Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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The Xanth novels are a series that outpaces things like Wheel of Time for length - not of each book, but as a whole. There are like thirty of these motherfucking novels. And every one of them is creepy and bad. Now, you may be like me - you remember reading these things as a teenager and thinking they were pretty okay. Stupid fantasy bullshit in Florida, sure, but potentially not terrible.

I was stupid as a teenager. So were you. And I'm going to prove it.

Piers Anthony is a creepy, creepy motherfucker. But don't take my word for it - we're going to be going through his books. We're going to find out firsthand how stupid we all were as teenagers. Because I am going to read these books again. For you.

God help me.

As a note for those who want to read along...well, don't buy these books. You really shouldn't. They are bad. Your library probably has copies, because they do not know how bad these books are. They just know that teens read them. If you really must read along, go check your local library, because seriously don't pay for these loving books.

A Spell For Chameleon starts here. (Pun Count: 18)
The Source of Magic starts here. (Pun Count: 115)
Castle Roogna starts here. (Pun Count: 156)
Centaur Aisle starts here. (Pun Count: 235)
Ogre, Ogre starts here. (Pun Count: 237)
Night Mare starts here. (Pun Count: 134)
Dragon on a Pedestal starts here. (Pun Count: 296)
Crewel Lye: A Caustic Yarn starts here. (Pun Count: 162)
Golem in the Gears starts here. (Pun Count: 123)
Vale of the Vole starts here. (Pun Count: 118)
Heaven Cent starts here, (Pun Count: 121)
Man From Mundania starts here. (Pun Count: 162)
Isle of View starts here. (Pun Count: 215)
Question Quest starts here. (Pun Count: 259)
The Color of Her Panties starts here. (Pun Count: 363)
Demons Don't Dream starts here. (Pun Count: 353)
Harpy Thyme starts here. (Pun Count: 335)
Geis of the Gargoyle starts here. (Pun Count: 240)
Roc and a Hard Place starts here. (Pun Count: 601)
Yon Ill Wind starts here. (Pun Count: 261)
Faun and Games starts here. (Pun Count: 269)
Zombie Lover starts here. (Pun Count: 303)
Xone of Contention starts here. (Pun Count: 290)

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 20:34 on May 14, 2014

# ? Jul 18, 2013 22:35

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 23:31

MollyMetroid: Jan 20, 2004; Trout Clan Daimyo

No, Mors Rattus! It's not worth it! Choose life!

# ? Jul 18, 2013 22:40

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Young me bought the occasional Piers Anthony novel for the sexy-ish (very -ish) covers, probably because young me was still waiting for the World Wide Web. I read the text because they were books, but... sweet Jesus. I got in just as the focus shifted to the awkwardly sexy adventures of Prince Dolph, who was roughly ten when he became the star of the show. :gonk:

# ? Jul 18, 2013 23:10

theironjef: Aug 11, 2009; The archmage of unexpected stinks.

Two things:

1. lovely old tween books aren't games, but I will follow this thread wherever it gets dumped.
2. It's called Xanth because of Pier(Xanth)ony. Just wanted to say that first.

# ? Jul 18, 2013 23:19

Cosmic Afro: May 23, 2011

After checking the titles in French, I can say that I have never read any of theses books in my entire life. I am, thus, unspoiled and ripe for first-time reading horror reactions.

They're really that bad?

# ? Jul 18, 2013 23:28

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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2014-2018

theironjef posted:

Two things:

1. lovely old tween books aren't games, but I will follow this thread wherever it gets dumped.
2. It's called Xanth because of Pier(Xanth)ony. Just wanted to say that first.

I've gotten permission from Winson for this.

We start off with our hero, Bink, in Chapter 1.

quote:

A small lizard perched on a brown stone. Feeling threatened by the approach of human beings along the path, it metamorphosed into a stingray beetle, then into a stench-puffer, then into a fiery salamander.

Bink smiled. These conversions weren't real. It had assumed the forms of obnoxious little monsters, but not their essence. It could not sting, stink, or burn. It was a chameleon, using its magic to mimic creatures of genuine threat.�

Yet as it shifted into the form of a basilisk it glared at him with such ferocity that Bink's mirth abated. If its malice could strike him, he would be horribly dead.
�
Then abruptly a silent moth hawk swooped down from the sky and caught the chameleon in its beak. There was a thin scream of anguish as the lizard convulsed; then it dangled limply as the hawk ascended. The chameleon, despite all its pretensions, was dead. Even while trying to threaten Bink it had been destroyed by another agency.

This retaliation continued to percolate through Bink's emotion. The chameleon was harmless - but most of untamed Xanth was not. Was this some twisted omen, a small suggestion of a dire fate awaiting him? Omens were serious business; they always came true, but usually were misinterpreted until too late. Was Bink fated to die brutally---or was some enemy of his?

