Babby Thatcher posted:

Iggy Pop Barker's Soccer Sabermetric Shack

Hi it's me, Iggy Pop Barker. I know some of you are having some trouble coming up with some realistic ballpark figures as to how well Jozy will do in the world's top club competition - The Barclay's. Well, you might be surprised to learn that he has already participated in it in the recent past, for Hull City (no relation to the new expansion franchise the Hull City Tigers). I thought I'd give back to the Yohan Kebab community by offering some analysis




Jozy Altidore appeared in 28 out of Hull City's 38 Barclay's games during the 2009-10 season, of which well over half (16) saw him in the starting lineup, always as a centre-forward. He rewarded star manager Phil Brown's faith in him with ONE goal in the Barclay's, which averages out to ONE goal every TWENTY EIGHT games.


This might not seem like much to write home about, but of course soccer is a team sport, and many forwards offer far more than simply their goal tally - Emile Heskey to name just a few. So how did Hull City perform during 2009-10? They finished 19th in the Barclay's with 30 points, just one ahead (on sporting merit) of Portsmouth - a literal front organisation for an Angolan arms dealer. The previous year they'd finished 17th with 35 points. We can therefore conclude that Jozy Altidore is worth an average of -5 points to Barclay's teams. Sunderland avoided relegation last season by 3 points, so fans of the famous blackshirts should hope that other new signings can counter the famed and scientifically proven 'Jozy Effect'.


But you may be thinking at this point - hang on, Hull City weren't a great team in general, and it's very hard for a mediocre striker to thrive with sparse service. this is true. But Hull City in 2009/10 had many mediocre strikers. Let's take a look at them:


Caleb FOLAN



Despite being born Irish, Caleb overcame adversity to force his way onto Barclay's Official Rosters - first with Wigan and then with Hull City. A series of fallings out with manager Phil Brown saw him play just 8 Barclay's games that season (7 starts) - yet he managed two goals. This ratio of 1 goal every 4 games makes him quantifiably SEVEN TIMES GREATER than Leadfoot NikeContract. Caleb went on to make appearences for Colorado, T-Team (of Malaysia) and most damningly of all, the ROIMNT.

Craig FAGAN



Craig Fagan is loving poo poo. He's a poo poo striker and a poo poo winger. I'd say he's found his level with League Two (look it up on wikipedia) Bradford City, but he's been consistently poo poo for them and they've loaned him out because he isn't worth his meagre wage. Despite this, he managed TWO goals in 25 matches for Hull that season. Nothing great, but this lower league nobody is OBJECTIVELY TWICE AS GOOD AS JOZY ALTIDORE

Jan VENNEGOOR of Hesselink

idk he sounds like a prince or something. there's no dutch exception on the tories gently caress off flowchart. Scored 3 goals in 31 games despite being as old as the ludicrous feudal system that spawned him and not even particularly good in the SPL, which is like your Canadian Football League but there's no real bears so some of the men in the dark blue jerseys have to pretend to be bears on facebook and type LOYAL in all caps like 'The man who works at the offy LOYAL' and it doesn't make sense because grizzly bears don't speak in any human language let alone say LOYAL or use facebook (irlZaphod is the exception that proves the rule). THREE TIMES AS GOOD AS JOZY



with all this in mind i'd like to make my own prediction. ZERO Barclay's goals. FOURTEEN appearances, NONE OF WHICH take place after FEBRUARY. ONE gagging order restricting the press from reporting the circumstances which saw both Jozy and Paolo Di Canio leave the club.

Pissflaps posted:

It's actually a really good post.

Crunkjuice posted:

He is able to score on island nations. This i can confirm.

oh em gee bee ess posted:

http://espnfc.com/blog/_/name/thescoutsnotebook/id/984?cc=5901

Lol ESPN has finally done a scouting report on a 24 year old "prospect", nevermind the fact that at 24 years old most players have either made it or have hosed off out of the game.

quote:

Potential score: 37
35-40: A solid starter on a top EPL club

Olewithmilk posted: