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lizardman
Jun 30, 2007

My Amp Traction, how will I ever live without it? They changed the formula. I actually had a hard time completely finishing the can! Now how will I give myself kidney stones and shut my liver down?


Yes, I know how silly this topic is. I know the way to get somebody to stop talking is "Please stop talking" or some other variant of being direct/assertive, so think of this thread as a general "how to be assertive without feeling guilty about it or coming across like an rear end in a top hat" topic.

And YES, I do realize the irony in writing a long post about somebody who talks too much.

I'll run through this bullet-point style for easy digesting:

- This 'problem' isn't as immediate as it once was; there was a while there very recently where I was living with him and it got pretty bad; I would go to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and he would start up a conversation (or really, he would just start talk to me and continued on whether I was saying much of anything in return or not) and what I intended to be a two-minute trip to the kitchen would turn into a 45 minute monologue from my dad. Though I live on my own now, I still see him quite often and it's a challenge not to let visits to his house to pick up my unforwarded mail (or whatever errand) become me being an audience to his one-man show.

- Some background info on my Dad: he's 60+ years old, white male, was born in Ohio but since the majority of his extended family lives/lived in Kentucky he considers himself southern and sometimes speaks in an affected southern accent (which he insists is his real accent, but I've always been skeptical of that), divorced my mom about 15 or so years ago, is generally pretty uptight and conservative (I've never heard him associate himself with the Tea Party crew - I've found he tries hard to posture himself as a kind of Joe Everyman as he sees it and he tries to askew any labels - but honestly that's pretty much what he is politically), former military (he worked in logistics, never saw combat or anything). Currently he works part time at a paint store and otherwise spends most of his time watching TV.

- Me: late 20s single male, bi with an active sex life (I've never told him this; if he suspects anything I have no idea, he's never dropped any hints). I'd let him stay with me and my brother for a year while he was trying to buy a house, and then when he got it he let us stay with him (which I'm genuinely grateful for, especially since I was going through a bit of a financial pickle at the time). That lasted for about a year and a few months until I got my own place (I told him it was so I could be closer to work, which is true, but my not really enjoying his company was an even bigger reason).

- A typical "conversation" with my Dad usually starts out with greetings, then with him detailing about what he's been up to since we last saw each other (usually something mundane); he usually presents this in a story format (so instead of, "hey I set up an appointment with the doctor tomorrow because my stomach feels funny" it's more like "so yesterday I was feeling OK but then I felt kind of bloated, and then suddenly I had tons of gas and when I sat down my poop had a weird consistency to it. So I called the hospital and the receptionist, who was a real sarcastic broad, told me....") which I'm sure is him just trying to make things more interesting, but it means it takes forever for him to get to his point.

- Before he can even finish his story, something he says will make him go on a tangent---this tangent is also in story form, and in the middle of that he will digress on another tangent, and so forth, so his original point is delayed further and further. It is near impossible to find a pause in the conversation, and I've often resorted to interrupting him to try to get him back on track. I usually do want to at least hear what his initial point/piece of information he was trying to deliver to me before he forgets it or I manage to find an opportunity to get out.

- His topics of conversation generally include random stories of himself when he was young (often having to do with cars), a story about his own parents (often having to do with cars), cars, especially cars from the 50s, 60s, and 70s (he is aware I don't have much of an interest in cars), stories about my mom, the various histories of obscure actors from the 50s, and politics.

- I find his political talk especially tiresome because, even aside from his positions and opinions, he is very disingenuous and manipulative and I almost never feel like he is speaking in good faith; I feel he will say almost anything that would make his 'side' look good and pick on anything that will make the other 'side' look bad. He also doesn't seem to have any sense that suddenly dropping controversial or heavy topics in casual conversation is at all undesirable. I've told him I'm not comfortable with all of his political talk and he's tried to cut back a bit; but he admits he finds it extremely weird why I don't like it and he can't 'figure out' why. He listens to a lot of talk radio and I think he's grown to find it completely normal for people to just get up on their high horse for hours a time. (The only time I've gotten curt with him was when I told him to "quit his bitching" over some political subject. He was startled and genuinely befuddled, and said, "I'm not bitching - I'm talking with you.")

