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ejstheman
Feb 11, 2004

Synonymous posted:

* Amputation
* Bulemia


it is waaaaay easier to find a dude that tops than one that bottoms hth.

This explains why my friend who bottoms practically has a line of tops in front of his house.

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Avalanche
Feb 2, 2007
I didn't gently caress someone until I was 20-21ish after getting my poo poo together in college. Beforehand, I honestly believed that sex would cure, or at least diminish any problems I had with anxiety, self-esteem, confidence, etc. I hooked up with some chick I knew well from high school, we had a weekend of near constant banging, and afterwards I didn't feel any different. Like at all. Still had the anxiety, still had the confidence issues, and now it was worse because the magical sex that was supposed to fix everything didn't. Three months later, I got in a long term relationship with another chick, and even during that time I still felt the loving same.

It was then I realized my 'problems' were a lot more deep than not meeting some stupid rear end social milestone, or ticking off a box of 'things that you must do by x age'. After spending a lot of time and effort working on that poo poo, I actually began to feel happy for the first time in a long time.

I think what people who say "Just don't worry about it, and sex will come eventually" are really trying to say is: Fix the underlying problem first, because any sort of relationship or casual sex is completely loving pointless until you do.

O yea, and 'performance' is kind of a funny thing too. The only time I've experienced bad sex is when the chick was inexperienced+self-conscious of it, tried to do some complex super pornstar bullshit to compensate, and completely hosed it up. Even then, it was just kind of a funny story and not that big of a deal. Humans have been loving for the past 50,000 years. Just get the pee pee near the vee vee and let instincts take care of the rest.

Secks Cauldron
Aug 26, 2006

I thought they closed that place down!

Ausmund posted:

Straight guys: what is the appeal of loving girls in the rear end? I'm serious here, how can a place where fecal matter comes out be attractive when you have a wet hot vagina to play with?

Can this be made into the sex ed megathread?
Blood and sometimes babies come out of vaginas. Don't you be knocking on anal :colbert:

Tjadeth
Sep 16, 2012

:minnie: Cat Army :minnie:
2nd Battalion
VOLUNTEER
:nyan:

FoolyCharged posted:

The speed at which she pushed forward wound up leaving me lost and confused, and I basically just kind of locked up. My memories from there on are kind of hazy, but two things I am sure of is that I sure as hell didn't go off and that she was just as far gone mentally as I was, just on the other end of the spectrum. So yeah, I'm not sure what the hell happened that night and don't really know how I rate virginity wise.

probably somewhere around "rape victim"

SYSV Fanfic
Sep 9, 2003

by Pragmatica
If you are asexual you have either given up on sex or have a hormonal problem if your a dude. Here to help.

change my name
Aug 27, 2007

Legends die but anime is forever.

RIP The Lost Otakus.

This country went to hell when they gave virgins the right to vote, I tell you what.

Tortuga
Aug 27, 2011


Runner-up, TRP Sack Race 2021/22

FoolyCharged posted:

When puberty kicked in for me in my second year of high school, my body kinda screwed the pooch,

Dogs don't count

Starter Wiggin
Feb 1, 2009

Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?

change my name posted:

This country went to hell when they gave virgins the right to vote, I tell you what.

Do you sell intercourse and intercourse accessories?

AlexanderCA
Jul 21, 2010

by Cyrano4747
.

AlexanderCA fucked around with this message at 19:35 on Apr 10, 2014

cname
Jan 24, 2013

by Lowtax

change my name posted:

This country went to hell when they gave virgins the right to vote, I tell you what.

Starter Wiggin posted:

Do you sell intercourse and intercourse accessories?

That does it. Going hog wild. 5/5 gold.

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number
Pillbug

Avalanche posted:

I didn't gently caress someone until I was 20-21ish after getting my poo poo together in college. Beforehand, I honestly believed that sex would cure, or at least diminish any problems I had with anxiety, self-esteem, confidence, etc. I hooked up with some chick I knew well from high school, we had a weekend of near constant banging, and afterwards I didn't feel any different. Like at all. Still had the anxiety, still had the confidence issues, and now it was worse because the magical sex that was supposed to fix everything didn't. Three months later, I got in a long term relationship with another chick, and even during that time I still felt the loving same.
Everyone seems to say this but I dunno if I'm just super weird or shallow or what but I feel like my personality did a 180 between having never touched someone and getting my first girlfriend. My confidence skyrocketed and I realized dating wasn't so hard at all and as long as you kept yourself decent looking and in shape, most people would be willing to give you a shot. I guess I was already working on myself and getting laid was just a tangible measure of progress that reinforced the changes I was adapting but I gotta say going from someone who thought they were undatable to someone who realized they're a good catch did wonders for my self esteem and social life.

