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Haha, I'm in. Dramas: all that popular highfalutin stuff, so, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, The Americans...and trash like Revenge  Comedies: I've seen a little bit of a lot of stuff. I go more for witty stuff than cringe (so, I hate Girls, but stuff like It's Always Sunny is just funny enough to make the cringe bearable). I actually like and watch Malcolm in the Middle, King of the Hill, Veep, Bob's Burgers, and Archer. Reality: Survivor, The Amazing Race, Top Chef, RuPaul's Drag Race, etc.
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May 11, 2014 00:24
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24 Sleepy Hollow Almost Human Arrow HIMYM The Americans Justified The West Wing Terra Nova(  )Suits Burn Notice White Collar Modern Family Covert Affairs Prison Break House of Cards Orphan Black Fargo Ready for judgement. 
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May 11, 2014 00:35
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These will be the last assignments made tonight as I'm feeling bad and didn't sleep much last night as I'm sick so I'm going to bed. Aye Doc: Metal Hurlant Chronicles Season 1 Episode 7 FreezingInferno: Grimm Season 3 Episode 17 SHUPS 4 DETH: Beauty and the Beast Season 2 Episode 15 Ironic Twist: The Carrie Diaries Season 2 Episode 10 Senerio: Falling Skies Season 3 Episode 6 CuwiKhons: Sleepy Hollow Season 1 Episode 7 Geeves: Camelot Season 1 Episode 5 Propaganda Machine: The Goldbergs Season 1 Episode 20 JohnSherman: TekWar Season 2 Episode 6 And Zaggitz, your Ghostbuster review was magical. And since nobody correctly answered my challenge earlier in the thread I will let you review my favorite television episode of all time. Zaggitz: Homicide Life on the Street Season 1 Episode 5 I'll be around maybe 30 more minutes if you've seen or can't access these. But no new requests will be filled until tomorrow. X-O fucked around with this message at 00:48 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 00:45
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Flight of the Conchords Season 2 Episode 4 Stream of viewing review. What I think this show is about going in: I think it's kind of like Tenacious D, like it's a comedy musical thing? But with hipsters. My dad had the song "Too Many Dicks on the Dancefloor" on his iPod (he's pretty hip for an old guy), I think that song was from this show. Or Portlandia. Is Portlandia a musical too? I mostly hate musicals (yeah, I know) so hopefully this won't be too sing-y. Whatever, let's do this. Beginning Okay this ep is titled, "Murray Takes it to the Next Level." The intro song doesn't really tell me anything. What the gently caress is the office guy's accent, like where is he from? I'm thinking South Africa but there are no black people so that can't be right. Where are all of these guys from? Why are they so mumbly? I literally have the volume up on my TV all the way and I can barely hear/understand them. Oh they're a band! That explains the songs and all, so it's not really a musical, it's part of the "band" aspect. Kinda weird with the instruments in the elevator and I'm hoping this isn't like a "monkeycheese" type random I'm-so-funny show. "Tuesday" KRISTIN SCHAAL! I her name is Mel/Mal. This could be pretty okay. Why does this man's bike helmet have hair? Was this explained in a previous episode? Oh wait gently caress it is a musical. The song has revealed the two guy's names are Brad and Germain. Office man and Germain have to be South African. How can you not enjoy a blanket fort?! Oh he's from New Zealand. Are they in New Zealand, and Kristin Schaal is the immigrant? Montage/Jim Why are they trying to be more friends? Gramatically that makes no sense but I don't know how else to convey what the point of this episode is. Ahaha, "friend agenda = fragenda." I think office guy is Murray. Yes, Jim (as played by Jim Gaffigan) has confirmed that. Oh god, is this taking a turn for the, "do you like gladiator movies, Timmy?" Nope, just a zillion questions. "Thursday" Much like Bob's Burgers, Kristin Schaal is clearly the best part of this show (I like Bob's Burgers a lot, actually, but she's the best). Wait...when is this show? It has that Napoleon Dynamite-esque in the 80s but not really thing going on. YEAH KRISTIN SCHAAL GOIN' CRAZ(ier than usual)Y, WOO! Germain is kind of is a dick, but much like the streams, you should never cross the friends groups. Why the gently caress do they keep bringing their instruments to the elevator?! Are they really in the car or is this just for the acapella music number? Ok bowling alley and poo poo now, just part of the song. I am less annoyed by this song than the previous. My thoughts after having now seen an episode of the show: I still don't know what this show is about, what era it is in, what area of the world it is in, or what I would technically classify it as genre wise (comedy? Drama? Musical theatre?). It's definitely a musical, so I got that much right, but I think I am more confused now that I was going in. I don't think I enjoyed it but I am oddly curious about additional episodes and if there is some kind of a coherent story to the whole thing or it's just snapshots of the lives of two not South African dudes who play live elevator music for a living. There is no movement towards anything from the beginning of the episode to the end, like nothing has occurred or been resolved or established or anything and I think you could probably insert this episode in between any other episodes and it wouldn't make a difference. I understand this show was quite popular but I'm not even sure I can tell who the target demographic is for an audience.
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May 11, 2014 00:49
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I have to say, I expected you to be even more confused than you were. That's an odd rear end show, especially being dropped right into the middle of the second season.
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May 11, 2014 00:53
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Okay second viewing done, and that was definitely worth watching a second time. Daamn that was a fine choice Deadpool. So here goes my review for Scrubs season 3, Episode 14 - "My Screw Up". The very first thing I see of this show is the presumable main character narrating his thoughts while giving a female colleague a foot massage. The thought narration gimmick was something I didn’t really understand the point of. His occasional internal monologue didn’t strike me as particularly funny or insightful. I assume it’s something that’s in every episode so maybe it’s something about the format of the show that I just didn’t get. (I think, having watched the episode twice, that the episode being more about Dr. Cox than the narrator may have at least been part of why it seemed so out of place.) The first of the two main plots of the episode introduced is the upcoming marriage of Turk and Espinoza. They have a whole thing about how Espinoza doesn't like Turk's mole on his upper lip and wants it to be removed. He ends up agreeing but only if she'll take his last name when they get married. The two of them both feel simultaneously guilty about what they're making the other do, and reluctant to go through with it, until they both finally agree that it's not worth it. This plot has most of the humor of the episode, and to be honest I didn't really care for it. Especially on the second viewing, it felt really out of place for reasons I'll expand on later. The other main plot, and the one the episode is named for, deals with the arrival of Dr. Cox's best friend - his brother's wife Ben. Ben is a character I assumed hadn't appeared on the show for a while (or perhaps this was his first appearance, I don't know). Anyway Ben has been away for 2 years on a trip around the world that he went on after his leukemia went into remission. He's returned now for the first birthday party of Cox's son. He's probably the most amusing part of the episode as he spends most of it pulling pranks or generally being silly. Cox also scolds him for not seeing a doctor once during the whole 2 year trip and that he needs to get tests done. About halfway through the episode the main character (ok I looked his name up it's JD apparently) expresses concern to Cox about the health of an old man who’s been having heart troubles. Cox dismisses the problem and tells him to go do some tests on Ben to make sure that his leukemia is still in remission while Cox leaves the hospital to see about some birthday party business. When he returns, JD tells him that the old man had a heart attack while he was away and that there was nothing that he could do to save him. Cox decides that JD must have screwed up and takes him off seeing patients. Cox then spends the next two days trying to handle both his own and JD’s patient loads which is clearly too much for one person. It seemed like the guilt over dismissing the old man’s symptoms has caused him to lash out at JD but it seemed to me like a bit of an overreaction. Ben spends the rest of the episode following Cox around and trying to convince him not to blame JD or feel so guilty about all this. In the end, Cox forgives JD and they discuss going to his son’s birthday party that afternoon. On the way to the party, Cox and Ben talk and after finally promising Ben to forgive himself for what happened, Cox asks Ben if he’s going to take some pictures. JD walks up behind him and asks “Pictures of what?” “You know, pictures of kids covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never met him before, the whole routine!” JD gives him this really puzzled look and asks “Where do you think we are?” At which point Cox turns around and the camera pans over to where Ben was standing… except he’s gone. So yes it turns out that they were heading not to Cox’s son’s birthday party but to Ben’s funeral home. This twist really got me. My first thought was that this had been one of those “dead the whole time” things, which is why I rewatched it right away. But no, people were clearly interacting with Ben, so when had he died? It was actually so much more clever than I realized – when I got to the scene with Cox returning to the hospital, suddenly I understood. JD said “20 minutes after you left, he went into cardiac arrest. There was nothing we could do.” There was no mention of the old man, and my mind just filled in the blanks. So the second watch through suddenly showed me how clever the writing in this episode was. Yes it had all the standard Sixth Sense tricks like no one but Cox interacting with Ben for the second half of the episode. But what I really liked about it was that it managed to make innocuous lines into really dark humor on the second viewing. My favorite line in the episode was Cox saying to Ben “I don’t attend parties where the guest of honor has no idea what’s going on.” I actually said “Holy poo poo” out loud at that point. There were numerous other references to the upcoming event that I assumed on the first watch were the son’s birthday party that now clearly refer to the funeral. The humorous parts that didn’t have to do with Cox now seemed completely out of place on the second watch. I don’t think that this was necessarily a failing on the part of the show as they were probably necessary to make the illusion that this was a “normal” episode up until the reveal at the end. I guess my problem with it is that aside from a few chuckles I didn’t really find the show all that funny. In the end I really liked the conceit of this episode and what they did with Cox’s character, but I’m not sure whether or not that would carry over to enjoying the show as a whole. Still, for my first episode that was definitely quite impressive. I’ll take another assignment, though I won’t get to it until the middle of the week since I’ll be more busy the next few days.
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May 11, 2014 01:00
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13Pandora13 posted:Flight of the Conchords Season 2 Episode 4 Stream of viewing review. Oh man. As somebody who loves Flight of the Conchords, this is amazing. I kind of want to solve your mysteries, but I also don't want to ruin your fun.
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May 11, 2014 01:06
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Propaganda Machine posted:Oh man. As somebody who loves Flight of the Conchords, this is amazing. I kind of want to solve your mysteries, but I also don't want to ruin your fun. This is exactly where I am right now, and I hope 13Pandora13 decides to watch more of it.
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May 11, 2014 01:09
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Deadpool posted:VIP? I don't see it on Hulu. But I do see She Spies! You bastard. The Killing 3x03 I don't even know what I watched. I know this show is supposed to be heavily serialized, and is a 3rd string AMC show (and I thought Rubicon and Hell on Wheels were garbage), but it was just slow and plodding and I have no idea who was who or why anyone did anything beyond "is cop" and "is a gross pedo." This was another cops vs serial bad thing doing bad guy show with cops that had vague and undefined motives, one male and one female. Apparently the main - never shown - antagonist is Aatrek with a video camera. Someone is also on death row for reasons that are never explained, but we see him there doing mundane death row things intermittently throughout the episode enough that he clearly must be or must have been important at some point. There are police working on catching Aatrek, but they make no real progress. The show has extended segments following a junkie male prostitute and a kid who follows him around who may also be a young male prostitute. It seems evident that Aatrek preys upon young female prostitutes exclusively, as this is explicitly stated by the police and by a friend of the kidnap victim, Cally, although any context or elaboration is not provided, so why we are following male prostitutes was confusing to say the least. Underaged prostitution is definitely a major subject though, as well as those who facilitate it, including the kidnap victim's deadbeat mother. Where this goes is not explored in this episode. This show is meant to be watched as a whole, and as such made very little sense in our little experiment here. If someone was killed, as the title implies, I guess death row guy did it? Nobody was apparently killed from what I saw, but rather abducted to make child porn, although maybe she was killed later. The acting, direction, writing, and everything else seemed fine, ranging to quite good. I would call the pacing slow, but I hesitate to say that because this felt like, and probably was, watching a snapshot of a much larger picture. I didn't enjoy it, but I don't think anyone could like this.
