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omnibobb posted:Ugh, cool babies rock. I worked in a military clinic and was walking through a waiting area and there was a toddler chilling against a pillar and wearing sun glases. There was no immidiate parent around, but plenty of people in the waiting area so I figured this kid was being supervised. As I walked past I waved at the kid and he gave me a thumbs up.
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Nov 13, 2013 22:02
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 16:33 |
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A Buttery Pastry posted:Sounds like the kid was the one doing the supervising. You're lucky you passed his ocular patdown. No duster.
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Nov 13, 2013 22:06
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omnibobb posted:No duster.
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Nov 13, 2013 22:12
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When I was in 8th grade I carpooled with two other families to our K thru 8 school. So it was myself, an 11 year old, an eight year old, and a three year old. The three year old said some wonderful things. After pulling out some gum he was chewing once, he announced: "It's yellow...like a penis." Sounds like a medical issue, kid. In another instance, when he was being difficult about getting into his child seat, he threatened me with "I'm gonna kick you in the butt, with a chair!"
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Nov 13, 2013 22:15
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Last night at work I had to give medicine to a 4 year old. She was not happy and at one point her mother was holding her down to make it easier. The little girl stopped crying for a second and deadpanned "Mom, why are you betraying me like this?" It took everything I had to not laugh at her. My friends granddaughter was upset with me once because I wouldn't let her run around with scissors. She looked at me and put her hand on her chest and said, "LoveMeDead, you are breaking my heart."
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Nov 13, 2013 22:52
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My almost-3 year old was sitting on the toilet a week and a half ago or so, singing the conga line song, but with the word "penis". So I was hearing "Penis, penis, PEEEE-NIS! Penis, penis, PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-NIS!" for a good ten minutes. A few days ago, he was dancing around the living room, telling us about everyone who has a penis.  : AND DADDY HAS A PENIS AND JIM HAS A PENIS AND GRANDMA HAS A PENIS AND MOMMY-Then the kid stops dead and stares at me for a solid thirty seconds of deep contemplation. : Mommy DOESN'T have a penis. It fell OFF.Cue a couple of days later and he comes RUNNING out of the bathroom at me with one of my wrapped tampons, and breathlessly demands: : MOMMY IS THIS YOUR PENIS? BECAUSE IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM CABINET AND I ASKED DADDY AND HE SAID IT GOES IN MOMMY'S PANTS AND SO IS IT YOUR PENIS BECAUSE IT FELL OFF?!He also adores telling people "Well isn't THAT just special?" whenever they tell him anything. I have no idea how to explain sarcasm and how him saying that could be considered rude, cause he's two.
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Nov 13, 2013 23:44
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My little sister used to babysit for a 4 year old kid with some weird ideas about memory. Sister: Okay, we're gonna play hide and seek. You hide first. Kid: I'm gonna hide in the closet. Sister: No no, don't tell me. I'll know where to look for you. Kid: Oh don't worry, you'll forget. 
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Nov 15, 2013 03:08
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I have one daughter, and (un) fortunately it appears that she has my sense of humor and my mouth. When she was three, in order to reach her preschool, we would have to drive through some residential streets that would be reduced to one-laners due to parked cars. It seems like not one person understands the rules of right-of-way in these parts, which would cause me to develop Tourette's. Well, one of these mornings, the idiots were particularly bad, so I started cussing out my steering wheel. From the back seat, in a perfect dead-pan voice, I hear "We don't call people 'fuckheads'". For this tidbit, you need to understand that I'm a woman. Same year, I had parked and was getting her out of her car seat for preschool. My standard line was "Come on, Cutie-patootie with the itty bitty booty!" Without missing a beat, she pops off with "I don't have an itty-bitty booty. I have a great big booty like YOURS!" Dammit
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Nov 15, 2013 07:24
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Some years ago, I was at a small town car place for an oil change. I parked the car, and as I got out, a probably 4 or so year old boy and his dad came out. The kid had his T shirt pulled back behind his head. Like, he'd pulled the neck hole off over his head. The whole shirt rested across the back of his shoulders. As he approached where I was, he looked at me, his eyes got loving HUGE, and he shrieked "DON'T SEE ME!!" as he covered his nipples with his hands and ran for his dad's truck. I told my husband about this, and he still sometimes tells me not to see him if he looks up from something and catches me looking at him.
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Nov 15, 2013 07:24
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Lolitas Alright! posted:My almost-3 year old was sitting on the toilet a week and a half ago or so, singing the conga line song, but with the word "penis". So I was hearing "Penis, penis, PEEEE-NIS! Penis, penis, PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-NIS!" for a good ten minutes. I'm sorry to tell you this but your 3 year old owns 
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Nov 15, 2013 09:03
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All week long my son (3) has been whining about not wanting to go to school. He's had a mild cold but nothing worth keeping him home for. I had to take a half day at work today already for errands and a dogs medical appointment so I decided to make it a full day and let him stay home with me. He flipped his poo poo and threw a tantrum about how he had to go to school today because it's show and tell day.
