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Hi, I’m a late 20’s male who was married to a diagnosed rapid-cycling, severely bipolar person with atypical symptoms for about 7 years. I have a few reasons for wanting to put my story out here: First, mental illness is something that I never had any experience with and never understood at all before this all happened. I imagine most folks are in that boat, or at least, have never dealt with someone with a very severe mental illness. Second, I spent a lot of time searching for someone with a similar experience to my own whom I could connect with, and never really found exactly what I looking for. So maybe this will be helpful to someone out there going through something similar. To give you some idea, if you’ve ever seen the show The United States of Tara, the portrayal of the complications for the spouses and family of a severely mentally ill person are spot on. I feel a strong connection to the husband in that show. Also, this video also gives a solid portrayal about what happens when someone has a severe mental breakdown. Third, I think there are a lot of interesting, amusing, and depressing parts to my tale, so it should probably make a good story, if nothing else. Fourth, I think it could be a bit therapeutic for me. I have a lot to tell, so it’s nice to get my thoughts organized on the subject. So read on, and please, ask questions. Some topics I’ll try to cover: -> The odd lead up and rapid path to diagnosis -> The longest 10 days of my life: the hospital stay -> Dealing with family -> The joys of Tardive Dyskinesia -> Living with someone with literally no short-term memory -> 15 doctors, 15 drugs -> Tripping balls off of weird reactions to sleeping meds -> The first six months of spending sprees, manic episodes, and being entirely homebound -> The next five years of work/life rehabilitation -> (Not) having a support structure -> What being a caretaker does to a relationship -> Starting life as a new person -> How having mental illness and being around mental illness changes your worldview I’m going to try and introduce bits about the illness as we go along, but if you don’t know anything about bipolar disorder, it might be useful to read an FAQ like this one about the illness. Obviously, the names and some details have been changed to protect folks. Please feel free to ask questions, add comments, or share your own stories. Also, sorry for the dummy account: some folks on here know me and the person involved. If you happen to know me or my normal username here, please don’t share. Part I: The Beginning and Trouble Brewing Part II: Diagnosis Part III: It's All in the Family Part IV: Mental (Hospital) Part V: Tardive Dyskinesia Part VI: A Primer on Medications Part VII: Mania Part VIII: Starting from the Ground Up Part IX: Jobs Part X: The Good Times Extra: Why I Hate Christmas Part XI: The Bad, Bad Times, part 1 Part XI: The Bad, Bad Times, part 2 Part XII: Being a Caretaker Part XIII: Some Semblance of Normal Part XIV: Her New Life Part XV: My New Life Part XVI: Philosophy and Reflections FunWithWombats fucked around with this message at 18:01 on Jan 10, 2014 |
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Dec 2, 2013 23:21
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Part I: The Beginning and Trouble Brewing Joanne was an artist. We met early in college, and I never hit it off more with a person than I did with her the first time we met. Like young, dumb, kids in love, we got married very young, at 20. We were engaged for a year and dating a good bit of time before that, so it wasn’t super rushed, but still pretty unheard of for two folks in college (and no, there wasn’t a baby involved). At the time we were two, healthy, sane pseudo-adults without a care in the world. I think it’s very common for folks who are diagnosed with bipolar to go back and try to cast earlier events in their life as maybe being an early sign of their condition. Certainly, it’s crossed both mine and Joanne’s mind that maybe this was the case with our marriage: perhaps Joanne was eager to get married due to some manic whim. This is one of the horrible, hard-to-describe issues with mental illness: it is very hard to pick apart where you stop and the illness begins. You can drive yourself mad just thinking about if everything you’ve ever done is just another stupid impulse brought about by your mental state. At the end of the day, however, there is no right answer: mental illness plays a role in every piece of an ill person’s life, but so does their personality. It’s a tough blend that’s hard to pick apart. However, I certainly feel that this was not the case with our marriage. The first few years of our marriage were tough: I had to work 40 hours a week as a retail manager while going to college for two degrees full time. I was stressed beyond belief. Yet, even with all that hardship, I still remember those first few years of our marriage as some of the happiest times in my life. We were great together and had many wonderful experiences those first few years. About two years into our marriage Joanne started acting funny… just off in some way that couldn’t place. Every once in awhile, she would say something or do something that was very out of character for her. Maybe it was some subtle rudeness or asking a really mean question or going out of her way to buy something that she normally wouldn’t buy. They were little things, and both she and I recognized that they were occurring. I asked her on several occasions why she said or did something odd, and she’d simply reply with “I don’t know.” Of course, in retrospect, it’s easy to look at that and say if somebody has a rapid, odd shift in behavior and they can’t tell you what motivated them to do it, that’s a big sign that you should get them to a doctor or therapist. The reality is that neither of us had (knowingly) dealt with mental illness first-hand before. No relatively stable person wants to consider the fact that maybe their losing control of themselves, their actions, or their mind. For most of us, it doesn’t even register as a thing that can possibly happen. Sure, we’ve all heard of mental illness, but that’s not me, right? One of the toughest things about mental illness is that it’s almost impossible to diagnose yourself. You are, after all, trapped in your own mind. It’s your own mind that would have to make the decision as to whether or not it’s not working properly, and that’s just not something it’s cut out to do when it’s malfunctioning. To your mind, it’s working exactly the way it’s intended. On top of that, there’s an entire stigma in our culture about mental illness. It’s poorly understood, and if you’re known to be suffering from it, you’re seen as damaged. People often ask depressed or otherwise in need people why they wait until they hit the bottom to seek help when they were so obviously in trouble. I think it’s a combination of both the tricks your own mind can play and society’s stance on such things. From the outside, concluding that a loved one is mentally ill can be just as difficult. This is someone you’ve known for years. They’ve been fine before, so certainly whatever they’re going through is just some temporary stint, right? You know this person. Maybe they’re just going through a mood, but they’re fine. As things continued to get worse, I still didn’t understand what was going on, and for one reason or another didn’t seek help. Joanne was acting stranger and stranger. She had a couple incidents where she would go somewhere and forget where she was or what she was doing there. There was a strange episode where she walked out of a store and couldn’t remember if she had paid for something or just shoplifted. Then she went to work one day and freaked out and had no idea where she was. That night it was clear that there was something up. It was weird, however, because back at home with me she was totally normal and seemed