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May 11, 2014 01:10
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Saved By the Bell: The New Class - Season 1, episode 7 - Homecoming King! I graduated high school with Zach, Slater, Kelly, Jessee, Lisa and Screech. I also graduated with Brandon, Brenda, Kelly, David, Donna, Andrea, Steve and Dylan. I actually did watch most of Saved by the Bell when it was on, and even The College Years! So I had an idea of what kind of pain I was in for with this assignment. I was prepared. So when I say, I barely noticed I was watching an episode of The New Class and not the original Saved by the Bell, I mean it. LET'S MEET OUR CAST Scott is new Zach. The only difference is, he's got brown hair. He may or may not be new to the school. Tommy is new Slater. I originally thought for about 1/3rd of the episode that he was new Zach, but I was wrong. He's Italian instead of hispanic, but still a "bad boy". There's one other big difference we'll get to in a minute. Weezel - Hell, I don't know if his name is spelled regular or some cool 90's version of Weasel but most things in the 90's used z's instead of s's so I'm gonna go with it, is new Screech. He's got about the same hair as screech, similar speech patterns, and a fake name. Also, the same crush. Lindsey is new Kelly. The only difference is that she's the smart nerd and not poor. Megan is new Lisa. She's black and a fashionista, and Weezel apparently has a crush on her. Vicki I guess is new Jessee but she had so little to do this episode I couldn't get a read on her character. I'm not even sure her character's name was said in the entire episode. Also, I had to go back, rewatch the credits and look the show's entire cast up on IMDB, clicking the "show full cast list" button to find her, because she's apparently only in 13 episodes. And of course, Dennis Haskins is still Mr. Belding. And always will be. Sadly, this is a pre-Screech returns episode, so we'll have to deal solely with the B-team and some C-team players until Screech fails out of The College Years and comes slinking back to Bayside with his tail between his legs. THE EPISODE The very first thing I noticed about this episode is that it uses the exact same opening credits. This is supposedly a new show but they were so cheap they couldn't even spring for some new animations from the 90's instead of the 80's. I mean, they did add pictures of the new cast and put a handy "The New Class" under the title card but otherwise, exactly the same.  Our story opens in the Bayside Gym, which holds approximately thirty kids. Some of our heroes, including Lindsey and Tommy, sit on the three rows of bleachers and others sit in the three rows of chairs. You literally could not get even a half-court into this gym. Mr. Belding announces the nominations for homecoming King and Queen. Nominated for Queen is Some Girl We'll Never Hear About Again, and Lindsey! Nominated for King is Some Guy We'll Never Hear About Again and Chad Westerfield! WAIT HOLD THE PHONE IS THAT ---  HOLY poo poo IT'S JAMES MARDSEN! Now it's a party. Now, like I said there's one big difference between Slater and Tommy, and that is that Tommy is dating Lindsey, and I don't recall Slater ever dating Kelly. So after the announcement, Chad grossly hits on Lindsay, who blows him off. Later, Tommy and Lindsay are studying in her room, which looks exactly like Kelly Kapowski's bedroom with the bed turned a different direction. Gosh those jokes about Tommy not knowing French sure are funny! Especially when he accidentally calls Lindsay's mom fat! Lindsay's mom, by the way, is wearing the most 90's hair you've seen since the Backstreet Boys and the kind of vest we all stopped wearing in 1990.  I'm pretty sure she's rocking some shoulder pads, too. Anyway, Mom doesn't like Tommy because he's dumb and also he ate an entire cake in their fridge, which, I mean, I don't remember any teenage boys eating entire cakes right out of my fridge when I was that age, but my school had two full sized gyms, so what do I know? Mom tells Lindsay she has to date other boys because... of... reasons... Plot related reasons. Because she just does, okay? We cut to the Peach Pit. Or whatever the restaurant in Saved by the Bell was called. We're gonna call it the Peach Pit because it's probably still a better name than whatever SbtB calls it. Chad and Weezel sit with a couple of nerds. You can tell they're nerds because they suspenders and bow ties and thick black glasses the way every nerd on TV and literally nowhere else in the 90's did. They also think Urkel is cool. Because, nerds.  The nerds and Chad talk about who they're going to ask to the dance, and Chad says he'll probably ask Megan, then gets up and goes and talks to his cool guy friends. He tells them he's only hanging with the nerds for homecoming votes, so you know he's slimy. Lindsay, Tommy and Vicky enter, and join Weezel and Megan. Lindsay bemoans her having to date other boys fate, and Scott graciously agrees to pretend to go out on a date with Lindsay but they'll actually meet up with Tommy. This is when we find out that Scott is Zach, because he turns and talks to the camera. About trying to kiss Lindsay while out on their fake date. Scott does not appear to have magic time-stopping powers, so he's truly a second-rate Zach.  We cut to the theater, which I'm fairly sure is just the gym set redressed. Also it's the cheapest theater ever because the seats are all folding chairs. Anyway, Scott "accidentally" left Tommy the wrong note at the Peach Pit so Tommy wouldn't know to come to the movie theater. He proceeds to put the moves on Lindsay, who seems pretty up for it. But right when the kissin' is about to start, Tommy's magical thought bubble appears, and Scott chickens out. They head back for the Peach Pit. And I'm sure Scott/Lindsay/Tommy plot point will never ever show up in another episode of this show again!  At least it doesn't this episode. Mr. Belding, Mom and some other adults show up at the Peach Pit because apparently the adults did all the planning and work for the homecoming dance and they're having waffles and coffee. Of course just as Scott and Lindsay walk in, Tommy confronts them, magically not seeing Mom sitting three feet away. Mom tells Lindsay for her deception, that she can't go to the dance. With Tommy. Oh, she can still go. Just not with Tommy. Because of plot reasons. So the next day at school Scott falls on his sword and breaks up with Lindsay because... he's... a bad guy? I guess? It's not clear. I think he's supposed to be a bad boy. His black jeans and flannel shirts scream bad boy, don't ya know. There's this whole B-plot where Megan wants Chad to ask her to the dance and Weezel tells her Chad is gonna do it. And then Chad is about to ask Megan at her locker, but just as he's gonna, Vicki runs up and tells Megan the news that Lindsay can't go to the dance with Tommy, so Chad backs away. Later, in class, Chad is allowed to interrupt the class all our heroes are in together to read the most cringeworthy poem you've heard and ask Lindsay to the dance. She says yes. Tommy is sad, so he, Scott, Weezel and Vicki launch this whacky plan to keep Chad from being declared homecoming King because for some reason that's going to make everything better. I'm not sure why, or how, but it JUST IS, OKAY? Stop questioning it. So, instead of swaying the entire school to vote for The Other Guy, who, in predictable form isn't even mentioned, though, they decide to get Tommy elected. With write-in votes. Because um... Lindsay deserves a King, I think? Weezel asks Megan to homecoming and... she... accepts? She actually realizes Chad is a scumbag and Weezel cares about her and ... okay this is a plot point I actually kind of liked, because unlike the whole Screech/Lisa thing where he kept trying to Nice Guy her into being with him and she clearly wasn't interested, in this one episode at least, Weezel is genuinely nice to her and doesn't seem to be pushing himself onto Megan, or doing things for her JUST to get her to go out with him. I am actually not 100% sure there's a Weezel is in love with Megan subplot at all. Anyway, the scene where Weezel asks Megan to the dance is well done and I liked it a little. There. I said it. Scott asks a girl-nerd out. So like, he does literally exactly what Chad was doing with the boy nerds, lies to the girl and her friends and says they're "the real babes of Bayside" and is clearly just doing this to curry favor with the nerds so they'll write Tommy in for King. But, it's not slimy when Scott does it like it was when Chad did it... because... the good guy is doing it...?  Please note that Scott is literally closing his eyes here because the girl nerds are so ugly. This is not my joke. This is the show's joke. Vicki also asks a slobby / "fat" football player to the dance for exactly the same reason in the same way. And then Scott gets Chad to admit on-mic in Mr. Belding's office to the entire school that he only sucked up to people to get them to vote for him for King. So it's totes okay that Vicky and Scott did it because... it... was. Somehow, Chad does not figure out that he was on mic despite insulting every clique in the entire school.  Finally, we're at the homecoming dance inside the teeny tiny gym. All twenty six Bayside students are there, Mr. Belding and Lindsay's mom! There's your usual dance shenanigans. Scott and Vicki not having a good time with their dates, who, may I remind you, they willingly asked to go with them. We are apparently supposed to feel sorry for them. Finally it's time for the coronation and.... surprise twist... since Megan went to the dance with a Nerd (Weezel) all the nerds wrote in Megan for Queen. Apparently the nerd vote is SUPER POWERFUL and big enough to win the entire election. Lindsay is totally cool with being beaten by a write-in who wasn't even in the running. Tommy wins King, but turns it down if Lindsay can't be queen. Lindsay's mom, chaperoning the dance because apparently Bayside has exactly one teacher, hears Tommy's speech and gives Lindsay her blessing to date Tommy. Chad crowns himself King, and tries to dance with Megan, who turns him down to dance with Weezel.  With the election over, both Scott and Vicki are relieved to ditch their dates to dance with each other. We're supposed to be happy for them. Closing dialog: Tommy: So are you upset you're not homecoming queen? Lindsay: No, because I'm dancing with a prince! FINAL THOUGHTS This was, all in all, exactly as bad as I'd hoped it would be. It had plot threads that went nowhere, terrible fashion, stilted dialog, heroes acting like villains, and gaping plot holes. Even in the early 90's we knew Saved by the Bell was poo poo, but we had nothing better to watch Saturday mornings that wasn't kid's cartoons and damnit we were teenagers so, we're going to watch the teenager show! But really, except for a few small bits and pieces, The New Class is exactly the same. Basically the same characters (and some exactly the same), same sets, same fashion, same writing, same theme song, same opening credits. If you want a hot heaping dose of trite 90's crap -- watch this. Or watch the original. It doesn't really matter. It was still fun for me because of the nostalgia and the comparison, but unless Deadpool makes me, I wouldn't watch any more of it again.  Uninteresting side note: a girl I went to high school with had a recurring role in The College Years. And a bit part in American Beauty. Last I heard, which was 10 years ago, she was back where we came from. Annakie fucked around with this message at 01:35 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 01:14
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Annakie posted:HOLY poo poo IT'S JAMES MARDSEN! Help, my sides have left my body and entered orbit. Fantastic review Annakie.
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May 11, 2014 01:20
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Deadpool posted:Josh Lyman: Primeval Season 5 Episode 6 I don't know the premise of this show. The only thing I do know is what I glanced from Wikipedia while looking up which episode to watch: it's a British show on ITV and was cancelled after 5 season due to low ratings. This is the series finale, though I don't know if the showrunner had a chance to wrap things up. My guess is yes since British TV doesn't have fuckoff long seasons like we do in America. Live Reaction -Previously On Primeval... -Why is there a T-Rex in London? Wait, portals are opening all over the world and dinosaurs are everywhere! -Julian Bashir from Star Trek DS9 is in this?! -There's something called the ark that... looks like the Fox News version of the inside of a fusion reactor. -Episode starts with a guy regaining consciousness on what looks like the surface of Venus. -OMG a monster from Star Wars with Predator vision! -Julian Bashir is a bad guy and running the ark. -Annnd an Irishman just jumped into the fusion reaction... oh, it's a portal to Venus-Earth. -The command center for the ark looks even cheaper than Star Trek TOS. -Irish and someone who looks like Billie Piper with bleached hair have traveled to Venus-Earth to save a guy named Connor. -Venus-Earth is confirmed to actually be Earth! -There's so much shakycam. I literally don't think I've seen a single stabilized shot. -The "tech person" is a cute redhead  .-Not Billie Piper just told Connor a secret to convince him to return to London seemingly that she's pregnant with his baby. But if Venus-Earth is also Earth, does that mean it's actually future Earth and London is present Earth?  -The techie redhead works for a politician-type and I think they're also in present Earth. He looks familiar but I can't quite place him. -The ark is growing out of control, and Julian Bashir is going to redeem his character by sacrificing himself to run the self-destruct. -The self-destruct appears to have failed and the anomaly is now the size of a building. -In possibly the only smart thing I've seen so far, techie redhead takes off her heels as she and her politician boss attempt to escape from Star Wars monsters that presumably followed Irish, Not Billie Piper, and Connor back through the portal. -Apparently, if you fuse the prototype anomaly with the one that has gotten out of control, that will shut it down because -Everyone has arrived at techie redhead's office, which I guess is a lab where the prototype is? -For an end of the world apocalypse scenario, I sure don't feel much tension. -Irish is driving the prototype into the big anomaly when they could have just locked down the gas pedal and sent in the car. They're only about 100 yards away. -Annnd Irish is actually completely fine. "How did you survive?" "I don't know  ."-The secret that Not Billie Piper told Connor was that she was going to propose to him? Lame. -I looked up the politician boss. It's Ben Miller, a comedian/actor who quit a PhD in physics. I saw him host an episode of BBC Horizon. -OMG, the final scene Irish is confronted by another Irish, presumably from a dystopian future! He said, "Go back, you have to go back!" which is basically this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39BIdOP0D6E Summary This show is a ripoff of the Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood. It seems like the premise could be okay, investigating anomalies around London, but the acting, CGI, and plotting don't really have me interested in watching any more, and the show seems to have the potential to have REALLY bad episodes. I would describe the show as Torchwood with the quality of a Syfy movie, which despite not being the worst thing imaginable, is also something that nobody should watch. One more and then I'm done. As bad as this was, I'm waiting for something truly awful. Maybe something from Glee (bailed after season 2), Grey's Anatomy (bailed after season 3), Dexter (bailed after 6 episodes), or True Blood (bailed after the pilot). Josh Lyman fucked around with this message at 02:10 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 01:32
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Homecoming week is coming up, which means there’s gonna be a a banquet for the alumni. It’s is invite only for current students but since football star alumnus Johnny Walters is going to be there, Slater and Kelly want to go. Zach could clearly not care less about Johnny Walters. One of Zach’s teaching assistants, Mike, lets himself into their suite. He lives in the building, but a TA letting himself into a dorm room feels extremely creepy, especially since he’s 15 years older than the rest of them. Mike also lets them know that he used to play football with Johnny (both college and on the 49ers). Zach’s opinion is changed when he finds out that Johnny is on the board of three(!) major companies. When he runs into Johnny later, he excitedly tells Johnny about how big a fan he is. Johnny therefore invites Zach to the banquet, and lets him bring Kelly as his date. Mike warns Zach about Johnny’s unreliability, but Zach accuses him of being jealous. At the banquet, Johnny introduces Zach to the chairman of the board of a major computer company, and invites Zach to be the fourth at their golf game the next day. When Zach tells Mike about the golf game, Mike tells him Johnny only invited Zach to play golf to feed his own ego. Zach accuses Mike of being jealous, and wants to go anyway. However, after Johnny is a dirtbag to Kelly, Zach is disillusioned and refuses to go with Johnny to the golf game. Instead, Zach goes to apologize to Mike, who admits he probably was jealous, since he misses football so much. Zach tells him that “the kids here really need you!”, which is a ridiculous thing to say to a TA. Here’s my major problem with the episode. Zach’s paper is due “next week,” and he SHOULD be thinking about networking. Maybe this is recession-era college attitude speaking, but it seems to me that this kind of valuable networking is like the exact kind of door college should open. Why the hell would Zach, a finance major, prioritize an essay for his psychology elective over this, especially since a week is a long time to write a paper? Isn’t having to deal with Johnny a small price to play for face-time with such an important player? Leslie gets a ticket because her parents donated a library and are going themselves. Leslie is tired of her parents micromanaging her life, so she invites Screech as her date to the banquet to mess with them. Leslie’s parents are shocked by his obnoxiousness. Once they finally get enough of his nonsense, they pull her aside to sternly lecture her about making better choices. She comes clean that it was all a ploy to get them to recognize her individuality, and they apologize, which Screech interrupts to be annoying. There's also some nonsense about Alex becoming the school mascot. When she gets it, she has to go to the black tie banquet in it, embarrassing Slater, her date. THey eventually make up and kiss. Overall, not a bad episode. Harmless enough, though holy poo poo is Screech annoying. B+ Random Thoughts:
User-Friendly fucked around with this message at 02:15 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 01:45
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I just finished my second episode and uh, I'm gonna have to a)give myself some time to reflect on it. and b)rewatch it once or twice because drat. Just drat.
