. On that trip Bink had reminisced about his adventures there: how he had met Dor's mother Chameleon, she being then in the guise of Dee, her normal phase, at such and such a spot, and how he had found the soldier Crombie at this other spot, wounded, and used the elixir to restore him to health. Dor and Bink had visited briefly with a dryad, a wood nymph associated with a particular tree, resembling a pretty girl of about Millie's present age. She had tousled Dor's hair and wished him well. Ah, yes, it had been a fine trip! But now, high in the air, Dor could not ask the objects of the ground where the Spring was, and there were no clouds close enough to hail-hail-call, that is, not hail-stone--and his memory seemed fallible. For some reason I recall that dryad hating Bink. Ah well. They land, and the roc shatters its wings doing so. quote:He reconnoitered. They had missed the Spring, but there was a handsome tree nearby on the hillside. And--he recognized it. "Dryad!" he cried, running toward it. "Remember me, Dor?" He asks a stone how he'll get out, and it tells him to ride the roc after healing it with elixir. Dor gets the jugs and goes to the spring, asking it if he can take its elixir, but it gets annoyed. quote:"Yes, I mind!" the Spring replied. "All you creatures come and steal my substance, that I labor so hard to enchant, and what recompense do I get for it?" (Pun Count: 96) Dor heals the roc and flies back to the Zombie Master's castle. However, Dor can see that the Mundanes are laying siege to it with what seems a whole army. Dor goes to visit Jumper, who says that his internal organs have been damaged and that he's dying. However, Dor heals him with the elixir. The Zombie Master is impressed by the fact that Dor would cry for Jumper, saying that no one ever cried for him. He wants people to care for him, which is why he agreed to help Jumper, whom he sees as a fellow alien. Dor asks if he'll help Roogna, but he declines. quote:Because the King was no pariah. This Magician might assist those who showed him some human compassion, but King Roogna had not done that. "Would you at least come to meet the King, to talk with him? If you helped him, he would see that you received due honor--" (Pun Count: 97) Dor offers to leave, but it won't help - they're mad at the zombies, too. And they think the castle has treasure. Jumper suggests they help defend it. He also asks the Zombie Master to reconsider the zombie restorative elixir, since that's a personal matter. quote:The Zombie Master glanced at him coldly. Before the Magician could speak, Millie put her sweet little hand on his lean arm. "Please," she breathed. She was excruciatingly attractive when she breathed that way. Yet she could not know that it was as a favor to herself, of eight hundred years later, that Dor was obtaining this precious substance. Pun Count: 97 as of the end of Chapter 6.
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Aug 4, 2013 17:07
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And Jumper continues to be the best aspect of the book.
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Aug 4, 2013 19:43
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Chapter 7 opens with the siege.quote:The siege was serious. The Mundanes were reasonably apt at this sort of thing, since they were an army. Motivated by vengeance and greed and the knowledge that at least one measurelessly pretty girl was inside the castle, they knew no decent limits. They closed in about the castle and readied their assault. Dor decides they need to cleasn out the moat, since right now they can wade across and the monster can't get them all. And if they do it now, while the mundanes are recovering, it should work. The Zombie Master agrees, and gets to work figuring out the zombie restoration formula. Dor leads the zombies out to clean things up while he directs them fro mthe ramparts. Dor wonders if this will actually change anything in real history, though. The Mundanes shoot the zombies pointlessly, and Dor uses a bow to keep them from getting close enough to chop them apart. Jumper, meanwhile, is eating rats and shoring up weak spots in the walls with silk. quote:Millie went over the living and cooking facilities. The Zombie Master, a bachelor, had a good store of provisions but evidently survived mainly on those that required least effort to prepare: cheese balls, fried eggs from the friers that nested on the rafters, hot dogs from the dogwood that grew just inside the moat, and shrimp from the shrimp plants in the courtyard. The courtyard was south of the roofed region, so that the sunlight could slant in over the south wall to reach the ground inside; a number of plants and animals existed there, since the zombies did not bother them. (Pun Count: 101) quote:Millie set about making more substantial meals. She found dried fruits in the cellar, and dehydrated vegetables, all neatly spelled to keep them from spoiling, and cooked up a genuine handmade mashed peach and potato cobblestone stew. It was amazing. (Pun Count: 102) The Zombie Master creates the elixir, giving it to Dor, but he warns him that it will only work once. He asks Dor why he had it made. He actually doesn't mind the company or the challenge of defending his home, but he's curious. quote:"Uh, yes," Dor said, surprised. The Magician was becoming quite sociable! "You deserve to know." Dor was feeling generous now that he had this much of his mission accomplished, and the Zombie Master's candor was nice to receive. "I am from eight hundred years in your future. There is a zombie in my time I wish to restore to full life as a favor to--to a friend." Even in this moment of confidence, he could not quite confess his real interest in Millie. This vial would make her happy, and himself desolate, but the thing had to be done. They head to the walls, with Jumper in the east, the Zombie Master in the south and Dor in the west. Egor has the north gate. Millie stays inside, caring for the healing elixir. quote:No one wanted to put her on the ramparts during the violence, where her cute reactions would serve as a magnet for Mundanes. The attack comes, heading for Dor's wall. The Mundanes use a makeshift bridge and some scaling ladders to cross the moat and climb. Dor needs to piss, but he can't go anywhere. Meanwhile, some zombies attack them at the top of the ladders. Dor helps get rid of the ladders while the men are shocked, and Dor again feels sick about the killing. However, the moat monster is having trouble. Further, one of the ladders turns out to be enchanted. quote:"I am an enchanted ladder," it replied. "The stupid Mundanes stole me from a stockade arsenal; they don't know my properties." Some of the Mundanes get up the third ladder, and Dor has to fight them. He fights with sword and crowbar, and one of the Mundanes recognizes him as 'Mike', a man they thought was lost. quote:The Mundane hardly tried to resist. "They told me there was a man looked like you, but I didn't