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PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

Hi. I help administrate a game called Space Station 13, where you control a 2d spaceman and you can beat someone to the ground with their own severed rear end, then finish them off by injecting their eyeballs with a mixture of their own vomit and the vomit of others. For some reason that I will ponder for the rest of my natural life, I accepted a dinner challenge from one of the ss13 guys. It... it didn't go well.

In 1924, Ettore Boiardi opened a restaurant on Woodland Avenue in Cleveland. His food was such a success and brought joy to so many people that only four years later, he opened a factory and began shipping his gustatory delights to families far and wide, eventually across the entire planet.

This is not one of those delights.

It was a battle lost by inches - changing the spelling of his name for the purposes of pronunciation here, cutting some corners with materials there, but the end result is that can of Human Chow that sits in every supermarket, almost always on sale for about a buck.

I have done terrible things to the contents of that can, and I want to go back in time.



The scene of the crime. One large can of 'beef' 'ravioli', a package of sub rolls, plates. Two saucepans. Two cans of carrots because I'll be goddamned if I feed this to my family without something they can look at to remember what nutrition used to be. To remember what we used to be. A single tear. I lift the can.



What's ravioli lasagna? A goddamned abomination by any measure, that's what.



gently caress you, ravioli lasagna. gently caress you right in half. I want to throw you into the caldera of an active volcano, and then cannonball in after you. End my life.



Well here we are. This looks... this looks used. I didn't notice it until I started writing this, but the bit of 'pasta' peeking up near the top of the image looks sort of like vulva. Dead vulva. Strangely, the mental image of a can of food filled with dead genitals isn't the most horrible thought I've had in the last two hours. I am going to answer for this meal after I die. I don't expect it to go particularly well. Sorry, applicable deity. I could only have failed you anyway.



There's that goddamned ravioli lasagna again. It's something to look at to distract you from the hot mess happening on the right hand side of the picture, at least. I cannot describe the sound it made, and even if I could, I wouldn't do that to you. Learn from my mistakes. Go and find the love there is in this world that I have so completely cut myself off from. Don't be like me. Don't be like me.



I'm not sure how well this comes through, but this poo poo is shiny. There's a goddamned oil slick atop the.. whatever this is. The carrots look on in abject terror. They know their fate is to be devoured, but not like this.

Never like this.



The crime in progress. What. Did you think I was going to clean my stove for this travesty? Do you think it matters? Do you think anything matters? I'm not being rhetorical, I honestly don't even know anymore.



I had to make the goatse joke. It's sort of like how when you see a video of someone about to leap off a building to their death, sometimes they look up at the clouds and smile a little. A tiny bit of levity before the moment of indescribable horror and then oblivion. I was not lucky enough to die.



The sub roll looks sort of like it's screaming here. I know its pain.



Although the carrots try, they can not escape. Escape was never a possibility for any of us. I feel like I have damned you all just by sharing my journey with you. Sorry. If I get there first, I'll save you a nice seat in Hell.



Meat should never be gray. Do they even pretend that this is meat. Note the blurry dog in the background. She's usually all up in my grill when we eat dinner, but showed exactly zero interest in tonight's golgothan horror. Animals are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.



It is done. The sauce stains my hand - no, my soul - like blood. I sort of wish it was my blood.



If my family finds this, know that I am very sorry for what I have inflicted upon you, and I will bear this suffering for all time. Forgiveness is too much to even dream of. All I ask is that you forget I ever existed. If you must speak of me when I am gone, leave this horrible night out. Let this sin die with me.

The worst thing was that I went back for seconds.

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Cpt. Spring Types
Feb 19, 2004

Wait, what?

You put those carrots on the plate just for the photos, didn't you?

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

I like carrots I was going to slice up some fresh ones I had in the fridge and steam them, but my wife needed them for a recipe tomorrow. I should take photos the next time she makes cassoulet, it's completely bonkers delicious.

I considered dressing up the carrots with a little pepper and sesame seeds, but figured that would be too much like applying gold leaf to a buboe.