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May 11, 2014 01:54
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Oh man this thread is fantastic. Here's my first one: House of Lies Season 2 Episode 8 Okay so I almost checked this show out when it premiered based on the cast (Don Cheadle, Kristen Bell, Jean-Ralphio) but the reviews were negative and I never bothered. Since then it's fallen off the radar completely from what I can tell. I remember the general plot being that the main characters work for a company that are evil in some way and they lie a lot, hence the title. While getting the episode I found out that they are management consultants, who I guess are scumbags? The main characters are the three actors I mentioned before plus one other guy who I think wears glasses, so I'm going to name him Glasses. Live Reactions: Distracted myself through the previously on. It looked pretty boring, then Don Cheadle got beaten up by cops at the end. The team are in a dildo store. The cinematography is crap. Constant close-ups with very little to establish the location. Cheadle calls to tell Bell he can't make it while Jean-Ralphio and Glasses (who actually does wear glasses!) play with the fake breast and vagina models. Cheadle’s dad and brother visit and comment on the beating. Cheadle’s brother did not bring scones. Glasses recognises the name of a porn star the sex store guy says. Then they go to the dildo factory, in a montage that is clearly meant to be really funny. They’re making sex things! Kristen Bell looks a bit awkward! God dammit Deadpool. This is going on for quite a while. This dildo company is the best-quality one but are getting beaten on prices. Oh, the head of the dildo company is Adam Brody. So far you have to find the concept of them making dildoes inherently funny, and I cannot claim to be sold. I think there might be about to be a scene of Kristen Bell trying out a dildo. She gets sassed by Brody for being prudish and then he sends her a bunch of sex toys and then Kristen Bell tries them out in her office but we don’t see it but I still feel sorry for her. Don Cheadle’s brother tries to convince him to start a media furore over the beating while they get some good product placement in for the UFC video game series. Cheadle wins the match and the scene ends with him somberly saying “Take that…motherfucker.” Glasses comes up with the idea to have husbands make custom moulds of their penises for their wives, and then there’s something about his dick having ‘unique proportions’. Brody shows up at the office to court Bell and they immediately head off to his place. We get a good look at Cheadle’s Nokia phone before he picks up someone who might be his son. The kid starts yelling in a museum or something about how all cops are racist. I’m having trouble connecting the apparent genuine drama over the beating storyline with the whole dildo thing. The scene between Cheadle and his son goes on for-loving-ever as he calms him over the cop thing and lets his son move back in with him. Then Brody and Bell - I’m not making this up - shill Nesquik chocolate milk for a second before she shows him a wedding invitation from her ex with ‘gently caress YOU WHORE’ written on it. The invitation was also addressed to ‘Cunty Cunterson’. This is a show that largely deals in broad strokes. Bell tells Brody his company manufactures ‘a pretty sweet gently caress stick’. There is some odd flirting and then they bone. Cheadle brings his son home and his brother has some people round who try and convince him to use his story to springboard a larger examination of race in Los Angeles. It’s given about as much thought as it takes to recite it. Cheadle kicks them out angrily and his dad talks to him about it a bit and it’s not at all interesting. Then there’s some more boring stuff where he gets yelled at and there’s only a quarter of the episode left but this is a real slog. Glasses and Jean-Ralphio make fun of Bell for having sex and there’s more banter and then Cheadle is on the plane they’re getting on and they react to him looking all beaten and like, he was beaten!!!! and everyone is sad. Then this happens: “You know what I do want to talk about? Cock rings. And Ben Wa balls. And dildos, and….plugs.” He carries on mentioning sex things and eventually makes her laugh and I’m a little baffled. They talk about her boning Adam Brody and it gets somber again at the end. I don’t know that an interesting way to write about this exists. Now they’re in Vegas and some guy dressed in karate gear bitches about the Grand Canyon and laughs at Grumpy Cat and I think it turns out he doesn’t even care about the reason he made them all travel there anymore because he’s an idiot. Jean-Ralphio gambles and wins money while Cheadle kisses the other black character in the firm (who had maybe a handful of lines of dialogue and no interaction with him whatsoever before that moment) and the episode ends. Final Thoughts: Obviously you can’t get the whole sense of what a show is about from one contextless episode, but that whole thing just exuded a sense of...pointlessness. The plot was very slight - a lot of time is spent on Bell’s storyline, but all it boiled down to was “Kristen Bell gets laid, lol/hooray”. The comedy was very lame and never rose above childish amusement about the existence of sex toys but was overall more successful than the drama, which felt consistently forced and was never interesting to me. I felt I might have been missing something with Cheadle because he was an overly grumpy rear end in a top hat even considering the situation. Jean-Ralphio and Glasses were just there to dick around and not be funny. The product placement was blatant and sometimes bizarre - I really have to mention again that Kristen Bell and Adam Brody drink Nesquik together, and refer to it as “Quik”. It just didn’t feel like there was any reason for it to exist. It didn’t make any use of its fairly intriguing premise, the storylines didn’t have anything to say, none of the dialogue had any sense of a personality, the actors didn’t appear to be having any fun, and it clearly has to rely on awful deals with technology and flavoured milk companies to get by, so why even loving bother? This was a dud for me. Escobarbarian fucked around with this message at 18:02 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 02:04
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Annakie posted:Saved By the Bell: The New Class - Season 1, episode 7 - Homecoming King! The nerd vote is surprisingly strong. My sister went to a much bigger high school than I did, so they had a full voting round for nominations. She and the nerds got her on the ballot as one of five girls in the running for the final title, and this apparently made a bunch of people really mad! Her homecoming speech was read at an assembly by her favorite teacher while our mom walked her on a promenade around the gym. It's hilarious! It's also on YouTube, but since this is The Internet, and the YouTube is titled with our uncommon last name, I guess you goons are SOL. But trust me; it belongs on a so-bad-it's-good afterschool special.
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May 11, 2014 02:09
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Zaggitz posted:Help, my sides have left my body and entered orbit. Fantastic review Annakie. There are so many great ones already but yours and hcreight are amazing 
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May 11, 2014 02:32
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Propaganda Machine posted:Oh man. As somebody who loves Flight of the Conchords, this is amazing. I kind of want to solve your mysteries, but I also don't want to ruin your fun. Solid Poopsnake posted:This is exactly where I am right now, and I hope 13Pandora13 decides to watch more of it. I think I want to give it another couple of episodes - do you guys recommend any in particular? Will starting at the beginning answer anything or not really?
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May 11, 2014 02:37
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Primeval Season 3, Episode 4 I know nothing about this show. From the picture on Netflix I see it’s a BBC production that involves people standing in front of dinosaurs, so I’m going to assume it involves dinosaurs timewarping to modern day or something. Edit: I WAS EXACTLY RIGHT Okay, so the episode starts with two characters, neither of whom are dinosaurs and are therefore wastes of time, talking in some weird facility. They walk into an observation room and we see some doctors experimenting on something that looks kind of like a dinosaur but not really.  PICTURED: NOT A DINOSAUR, SO WHO GIVES A poo poo It breaks free and in order to sedate it they need to turn off their cloaking device, which will mean the heroes, referred to as “The Arc,” will detect them. I have no idea why they need to do this. Then we see a bunch of people in The Arc doing a bunch of poo poo I have no clue about. There are a bunch of people, but the only relevant ones to this episode are Connor, who I will henceforth refer to as Hoodie for his lax compliance with dress code (this is a government institution, presumably, and he’s showing up for work wearing a hoodie, jeans, and fingerless gloves, for Christ’s sake), Bossman, the head honcho who I never caught the name of, Jenny, who’s a hardass, and Abby, who barely appears in this episode for incredibly stupid reasons. Hoodie is sad because some guy named Cutter is dead, which also means that Bossman puts Jenny in charge. They detect an anomaly, so Jenny, Hoodie, and Abby head out. When they get there, the building is empty, but then they’re accosted by the lady from the cold open, who denies them access to the anomaly. They have no power there for some reason and have to just turn around and leave despite it all being unbelievably suspicious. While this was happening, some guy with a terrible haircut broke into their car and stole… something. Hoodie intercepts a call to Abby from a guy named Jack who says he’s “gonna show her a proper good time.” This bothers Hoodie, who I assume must be Abby’s boyfriend. The guy who broke into their car was a journalist, apparently, and took the object to his boss to prove his claims that there are actually dinosaurs coming back, using the object to find an anomaly. There’s a new anomaly, but Abby is missing somehow. The journalist, his boss, a camera crew, and for some reason a paleontologist arrive at the anomaly which is in the middle of an airplane hangar. When Hoodie and Jenny get there, the journalist steps out in front of their car like an idiot and gets hit. He was looking for help; something big apparently came out of the anomaly. He points them inside a hangar and then locks them in when they get inside. The journalist rejoins the others in time to see a motherfucking Giganotosaurus Rex burst out. If you don’t know what a G. Rex is, it’s a T. Rex, but more hardcore in every single way.  It eats the paleontologist and cameraman and flips the car the journalist and his boss hide in. Hoodie and Jenny are set free by a guy named Danny, who they apparently know and dislike. I get the feeling he crashes these sorts of things a lot. He followed the journalist there, except that makes zero sense because you’re just now freeing them and the journalist has been there for a while. They get to the hangar, but the G. Rex went back through the anomaly and will likely be back shortly. They help the journalist and his boss and lock him in the hangar they were trapped in, but the G.Rex comes back. Danny annoys everyone with his meddling and is threatened with arrest by Jenny, which she fails to follow up on. The G. Rex comes back, leaves the hangar, and attacks a nearby passenger jet. The crew of the jet are trapped and Becker shows up and has to distract it. Hoodie gets in a parked baggage truck and drives it to the plane to distract the dinosaur, letting it chase him down the runway. At some point during all this, Abby inexplicably showed up, and Danny got away and stole a goddamn helicopter, which he apparently knows how to fly.  JURASSIC PARK WAS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE Realizing he can’t outrun it, Hoodie is able to trip the G. Rex by applying the brakes. However, he is taught a cruel lesson in proper safety habits when the vehicle’s lack of seatbelts causes him to hit his head. He's trapped by the G.Rex until Danny shows up to distract it with the helicopter and leads it towards the anomaly. The journalist and his boss manage to escape and head back to the hangar for their camera, which honestly probably wouldn't convince anybody in the long run anyway. When the G. Rex gets back the journalist and his boss are eaten, or maybe they aren’t, it’s really confusingly shot. I’ve watched it like four times and I still don’t know what just happened. It’s all over, but Abby tells Hoodie they need to talk about something. When he gets to the flat they share, he finds Jack wearing nothing but a towel. He fears the worst but surprise! Jack’s just her younger brother, and Abby needs Hoodie to stay somewhere else for a few days while he’s in town. So let me get this straight: Abby took off work at her classified government job without notice in the middle of the day to deal with her younger brother and nobody gives a poo poo? What? People died! What the gently caress is wrong with you? Also Hoodie apparently has two mini-dinos as pets, which seems like a billion security violations. Man, what the gently caress is this show? The effects are serviceable, I guess, but the pacing is all off, it repeats itself, and the performances aren't great. The plot is boring as poo poo, too. I feel like it needs to more fully commit to being stupid. Edit: Keep these coming. Arist fucked around with this message at 03:26 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 02:45
