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OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


I sold a perfect, amazingly fun to drive, fully functional 2002 Crown Victoria Police Interceptor to fund this financial trainwreck. It's a 1975 Honda Civic with the 1.2L non-CVCC inline 4.



I made the rookie mistake of literally throwing a pile of money at them before even so much as test driving it because I for one enjoy the sublime feeling of carefully placing one's scrotum in a door jam and then flinging it shut as hard as I can manage. I repeat this process over and over until finally the sweet darkness takes me and I can no longer feel anything at all. My terrible mutilated genitalia stand testament to this process, repeated over and over again through the years and yet somehow, I still find my way home.



She's a little rough around the edges, but that's okay because I'm in familiar territory now. I know what to expect. The Crown Vic was plain, reliable, a work horse. It was the Frau Bleucher in my stable, the one you know you can count on. But it's not what I need. Deep down inside, I know that I need someone to spit on me, make me bleed and cry, and to treat me like the emotional tampon I know I truly am.









Mechanically, it's terrifying. The engine purred when I fired it up so I just bought it and off I went. To find out that there's something seriously wrong with the brakes, it's only braking with one wheel right now, and only all the way down at the very bottom. I'm pretty sure that it's the right front that brakes, because if you push down hard and bottom the pedal out the right front locks, it veers, and I crap my pants. It also misfires under load, it feels like spark or fuel related. Oh, also when I let off the gas and coast there is a horrific metallic growling from the rear end. It smells of mildew and rat piss, there's moss growing in the carpet, and the odometer doesnt work.

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CharlesM
May 9, 2004


You're like a woman who seeks out abusive men, you seek out someone like your daddy or something except it's cars. Or if things are going too well you find a way to make the relationship unhealthy.
Didn't you have one of these already?

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


I had an '80 hatchback I got for free from Quadpus that dropped a valve on the freeway, and I had an '82 hatchback automatic that I bought for $300, did some minor elbow grease, and sold for $900. Those are both 2nd gens though, and quite a bit larger than the Mk 1. It's only 59 inches wide

I drove this one home 46 miles from Puyallup white knuckled in honest terror the entire way. I made it roughly halfway give or take with my chase car, stopped in Seatac for gas only to find that I couldn't find my phone. Turns out I left it at the previous owners house. It was at this point my chase car went home, so I drove the Civic back in the dark with only a vague idea of where I was heading, got my phone, found it had died, and then proceeed to make the trip back to Ballard flying solo without a lifeline. Good times.

Hypnolobster
Apr 12, 2007

What this sausage party needs is a big dollop of ketchup! Too bad I didn't make any.


I am extremely excited about this. It can only go well.






Or it'll end up being the most reliable and boring but clapped out vehicle yet.

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


When I was driving it back, I was brainstorming the 'Event Horizon' post I did in misc chat and I went HOLD ON BABY BEAR out loud to no one in particular an suddenly lost all electrical and lights and a terrible noise happened from under the hood and the BRAKE FAILURE warning light lit up and it started bucking real bad, and I asked the car if it preferred to be called Justin and it all smoothed back out and the headlights came back on. Not even kidding.

anime sarah palin
Oct 12, 2013

by Pipski


How hard would it be to do a D series swap, or even an EK1? A lot more power and reliability, either way.

goatse guy
Jan 23, 2007



What sort of childhood trauma causes someone to purposely seek out cars that will hurt them emotionally?

Have you considered therapy?

VikingSkull
Jul 23, 2008

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sk-

*CRUNCH*


That is a glorious piece of poo poo.

Holdbrooks
Dec 31, 2004



VikingSkull posted:

That is a piece of poo poo.

yep, you said it!

dubzee
Oct 23, 2008


When I read your post in the misc thread I thought "bet he got some tiny japanese thing like a Z600"



I was this close. Godspeed, you crazy Dick.

meatpimp
May 15, 2004

Psst... wanna buy some high quality meat?


13 INCH DICK posted:

She's a little rough around the edges, but that's okay because I'm in familiar territory now. I know what to expect. The Crown Vic was plain, reliable, a work horse. It was the Frau Bleucher in my stable, the one you know you can count on. But it's not what I need. Deep down inside, I know that I need someone to spit on me, make me bleed and cry, and to treat me like the emotional tampon I know I truly am.

I love you, 1413 INCH DICK.

Did you at least make money on the CV?

Seat Safety Switch
May 27, 2008

Ask me about my slow EJ25.

Oh man it doesn't even have door cards.

At least it should be easier to park than the Vic.

Phone
Jul 30, 2005

brb, shortcut

Why didn't you buy that AW11?

Motronic
Nov 6, 2009

KEEP BACK 200 FEET

Resident Rover


Seat Safety Switch posted:

Oh man it doesn't even have door cards.

Yeah, those should be easy to find.

meatpimp posted:

Did you at least make money on the CV?

If I recall correctly from misc chat, this steaming pile cost more than what he got for it.

14, you must be doing this for our entertainment.