I will say that casual sex didn't help though, like after my first relationship I was feeling a bit more confident and more willing to get out there, but I also wanted to catch up a bit on lost time because I felt like I was behind the curve in number of partners and experience and such. This culminated in a night where I was at a party, hooked up with one of the girls who lived at that house, then left the party with someone else to go back to my place and woke up feeling like a cheap hooker the next day. Would not recommend again, it's a story that gets me fistbumps from other guys like it's some sort of accomplishment but really if I had to pick one word to describe that night it'd be regret.

Turtlicious
Sep 17, 2012

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
You guys realize tweakers will touch your penis for like $5 and a Mc Donald's cheeseburger right?

Hth.

Synonymous
May 24, 2011

That was a nice distraction.

ejstheman posted:

This explains why my friend who bottoms practically has a line of tops in front of his house.

Yes, yes it does. To emulate this, make a Grindr profile, set your name as "Bottom" and assuming you're not lethally unattractive, your phone will not stop vibrating.

Turtlicious posted:

You guys realize tweakers will touch your penis for like $5 and a Mc Donald's cheeseburger right?

Hth.

Do you at least get to eat part of the Cheeseburger yourself? I'm not made of cash.

Turtlicious
Sep 17, 2012

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Synonymous posted:

Do you at least get to eat part of the Cheeseburger yourself? I'm not made of cash.

Only if you buy a rubber. If they get the whole hamburger, you go raw-dog.

Noctis Horrendae
Nov 1, 2013
OP is a CIA agent trying to get us to tell him about our underage sex. Don't fall for the honeypot!

e: Men in black suits just showed up at my door.

Noctis Horrendae fucked around with this message at 23:16 on Feb 22, 2014

jonnypeh
Nov 5, 2006
Sure, I'll write something. This is after all a (mostly) anonymous forum.

I'm a 27-year old virgin. I don't see that fact changing in near or far future. I'm such because I have not approached any women.

As far as I've talked to them it has been just conversing with co-workers - on subjects such as other colleagues, work, weather, how terrible the cafeteria food is. They're all nice to me. But that might be because I'm nice to everyone anyway and not because I'd expect a sexual intercourse for it or anything.

I sometimes play video games, read history books, mild physical activity several times a week (swimming recently, still am short and stout with a pot belly). Used to do lifting on-and-off for two years, but now the work comes first and I'm too lazy these days. I work in IT. So altogether rather nerdy.

I've found myself working many hours on weekends because that's an efficient distraction. Maybe also because if I keep up with getting all those big salary raises every year I might one day attract a woman. Though I imagine then that'd happen for reasons other than my "smashing good looks". Wouldn't be hard in a country that's leading EU statistics in the amount of single female parents who do not receive child support payments.

I received hugs this year from six attractive female colleagues when it was my birthday. That's five more than last year when I did not yet know anyone. 3rd and 2nd years, respectively. Took me the first year to learn how to smile.

quote:

What are your overall attitudes towards women in your age range? Do you think it would be better if they were more traditionally feminine, etc?

I have nothing to complain about them and that goes for all age ranges.

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number
Pillbug

jonnypeh posted:

I received hugs this year from six attractive female colleagues when it was my birthday. That's five more than last year when I did not yet know anyone. 3rd and 2nd years, respectively. Took me the first year to learn how to smile.
Gotta say I found this to be one of the most depressing things I've read in this thread so far. Counting hugs from "females".

pringledingle
Apr 3, 2013
People should be posting more about buttsex. I'm finding this thread difficult to masturbate to now

GET IN THE ROBOT
Nov 28, 2007

JUST GET IN THE FUCKING ROBOT SHINJI

Isotropic posted:

I'm not a virgin but it has been a couple years and I don't think it's likely that this dry spell will ever end, considering how much my personality has deteriorated in the time since. I pretty much feel like I've reverted to my virginal state, to the point that I identify with a lot of the sad posts in this sad thread.