- Like I said, he's uptight and has kind of a narrow set of interests, and what's more, is very quick to tell you that he doesn't like something, and that's pretty much anything that lies outside his set of interests. I've long since stopped trying to talk to him about anything particularly interesting to me, as it most often leads to him droning on about how much he hates it or just generally being dismissive and going back to whatever he was interested in talking about (this actually went even further than just conversations; for instance, I'd stopped watching TV when he was around because I got tired of hearing how much he disliked whatever I was watching). He isn't trying to be a grouch and genuinely doesn't seem like he is being judgmental of me or anyone--- there just aren't really many things he enjoys or likes.

- I contribute barely anything to conversations with him anymore. I've learned that to say anything of substance at all just encourages him and keeps him going, like adding fuel to a fire. If I say anything, it's mostly to try to get him back to his original point and trying to wrap up the conversation as fast as I can.

- He is aware that I don't enjoy hearing him speak for so long. I've done the whole 'drop subtle hints' thing and he is not oblivious to it. There have been moments where he nods and tells me "I know, you're being polite" and will go right on talking without any apparent effort in trying to hasten things up. I have literally been about to go out somewhere, my ride waiting in the driveway, the front door of the house open with my hand on the knob and one foot out of it, and he continues talking with only the barest effort to try to get to the point while I'm giving him a "can you please just get to the point" glare.

TLDR: So why don't you just tell him to shut up?
It's a combination of general lack of assertiveness, a deflated sense of self-esteem, and most relevant to this situation, that I feel guilty about it. He doesn't have any real friends, he doesn't have any other family left aside from my two uncles that live in another state and he's not close with anymore (I always got the impression they didn't really like him); his children are really the only people he has left, and especially the only people he has to talk with over anything. He talks a lot about how much he wants to 'be there' for me and my siblings and it kills me that inside I want to tell him "Can you, uh, 'be there' less for us?" I get the feeling he wouldn't mind at all if I had just lived with him in his house for the rest of his life, dropping certain comments like "I saw a thing on facebook that said 'while you were out growing up, your folks were growing old'" and almost tearing up.

Also, in spite of the fact that he must seem like a very negative person (and he is), his general demeanor when he talks is pretty jovial; he has an enthusiasm for himself, and his late parents, and old movies and cars, that actually would be a little endearing if it weren't all that he wanted to talk about. He's just kind of a sad man in general and I feel like I'd be kicking someone when he's down, and it keeps me from doing the things I want to do around him.

Anyhow, any commentary is welcome, even if it's just laughing at my stupid first-world problem or how I talked so much about how someone is talking so much, or that I'm too much of a pussy/doormat to do the obvious thing, or what have you.

lizardman fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 09:13

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Womens Jeans
Sep 13, 2007
POO IS FUN

Congrats on sticking it to your lonely elderly father. You sure are a big man, all busy with your important life and important job.

Dylazodelan
Nov 8, 2009


Push him over.

Fatkraken
Jun 23, 2005

Fun-time is over.

Womens Jeans posted:

Congrats on sticking it to your lonely elderly father. You sure are a big man, all busy with your important life and important job.

nah.

The dad is a grownup and he needs to find some friends to yak at. He's in his 60s and has a job, he's not 80 and housebound, he can meet a bunch of other conservative gasbags who actually share his lovely opinions and talk to his hearts content

Being literally the only social outlet for someone is pretty loving exhausting, even if they are a relative, especially when it's as one sided and selfish as this guys conversations seem to be. The real question is, HOW can the OP help his dad find other social outlets, and how can he do it in a way the dad won't reject.

HondaCivet
Oct 16, 2005

And then it falls
And then I fall
And then I know


I clicked on this thread because I was like "hey this sounds a whole bunch like my dad" and yep, we have very similar dads. I can't say specifically what causes Chatty Dad Syndrome but the only thing you can really do is be more assertive with your time. I know it feels lovely because he's your dad so you might have to briefly pretend he's not your dad and deal with him however you'd deal with an overly chatty stranger (I'm assuming you have the social skills to do that at least?). Take any kind of pause you can find, say "hey dad it was great seeing you but I really have to get going" and then move out. It's your job to set your own boundaries. You can't control whether he shuts the hell up or not but unless he's locked you in that's pretty easy to deal with unless you're so cripplingly meek that you can't move your feet when confronted with conversation.

