Cooking Cockups: Now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Goons with Spoons > Cooking Cockups: Now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy

«‹›34 »

Empty Sandwich: Apr 22, 2008; goatse mugs

there's more of grave than of gravy about them

# ? Dec 2, 2021 14:52

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 29, 2024 13:52

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

My very first thread title, and it's about gravy. I am So Proud.

# ? Dec 2, 2021 15:02

Rythe: Jan 21, 2011

I found out my best friend makes her turkey gravy by taking the drippings and stirring flour into it and straining out the lumps. I banned her, in her own house from making gravy and did a quick lesson on what the hell a roux is and how important that concept is to everything. I'll blow her mind with a corn starch slurry next.

# ? Dec 2, 2021 16:15

The Midniter: Jul 9, 2001

Rythe posted:

I found out my best friend makes her turkey gravy by taking the drippings and stirring flour into it and straining out the lumps. I banned her, in her own house from making gravy and did a quick lesson on what the hell a roux is and how important that concept is to everything. I'll blow her mind with a corn starch slurry next.

What I really should have done after I poured everything into my fat separator would be to remove the top, spoon out a couple tablespoons of turkey fat, and make my roux with that instead of the butter I used.

Luckily, we picked up an extra 15-pounder for 9 dollars the day before Thanksgiving that's living in my freezer right now so I'll have the chance to try that out before long.

# ? Dec 2, 2021 16:46

ExecuDork: Feb 25, 2007; We might be fucked, sir.; Fallen Rib

Not gravy, but its relative, mornay sauce.

I was tired after a long drive home yesterday and we had leftovers from Sunday night for supper. Roast beef*, mashed potatoes, salad, with the leftover mornay sauce that I'd also made Sunday night because we had plenty of cream and parmesan.

*One of the many sub-2-pounds pieces I carved out of a giant Topside "primal" that readers of the general cooking discussion thread might remember. We're still working through that, hoping to have it done by Christmas.

The supper was fine. What was less than fine was the "rarebit" I'd put in the oven and forgotten about. I was feeling hungrier than the leftovers looked to satisfy so while the meat and potatoes were in the microwave I put some sundried tomatoes and a generous slathering of mornay sauce on some toast on a pie plate and into the oven at some normal oven temperature (180 or 200 C, close to 350 to 375 F for you yanquis). After supper, clearing up, my wife asked me if it was OK if she turned off the oven. About 10 minutes later I realized why it was on in the first place.

The toast was very toasted, the tomatoes were fine, and the mornay sauce had disappeared, replaced by a hard black crust on the pie plate. I still ate it.

# ? Dec 8, 2021 05:46

Empty Sandwich: Apr 22, 2008; goatse mugs

ah, yes, a broke sandwich

# ? Dec 8, 2021 15:00

Empty Sandwich: Apr 22, 2008; goatse mugs

bc it was out of mornay

# ? Dec 8, 2021 15:00

Mister Facetious: Apr 21, 2007; I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

ExecuDork posted:

Not gravy, but its relative, mornay sauce.

I was tired after a long drive home yesterday and we had leftovers from Sunday night for supper. Roast beef*, mashed potatoes, salad, with the leftover mornay sauce that I'd also made Sunday night because we had plenty of cream and parmesan.

*One of the many sub-2-pounds pieces I carved out of a giant Topside "primal" that readers of the general cooking discussion thread might remember. We're still working through that, hoping to have it done by Christmas.

The supper was fine. What was less than fine was the "rarebit" I'd put in the oven and forgotten about. I was feeling hungrier than the leftovers looked to satisfy so while the meat and potatoes were in the microwave I put some sundried tomatoes and a generous slathering of mornay sauce on some toast on a pie plate and into the oven at some normal oven temperature (180 or 200 C, close to 350 to 375 F for you yanquis). After supper, clearing up, my wife asked me if it was OK if she turned off the oven. About 10 minutes later I realized why it was on in the first place.

The toast was very toasted, the tomatoes were fine, and the mornay sauce had disappeared, replaced by a hard black crust on the pie plate. I still ate it.

200c is closer to 400f. My recommendation is to get in the habit of setting a timer with your phone for everything in the kitchen. It's been very convenient in my experience.