Super Aggro Crag
Apr 23, 2008

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, etc etc...


Diggin' the car dude. Can't wait to see updates of the progress!

cursedshitbox
May 20, 2012

Includes 10 poo bags!


Motronic posted:

Yeah, those should be easy to find.


14, you must be doing this for our entertainment.

cut from corrugated cardboard, wrap in vinyl. done!

and I seriously think he is.

Backov
Mar 28, 2010


So how much did this sweet pile of 1975 Japanese rust cost then? I missed it in the misc thread.

I'm jealous though, I love these old Hondas.

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


Look guys it will be different this time

Motronic
Nov 6, 2009

KEEP BACK 200 FEET

Resident Rover


13 INCH DICK posted:

Look guys it will be different this time

Thread title.

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


I INVESTED $1300 into this fine survivor, which will surely give me many years of enjoyment and reliability. Plus, it's so tiny

Mat_Drinks
Nov 18, 2002

mmm that Royal Purple gets my engine runnin'

I'm on board with this old guy... 'Justin'. That's a solid name.

It looks like the original single stage paint too? Any rust, how is the body work?

As for the smell, is the carpet salvageable? If it is I've got a pressure washer, we can pull it, douse it in simple green and spray the hell out of it, then let it hang dry in my garage (which has heat so it'll go relatively fast). To get rid of the rest of the mustiness and get it back to normal old car smell, consider one of theses: http://www.griotsgarage.com/product...sortby=ourPicks I stuck one in Ol' Red when I bought her because she was a bit gamey and it's worked wonders (imo).

Any plans to side draft it and get some fury out of that 1.2?

mafoose
Oct 30, 2006

volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs and vulvas and dogs and volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs and volvos and dongs and volvos and dons and volvos and dogs and volvos and cats and volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs and volvos and dogs


VTEC single cam swap time?
(+turbo)

I feel like you should loose an inch every time you buy a new "project."

Jonny 290
May 5, 2005


fully trained greenskeeper


This clearly needs either a V-twin or electric swap.

yyyyyy
Jan 13, 2013

by T. Finninho


12a rotary swap please

Geirskogul
Jan 15, 2011

Time for the night shift.

mafoose posted:

VTEC single cam swap time?
(+turbo)

I feel like you should loose an inch every time you buy a new "project."

So, back up to 14, then?

iv46vi
Apr 2, 2010


It already has a bull bar, so naturally four inch lift and rally tires must happen.

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


Oh, um. Hm.

kastein
Aug 31, 2011

Jeep Whisperer


That's just spider poop, disregard it. They had a proper rager when they arrived at the promised land and saw your shining face.

Rhyno
Mar 22, 2003

Original Sin Murderer
Wild Guess #627
John Byrne

John Byrne is tired of stepping up to the plate. John Byrne is tired of "doing the right thing" and getting f**ked up the ass for his troubles. John Byrne is tired of being lied to. John Byrne is tired of you.


I'm glad somebody's still being irresponsible in AI.

Jared592
Jan 23, 2003
JARED NUMBERS: BACK IN ACTION


Bookmarked after this:

quote:

Deep down inside, I know that I need someone to spit on me, make me bleed and cry, and to treat me like the emotional tampon I know I truly am.

Really though, I was looking for the bookmark button based on username alone.

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


Baby Bear noooooooo



Rear chamber is empty and all 4 wheels and lines look dry

iv46vi
Apr 2, 2010


Failed while it was sitting or did those brown puddles happen otherwise?

It looks like UF now makes more practical car purchases.

Seat Safety Switch
May 27, 2008

Ask me about my slow EJ25.

Disc brake conversion?

CommieGIR
Aug 22, 2006

Knee deep in the V.A.G.

This looks like a trail of tears waiting to happen. I say that, and I build Audis.

Nodoze
Aug 17, 2006



Can you VTEC swap this?

DrPain
Apr 29, 2004

Purrfectly priceless
items here.




You are a far braver man than I. Godspeed and good luck!

General Wiggles
Apr 17, 2010


Wow. I wish you the best of luck with this beast.

OFFICER 13 INCH
Aug 23, 2006

Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long dick of the law.

Hung man is coming down from the gallows and I don't feel very long


VTEC swap requires fabricating motor mounts and exhaust but it would be hilarious with my 12 Inch rims and 6 inch drums .

Water pump is pissing, right inner tie rod about to part company, right front rotor is visibly warped (gently caress y'all that say they don't warp this poo poo's like a 16th of an inch runout)

IOwnCalculus
Apr 2, 2003


Motronic posted:

Thread title.

Nah, applies to too many posters here.

You're Reese Bobby, aren't you? When things get too nice (new job, reliable CV) you just have to get kicked out of an Applebees or you get too itchy.

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General_Failure
Apr 17, 2005


Why are there table tennis balls in the brake fluid?

I saw one of these on eBay a few days before you bought this one. it must have been an omen. So the trickle underneath was rustwasser coolant?

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