believe it! I should've known the best infighter in the troop would make it okay! Hell, with your strength and balance--" Dor feels sick again over the killing, since it now feels just like a job and it makes hi mfeel guilty. Further, he doesn't like the idea that he might have killed the original Mike persona. The flea continues to annoy him. He hopes that Mike will return when he leaves, and he doesn't like having taken advantage of Mike's friend recognizing him. Dor decides that when he's King, he will never use war. The battle ends for the day, and the Mundanes won't come at night, since they fear the dark and the "haunted" castle. quote:It drained from him quickly. With relief he followed her down the winding stairs to the main hall. He noted the pleasant sway of her hips as she walked. He was noticing more things like that, recently. They set up a watch system, and Millie eats with Dor. quote:"I feel sick." Then, aware of her gentle hurt, he qualified it. "Not from your cooking, Millie. From the killing. Striking men with a weapon. Dumping them into the moat. One of them recognized me. I dumped him, too." In the morning, Dor comes down to eat. quote:Dor found Millie and the Zombie Master having breakfast together. They were chatting merrily, but stopped as he joined them. Millie blushed and turned her face away. And that's when a zombie comes in and tells the Zombie Master that the Mundanes will attack within half an hour. quote:This time the attack came on Jumper's side. The Mundanes had assembled a massive battering ram. Not a real ram; those animals did not seem to have evolved yet. A mock ram fashioned from a heavy trunk of ironwood, mounted on wheels. Dor heard the boom and shudder as it crashed over the bridge they laid down over the moat and collided with the old stone. He hoped the wall was holding, but could not go to see or help: his post was here, not to be deserted lest another ladder attack come without warning. The others had had the discipline to stay clear of his section, last time, for the same reason. This was a special kind of courage, this standing aloof and ignorant. (Pun Count: 103) Dor uses a fired arrow to ask what's going on. Jumper has things handled, and the arrow complains about bad archers. The attack ceases after a while, and a ladder shows up on Dor's side. A sneak attack!@ Dor knocks it over, feeling proud of himself. quote:Finally the zombie eye-spy announced that the Mundanes had withdrawn their main attack force, and Dor rejoined the others within. It was midday. They ate, then whiled away the long afternoon working on a jigsaw puzzle that Millie had discovered while cleaning the drawing room. (Pun count: 104) It turns out that they're making the tapestry of Castle Roogna. quote:The others looked up, except for Jumper, whose eyes were always looking up, down, and across, without moving. "What tapestry?" Millie inquired somewhat coldly. She was still sweetly angry with him for his rejection of her. Jumper points out that if they kill the Mundanes, they could be made into an army. However, they don't have the army needed to do it. Jumper does have an idea, however, though it's risky. He plans to take Dor out by night and find dragons and other monsters to recruit to fight the Mundanes. quote:"But we are people too," Millie said. Jumper angled his head to cock eyes of three different sizes at her. He was obviously not human. "Well, still--" she faltered. They plan to leave just after dark. Dor asks the Zombie Master if he really plans to go. He tells him that Millie is doomed to die young. quote:Maybe he had spoken too uninhibitedly "I would be deceiving you if I failed to warn you. She--maybe death is not the right word. But she will be a ghost for centuries. So you will not be able to--" Dor found himself overcome by remorse at what he could not prevent. "I think someone will murder her, or try to. At age seventeen." Dor and the Zombie Master return to the puzzle silently. He wonders how it's possible to make the tapestry while inside the tapestry, and if perhaps he really has come back in time somehow. Pun Count: 104 by the end of Chapter 7.
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Aug 5, 2013 00:30
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So the Zombie Master is totes Jonathan, right? Right?
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Aug 5, 2013 00:59
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Chapter 8 sees Dor and Jumper head out to the jungle. Millie could come, but they don't want to either take her out to the jungle or leave the Zombie Master alone. As for whether or not he's Jonathan, well, you've seen how Piers Anthony does foreshadowing. Dor decides they need to start with the lord of the jungle, who can command everyone else. They get directions from a stone to the local dragon king, who leaves in a small cave.quote:"And if you care to depart uncooked, you'd better not wake the monarch," the cave said. (Pun Count: 105) Dor calls into the cave, telling the dragon he has news. The dragon snorts at him, and the cave translates. quote:"What does he say?" Dor asked the cave. "He says that if you have news of interest, come into his parlor. Your life depends on the accuracy of your advance promotion." That's a reference, not a pun, really. Anyway, Dor decides he has to go in. Jumper offers, but Jumper can't speak dragon and Dor can get the cave to translate. Dor heads inside, ready to speak to the dragon, which turns out to be quite smart, especially for a dragon. quote:Dor emerged at last in the stomach of the cave. This was the dragon's lair. The light waxed and waned, here, as the monster breathed and the flames washed out of his mouth. In the waxing the whole cave glittered, for of course the nest was made of diamonds. Not paltry ones like those of the small flying dragon Crunch the ogre had cowed; huge ones, befitting the status of the lord of the jungle. They refracted the light, reflected it, focused it, and broke it up into rainbow splays. Colors cascaded across the walls and ceiling, and bathed the dragon itself in re-reflected hues. Crunch the ogre would never beard this monster in his den! (Pun Count: 106) quote:"You're beautiful!" Dor exclaimed. "I've never seen such splendor!" (Pun Count: 107) quote:"Uh, yes," he said. "Uh, have you anything to write with?" He had certainly come unprepared. (Pun Count: 110) Dor writes a note to Roogna and gives it to the hen, who vanishes in a puff of dust. quote:"I must admit this prospect pleases me," the dragon king remarked, idly stirring up a mound of diamonds with one glistening claw. "If it should fall through, I might recall how you disturbed my sleep. Don't count on your spider friend to draw you out; my flame would burn up his line instantly." Dor is worried, however, that this was too easy. Murphy's curse should be operating, after all. He asks the paper who sent it, but it claims a real king did. quote:The dragon considered. "Obviously you are not experienced