He had, so far as he knew, no enemies.

Apparently, Bink is prone to introspection over literally anything. Bink is not alone, of course.

quote:

Bink looked at the girl beside him as she stepped through a slanting sunbeam. He was no plant, but he too had needs, and oven the most casual inspection of her made him aware of this. Sabrina was absolutely beautiful---and her beauty was completely natural. Other girls managed to enhance their appearance by cosmetics or padding or specialized spells, but beside Sabrina all other females looked somewhat artificial. She was no enemy!

I have no idea what Sabrina actually looks like, mind you. Just that she is apparently super hot. Also: page 2, first mention of Bink's "needs." Bink wonders about why magic seems to be all over and why it cares what people do.

quote:

Animate spells he could understand, such as those of the unfortunate chameleon; they facilitated comfort, survival, or image for living creatures. But why should inanimate things have magic? Did a lake care who swam in it? Well, maybe so; a lake was an ecological unit, and the community of living things within it might have a mutual interest in promoting it. Or a freshwater dragon might be responsible, luring in prey. Dragons were the most varied and dangerous life forms of Xanth; species occupied air, earth, and water, and a number breathed fire. One thing they all had in common: good appetite. Pure chance might not bring in enough fresh meat.
�
But what about Lookout Rock? It was bare, without even lichen, and hardly beautiful. Why should it want company? And if it did, why not make itself more handsome, instead of remaining gray and drab? People did not come here to admire the rock, but to admire the rest of Xanth. Such a spell seemed self-defeating.
�
Then Bink stubbed his toe on a sharp fragment of stone. He was standing on a cracked-rock terrace, formed generations ago by the breaking up of a pretty-colored boulder and--

There it was! That other boulder, which must have been close to Lookout Rock and of similar size, had been fragmented to make this path and terrace, losing its identity. Lookout Rock had survived. Nobody would break it up, because it would make an ugly path, and its unselfish magic made it useful as it stood. One minor mystery solved.
�
Still, there were philosophical considerations, his insatiable mind insisted. How could an inanimate thing think or have feelings? What was survival to a rock? A boulder was merely the fragment of a prior layer of rock; why should it have a personal identity if the bedrock didn't? Still, the same question could be asked of a man: he had been formed from the tissues of the plants and animals he consumed, yet he had a separate--.

At which point Bink's girlfriend interrupts his introspection. (At least, I think she is his girlfriend. He wants her to marry him, though he won't say so because he might be exiled soon. Instead, he is going to say something much stupider.)

quote:

Why hadn't he thought of that before bringing her out here? He could only embarrass himself. Now he had to say something to her, or suffer further embarrassment, making it awkward for her as well "I just wanted to see your - your"
�
"See my what?" she inquired with an arch lift of eyebrow.
He felt the heat starting up his neck. "Your holograph,'' he blurted. There was much more of her he longed to see, and to touch, but that could come only after marriage. She was that sort of girl, and it was part of her appeal. The girls who had it didn't need to put it on casual display.
�
Well, not quite true. He thought of Aurora, who certainly had it, yet who--

At which point his girlfriend provides him with the impetus for the next part of the book: go see Good Magician Humfrey, who will reveal his magic talent. We then learn that Bink accidentally chopped off his left middle finger as a kid, and that the Good Magician charges a year of service in return for the answer to any question. Apparently, if Bink does not discover what his innate magic power is, he will be exiled for not having one. Everyone has one, it seems, though most are not very useful. Sabrina's is the power to make images while she concentrates. They are interrupted by the teenage Numbo, who gives Sabrina a magical burst of fiery pain in her butt, and his friend Chilk, who can make invisible walls.

After this small interruption, the two go visit Justin Tree.

quote:

Bink glanced across at the unique tree she indicated. There were many kinds of trees in Xanth, a number of them vital to the economy. Beerbarrel trees were tapped for drink, and oilbarrel trees for fuel, and Bink's own footwear came from a mature shoe tree east of the village. But Justin Tree was something special, a species never sprouted from seed. Its leaves were shaped like flat hands, and its trunk was the hue of tanned human flesh. This was scarcely surprising, since it had once been human.