WarpedNaba
Feb 8, 2012

Being social makes me swell!

I had canned pasta once. I can't remember if it was bad or not, but as a rule of thumb - NEVER EAT CANNED BEEF THAT ISN'T CORNED.

Also that's only one kind of vege you have there, no mushrooms or onions or Brussels sprouts or nuttin'. Poor form, Pope, poor form.

Chemmy
Feb 4, 2001



Congratulations on eating some Chef Boyardee and a piece of bread, I guess.

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

WarpedNaba posted:

I had canned pasta once. I can't remember if it was bad or not, but as a rule of thumb - NEVER EAT CANNED BEEF THAT ISN'T CORNED.

Also that's only one kind of vege you have there, no mushrooms or onions or Brussels sprouts or nuttin'. Poor form, Pope, poor form.

I actually considered finding a way to do this in a way that WASN'T a goddamned nightmare, and was considering making ravioli filled with oyster mushrooms and shallots, cooked and then lightly sauced in a little olive oil and garlic, served on something with a little body like a baguette or some good potato bread. I loving love potato bread.

And it is hard to get decent Brussels sprouts in Juneau sometimes. It's loving gorgeous here, but the weirdest and most arbitrary things are just UTTERLY UNAVAILABLE sometimes (barring frozen, and I'd rather go without Brussels sprouts than settle for frozen ones).

Cabadillo
Jan 1, 2004

Adorable and Nutritious

It's pretty telling how awful Chef Boyardee is when it looks less appealing than recipes that are intentionally made to be disgusting in photographic form.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


Chemmy posted:

Congratulations on eating some Chef Boyardee and a piece of bread, I guess.

He also composed prose whilst and, (as I would likely not have done) showed his face.

You know, had you included as thirst quencher a frosty MountainDew, and had you replaced your canned carrots with Cheetos, I could almost have respected this. Much as once a work of art crosses a certain threshold of terrible I can't help but come to love it. "Oh, dear me. How delightfully absurd!" I would remark to myself.

Even with your simple ingredients, you could have vastly improved it with naught else but toasting the bread.

Alternatively, you could have added some butter (for lubrication) and then shoved it up your rear end. I'd wager it'd come apart with how soggy it appeared, so you may need to do multiple chunks, but STICK WITH IT! It would have come out looking the same either way in the end, and at least this way you wouldn't have had to taste it. Your "friends" would have probably considered you still to have completed their little wager regardless of orifice through which it was consumed. This, "idea" of theirs had nothing to do with food and they knew it.

If you recreate this with MountainDew and Cheetoes, and toast your loving bread, I will buy you a new avatar.

I enjoy this thread.

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

I was THIS CLOSE to grilling the bread in a little beef tallow before service, but realized that there was only so much you can do to polish a turd. I also really didn't want to deal with the possibility that if I polished it up too far, I might actually ENJOY this culinary abortion. I only went back for seconds because I was still hungry (missed lunch) and didn't want to make something else.

And I am proud of the fact that Mountain Dew and/or Cheetos haven't entered my home in years. Of course, I sort of shot that all to hell with this shitshow, but you take the little victories when you can get them. (Also I really like my avatar)

(from below)

Agent Interrobang posted:

Chef Boyardee ravioli is 'food' the same way BYOND is a 'game engine.' It's technically true, and yet that surface truth does not begin to scratch the depth and horror of the reality.
Try administrating it. People wonder why I drink.

PopeCrunch fucked around with this message at Sep 10, 2013 around 06:35

Agent Interrobang
Mar 27, 2010

zeon thirsts for the steez of her people


Chef Boyardee ravioli is 'food' the same way BYOND is a 'game engine.' It's technically true, and yet that surface truth does not begin to scratch the depth and horror of the reality.

particle409
Jan 15, 2008

Thou bootless clapper-clawed varlot!