I'm in the same boat, buddy. I lost my virginity at 22... but I haven't had a girlfriend since then, and I'm lonely as hell.

What's worse, is I think I just want general intimacy and affection more than sex. You can always pay for sex... but you can't pay someone to love you. :smith:

FoolyCharged
Oct 11, 2012

Cheating at a raffle? I sentence you to 1 year in jail! No! Two years! Three! Four! Five years! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Somebody call for an ant?

Gammatron 64 posted:

I'm in the same boat, buddy. I lost my virginity at 22... but I haven't had a girlfriend since then, and I'm lonely as hell.

What's worse, is I think I just want general intimacy and affection more than sex. You can always pay for sex... but you can't pay someone to love you. :smith:

You can pay a dog to love you in food! As for actual people, you're not going to romantic comedy style yourself into a love affair in a matter of days/hours. Attempting that ends... poorly.

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]

pringledingle posted:

People should be posting more about buttsex. I'm finding this thread difficult to masturbate to now

It's good, and cool. Hell, your friends have probably done it.

Arakan
May 10, 2008

After some persuasion, Fluttershy finally opens up, and Twilight's more than happy to oblige in doing her best performance as a nice, obedient wolf-puppy.

Neo Duckberg posted:

It's good, and cool. Hell, your friends have probably done it.

what is the correct course of action if i get poop on my dick

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]

Arakan posted:

what is the correct course of action if i get poop on my dick

Canine Blues Arooo
Jan 7, 2008

when you think about it...i'm the first girl you ever spent the night with

Grimey Drawer

Arakan posted:

what is the correct course of action if i get poop on my dick

You have to eat it.

Xeom
Mar 16, 2007
I think eventually you become asexual, or at least that's what has happened to me. I am 26 and cant remember the last time I even tried to talk to a woman with the interest being romantic. It's true eventually you stop trying completely. I can't even remember the last time a woman even displayed anything resembling interest towards me either.

I am pretty atypical and just find making friends difficult. I have two friends right now. We became friends mostly from working in class together. I rarely go out, and can't stand clubs and most bars. I tried the club stuff early on during my twenties but you couldn't pay me to go into a club these days.

Also you just start having to deal with so many things in your life that there is no time to care about relationships, and the free time you do get you don't want to burn trying to meet people. Which usually ends up badly making you depressed and then affecting everything else. I find it's best to just have the social interactions I need to feel ok, and then keep to myself.

I believed that one day my life would get better and I could focus on relationships again, but the truth is I am going to spend the rest of my life poor and working just to barely live. It could be worse I could be in some 3rd world country starving. The worst part of my life is that I won't even have that sort of intimate relationship. You really just learn to live with it, and in time stop thinking about having sex completely.

Turtlicious
Sep 17, 2012

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
^^^ This is probably one of the most depressing things I've ever read.


E: gently caress it, replace forums.somethingawful.com/index.php with this thread.

Turtlicious fucked around with this message at 05:07 on Feb 23, 2014

Curdy Lemonstan
Jan 25, 2012

by zen death robot
I lost mine drunk off my rear end to a fat loving beast, none of you would slam that whale for sure. It was awful, like a wakeupcall going "not all sex is worth having ding ding". Virgins itt, go gently caress a woman way waaay below your standards. Then you can move on with life and not be so afraid of your own body/brain.

Zo
Feb 22, 2005

LIKE A FOX

ArbitraryC posted:

Gotta say I found this to be one of the most depressing things I've read in this thread so far. Counting hugs from "females".

Haha what the gently caress is wrong with you "female colleagues" is the normal term used by real grownups.


Counting hugs not so much though i agree

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number
Pillbug

Zo posted:

Haha what the gently caress is wrong with you "female colleagues" is the normal term used by real grownups.
No one who is even remotely socially aware ever refers to women as females. Appropriate normal phrases include "women I work with". You're not filming a nature documentary you know?

Synonamess Botch
Jun 5, 2006

dicks are for my cat

ArbitraryC posted:

No one who is even remotely socially aware ever refers to women as females.