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Nov 15, 2013 13:43
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My 15 month old daughter is constantly getting into stuff, so I've taught her to hand me anything she has in her hand if I say "thank you". I was warned by my dad that this was a bad idea, and now I know why. This morning she grabbed my (thankfully empty) coffee cup and ran off with it shouting "FANKOO! FANKOO!" and laughing at me. My dad laughed at me too.
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Nov 15, 2013 16:55
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My cousin, when he was about 8, fell in love with Emma Watson. When someone told him that the chances are, he wouldn't get to marry Emma he said; "I'll just make my wife wear a mask all the time so she looks like Emma instead!"
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Nov 15, 2013 17:11
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Last night I'm with my girlfriend and her 6 year old daughter asks me what my favorite movie is. I think for a second and tell her Ghostbusters. She immediately demands to watch it with me RIGHT NOW. Two things happened that were amazing: 1. She laughed her rear end off at the best gag in the movie "The flowers are STILL STANDING!" 2. The end comes and Staypuft has exploded and people are running around screaming. She is totally aghast and annoyed and yells "Come ON people! It's marshmallow! START EATING!"
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Nov 15, 2013 17:19
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When my cousin was about 4, He had a set of swimming gear that included 2 flippered "gloves" and a pair of goggles with a shark fin that went on his head. Similar to this: We were on a family beach trip and my dad (who loves to poke fun at everyone) started calling my cousin silly names like "Fishface" and "Finhead" They went back and forth with my cousin returning fire with names like "Doody" and "poo poo head" etc. while getting increasingly frustrated. Then with an air of finality he yells "OH YEAH?! Well You're A PENIS!!" Like he has said the worst word in the entire universe. Dad had no comeback to that one. He was too busy laughing. My Aunt and Uncle were mortified. Yesterday I was babysitting my friend's 2 year old. He was napping when I arrived and once he woke up, it fell to me to change his way-too-full stinky diaper. I laid him down on his bed with a towel under his rear-end. As I started changing him he babbled on about how stinky he was. Then he looks at me dead in the eyes, completely serious and tells me "You'd better not get stinky on my bed. I have to lay here."
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Nov 15, 2013 17:34
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Back when Aaron Rogers of the Greenbay Packers started doing the belt motion thing (which then came to be called the discount double-check), I was throwing the football around with my little cousin at thanksgiving... Out of nowhere he asks: "Did they start giving out wrestling belts for the super bowl? I thought you got a ring."
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Nov 15, 2013 20:23
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It's always a little weird to have a conversation with someone while I'm changing their diaper. I was changing a two year old's diaper and he scrunched his face up and said "yucky". I said, "Yeah, it's pretty gross, you should learn to use the toilet" and he rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation and retorted, "I know, I know." Just a little surreal. I ended up making him take a bath because there was no way I could get him clean with wipes.
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Nov 15, 2013 20:24
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My two year old is like a walking non-sequitur. Out of no where: "We don't eat our shoes!" Um, no, we don't. Good observation there! He also sleeps with a toy bulldozer and a silicon oven mitt. Yeah, I dunno. I had to draw the line with the kitchen tongs, because they're kind of sharp and pokey. He also asks for a beer, regularly. Like this morning in the car at the grocery store: "Mommy, can I just has a beer pweese?" Sorry, no. It's not noon yet. Also, the "Do we..." series. "Do we hit our friends? NOOOO." Okay, thanks nursery school. Solid stuff. "Do we hug our friends? YEEEESSS!" Aww, good job there buddy! "Do we grab our friends? NOOOO." Cool. "Do we push our friends? NOOOO." Okay. "Do we drag our friends? NOOOO." Um, these are getting a little disturbingly specific and increasingly violent here. "Do we look at our friends poop? NOOOO." Seriously kid? What do you do at school exactly?! My older one, during potty training, likened my husband's penis to an elephant's trunk. Mr. Cookie's ego was insufferable for a while after that. 
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Nov 15, 2013 20:54
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My 3.5 year old niece threw a tantrum in the bathroom because she walked in on PopPop peeing and he informed her that he didn't need any toilet paper because he's a boy. Then while my dad was trying to finish up as quickly as he could to get out of the bathroom so that my sister in law could come get her screaming baby, she abruptly stopped crying and followed him out to yell at him for not washing his hands when he was done.
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Nov 15, 2013 21:03
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My four year old names most of his stuffed toys, as usual, but he names them after their colour or things that he likes, thus his new stuffed polar bear 'Whitey Cracker'.