fine. I didn’t know what was going on, but I resolved to take her to a doctor first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, that night, I had a school event I had to attend and I couldn’t bring her with me. I made sure she was totally comfortable, secure, and stable at home, put on a movie for her, and told her I’d be back in an hour. Within five minutes of me leaving, she once again was lost, this time in her own home. She had no idea where I was, how long I’d been gone, when it was, or what she was supposed to be doing. She frantically called all of her family members and freaked them out. When I arrived back an hour later, she was glad to see me, but I could tell something was up. I asked her what she’d been doing, and she said she didn’t remember. I took a look at her phone and saw she had called basically everybody in her phone book. I contacted her family, and they apparently had decided that this was in some way all my fault and their plan was to come whisk her away while I was gone, all without telling me (more on her family later). I calmed them down a bit, and they wanted to bring her to the ER immediately, tonight, which admittedly was probably a good idea. However, they lived 3 hours away. I was in a lovely boat too because it was finals time in my last semester of college and I had courses I couldn’t miss the next morning. So a family friend showed up to drive Joanne up to their place, 3 hours away, so they could take her to the ER there. I was horribly distraught with this plan, but in such a state of panic and confusion that I let her go, hoping for the best. I sat alone in my home for the first time in years, grabbed a drink, and tried to piece together in my head what the gently caress just happened. FunWithWombats fucked around with this message at 16:31 on Dec 3, 2013 |
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Dec 2, 2013 23:24
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FunWithWombats posted:No relatively stable person wants to consider the fact that maybe their losing control of themselves, their actions, or their mind. For most of us, it doesn’t even register as a thing that can possibly happen. Hi FunWithWombats. Thank you very much for putting so much effort into what is sure to be a fascinating thread. Thank you also for your willingness to share your experiences, and I hope you will indeed find this thread of yours to be personally beneficial for yourself. I quoted this part of your second post because I feel compelled to state that I may take issue with the idea that any people in human history have ever really had control over themselves, their actions, or their minds. I really don't want this thread to be derailed, so I'll leave it at that. Of the topics you have listed, these are the two that I am most interested in: -15 doctors, 15 drugs -How having mental illness and being around mental illness changes your worldview Thanks again for posting this thread and I wish you all the best!
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Dec 3, 2013 02:19
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I don't have any questions but I just wanted to say thank you for being supportive. I'm also rapid-cycling bipolar (depression once a month, mixed states sprinkled in between) and I had a lot of stupid poo poo go down that lead to my diagnosis and having a supportive boyfriend, family, and friends made a gigantic difference in my recovery and treatment. I also went through the whole "look into the past" thing and I do see signs of it. I didn't even know what manic symptoms were before the psychiatrist explained them to me. Once I figured it all out, a whole lot of stupid poo poo I did made sense. I was lucky enough to only go through 2 or 3 combinations of meds to find something that worked, I know for a lot of people it can take months, even years to get that stuff straight. Sorry for hijacking or whatever, just wanted to say thanks for being there for your wife and being understanding. 
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Dec 3, 2013 04:10
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Very interested to hear more FWW, thanks for posting. I'm guessing you and your wife are divorced now? It wasn't explicitly stated so I'm just curious.
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Dec 3, 2013 08:21
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Part II: Diagnosis I slept horribly that night. I got a call early in the morning from Joanne’s parents: first, they’d tried to contact an old psych doctor Joanne had seen as a child for ADHD. The doctor heard about Joanne’s current state and told her parents to rush her to the ER. Apparently, in the ER, things had gotten worse. Joanne was hearing music and voices that weren’t there. She felt secure with her parents, but was still pretty confused and lost. They sat for 3 or 4 hours with her in a very messed-up state, and finally saw a doctor who immediately diagnosed her with Bipolar Disorder. She would need to go to a mental hospital for further treatment. I was told this news and I didn’t know how to react. I’ve never known anyone with any sort of severe mental illness. All I knew about bipolar was from clips from TV shows and movies: “Stay away from that freaky girl, she’s bipolar!” As soon as I heard all this, I began my own frantic internet research. I’m going to try and summarize what were some of my first impressions from what I read online here (obviously my knowledge of the disorder has developed dramatically, but I wanted to give you an idea of my starting point): Bipolar Disorder is also known as Manic Depressive Disorder. It is characterized as moving from states of severe depression to severe happiness / self-confidence. These swings usually manifest themselves on week, month, or seasonal timescales, although in some cases the shifts can be very rapid. Most bipolar patients show symptoms in the late teens or early 20s. Typically, they are first diagnosed in an ER and most patients are treated at a mental hospital at some point. Depression is the most common symptom, but manic states typically occur as well and patients can be very self-destructive in either state. Although BP patients can be very productive and happy in manic (or lesser, hypomanic) states, they typically lead to detrimental behavior such as sleeplessness, overspending, drug use, promiscuous sexual behavior, and making dramatic life changes on a whim. In extreme manic states, auditory hallucinations can occur. BP patients often have several family members who are also BP or have other mental illnesses. Most BP patients are treated with medication, and most are able to live normal lives with ongoing treatment. Most bipolar marriages end in divorce. A large percentage of BP persons commit suicide. I can’t really describe how waking up day and finding out that the block of text above describes someone you love feels. It’s just too much to process. It sounds too foreign. You’ve known this person for years – that’s not them. I married a smart, timid, put-together girl. She graduated college a semester early with a good GPA. She was a manager at a store. We were great together. There’s no denying that there’s something wrong, but this isn’t her at all. She’s never been depressed. She hated spending money. And a mental hospital, what the gently caress? How can someone I’ve known and loved for years belong in a mental hospital? She was fine whenever I talked to her, she just had some weird incidents... It’s strange to think back to these initial, naive impressions after being buried in the disorder for all these years. I am an optimist, however, and at the time I came across many success stories of someone being diagnosed, going to the hospital, getting on the right meds, and feeling great for the rest of their lives. I knew this was a possibility, and put my faith that the doctors knew what they were doing and everything would work out.