In an instant that history flashed across Bink's mind--part of the dynamic folklore of Xanth. Twenty years ago there had been one of the greatest of the Evil Magicians: a young man named Trent. He had possessed the power of transformation--the ability to change any living thing into any other living thing, instantly. Not satisfied with his status of Magician, granted in recognition of the awesome strength of his magic, Trent had sought to use his power to preempt the throne of Xanth. His procedure had been simple and most direct: he transformed anyone who opposed him into something that could not oppose him. The worst threats he converted to fish---on dry land, allowing them to flop until they died. The mere nuisances he changed to animals or plants. Thus several intelligent animals owed their status to him; though they were dragons, two-headed wolves, and land-octopi, they retained the intelligence and perspective of their human origins.�

Trent was gone now--but his works remained, for there was no other transformer to change them back. Holographs, hotseats, and invisible wails were qualifying talents, but transformation was of a different order. Only once in a generation did such power manifest in an individual, and it seldom manifested twice in the same form. Justin had been one of Magician Trent's annoyances--no one remembered exactly what he had done--so Justin was a tree. No one had the ability to change him back into a man.
�
Justin's own talent had been voice projection--not the parlor trick that was ventriloquism, or the trivial talent of insane laughter, but genuine comprehensible utterance at a distance without the use of vocal cords. He retained this talent as a tree, and as he had a great deal of time for thought, villagers often came to this tree for advice. Often it was good advice. Justin was no genius, but a tree had greater objectivity about human problems.

It occurred to Bink that Justin might actually be better off as a tree than he had been as a man. He liked people, but it was said that in his human form he had not been handsome. As a tree he was quite stately, and no threat to anyone.

Justin warns Bink that people are waiting to ambush him, and the "ruffians" threaten to chop him down. Apparently they have an axe and have been eating "loco-berries", whatever those are. They want to fetch the King, but there is no time, and Bink charges the ruffians as they start to chop down Justin. It turns out the ruffians were Jama (who can conjure swords), Zink (who can make illusionary holes) and Potipher (who can create poison gas clouds). They are perennial troublemakers. Bink was once saved from them by his father, Roland, who can freeze people in place with a glare. Night falls, and Bink reminesces about, well...oats.

quote:

Bink passed a field of sea oats, hearing the pleasant swish and gurgle of their oceanic tides. When harvested, they made excellent foamy broth, except that it tended to be rather salty. The bowls could only be filled half-way; otherwise the broth's continuing sea waves slopped over.
�
He remembered the wild oats he had planted as an adolescent. Sea oats were restless, but their cousins the wild oats were hyperactive. They had fought him savagely, their stems slashing across his wrists as he tried to harvest a ripe ear. He had gotten it, but had been uncomfortably scratched and abraded before getting clear of the patch.

He had planted those few wild seeds in a secret plot behind his house, and watered them every day, the natural way. He had guarded the bad-tempered shoots from all harm, his anticipation growing. What an adventure for a teenaged male! Until his mother, Bianca had discovered the plot. Alas, she had recognized the species instantly.

There had been a prompt family hassle. "How could you?" Bianca demanded, her face flaming. But Roland had labored to suppress his admiring smile. "Sowing wild oats!" he murmured. "The lad's growing up."
�
"Now, Roland, you know that--"
�
"Dear, it isn't as if there's any real harm in it."
�
"No harm!" she exclaimed indignantly.
�
"It is a perfectly natural urge for a young man--" But her furious expression had halted Bink's father, who feared nothing in Xanth but was normally a peaceable man. Roland sighed and turned to Bink. "I gather you do know what you were doing, son?"
�
Bink felt excruciatingly defensive. "Well-yes. The nymph of the oats--"

To explain...

quote:

Roland turned to Bink, shaking his head in a gesture that was only nominally negative. Roland was a powerful, handsome man, and he had a special way with gestures. "Genuine wild oats, culled thrashing from the stem, sown by the full moon, watered with your own urine?" he inquired frankly, and Bink nodded, his face at half heat. "So that when the plants mature, and the oat nymph manifests, she will be bound to you, the fertilizer figure?"
�
Bink nodded grimly.

"Son, believe me, I comprehend the attraction; I sowed wild oats myself when I was your age. Got me a nymph, too, with flowing green hair and a body like the great outdoors--but I had forgotten about the special watering, and so she escaped me. I never saw anything so lovely in my life--except your mother, of course."
�
Roland had sown wild oats? Bink had never imagined such a thing. He remained silent, afraid of what was coming.
�
"I made the mistake of confessing about the oats to Bianca," Roland continued. "I fear she became somewhat sensitized on the subject, and you caught the brunt. These things happen."
�
So his mother was jealous of something that had happened in his father's life before he married her. What a pitful of concepts Bink had stumbled into, unwittingly.
�
Roland's face became serious, "To a young man, inexperienced, the notion of a lovely, nude, captive nymph may be phenomenally tempting," he continued. "All the physical attributes of a real woman, and none of the mental ones. But, son, this is a juvenile dream; like finding a candy tree. The reality really would not be all you anticipated. One quickly becomes surfeited, tired of unlimited candy, and so it also is with--with a mindless female body. A man can not love a nymph. She might as well be air. His ardor rapidly turns to boredom, and to disgust."

