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Ben Has Tiny Weenus
Feb 17, 2007

Dan is the Man


Welcome Back

It's the off season. We all hate it. What better way to pass the time than to take out our collective boredom and rage on the worst people to happen to the sport that we all love in the past year?

First, a look at the past, through photoshops made by my girlfriend (and brand new goonette, cowbelle):

Past winners unite:


The hall of fame:


The rules this year:
As it was last year, I will take the top 32 football related douches of the past year and arrange them into a bracket divided once again into four categories. Those categories are, once again:

Players: This can include any CURRENT (as of this past season) college or pro football player
Administration: This can include ANY FORMER OR CURRENT NCAA or NFL coach, owner, or administrator
Media: Members of the media. Can include former players or coaches.
Wildcard:: Anything not fitting into any of the above categories, someone who fits into multiple categories, groups of people, winners of sudden death entries. Anything goes here.

As usual, when the matches begin, I will paste player bios (written by you, the voters or halfassed by me if there are non available) and let people vote on one match at a time every two days or so. You will pick your preferred douche and give the best argument that you can for why they should win. The more effort you put in, the more points your vote is worth. A simple bolded name is worth one. An explanation would be worth two. An extended effort post, depending on content, could be worth three or more. Original artwork or other forms of multimedia would be worth potentially more than that. EFFORT = POINTS!

Nominations will be open for ONE WEEK(ish)

Nomination format:
First and foremost, BOLD YOUR NOMINATION OR I WON'T COUNT IT. Then, for bonus points and so I have content for the matches, tell me why your nominee is a douche. Links and pictures are highly encouraged. Usually when there is 24 hours left in the nomination process, I will give you guys a few extra nomination votes to boost your chosen douche into contention.

Who is eligible:
As with the last two seasons, there will be both a big tournament to determine who gets to wear Big Ben's mantle as douche of the year, and a second, smaller tournament to award one lucky douche the Dan Snyder Memorial Douchievement Award of Excellence, which puts them into the douche hall of fame, giving them recognition as long as this is a yearly event. Your Douche that you are nominating must have done something douchey between the end of nominations, which is May 12th, 2014 and the start of the last tournament, which was some time in February, 2013 (archives are down, ugh). References to events outside of that time frame will not be used in competitor bios. If your douche has done nothing of note in that time frame but has been consistently douchey, just nominate them for the lifetime award.

Who is NOT Eligible:
1) The three current members of the Hall of Fame:

-Dan Snyder
-Craig James
-Art Modell

2) Anyone having anything to do with any sort of pedophilia (The Paterno/Sandusky clause)
3) Anyone who has been arrested or put in jail already for what they did (Sharper, Hernandez)
4) People who are in no way related to football. I will allow some stretches, but these will be judgement calls on my part.

If you have any suggestions for how I can make this tournament the best (worst?) one yet, feel free to express it in thread.

That said, I now declare season four of the Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year open!

Nominations will be accepted in...
3...
2...
1...
DOUCHE!

Ben Has Tiny Weenus fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 23:12

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Ben Has Tiny Weenus
Feb 17, 2007

Dan is the Man


Current Bracket


Voting rules:


First and foremost, BOLD YOUR loving VOTE, OR YOU ARE THE DOUCHE!

Your douche will receive points based off of how much effort you put into your vote. It is completely subjective and up to me alone, but the scale looks something like this:

One point: Stating the name of your preferred douche with little to no explanation.

Two Points: Stating your preferred douche with some reasoning behind it. This can be a few sentences or a haiku or something.

Three points: Stating your preferred douche with deep, thought out reasoning behind it. This usually requires a few paragraphs- think those five paragraph essays you wrote in high school for a standardized test.

Four Points: The above, and likely requires pictures, photoshoppery, or legit hilarity.

Five Points: The most I have ever given out. Deep, very well thought out reasoning, original artwork, or a perfect photoshop. These are rare. For a good example of these, check out several of Febreeze's votes from last years thread. You okay buddy? Are they still hurting you?

