• "Trying to source gaspacho from a guy who thinks soup is for fags"
  
• "Would you like me to shape the cake into a nice pair of testicles for you, Gary?"
  
• "Wow, look at you Dan you have more nervous ticks than a shoebomber!"
  
• "Is this butter?" "In the shape of the great state of Iowa."
  
• "Can I keep him?" "OK but just for the honeymoon. Because he does bring babywipes everywhere, and we'll never know when we'll..."
  
• "Oh yeah I'd love to speak to Wendy, _{very briefly}"
  
• "Ma'am, the chief of staff of the President" "Get out of the way or I'll loving inhale you!"
  
• "Women at a wedding are like ripe fruit ready to drop, and I am their sexwasp."
  
• "That's like politics in a nutsack"
  
• "Jonah what's the point, you don't show up in photographs?"
  
• "I run a gossiptainment website and this is gossiptaining"
  
• "Yes Ma'am, I was voted 'most likely to do something now' in my High School Yearbook."
  
• "Texting behind your back Amy? What are you, Hendrix texting?"
  
• "The party is over mister "West Wingman". There is a body in the pool and that body is you."
  
• "Sir I don't have anything else in my life!" "He really doesn't" "Thank you Dan-No gently caress YOU DAN!"
  
• "I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your Mom's chin!"
  
• "I'll be back, I'm gonna be back as the loving President. Jonah Ryan, 2026!" "That's a midterm year, Jonah" "Well I'll change it."
  
• "I'm never ambiguous ma'am, not even sexually."
  
• "All my orgasms have come at once."
  
• "What are you doing here, Jonah? Are you the Worst Man?" - victorious
  
• "I hate how he learned English from pornography." - Pigasus
  
• "What do you think of that title?" - "It's so full of poo poo there's a colon right smack-dab in the middle." - Sakarja
  
• "The west wing is in my DNA! And vice versa!" - victorious
  
• "What's Google's number?" - "I don't know, ask Jeeves." - Henchman of Santa
  

• "Your campaign office!" - "What, is this the stables, or something?"
  
• "I'm gonna stay here, do a little pre-prep" - "Why Dan, is that a little pre-stabbing in my pre-back?"
  
• *motions to Jonah* "The edible garbage is out in the back alley."
  
• "It's gonna be called 'Ryantology'; DC insider turned DC outlaw."
  
• "It's a shame they couldn't have arrested someone a little more photogenic, you know?"
  
• "I don't mean to sound paranoid, but he is trying to kill me!"
  
• "This is the unflushable turd left in the can for the next person, e.g. me!"
  
• "I can't identify myself as a woman, people can't know that! Men hate that and women who hate women hate that which I believe, Amy, is most women."
  
• "I am going to be updating more than I am actually dating, which is a shitload."
  
• "Maybe I should just say 'Get the government out of my fuckin' snatch."
  
• "If men could get pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM."
  
• "Bomb bomb shake shake the woomb!"
  
• "Well now we know he's running for president that dumb loving bastard."
  
• "I accept your apology, while retaining the right to fire the gently caress out of you."
  
• "Look, I love abortion. I'm an abortionado."
  
• "Go home, take an ambien. Take 50."
  
• "I am looking at a page, and seeing most of America stand up proudly and say: 'I dunnah.".
  
• "You shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to kill you Jonah!"
  
• "Yeah that's right walk away bitch!" "What did you say!?" "Nothing, nothing."
  
• "I value you sooo much. Go clean up the food out there."
  
• "HuffPo should be called PuffHo because Arianna Huffington is a ho and they only do puff pieces." - Postal Parcel
  
• "The Washington Toast and the Poo York Times." -Henchman of Santa
  
• "Who the hell smuggles swords?" - Nanomashoes
  
• "You're listing trimesters! STOP IT!" -Barfing Cumlord
  

• "Oh that clowcar got a clown in it."
  
• "I'm like Joel Stinebeck, or Denzel Washington."
  
• "I'mma sittin' on the corna!" - "What?" - "Nothing."
  
• "My second marriage took place in the rain. And you could see my nipples in all the photos."
  
• "Ma'am, it's Amy. She sounds uncomfortable, like she's with a member of the public."
  
• "Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans." - "No he really likes you, I'm just gonna go remind him."
  
• "The Saturday Night Live shitstorm? It just hit nine on the sphincter scale."
  
• "JONAD! JONAD! JONAD!"
  
• "Sorry, I was just yelling at the media."
  
• "Who's that lady in the back row." = "Just beat cancer." - "Yeah, but one of the easy ones, like a skin cancer or a finger cancer."
  
• "Amy was born to be with kids." - "Well, peeing is fun."
  
• "I want to know who's responsable for that sketch you cock-" *sees child* "...tail napkin."
  
• "Do I look like I rode in on the last gently caress truck Selina?"
  
• "Seniors vote, they've got nothing else to do."
  
• "And what were you bobbleheads doing while I was getting earfucked by father Tom."
  
