Jozy's thread: He makes far post peels, near post crashes, runs down the gut alone,

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > Jozy's thread: He makes far post peels, near post crashes, runs down the gut alone,

«‹›205 »

dkj: Feb 18, 2009

Since hes moving to an easier league I will say: Jozy will score 30 goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:07

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 11:48

Jota: May 6, 2003; uga-booga uga-booga

Jozy will score 9 goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:24

Destroy My Sweater: Jul 24, 2009

I believe Jozy will score 8 goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:30

Modus Trollens: Sep 12, 2010

Jozy will score 11 goals but one will be unfairly ruled offside and one will be unfairly called not a goal by goal line technology

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:31

Insanely Sikh: Aug 26, 2009; Winner, SA's Sikh Of the Year, 2013

Yeah let's just carry on posting in a 'BAN ME' thread, twats.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:32

zooted heh: Oct 16, 2005; str8 mercin burgers my nigga

9 goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:33

Hashtag Nascar: Jan 4, 2012

10 goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:40

Mr. Mambold: Feb 13, 2011; Aha. Nice post.

tremendous homo posted:

Jozy will score nine goals and then fall into a spiral of drunken nights out as he quickly learns he cannot handle England's pub lad culture

How many bananas will England's pub lad culture throw at him this season?

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:40

African AIDS cum: Feb 29, 2012; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaack

Can we get mod approval to brainstorm possible rivals puns to use re: Jozy in the GDT/MDT this season

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:42

Your Weird Uncle: Jan 16, 2006; Boneless Rusto Thrash.

vaginal culture posted:

Can we get mod approval to brainstorm possible rivals puns to use re: Jozy in the GDT/MDT this season

joey altitude

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:43

Shrapnig: Jan 21, 2005

Zero(0), Jozy will score zero goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:46

kliksf: Jan 1, 2003

I'll take 12 goals. (12)

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:49

Pissflaps: Oct 20, 2002; by VideoGames

vaginal culture posted:

Can we get mod approval to brainstorm possible rivals puns to use re: Jozy in the GDT/MDT this season

Is the one in the title not enough?

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:53

trem_two: Oct 22, 2002; it is better if you keep saying I'm fat, as I will continue to score goals; Fun Shoe

There will be bushels of sexy Jozy Altiphwoar goals this year.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:55

Jota: May 6, 2003; uga-booga uga-booga

vaginal culture posted:

Can we get mod approval to brainstorm possible rivals puns to use re: Jozy in the GDT/MDT this season

Nozy How-to-score

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:55

African AIDS cum: Feb 29, 2012; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaack

Pissflaps posted:

Is the one in the title not enough?

I have some I've been kicking around I'd like to see if we can collaborate and really knock this out of the park

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:56

Pissflaps: Oct 20, 2002; by VideoGames

vaginal culture posted:

I have some I've been kicking around I'd like to see if we can collaborate and really knock this out of the park

Dozy Coleslaw

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:58

msj817: Apr 1, 2003; Please help me help you forget about Jozy.

I have confirmed with his publicist Jeremy Pond that Jozy will score 13 goals this upcoming season.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 18:59

African AIDS cum: Feb 29, 2012; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaack

Pissflaps posted:

Dozy Coleslaw

I like Watchme Failtoscore

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:00

Machinegunboyo: Apr 26, 2010; life is good

Jozy altidore will score 10 goals, quite lovely ones too.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:00

Manc Hill: Jul 19, 2001; ^^this is u ^^this is me

has anyone said none yet. NONE. gently caress ALL.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:03

paddyboat: Feb 20, 2013; Maxi, Maxi Rodriguez
Run down the wing for me

I want to say 15 for some reason.

That's right, fifteen goals. No, really.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:10

Shrapnig: Jan 21, 2005

excuse me lady posted:

has anyone said none yet. NONE. gently caress ALL.

Sup, 10 posts up.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:10

Insanely Sikh: Aug 26, 2009; Winner, SA's Sikh Of the Year, 2013

I hope he scores a lot, because he's in my fantasy footy team.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:11

Poonior Toilett: Aug 21, 2004; m'lady

excuse me lady posted:

has anyone said none yet. NONE. gently caress ALL.

I said it last page idiot!

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:20

fat gay nonce: May 13, 2003; _{actual penis length: |-----------|}

Winner, PWM POTM January

vaginal culture posted:

I like Watchme Failtoscore

Joocy Whatawhore is fairly problematic

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:22

joshtothemaxx: Nov 17, 2008; I will have a whole army of zombies! A zombie Marine Corps, a zombie Navy Corps, zombie Space Cadets...