More than that?: While I have never given more than five, I am open to it. Last year, an Arkansas fan promised a video produced by the university's film department in support of Bobby Petrino's candidacy. It never materialized. Truly, he was the douche.

It's that simple!

Ben Has Tiny Weenus fucked around with this message at May 22, 2014 around 21:10

swickles
Aug 21, 2006

I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some QB that I used to know


Can you tell us who exactly is in the hall of fame?

Ben Has Tiny Weenus
Feb 17, 2007

Dan is the Man


swickles posted:

Can you tell us who exactly is in the hall of fame?

They are the guys in the photoshop, but I added their names to the OP. I should have been more clear. It is Dan Snyder, Craig James, and Art Modell.

Febreeze
Oct 24, 2011

I turn my gaze out upon the field and forever burned into my eyes is a sorry pageant of spectacular failure


I nominate

GREG loving SCHIANO

For what?

Intentionally sabotaging Josh Freeman's career
MRSA and letting the Bucs gently caress Tynes and Nicks
His swarm the victory formation bullshit
His ugly rear end face

swickles
Aug 21, 2006

I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some QB that I used to know


I vote Colin Cowherd because he is Colin Cowherd and legitimately believes that wearing your hat backwards leads to on and off the field troubles. Not to mention the super racist Sean Taylor stuff in the past that he has never apologized for and in fact has doubled down on, but if we have to go this year only, then the hat backwards thing is enough.

I also vote Mark Emmert the president of the NCAA for well, honestly, I don't have the time or energy right now to go into it, I am sure someone else will, but if not I will later on. gently caress that guy in his stupid rear end.

Grittybeard
Mar 29, 2010


Bret Bielema.

Jesus christ loving Bret Bielema.

For transparently using a tragic death to further his on field agenda mainly. But also for being Bret Bielema.

Febreeze
Oct 24, 2011

I turn my gaze out upon the field and forever burned into my eyes is a sorry pageant of spectacular failure


I would also like to Nominate the probable winner of this tournament (if you subscribe to the Evil = douche theorem as I do)

DARREN "MULTIPLE RAPES HOLY poo poo" SHARPER

Also Ray Rice

Detroit_Dogg
Feb 2, 2008



I nominate Ray Rice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OETH5brfTi4

Grittybeard
Mar 29, 2010


Febreeze posted:

DARREN "MULTIPLE RAPES HOLY poo poo" SHARPER

This approaches the Sandusky line for me. It isn't pedophilia but it's so obviously horrible I'd just automatically put him in the DHoF so we can have a competition of some sort.

Then again I guess while we're on the topic Aaron Hernandez deserves a nomination.

ProfessorGroove
Jun 10, 2006

What it is is what it is.

Roger Goodell For postponing the draft and subjecting every football fan to even more meaningless speculation. This is on top of his previous offenses which include the London games, splitting the draft into three days, and sanctioning an awful Kevin Costner movie.

Chichevache
Feb 16, 2010

the second read is unnecessary


Mike Tomlin for interfering with that kick return like a total douche.

Benne
Sep 2, 2011

STOP DOING HEROIN

Richie Incognito, who I thought would run away with the players bracket until Darren Sharper happened.


(Incidentally, can y'all get the "douche vs. evil" argument out of your system right now so it doesn't derail the thread every single round)

Homestar Runner
Oct 9, 2012

This is the best videogame
I have ever played!



Merril Hoge for "Jadaveon Clowney has bust written all over him, what a punk loser amirite"



Mike Shanahan for ironically being the lobster that put Washington in boiling hot water



Aldon Smith for making it abundantly clear that his dumb looks are not a front, no sirree



Also, +1 for Ray Rice and Richie Incognito

Phobeste
Apr 9, 2006

hush now, let the based god sleep


The nameless seahawks fan throwing poo poo on NaVarro Bowman because c'mon, man.

Fenrir
Apr 26, 2005

We will fight them to the last. And we will defend those that cannot defend themselves. Today we fight, brothers and sisters. Today we stand up and never, ever relent. Brothers and sisters -- prepare yourselves. Today we go to WAR!