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Dec 3, 2013 16:38
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Paul Allen posted:Very interested to hear more FWW, thanks for posting.
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Dec 3, 2013 16:40
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I'm eager to hear more, OP. Fascinating read so far.
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Dec 3, 2013 22:37
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Good read, I had someone close to me with a crisis just this weekend. Really made it obvious I didn't understand much, looking forward to reading your thoughts.
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Dec 3, 2013 23:42
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FunWithWombats posted:It’s strange to think back to these initial, naive impressions after being buried in the disorder for all these years. I am an optimist, however, and at the time I came across many success stories of someone being diagnosed, going to the hospital, getting on the right meds, and feeling great for the rest of their lives. I knew this was a possibility, and put my faith that the doctors knew what they were doing and everything would work out. All this foreshadowing is making me sad! Can't you write this more optimistically so I can have some comforting false hope as I read before you smack me across the face with reality?  (Don't stop posting. My best friend's sister has been showing signs of increasing mental problems these last couple years, to the point that she disowned her family and cut them off completely when they tried to get her to seek help, as she thinks they're in league with the government to do something
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Dec 3, 2013 23:49
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Just chiming in to say I'm really interested to see this thread unfold, thanks for posting it!
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Dec 4, 2013 01:51
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Thanks for making this thread and sharing. One of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with rapid onset bipolar. I'd like to know what I should/shouldn't do or say around my friend or anyone similar? I'm afraid that I'll offend him or make him freak out.
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Dec 4, 2013 15:36
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Having rapid cycling bipolar myself, I'd be really interested in your perspective as someone living with a loved one with the condition. My girlfriend is very understanding of my troubles, but sometimes I worry over the implications for our future married life and children.
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Dec 4, 2013 16:03
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VitalSigns posted:All this foreshadowing is making me sad! Can't you write this more optimistically so I can have some comforting false hope as I read before you smack me across the face with reality? .Zombie Boat posted:Thanks for making this thread and sharing. One of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with rapid onset bipolar. It's important that he has someone in his life who will recognize when his actions are dangerous / signs of illness and can step in and tell him that. That person is probably not you. Unless the situation is especially dire, avoid making comments that imply his actions are a result of his illness. If you really suspect that, you can bring it up to whoever he's closest with (significant other or family members). It's also important to recognize that every person's progress through mental illness is different. Some folks have one breakdown, get on meds, and immediately become symptom-free and don't really have to deal with it again. For others, it's an ongoing struggle every day, with fleeting moments of normality interspersed with life-altering peaks and valleys.
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Dec 4, 2013 17:13
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Thank you for sharing your story. That's really interesting. Does your wife know you're posting about her on an internet forum?