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Nov 15, 2013 22:07
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The other day I was having a discussion with my five year old about cutting his hair. I joked that no one at school would recognise him and they'd think he's a different person. My son laughed and replied, "yeah, I could totally troll them."
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Nov 15, 2013 22:23
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Kids posted:
I was hanging out with my youngest cousins one day -- they would have been early in elementary school at the time -- and as brothers are wont to do, they decided to start throwing out insults at each other. I'm sure there was a healthy share of "buttface" and "poophead" but the one that stands out was the  from the younger one: You have a big penis! Nuh-uh
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Nov 15, 2013 23:05
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about penises
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I've posted this story in a different thread long ago, but I will tell it here anyway: I was babysitting two little boys (aged 2 and 4) and was serving them dinner. The 2-year-old was in his high chair, and I was leaning over him when he looked up at me, gave a winning smile, and said, "You look like Mommy!" At first I was touched. "Aw," I told him, "that's so sweet." But then it occurred to me that I don't look very much like his mother. "Wait, how do I look like your mommy?" Still beaming, he answered: "You have big tits!" I decided I must have misheard him. I asked him to repeat himself, and he did so - "You have big tits!" I asked for clarification. "I have big...tits?" "YES!" he squealed with delight. "Where did you learn a word like that?" "From [the city we live in]!" That made sense: the kids' parents take them uptown to a lot of ball games and festivals and the like, so he probably overheard some people at one of these events talking about tits and added the word to his vocabulary. I quickly explained that it wasn't a nice word to use, dropped the subject, and told the parents about it when they got home. Problem solved, right? A couple of weeks later, he asked me to marry him. I told him he could ask me again in 20 years.:bigtran:
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Nov 16, 2013 02:13
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We were at a restaurant and my som dropped his fork and grabbed mine out of my hand and said "haha got your fork." Then took a bite, then looked at my wife and said "daddy doesnt have his fork anymore" and then took another bite. My wife's airman is a cutie and our regular babysitter. She watched our kids all day while we were moving. When we came home, my son asked us if Ms. Jessica could come live with us. I told him no, she'd have no where to sleep. He said she could share his bed.
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Nov 16, 2013 03:17
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Apparently when I was 2 or 3 I didn't talk. I had no words, according to my parents I was totally mute. Until one day, I was in my cot at my grandparents place. My grandmother had a moneybox that she would put spare change in, telling me it was my moneybox for a rainy day/grew up. This moneybox was on a shelf across from my cot, and my mother sneaked in one day, thinking I was asleep, and raided the moneybox. It was at this point I stood up and bellowed my first ever words: "Put that back, it's mine!" Scared the hell out of my mother.
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Nov 16, 2013 06:47
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When my brother was little (2ish? 3ish?) and his dad was showering, he took him with so they could both get clean and save some time. Apparently, he pointed at his dad's penis and exclaimed, "GOOFY!" and started laughing. He insisted on calling penises goofies for a long time after that. When mom took him to the park he would keep yelling "NOOOOOO! Cock stink!" and flailing around every time she took him near the pond. Her and his dad were completely baffled as to a) Where he picked up the term, and b) Why he was screaming it hysterically. Apparently he was trying to say "toxic" and the reason he was freaking out was because he thought the algae on the pond looked like the radioactive goo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. One time, my mother was taking me over to my aunt's house. I was like... 4? My aunt loved the herb, but it didn't make her any more chill. Mom was putting me in the car and said "We're going to Aunt J's house now". Apparently I crossed my arms, looked her in the eye and said, dead serious, "I don't want to go there. She's a bitch." It caught my mom off guard, but she just agreed with me and said I had to go anyway.
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Nov 16, 2013 19:19
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Mom and I were driving somewhere with my half-brother, about 5 at the time, in the backseat. Out of nowhere he said, in a thoughtful voice, "I want to take off people's skin so I can see what they look like underneath..." One from when I was a kid: I've always loved animals, and would make my mom read me books about them. Apparently one day we read a book about grizzly bears and how the females get fierce and protective of their cubs. I started growling and swiping at mom, and when she asked what I was doing, I went "I AM AN ANGRY FEMALE!" Not much has changed since then
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Nov 16, 2013 22:57
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As a little kid I thought if you went in a spaceship long enough you'd reach the end of the universe and if you left the universe you were God and could do whatever you want. I was very angry when the nuns in my preschool were not happy and didn't believe my scientific fact. Another ideaa I thought up as a kid and just assumed was fact was Butt Planet. The planet looked like a butt and when meteors fell and created craters, the crates would transform into butts. When the teacher took it away from me, I got very angry and started yelling about how Butt Planet was real and she was lying to me.