As for his obvious loneliness, he's an adult and you can't fix his social issues for him. It isn't your job because, again, he's an adult with his own agency and so are you. If you want to try to help him out, maybe you could make suggestions of stuff he'd like to do or places where he might make some friends? He's obviously really into cars (I think most Chatty Dads are), maybe you could help him get into some sort of car-related project or local group? Or suggest some places or events he might like? Does it sound like he's making any friends at his job? Again, it's not your job to fix him but you can try to offer help if you'd like to see him happier.

Lt. Danger
Dec 22, 2006

jolly good chaps we sure showed the hun

Meet up with him on a semi-regular schedule just to talk. Maybe he takes you out somewhere to eat - he talks, you listen and get a meal. He gets it all out of his system and you only have to deal with his blathering in a controlled situation.

Any other time he starts yapping away, you just tell him to save it for the next hanging-out session.

Nathilus
Apr 4, 2002

I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

My dad is chatty as hell too, though he's not as grumpy or infinite-loop-y as your dad. He used to sometimes chat absolutely random people up for no reason whatsoever. I coped by learning to do the same. We can now drat near talk over each other and still hold a coherent conversation, though he has gotten somewhat less chatty in his old age. Only issue is that I had an ex who HATED that I would randomly talk to strangers in public, she found it to be the epitome of bad manners.

What I'm trying to say is give in to the chat and soon your journey toward the blab side will be complete. It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now a chatty cathy.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Tell him you bone dudes and he might be less comfortable around you, problem solved.

The Walking Dad
Dec 31, 2012


Boy I sure do love the son that I raised and I care about dearly, it's really great to have someone who will listen to you who you've known for 20+ years. I remember when he was just a little kid and we would talk for hours about nothing in particular, now that he's all grown up he has his own interests and he has grown distant, I suppose it's to be expected but boy I sure get excited on the off chance he comes by the house to pick up his mail or whatever, I'm old and stuck in my ways so a lot of folks just don't have the patience to listen to me, but my boy still cares and that means the world to me.

I wish he was more open about his life, I've noticed a few things about his lifestyle but if he doesn't want to talk I won't ask, I think its best if I just give him his space, I just hope he knows how much I love him.

keroppl
Jan 4, 2013


Maybe try actually talking with him instead of just thinking what a conservative cis white male he is while he talks.

opie
Nov 28, 2000
Check out my TFLC Excuse Log!

Learning to listen to people ramble while you mentally go somewhere else for a while is an important skill that you have an excellent opportunity to practice. It will especially come in handy if you ever get married.

Slime
Jan 3, 2007


Jeza posted:

Tell him you bone dudes and he might be less comfortable around you, problem solved.

He should go one further and not only tell his dad that he bones dudes, but yammer for an hour about the last dude he boned.

FordPRefectLL
Dec 29, 2007
LL

My dad is a conservative guy who doesn't like Obama or liberals or whatever but I found out instead of quietly stewing over it I can actually debate with him and it's pretty cool.

I had a long period of not talking to my dad and now that we talk again I cry occasionally in the bathroom by myself imagining what it's gonna be like when I can't talk to him anymore even if we don't have a whole lot in common.

Lyz
May 22, 2007

I AM A GIRL ON WOW GIVE ME ITAMS

opie posted:

Learning to listen to people ramble while you mentally go somewhere else for a while is an important skill that you have an excellent opportunity to practice. It will especially come in handy if you ever get married.

A-loving-men to that. And eventually you'll care about it so little you'll just go on doing whatever you were doing and if they want to keep talking to you they can follow you.

satsui no thankyou
Apr 23, 2011



Kill your dad, op.

Dirty Sanchez
May 6, 2006


Maybe he's doing cocaine. Cokeheads never shut the gently caress up.