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Dec 4, 2013 17:26
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Part III: It’s All in the Family I think it will make some of the story from here make more sense to know a bit about Joanne’s family. Joanne’s family and I never got along. They were fundamentalist, young-earth creationists, and as a Catholic-raised scientist, obviously our worldviews didn’t jive too well. At the time, I had considered myself a somewhat devout non-denominational Christian, but since I’d only been baptized in my “fake” Catholic baptism, I was still devil-spawn sent to corrupt their daughter. They’d always wanted Joanne to get married young (which is creepy), but just not to me. But there was more than that. Joanne’s mother was, well, nuts, and yet all of her family always seemed to support her. To give you an example, about a year and a half after we were married, Joanne and I took a cruise with my family just before Christmas. The cruise actually arrived back on Christmas day, and we had to drive about 10 hours up the coast to get back home. It was already evening when we got back, and if we wanted to get to Joanne’s parent’s house that night, it would have been another 3 hour drive, so we opted to stay at our place that night, get our stuff together, and then go to their place where we’d spend the next two weeks. We had told them months ahead of time that this was our plan. We talked to Joanne’s sister Christmas day and let her know that we had made it back okay. Thirty minutes later, we went to call Joanne’s mom (we’ll call her Sharon), and found that Joanne’s phone didn’t seem to be working. We contacted the cell phone company, and found out that the account – which had been under Sharon’s name – had been cancelled. We then used my phone, and tried to contact Sharon, who wouldn’t answer. In fact, nobody from Joanne’s immediate family was answering their phones. We then contacted a mutual family friend. She told us that Sharon was outraged, and that Sharon had called everyone who was going to attend a Christmas Party at their place later that evening to make sure they knew that she had “removed photos from the house of the people she no longer considered part of her family.” Sharon had, apparently, decided it wasn’t okay that we weren’t spending Christmas day with her, in spite of the fact that we had discussed this way ahead of time, spent the past 2 Christmases with her, and would be there the next morning. Instead of telling us, she decided to cut us off, and her family stood behind her for some unknown reason. Eventually, we went up there and stayed with the mutual friend, and finally met up with Sharon and tried to figure out what was going on. In the end, it wasn’t clear why she was upset, but we decided we’d just apologize a thousand times rather than deal with it and move on. In another of many examples, one day Sharon decided she hated the house that her and her Joanne’s dad lived in. They had lived in the house for over 15 years. A month earlier they had spent $50,000 doing a massive kitchen expansion and remodel at Sharon's request. Sharon said she hated the house, and needed a new one immediately. Joanne’s dad went along with this, and within a month, Sharon had picked a much more expensive house and they bought it, in spite of not having sold their old house yet and having to give up a large portion of their retirement savings to do so, not to mention that Joanne’s father really didn’t want to move in the first place. Before our wedding, Sharon was constantly buying things. Sharon's house was filled with boxes upon boxes, most of them unopened, from things Sharon had purchased on a whim off of Ebay. By the time of the wedding, Joanne had no less than 15 pairs of shoes, 5 different tiaras, 5 different complete place settings, and 3 dresses to choose from, already purchased by Sharon. Joanne's parents did alright, but certainly were not exceedingly wealthy, and at no point did we ever ask for any of these. Sharon liked to shop. I could go on with hundreds of similar stories about Sharon, and if you don’t understand why they’re significant to the main storyline, keep reading the thread.
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Dec 4, 2013 17:29
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Anoulie posted:Thank you for sharing your story. That's really interesting. E: Although I'll throw out there for the internet detectives: I'm doing this for the benefit of others going through similar things, so please, don't be a dick. FunWithWombats fucked around with this message at 17:52 on Dec 4, 2013 |
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Dec 4, 2013 17:31
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Had it ever been suggested that Sharon has borderline personality disorder? I'm interested in this thread because my mother has borderline personality that has only recently been diagnosed. She recently cut me off because I've refused to go along with her delusions. Based on my mother's behavior I could have easily filled in the second half of your Christmas story without having read it. Compulsive buying is another common symptom and the whole family going along with things is classic because they have learned it is the only way to avoid the wrath of the person with borderline. I spent my entire childhood that way. We are at the point with my mother where we've done all we can but it's likely that nothing will change until she has a crisis severe enough to get her committed. My siblings and I have been walking a fine line, attempting to keep her happy enough with us that we can get her help without simply feeding into her delusions. We've been working with multiple mental health professionals with experience with BPD to do so but it's still not going very well. It is amazing how helpless it makes you feel and how damaging it can be to your own mental health.
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Dec 4, 2013 19:40
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This thread needs more Shannon please.
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Dec 4, 2013 20:15
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Ceridwen posted:Had it ever been suggested that Sharon has borderline personality disorder? . People with BPD can see improvement with psychotherapy sometimes.Lifetime77 posted:This thread needs more Shannon please. Before Joanne got sick, I had many run-ins with her mother, and thought she was over-the-top, but I had zero experience with mental illness, so I had no idea what was going on. This was compounded by the fact that her family (outside of me and Joanne) is entirely complacent and codependent. As you say, they'll agree with her no matter what, because nobody wants to be on the other side of her wrath. While I did my undergrad, I was working 40 hours a week while going to school full time. Sharon still demanded that we drive 3 hours to her home to see her every weekend. If we didn't, we would get lengthy, pissed off voicemails and emails, not just from her but every other member of the family she complained to about it and told to contact us. Even when we were visiting every weekend, she wanted me to quit my job so I could visit them even more and basically spend all of our time with them. When I asked how I we would be able to afford to live, she said "oh, well we'll buy you meals and things whenever you're here so it'll actually save you money!" Ignoring, of course, the gas to drive there, and, I don't know, rent. Of course if you defied her, you were also defying God. If you were ever doing anything she didn't like - anywhere from not calling her constantly to getting a haircut she wasn't fond of - she would somehow work that into you being a "bad Witness for God" or other such nonsense. And of course, she'd end every such message with "I will pray for you." The signs were obvious once I knew about BP. She'd worked five different jobs in five years, always citing "trouble with horrible management" or something. Then she went back to school to get her nursing PhD (she already had a masters), which she dragged on for years and years without finishing, always claiming that "her adviser was crazy!" Overspending was what she did. Every day she would come home from work and say "I picked up a few things from the store after work, can you grab them from my car?" Every day it was a fresh trunk and backseat full of stuff: decorations that she already had 20 variants of, clothing she couldn't fit into now but "would one day," Christmas gifts she bought for people in February; just anything she thought was a good deal. When she found out Joanne's sister-in-law was pregnant, she bought an assortment of children's Halloween costumes for them. In July. Designed to fit 4 year-olds. "He'll need these costumes some day!" Again, the child hadn't even been born at this point. quote:It is amazing how helpless it makes you feel and how damaging it can be to your own mental health. She was never diagnosed, however. She is too insulated by her family for that to ever happen. I actually saw one of her friends bring it up, once, while Sharon was not around, and the rest of the family members just shot the friend an ugly glare and declared "absolutely not!"