Still Bink dared not comment. He would not have become bored, he was sure.
�
Roland understood him, too well. "Son, what you need is a real live girl," he concluded. "A figure with a personality, who will talk back to you. It is far more challenging to develop a relationship with a complete woman, and often extremely frustrating." He glanced meaningfully at the door through which Bianca had departed. '"But in the long run it is also far more rewarding. What you sought in the wild oats was a shortcut - but in life there are no shortcuts." He smiled. "Though if it had been up to me, I'd have let you try the shortcut. No harm in it; no harm at all. But your mother--well, we have a conservative culture here, and the ladies tend to be the most conservative--especially the pretty ones. It's a small village---smaller than it used to be--so everybody knows his neighbor's business. So we are circumscribed. Know what I mean?"

And Bink is dissuaded from trying to raise another sex slave when Roland tells him about a new arrival - a girl named Sabrina, who he can get to know. He finally exits his flashback, and decides that his father was right, a real girl was better than a captive nymph. And so the chapter ends.

# ? Jul 18, 2013 23:29

Crimpanzee: Jan 11, 2011

I had a fondness for the Xanth series in 7th grade and after discovering amazon's used books for pennies I started buying up a bunch. I enjoyed the nostalgia until I had read to where I had gotten in junior high but then lost interest. The first 6 or 7 books were fun enough. Also, it's ok to read about 14 year olds when you, yourself are 14, after that you realize how freaking creepy Piers Anthony was...

# ? Jul 19, 2013 00:29

Potsticker: Jan 14, 2006

Wow, I can remember discovering Piers Anthony's Xanth books in Jr. High and proceeding to devour just about everything the man wrote, outside of the Bio of a Space Tyrant series which I disliked for I don't even remember why. And then in college I went back and checked out one of the books I had particularly liked, Kilobyte, and realized what horrible dreck it was and the depths to which Anthony was really a creepy, creepy guy.

The title of this thread is all too apt, but it is some sort of amazing that he has the publishing record that he does.

In some ways, the experience was similar to the one I had a few years back when someone lent me Ender's Game to read. I'm sure if I had been 14 when I first read that I would've loved it, but as it was it read like a boring power fantasy that made me wonder if the people who recommended I read it had never gone back for another read.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 02:47

neongrey: Feb 28, 2007; Plaguing your posts with incidental music.

Oddly, Xanth was one of the series that never snagged me as a teen, and boy howdy did I read a lot of crap then. In fact, I think the only thing I've ever read that he was involved in was some collaboration between him and Mercedes Lackey.

I remember it being terrible and not much else.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 04:12

particle409: Jan 15, 2008; Thou bootless clapper-clawed varlot!

It's sad because Piers Anthony wrote some decent stuff before Xanth. That being said, he must have made a mint of these books, I know a couple people who bought every single one.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 04:32

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

So THIS is what you do between F&F marathons.

I've heard of these books but never read them, I'm in.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 06:02

Arex: Oct 15, 2012; SO GOOD

Oh man, ages ago my cousin was so into these. She could go on for ages about them if given the chance and opportunity to. So as a pretty dumb adolescent I borrowed one (I can't exactly remember which, but it may have been Vale of the Vole) so I could see if it was as "Fantastic" as she had claimed and even then I knew bad when I read it. I barely got through half of the drat thing before deciding it just was not worth it.

I have no idea if she still reads them though as I lost contact with that side of the family years ago.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 07:32

super sweet best pal: Nov 18, 2009

I read a few of these at the local library ages ago. Enough to hate Piers Anthony.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 09:32

ZeeToo: Feb 20, 2008; I'm a kitty!

Let's Reads are always some of my favorite threads, and Xanth is... quite a juicy target. Very much looking forward to more.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 10:23

Angry Diplomat: Nov 7, 2009; Winner of the TSR Memorial Award for Excellence In Grogging

I really liked some of these books when I was much younger, because as Crimpanzee said, reading about 14-year-olds clumsily lusting after one another seems a lot less hosed up when you yourself are around 14. But even young me couldn't handle the puns after a while. Those awful, omnipresent puns. Years later, I went back to read the first three books, recalling that I liked them the best, and was immediately put off by the childishness and creepiness of the writing, particularly every single time any female character is mentioned for any reason.

Mors Rattus, you are a braver man than I.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 13:48

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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#1 Builder
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Speaking of puns: Our count as of Chapter 1: I'm gonna call it 1, for the wild oats. We head into Chapter 2 with Bink setting off for the Magician's castle on his own, to prove he can do it. He heads out into the wilderness along a magic path. His mother has packed a bag lunch for him, and our pun count jumps to 2 when we learn that there are sand witches in Xanth. As Bink eats his sandwich, he is charged by an angry centaur with a bow, who tells him to go away. Bink gets annoyed.

quote:

Bink was normally a good-natured fellow, but he had a certain ornery streak that manifested in times of stress. This journey was vitally important to him. This was a public path, and he had had his fill of deferring to magical menaces. The centaur was a magical creature, having no existence in the Mundane world beyond Xanth, by all accounts. Thus Bink's aggravation against magic was stirred up again, and he did something foolish.