He didn't you loving clod he said female colleages

Turtlicious
Sep 17, 2012

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
A female colleague silently approaches the water cooler, hoping to escape the baffling stench of stale food and rear end fumes coming from the neckbeard in the next cubicle. Little does she know the hotdog smell is stuck in her hair. As she silently weeps to herself, the goon, a scavenger and opportunistic predator, approaches.

*heavy breathing*

...

"Wanna gently caress?"

Some Guy TT
Aug 30, 2011
Probation
Can't post for 6 hours!
This attitude has caused me to be self-conscious about using the word female anytime I write and goddamnit I hate that it's a perfectly good word and I'm sick of having to use girl and woman all the time English needs more good words for describing females.

FoolyCharged
Oct 11, 2012

Cheating at a raffle? I sentence you to 1 year in jail! No! Two years! Three! Four! Five years! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Somebody call for an ant?

Some Guy TT posted:

This attitude has caused me to be self-conscious about using the word female anytime I write and goddamnit I hate that it's a perfectly good word and I'm sick of having to use girl and woman all the time English needs more good words for describing females.

Fortunately due to the wonders of language there are hundreds of words and phrases for just that! And almost 1% of them aren't offensive!

Zo
Feb 22, 2005

LIKE A FOX

ArbitraryC posted:

No one who is even remotely socially aware ever refers to women as females. Appropriate normal phrases include "women I work with". You're not filming a nature documentary you know?


It's you, you're the socially unaware.

snail goat
Dec 12, 2006

you shouldnt doubt yourself
you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for

Some Guy TT posted:

This attitude has caused me to be self-conscious about using the word female anytime I write and goddamnit I hate that it's a perfectly good word and I'm sick of having to use girl and woman all the time English needs more good words for describing females.

What's wrong with "girls" or "women?"

Also, all many of you virgins itt make me sad and I'd give you all hugs if I could.

lidnsya
Nov 14, 2007
<img src="https://fi.somethingawful.com/customtitles/title-lidnsya.jpg"><br>All aboard the sleepy train!
I feel that female is weird to use as a noun, but there's nothing wrong with saying 'female colleagues'. It's nice that most of you virgin dudes don't seem resentful toward women. I hope you can find fulfillment in your lives, whether or not that involves sex.

A Keg
Jan 7, 2014

by Ralp
Vaginas are weird and produce weird gross goo anyway. I wouldn't worry about having sex with that thing ever, personally.

A Keg fucked around with this message at 06:46 on Feb 23, 2014

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number
Pillbug

Synonamess Botch posted:

He didn't you loving clod he said female colleages
I'm sorry that's one of those things you can't explain well but the intonation is hugely different between "female colleagues" and "women I work with". You will simply naturally gravitate towards one if you get it and the other if you don't.

change my name
Aug 27, 2007

Legends die but anime is forever.

RIP The Lost Otakus.

Xeom posted:

I think eventually you become asexual, or at least that's what has happened to me. I am 26 and cant remember the last time I even tried to talk to a woman with the interest being romantic. It's true eventually you stop trying completely. I can't even remember the last time a woman even displayed anything resembling interest towards me either.

I am pretty atypical and just find making friends difficult. I have two friends right now. We became friends mostly from working in class together. I rarely go out, and can't stand clubs and most bars. I tried the club stuff early on during my twenties but you couldn't pay me to go into a club these days.

Also you just start having to deal with so many things in your life that there is no time to care about relationships, and the free time you do get you don't want to burn trying to meet people. Which usually ends up badly making you depressed and then affecting everything else. I find it's best to just have the social interactions I need to feel ok, and then keep to myself.

I believed that one day my life would get better and I could focus on relationships again, but the truth is I am going to spend the rest of my life poor and working just to barely live. It could be worse I could be in some 3rd world country starving. The worst part of my life is that I won't even have that sort of intimate relationship. You really just learn to live with it, and in time stop thinking about having sex completely.

That's... that's not how the human body works. There are plenty of people below the poverty line who have time to date and start families, I think you might be depressed.

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A Keg
Jan 7, 2014

by Ralp

FoolyCharged posted:

I'm 23, a little young to really call myself an adult in this day and age

gently caress you.

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