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Dec 4, 2013 21:03
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FunWithWombats posted:Suggested by me and Joanne? Yes, absolutely, and every doctor I've described her behavior to has come to the conclusion that it's either bipolar or BPD. Both are genetically associated with each other and have very similar symptoms. Really, the biggest difference between them is bipolar is typically treatable with medication, whereas BPD is not This was pretty much what happened for us. Dealing with my mother actually got so difficult over the last few years that last year myself and 2 of my siblings started seeing psychologists ourselves just to figure out how to handle her. All 3 independently suggested BPD based on our descriptions. It has since been confirmed (with permission from my mother) by the person my mother is currently seeing. Sadly so far the only noticeable effect of therapy for my mother has been that she uses the language she learns there to attempt to manipulate us. You mention that Joanne realized there was something wrong with her mother's mental health. Did that realization happen before or after her own mental health issues started? How much insight does she have on her condition? Would Sharon hold grudges? You mention all the stupid things that she would get terrible upset about. My mother does the same but the worst part of it is that while her memory for her own behavior is almost nonexistent, her memory of every imagined slight we have ever exacted against her is superb. And frightening. When she cut off contact with me it was preceded by a very long email and several hours worth of long text messages listing a collection of things I had done to offend her. Some stretch back until I was 12 or 13 years old (I am now 31). I'd be interested in hearing about how the experiences you've had with mental illness have changed your world view and what sort of contact you still have with Joanne.
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Dec 5, 2013 00:02
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First off, thanks for posting this thread! I've always found this kind of stuff fascinating. You can't really blame Sharon because it is (probably) a disorder, but it's mind boggling how the rest of her family completely support her actions and doesn't seem to want to acknowledge at all something is wrong. Sorry, I know the thread is about Joanne but the situation with Sharon is very interesting as well. Did ANY of Sharons family not get behind what shes doing? Or did they all completely support her actions towards you and ignore any possible problem on Sharons part throughout all of this?
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Dec 5, 2013 01:10
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This hits pretty close to home to me. I've had one buddy with BPD have two different break downs while abusing amphetamines. As you said, things in retrospect make more sense after applying the knowledge of mental disorders to past incidents to explain it. Watching a person mentally break in front of me is one of the most terrifying things I've witnessed. Dealing with mental disorders is hard to put into words, but I'm glad you're sharing. My question to you is: did you ever experience with weird drawings or cryptic messages much?
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Dec 5, 2013 01:42
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Interesting thread, thanks for posting, and I look forward to hearing the rest. Like other posters, it hits kinda close to home for me. My Great Grandad and Great Uncle were both bipolar and committed suicide. My Uncle most likely is as well (living in my grandparent's caravan in his 40s, shows some of the same symptoms), and my brother was diagnosed after a suicide attempt this January  Nobody told me until a few months after it happened though, which sort of made it worse when I did find out. That's on my Mum's side of the family. On Dad's side we 'just' have schizophrenia, but at least nobody's killed themselves  Loved ones with mental illness isn't a club anyone wants to be in, but it's good to hear other people's stories. A good family willing to be strong advocates for care and to provide endless patience and support seem to be key in dealing with this kind of thing, so with a Mother like Sharon, I imagine things were that much worse for your wife.
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Dec 5, 2013 02:33
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Wow, thank you for posting, this is a phenomenal read. I'm very interested. I'm particular interested in the toll this has had on you. It's hard to get a timeframe in your summaries of events, so how long have you known about your wife's disorder, and how have you changed over time as you two have dealt with it? I'm assuming you two are still married, just from context of other posts, but was divorce considered?
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Dec 5, 2013 02:40
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Thanks for posting this and I think it's great that you stuck with your partner through everything. It's interesting reading this as I am on the other side (diagnosed BPD) and although I try to gauge how my actions have affected people around me it's hard to know if my perception are real (if that makes sense). Did you ever find yourself getting frustrated and loose your temper with her? I know I have an issue with thinking people are mad with me and tend to go overboard with getting people to reassure me. I imagine telling someone for the tenth time that everything is fine would get annoying after a while.
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Dec 5, 2013 08:49
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Wombat thanks for your advice. I haven't really seen my buddy since he was diagnosed but I really appreciate you sharing and giving advice. This thread is awesome and so are you.
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Dec 5, 2013 13:57
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Ceridwen posted:You mention that Joanne realized there was something wrong with her mother's mental health. Did that realization happen before or after her own mental health issues started? How much insight does she have on her condition? quote:Would Sharon hold grudges? It sucks man, and my heart goes out to you. Dealing with that with your own parent is traumatic. Bacon Drew posted:You can't really blame Sharon because it is (probably) a disorder, but it's mind boggling how the rest of her family completely support her actions and doesn't seem to want to acknowledge at all something is wrong. Sorry, I know the thread is about Joanne but the situation with Sharon is very interesting as well. Did ANY of Sharons family not get behind what shes doing? Or did they all completely support her actions towards you and ignore any possible problem on Sharons part throughout all of this? From there, Sharon now has a posse. Anything she says will be backed up by her husband. As a kid, you don't want to be on the wrong side of that freight train either, so you'll get behind her too. Pretty soon everyone is in line with what Sharon wants, and the reinforcement from everyone else just kinda makes you think that Sharon is right. When I joined the family, it was bizarre to me at first. I'd do seemingly normal things, Sharon would blow up about them, and then I'd hear about it from everyone else in the family. Do that enough times and yeah, you feel like you are in the wrong. It's weird too, because on paper it looks like she's got it all together: successful job, successful kids, successful husband, tons of friends, loved by her church, etc. You have to get really deep in before you realize the people she surrounds herself with are just the ones who didn't say no, and immediately fell in lock-step with the rest of the group. onemanlan posted:My question to you is: did you ever experience with weird drawings or cryptic messages much? Moto Punch posted:Interesting thread, thanks for posting, and I look forward to hearing the rest. Like other posters, it hits kinda close to home for me. My Great Grandad and Great Uncle were both bipolar and committed suicide. My Uncle most likely is as well (living in my grandparent's caravan in his 40s, shows some of the same symptoms), and my brother was diagnosed after a suicide attempt this January Motley posted:I'm particular interested in the toll this has had on you. It's hard to get a timeframe in your summaries of events, so how long have you known about your wife's disorder, and how have you changed over time as you two have dealt with it? I'm assuming you two are still married, just from context of other posts, but was divorce considered? rocketpig posted:Did you ever find yourself getting frustrated and loose your temper with her? I know I have an issue with thinking people are mad with me and tend to go overboard with getting people to reassure me. I imagine telling someone for the tenth time that everything is fine would get annoying after a while. For the most part though, I'd say if people are telling you it's okay, it's okay. No reason to force the issue; people will tell you when you're really out of line.