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Zaggitz posted:I just finished my second episode and uh, I'm gonna have to a)give myself some time to reflect on it. and b)rewatch it once or twice because drat. Just drat. This is how I felt, too! The difference is, you watched one of the greatest episodes of TV ever made, and I watched, well... METAL HURLANT CHRONICLES Season 1, Episode 7 Loyal Khondor "In legend and in fact, it is known as Metal Hurlant."  I had seen the ads for this show with Kelly Brook's boob window and the sleak outfits and the bad CGI. I had a rough idea in mind of what this show would be and it came out and shattered it in every conceivable way. I think that reviewing this as a serious sci-fi show is doing a disservice to the creators, when it is clearly a self-aware masterpiece that happens to feature music by Jesper Kyd. Here is the official Syfy synopsis of this episode: A loyal warrior seeks an elixir to cure his Princess from the dreaded “cold disease.” Already off to a good start, with a fatal illness just named "cold disease." They even go out of their way to call it "The Cold Disease" so that the viewer knows that nobody working on this gave a drat. I knew from the first words spoken that this review could only be properly done with plenty of audio-visual aid; it seems like they pulled someone off of Newgrounds' forums to both write and narrate this introduction. Here is the narration & introduction theme to get you properly in the mood: http://tindeck.com/listen/lrbz First off, I had to turn on closed captions to understand all but two of the actors in this; John Rhys-Davies and some stuttery guy pulled off the streets who somehow has more screen time than John Rhys-Davies. It sounded like everyone was French, in the bad kind of way such as what you see in any of David Cage's video games. What makes the French accents so insane is that these people are ACTUALLY FRENCH but sound nothing like French people! Marc Duret plays the role of King Targot, a leader of some undiscussed, unseen, irrelevant but supposedly large group of people. The King seems to switch between a French accent and a generic English accent from line to line. The title character is Khondor, who is some kind of mash-up of Star Trek beings with Pumpkinhead with a Jamaican male with a hissing grass snake. This actor, Karl E. Landler, is actually French but his accent was perhaps not appropriate for space, so he decided to blend in a not-at-all subtle hiss to go along with a Jamaican twinge to everything. Considering 90% of his lines are meant to be spoken in a menacing tone, it leads to some incredible results. If anyone can decipher what he is saying in this clip, I will be shocked: http://tindeck.com/listen/zjji  Marem Hassler plays the freshly ill Princess Alaria, who is introduced to us and given at most ten seconds of screen time before The Cold Disease infests her body and starts to turn her to ice. I was confused at how a seemingly healthy woman (minus whatever is going on with her eyes) could become so ill so quickly, but if there is one thing the Metal Hurlant writers are good at, it is excruciatingly detailed exposition. We can see that she is pale and trembling, but for those of us without such great eyes, the King is sure to point out his pale, trembling daughter. Instead of discussing the Princess and her disease, the King gives a speech about how the Lagyirhs (??????) have won the planet, but not the galaxy. I suppose parental priorities are a bit different when you rule over a set of people spread out over a variety of spaceships, but drat, that's cold. "Only the food the l'acimar which grows on our planet is the cure." That is a direct quote, telling us about this planet we will never see, which grows this food we will never see. The Cold Disease kills in one month; the Princess bemoans that she has never fallen in love or had sex with a man, and she throws a desirous eye at Khondor as she says this. Sadly, Khondor will not find himself getting some of that sweet frost booty, as the King makes sure to tell us that "if she was to be lost, Allaria's death would provoke a mass suicide." How miserable is this population's lives that their princess is their sole reason for being? Khondor sets off on his journey, finding the one guy who does not or is not trying to speak in a French accent in this population, asking him about the man with the cure, Holgarth. For some reason, this random soldier made sure to take notes about Holgarth's plans and activities - just in case someone would ever need to track down someone who appears to be a nutjob alchemist. These notes lead to a man named Xero Throbe, who has a "passion for games" amongst other things. Considering that Khondor's suit and the background graphics of this game are ripped directly from Mass Effect 3, he is probably not the only one with such a passion. Am I insane or is this a fleet of Reapers??  Once landing on Xero Throbe's third-rate Mos Eisley Cantina, Khondor finds a loving Jawa. Then he beats up some guy and heads off into his one-room spaceship, that looks like Boba Fett's Slave I. "It's far too quiet," says Khondor, sitting in a small tin can in the middle of space. His spacecraft hurtles towards Holgarth's location, firing volley missile "level okko," which saves him from two laser emitting defense devices.  In contrast to the gray, brown, and black of the previous locations, Holgarth's planet is vibrantly green and has had its contrast setting raised quite significantly, allowing us to see how cheaply made Khondor's costume is. Happening upon a greenhouse, Khondor steps in to confront The Alchemist, played by John-Rhys Davies. This is the only scene in this entire episode where the acting grade rises above an F; Khondor is still so poorly acted that he brings the scene down to a D+, though. Also funny to note is that Davies apparently has enough clout to go "nah, French accents are dumb" and is allowed to just go with his regular Welsh voice. "How can you have been waiting for me, when we have never met?" The twist is revealed! The Alchemist wants to preserve Khondor's race, has wanted to find him, has been WAITING for him... on an isolated planet, with defense drones set up that shoot out lasers at incoming ships, deterring them from approaching. So Holgarth offers an immortality potion to Khondor, as his race is apparently amazing (I mean, poo poo, he beat up a bald guy and has some weird facial features; gotta be a unique race). At this point, my thought process is - why not take the potion and give it to the princess, and she lives? Just say sure Holgarth, I'll drink your silly potion, a-heh-heh-heh, like a Scooby Doo villain trying to hide his intentions. Instead, he threatens to kill Holgarth and then take the cure... without knowing what or where the cure is! If Khondor's species is worth saving, how dumb are the rest of the species in this galaxy? Despite the constant exposition present in every other scene, Holgarth revealing to Khondor the cure for The Cold Disease is done via an unheard whisper. At this moment I am thinking oh my, I wonder what it could be, I can't wait to be surprised! And then dummy Khondor says that "if I take this potion, then the princess will die." All of the suspense ripped away in a moment, as Khondor reveals he must give his life for the Princess to life.  Upon returning to the Princess and telling them of the cure, the Princess implores him not to do it and saying that she must die. Khondor's loyalty knows no end, however, as he informs her of the mass suicide of her people if she dies. He then slits his throat. A short death scene later, it cuts to the dead Khondor crumbled on the floor, with the Princess kneeling over him and drinking of his blood like a vampire. Just listen to the sound effect of the now-unfrozen Allaria, drinking of Khondor's life-giving fluids. http://tindeck.com/listen/bddw  "I save you... you save them." The final words uttered by Loyal Khondor. It is a line that belongs in the Iron Giant, except Vin Diesel would have made it sound compelling instead of like a toddler trying to relay a thought. Holy poo poo, Deadpool, this was a winner and then some. There is one final thought I have about this episode that I feel perfectly summarizes the intended tone, the actual tone, and the quality of entertainment that I got from watching this: Holgarth is built up as this incredible villain, this monster, with such great power. He is instead a gardener, happily maintaing a private green house on a planet full of beautiful flora and fauna. Bonus feature:  He is diagnosing Allaria with The Cold Disease. Using what seems to be a stapler that he is holding upside down.
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May 11, 2014 02:47
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I loving love this thread so much.
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May 11, 2014 02:50
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13Pandora13 posted:I think I want to give it another couple of episodes - do you guys recommend any in particular? Will starting at the beginning answer anything or not really? Starting at the beginning will answer everything. Do it if another episode or two has you curious. Generally, S1 is stronger than S2, which is why the minds behind the series declined to make any more. THAT SAID, I do recommend season 2 episode 6. The punchline at the end had me in tears.
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May 11, 2014 03:21
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I'm going to sign up for this! Recent shows I've been binging: Hannibal Battlestar Galactica (new series) Sons of Anarchy Clerks Clone High NCIS Adventure Time
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May 11, 2014 03:24
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I watched episode 7, "Foul Play," of Dads. The only thing I was aware of going into this show was that Seth Green was in it. Some would consider that the first mark against it, but I find him generally tolerable and potentially pretty funny depending on the circumstances. The very first audio cue of the episode is a grating 80s-style PA voice saying “Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience!” and I already want to turn it off. This show is imploring me to hate it. Luckily, the first actor we see is Martin Mull and he brings me back. He doing absolutely nothing though, just coming into work where Seth Green and Giovanni Ribisi have conversations consisting entirely of interwoven bad stand-up bits. Seth Green makes fun of the classic “moving your hands too much while driving a fake car” thing in movies and plays. This is apparently their job, since it’s the only thing you see them do in the office throughout the episode aside from personal business. On that front, I have no loving clue where they work. I was unable to solve this mystery by the end of the episode. They work in some sort of trendy looking loft with a bunch of desks in a common space and all sort of toys and things, so I had it narrowed down to some sort of creative freelance or something. Wiki says? Video game developers. Clearly the go-to when you need finically stable characters with a workplace to go to but absolutely no obligations.  I didn't take many screenshots because absolutely nothing interesting happens visually They also must not have too many obligation to their kids, because there are just straight up aren't any in the show. Maybe I blinked and missed them. The two guys are supposed to have 3 or 4 kids between them and you never see a kid or really any kid related stuff in the show. I’m not even longing for some great childhood wit on screen, it’s just a weird focus for the premise since there’s no family humor. I later deduced that at least one of them has a maid to help, but we'll get to her later. I don’t know if anyone reading these actually cares about plot, but the only real conflict that exists in the episode is that Martin Mull stands in for the lead at the wife’s play because he’s been reading lines with her. Then we find out that it’s a super romantic play about making out, so he makes out with his daughter-in-law for a while. Ribisi counters by freaking out and kissing the maid in hilarious drawn-out sitcommy fashion. This leads to a standard fight eventually resolved Ribisi learning not to be such a jerk and to let his dad make out with his wife. I’m pretty sure that was the lesson. I thought it was supposed to be about letting his wife pursue her dreams but they made sure to confirm that this includes repeatedly making out with Martin Mull. It is all a goddamn monument to banality. If you haven’t noticed yet, I picked up exactly zero of these character’s names. I have no idea if any of them have actual characterizations because they’re basically funny smarmy white guys, a few cranky and wacky old guys, an annoying and dumb but attractive wife, and the upbeat and insane domestic worker. They always feel like TV characters and never like people. The only name I learned was the illegal immigrant Mexican maid, Edna. Edna actually gives one of the better performances in the show just because she gives it 100% no matter how terrible the scene is. Unfortunately, her character consists entirely of racist caricature. This led to the most education part of the episode for me: my introduction to PISTOL, DONKEY, SOMBRERO. Rock, Paper, Scissors is for white people, so the Mexican lady teaches us about this game. For fun, I won’t tell you the rules and let you imagine how it works. I assumed that the sombrero would go on the donkey but it doesn’t. I can, however, tell you that the way to win PDS is to play pistol, which means pulling a revolver out of your purse to brandish at your friend. (Runner-up educational moment: I learned from Brenda Song that Asian people don't use hotels. I also learned that any appearance of Brenda Song foreshadows an Asian joke.)  "Joor father, he give to joor wife... the whole chorizo." I tried not to read anything about Dads until after I watched and even then I didn’t want it to tinge my review, but I saw the phrase “aggressively predictable” used to describe the writing on Wikipedia and it’s beautifully accurate. And all I could notice aside from a complete lack of original thought was that the audience presence on this show is god drat oppressive. The laughter surrounds every line and fills in all of the massive beats in the dialogue. Really the best thing I can compare it to that I have seen a decent amount of is The Big Bang Theory. They both have the same awkward pause-mugging for the audience mixed with an ostensibly witty, retort-based style of conversation and it comes off as incredibly plodding and forced. I’m not against the setup entirely, I think it works when the writing and acting is skilled, but here you have a bunch of actors far too confident in their ability to be effortlessly funny backed by poo poo writing. Most of the time I was just disappointed that nobody really seemed to be trying at all. It’s like they got together with a bunch of well-known actors and got a primetime slot and thought if they had something to read while an audience laughed they would have a guaranteed hit. The result is this bizarre smug presentation where nobody is having fun but expects to be funny. Not even fun. Just poo poo television. That’s the bottom line on Dads.  -hysterical laughter, whooping- A seasoned Dads fan could probably tear this review apart for inaccuracies, so I’m sorry if I didn’t catch some important detail that redeems the show. My eyes were literally glazing over at parts and I had to rewind a minute or so to see what it missed (it was always nothing!). I would be willing to to this again with anything that had some sort of actual creative vision behind it. Even if that vision was god awful. Because Dads was inspired by absolutely nothing. This is exactly the type of poo poo that I avoid and that I imagine Two and Half Men or whatever is like, except I’ve actually seen some of that and it was miles ahead as mindless sitcom trash.