Phobeste posted:

The nameless seahawks fan throwing poo poo on NaVarro Bowman because c'mon, man.

+1 to this because seriously, gently caress that guy.

And of course, we can't have one of these without at least nominating Skip Bayless... just for being loving Skip Bayless.

I wonder if the Sandusky clause should be expanded to cover poo poo like Hernandez and Sharper though... being a rapist or murderer isn't the same as being a douche.

Fenrir fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 13:46

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006

I was gonna put him on the bus. I got tired of him talking. It was time for him to go home.

I'd like to nominate Pete Prisco for just generally not knowing wha the gently caress he's talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6OklMbxkw8

Edit: also, +1 Ray Rice

SlipUp fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 14:46

MrLogan
Feb 4, 2004



ProfessorGroove posted:

Roger Goodell For postponing the draft and subjecting every football fan to even more meaningless speculation. This is on top of his previous offenses which include the London games, splitting the draft into three days, and sanctioning an awful Kevin Costner movie.

Still sad that Goodell isn't in the Douche Hall of Fame yet.

A Man and his dog
Oct 24, 2013

Here now stop having underage anime ass as your avatar


I nominate Jameis Winston for raping some poor girl and getting away with it because you know "Football"

Parmesan Basil
Nov 12, 2008

DO NOT DENY YOUR DESTINY


AJ McCarron for that hideous chest tat and thinking he's worth a first rounder
Taylor Lewan for threatening surprise sex on a surprise sex victim like a trust Steeler poo poo head.

Fenrir
Apr 26, 2005

We will fight them to the last. And we will defend those that cannot defend themselves. Today we fight, brothers and sisters. Today we stand up and never, ever relent. Brothers and sisters -- prepare yourselves. Today we go to WAR!


MrLogan posted:

Still sad that Goodell isn't in the Douche Hall of Fame yet.

Agreed, I think that's something we need to take care of this year.

Kirios
Jan 25, 2010

Few Head Coaches have ever granted the Fifth Freedom. It's the right to defend our team, by attacking it. To safeguard our wins, by losing them. To save seasons, by tanking them. To do whatever it takes to protect our team. The Fifth Freedom is mine alone. I am Case Keenum. I am a Splinter-back.


As much as it pains me to say it Arian Foster probably deserves to be in this bracket in some way, shape or form for getting a woman pregnant while married and attempting to force her into an abortion.

sweet thursday
Sep 16, 2012



I spent too much time in MSPaint trying to draw a goatee on a feminine vaginal douche product with my laptop's track pad before I just said gently caress it this joke isn't funny enough to begin with

Cruel and Unusual
Feb 19, 2013



The 12th Man

Manoueverable
Oct 23, 2010

Dubs Loves Wubs


Are we doing a separate HoF voting again this year? Cause I agree with the nomination of Darren Sharper for the HOF just to get it out of the way so the result isn't a foregone conclusion. Alternatively, I'd also like to nominate Skip Bayless and Roger Goodell for the HOF as well on general principle.

Those nominations can count for the regular tournament as well if there's no HoF tournament, but I'd also like to nominate Mark Emmert, the former president of my alma mater ( ), for being the public representation of how lovely the NCAA is, and Ray Rice for the regular tournament

Detroit_Dogg
Feb 2, 2008



I maintain that Darren Sharper isn't a douche but a genuinely evil human being.

Coldforge
Oct 29, 2002

All of this happened because I pretended to be something I am not.

Am I supposed to be an animal now? Or am I supposed to be myself?


More specifically, the Seahawks fans who pushed their "Russel's a good'un, Colin's a thug" bullshit for two years.

Coldforge fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 18:44

Nibbler
Feb 13, 2007

America's Game, the way it's meant to be played.

I agree with the above, but if we do groups of fans it will be never-ending...Penn State Sandusky apologists, FL State Jameis supporters, etc. I think we should try to stick more with individuals. Like the douche that threw popcorn on Bowman...

Anyway, I nominate Goodell for HOF for his general suckiness and this year for the draft nonsense.