"Go soak your tail!" he snapped.

The centaur blinked. Now he looked even huskier, his shoulders broader, his chest deeper, and his equine body even more dynamic than before. Obviously he was not accustomed to such language, at least not directed at him, and the experience startled him. In due course, however, he made the requisite mental and emotional adjustments, signaled by an awe-inspiring knotting of oversized muscles. A deep red, almost purple wash of color ascended from the hairy horse base up through the bare stomach and scarred chest, accelerating and brightening as it funneled into the narrower neck and finally dying the head and ugly face explosively. As that inexorable tide of red rage ignited his ears and penetrated to his brain, the centaur acted.

Bink avoids getting shot and smacks the centaur with his stick, then barely avoids getting beaten down before the centaur kicks a nearby cactus, which shoots him in the rear end with needles, as cacti can apparently do in Xanth. Okay, sure. The centaur goes mad with rage and starts to stangle Bink, at which point a lady centaur shows up to yell at him. His name is apparently Chester, and the lady centaur, Cherie, calms him down fast, managing to save Bink from being killed.

quote:

The female centaur caught him as he swayed. "Poor thing!" she exclaimed, cushioning his head against a plush pillow. "Are you all right?"

[...]

"I-I am Bink of the North Village," he said. He turned his head to face her--and discovered the nature of the pillow he rested against. Oh no, not again! he thought. Will I always be babied by women? Centaur females were smaller than the males, but still stood somewhat taller than human beings. Their humanoid portions were somewhat better endowed. He jerked his head away from her bare front. It was bad enough being babied by his mother, let alone a lady centaur. "I am traveling south to see the Magician Humfrey."

Cherie nodded. She was a beautiful creature, both as horse and as human, with glossy flanks and a remarkable human forefigure. Her face was attractive, only very slightly long of nose in the equine manner. Her brown human hair trailed all the way down to her saddle region, balancing her similarly flowing tail. "And this rear end waylaid you?"

Cherie manages to keep Chester from going mad again, even though Bink accidentally pisses him off by being snide at him without meaning to. Cherie offers him a ride, though Bink is a lovely horseman. Cherie explains to Bink that Chester is mad because the assholes from last chapter were coming around and causing trouble, so he doesn't trust humans. The king used to stop them, but doesn't any more. We learn that only a person with a Magician-level magic power can be king, and that all centaurs are scholars. (Cherie is a historian, and Chester is apparently an engineer.)

quote:

Bink had been relaxing, but now he leaned forward again and clasped his hands tightly around her waist. She had a sleek, comfortable back, but it was too easy to slide off. However, if she weren't a centaur, he would never have had the nerve to assume such a position!

Cherie picked up speed, galloping down the hill, and the motion made him bounce alarmingly. Peering ahead under her arm, he saw the trench. Trench? It was a gorge, some ten feet across, rushing up at them. Now he was more than alarmed; he was frightened. His hands became sweaty, and he began to slide off the side. Then she leaped with a single mighty spasm of her haunches and sailed up and across.

Bink slipped further. He had a glimpse of the stony bottom of the trench; then they landed. The jolt caused him to slide around even more. His arms scrambled desperately for a more secure hold--and wandered into distinctly awkward territory. Yet if he let go---

Cherie caught him around the waist and set him on the ground. "Easy," she said. "We made it."

Bink blushed. "I--I'm sorry. I started to fall, and just grabbed--"

Cherie says that if he meant to do it, he'd have been dropped in the trench. There is a second trench, this one infested by deadly nickelpedes, which gouge out flesh and are like centipedes but five times larger and much deadlier. (Pun count: 3.) The trenches are being caused by some magic lately that is causing chaos. Cherie then takes him into a pine forest, where Bink feels like taking a nap until Cherie warns him that the forest has put a spell on itself to keep from being chopped down. If he goes to sleep, he'll never wake up. As they leave, they talk about history - apparently, Bink descends from the First Wave of human settlers, which he feels were peaceful and less violent than the Lastwave, apparently the last group. Cherie tells him that the First Wave were just as bad. They pass by a stream which turns anyone who drinks from it into fish, ever since the Evil Magician Trent turned all the fish into lightning bugs to punish the centaurs for not helping him in his coup. (Sure, we'll count that as a pun. Pun count: 4.) The centaurs had to go to the Good Magician Humfrey to get rid of them, since he knew how to do it, and apparently all 300 centaurs in the herd owed him service for that, but Cherie won't say what they did.

We return to our history lesson. Apparently, all of the Waves of colonization were terrible, even the First Wave, but the centaur who taught history in Bink's village couldn't mention it for fear of being driven out for telling the truth. There is also something called the Shield and the Covenant, which has quieted things down.

quote:

She turned her head around to fix him with a gentle stare. Her torso twisted from the human waist to facilitate the motion. The torque was impressive; her midsection was more limber than that of a human girl, perhaps because it was harder for a centaur to turn her whole body around. But if she had a human lower section to match the upper section, what a creature she would be!