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May 11, 2014 03:28
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Can I get in on this. I demand the worst bit of TV you can think no of.
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May 11, 2014 03:39
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Deadpool, do the right thing and give this gentleman My Mother the Car.
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May 11, 2014 03:48
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I just saw the worst bit of TV. You don't want to watch that
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May 11, 2014 03:53
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I'm down. I watch a fair amount of TV, and considering that most of what my friends do when they want to hang out is watch TV, there's a lot of stuff I'm aware of/have seen random episodes of--I'll be honest about my previous experience, but something more esoteric would be a more sure hit than something currently airing on any of the reality channels or primetime network TV. Comedies: I watch a lot of comedy, including animated, but basically anything NBC or Turner Networks you can assume I've seen. I'm a big fan of the Soup2Nuts stuff, anything involving former members of The State and other nineties comedy groups (I haven't watched Death Comes to Town yet, but I know it exists), and things that play with their formats (Mary Hartman to Eric Andre) Considering all this, I was honestly surprised to find out that Last Man Standing did not, in fact, get cancelled in the first half-season and was just renewed for a fourth season, of all things. Spaced/The Office/Peep Show and other perennial british favorites I've seen and enjoyed, along with AbFab and Fry and Laurie, but I don't know a ton about non-PBS and Comedy Central British television from the 80s - early 2000s. If it's a ratings failure but critical darling, like Get a Life, I've probably seen it. Drama: I enjoy Breaking Bad, most of HBO's offerings, and Shameless. I've seen most of the AMC/FX stuff of the past while, and a good amount of the Fox dramas at the turn of the century. Passions I've seen, and I'm being exposed to Days of our Lives on the regular. Reality: I like Jeopardy and Wheel, and my friends are big into the housewives shows, that one with the interior designer who swears a lot, Millionaire Matchmaker, Bad Girls Club, Storage Wars/Container Wars/Shipping Wars and their current spinoffs. I don't watch many of the "challenge" type shows, where people are voted on or off through text messages or AA meetings or whatever. I love Antiques Roadshow. Documentary: I don't watch many of these, but usually seem to when I see them -- all the Ken Burns, Cosmos, Nova, and 30 for 30 stuff I think I've seen, but other than that I'm fairly unaware of items in the genre. Services: I have Netflix and Prime, then anything you can watch free with Xfinity and/or on iOS I'm down for, but I don't have any other pay to stream services. I do not mind watching very old television, so I'm more than open to public domain viewings as well--if it was on Nick at Nite in the '80s/early '90s, or currently on WGN/Retro TV I've probably seen it.
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May 11, 2014 04:00
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Saved by the Bell -- S01 E06: "Screech's Woman" No cold opening, so we start with the titles. Now, I don't know a thing about this show, but my older sister used to watch it when I was a little kid. I've bolded the parts of the opening credits that I either remember seeing or whose significance I understand from other media: Static! Ice cream! Pink flamingos! The beach! Blonde kid! Hispanic kid! Screech! Brunette girl! Showgirls! Black girl! Guy who looks like John Cusack, he's a magician who probably owns the local diner or something! Some authority figure like a teacher, like, not necessarily a mean teacher or anything, but he's clearly a bit dorky and probably a source of conflict and target of ridicule! Surfboard! Cheeseburger! Awful late-'80s graphic design! We open on a day-glo nightmare of a diner, bedecked with triangles and zig-zags and pink lighting. Despite the posturing “coolness” of the on-set production design, the staging and editing are instantly recognizable as the trappings of bog-standard '80s/'90s multicam. An instrumental music cue bringing us into the scene could have belonged just as well on Full House, and the episode credits look like they've been stolen from Growing Pains or something. At present, Hispanic Kid (Slater) and Showgirls (Jessie) are arguing about what to call their Science Fair Volcano. There's some back-and-forth where they end up with “Jessie's Crater” (as opposed to “Slater's Crater”), which was never going to be a classic punchline, but the actor playing Slater manages to just not even hit the joke at all. It is amazing. Instead he kind of fumbles his way into the next line about testing out the volcano and ends up adding too much vinegar, which causes foam to bubble way up over the sides. Which is what was supposed to happen, I think?? To the contrary, Jessie angrily picks up the volcano and carts it out of the diner, saying, “Do you know how hard it is to get lava out of clothes?” Which kind of feels like something a five-year-old would say in this situation. She didn't even get any on her clothes. There are napkins right there! Anyway, we pan from their exit to Blonde Kid, who then -- whoa! -- turns into the camera and addresses us directly. I guess they're going for like a Ferris Bueller thing? The only other possibility is that Saved by the Bell was the network TV precursor to House of Cards, and I really hope that means Blonde Kid is about to either strangle a dog or say the word "Peachoid." Alas, at that moment Screech walks through the front doors. Screech is tiny! I kind of assumed that the actors on the show were going to be in their twenties. So far everybody looks around fifteen, sixteen, but Screech looks like he hasn't quite cleared twelve. Looking at him now, it's hard to believe that this innocent young child actor would one day suffer the grave misfortune of becoming a grown Dustin Diamond. Screech explains that he's brought along their science project, which looks like a mess of circuitry being attacked by a pair of Pixar lamps. "I needed a break," he says, and Blonde Kid reminds Screech that the breaks are his department. Haw, haw. Blonde Kid manages to twist his apparent lab partner all the way around, to the point that Screech thanks him for not doing any work. It's a bit of manipulation that I guess was supposed to play like a Tom-Sawyer-painting-the-fence kind of thing but instead just made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe Blonde Kid really is more Frank Underwood than Ferris Bueller. Screech shows off the project to Brunette Girl, calling it an "electro-magnetic aerial hymenoptera detector." There's a dumb run of jokes where he mentions that it makes his pet canary fly into walls, so it might be useful as an early warning system for "enemy canaries." Hymenoptera are any insects with membranous wings, so your guess is as good as mine why we're talking so much about canaries. I think the writers just used the word "hymenoptera" because it (1) sounds science-y and (2) would be tough for Screech to pronounce. Although to his credit, he manages to do a pretty okay job! Black Girl (Lisa) crosses upstage, and the hormonal Screech pines for her. "There she is. My dream girl." Brunette Girl is supportive and tells Screech to "give love a chance," which prompts Blonde Kid to jump in with a super-smooth line: "Oh, I agree. Why don't we go to the drive-in and give it a chance?" I don't like this guy. Brunette Girl rebuffs him: "I'm afraid I'll fall off your bicycle!" Burn! Suck it, Blonde Kid! Hey, wait a minute. How old are these kids supposed to be? Can they drive? Does he really get around by bicycle? If so, how were they supposed to fool around at the drive-in? I have many more questions. But there's no time, because Screech is about to make his move! He says as much to Blonde Kid and Brunette Girl (Zack and Kelly, as it turns out) and crosses the room in slow motion accompanied by a horrifying synthesized "love theme" motif. Lisa beckons him over, and the two are about to come together in an embrace. Screech wears his pants very, very high. Is this a fantasy sequence? No! At the last second, a tall, older black guy in a hideous green sweater cuts in front of Screech and hugs the welcoming Lisa. We switch from slow-motion to fast-motion as Screech returns to his table. It's exactly like that one part in Big Fish. Kelly attempts to cheer Screech up, but he laments that the pair look like a serious couple: "He's chewing her gum now." We cut to the green-sweatered lothario, who is indeed chewing some gum (although SbtB leaves it up to our imagination whether, like, she offered a piece of gum to him and he gladly accepted, or if they were making out and he stole her gum with his tongue, or what). Screech spills a whole platter of french fries on his pants, calls himself "snake spit" and leaves, stealing one last glance at the Eskimo-kissing couple. The studio audience "aaaaaawwwww"s. The guy in the green sweater looks, like, at least 24. Later at home, Zack accidentally blows up the science project -- you know, the microwave bug catcher or whatever -- and a despondent Screech doesn't even seem to care. I have to say, Screech is playing the sad sack pretty well. Back in 1989 he would have been my pick to play a young Albert Brooks in a biopic only I would watch. Fans of unintentional subtext should note that the blue bean bag chair Screech sits in could also be called a "sad sack," and it's blue, like the metaphorical blues that Screech has, and... aw, gently caress it. Zack tries to show Screech that he can find a girl who'll like him as long as he believes in himself and shows confidence. Screech tries it out but only manages to slump his shoulders into the hunched posture of a 50-year-old depressive. This is starting to look like The Adventures of Young Patrick Bateman and Li'l Walter White. Zack persists, and asks Screech for his idea of a good opening line ("How about 'Hello?'") As an example, Zack counters with his own carefully sculpted bit of savoir-faire: "Hey, how much did the other contestants pay you to drop out of the Miss Universe contest?" Screech boggles at the idea of the Miss Universe contest being fixed. Zack hits him in the face with a pillow, sending him sprawling over the bean bag chair. Setup and payoff! Fortunately, Zack does not then proceed to play a Huey Lewis tune, put on a raincoat, and kill Screech with an axe. The next day at school (in what looks like the same hallway set from Boy Meets World), Screech has gone full PUA. With a little encouragement from Zack, he swaggers over to Sally Dunsky (who may or may not be a recurring character) and proceeds to accidentally throw himself into a garbage can. It's not exactly Clouseau and Screech isn't quite Peter Sellers, but he handles the fall better than the recovery ("Ha! I learned that from the Chinese acrobats!") Zack sneaks in, Cyrano-de-Bergerac style, and reminds Screech to use his opening line -- "Say something cool!" Screech then tells Sally Dunsky that worms are a source of protein, setting her up for this killer line: "Why don't you go eat some?" drat, Sally Dunsky just burned him hard!! Screech tries to recover by using the aforementioned Miss Universe line, but bungles it just enough that it kinda sounds like an insult, I guess? Sally Dunsky storms away, and by the way, she also looks like she's in her mid-twenties. I guess all the minor roles are being filled by professional working actors who wouldn't be high-school aged? Screech hangs his head, the audience "awwwwwwww"s again and, defeated, he stuffs himself into his own locker. Zack attempts to cheer Screech up, but at this point the guy's clearly locked into a depression spiral, bemoaning his "stupid hair and different colored socks" and calling himself "hummingbird droppings." Zack sends him away to run a few laps and cool down while he approaches Jessie, who by now is wearing a long pink blazer with shoulder pads. I sure hope she doesn't get lava on this outfit!! Preying on her sense of empathy and compassion, Zack attempts to set Jessie up on a date with Screech -- but when he lets the name slip, she gags and exits. "Is that a yes or a no?" he asks, just as an eager Screech returns. Zack lies and says Screech's mystery date will call him on the school's pay phone at 3:30. "Zack, I owe you my life!" Screech hollers, and Zack says, "I'd rather just have the science project!" So I guess that's why he's been trying to help Screech this whole time? Hey guys, I think Zack might be a monster! He turns to the camera again: "Now all I have to do is find a girl for Screech!" Zack looks vaguely concerned as we FREEZE FRAME to commercials. Jesus, I'm only a third of the way through this thing. We return to find Slater talking on the pay phone. Is he chatting with his volcano-building partner? No, he's chatting up some floozy in Italy! Either Slater carries a lot of quarters in his leather jacket, or I know one little girl who's going to be in trouble for racking up the lire on her