Elotana
Dec 12, 2003

and i'm putting it all on the goddamn expense account



Seconding Bret Bielema and firsting Nick Saban for continual no-huddle whinery and attempting to back-door the five-second snap rule under the "player safety" exception in the total absence of evidence. Also Saban always belongs in this tournament.

Elotana fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 18:48

Coldforge
Oct 29, 2002

All of this happened because I pretended to be something I am not.

Am I supposed to be an animal now? Or am I supposed to be myself?

Nibbler posted:

I agree with the above, but if we do groups of fans it will be never-ending...Penn State Sandusky apologists, FL State Jameis supporters, etc. I think we should try to stick more with individuals. Like the douche that threw popcorn on Bowman...

quote:

Wildcard:: Anything not fitting into any of the above categories, someone who fits into multiple categories, groups of people,

Ben Has Tiny Weenus
Feb 17, 2007

Dan is the Man



Two of the three champions have been groups, as year two had the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals and the third had The University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I allow groups because while they have the advantage of being multiple people, it is a lot easier to both hate and put blame on individuals.

For the Darren Sharper and Aaron Hernandez stuff, what is the consensus on this? Yes, the tournament is a lot more fun when we are clowning on DBags, but the tournament is named after an alleged rapist, and the reasons that Notre Dame won last year was due to being evil. If someone can come up with a reason why Roethlisberger should be allowed and they should not, I will add them to the list of non eligibles.

commy gun
Apr 5, 2009



Febreeze posted:

I would also like to Nominate the probable winner of this tournament (if you subscribe to the Evil = douche theorem as I do)

DARREN "MULTIPLE RAPES HOLY poo poo" SHARPER

Also Ray Rice

I don't think we should nominate people like Darren Sharper because It'd be great if there was a TFF thread where surprise sex and domestic violence wasn't discussed pages at a time.

+1 for Merril Hoge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzLvGOs99oA

Nominating Jamele Hill for overall douchness and pieces like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nou2J1aq3xY

Alouicious
Feb 7, 2012



Bobby Petrino for finally making Western Kentucky relevant then *poof* out the door back to Louisville

swickles
Aug 21, 2006

I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some QB that I used to know


Tallahassee Police Department because investigating is hard.

Ben Has Tiny Weenus
Feb 17, 2007

Dan is the Man


How does this sound as a proper rule for who is too much for this light hearted tourney: If they are currently facing (major) criminal charges, they are out. This means that Big Ben remains the tournament mascot because he was never charged.

Sound good?

commy gun
Apr 5, 2009



I'm down.

sweet thursday
Sep 16, 2012



Let's just invoke the Potter Stewart "know it when I see it" clause.

Rasczak
Mar 30, 2005



Jeff Ireland

- Terrible GM
- Terrible human being
- Everyone who meets him thinks he's a douche
- Punchable face
- Asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a whore
- Harbaugh clownshow
- Brandon Marshall debacle
- Incognito controversy was probably somehow his fault
- gently caress this guy

Chichevache
Feb 16, 2010

the second read is unnecessary


Ben Has Tiny Weenus posted:

How does this sound as a proper rule for who is too much for this light hearted tourney: If they are currently facing (major) criminal charges, they are out. This means that Big Ben remains the tournament mascot because he was never charged.

Sound good?

I think doing that division of "douches can't be evil" is ridiculous. The definitions are so vague that we would be fighting over every single candidate and that is such a loving boring way to do this. If we try to eliminate all the bad people and go super lighthearted with this then we will just end up with Brady winning it all because he dresses like a douche while Goodell waltzes because he's too evil for this forum to call him a mean name or some poo poo like that.

Arguably the most evil man in history, Hitler, is still a douche. I feel comfortable calling him one and I'm sure you all do to. When I say he's a douche no one ever stops me to say "Wow, bro. Guys in trucker hats are douches. Hitler must not be because that would be too extreme." No, Hitler is still a loving douche. So is Sharper, so is Notre Dame, so is Sandusky, and so is every rear end in a top hat who wastes time debating this.

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football fuckerman
Sep 1, 2007


Russell Wilson for divorcing his wife immediately after winning the Super Bowl

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