# ? Dec 8, 2021 15:31

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

So, in any US recipe, the two temperatures you tend to see almost all the time are 350 and 425. The centigrade versions of those are 180 and 220. Gas marks also exist but even in the UK you don't tend to see that any more ;p

# ? Dec 8, 2021 18:28

Mister Facetious: Apr 21, 2007; I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

feedmegin posted:

Gas marks also exist but even in the UK you don't tend to see that any more ;p

Delia Smith must be rolling in her grave

# ? Dec 8, 2021 19:35

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

My mother burned off her front hair and eyebrows trying to light an old -school prince gas oven. Those fuckers were mean. Thing went POOF in her face.

# ? Dec 8, 2021 19:57

ExecuDork: Feb 25, 2007; We might be fucked, sir.; Fallen Rib

Pookah posted:

My mother burned off her front hair and eyebrows trying to light an old -school prince gas oven. Those fuckers were mean. Thing went POOF in her face.

I detonated a propane oven once. Propane explodes slowly, I had enough time to think "I have made an error" as the wall of blue flamed rolled into me.

I'll back up.

In 2009 I was working as a field technician in the Canadian High Arctic, measuring plants and soil and so forth at the most northerly police station in the world. When they built the very basic buildings in 1953, the RCMP installed a propane-burning cooker, a big white enameled thing with three internal chambers (oven, warming oven, toaster drawer), four burners on top, and about half a square metre of clean white work surface on the side. It fed off of a big propane tank just outside the kitchen window, which would last us about a month. There were 7 of us there for just shy of two months in the short High Arctic summer.

Poking Around Base Camp 1 by by ExecuDork, on Flickr

One other person and I spent a week on top of the mountain just west of the valley, and when we returned to base the other 5 people had gone off up another nearby valley for a few days. All of this travel was by helicopter. So we had the place to ourselves and the selection of food was better than the endless cans we'd been eating from up on The Dome. The other person went to bed early that night*, to her tent not far from the buildings. I was hungry and excited to find some reasonably-fresh bread in the kitchen. I decided to have some toast.

* We were well above the Arctic circle, and this was early August. The sun did not set, at all, the entire time I was up there. "Night" refers to the time between about 9pm and 7am, when the sun is roughly to our north.

The other group of people had told us they'd swapped the propane cylinder just before they'd left, and I'd had to re-light the stovetop (one pilot light somehow works for all four burners, with the exception of the back-right which was always a bit of a problem getting started) already. I forgot that the oven had its own, separate pilot light, accessed through hole at the bottom of the largest oven chamber.

I turned the oven on and put some bread into the toast drawer. This is a narrow drawer under the warming oven, and the flames below the warming oven are directly above the drawer. This was the worst toaster when it was working properly. It had the classic syndrome of bread-bread-bread-bread-bread-glance away for a second-BURNT. So I wasn't too surprised at the long delay, and just finding cold bread every time I opened the drawer to check. Then I clued in (halfway). There was no flame! Because the pilot light had not been re-lit since the cylinder change! Where did I put that BBQ lighter....?

I opened the main oven door and leaned in with the BBQ lighter. Just as I was inserting the flame into the little hole, a voice in my head stated "the gas has been on for several minutes and this ancient cooker has no safety cut-offs".

BOOOOOOOM

I woke up on my back on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. I immediately checked myself for flames and burns and found neither, and also no arm hair. I still had my eyebrows and my beard, and the smell of burning hair was very faint and coming only from the little curled up bits of charred follicles on my forearms. The kitchen floor was also filthy with decades worth of crumbs and dust from under the oven as well as an entire layer of peeling paint, stripped from the walls by the blast. The knick-knacks on the window ledge opposite the cooker were all on the table, and a cloud of dust lingered in the room.

The toast was perfect.

# ? Dec 10, 2021 01:41

I eat baby skin: Nov 30, 2003; Fresh from the nursery

ExecuDork posted:

The toast was perfect.

Thanks for the artisanal toast recipe!

# ? Dec 10, 2021 16:36

Giggle Goose: Oct 18, 2009

ExecuDork posted:

I detonated a propane oven once. Propane explodes slowly, I had enough time to think "I have made an error" as the wall of blue flamed rolled into me.

I'll back up.

In 2009 I was working as a field technician in the Canadian High Arctic, measuring plants and soil and so forth at the most northerly police station in the world. When they built the very basic buildings in 1953, the RCMP installed a propane-burning cooker, a big white enameled thing with three internal chambers (oven, warming oven, toaster drawer), four burners on top, and about half a square metre of clean white work surface on the side. It fed off of a big propane tank just outside the kitchen window, which would last us about a month. There were 7 of us there for just shy of two months in the short High Arctic summer.
Poking Around Base Camp 1 by by ExecuDork, on Flickr

One other person and I spent a week on top of the mountain just west of the valley, and when we returned to base the other 5 people had gone off up another nearby valley for a few days. All of this travel was by helicopter. So we had the place to ourselves and the selection of food was better than the endless cans we'd been eating from up on The Dome. The other person went to bed early that night*, to her tent not far from the buildings. I was hungry and excited to find some reasonably-fresh bread in the kitchen. I decided to have some toast.