with conspiracies and bureaucratic entanglements of the sort we encounter in the wilderness. Ask it which King." It turns out the Goblin King sent it. quote:"That idiotic bird!" the dragon exploded, almost singeing Dor with his fiery breath. "You sent it to the King, without specifying which King, and the Goblin King must have been closer. I should have realized the response came too fast!" The dragon king is now quite annoyed. This time, they send a diamond along, which Roogna will need to speak to and return. That, they feel, will be hard to fake. quote:"Terrific!" Dor exclaimed. "It is hard to imagine any goblin faking that message! You are a genius!" However, Roogna approves, and they head back. They have news to hear, as well. quote:Millie and the Zombie Master greeted them with joyed relief. "You must be the first to have our news," the Magician said. "Millie the maid has done me the honor of agreeing to become my wife." The Zombie Master is basically the happiest man ever, and while Millie is less happy, she's at least enjoying herself and not unhappy with the arrangement. quote:Millie seemed less elated, yet hardly upset. It was evident that she liked the Magician, and liked the life he offered her, and was being practical--yet there was the restraint born of Dor's presence, and of his rejection of her. They all understood the situation, except for a couple of elements. Millie did not know how soon she would perish; neither Dor nor the Zombie Master knew how she would die, for she had never spoken of that to Dor in his own world. Also, none of them were certain how the coming campaign would turn out; maybe the aid of the zombies would not be enough to bring victory to King Roogna. Yet overall, Dor felt this was the best contentment they could achieve with what they had. He tried not to look at Millie's delightful figure, because his body was too apt to respond. The Mundanes prepare a large siege wagon, but that's when the monsters arrive. quote:The lord of the jungle had really produced! He led the charge, galumphing from the deepest forest with a horrendous roar and a belch of flame that enveloped the wooden tower. Behind him came a griffin, a wyvern, a four-footed whale, several carnivorous rabbits, a pair of trolls, a thunderbird, a sliver cat, a hippogriff, a satyr, a winged horse, three hoopsnakes, a pantheon, a firedrake, a monoceros, a double-headed eagle, a cyclops, a flight of barnacle geese, a chimera, and a number of creatures of less ordinary aspect that Dor could not identify in the rush. This seemed to be the age of monsters; in Dor's own day, the dragons were more common and the others less so. Probably the fittest had survived the centuries better, and the dragons were the fittest of monsters, just as men were the fittest of humanoids and the tanglers were the fittest of predatory plants. Right now the Land of Xanth was still experimenting, producing many bizarre forms. (Pun Count: 111, I think.) The monsters perform well, though Dor worries that when he leaves, all will be undone. All he can do is hope that Murphy was wrong. The monsters tear into the men. quote:Meanwhile the other monsters were busy. The winged horse was rearing and stomping; the rabbits were gnawing into legs; the double-headed eagle was plucking eyeballs neatly from their sockets and swallowing them whole, the satyr was--Dor stared for a moment in amazement, then forced his gaze away. He had never imagined killing men that way. The more formidable monsters were laying about them with similar glee, reveling in an orgy of slaughter. For centuries they had restrained themselves from attacking men too freely, for men could be extremely ornery about vengeance. Now the monsters had license. Now, and perhaps never again. The Mundanes, however, are no slouches, either. They take out the barnacle geese and the rabbits and hurt a thunderbird and sliver cat. (Pun Count: 112, I think.) The Zombie Master decides their allies need assistance, as the tide is turning against them. quote:"Oh no you don't!" Millie protested protectively. "You'll get killed, and I haven't even married you yet." They send out the zombies in green sashes, who set to work assisting the monsters. The monsters rally, though they are tired and hungry now, and stop to eat the dead. At this point, some of the Mundanes realize that the green sashes are important and start putting them on. Dor and Jumper head out to deal with it. quote:No one paid attention to them. They passed the griffin, who was busy disemboweling a Mundane; the creature glanced up, saw the sashes, and returned to its business. Dor and Jumper proceeded unmolested to the nearest green-sashed Mundane. The man was laying about him with vigor, slashing at the chimera, who was backing off uncertainly. The monster didn't know whether it was legitimate to crunch this green-clad foe, however obnoxious the man became. Things seem to be going well, but Dor gets his sash ripped off. He kills the man who did it, but he's attacked by a hippogriff before he can get it back on. The Zombie Master sends Egor to save him, since Jumper is busy, but the land whale gets in the way. At this point the dragon king steps in, scooping Dor up and depositing him safely near the moat, then grabbing Jumper. He then decides to go kill a few sashed men, since he knows only Dor is actually on their side. The Mundanes are defeated. The Zombie Master wants to take them in and make zombies of the dead. quote:They organized it and got to work. Millie spotted the best corpses of man and animal, now so accustomed to the gore that she worked without even token screams. Dor carried the bodies to a staging area. Jumper attached lines and hauled the objects across the moat to the castle. They concentrated first on Mundanes. When a number of these had been animated, the new zombies took over the labor of transporting corpses, and the pace accelerated. Soon there was a backlog of bodies awaiting the Magician's attention. Egor has been turn to bits, but they gather up his pieces and restore him to unlife with elixir, though sans one hand, one foot and part of his face. Dor invites the dragon king to help fight the goblins and harpies at Castle Roogna, but he declines - he'd rather not fight other monsters. He does give Dor some advice, though: that siege will be much harder. Goblins are much tougher than men, he says. The Zombie Master, at least, has a new zombie army. quote:They ate a restive supper of poached jumping beans and bubblejuice, with the beans jumping into the juice at odd moments. Millie forced some on the Magician, who continued working. Most of the bodies were gone from the surrounding landscape now; the monsters had gorged themselves and staggered off to their lairs with toothy smiles and a final fusillade of belches. A zombie detail was burying the uneaten, unusable fragments. The night settled into morbid silence. (Pun Count: 113) And then everyone heads to sleep. Pun Count: 113 by the end of Chapter 8.