Bink then explains his situation, and how he'll be exiled to the mundane world outside Xanth if he can't show he has magic. Cherie says that among centaurs, no one would care, and that this entire law is silly. Bink agrees. Back to the history lesson again. Centaurs predate humans in Xanth, apparently, and the first Wave came a thousand years ago when a human tribe entered the Xanth peninsula, slaughtered the animals and cut down trees. Everyone assumed they'd leave soon, but when they ran into magic, they started to hunt down the bigger magical beasts. (This is why griffons tend to hate humans.) They liked the magic and settled here, despite having no magic. Bink objects, saying that humans have the strongest magic, until Cherie gets mad and tells him to shut up, she's talking. The Firstwavers got killed a lot by magic animals, but enough survived. This brings up a sidetrack on basilisks and the dangers thereof, and Bink suggests that maybe a creature can be any two of innately magical, smart or able to do magic, but not all three. Anyway, Cherie explains that the First Wave conquered Xanth, despite their losses, and built a great stone wall to keep magic out of their community, which ended up becoming a ruin Bink knows of. Bink is not pleased to learn he is descended from conquerors.

quote:

Cherie turned to face him again, glancing obliquely in a manner that would have been most fetching in a human girl. In fact, it was fetching in a centaur girl, especially if he squinted so as to see only her human portion: splendidly fetching, despite his knowledge that centaurs lived longer than humans, so that she was probably fifty years old. She looked twenty-a twenty that few humans ever achieved. No halter would hold this filly!

They were then surprised, apparently, that their children could do magic, as the magic of the environment seeps into people as they live here. Adults tend to suppress it if they weren't born there, but children do not. Each child had their own magic talent, including one who had the power to turn lead into gold. They apparently had to go to Mundania to find more lead, which leads to Bink informing us that modern Xanth has no dealings with Mundania. As a result, the Mundanes learned about magic, and a second Wave invaded, killed all the Firstwavers except the women and accidentally killed the guy who could turn lead to gold. Bink is horrified to learn he is descended from a Secondwave rape of a Firstwaver woman. The Secondwave were horrible pirates, apparently, who raped and pillaged the land and even killed and ate centaurs. Apparently, this cycle of Waves invading, killing the last Wave repeated a few generations later, but the descendants of the Secondwave had magic, so they killed the Thirdwave invaders after the menfolk were destroyed. They then brought in the Fourth Wave, peacefully, from selected mundane stock to keep Xanth secret. The men of the Fourth Wave wanted magic kids, so they didn't mind marrying into the remnant Secondwave women, and the Fourth Wave was a settlement rather than an invasion.

We learn that there have been six Waves in all, and that the last century has had none due to a Magic Shield which keeps Mundane things out and magic things in. However, the Shield has been intensifying Xanth's magic by locking it all in, which has caused its own problems. Bink complains more about being exiled if he can't prove he has magic, and Cherie mentions that among centaurs in recent memory, some guy named Herman was exiled for obscenity. She refuses to say more, and tells Bink to go the rest of the way on his own when he presses about it.

Pun Count: 4, as of the end of Chapter 2.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 15:23

Madurai: Jun 26, 2012

Of my brief career in the US Navy, the worst part was wintering over in upstate New York, trapped in a house with only someone else's Piers Anthony books for entertainment. There are depths of boredom that will cause you to do things. Terrible things. Things like read Xanth books, or even worse, the Phaze trilogy. I salute you for your bravery, sir.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 16:53

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

I guess I can give him points for writing a sex obsessed teenager as a sex obsessed teenager. Said fidelity to character doesn't make it enjoyable, though...

# ? Jul 19, 2013 16:59

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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Oh, right, I never mentioned his age.

Bink is nearly 25, the exile comes at 25 if he has no magic by then.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:08

HitTheTargets: Mar 3, 2006; I came here to laugh at you.

I know the phrase gets thrown around a lot with no real meaning attached, but I just gotta say: This poo poo is so loving anime.

I'm guessing our Ordinary High School Student hero either has the power to copy other powers or the power to negate other powers. He will also decide to try and stay ordinary or else try to be The Guy.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:09

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

Mors Rattus posted:

Oh, right, I never mentioned his age.

Bink is nearly 25, the exile comes at 25 if he has no magic by then.

Makes you wonder just how many unique magical abilities the universe can come up with. Is there some poor guy who can heat coffee up to barely tolerable, but only from distances of three miles or more?

And I'm dreading when you get to the Adult Conspiracy...