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Nov 17, 2013 00:03
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I work at a middle/high school, teaching a Title 1 class. It's for students that, for whatever reason, don't do well on tests. Student: What this word, "whore shipping"? Me: "Worshiping". Student: Ahhh, I see. Never mind. Another student, who had a history of being a holy terror before he calmed down for the most part, had a question for me concerning one of his former teachers. Student: Mrs. Something Positive, I think Mr. Former Teacher hates me. Me: Naw, he just doesn't approve of some of your past choices. Student: When I try to be friendly, he just acts like I'm not there or tells me to go away! Me: Um, he...just remembers you from the 7th grade. Student: Oh. *thoughtful pause* Doesn't he know it's unhealthy to hold a grudge?
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Nov 18, 2013 04:17
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A couple of weeks ago my 6 year old nephew was complaining about how noisy his pants were for like an hour. Then he said to me "I think whoever made these pants, it was their first day making pants."
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Nov 18, 2013 05:59
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One from me, circa 5 years old: My mom was recording a message for our answering machine and I demanded to be on the tape. All I did was giggle and say "bye" at the end of the message. A couple of weeks later, I listened to the message and heard how high pitched my voice was, and said "I think that was when I was a girl."
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Nov 18, 2013 07:17
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Aphrodite posted:A couple of weeks ago my 6 year old nephew was complaining about how noisy his pants were for like an hour. Hey, for every pants maker out there this has got to be true one time.
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Nov 18, 2013 08:00
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More silly student quotes: (first grade writing/listening exercises) ME: "Number one, 'It's a blue cat.'" THOMAS: (best student ever) "You're a blue cat!" ME: "Maybe! Okay, number two: 'The violin is on the chair.'" THOMAS: "YOU'RE A CHAIR!" ME: "You might be right! Oh, Rebecca, you need a period there." THOMAS: "YOU'RE A PERIOD!!!!!!" Same kid: "I will play Mozart on the tuba for you!"
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Nov 18, 2013 09:58
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I just remembered, when I was around six years old, I told my parents I wanted to be a cashier when I grow up. Because people just hand them money all day every day, it must be the coolest job ever, right?
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Nov 19, 2013 00:28
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sicDaniel posted:I just remembered, when I was around six years old, I told my parents I wanted to be a cashier when I grow up. Because people just hand them money all day every day, it must be the coolest job ever, right? My grandfather worked for an airline so we were always flying. I told my grandparents I wanted to be a trash lady like the ones on the planes when I grew up (flight attendant). I also used to demand to watch Monkey Dodo all the goddamned time. Monkey Dodo was my 3 year old way of saying Jungle Book.
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Nov 19, 2013 01:08
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My 4 year old was finished pooping and yelled from the bathroom: Son: "Dad! I'm done pooping!" Me: "Are you sure you're done?" Son: "Yeah, I'm done. The poop mayor came out." Me: "What? Did you say the poop mayor?" Son: "Yah. The biggest poop that came out was the poop mayor because it was fat like a mayor." 
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Nov 19, 2013 03:22
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/\/\ Haha! My five year old categorizes his poops based on their size and shape. He'll tell me he did two golf balls and a sausage poop. My husband also taught the two year old to announce that he has a "steaming dump". He will be manning the parent-teacher conference that eventually addresses this. I never in my life thought I would talk about poop on a daily basis the way you do when you have little kids. Edit: PS, if you can teach him to call the mayor poop Rob Ford, you win a drink from the fire hose.
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Nov 19, 2013 03:26
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My two year old niece got glittery Chapstick and decided to slather it all over her face so she would be pretty. After silently laughing at her for a minute or so, I took away the Chapstick and informed her: "Maybe that's enough pretty for now." Her: "Give it!" Me:"Say please" Her:"Please God Damnit!!" Needless to say, I gave it back to her Another gem was when we were playing some game with princesses and dragons and she decided I should be the princess and she would be the dragon. When I asked her why she wasn't the princess, she yelled, "I evil!" and ran away flapping her arms
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Nov 19, 2013 03:37
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The other day a friend of mine and I were taking our kids to go eat. He has a yellow camero that he's making look like the one from Transformers, so his son (5) told my daughter (6) we were going for a ride in Bumblebee. Halfway there my daughter wanted to know when he was "gonna make his car stand up". Then in the middle of lunch his kiddo got very excited about the walnuts and loudly proclaimed "I LOVE DESE NUTS!" The other night my daughter wanted to know who would be on the penny if Abraham Lincoln was still alive. I had no idea what to say to that.
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Nov 19, 2013 05:06
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 16:33 |
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spixxor posted:The other day a friend of mine and I were taking our kids to go eat. He has a yellow camero that he's making look like the one from Transformers, so his son (5) told my daughter (6) we were going for a ride in Bumblebee. Halfway there my daughter wanted to know when he was "gonna make his car stand up".
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Nov 19, 2013 08:05
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