* We were well above the Arctic circle, and this was early August. The sun did not set, at all, the entire time I was up there. "Night" refers to the time between about 9pm and 7am, when the sun is roughly to our north.

The other group of people had told us they'd swapped the propane cylinder just before they'd left, and I'd had to re-light the stovetop (one pilot light somehow works for all four burners, with the exception of the back-right which was always a bit of a problem getting started) already. I forgot that the oven had its own, separate pilot light, accessed through hole at the bottom of the largest oven chamber.

I turned the oven on and put some bread into the toast drawer. This is a narrow drawer under the warming oven, and the flames below the warming oven are directly above the drawer. This was the worst toaster when it was working properly. It had the classic syndrome of bread-bread-bread-bread-bread-glance away for a second-BURNT. So I wasn't too surprised at the long delay, and just finding cold bread every time I opened the drawer to check. Then I clued in (halfway). There was no flame! Because the pilot light had not been re-lit since the cylinder change! Where did I put that BBQ lighter....?

I opened the main oven door and leaned in with the BBQ lighter. Just as I was inserting the flame into the little hole, a voice in my head stated "the gas has been on for several minutes and this ancient cooker has no safety cut-offs".

BOOOOOOOM

I woke up on my back on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. I immediately checked myself for flames and burns and found neither, and also no arm hair. I still had my eyebrows and my beard, and the smell of burning hair was very faint and coming only from the little curled up bits of charred follicles on my forearms. The kitchen floor was also filthy with decades worth of crumbs and dust from under the oven as well as an entire layer of peeling paint, stripped from the walls by the blast. The knick-knacks on the window ledge opposite the cooker were all on the table, and a cloud of dust lingered in the room.

The toast was perfect.

What did your coworkers have to say about the state of the kitchen?

# ? Dec 10, 2021 22:52

ExecuDork: Feb 25, 2007; We might be fucked, sir.; Fallen Rib

I cleaned up the kitchen, put most of the kitch back on the window ledge, and enjoyed my toast, then went to my tent.

The next morning I told my coworker what had happened. She got mad at me - "What if you'd been seriously injured!? We're in the middle of the Arctic! I'd have to do first aid on your stupid rear end!" which were all fair points.
Then she told me what she'd heard - a loud boom. She was half-asleep, watching an episode of 24 on her laptop and assumed it was an explosion in the show.

Then she laughed at my toasted arm hair.

I eat baby skin posted:

Thanks for the artisanal toast recipe!

I've never tried to replicate it.

I've blown up one or two propane BBQ in much the same way (gas on, get distracted, apply flame) but never with bread on the grill. I should try it sometime.

That summer, I also blew up the shower (heated by a drip of gasoline into fire) but that, while certainly a disiaster, had nothing to do with cooking or food or kitchens.

# ? Dec 12, 2021 11:26

Guildenstern Mother: Mar 31, 2010; Why walk when you can ride?

Cooking high and put the melted butter into the flour mix for my pancakes before the milk/egg and now my batter is extra extra lumpy.

# ? Dec 17, 2021 05:11

TITTIEKISSER69: Mar 19, 2005; SAVE THE BEES
PLANT MORE TREES
CLEAN THE SEAS
KISS TITTIESS

I have a friend who has her own baking business aside from her day job (teacher). I recently bought four pie crusts from her. I decided to try using one of them as a pizza crust.

Bad idea, my guts hate me. Insufficiently cooked dough is bad, mkay?

# ? May 24, 2022 06:38

Killingyouguy!: Sep 8, 2014

"surely vanilla whey protein powder is powdered dairy like any other and may go into a nice hot mug of decaf"
this is the thought process of a fool do not attempt this there will be regrets

idk if it was the heat or the acidity but Something happened to it
there was a thick layer of Tasteless Protein Sand floating on top

# ? Nov 29, 2022 01:36

Tagichatn: Jun 7, 2009

TITTIEKISSER69 posted:

I have a friend who has her own baking business aside from her day job (teacher). I recently bought four pie crusts from her. I decided to try using one of them as a pizza crust.

Bad idea, my guts hate me. Insufficiently cooked dough is bad, mkay?