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:16

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

particle409 posted:

It's sad because Piers Anthony wrote some decent stuff before Xanth. That being said, he must have made a mint of these books, I know a couple people who bought every single one.

Really? Because everything else I'm aware of him having written has been soaked with creepy sex.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:39

Angry Diplomat: Nov 7, 2009; Winner of the TSR Memorial Award for Excellence In Grogging

Spoilers Below posted:

Oh

Makes you wonder just how many unique magical abilities the universe can come up with. Is there some poor guy who can heat coffee up to barely tolerable, but only from distances of three miles or more?

And I'm dreading when you get to the Adult Conspiracy...

There are some ridiculously contrived and/or useless Talents, if I remember right, but I don't seem to recall anything ultra-specific like that. Then again, it's been many years since I bothered opening one of these awful books, and mostly all I can remember is tits, puns, and underaged sex.

I want to say the Incarnations series was better, but on the other hand, no I don't. It was less flagrant in some ways than Xanth and it certainly had WAY fewer lovely puns, but it was still pretty contrived and full of its author's weird pervasive sexual fascinations, and it had one of the single most offensively horrific (horrifically offensive? Actually, both) damsel-in-distress scenes I have ever encountered. edit: Actually yes, I do want to say it was better, if only because that is not at all a difficult bar to pass when you're up against Xanth.

On the other hand it ends with Satan organizing a peaceful democratic election for God and a woman getting fairly elected as the supreme being, which is a surprisingly original and progressive piece of writing considering where it came from, but it just wasn't enough to redeem another lousy book series.

Angry Diplomat fucked around with this message at 17:45 on Jul 19, 2013

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:41

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

On a Pale Horse is... mostly okay, if you ignore the attempts at bribing Death with sex slaves, and icepick from your brain the bit that involves a dead infant consigned to Purgatory because it was the product of incest. The rest of the series is peppered with similarly awful scenes and meditations.

VVV Yeah, I was trying to be generous.

Bieeanshee fucked around with this message at 17:53 on Jul 19, 2013

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:45

Angry Diplomat: Nov 7, 2009; Winner of the TSR Memorial Award for Excellence In Grogging

Bieeardo posted:

On a Pale Horse is... mostly okay, if you ignore the attempts at bribing Death with sex slaves, and icepick from your brain the bit that involves a dead infant consigned to Purgatory because it was the product of incest.

A lot of things are mostly okay if you ignore all the terrible not okay parts of them :v:

# ? Jul 19, 2013 17:49

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

Bieeardo posted:

On a Pale Horse is... mostly okay, if you ignore the attempts at bribing Death with sex slaves, and icepick from your brain the bit that involves a dead infant consigned to Purgatory because it was the product of incest. The rest of the series is peppered with similarly awful scenes and meditations.

VVV Yeah, I was trying to be generous.

Wow, I must have blocked those scenes out. I remember enjoying On a Pale Horse and Bearing... an Hourglass..., but finding the rest of the series kinda dry and bland. Granted, this was back in high school, when I was the target audience.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 18:00

drrockso20: May 6, 2013; Has Not Actually Done Cocaine

While it's true that the later Xanth books are kinda bad and even the early books are mostly average(although "Ogre, Ogre" the first book in the series that I read is still one of my favorite fantasy books) I will say that Piers Anthony even though he's kinda a creep, he has a magnificent grasp on writing characters with unhuman thought processes that are still understandable and even often sympathetic in nature

# ? Jul 19, 2013 20:02

Sionak: Dec 20, 2005; Mind flay the gap.

Angry Diplomat posted:

On the other hand it ends with Satan organizing a peaceful democratic election for God and a woman getting fairly elected as the supreme being, which is a surprisingly original and progressive piece of writing considering where it came from, but it just wasn't enough to redeem another lousy book series.

If only it ended there. There's another book, "And Eternity" tackling the issue of God in more depth. I recall reading that Anthony got that one published without an editor, and I vaguely recall it containing a rant against age-of-consent laws. Even reading it as a high school student, it set off "creepy" alarm bells.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 20:50

Piell: Sep 3, 2006; Grey Worm's Ken doll-like groin throbbed with the anticipatory pleasure that only a slightly warm and moist piece of lemoncake could offer; Young Orc

Sionak posted:

If only it ended there. There's another book, "And Eternity" tackling the issue of God in more depth. I recall reading that Anthony got that one published without an editor, and I vaguely recall it containing a rant against age-of-consent laws. Even reading it as a high school student, it set off "creepy" alarm bells.

Piers Anthony wrote a story in which he explicitly defends sex between a five year old and an adult. He is a pedophile.