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Dec 5, 2013 17:25
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Disclaimer: This post might be a little disturbing. Part IV: Mental (Hospital) It’s hard to even know where to begin describing what were ultimately the worst ten days of my life. Not only did I just discover my wife was horribly ill, but now I was forced to be away from her while she was kept in a place (somewhat) against her will surrounded by more mentally ill people. The hospital she was at was three hours from where we lived, and I as I said, I was finishing classes and some finals at the time, so I basically had a six hour drive ahead of me every day so I could see Joanne during the meager thirty minute visiting times, all while trying to finish up my degree. The first time I went there, it was surreal. Devastating. Bizarre. Too much to take in. The building had a waiting room similar to that of a doctor’s office, except every door was barred with electric locks. While waiting for the visiting hours to start, you were surrounded by somber people there for the same reason. You’d hear mutterings from others debating whether this was the 7th or 8th time their loved one had been committed, or how they’d heard such and such patient killed themselves, or how such and such was looking so much better this time, or how it’d probably only be just a few more days… They led us into the room where we’d meet the patients. It was the cafeteria, reminiscent of any other high school or hospital cafeteria, except for the distinct lack of any sharp objects, or really any objects that could be used as a weapon, and the electronically locked doors everywhere. They told us that Joanne was still waking up. Most of the other patients were coming in one by one. Some looked perfectly fine, albeit stressed about being there. Some looked horrendously depressed, and wouldn’t speak to their loved ones at all. Some were, well, mad: yelling, screaming, kicking, and couldn’t really meet with their loved ones for very long before being sent back to their rooms. When Joanne finally came out, the first thing I noticed is she looked incredibly pale, not just from the lack of makeup, but as though all of the blood had been drained from her. She appeared incredibly drowsy, and was barely able to keep her eyes open. Her hair was disheveled, and her muscle movements were incredibly stiff, enhancing her zombie-like appearance. As with the other patients, they’d taken her shoe laces and belt. We embraced. She was tired, and immediately slumped over in her chair. I asked her how she was doing, and she said okay, just, tired. I asked about her treatment, about the hospital, about the other patients, but it was difficult to get much out of her. I gave her what support I could, and let her know I wanted her home as soon as possible. Her parents wanted to see her, and my parents as well. The doctors didn’t want to over-stimulate her, so we staggered our visits, and our time was brief. Visiting days were every other day. When I couldn’t make it there, the phone conversations were depressing and inconsistent. Some days she was just as tired as when I first saw her. Other days she was clearly out of it, telling fantastical stories about what was going on there. She was convinced they had put her in a straitjacket at some point, in spite of the fact that they did not have any straitjackets there, and the staff assured me they’d never put her in restraints. Talking to her doctors was near impossible. It seemed like she was with a different doctor every day, and it was increasingly difficult to get a hold of any of them to talk to. When I did, they just made some brief mentions of trying new medications and group therapy. When I asked when she could come home, they always said “soon.” Originally, when I asked how long the average stay was for something like this, they said 3-5 days. After a week, tensions were incredibly high. The doctors were not talking to me much. I soon discovered why: they had gotten really frustrated talking to Joanne’s mother, Sharon. Apparently, Sharon, who’s a nurse, decided that she knew what the best course of treatment was, and had been ordering the doctors what drugs and how much to give her. Eventually, when I finally spoke to one of the head doctors, she told me that she wanted my permission to only deal with me and not talk to Sharon, which I granted. Sharon was livid. She said that I had convinced the doctors to conspire against her. She told me that I just couldn’t accept the fact that Joanne was broken and was going to be sick and broken and unable to function for the rest of her life. She told me that I would never be able to care for her. She had already told everyone at her church all about her sick daughter and how hard her (Sharon’s) life would be, having to deal with this. It wasn’t about Joanne at all. My parents, were at the other end of the extreme. They felt like Joanne wasn’t sick at all, that this was all a ploy by Sharon to make her look sick so she could “get her baby back” (which wasn’t too far off). They felt like I should pull Joanne out immediately and get as far away as possible. They’d never seen mental illness before, certainly never seen Joanne act anything near mentally ill, and just didn’t understand me when I described what had happened leading up to the hospital. I knew Joanne needed help, but the hospital seemed very understaffed and I rarely saw any positive change between visits. I kept in as close communication to the doctors as I could. As soon as they said they felt like she might be stable enough to leave, I raced to pick her up and get her out of there. I had a little time, so to appease Sharon, we spent the next few days at her house until moving back to our own home. Thankfully, Joanne remembers very little about what happened in the hospital. She did remember a few vivid moments of pure insanity, where she swore she was hearing a TV or music that didn’t exist, or where at one point she apparently thought her vagina had sealed up and had to have a nurse come inspect her. Many of the drugs she was on made her feel like she was floating, or outside of herself, or just not there at all. Plenty of people in there with her were trying to off themselves, or just totally gone. They would run down the halls screaming, had been in there tens of times, etc. etc. I can’t imagine a more harrowing experience than being in a place like that, and my heart goes out to any who has spent time in a mental hospital. One thing I’d like to comment on too, since it’s pretty relevant to the current political climate, is the cost of all this. While I was working, I had good health insurance through my company. However, in my last semester of undergrad, I had saved up enough so I wouldn’t need to work. I purchased some temporary, “emergency” insurance coverage for myself and Joanne, with one of those big, $2500 deductibles. Of course, what I didn’t know is that there was a