With the amount of raw dough/batter/etc I've eaten, I'm surprised I've never had food poisoning. Why did you think that would taste good though? Pie dough and pizza dough are completely different.

# ? Nov 29, 2022 04:46

CrazySalamander: Nov 5, 2009

Killingyouguy! posted:

"surely vanilla whey protein powder is powdered dairy like any other and may go into a nice hot mug of decaf"
this is the thought process of a fool do not attempt this there will be regrets

idk if it was the heat or the acidity but Something happened to it
there was a thick layer of Tasteless Protein Sand floating on top

I have done this too. I also determined it to be mostly temperature based because I didn�t have the issue with refrigerated coffee.

# ? Nov 29, 2022 05:48

Thoht: Aug 3, 2006

Tagichatn posted:

With the amount of raw dough/batter/etc I've eaten, I'm surprised I've never had food poisoning. Why did you think that would taste good though? Pie dough and pizza dough are completely different.

I dunno, sounds pretty tasty to me, although very rich.

# ? Nov 29, 2022 17:04

AngryRobotsInc: Aug 2, 2011

In my experience with hot drinks and protein powder, blending it within an inch of its life solves that issue. I just tossed it all in my Vitamix, which might be a bit overkill for that, but it's what I have.

# ? Nov 30, 2022 02:26

Nettle Soup: Jan 30, 2010; Oh, and Jones was there too.

Attempted to make a 100% hydration pizza dough with a recipe from the pizza stone thread. Good lord, no matter what I did I could not get it to come together. I don't know if it was my starter, the cold weather, or just me using a mixer and not attempting to do it by hand (which would have been difficult, I've never done above 70% by hand I don't think)

Eventually I gave up and poured the batter into a pizza pan, and it came out... Actually somewhat edible, in a strange, bready flat sort of way, but not what was intended at all.

# ? Dec 4, 2022 13:11

Mister Facetious: Apr 21, 2007; I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

Hell yeah, nothing like putting on a pot of beans to boil, and then forgetting to take it off of full blast and scorching the bottom when the water disappears :milk:

# ? Dec 9, 2022 18:44

Killingyouguy!: Sep 8, 2014

Mister Facetious posted:

Hell yeah, nothing like putting on a pot of beans to boil, and then forgetting to take it off of full blast and scorching the bottom when the water disappears

Oh, my beans always boil over the moment after they hit a full boil. They would never let me forget they're on the heat

# ? Dec 9, 2022 20:36

Mister Facetious: Apr 21, 2007; I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

I was doing a very small amount.

# ? Dec 9, 2022 20:39

Empty Sandwich: Apr 22, 2008; goatse mugs

Mister Facetious posted:

I was doing a very small amount.

I can quit whenever I want!

# ? Dec 9, 2022 21:28

franco: Jan 3, 2003

Cooking those noodles that puff up in a wok of boiling cooking oil to go with something else I was making. I reached down to the oven underneath at the exact point it fell off the hob. I can only imagine it wasn't seated right and the agitation made it come off - I certainly didn't knock it. Boiling oil over the back of my hand. I don't think I've screamed since childhood but the neighbours must've thought I was being murdered I shrieked so much.

2 months unable to work as you kinda need two hands when you're a dealer in a casino. Back and forth to the plastics ward at the hospital every two days to have it un-dressed and re-dressed. Sling, the whole shebang. Eventually had to get skin grafts. Kinda interesting realising what you can't do with only one arm (I'm right handed and it was the right to make matters worse).

I don't recommend it.

And if I never eat a loving ready meal ever again it will be too soon.

# ? Dec 10, 2022 06:11

Killingyouguy!: Sep 8, 2014

poured boiling water on my instant coffee (ok) and then before it registered what i was doing, also poured boiling water on my bowl of cereal

# ? Dec 18, 2022 14:25

Dunno-Lars: Apr 7, 2011

Depending on the cereal, isn't that just porridge?

# ? Dec 18, 2022 16:08

Killingyouguy!: Sep 8, 2014

Dunno-Lars posted:

Depending on the cereal, isn't that just porridge?

noone wants Kelloggs� Vector� porridge

# ? Dec 18, 2022 16:09

Shooting Blanks: Jun 6, 2007; Real bullets mess up how cool this thing looks.

-Blade

Not a boiling/painful moment, but when I was ~8 and deep into telling my parents a story, I reached for the salt to pour it on my steak. Well, I thought it was salt, turned out to be my glass of milk.