parents' phone bill. A panicked Screech hurries Slater off the phone to talk to his female prospect, but he can't keep up the facade of having any self confidence, and Slater offers some advice: "When that phone rings, be strong." Then he pushes him into the lockers. These are the jokes, people. There's an odd seven-second scene where Mr. Belding steps into the school bathroom and enters a stall, without taking his eyes off a newspaper. The audience laughs. Your guess is as good as mine. There's some graffiti on the wall that says "I HATE [something]", which could have given us some insight into the social and cultural makeup of Saved-by-the-Bell High, but apparently it's not important. Back at the lockers, the phone rings and Screech quaffs some Binaca. Ah-ha, and on the other end of the line is Zack, affecting a Southern Belle voice on his comically oversized cell phone and stepping into the same bathroom as Mr. Belding! There's a bit of confusion where Belding thinks Zack's persona (named "Bambi") is speaking to him, and it took me a second to realize that this actually makes sense, as far as sitcom complications go -- because everybody wasn't walking around with cell phones back then. Zack quickly departs, leaving the incoming Slater to smirk at the rambling Belding and extort the promise of good grades come report card time. "I am never going to the bathroom again," says Belding. This is a little bit funny. The next day, Screech tells an exhausted Zack that he spent all night talking with Bambi, and says with sweaty conviction that she makes him feel "like a young buck." Gross. He brags to Jessie and shrugs off Lisa, but when he realizes he should meet the girl in person rather than just locking horns over the phone, Zack says he can't -- Bambi is "having an identity crisis." As Screech hangs his head Charlie-Brown style, the audience "awwwwwww"s yet again. Zack turns to them/us and admits that what he did to Screech was mean, but he'll be "over it in a few hours." A 26-year-old guest actor interrupts to call everyone out to the hallway, where it's revealed that Screech has handcuffed himself to his own locker. He explains that he won't be able to eat, sleep... or finish the science project until he gets the chance to meet Bambi. Why does the science project thing keep coming up at act breaks and nowhere else? Act three opens with Screech in Belding's office; pull back to reveal that he's still handcuffed to the locker bank, which has been pushed/carried/dragged in with him. Belding asks his secretary to send for someone to uncouple Screech from the door, but she apparently suffers from dementia and doesn't know who Belding is. Lady, you are missing out! Belding calls Zack to the office to sort everything out, while a random student stops by to grab a textbook from the locker next to Screech's. To the show's credit, they don't lean on this joke too hard with a forced laugh line, and the girl is cheerfully unconcerned with the sitcom plot happening around her. It's a nicely underplayed little moment. It also gives time for Zack to show up at the door. Belding insists that he bring Bambi to the diner for 4 o'clock, but Zack says that's "beyond impossible." Hey, how's Zack going to be saved by the bell if this is all taking place after the school day is over? This show's title is grossly inaccurate! And speaking of "gross," Screech has to go to the bathroom. Mercifully, we cut away from the scene before that plotline can be resolved. At Zack's house, Lisa arrives to help Zack out of this jam, with Jessie unexpectedly in tow. I'm guessing that since Zack and Jessie act like hard-fought adversaries, there's probably an on-again off-again romance throughout the whole show? Anyway, she hands him a red dress and he calls the whole charade "revolting" and "distasteful" while asking for something more in his color. As the two ladies make Zack over, Screech gets ready for his date. (In retrospect, it's kind of weird that Mr. Belding is essentially forcing "Bambi" to go on a date with Screech, isn't it?) Max, the Waiter/Magician, sets Screech up with some "late-blooming" flowers -- cue the prop magic, accompanied by a dumb cartoon "BOING" sound effect -- as "Bambi" steps through the door. In drag, Zack looks like Susan Sarandon. He addresses the camera, saying he's "Taking the names of everyone who's laughing," but the studio audience doesn't heed his warning; they cackle like loons at a protracted bit of physical comedy as he attempts to walk in high heels. It actually looks more like he's wearing flats, but the shoes are never in frame, so it's hard to tell?? Screech compliments "Bambi's" feminine hands, ha ha, then introduces her to the hot-to-trot Slater (who recognizes Zack, but continues to salivate over him anyway)(?) Kelly asks "Bambi" what troop she was in as a young Girl Scout, and a clueless Zack says, "F Troop." Ha! F Troop references! Kids loved those in 1989. Slater gropes Zack's fake breasts. What is happening. The green-sweatered dude returns, hugging Lisa again and now decked out in a red-and-orange-striped number. Slater suggests that Screech kiss "Bambi" to make Lisa jealous, and as he slinks out of frame Slater tells Zack to call him if things don't work out with Screech. You know what, this show was a lot more progressive than people gave it credit for! "Bambi" tells Screech that he'll need to dye his hair and account for her pet allergy if they're going to be an item; Screech happily agrees to go full Billy Idol and shave his birds (not a euphemism). The disguised Zack then plays his trump card, telling Screech to stop hanging out with Zack if he wants to date "Bambi". Screech admits that Zack is cocky, takes advantage of him, and "underestimates [his] intelligence" (big laugh line -- is Screech a genius or isn't he? I'm honestly not sure). All the same, he can't imagine losing him as a friend, and Screech and "Bambi" break up. When Screech leaves to finish the science fair project, Jessie admits to Zack that what he did for his friend was "really nice." Huh? A... all right. Kelly announces that she's on her way to the ladies' room, and would anybody like to join her? Zack/Bambi gets up from his chair, but Jessie holds him back and prevents Zack from fulfilling his apparent dream of watching Kelly use the toilet. Jessie says, "Freeze!" and the episode ends with a freeze-frame. I'd like to think that happens at the end of every episode. All of it. Grade: C Screech pratfalls: 4 (fry dump, beanbag chair topple, garbage can collapse, locker slam) Scenes resolving science fair subplot: 0, and seriously, what the hell Audience participation: 3 "awwwwwwww"s Number of people saved by the bell: 0 emgeejay fucked around with this message at 04:22 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 04:10
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NCIS:LA:S4E14: Let's Play Call of Duty CHARLIE ECHO TANGO BRAVO ALPHA! PERIMETER! ROGER THAT COWBOY! GO GO GO!! White people shooting brown people! Pew pew pew! Oh poo poo, IT'S A TRAP! This is literally a video game! Oh poo poo now the brown people are shooting back! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW ABORT ABORT PEW PEW PEW MOVE MOVE MOVE GOGOGO PEW PEW PEW AHHHHHHHHHHHH GENTLEMEN, ABORT! (who says "gentlemen" while under live fire, seriously?) SOME Guy gOT KILLED with a MACHETE. ALL BEFORE THE TITLE SEQUENCE The Office Oh right, LL Cool J is in this. Also... is that the dude from Criminal Minds and (500) Days of Summer? Wiki says no, it's just some guy who sounds like him. OK so there's some banter going on and I guess these guys are goofy buddy whatever I don't care. Agents of S.H.I.T. Now it is a Joss Whedon show. Instead of a cute goth girl this NCIS show apparently borrowed a couple Joss characters, the Cute Tech Guy Who Is Snarky and A Redhead With A Pixie Haircut. Holy crap, she's adorable! COMPUTERS, WORDS, TECHNO BABBLE, I don't even know what's going on but I guess the white people killing the brown people were not real Army but were... role playing?! Role playing live combat?! Why?? Now the whole party goes to the Equipment store and puts on their armor and gets their weapons. It is a video game again I guess. They all have briefcases. The snarky not-Criminal Minds dude (I'm gonna call him Sawyer because he looks like Sawyer from lost, only wimpy) just quoted Conan the Barbarian. LET'S GEAR UP GAME OVER MAN! So now they really, literally are playing a video game. They're going through a "kill house" and having random encounters. LL Cool J got punked and almost stabbed! Wait, are they using paintball guns? I guess? AHAHAHAHAH the girl just fake-stabbed a guy to "death". WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? WHAT DOES THIS EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH THE OPENING?! This goes on for way too long even though it's only like 3 minutes. One of the guys finds a laptop and "wins" but the game KEEPS GOING. The party gets faked out by a hostage and "killed" by one dude. "We can't hear it. We're dead." LL Cool J says. Yes, Ladies Love Cool James, yes we are. Wait, doesn't the "N" in NCIS stand for "Navy"? I HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE BOAT YET. Now they're arguing about whether they "won" or "lost" the game because they got the laptop but didn't save the girl? I guess? I don't think anyone who wrote this even knows what is happening. This is all a series of disconnected- wait Sawyer just said "What are you roleplaying now?" Is this show mocking me? Now this guy is saying "Your mission was clear: secure the computer technology. The computer technology was the hostage, not the laptop." TROLLED, MAN, TROLLED SO HARD. Wait Pixie is talking again. Why isn't the entire show about her. I still legitimately have no clue why they're doing this. They're training, but aren't these guys already trained? We're in season 4! Mo' Mouths To Feed, Mo' Problems Wait, I think I've got it. These guys running the "game" are under suspicion of having tipped off some Mexicans to the "game" in the opening scene and one of them has a pregnant wife so the theory is that he needs money. Genius. Oh god now they're playing another stupid game. Hold on, I'm gonna just chug beer during the whole scene. *spit take* HOLY poo poo THIS GAME INVOLVES GOING THROUGH A RESTAURANT WITH "CIVILIAN ROLE PLAYERS" AS CUSTOMERS Lots of GO GO GO MOVE THEY'VE GOT GUNS GO GO GO OORAH poo poo. And then they get tear gassed with real tear gas and people yell "MEDIC!" LL Cool J says "This is real, G". He actually says that. One of the game runners just died. I don't know why. Neither does anyone else. Whatever. How To Lose a Guy in 20 Seconds So now Sawyer and The Girl (the one on The Team, I think she's a Rogue) are in a car and having some Party Banter. I don't care. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE! > interrogate wife of dead man The wife doesn't know anything. > interrogate wife of dead man about tribe She says her husband was going to quit, but they needed the money. She mentions a high tech training center in New Mexico. > go to new mexico I'm sorry, this game doesn't have the budget for that. Hold on, Pixie is now on the scene, not with TechDork. What? How? Why? I don't care. She's still the best thing on this show. I'm warming up to Sawyer though. LL Cool J is drinking coffee. For no reason. Wait, no, they're ALL drinking coffee and talking about - holy poo poo no way - the leader of the "game makers" is LITERALLY DESCENDED FROM TRIBAL HEAD HUNTERS. WHAT. Pixie vomits up some fake computer talk about "accessing the network" and looking at camera footage. Whatever. Just never cut your hair, girlfriend. OK, the tribal guy is being interrogated... wait no, it was a fakeout. Headhunter is friends with NCIS Brass. I guess? Henry Rollins is calling TechDork and more useless  I guess this is filler? Oh, I just heard the word "redacted". DRINK!Alright so TechDork figured everything out. Headhunter isn't guilty though. I don't know who is and I don't care. There's still 13 minutes of this? TRPs? Kill House Facility? TechDork and Pixie have figured everything out and LL Cool J, Henry Rollins and Sawyer are only in this scene to have more bodies speaking words. This is dumb. Girl got captured. Oh no. Why? Apocalypse Now. Now. Seriously hurry up! Oh wait, Girl didn't get captured. Then who did? Pixie? She was just in the... oh gently caress this I don't even know anymore. They're choking out some Asian Businessmen for reasons. Now they're going in a house just like in the Game but this time IT'S FOR REALS. Ahaha who the gently caress choreographed this? LL Cool J just slid out from behind a bed to shoot someone with no set up. There was no reason for him to be lying on the floor! OK now this is like a match of Last of Us multiplayer! Cool! I should be playing that instead of watching this! Sawyer says what I'm thinking: "Really? A MACHETE?!" Oh, Pixie's name is Nell. And she is the hostage. And HOLY poo poo SHE JUST PULLED THE MAGAZINE OUT OF HER CAPTOR'S ASSAULT RIFLE WHAT A BAD rear end. WHY IS THIS SHOW NOT ABOUT HER?!?! TechDork shows up and is all possessive of Pixie/Nell. I guess they're a couple. Now we get a sappy ending with them. And some wrap up with the Team. Everything is back to normal I guess. Well that was fun. Hit me again! But not with another episode of NCIS.