clause in the health insurance coverage that said they wouldn’t cover any mental health related anything, period. The first ER visit, where the doctors did nothing other than look at her and go “yep, she’s crazy,” cost $800. The 10 day hospital stay cost $30,000. Another trip to the ER later cost $400. The first time I went to fill her meds, the night we got her out of the hospital, they wanted $1,200 for a month’s supply. I felt bad, but the hospital had some sort of charitable bailout for poor people, so they covered pretty much the entire $30,000. We contacted the drug companies directly, and they also had a plan for poor people, so we got the drugs relatively cheap. Still, something is wrong when insurance companies can gently caress you over so bad and any medical expense is well beyond what any reasonable person can afford. We didn’t expect this, couldn’t plan for it, didn’t choose for this to happen, and I thought I was being responsible by getting some medical coverage. I’m really lucky that this got covered, and many people aren’t as lucky. poo poo happens, and it can happen to anyone. FunWithWombats fucked around with this message at 17:36 on Dec 5, 2013 |
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Dec 5, 2013 17:32
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Hospital costs are out the rear end when insurance isn't in play. Definitely been there for a state-required reason only to find out I had a $20,000 lean against me coming out of it. Infuriating and I hope you've managed to work it out in between then and now. Again, thanks for sharing. You are a saint if you put up with her crazy mom. Hope you follow up on where she is these days.
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Dec 5, 2013 18:50
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FunWithWombats posted:US costs  I am a Canadian who has been in a similar situation - thank goodness for socialized health care. With everything else that was going on during that time period, I can't imagine having to lump financial considerations on top of everything, or have my partner walk out of the hospital with the added burden of a massive hospital bill.
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Dec 6, 2013 17:23
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Part V: Tardive Dyskinesia When Joanne got out of the hospital, she was broken. You could talk to her, she would respond, but she was drowsy and out of it all the time. They had her on about 4 different medications at that point. She had an adverse reaction known as Tardive Dyskinesia when on the drug Abilify. This meant her muscles were stiff: her face was almost a mask, her arms wouldn’t hang at her side so much as stick in place. Nothing looked graceful about her movements. Her face would involuntarily twitch all the time. It was disturbing. Even worse, her memory issues hadn’t been fixed. In fact, they seem to have gotten worse. She literally had no short term memory. If you started driving in a car and told her you were you going, five minutes later she’d ask you where you were going, then five minutes later she’d ask you again, and again, and again… If you asked her what she ate for lunch an hour ago, she couldn’t even tell you if she had eaten lunch. By the way, this is an incredibly rare symptom of bipolar. Fun! The hallucinations had gone away, and she certainly didn’t seem to be acting manic or depressive… just nothing really. She was a broken, drugged-up shell. We saw some new doctors in the town we lived in. First, they wanted us to go to another ER visit, which was totally worthless and basically ended with us telling the doctors what was going on and them saying “okay.” Although there was one eager med student who wanted to diagnose her with Lupus because she looked a bit red in the face, which I’m sure all the House fans will appreciate. The new doctor’s office was great. They were a bit perplexed about the case due to both her somewhat odd symptoms and her odder responses to treatment. Weeks went by, the doctors took her off of Abilify, which got rid of the TD, but still left her with the memory issues. She also wasn’t sleeping and just laid in bed awake most of the night, in spite of feeling drowsy most of the time. The doctors decided to try some sleeping meds to maybe help with that. At one point they gave her some Ambien to try out. Joanne had a reaction to Ambien which I can only describe as “tripping balls.” We had driven back to Joanne’s parents’ house to go to a wedding the following morning. This was her first night trying the Ambien, and she dropped some just as we were getting to lie down. Thirty minutes later, she shot up, pointed at the wall, and said  “Hey FunWithWomabats, look at the girl!”  “Err…. What girl?” “The girl! She wants some fruit! Go get her some fruit!” “Fruit?” “From the bowl! Over there!” *points to the other side of the bed* “Uhhhhhh….” “Oh God, it’s a dragon! FunWithWombats, you need to protect her from the dragon!” “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh……”At this point she lept to the other side of the room and began to flail wildly at the “dragon,” which luckily was thin air. I got pretty concerned she was going to hurt herself flailing around like that. I tried to just explain to her that none of this was actually there, and you can guess how well that worked. After defeating the dragon, she then wanted to leave the room and go run around outside. I guess at this point you might be asking yourself why I didn’t go run for help or drag her to the ER or whatever. If you’d spent as much time at the hospitals and seen as many freaked out, drugged out people I had at this point, you’d understand why this really didn’t faze me. Plus, I didn’t think I could safely get her to a car, let alone the hospital, and I certainly wasn’t going to call an ambulance and have her restrained and all that. Joanne ran around the house a little bit more, babbling about this and that, until I was able to coax her back into the room. When she was slightly calmer, I convinced her to let me give her a back rub. She liked back rubs, and I figured this way she’d be lying down, and I could sit on her back so she couldn’t run off or do anything stupid. Every 30 minutes or so she’d get antsy, have another hallucination, and want to move around and shout about something again for a bit, then I’d calm her down, get her to lay down and relax for another 30 minutes, and repeat. It was a long night. Needless to say, we didn’t give her any more Ambien, and the doctors basically told us “yeah, that can happen.” Awesome. Anyway, a month after leaving the hospital, the doctors tried out the drug Tegretol, and miraculously, her short-term memory was restored in a matter of weeks. At this point, there was still a long, long way to go, but without short-term memory, there was basically no way she would have been able to function, ever. One step forward in the long, long path to putting the pieces back together.