• *To daugher* "What in the wild world of gently caress are you wearing!?"
  
• "What's wrong, you look like you killed a hooker." - "No, I didn't. This is... somewhat worse."
  
• "Where I grew up my dad called my mom a cow all the time, its not bad. Its folksy and friendly."
  
• *claps* "What are you gonna do for an encore Mike, punch the kid?"
  
• "I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only think that will make it better is if I become the daughter of the President of the United States."
  
• "I'm appealing to your better nature." - "Mike, I don't have one of those."
  
• *smirks* "You forgot to say it was off the record. That's like Journalism 101 Mike."
  
• "Jonah! You are the dick that keeps on giving!"
  
• "Who are you? A loving nobody? Cause nobody talks to Dee like that." - Thelonius van Funk
  
• "Sorry, yeah, I was just ... yelling at the media." - BUSH 2112
  

• "I need to go to the bathroom. Do they have bathrooms here, or do they put their turds up in 'the cloud'?"
  
• "There's a typo on the home page. Yeah she might have a great sense of density for the country but that's not the line we're pushing."
  
• "We need to make that woman go away. And I don't mean kill her." - "Kill her."
  
• "You're going to Yahoo.
  
• "I lose women and who am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jewish college students I guess."
  
• "I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed!"
  
• "Jonah, get off the line, and then the planet."
  
• "Dan, we have to break this Cassie bitch, the British dick who invented the internet, and anyone in-between."
  
• "I haven't seen my penis since the First Gulph War. And I kinda miss the little guy."
  
• "You know, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your thirties. That's what Andrew did and it kept us completely grounded."
  
• "Uggh. My brain feels like it's being circumcised."
  
• "And you, get me a hamburger made of Aspirin."
  
• "I'm gonna go get some air and throw up in it."
  
• *Points to signature on wall* "Lance Armstrong" - "We're having that one chemically expunged."
  
• "Unlike your boss, his day-to-fuckup ratio isn't one-to-one."
  
• "He said we see 'Craig' momentarily and our withdrawl from Afghanistan has been more momentary than that."
  
• "It's a smart watch, hence 'Smarch'.
  
• "We have a saying here at Clovis, 'Dare to fail'". - "Whell than that's a job well done!" *forced laughter*
  
• "If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've made it."
  
• "We see ourselves as very much 'post-tax'"
  
• "I think there's a misunderstanding. People want to work with us more than they want to be paid, that's a given."
  
• "Recap: Tablets, cool. No tax, awesome!"
  
• "You see these brains, you see why I pattin' em. Because they're solid platinum"
  
• "gently caress YOU STEPDAD ONE AND STEPDAD THREE!"
  
• "I think I just had a moneygasm."
  
• "I'm taking these people back to dialup. You know, they think they're kings of America." - "Well in a way they are." - "No they're not!"
  
• "Hahaha go gently caress yourself. Sorry that's the opposite of what I meant to say."
  
• "You take that chicken soup, and you shove it up your soul."
  
• "Hey Dan, hey pizza delivery buddy, I have some meat you can put in your mouth!"
  
• "You hosed me Dan, you hosed me with your face!"
  
• "Jonah with money... my god, it's like if Hitler could fly." - Kleptobot
  
• "Mike, I am balls-deep into this omelet, can you call this Cassie woman and invite her to Washington already?" - Damo
  
• "How come I don't have a tell-what-to-do guy?" - Damo
  

• "Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!" - Super Aggro Crag
  
• "I torch cars. Give me the nuclear codes!" - Sentinel Red
  
• "I'll go tell the violinist he has the hour off. Although I guess I could have him play me some Smiths covers in the car." - Henchman of Santa
  
• "The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan! The spicy burrito juice!" Zsinjeh
  
• "Oh yeah?! Well, maybe you're a loving idiot!" *spills cheerios* - Zsinjeh
  

• "In my country we have a man, a sort of, companion to Santa Clause," - "Rudolph" Fetus Tree
  
• "He's gonna need a third iPad" thathonkey
  
• "Nobody likes sex!"Popelmon
  
• "Not every country likes to eavesdrop. It's a joke!" Popelmon
  
• "In your country people gently caress snow!" Popelmon
  
• "In years to come, a therapist will have me acting this out with dolls." - "_{I always hated that...}" Sakarja
  
• "You need to be both liberal and conservative. So look at guns, but don't touch guns. In fact, don't even say the word gun at all." grading essays nude
  
• "Where do you get your news? From a guy on a horse?" thathonkey
  

• "What are you molesting coma patients?" - Noirex
  
• "Need to be driven to the airport at diana speeds...just more carefully please" - Fetus Tree
  

Constant Hamprince fucked around with this message at 18:35 on May 31, 2014

BUSH 2112 fucked around with this message at 14:09 on Apr 7, 2014

Sakarja fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Apr 7, 2014

ultramiraculous fucked around with this message at 02:37 on Apr 8, 2014