# ? Dec 18, 2022 22:59

Arkhamina: Mar 30, 2008; Arkham Whore.; Fallen Rib

I vaguely recall instructions to soak beef liver in milk before cooking it, but I think that's before, not when it's plated.

# ? Dec 19, 2022 01:23

Tagichatn: Jun 7, 2009

Shooting Blanks posted:

Not a boiling/painful moment, but when I was ~8 and deep into telling my parents a story, I reached for the salt to pour it on my steak. Well, I thought it was salt, turned out to be my glass of milk.

Traditionally sloppy steaks use water instead of milk.

# ? Dec 19, 2022 04:29

EightFlyingCars: Jun 30, 2008

TITTIEKISSER69 posted:

I have a friend who has her own baking business aside from her day job (teacher). I recently bought four pie crusts from her. I decided to try using one of them as a pizza crust.

Bad idea, my guts hate me. Insufficiently cooked dough is bad, mkay?

okay but definitely try this again, just parbake the crust next time and you'll be good to go

# ? Dec 21, 2022 04:10

Eat This Glob: Jan 14, 2008; God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?

I was having my first Christmas with my new girlfriend this year, and she knocked it out of the park - crab boil with twice as much crab legs in shells as anyone could eat.

Her, her dad, and I took half an hour and just shelled it all after we ate so we'd have some crab ready to eat. I thought I'd whip up dinner tonight and get that (roughly 8 ounces) of crab cooked up with some homemade alfredo that she also made yesterday with some nice fresh but store bought pasta and some steamed broccoli.

A combination of her daughter showing me stuff on her phone coupled with a fairly bad sense of smell had me put in what I thought was the alfredo into the pan and then I tossed the crab in to heat up and finally put cooked pasta in and shaved a bunch of nice parm on top.

Turns out, what I thought was alfredo was a ranch dip made with sour cream which was in need of being thrown out. I cooked up a big pan full of garbage tonight and now I gotta figure something else out to eat. Probably my worst cock-up since a mandolin-induced thumb circumcision sent me to the ER

# ? Dec 27, 2022 03:34

Mister Facetious: Apr 21, 2007; I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

Eat This Glob posted:

Probably my worst cock-up since a mandolin-induced thumb circumcision sent me to the ER

Did that at work with a knife while cutting dough years back. I literally feel your pain, especially from the stitches that came afterward. :glomp:

# ? Dec 27, 2022 03:38

Borsche69: May 8, 2014

Eat This Glob posted:

I was having my first Christmas with my new girlfriend this year, and she knocked it out of the park - crab boil with twice as much crab legs in shells as anyone could eat.

Her, her dad, and I took half an hour and just shelled it all after we ate so we'd have some crab ready to eat. I thought I'd whip up dinner tonight and get that (roughly 8 ounces) of crab cooked up with some homemade alfredo that she also made yesterday with some nice fresh but store bought pasta and some steamed broccoli.

A combination of her daughter showing me stuff on her phone coupled with a fairly bad sense of smell had me put in what I thought was the alfredo into the pan and then I tossed the crab in to heat up and finally put cooked pasta in and shaved a bunch of nice parm on top.

Turns out, what I thought was alfredo was a ranch dip made with sour cream which was in need of being thrown out. I cooked up a big pan full of garbage tonight and now I gotta figure something else out to eat. Probably my worst cock-up since a mandolin-induced thumb circumcision sent me to the ER

condolences. there's few feelings worse than wasting fresh picked crab. least you had a bunch of it the night before

# ? Dec 27, 2022 23:37

AnonSpore: Jan 19, 2012; "I didn't see the part where he develops as a character so I guess he never developed as a character"

Was eyeballing vodka to add into a vodka sauce, it splashed a bit onto the burner and the entire shabang ignited including the bit that had spilled on my hands. My first instinct was to put a big lid on the pan to smother the fire while my hands were still flaming. I made it out the other end without any harm done except the fine hairs on my hands, somehow.

# ? Dec 27, 2022 23:47

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 29, 2024 13:52

Atticus_1354: Dec 10, 2006; barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark

AnonSpore posted:

Was eyeballing vodka to add into a vodka sauce, it splashed a bit onto the burner and the entire shabang ignited including the bit that had spilled on my hands. My first instinct was to put a big lid on the pan to smother the fire while my hands were still flaming. I made it out the other end without any harm done except the fine hairs on my hands, somehow.

Sorry that doesn't even come close to the worst goon story about eyeballing drugs.

Glad you're alright. Burns are nasty.

# ? Dec 27, 2022 23:53

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Goons with Spoons > Cooking Cockups: Now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy

«‹›34 »