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May 11, 2014 04:59
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Deadpool posted:CuwiKhons: Sleepy Hollow Season 1 Episode 7 Great news, while I've never seen Sleepy Hollow, I've been meaning to watch it so this is a great excuse. I mean, I have to jump in on episode 7 and then go back and watch the other stuff, but still a good excuse. Sleepy Hollow S1 E7: The Midnight Ride The episode opens up with a recap of poo poo that happened in past episodes and it's mostly just Orlando Jones and a lady I don't recognize talking about something or other involving a headless dude and it's all very boring right up until the moment where some guy in a jail cell slams his head into the wall so hard that he breaks his own neck and I freak the gently caress out for a minute or so. Once I manage to unpause, the recap moves on to some Masonic mojo and headless horsemen and an incongruously British guy surrounded by American accents. Onto the main show! Boston: April 18, 1775 There is some truly awful fisheye camera lens poo poo going on in this flashback. And while as a history major, I am grateful that they correctly showed that Paul Revere didn't make his famous ride all on his lonesome, their modern American accents are jarring. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a Redcoat with a gimp mask and a tattoo on his head running around axing Paul's riders and beheading a dude with absolutely no arterial blood spurts. I suppose we just have to let these sorts of things go.  Whatever Town This Is, Probably Sleepy Hollow: Presumably Present Day Incongruously British Guy is a time traveler! He is mystified by the stockpiling of food and grocery stores. As this is the seventh episode, I assume he's been here for awhile and his confusion over modern food seems delayed. His confusion over bottled water is totally justified though - I drink tap water all the time and I'm not a glowing mutant yet  . Regardless, they also discuss the headless horseman and the Masons again, and the lady I still don't have a name for correctly points out how obnoxious it is that the Masons are still a no-girls-allowed club in this day and age.A jogging man finally gives me a name for the cop lady: Mills! He also at one point calls her "Abs" which turns out to be short for Abbie and not him commenting on her having a sweet six pack, which is disappointing. He does the typical ex-boyfriend side character thing of assuming that the reason the main character is stressed out and behaving strangely lately is because they broke up. Abbie has no time for his poo poo but agrees to coffee to keep the peace. Meanwhile, a stalker observes them from behind a hedge, which is really lovely cover because it only comes up to his chest. The stalker ends up approaching the dude (Morales) from a dark alley, which is in no way suspicious, and turns out to be John Cho, the guy who broke his own neck. Morales has evidently never seen a single zombie movie in his life because despite having a gun, his first reaction to this is not a headshot. Morales pays for this by getting his own gun shoved into his face while Zombie Cho rambles something prophetic sounding into a shaky cam. Morales then proves to be the dumbest cop alive by accepting a helping hand up from Zombie Cho, then immediately turning his back on the guy that just shoved a gun under his chin, and when he turns back around, Cho has disappeared like Batman. Incongruously British Time Traveler turns out to be named Ichabod Crane who I always thought was the Headless Horseman, but to be fair I've never actually read Sleepy Hollow. Ichabod is surprisingly forward thinking in terms of whether or not Abbie should be allowed to listen in on the masons but when he gets to the Masonic headquarters (I assume?), he hears the sound of somebody being horribly murdered. Being a time traveler, I can forgive Ichabod for having never seen a horror movie and immediately going to investigate the noise, but he's still actually better at it than Morales because he at least makes sure to arm himself first with not only a sword, but a gun off one of the bodies he finds. Abbie also shows up armed because she is a smart girl but despite both of them having guns, neither of them shoot when they see the Headless Horseman through the window. Like, immediately through the window. He's on the lawn.  HE'S RIGHT THERE ASSHOLES, TAKE THE SHOT Cue Title Sequence The title sequence doesn't explain a single loving thing, but it does have a lovely horse in it so I guess that's alright. Orlando Jones' character spends this entire scene looking like he desperately wishes he was on an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI where somebody would offer him an explanation that didn't involve supernatural poo poo. With nothing to go on but the line "Let's make sure your explanation doesn't involve any Headless Horsemen this time," I'm willing to bet that Orlando doesn't buy anything Ichabod's selling so with that in mind, it's a little weird that he doesn't keep a better eye on the guy he probably thinks is completely bananas. Ichie manages to steal a ring off a corpse right in front of him, then pulls a vanishing act to ransack the Mason's library. Ichabod and Abbie chitchat about magical garbage that I would probably find it easier to follow if it had been introduced to me gradually rather than treated as old news but I can't really fault the episode for that. At one point, Abbie says "He killed my mentor" because I guess she's the Karate Kid now. I'm apparently incorrect, Orlando is much more willing to entertain Ichabod's Time Traveler story than I thought he was. He goes to fetch the gross skull from a lab at Abbie and Ichabod's urging, which is unfortunate because the Headless Horseman shows up and while he is still a-swingin' that axe, he has also somehow acquired a machine gun and a shotgun. I would love to have seen the process of him getting a hold of those. I'm just imagining a really indiscriminate gun salesman. Orlando finds out to his peril (and the poor lab tech's peril) that the Headless Horseman is very real but fortunately he manages to channel Neo for just long enough to avoid decapitation via axe throw. Orlando successfully gets the head to Abbie and Ichabod and reiterates how much he wishes he was in a more normal show. Poor guy. Sledgehammers, dynamite, and some unspecified acid fail to destroy the skull so Abbie suggests taking it to the junkyard to try a trash compactor. As much as I would have loved to have seen Abbie explaining to somebody how she managed to break their compactor, our intrepid heroes get distracted by lanterns because we're halfway through the episode and it's time to finally introduce what any of this poo poo has to do with Paul Revere. The lanterns turn out to be made of human heads which is macabre but it's so fake looking that it's honestly just really funny.  They discuss Masonic mojo a little more and Ichabod realizes that there is a manuscript which must contain important information about the Headless Horseman. Good thing Abbie knows exactly where this obscure document is! A Day at the Museum It's at the museum! A really small museum, of the sort that I have worked at. This sequence is delightful because I can understand both sides - the museum needs to present the information in a simplified way for children and they often include apocryphal crap just because it's popular and it makes patrons happy (which in turn makes the museum money). But I've also been the person biting my tongue in the back because well, it's wrong. But you're kind of an rear end in a top hat if you call the poor docent out in front of a crowd. A crowd of children, no less. Fortunately, Abbie arrives to save the day before Ichabod is kicked out of the museum by a disgruntled museum director. "The bad news is that the manuscript is on loan in London." "London... that's a three month voyage by sea." "The good news is that the manuscript was uploaded online." "That is excellent news!" "You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?" "No, I do not." I have to say I really enjoy fish-out-of-water stories and Ichabod is just enough out of his depths in the modern world to be charming without being frustratingly obtuse. You know who is being obtuse? Abbie. Why did she leave him to try and manage a laptop by himself? I wouldn't trust my grandparents to navigate a laptop without some degree of assistance and they at least know what a loving computer is. Fortunately, Abbie realizes her mistake and instead leaves him to decipher the printed pages while she handles Morales. Morales, as it turns out, is wigging the gently caress out. How a room full of cops have failed to notice how badly he is freaking out (he's shaking and fumbling objects, this is not subtle) is a mystery. Also a mystery: how Abbie has a cell phone signal in what appears to be the loving sewer system. Zombie Cho shows up again (apparently his name is Andy but that's too similar to Abbie and I'll have none of it) and Abbie also sucks at horror movies and does not immediately shoot the zombie. Zombie Cho is honestly really gross looking, which is impressive because there's not a lot that's really wrong with him and John Cho is normally a devilishly handsome man.  Meanwhile, Ichabod is trying the laptop again for no very clear reason. Somehow, by pressing nothing but single letter keys, he manages to get a porn pop up. I have no loving clue how he did this, but I'm glad he did because his reaction to it is great. The password to the cipher for the manuscript turns out to be inscribed on the silver teeth of the skull, which seems idiotic since that's the sort of thing the Horseman is going to want back. Maybe Revere thought that the Horseman wouldn't notice the word "CICERO" writ large on the backs of his teeth. The Things We Learn About Our Friends After They Die Ichabod finds Abbie chitchatting with Zombie Cho and takes the whole thing with surprising calm. Zombie Cho makes an incredibly disgusting noise whenever he turns his head. Ichabod tells him to set up a meeting at the cemetary if the Horseman wants his head back and Zombie Cho pulls a Batman disappearance when Abbie is blatantly looking at him but I can't even be bothered by it because I just want him to stop making the head turning noise. The trap they need to devise in order to handle the Horseman apparently involves a witch and "turning the moon into the sun". Abbie points out that they could just use ultraviolet lights to simulate the sun but I take issue with the idea that after all the magic these two assholes have been dealing with, they think they can just sort of fake their way past this particular magic ritual. They end up recruiting Orlando (this entire episode has gone by with not a single person saying his character's name) to help them... make fake skulls? I don't know what they're doing. They end up talking about Thomas Jefferson which is the most delightful conversation when one of the characters is an Incongruously British Time Traveler and the other two characters are black. It's also a clever story telling device because I am not paying a lick of attention to the trap they're setting up because I'm too enchanted with the conversation. Abbie and Ichabod also have a conversation about Morales (presumably still freaking out somewhere) and how lonely they both are (Abbie and Ichabod, not Morales, that guy is a loser) and it's a sort of cutesy moment but then it transitions really abruptly into "IT'S TIME". At the cemetery, we make the exciting discovery that the Horseman's skull is glow in the dark and Ichabod leads the Horseman on a merry chase across the graveyard and into the sewers. Throughout the sewer are fake skulls that the Horseman gets frustrated by and keeps smashing, and frankly I sympathize because they're the talking skulls that are really obnoxious. This is slightly confusing though as there's no reason for the Horseman to think they're the real thing - he pretty clearly knew EXACTLY where his head was earlier in the episode when he showed up at the lab. The Horseman is successfully lead into the trap and he starts smoking under the UV lights because I guess he's a vampire now. The episode ends here but I assume there's something wrong with this set up because this wasn't exactly the season finale.  Overall Opinion: Not too bad. I'll probably end up watching the rest of the season and hopefully everything will make much more sense if I do. The episode wasn't phenomenal but it also wasn't comically bad, which is kind of a shame because it would have made this recap less generic.
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May 11, 2014 08:01
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This sounds like fun, I'll give it a shot. Something on Netflix or Hulu would work best for me. Here's some shows I like: Star Trek Person of Interest Doctor Who Monty Python's Flying Circus The Simpsons Futurama Fawlty Towers Scrubs Game of Thrones Regular Show Arrow The Twilight Zone Twin Peaks Spin City
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May 11, 2014 08:03
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CuwiKhons posted:Overall Opinion: Not too bad. I'll probably end up watching the rest of the season and hopefully everything will make much more sense if I do. The episode wasn't phenomenal but it also wasn't comically bad, which is kind of a shame because it would have made this recap less generic. Hello fellow Glee captive! Watching the whole season is definitely worth it and will answer all of your questions. It's a seriously great show that has an actual plan for the entire series and will end once the story is told, and it needs as many eyes on it as possible to make sure that happens. Your review was in no way generic and really entertaining to me as a fully-informed fan.
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May 11, 2014 08:19
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Homicide: Life on the Street Episode 1x05 Three Men and Adena I was gonna do some silly stuff because Munch is in this show and somehow this silly looking motherfucker is the longest running live-action character in tv history and that’s great. But he’s barely in this episode; in fact I don’t think he even has a single line, so let’s stay serious, I GUESS. I’d always heard of this show as the big precursor to both the Wire and Law and Order, one of the first really gritty and raw cop shows out there that really made an impact. I’m quick to punch myself for not having watched this show before because holy poo poo if that wasn't one of the best episodes of tv I've ever seen. I should probably rephrase that. Three Men and Adena isn't an episode of a tv show, it’s a goddamn play they somehow snuck onto tv and fooled everyone into watching, and it’s one of the most raw, intense, viewing experiences I've had the pleasure of seeing. The premise of the episode is simple enough; two detectives have 12 hours to get a confession out of the suspected murderer of a young girl who used to work for him. I was unaware going into this if this was a standalone story or part of an arc, either way it works fine on its own. With the setup out of the way the rest of the episode, outside of an intermission in the middle (I’m onto you, you loving playwright background having motherfucker), takes place entirely within the interrogation room. It’s a cramped, ugly side room with a bunch of hot pipes lining the walls, there are maps strewn about of the place where they found the little girl’s body, and a table in the middle where they sit and talk. The camera never ever strays from that table, giving the entire time the episode spends in that room a claustrophobic, stressful feeling. The detectives then start the good cop bad cop routine. (Andre Braugher as good cop? drat okay show you got me interested in this strange fantasy world you are portraying.) They slowly break this man piece by piece, it’s loving nerve-wracking, as topics of race, social standing, and pedophilia are all broached and commented on and poo poo gets so intense at one point bad cop grabs the suspect and almost puts his head to roast on those hot metal pipes. This is, as I said before, most of the episode, and it’s so good and so thorough and I have none of the qualifications to talk about it at length. So here’s a picture of Munch to tide you over:  Only kidding, sort of. By the end of the episode all they are able to prove is that their suspect is definitely a pedo, but the entire experience has shaken them so thoroughly, they can’t actually determine whether or not he has the capacity for murder. Having now read up on that episode and finding out the impact that this story line has had on these characters, and how it haunts them till the end of the series, all I can say is drat. Just drat. Zaggitz fucked around with this message at 08:26 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 08:23