# ? Jul 19, 2013 21:55

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

I didn't get as far as And Eternity, but remember hearing some hair-whitening stuff about it. I just glanced over some Goodreads reviews of it and holy poo poo it was even worse than I imagined. A knockoff Lolita involving a judge and a 12 year old (who I think may be the one making a sexy pose on the cover :gonk:

). Rape as a default state for men, because of uncontrollable passions, illustrated by a woman, who is turned into a man, and immediately heads off to... yeah. Jesus.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 00:02

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

I DID read the Incarnations books, and "And Eternity" was what put me off ever trying his stuff again. It is just as bad as you think.

I want to say I heard there was another IoI book or two after that, somehow.

edit: Yes. Apparently a decade later he did another one for the hell of it.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 00:03

Alaemon: Jan 4, 2009; Proctors are guardians of the sanctity and integrity of legal education, therefore they are responsible for the nourishment of the soul.

I was a colossal Piers Anthony fan from about third grade through junior high/early high school. Incarnations of Immortality was probably my favorite, but there was so much Xanth stuff I never had to go without for long. I also had all of the Apprentice Adept books and any other sundry titles I could find available. (Fortunately, I never owned his horrific Firefly -- that's one of those "even then I knew it was creepy" titles, I remember that from checking it out from the library.)

There was actually a period in... I want to say 5th or 6th grade when we used to play IoI outside at recess. I was always Death, I had a friend who always wanted to be Time, etc. (We were a pretty weird class of kids, obviously.)

It's interesting, because absolutely none of them hold up any more. Like when I go back to revisit some of my other favorites from that time period -- Robert Asprin's Mythadventures or the first two Dragonlance trilogies -- there's still stuff there I can find enjoyable about them. But Piers Anthony is just one long stretch of "what was I thinking?"

# ? Jul 20, 2013 03:48

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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If we can get...after this one, eight more posts, I will post Chapter 3 now instead of later tomorrow.

Chapter 3 deserves to be a page-topper.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:33

Rulebook Heavily: Sep 18, 2010; by FactsAreUseless

I didn't read too many of these Xanth things. The closest thing I got to enjoying it was the Legend adventure game, and that was more than enough puns for me. And at least it toned down some of the creepy, though the lingering male gaze on everything vaguely female was "faithfully" preserved.

Somehow, it's already turning out worse than I'd imagined.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:45

Rand Brittain: Mar 25, 2013; "Go on until you're stopped."

I think it was around Faun and Games that it finally became clear to my adolescent mind that something was Not Right here.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:46

FactsAreUseless: Feb 16, 2011

You're going to read the Mode series, right? Please, please read the Mode series.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:53

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
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FactsAreUseless posted:

You're going to read the Mode series, right? Please, please read the Mode series.

We'll see. I think I recall reading the first and the last books of that, and the last being mega creepy even back then.

E: No, I'm thinking of the Kelvin of Rud series.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:54

FactsAreUseless: Feb 16, 2011

Mors Rattus posted:

We'll see. I think I recall reading the first and the last books of that, and the last being mega creepy even back then.

The last one is exceptionally bad, but we're still talking about an entire series in which Piers Anthony decided to deal with the Serious Issue of sexual assault, so it's basically a nightmare start to finish.

Edit: And that's not a spoiler. It's the setup to the whole series.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:55

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

Piers Anthony dealing with any issue is horrifying, though. Have him write a novel about being a chef and he'd still work in a screed about how just like the baby carrot, babies are A-OK.

Or something.

This metaphor wasn't thought out very well.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:57

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 23:31

Nessus: Dec 22, 2003; After a Speaker vote, you may be entitled to a valuable coupon or voucher!

Alaemon posted:

I was a colossal Piers Anthony fan from about third grade through junior high/early high school. Incarnations of Immortality was probably my favorite, but there was so much Xanth stuff I never had to go without for long. I also had all of the Apprentice Adept books and any other sundry titles I could find available. (Fortunately, I never owned his horrific Firefly -- that's one of those "even then I knew it was creepy" titles, I remember that from checking it out from the library.)

There was actually a period in... I want to say 5th or 6th grade when we used to play IoI outside at recess. I was always Death, I had a friend who always wanted to be Time, etc. (We were a pretty weird class of kids, obviously.)

It's interesting, because absolutely none of them hold up any more. Like when I go back to revisit some of my other favorites from that time period -- Robert Asprin's Mythadventures or the first two Dragonlance trilogies -- there's still stuff there I can find enjoyable about them. But Piers Anthony is just one long stretch of "what was I thinking?"

I was also into him when I was at that same age. I guess he targets that demographic very neatly, huh? I did read Firefly - afterwards I think I only picked up one of the Phaze books because it was on hand when I was in an isolated area.

I also read his autobiography, which had some interesting tidbits in it. Apparently he attended very egalitarian schools, which is part of why he often ends his books with some sort of a negotiated compromise; he internalized that particular value.

The appeal of these books to that age group is hard to define; they're certainly not marketed, or weren't at least, as "young adult" literature. Maybe it's in Anthony's writing style?

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:59

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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