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Dec 6, 2013 17:36
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My mother is bipolar and schizophrenic. We went around the block with different meds and you seeing different reactions like this is striking real close to home. I really can't help her the way you are(were?) helping your wife. You are a very strong person and I have nothing but the deepest respect for you and your stories. Mental health problems are extremely trying and any help you are giving is huge. That was pretty disjointed, but yeah. Keep it up man.
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Dec 6, 2013 18:14
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I'm surprised they kept her on Abilify for this long if she showed EPS symptoms, she looks like she was suffering from dystonia, not from Tardive Dyskinesia, which is a more permanent type of EPS that, once it starts, if meds aren't discontinued rapidly, can become permanent. Do yourself a favor, if she is on lithium eskalith or depakote, etc, make sure your regular doctor watches her liver enzymes like a hawk, kidney BUN/ Creatinine too. I used to work in psych and some of the mood stabilizers really mess up your liver.
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Dec 6, 2013 19:08
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I really feel for you with is, finding the right meds can be like a mine field and be extremely stressful. For me it was citalopram that made me feel like I was tripping. It was like everything was in slow motion and nothing seemed real. Most of the other stuff just made me feel violently sick or like I couldn't move. It took my docs months to figure out I couldn't handle SSRIs It is interesting hearing it from your perspective. I vaguely remember my partners telling me I was freaking out and looked like I was on acid. I don't remember much else though coz I was very much lost in my own head. Can you remember how many different med combos your wife was on before they found the right ones?
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Dec 6, 2013 19:25
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I'm very interested to hear more.
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Dec 6, 2013 19:41
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I also trip balls on ambien. The first and only time I took it I hallucinated for around 18 hours and don't remember anything. My father, MIL, SIL, grandfather, and brother are all bipolar. I really understand what you and Joanne went through. It's heart breaking and exhausting and frustrating all at the same time. I've been diagnosed with chronic depression or disthymia which makes dealing with it a whole nother level of worse. The meds for disthymia are the same they use on bipolar because disthymia is a really strange beast to treat. I ended up grinding my teeth so hard on cymbalta that I cracked a filling out. My hands shook so hard coming on it that I couldn't even drink water. When I eventually went off a few years later I had "brain zaps" and suddenly wouldn't remember where or what I was doing. Oh and dealing with the cost of mental illness in the US loving blows. I hope Joanne never decides to have children. My SIL got pregnant and had been stable for quite some time but the hormones from the baby plus cycling off of potentially birth defect causing medications caused her a month long ward stay after the baby was born. silicone thrills fucked around with this message at 20:18 on Dec 6, 2013 |
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Dec 6, 2013 20:16
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Strange that Tegretol fixed the memory issue. I imagine the rest of the story is soon to be revealed, but I am always suspicious that any new onset psychiatric disorder could be neurologic, especially when there are features that are less typical. Has she had any imaging of her brain, ie CAT scan or MRI to evaluate for a neurologic cause? The Ambien response is a bit wild but not unexpected. I rarely ever give it outside the hospital setting, and even for inpatients I prefer melatonin or placebo. Low Carb Bread fucked around with this message at 03:58 on Dec 7, 2013 |
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Dec 7, 2013 03:56
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You're a strong and compassionate person OP.Low Carb Bread posted:I am always suspicious that any new onset psychiatric disorder could be neurologic You are familiar with the sound of hoofbeats/looking for zebras analogy, yes? Late teens early 20s is a common age for a first psychotic break. What leads you immediately down the neuro path, and what are you looking for? Just curious. Low Carb Bread posted:I prefer melatonin or placebo. There is no drawer in the Pyxis marked "placebo". Either you are explaining yourself poorly or something is amiss. Please elaborate. Thanks.
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Dec 7, 2013 15:54
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Axim posted:I'm surprised they kept her on Abilify for this long if she showed EPS symptoms, she looks like she was suffering from dystonia, not from Tardive Dyskinesia, which is a more permanent type of EPS that, once it starts, if meds aren't discontinued rapidly, can become permanent. Low Carb Bread posted:Strange that Tegretol fixed the memory issue. I imagine the rest of the story is soon to be revealed, but I am always suspicious that any new onset psychiatric disorder could be neurologic, especially when there are features that are less typical. quote:Has she had any imaging of her brain, ie CAT scan or MRI to evaluate for a neurologic cause?
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Dec 7, 2013 17:23
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