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Aug 5, 2013 17:49
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Does Anthony ever write a chapter where there is neither gross sexism, nor approximately 75% of the difficulty in the plot coming from his characters acting as a paragon of some randomly-chosen virtue?
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Aug 5, 2013 18:09
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There was that chapter earlier where Dor was flailing around and Jumper was being awesome. It didn't have any female characters in it, so no sexism!
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Aug 5, 2013 18:24
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So, uh, how exactly was the satyr killing the soldiers?
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Aug 5, 2013 20:37
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Zok_Smoth posted:So, uh, how exactly was the satyr killing the soldiers? Satyriasis. Canuck-Errant fucked around with this message at 20:47 on Aug 5, 2013 |
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Aug 5, 2013 20:44
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O
The satyr's magic talent was to turn people into Russell Brand? That's some dark magic, bro.
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Aug 5, 2013 21:24
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Chapter 9 opens with everyone setting out towards Roogna. They might have had the roc carry them, but they have to move the army, too, and besides, the harpies have scouts in the air, and even a roc can't handle the harpies en masse. Dor and Jumper scout ahead for a good zombie-passable route, using magic markers to mark it out. (Pun Count: 114)quote:One of the first things they ran afoul of was dog fennel. The plants had evidently been taking a canine nap, noses tucked under tails, but woke ugly when Dor blundered into them. First they barked; then, gathering courage, they started nipping. Angered, Dor laid about him with his sword, clearing a circle. Then he suffered regret as the creatures yiped and whined, for they really were no threat to him. Each dog grew on a stem, rooted in the turf, and could not move beyond its tether. Its teeth were too small to do much harm. (Pun Count: 115) quote:Jumper had jumped right out of the pooch-patch, unnipped. The dogs were whimpering now, cowed by the sight of their dead packmates. It was a sad sight. Dor strode out of the patch, bared blade held warningly before him, feeling low. Why did he always react first and think last? (Pun Count: 116) quote:"Yet an animal plant who bites strangers must suffer the consequence," Jumper cluttered consolingly. "I fell among aphids once, and their ant-guardians attacked me and I was forced to kill a number of them before the rest gave over. Had they any wit, they would have realized that my presence was accidental. I had been fleeing a deadly wasp. Spiders prefer consuming flies, not aphids. Aphids are too sickly sweet." (Pun Count: 117) Dor asks Jumper if, perhaps, they can stay in touch somehow when they return to the present. However, they are interrupted. quote:Dor broke off, for they had suddenly come upon the biggest fennel of them all. It was as massive as Dor himself, with a stem like a tree trunk, reaching its horned head down to graze in the nearby grass. (Pun Count: 118) They head onwards, finding...well. quote:There was a shapely young woman, brushing her hair, "Oh, pardon me," Dor said. She smiled. "You are a man!" (Pun Count: 119) quote:A facade covering absolute vacuity! A man who made love to such a creature-- They move on, and find a strange coronet lying in the middle of the path, on four twigs. Something wants them to touch it. Jumper pokes it with a stone on silk, and a snake bursts up, biting the stone, which is poisoned badly enough to fracture into sand. This is the hornworm. (Pun Count: 120) They lay a warning for Millie and the Zombie Master, then head on. quote:Then he recognized the vegetation. "Roats!" he exclaimed happily. "If there are any mature ones--" (Pun Count: 121) quote:"Nuts grow on trees?" the spider inquired dubiously. (Pun Count: 122) They head on, and find a river full of catfish (Pun Count: 123) hunted by sea dogs (Pun Count: 124). Dor makes himself pot-roats (Pun Count: 125). They then hunt for a way across the river. Jumper suggests a silk swing, but Dor thinks that'd be too much trouble. They need a bridge or ford. Jumper suggests diverting the river temporarily. quote:At the top of the hill, a cockfish crowed. "Oh, shut up," Dor told it. But it was alive, so did not obey him. (Pun Count: 125) quote:At the foot of the other side of the hill was an ore: a huge fat water monster with teeth overflowing its mouth. The water flowed over and around it; no point in trying to cross the stream here! The river flows uphill, so Dor thinks it may be caused by enchanted stone. He also wonders how water gets in the sky for rain, and theorizes rivers that flow into the sky. quote:"But if we moved the stone, the river would merely change channels, and then that ore would get dry and come looking for us. The only thing madder than a wet hen is a dry ore. We need to cross the river, not move it." (Pun Count: 126) Jumper experiments with the stones, finding the river can be made to arch. Eventually, they manage to create a short channel through that is dry, though Dor almost fucks it all up. They also find a seahog. (Pun Count: 127) Beyond, they a small mountain, and Dor wonders why there is snow on top, since clearly it must be hot up there due to proximity to the sun. quote:People were there, in the water and on the mountain and prancing between. Lovely nude women and delicately shaggy men. "I think we have happened on a colony of nymphs and fauns," Dor remarked. "They should be harmless but unreliable. Best to leave them alone. The problem is our best route passes right between mountain and lake--where the colony is thickest." (Pun Count: 128) quote:"Settle down," Dor cried. "I am a man, and this is my friend. We mean you no harm." Dor gets back to scouting, finding