I don't know what they put in that orange stuff/sauce, but it gives me ridiculous gas. I could eat a family-sized portion of garlic fettucini alfredo and be fine, but two bites of that canned stuff and I become a power farter.

Fluffy Bunnies
Jan 9, 2009

Half Dog.

Half Horse.

All Awesome.

particle409 posted:

I don't know what they put in that orange stuff/sauce, but it gives me ridiculous gas. I could eat a family-sized portion of garlic fettucini alfredo and be fine, but two bites of that canned stuff and I become a power farter.

Eat a breakfast of that canned stuff, go Black Friday shopping.

OP, you'd have been fine if you'd toasted your bread, added some velveeta and paired it with chicken cheese.

The Midniter
Jul 9, 2001



I don't understand - what WAS the dinner challenge, exactly? Eat a Chef Boyardee ravioli sandwich? Uh, congrats on "winning" I guess?

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

The Midniter posted:

I don't understand - what WAS the dinner challenge, exactly? Eat a Chef Boyardee ravioli sandwich? Uh, congrats on "winning" I guess?

Okay this bears a little explanation yeah. In the game, there's a fictional company called Discount Dan's that makes mildly toxic convenience foods - instant noodles laced with nicotine, burritoes flavored with radioactive isotopes, that sort of thing. Somewhere in space, you can find the Discount Dan Offices, and on one of the desks, you'll find a notecard:

The coder who added that adds a lot of interesting food-like items, and occasionally pokes at the rest of the crew to actually make and try one. A different person made a Banana Dog - a hot dog wrapped in banana bread instead of cornbread batter - and it was widely regarded as a particularly crude form of intestinal suicide. I tried the Dessert Tamales previously - cheesecake piped onto a bed of graham cracker crumbs and rolled around - and they were actually pretty good.

I could have toasted the buns / served along with a better side / rinsed that orange sludge off the ravioli and attempted to dress it up with something you could actually call sauce and not be laughed at, but I figured 1) the spirit of the meal idea was something you'd find in an off-brand knockoff 7-11, and 2) I sort of didn't want to risk making this good, in case I felt an urge to inflict this upon my body in the future.

Miserable Maid
Apr 22, 2010


I don't get it. It honestly doesn't seem THAT bad, just like crappy sandwich you'd buy from 7-11 or something.

Not to be a dick, but you don't exactly look like a paragon of health, anyway

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

Miserable Maid posted:

I don't get it. It honestly doesn't seem THAT bad, just like crappy sandwich you'd buy from 7-11 or something.

Not to be a dick, but you don't exactly look like a paragon of health, anyway

Honestly it wasn't soulcrushingly terrible (though I was munching antacids like fuckin' skittles all night, and if I am ever in the same room as 'ravioli lasagna' i am going to murder myself in the most expedient way possible). It wasn't GOOD, but it was.. yeah, a crappy forgettable sandwich from a convenience store, which is honestly what I was aiming for. I originally posted this on the forum we have for the game, and a couple people pointed out that it would be potentially hilarious to throw this here too.

And yeah I'm fat. I used to be a shitload fatter, though. Dietary changes, exercise, and lifestyle changes in general have led to me losing a little under a hundred pounds from my highest weight, though. It's a slow process, but honestly fast weight loss is pretty terrible.

therattle
Jul 24, 2007

I'm a family man - I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, H.W.


OP, I enjoyed your post. Very good, carry on. Haters be hatin'.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


PopeCrunch posted:

I sort of didn't want to risk making this good, in case I felt an urge to inflict this upon my body in the future.

I'm confused why you felt the need to eat it at all; you took the pictures, challenge completed.

edit: Don't get me wrong; I enjoy this thread too, hatin' though I may be. I enjoy the hate.

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

Tweek posted:

I'm confused why you felt the need to eat it at all; you took the pictures, challenge completed.

edit: Don't get me wrong; I enjoy this thread too, hatin' though I may be. I enjoy the hate.