Jozy Altidore will score SEVEN GOALS before headbutting Alan Hutton again on November 30th. It will be glorious.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:23

Real Name Grover: Feb 13, 2002; Like corn on the cob; Fan of Britches

He will score 16 goals, one less goal than the number that graces his shirt when he plays for his native land

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:28

Babby Thatcher: May 3, 2004; concept by my buddy kyle

Iggy Pop Barker's Soccer Sabermetric Shack

Hi it's me, Iggy Pop Barker. I know some of you are having some trouble coming up with some realistic ballpark figures as to how well Jozy will do in the world's top club competition - The Barclay's. Well, you might be surprised to learn that he has already participated in it in the recent past, for Hull City (no relation to the new expansion franchise the Hull City Tigers). I thought I'd give back to the Yohan Kebab community by offering some analysis

Jozy Altidore appeared in 28 out of Hull City's 38 Barclay's games during the 2009-10 season, of which well over half (16) saw him in the starting lineup, always as a centre-forward. He rewarded star manager Phil Brown's faith in him with ONE goal in the Barclay's, which averages out to ONE goal every TWENTY EIGHT games.

This might not seem like much to write home about, but of course soccer is a team sport, and many forwards offer far more than simply their goal tally - Emile Heskey to name just a few. So how did Hull City perform during 2009-10? They finished 19th in the Barclay's with 30 points, just one ahead (on sporting merit) of Portsmouth - a literal front organisation for an Angolan arms dealer. The previous year they'd finished 17th with 35 points. We can therefore conclude that Jozy Altidore is worth an average of -5 points to Barclay's teams. Sunderland avoided relegation last season by 3 points, so fans of the famous blackshirts should hope that other new signings can counter the famed and scientifically proven 'Jozy Effect'.

But you may be thinking at this point - hang on, Hull City weren't a great team in general, and it's very hard for a mediocre striker to thrive with sparse service. this is true. But Hull City in 2009/10 had many mediocre strikers. Let's take a look at them:

Caleb FOLAN

Despite being born Irish, Caleb overcame adversity to force his way onto Barclay's Official Rosters - first with Wigan and then with Hull City. A series of fallings out with manager Phil Brown saw him play just 8 Barclay's games that season (7 starts) - yet he managed two goals. This ratio of 1 goal every 4 games makes him quantifiably SEVEN TIMES GREATER than Leadfoot NikeContract. Caleb went on to make appearences for Colorado, T-Team (of Malaysia) and most damningly of all, the ROIMNT.

Craig FAGAN

Craig Fagan is loving poo poo. He's a poo poo striker and a poo poo winger. I'd say he's found his level with League Two (look it up on wikipedia) Bradford City, but he's been consistently poo poo for them and they've loaned him out because he isn't worth his meagre wage. Despite this, he managed TWO goals in 25 matches for Hull that season. Nothing great, but this lower league nobody is OBJECTIVELY TWICE AS GOOD AS JOZY ALTIDORE

Jan VENNEGOOR of Hesselink

idk he sounds like a prince or something. there's no dutch exception on the tories gently caress off flowchart. Scored 3 goals in 31 games despite being as old as the ludicrous feudal system that spawned him and not even particularly good in the SPL, which is like your Canadian Football League but there's no real bears so some of the men in the dark blue jerseys have to pretend to be bears on facebook and type LOYAL in all caps like 'The man who works at the offy LOYAL' and it doesn't make sense because grizzly bears don't speak in any human language let alone say LOYAL or use facebook (irlZaphod is the exception that proves the rule). THREE TIMES AS GOOD AS JOZY

with all this in mind i'd like to make my own prediction. ZERO Barclay's goals. FOURTEEN appearances, NONE OF WHICH take place after FEBRUARY. ONE gagging order restricting the press from reporting the circumstances which saw both Jozy and Paolo Di Canio leave the club.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:33

Insanely Sikh: Aug 26, 2009; Winner, SA's Sikh Of the Year, 2013

Hell of a post.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:40

Manc Hill: Jul 19, 2001; ^^this is u ^^this is me

my son bort posted:

I said it last page idiot!

p. sure greg likes me better than you two clowns so i've got this one sewn up

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:41

biscuits and crazy: Oct 10, 2012

Jozy Altidore will score two (2) goals in the prem this season.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:47

Hashtag Banterzone: Dec 8, 2005; Lifetime Winner of the willkill4food Honorary Bad Posting Award in PWM

Babby Thatcher posted:

Iggy Pop Barker's Soccer Sabermetric Shack

Hi it's me, Iggy Pop Barker. I know some of you are having some trouble coming up with some realistic ballpark figures as to how well Jozy will do in the world's top club competition - The Barclay's. Well, you might be surprised to learn that he has already participated in it in the recent past, for Hull City (no relation to the new expansion franchise the Hull City Tigers). I thought I'd give back to the Yohan Kebab community by offering some analysis

Jozy Altidore appeared in 28 out of Hull City's 38 Barclay's games during the 2009-10 season, of which well over half (16) saw him in the starting lineup, always as a centre-forward. He rewarded star manager Phil Brown's faith in him with ONE goal in the Barclay's, which averages out to ONE goal every TWENTY EIGHT games.