some odd trees with perpendicular, crosslike branches. He's not sure what they are. The fauns don't know, either, as they don't travel much. quote:Dor realized that the difference between him and these creatures was more than physical. Then--whole mutual attitude differed. To question the need for preparedness--why, that was childlike. (Pun Count: 129) quote:They put marshmallows--from a mallow bush in the marsh at one end of the lake--on sticks and toasted them in the flames. The lake nymphs and fauns brought out fresh sea cucumbers and genuine crabs for Jumper. Hot chocolate bubbled up from one side of the lake, making an excellent beverage. The tree creatures brought fruits and nuts, and the mountain creatures rolled a huge snowball down to make cold drinks. Dor did sample the mountain dew, and it was effervescent and tasty and heady. (Pun Count: 132) quote:The nymphs and fauns sat In a great circle around the fire, feasting on the assorted delicacies. Dor and Jumper joined them, relaxing and enjoying it. After they had stuffed, the fauns brought out their flutes and piped charmingly intricate melodies while the nymphs danced. The female bodies rippled and bounced phenomenally; Dor had never before seen anything like this! And that's when a goblin press gang shows off, seizing a faun. The nymphs and fauns flee, though they vastly outnumber the goblins. Dor prepares to fight, but Jumper stops him, since they don't know what's going on. The goblins capture five of the fauns for their army, and then decide to kill Jumper and take Dor. Jumper suggests diplomacy. Dor tries to get them to stop, but they just attack. Jumper and Dor fight them, with Dor wounding three while Jumper catches the leader. The others decide not to fight. That's when the harpies show up, seizing the five fauns, the wounded goblins and the captive leader. Dor tries to save the fauns, and he and Jumper manage to get two back, but the rest are gone. Dor doesn't care about the goblins, but wishes he could have saved the other three fauns. The nymphs and fauns return, but do not resume their party. In the morning, however, Dor finds that none of them remember either he or Jumper. They make friends again, and do not mention the raid. Everyone knows that monsters never come there. quote:For this was part of the secret of eternal youth: the fauns and nymphs could not afford to be burdened by the harsh realities of prior experience. They were forever young, and necessarily innocent. Experience aged people. As it was aging Dor. Dor decides that at least goblins won't have much luck recruiting...though the harpies were raiding for food. They realize they'd have been caught in the spell if they'd stayed too much longer, so they move on. Jumper notes the strange plants from earlier and finds them disturbing. Dor contemplates how much he finds Jumper helpful. quote:Even more important was the maturity of perspective brought by the big arachnid. Dor was learning constantly from that. The juveniles of any species tended to be happy but careless, like the fauns and nymphs; it was easy to contemplate being locked into such innocence indefinitely. But the longer prospects showed this to be a nightmare. Dor was, as it were, emerging from faun stage to Jumper stage. He finds something odd about the plants, odd and disturbing, but can't place it. That's when he notices that the plants focus in on him when he makes sound - some kind of antennae. Then he finds an odd mound. He casts about for a branch to poke it. Nothing happens. Jumper shows up - and Dor gets intensely paranoid about him. He offers to help, and Dor threatens him. Dor then attacks. Jumper lands on the mound, , and he suddenly becomes violent and belligerent, too. They fight for a time, with Jumper beating him and entangling him. quote:Dor screamed and kicked his bound feet and flung his head about as uselessly as Millie ever had. How had he come to this? Yet even in this moment of annihilation he retained some human perspective. "Why did you ever pretend to be my friend?" he demanded. Dor doesn't want to listen, but Jumper talks him down. Jumper decides the antennae were observers...and they decided the two had stayed too long, so they set them against each other. They reason that the spell must have reversed their emotions, so their intense anger means they were amazing friends. The hate starts to dissipiate. The only reason, Jumper explains, that he didn't kill Dor immediately was that spiders prefer only to kill when they are hungry, and to store prey alive after. Also, he doesn't like human taste. So, therefore, it was not logical to kill Dor, and Jumper likes logic. They talk about age, and it turns out that Jumper's only six months old...and will be dead in another three. They get back to laying the path, and Dor feels very bad about Jumper's impending death by old age. Pun Count: 132 by the end of Chapter 9. Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 22:18 on Aug 5, 2013 |
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Aug 5, 2013 21:54
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Oh god. Of course the race of ultra sexed-up nymphomaniacs are all mentally children forever. Dammit, Anthony.
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Aug 5, 2013 22:52
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Bink and Dor appear to have no major differences in characterization, despite the fact that one is 12 and one is 25. I think this lends credence to the theory that the editor forced Anthony to move Bink up in age.
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Aug 5, 2013 23:24
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Tezzor posted:Bink and Dor appear to have no major differences in characterization, despite the fact that one is 12 and one is 25. I think this lends credence to the theory that the editor forced Anthony to move Bink up in age. And now Dor is a boy stuffed into the body of a man. I think I didn't get more than one or two books past this when I read them as a teen because all the puns got to me, I can't WAIT to see when he just has little kids be the protagonists! 