Koivunen
Oct 7, 2011

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour

You should feel guilty you rear end in a top hat. Your dad sounds awesome, you should listen to his stories and pack some away in your mind for when your dad is long gone. I know next to nothing about my dad because he hardly talks and mostly what comes out of his mouth is "yep" and "well..."

When you turn 60 I hope your only relative is someone who despises you and thinks you need to make new friends. It can be hard enough meeting new people when you're younger, try being 60 and "set in your ways."

This is an incredibly first world problem to have. Suck it up you jerk and let your dad talk to you. Maybe if you took down this huge wall that you have built up around you and actually engaged in conversation you might enjoy it, or at least make your father, who loves you, happy.

Prokhor Zakharov
Dec 31, 2008
Good luck with your depression!


I advise the Kuuenbu method OP:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OYZ04mCGCo

Beyond sane knolls
Aug 27, 2007

Bonus.


Slime posted:

He should go one further and not only tell his dad that he bones dudes, but yammer for an hour about the last dude he boned.

OP should bone his dad

Keanex
Sep 14, 2005
Nobody wants Keanex in a can.

The Walking Dad posted:

Boy I sure do love the son that I raised and I care about dearly, it's really great to have someone who will listen to you who you've known for 20+ years. I remember when he was just a little kid and we would talk for hours about nothing in particular, now that he's all grown up he has his own interests and he has grown distant, I suppose it's to be expected but boy I sure get excited on the off chance he comes by the house to pick up his mail or whatever, I'm old and stuck in my ways so a lot of folks just don't have the patience to listen to me, but my boy still cares and that means the world to me.

I wish he was more open about his life, I've noticed a few things about his lifestyle but if he doesn't want to talk I won't ask, I think its best if I just give him his space, I just hope he knows how much I love him.

Your dad won't be around much longer (jerk)

StrangersInTheNight
Dec 31, 2007
Exchanging glaaances..

Koivunen posted:

You should feel guilty you rear end in a top hat. Your dad sounds awesome, you should listen to his stories and pack some away in your mind for when your dad is long gone. I know next to nothing about my dad because he hardly talks and mostly what comes out of his mouth is "yep" and "well...".

This thread is not about you and how you're sad about your dad, so shut up and stop guilting the OP with useless bullshit.

Spending miserable time with someone put of pity and obligation is awful. You can't force yourself to like someone you might not gel with, and OP's dad sounds like an exhausting energy vampire who knows his son doesn't always want to stop and catch up, but who does it anyway. It's hard to be around a put up with selfish people. My boyfriend's dad is this way too, and his poor wife has receded so far into herself she's no longer a person anymore. She's just like one of those toy dogs with no personality or drive from being carried around as an accessory all day. Just a husk of a woman with a man yammering at her all day, and then when his kids visit he talks at them so much they eventually get fatigued and shut down, until he's talking at a room full of people who aren't emotionally or mentally present. That's not family, hell that's not even really being together. It's just purgatory.

OP's dad is a functional adult, he's not an invalid and it's not fair to make his son his only social outlet. Just because you're upset that your dad doesn't wanna spend time with you doesn't change that.

Ugh what a terrible ideal of family, people who HAVE to spend time around each other even if it's terrible. I much prefer that the people in my life are around me because they want to be, not because they feel saddled with ny presence until I die. That's just the most pathetic thing I can imagine, and a cruel thing to do to someone. His dad deserves to be around people who WANT to be around him, and putting on a show so he'll feel less lonely probanly isn't doing him any favors. I'm willing to bet he senses it and it fills him with a deeper loneliness than if the OP only stayed around when he was genuinely motivated to do so.

So yeah you should go to therapy for your dad issues though, Koivunen, because drat.

StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at May 4, 2014 around 23:34

MassaShowtime
Aug 16, 2012

Saviour, thy name is Knuckle


You say your dad talks to much and so you wrote a loving essay about it hahahaha.

Al Nipper
May 7, 2008



Dad, please read this 5000 word thesis on how you talk too much.

Also yes, I wear a size 7 panty, GET OVER IT.