Curiosity killed the cat('s gastrointestinal tract). I couldn't exactly make it and not at least TRY it, and since I missed lunch, I figured ugh god I've eaten worse, might as well.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


PopeCrunch posted:

Curiosity killed the cat('s gastrointestinal tract).

Yeah, I know. You then took said tract and placed it 'twixt two slices of bread and ate it. We all saw the pics.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


You know what? Consider yourself called out.

contrapants
Mar 9, 2013

Maybe aliens are colorblind?


Tweek posted:

You know what? Consider yourself called out.



I now feel I must toast any bread in sight, including loaves that just came out of the oven.

PopeCrunch, go with a Chef Boyardee bruschetta next time.

Polybious
Aug 13, 2013

by Y Kant Ozma Post


Eat canned food and a bun??
Thats bullshit dude!

Polybious fucked around with this message at Sep 11, 2013 around 11:50

Donnerberg
Dec 15, 2008

Fourtyk you say?

It's not a promo for the game or its off-site forum, which are both largely driven by Games goons anyway. He documented making a bad meal and was persuaded to cross post it here. Let's not focus on the road taken, but instead watch as it reaches its inedible conclusion in the call-out thread.

PopeCrunch
Feb 13, 2004

internets

Polybious posted:

Eat canned food and a bun??
Thats bullshit dude!

I saw this before the edit. I'll make a side wager with you - if I lose the callout thread, I will buy you a custom title certificate to get rid of the very, very apt redtext you have. If I WIN the callout thread, you will donate at least $10 OR two hours of your time to the soup kitchen / homeless shelter / other charity of your choice. Deal?

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


It was a good idea for you to have made Chef Boyardee ravioli into a sandwich and posted a thread about it.

Sonrisa
Aug 13, 2004

Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?

For the same amount of money you could've bought your rear end a can of Manwich and at least had some meat in there instead of carb pillows squished between two carb slabs. Hell, throwing the carrots into the Manwich mix would've given you a prop or two.

But this...

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


Sonrisa posted:

For the same amount of money you could've bought your rear end a can of Manwich and at least had some meat in there instead of carb pillows squished between two carb slabs. Hell, throwing the carrots into the Manwich mix would've given you a prop or two.

But this...

If you don't like it, maybe you should challenge him to a cookoff...

Sonrisa
Aug 13, 2004

Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?

Tweek posted:

If you don't like it, maybe you should challenge him to a cookoff...

Naw, dog. I'd challenge him to a Warm-Up, since this was all it was. And I'd still rock it hard.

TATPants
Mar 28, 2011


Sonrisa posted:

Naw, dog. I'd challenge him to a Warm-Up, since this was all it was. And I'd still rock it hard.

/Kanye_West

r nasty
Nov 25, 2013
Probation
Can't post for 4080 days!


look on the bright side op. judging by the pic you posted, your sandwich experience didn't make you any less cool

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

mindphlux
Jan 8, 2004

ich esse keine suppe - nein
ich esse meine suppe nicht
nein, meine suppe ess' ich nicht






angerbeet you're alright by me

gently caress this thread

pandaK
May 5, 2011

It's like a fairy circle!


oops

pants cat
Mar 15, 2005


Any takers for this Pakistani recipe for SPECIAL CHEESE SANDWICH? Oh it's special alright.

Mix together 1 chopped onion, 2 3 chopped green chilies and 100 gm grated cheddar cheese.
Add in 3 tbsp tomato ketchup, half flower of chopped ice berg, salt to taste, tsp black pepper, tsp chili powder, 1 tbsp mustard paste and 3 tbsp mayonnaise.
Now put a little cheese mixture on each bread slice, cover with another slice.
Toast in a grill pan with a little butter or mayonnaise until golden brown.
Now cut into wedges and serve with ketchup.



Mmmm, you can see the ketchup oozing out the side!

Juice Box Hero
Jan 10, 2007

one guitaaaar


Yum, I love hot iceberg lettuce.

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Sjurygg
Nov 7, 2008



Indian sandwiches are weird. Looks good though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meNgZdu8tIk

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