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Aug 5, 2013 23:43
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Man, Jumper is pretty great.Mors Rattus posted:
This is actually kind of cute. Pity about everything else in the book & series, of course. Mors Rattus posted:I really have no idea how Piers Anthony thinks hair works. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZy8H6pjFl4
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Aug 6, 2013 00:50
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Chapter 10 has Dor and Jumper arrive at Castle Roogna, with the zombies hopefully a day behind. There are no other troops to defend, however, since Roogna decided not to summon them through monster territory. He also let his dragons go to defend their homes. So he's going to have to send a fish as a messenger.quote:The King led the way to the royal fishpond, while Dor's prior qualm grew into a full-fledged funk. No troops, no dragons--and now the King planned to depend on fish? (Pun Count: 133) quote:The fish turned blue; Ice formed on the water. "Oops--I made it into a coldfish," Roogna said. "That's no help." He concentrated again. The fish became a fiery red, and the water boiled with the thrashing of the creature's tail. "No, that's a boldfish. I am having a difficult time!" (Pun Count: 135) quote:Dor merely watched. The King was performing significant magic, his misses more potent than any lesser person's wildest successes. (Pun Count: 136) The fish swims off through the dirt. Then they head for the aviary, where Roogna finds a round dove. (Pun Count: 137) quote:Suddenly a great ugly strap appeared, constricting the dove's body. "No, no!" the King said, annoyed. "Must Murphy's law foul me up even on minor details? Not a bound dove. I want a ground dove!" And the bird turned the color of the groundfish. "There! Now you wait here until I have a message to send; then you fly through the ground and deliver it." (Pun Count: 139) Roogna offers Dor and Jumper posiotions working for him, but they have to go home soon. The ocming siege, he mentions, will be worse than anything Dor has faced. Dor decides that he has a few days and will help with the siege. He'll be in charge of the north ramparts. quote:"Excellent! I shall put you in charge of the north ramparts. You will have to keep strong rein on the centaurs there, but they'll mind you if they respect you. They must be kept working on the wall as long as possible; every stone laid in place augments our security." (Pun Count: 140) quote:"Oh, I'm not a leader!" Dor protested. "I'm only--" (Pun Count: 141) Roogna explains that he has good secondhand information. quote:"One day you will understand, Dor," Roogna said. "It is evident that your land is grooming you for the office, and in this way I can to a certain extent repay you for your services to me. You should make a creditable king, with proper experience." The groundfish returns, telling him that the Zombie Master is trapped by goblins beyond the antenna grove. Something has clearly gone wrong. Roogna concludes that the antenna forest has set the goblins against the zombies to get rid of them. Dor decides to lead some harpies to the goblins there, to allow the zombies to escape. He's going to lure them in by shooting rocks that he gets talking. Dor heads to the north wall...but one of the centaurs there is the one that hated Jumper and seems ready to fight him. He pulls the centaur aside, after having to threaten him with the sword, and learns that he is Cedric Centaur, and his real problem is impotence, thanks to Cedric's harness. quote:This was a thing Dor did not properly understand--and he needed to in this case. "What is impotent?" Cedric gets the other centaurs to work for Dor. They get the catapult ready, then fire off a rock which Dor has gotten to say 'Harpies are birdbrained stinkers' over and over. They keep firing rocks to get the harpies to follow them and attack the goblins. That'd be when someone new shows up. quote:"Magician," a dulcet voice said behind Dor. He turned to find a mature woman standing on the ramparts. "I am neo-Sorceress Vadne, come to assist the defense of this wall. How may I be of service?" Vadne has topology magic - she can change living things into other shapes without changing their nature. quote:Dor thought of King Trent, who could change a man into a wolf--a wolf who could do everything a real wolf could, and who would produce wolf offspring. That was a superior talent, much greater than this mere shape-changing. "I guess you're right. You're not a Sorceress." For some reason he didn't know, there were no female Magicians, only Sorceresses. "Still, it sounds like good magic." She has to touch what she transforms, though. They plan to change goblins into rocks for catapult shot as they come over the wall. Dor will make the stone talk to distract foes. Jumper, meanwhile, is handling defense of the east wall. Roogna summons them all for a meeting. A goblin emissary has arrived, telling them they have an hour to clear out and give over the castle as a camp. They try to offer other places to camp, but the goblins refuse and storm off. Then a harpy arrives, threatening them and then saying they'll be taking the castle for their own use. They refuse again, and the harpy storms off. They're going to have to fight both sides. The Zombie Master is coming, but he has been slowed. Murphy says that once the battle starts, he will loosen his curse to lower the amount of bloodshed. quote:"A game where my friend was tortured by Mundanes, and my life threatened, and the two of us were pitted against each other," Dor said, his anger bursting loose. "And Millie must marry the Zombie Master to--" He cut himself off, chagrined. Dor explains that he's using a borrowed body. He doesn't, however, know the outcome of the wager. He just thought he did. They decide to continue the fight and not let Murphy win. The goblin army arrives, with allies of all kinds - gnomes, trolls, elves, ghouls, dwarves and so on. The harpies arrive, with all kinds of creatures of the air helping them. (Including vampires, for some reason.) Dor begins to realize how problematic this will be. Dor uses a boomerang to watch for the zombies, but it doesn't see any of them. Dor gets the centaurs' arrows insulting everyone nearby, and the centaurs use them to start fights among the enemy ranks, getting the vampires to fight each other. quote:Could it be done, at this late date? Suppose the goblin females could be convinced to appreciate the best of the males, instead of the worst? And the harpies--if they had males of their own species again? All it would take was some sort of mass enchantment for the goblins, and the generation of at least one original harpy male from the union of a human with a vulture. There was a love spring north of the Gap-- The goblins charge, surrounding the castle. Dor gets the vampires scared off, allowing him to focus on the goblins. The centaurs hurl cherry bombs and pineapples (Pun Count: 142) but they goblins keep coming, even as the moat monsters devour them. The goblins aren't bothering with siege weapons or bridges - they just keep coming until their corpses fill the moat and they can walk across. They then start to climb over each other to climb the wall, forming layers of crushed goblin. Eventually, they make it halfway up the wall, blotting out the moat. Dor has no idea why they keep