Glasgow Kiss
Dec 12, 2007

She was my dream, my muse. A vision suitable for the wide-screen format. I can still taste her fist against my face. The sweet sugary sweat from a lifetime of diabetes. A heartbeat you could hear from six blocks away. One big pump every hour.

MassaShowtime posted:

You say your dad talks to much and so you wrote a loving essay about it hahahaha.

It runs in the family.

Cotato
Mar 25, 2002



Not sure why your dad keeps wanting to talk to you, you seem like a loving rear end in a top hat and your dad sounds like a cool dude.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Either stop hanging out with him or grow some balls and engage him in his lovely opinions

Khanstant
Apr 5, 2007


Just play a game on your phone, that's what I do whenever someone talks to me for too long (more than a standard youtube video length)

Hawkie
Jul 20, 2010


Bullet points = good
Verbose bullet points = bad

the
Jul 18, 2004
UNDEAD NED STARK KILLED JOFFERY TYWIN STRANGLES MARGAERY OTHER FAKE SPOILERS JUST WATCH THE SHOW

I'm sorry your dad wants to spend so much time with you.

Some people's dads are dead.

Others completely ignore them.

Others use their fists to talk instead.

So basically stop whining.

Uncle Salty
Jan 19, 2008
BOYS

Some people love to talk, and it can be exhausting to be around them. I am a super chatty person. It can be tricky to read the signs of "shut the gently caress up, I need to not be hearing your voice right now".
I don't have any advice, I guess, except to let your dad know that you love him, even if you don't have all day to listen to his wall of sound.

A Keg
Jan 7, 2014



Tell your dad, who is in the early stages of dementia, that you suck the dicks of men and like it.

tbp
Mar 1, 2008



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Michael Arlowe
Feb 19, 2011

and your a little faggot that has no friends , you retarded mushroom

Part of being an adult is being able to find common ground even with people who have views that you don't agree with. Your father's lonely and cars and old movies are p. cool interests.

Canine Blues Arooo
Jan 7, 2008

when you think about it...i'm the first girl you ever spent the night with


Something I've done with my dad, whom I have very little in common with, is take a legitimate interest in his. He's a diesel mechanic by trade and he's done it for close to 30 years, making the knowledge he's acquired over the years pretty robust and extraordinary. So, whenever we are around tractors, I ask him about them. I know enough to follow and have gathered more information about them because of him. I've developed a legitimate interest in tractors and how they are put together over the years because of it and all of a sudden find myself not spending time in his shop as a teenager as a huge lost opportunity that I wasted away.

Anyway, that worked really well for me. Try that.

martyrdumb
Nov 24, 2009

pants are overrated


Michael Arlowe posted:

Part of being an adult is being able to find common ground even with people who have views that you don't agree with. Your father's lonely and cars and old movies are p. cool interests.
No, the best part of being an independent adult is the ability to avoid spending time with people you don't like. It's OK to set up boundaries, whether it's with your parents or coworkers or weird strangers. It's nice to hang out with my parents (or talk on the phone) once a month or so. Any more than that? Doesn't happen. It's not an easy thing to learn, though. And if you're dependent on someone, you can't set boundaries easily (or maybe at all).

It sounds like OP has already moved out. So now, just spend less time with your Dad. Maybe move further away as needed. I found that a 12-hour drive away from my mom was a good distance. Not seeing her every week has helped me establish firm boundaries on my time.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


martyrdumb posted:

No, the best part of being an independent adult is the ability to avoid spending time with people you don't like.

*shakes head sadly and disappointedly*

Michael Arlowe
Feb 19, 2011

and your a little faggot that has no friends , you retarded mushroom

martyrdumb posted:

No, the best part of being an adult on SSI for sadbrains is the ability to avoid spending time with people you don't like except WOW guildmates

Lindsay LoHan solo
Apr 17, 2014

This makes no sense, I know.

I wish that my dad could still talk to me, or even that he was just still around; but I haven't heard from him since he joined that monastery and took a vow of silence.

Crimpolioni
Mar 9, 2014



Murder your cis-male dad for the crime of loving his gay failson.

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hypersober
Mar 27, 2006
...

My dad yells at the TV; doesn't matter what he is watching he just has to state his motherfucking opinion.

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