This might not seem like much to write home about, but of course soccer is a team sport, and many forwards offer far more than simply their goal tally - Emile Heskey to name just a few. So how did Hull City perform during 2009-10? They finished 19th in the Barclay's with 30 points, just one ahead (on sporting merit) of Portsmouth - a literal front organisation for an Angolan arms dealer. The previous year they'd finished 17th with 35 points. We can therefore conclude that Jozy Altidore is worth an average of -5 points to Barclay's teams. Sunderland avoided relegation last season by 3 points, so fans of the famous blackshirts should hope that other new signings can counter the famed and scientifically proven 'Jozy Effect'.

But you may be thinking at this point - hang on, Hull City weren't a great team in general, and it's very hard for a mediocre striker to thrive with sparse service. this is true. But Hull City in 2009/10 had many mediocre strikers. Let's take a look at them:

Caleb FOLAN

Despite being born Irish, Caleb overcame adversity to force his way onto Barclay's Official Rosters - first with Wigan and then with Hull City. A series of fallings out with manager Phil Brown saw him play just 8 Barclay's games that season (7 starts) - yet he managed two goals. This ratio of 1 goal every 4 games makes him quantifiably SEVEN TIMES GREATER than Leadfoot NikeContract. Caleb went on to make appearences for Colorado, T-Team (of Malaysia) and most damningly of all, the ROIMNT.

Craig FAGAN

Craig Fagan is loving poo poo. He's a poo poo striker and a poo poo winger. I'd say he's found his level with League Two (look it up on wikipedia) Bradford City, but he's been consistently poo poo for them and they've loaned him out because he isn't worth his meagre wage. Despite this, he managed TWO goals in 25 matches for Hull that season. Nothing great, but this lower league nobody is OBJECTIVELY TWICE AS GOOD AS JOZY ALTIDORE

Jan VENNEGOOR of Hesselink

idk he sounds like a prince or something. there's no dutch exception on the tories gently caress off flowchart. Scored 3 goals in 31 games despite being as old as the ludicrous feudal system that spawned him and not even particularly good in the SPL, which is like your Canadian Football League but there's no real bears so some of the men in the dark blue jerseys have to pretend to be bears on facebook and type LOYAL in all caps like 'The man who works at the offy LOYAL' and it doesn't make sense because grizzly bears don't speak in any human language let alone say LOYAL or use facebook (irlZaphod is the exception that proves the rule). THREE TIMES AS GOOD AS JOZY

with all this in mind i'd like to make my own prediction. ZERO Barclay's goals. FOURTEEN appearances, NONE OF WHICH take place after FEBRUARY. ONE gagging order restricting the press from reporting the circumstances which saw both Jozy and Paolo Di Canio leave the club.

that was a lot of work to just to wind up americans

# ? Aug 16, 2013 19:49

Pissflaps: Oct 20, 2002; by VideoGames

It's actually a really good post.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 20:05

advanced statsman: Dec 26, 2012; ISLAM FC

Since some posters will argue about player growth as demonstrated in the lovely Dutch league I'd like you to give us your interpretation of that phenomenon tia

# ? Aug 16, 2013 20:06

Ninpo: Aug 6, 2004; by FactsAreUseless

IPB has done it again with a cracking post fresh from his posting franchise production line.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 20:06

Ninpo: Aug 6, 2004; by FactsAreUseless

tetsman posted:

Since some posters will argue about player growth as demonstrated in the lovely Dutch league I'd like you to give us your interpretation of that phenomenon tia

Players don't develop in the Netherlands unless they're Dutch, Danish or like to bite people.

Holland gets pretty racist around Christmas too, that can't be good for a young African American lad.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 20:07

Babby Thatcher: May 3, 2004; concept by my buddy kyle

tetsman posted:

Since some posters will argue about player growth as demonstrated in the lovely Dutch league I'd like you to give us your interpretation of that phenomenon tia

some things that are really good in holland also achieve success elsewhere ie the land of Barclay's. Others are Mateja Kezman, the sport of Korfball, Ryan Babel, the dude with the long name in my post above, Steve McLaren, and hardstyle.

unlike most of the above, we've already seen Jozy in the UK. I'm sure he's grown as a footballer and as a person in the 3 years since he left, but given he was one of the worst regular players the division has ever seen, it's a much bigger leap to suggest he'll be any good at all. I mean, learning how to control a football is something professional players with millions of dollars and years of sponsorship from sportswear manufacturers generally learn before the crucial 20-23 age bracket.

I might be wrong of course, just as it's entirely plausible someone will sign Eddie Johnson or Kenny Cooper and they'll be better than the team they play for's actual comedy mascot and/or the inanimate items of merchandise based on them this time around.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 20:36

Hashtag Banterzone: Dec 8, 2005; Lifetime Winner of the willkill4food Honorary Bad Posting Award in PWM

Pissflaps posted:

It's actually a really good post.

It's actually a bad post because it reminded me how bad hull were that season.

I might have to lower my goal prediction for Jozy on account of no one from that squad amounting to anything.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 21:01

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 11:48

Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

Hell score 11.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 21:01

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > Jozy's thread: He makes far post peels, near post crashes, runs down the gut alone,

«‹›205 »