killing themselves this way. Meanwhile, the harpy forces are reorganizing, and the harpies are coming themselves. They're too smart to be fooled like the vampires were. They will attack the moment the goblins overflow the wall. Vadne has a plan for the goblins, however. She changes the first to reach the top into a ball, which rolls down the slope. She keeps doing that for a bit, but she can't hold the wall alone. Dor allows the harpies and vampires to swarm in, attacking the goblins. Still, that widens the corpse path, and soon Vadne's ball strategy won't work. She can't make them smaller, as their mass remains the same. quote:Too bad. King Trent could have stopped it, by changing them into gnats, so small they would never mound up over the wall. Or he would have changed a centaur into a salamander, and used it to set the bodies on fire, reducing them quickly to ashes. Vadne really was less than a Magician. Not that Dor was doing any better; he had helped hold them off for a while, but could not stop them now. But Dor gets the bright idea to make them into blocks, which they can use to crudely strengthen the wall. quote:"Now there's what I call a good goblin," Cedric exclaimed. "A blockhead!" (Pun Count: 143) Dor sends a message to Roogna to tell him that they only have five minutes or so before they're overwhelmed. If only the Zombie Master had arrived in time! It seems that this wall has it worst - the others are only half as bad. Roogna has emergency magic prepared, but it's dangerous. He gives Dor some concentrated dragon digestive acid, which will devour anything. The wind won't blow it back against them, though, unless the curse can make it shift in time. The goblins it touches melt into goo, dissolving them and any harpies that are touching them. But then the wind starts changing, and they need to blow the gases away. Vadne turns goblins into fans, and the centaurs start forcing the smoke away. Dor uses his talent to get it to tell where it's going, and the smoke doesn't manage to get anyone. The goblin masses are melted, but they're out of dragon digestive juice now. quote:"Nothing readily adaptable, I regret. There is a pied-piper flute I fashioned experimentally from a flute tree: it plays itself when blown, and creatures will follow it indefinitely. But we don't need to lead the goblins or harpies here; we want to drive them away. There is also a magic ring: anything passing through it disappears forever. But it is only two inches in diameter, so only small objects can be passed. And there is a major forget spell." (Pun Count: 144) Dor suggests reversing the flute's magic, but the curse would foul it up and it wouldn't be selective. They give the ring to Vadne to stretch out to a hoop, which she manages to do with the hardest of her effort - she's not good at objects. They can shove goblins through it. As for the forget spell, it's powerful enough that if detonated at the castle, everyone would forget everything there. Murphy would win, even if he'd forget himself. Dor swears he'll find a way to win this. Pun Count: 144 by the end of Chapter 10.
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Aug 6, 2013 13:14
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We're nearing the end. Chapter 11! The zombies begin approaching, but they have to figure out how to get ehm into the castle. Dor has an idea. He needs Cedric's help, though. He's going to take the flute and lure the monsters away from the zombies to somewhere they can detonate the forget spell. That will keep the monsters from coming back in time to interfere. He needs Cedric to use the magic hoop to catch any airborne attackers while outrunning ground ones. This is very risky, but Dor thinks it must be done. Murphy tries to stop him, but he won't listen. Vadne volunteers to guide the zombies in. Jumper will guard Dor's flank. The centaur archers clear a path, though Murphy's curse nearly gets them bombed. Dor begins to play the flute, pulling off a good chunk of the army. Cedric protects him as the harpies dive, while Jumper keeps the monsters off of Cedric as he heads through the army. They reach the Zombies, and Dor warns them to block their ears off and then head inside with Vadne, who is turning goblins into pancakes. Dor begins to play again, and Cedric heads off towards the Gap. He plans to detonate the spell on the brink of the gap, allowing the harpies to fly over and get lost while the goblins can't follow, preventing further fighting. quote:"Commendable compassion," Jumper chittered. "But in order to gather a large number here, to obtain maximum effect from the spell, you must remain to play the flute for some time. How will we escape?" Jumper suggests ballooning, but Dor refuses. Jumper suggests hiding in the Gap, but that still doesn't seem like a great plan. Still, it's the best they have. He sends Cedric away, since he's too heavy for spider silk. Still, he can't exactly go back through the army to the castle. quote:"Go to Celeste," Dor suggested. "Your job is honorably finished, here, and she'll be glad to see you." (Pun count: 145) quote:"And don't say anything to insult the harpies," Dor told the spell. Jumper heads off with Dor to flee the spell. Dor continues to play the flute intermittently, so that the goblins keep massing and don't all fall in the chasm. He can still hear the spell counting, which means they have to get further away. quote:"One hundred five, one hundred six, pick up a hundred sticks!" the spell was chanting. "One hundred seven, one hundred eight, lay all hundred straight!" Now there was a simple mind! Dor wonders if the chasm will channel the spell, and how far it will hit. He figures if he can hear it still, he's too close. Dor takes the hoop back so Jumper can move faster. He wonders what's on the other side, but finds that it's not a raging inferno by poking his finger through. The goblins and harpies turn out to be chasing them, and while they're probably clear of the spell, that means the armies are, too. Still, at least they distracted them. That's when Jumper hears something. quote:Then he heard it. "Nine hundred eighty-three, nine hundred eighty-four, close to the hundredth door; nine hundred eighty-five--" I'm not sure why this should be the case, but whatever. Jumper attaches lines to himself and Dor, then they head through the hoop just as the spell is about to detonate. Inside, they find...well, a strange thing. quote:He arrived in darkness. It was pleasant, neutral. His body seemed to be suspended without feeling. There was a timelessness about him, a perpetual security. All he had to do was sleep. And the Brain Coral releases them. The forget spell seems to have worked, though it has caused some goblins to wander into the Gap and die. Jumper tells him that it couldn't have been prevented, though Dor is still bothered by the slaughter. They head out of the Gap, finding a fragment of the forget spell globe, and head back towards Castle Roogna. No problems htere - though the enemy armies are now only about a third as large, and the zombies are on the walls. Dor fights his way back in, and the Zombie Master has been hard at work, raising zombies to fight ever since. quote:Millie was there, wan and disheveled, but she looked up with a smile when Dor entered. "Oh, you're safe, Dor! I was so worried!" Dor wants to find some way to end the battle, and realizes that he actually does have an answer to it. He heads back to talk to the Brain Coral. quote:"Have you a male harpy in storage?" Roogna orders a ceasefire so they don't accidentally kill the prince, releasing him to the harpies. The harpies fly off. quote:Then a lone female harpy winged back from the flock. A centaur whistled. "Helen!" Dor cried, recognizing her. The counterspell turns out to be the original, which just has to be burned to deactivate it. They do so, though nothing changes immediately. quote:The King cooked the goblin spell according to the directive, but no change in the goblin horde was apparent. Yet he was not dismayed. "The original spell was subtle," he explained. "It caused the goblin females to be negatively selective. The damage has been done to the goblins over the course of many generations. It will take many more generations to reverse. The females are not here on the battlefield, so the males do not even know of the change yet. So we do not see its effect immediately, or benefit from it ourselves, but still the job is worth doing. We are not trying merely to preserve Castle Roogna; we are building a better Land of Xanth." He waved a hand cheerfully. "Evening is upon us; we must go to our repast and sleep, while the zombies keep watch. I believe victory is at last coming into sight." The next day, Roogna asks Murphy if he'll give up. Murphy wants to wait out one last wrinkle, however. They get a magic mirror out to find out if Dor's work will be invalidated, since Murphy wants to find out. However, he suspects Dor's work is valid, since the curse opposed him rather than helped him. quote:"But how can I change my own--" Dor glanced at Vadne, then shrugged. He could not remember whether she knew about him now or did not. What did it matter, so long as Millie remained innocent? "My own past?" (Pun Count: 146) quote:"Could be," Dor agreed. He glanced about. The others seemed interested in the discussion, except for Vadne, who was withdrawn. Something about that bothered him, but he couldn't place it. (Pun Count: 147) quote:The Zombie Master came in. Vadne perked up. "Come sit by me," she invited. They try to use the mirror to find Millie, but Dor accidentally breaks it with his chair. It is Murphy's curse, though none of them, even Murphy, knows why. quote:Magician Murphy spread his hands. "I do not know, sir. I assure you I have no onus against your fiancée. She strikes me as a most appealing young woman." They begin a hunt for Millie, asking all kinds of scenery where she went. She didn't leave the front gate, nor go through the magic hoop. She wasn't lured by the flute. quote:They crossed the Castle again, but gained nothing on their original information: Millie had left the Zombie Master in the evening, going toward her room--and never gotten there. Nothing untoward had been seen by anyone or anything. (Pun Count: 149) They start checking on everyone. The centaurs were on the walls, Dor and Jumper and Roogna were asleep. The Zombie Master took a poo poo and then slept. Murphy took a poo poo and then slept. Vadne took a poo poo before Millie was dismissed, then helped the Zombie Master, then slept. quote:"What occurs in the female room?" Jumper inquired. Inside, however, they do not find Millie. However... quote:Dor questioned. Millie had come in, approached a basin, looked at her pretty but tired face in a mundane mirror--and Vadne had entered the room. Vadne had doused the Magic Lantern. In the darkness Millie had screamed with surprise and dismay, and there had been a swish as of hair flinging about, and a tattoo on the floor as of feet kicking. That was all. Vadne moves for the door, but Jumper catches her. quote:"So you were the one!" the Zombie Master cried. His gaunt face was twisted with incredulous rage, his eyes gleaming whitely from their sockets. Vadne threatens to return it to original size, but Roogna says he'd force her through it anyway. She goes through. Roogna promises to hunt for Millie, but they all know it could be lifetimes before she's found. The Zombie Master says they won't meet again...but that the zombies aren't going. Dor fears that he will attack. quote:"I did not buy Millie with my aid, I did not bargain for her hand!" the Zombie Master cried. "I came here because I realized it would please her, and I would not wish to displease her even in death by changing that. My zombies will remain here as long as they are needed, to see Castle Roogna through this crisis and any others that arise. They are yours for eternity, if you want them." They find a book stuck in a dumbwaiter, and Dor looks at it, then puts it on a shelf. In the afternoon, they find the Zombie Master's body. quote:In the afternoon they found the Zombie Master hanging from a rafter. He had committed suicide. Somehow Dor had known--or should have known--that it could come to this. The man's love had been too sudden, his loss too unfair. The Zombie Master had known Millie would die, known what he would do. This was what he had meant when he told the King they would not meet again. Dor and Jumper prepare to depart after Jumper gives Roogna the tapestry-puzzle and Dor gives him the potion, to seal into the tapestry until he can claim it with the words 'Savior of Xanth.' quote:That was it. Dor was no more adept at partings than at greetings. They walked away from the Castle, across the deserted, blasted battlefield--and into a vicious patch of saw grass at the edge. Jumper, more alert than Dor, drew him back from the swipe of the nearest saw just barely in time. (Pun Count: 150) They prepare to leave the tapestry-world, but Dor is overcome with grief at losing Jumper. Jumper plans to live out the rest of his days on the tapestry, and to tell his offspring about the adventure and about Dor. He is glad to have met Dor, and to have learned that humans are intelligent and feeling as well as spiders. Pun Count: 150 by the end of Chapter 11.
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Aug 6, 2013 17:31
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A female character with a talent that's not all about beauty! Two, counting Irene earlier. Of course, they're both almost immediately compared unfavorably to guys with the closest comparative talent. It's only been those two who get that treatment. You didn't get anyone going, "Oh, Crombie's sorta okay but he can't compare to the immense knowledge of Humphery" "Grundy can talk to living things but Dor's obviously so much better because there's way more inanimate objects out there". And for that matter, does any female character have any ambition that isn't just "find a man"? I mean, aside from Jewel but she got brainwashed out of that right quick. Vadne's pretty awesome, and yet all she seems to want is to attach herself to a powerful magician via marriage. Same for Iris way back in book one. Millie? Started off mooning over Dor, and the instant he rejected her (because she already ~belonged~ to someone else), she attached herself to the Zombie Master as a consolation prize. I can't believe I read this whole loving series and missed so many of the skeezy gender politics in it. Edit: And then when I was typing this up, Vadne committed a gruesome crime on account of falling in love with an old man because he complimented her. Alopex fucked around with this message at 22:19 on Aug 6, 2013 |
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Aug 6, 2013 17:34
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