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Sex and the City S04E10: "Belles of the Balls" I want to start out this review by publicly stating that I used to think Deadpool was a pretty good mod. Now I think he's a motherfucker and I hate him. As the hour drew near when I would be watching and reviewing my assignment, I started strongly considering just taking the probation. But I'm a man, and goddammit, I'm going to watch Sex and the City. ... Holy poo poo. I'm not going to review this episode as a blow-by-blow of each scene and plot point, because it makes me want to blow my brains out and it doesn't even loving matter. Long story short, Steve's got testicular cancer and is getting a nut removed, and his friends and girlfriend are awful human beings about it. Carrie's friends with "Big" (who, to my disappointment, is not Joe Pesci from Michael Jackson's Moonwalker) and is dating Aiden. Aiden is totally mad that Carrie has a male friend because Aiden is a shithead as I will describe shortly. Aiden also wears a shirt that, a decade later, we will see on Cam in Modern Family. That is the entire loving plot of this episode.  The main theme is that every single character except Steve spends all 31 goddamned minutes of this show being a shallow, insufferable shitbag. This is also true of the writers, producers, and director, and gently caress it, maybe the grips and the craft services guys or whatever. Everyone involved in this project should be ashamed of themselves. Every character on this show is literally what people who live in flyover states think about upper class New Yorkers. I'm not even really sure what the Hell point the episode was trying to get across. On the one hand, it felt like it was trying to rub my nose in some smug, "common-sense" approach to dashing long-standing myths about the gender gap and gender inequality. But instead, it just describes monstrous caricatures of tired cliches about mars and venus or what the gently caress ever and calls it comedy. The episode pretends to offer some unique, even-handed insight into the idiosyncrasies of the sexes, then lurches around for awhile making GBS threads itself and denigrating both. I'm not even going to get into how the show completely trivializes surgical castration, and suggests you can cure depression about testicular cancer with a quickie because MEN HA HA or Muad'Dib's spermy C-plot. I hate everyone involved in this show, everyone who's ever watched it, including myself, and I hate the universe for not spontaneously ripping a loving hole in space-time and causing a time paradox so that this poo poo never existed. If I hadn't spent this entire post looking at that picture of Munch from Zaggitz's post, I would've doused myself in gasoline and set myself on fire in front of Deadpool's house by way of protest. Oh yeah and it ends with a couple closet-cases mud wrestling until Cartoon Logic Dog bites Chris Noth in the rear end and ugh chris noth for fucks sake. I couldn't even take any joy in Dexter's Ghost Dad showing up and making ultra-creepy short-eye smiles.  E: Oh, yeah, and I'll take another, please. Solid Poopsnake fucked around with this message at 18:55 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 09:38
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My name is not Occupation  . That's a great review tho, and is accurate for any episode of that god forsaken show.I too would like another, let's keep the bipolarity train going, gimme something really bad. Zaggitz fucked around with this message at 10:07 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 09:53
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I present - Warehouse 13, Season 4, Episode 13! What I know (or 'know') pre-watch: There's some steampunky warehouse numbered 13 where cool magic/techy poo poo is found by FBI agents and stored. And HG Wells is a time traveler and maybe kind of gay. Post-watch, initial impressions: Kind of a light and fluffy X-Files, minus aliens and plus 'historical' artifacts. So the A-plot conceit of this episode seems to be "Film noir is fun!" More on this in a minute. The B-plot is something-something car thievery with magic gloves and emotions. I guess some lady died in a previous episode and Archie is very sad about it while no one else seems to particularly care beyond that it's making Archie sad. The non-Myka/Pete scrub team uses gadget babble to track down a car thief, who uses magic gloves that used to belong to a stuntsman and have the power to render a car impervious to damage/able to drive through obstacles and walls without a scratch, but only once (or something). The lady stealing fancy antique cars is doing so because they're "meant to be driven, not put on display [like so many Hummel figurines]". She ends up selling the stolen cars to some rando dealership, which turns around and...sells them to regular ol' people who will, presumably, drive them lots. Or she'll just steal them back, I guess. The end of this caper is that Archie is a nutter who keeps putting himself in harms way because he doesn't want anyone else to die on his watch (unless that 'anyone else' happens to be 'himself', in which case it's a-okay), and Agent Jinx (played by Iceman's little brother) rats out Archie's self-destructive ways to some superior overlord. Ruh roh for future episodes, Archie. Back to the A-plot, where all the actual guest stars of note reside. Joining us for the ride are...  Laliari!  Mathesar!  ...Okay, she wasn't in Galaxy Quest so my theme's been ruined BUT I RECOGNIZE HER NAME ANYWAY.  She's probably not playing the same character she did in Bitch Slap. Fair enough. Moving on! So Myka and Pete, agents extraordinaire, play laser tag with an elephant figurine.  "Lasers powered by elephants. GENIUS." Suddenly, the elephant gets froggy, overloads, and zaps a manuscript that magically turns Myka and Pete into gumshoeing noir characters.  "We are very confused by clothing!" They quickly determine that in order to get back to the amazing technicolor warehouse, they have to Solve the Crime and Complete the Book, because the manuscript that got zapped was unfinished due to the author -- Mathesar -- killing himself because of writers' block. It turns out (SPOILER!) that he was just really sad because his wife died, so he sat around being super-sad until his unfinished manuscript absorbed him into its world... ...where he met and fell in love with Laliari, now a simpering songstress! (Poor Fred Kwan.) The actual 'crime' seems mostly immaterial, a jumbled mess of some guy named Carson finding the elephant and going to sell it to a heavyweight named Barnabas only for Carson's wife to kill the gently caress out of him with the ele-taser because he was in love with Laliari. Or maybe because she wanted to get the cash bucks from Barnabas herself. The exposition came all at once at the very end and was kind of confusing. Anyway, Myka shoots the Missus Carson and saves the day, allowing Mathesar and Laliari to run off to Bora Bora together. And then the manuscript is magically complete now that the author's re-found love, and Pete and Myka can return to color once more. Hooray! In terms of actual review, everyone seems to be more or less phoning it the gently caress in. The noir half of the episode doesn't seem to so much be shot as an homage to film noir, as it does a regular episode color-swapped to black and white. Everyone rambles off about a thousand different Bogart-era soundalikes, but most of them (especially Colantoni) can barely muster up the effort to get their lines read before falling asleep at the wheel. I'd say Pretty Little Liars did a far superior job, even just in 'feel', with their noir episode compared to this venture. Also, there was no gay HG Wells, so I'm mildly disappointed. Thus concludes my foray into the 13th Warehouse! More, please~
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May 11, 2014 10:19
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Hit me, I'll try this. Quick overview of my viewing habits in the past season/some general favorites: @midnight, Almost Human, The Americans, Archer, Arrow, Clone High, Don't Trust the Bitch in Apt. 23, Eagleheart, Fargo, Fringe, Game of Thrones, Kamen Rider Gaim, The League, NTSF:SD:SUV::, Review, Rick & Morty, Sleepy Hollow, Totally Spies!, True Blood, True Detective, a whole crapload of terrible reality shows and failed series back when Friday Night Death Slot was a thing. I MISS HULK HOGAN'S MIDGET WRESTLING LEAGUE. Got access to: HBO Go, Amazon Prime streaming, Netflix US, an actual TV with a DVR I'm trying to think of how to make this even dumber but I'm at a loss. Gimme your best shot.
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May 11, 2014 12:08
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Aye Doc posted:I had seen the ads for this show with Kelly Brook's boob window and the sleak outfits and the bad CGI. I had a rough idea in mind of what this show would be and it came out and shattered it in every conceivable way. I think that reviewing this as a serious sci-fi show is doing a disservice to the creators, when it is clearly a self-aware masterpiece that happens to feature music by Jesper Kyd. Metal Hurlant Chronicles 1x05 "Master of Destiny" The opening credits involve a bunch of scantily clad women killing people.  The episode opens with Joe Flanigan, best known as Major John Sheppard from Stargate Atlantis, as the co-pilot in a 2 person spacecraft, shooting down giant space tadpoles that explode on death. The tadpoles offer no resistance, and when they kill the fourth and final one, Joe Flanigan says something like, "My family gets the floating palace, and I get my well-deserved orgy." The camera then pans over to his co-pilot, who has sustained a fatal injury even though the ship was unattacked. As Joe Flanigan consoles him, the co-pilot offers these dying words. BTW, I could barely understand what anyone was saying, even though THE ENTIRE EPISODE IS ADR. "On my last mission, I attacked the ogres of Gamma Toris and freed their slaves. Among them was a turtle sapiens. These people live on a giant computer planet called Gakka. They keep all the memories of all the planets and races and they know when and where each human being is gonna die." "Where is this place?" "It's very difficult to find. It rotates around the last sun of the Nicene."  Ignoring for a moment what has to be the worst delivery of a death speech ever caught on film and the fact that an orbiting planet should actually be easy to find, the co-pilot is wearing a fake black leather jacket and pants over a black t-shirt. I mean, wardrobe couldn't have given him a worse pilot outfit if they tried. Anyway, just look at that dialogue. Someone got paid to write that. Immediately after he dies, the shuttle makes a hyperspace jump to Earth. In other words, if Joe Flanigan had any sense of urgency, he could have saved his co-pilot.  Sup future Earth  We next see Joe sitting in a booth at a bar, receiving payment for the mission in the form of clear credit cards from not Agent Victoria Hand of Agents of Shield. Here is their exchange: "Too bad your partner didn't make it back alive. But I'm sure you'll know what to do with his share. *smirk*" "You're right, I do. I'd also like to know what I'd like to do with mine, but I guess you're too expensive for me."  "You, hunters. You should more than anyone that everything's got a price on this planet. But you should have also known at the minute that you saw me, that it was clear that I was never on the market for you." *pan over to her walking away with a woman from the bar." "Ouch." Is Joe supposed to have gaydar or something? There's nothing about her that says she's only interested in women. Joe is then approached by two women, and we see a montage of him getting wasted. They try to steal his credit cards, but he stops them, breaking one of their arms in the process. He then gets in a fight with security, and after dispatching them, turns back to the women and says, "Next time you bitches wanna make some money, try using your mouth. It's less risky." We next see Joe making a hyperspace jump to the computer planet his co-pilot mentioned. He laments that it's 2,000 light years away, "that's at the loving end of the universe", but a map shows it on the other side of the galaxy. The Milky Way galaxy is 100,000-120,000 light year across, and the universe is 93 billion light years across, so... yeah. He further laments, "Can't do a space jump. Nobody's done a space jump without dying." And then he does the jump and he's fine. He's immediately chased by 2 pirates shuttles, which he destroys and says, "And with the help of karma, I continue my journey."  We then get a voiceover montage by the turtle sapiens mentioned earlier, foretelling Joe's struggles to reach them as they're happening at screen. At one will, he will go "95 hours without ever sleeping, without eating, or drinking." That's oddly specific. Joe then wakes up on the computer planet and welcomed before an arena of turtle sapiens. He's asked to ask his question, "I wanna know when I'm gonna die." The leader of the turtle sapiens exhibits a book in which they know when humans are going to die, but not all humans, just the ones that visit their planet. In this century, there are only 5: Joe has 6 years to live, as does "Scar, a beautiful female and professional thief... then 3 intergalactic policemen who they have only a quarter of an hour left." The turtle sapien smugly says, "We've waited a century for this moment." And that's when this scene happens. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flyBZjfAP5A  Kelly and Joe stand before the turtle sapien who says, "Yours is a true union. blah blah you will die in 6 years." True union eh? Joe: "Well... 6 years is a long time." Kelly: "Then let's live them passionately, my darling." Turtle: "Brothers and sisters. As always, our prophecies have been fulfilled. The mercenary is in love with the escaped thief Scar." Cut to a slow-mo sex scene between Joe and Kelly as the turtle continues his voice-over. "...where they will live for 6 years, abandoned to their love. A mixture of bestiality, spirituality, and insanity known only to homo sapiens." Bestiality?  They're also shown stealing "a fabulous treasure" from a cargo ship. Fast forward to shortly before they die, "They will realize what they called love was only the sweet mask of hate." "Both now feel that the other smothering them... in the dead of night, each believing the other asleep, they will try to take what remains of the treasure." Even though it's daytime outside. A CGI daytime that they could have made nighttime. And then they shoot each other over a literal treasure chest.  "Isn't it tedious brothers, to never sleep and live a minimum of 30,000 years? Oh, how our life is boring." I feel like the turtle sapien leader is the embodiment of the showrunner who just trolled us. This is the something awful I was looking for. Josh Lyman fucked around with this message at 12:45 on May 11, 2014 |
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May 11, 2014 12:28
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Falling Skies Season 3 Episode 6 Previously on Falling Skies: Photographs are ominous, a boy cried Yeerks that crawled into his ears, and Anne and Alexis are missing Our Main Character, Tom, played by Noah Wyle, goes to see an alien who is possessing a human to talk to them. He asks them where Anne and Alexis are, but the aliens don't know. They say they'll look into it. He argues with his two allies, Dan, and Marina, about looking for the two of them. He wants to go see this elusive Karen (who doesn't show up in this episode), who is like some evil president or something. Dan suggests waiting 24 hours, and if he doesn't hear anything, they can leave. Marina takes Tom to the side to talk to him about the photographs, and after arguing for a bit about their mysterious alien backers, Tom's son Hal takes him hostage.  After Hal's girlfriend, Maggie shoots out his car, he holes up in a building with Tom. Turns out the Yeerk from the opening crawled into Hal's ear, and is controlling him, for Karen. He'd been having nightmares about Karen, and told Maggie, but she didn't believe him. Pope, the leader of the Berserkers, is mad that the Mason Family drama is apparently again taking over the week's festivities. I can't say I disagree, if this is the standard weekly formula. After opening negotiations turns into a shootout, Dan does what he should have done in the first place and sends the Berserkers away from a hostage situation. Hal's brother Ben suggests he can get in there and subdue Hal, but Dan says it's too risky. Maggie thinks she can do better, but Dan shoots her down too. Hal's other brother, Matt, knows an unseen route to the room. Cut to the Berserkers in a bar, making bets on the outcome.  Put me down for both survive. Some guy says if he bets on both die, he'll kill them both himself. Pope tells the guy to go gently caress himself. I like Pope. Hal tries to torture Tom, but Tom isn't having any of that. He apologizes for being a lovely father. This, combined with Maddie and Matt's pleas, distracts Hal just long enough for Ben to subdue him. Score one for lovely concentration. Then, the Yeerk forces Hal to shoot himself, nonfatally. Cut back to Pope, who is doubling down on this by adding in a second bet. If Hal survives, as he has been reporting to Karen this whole time (and his Yeerk shot some dude), will he be charged with:  While he's rattling the crowd, Dan walks in. This cuts the sails right out of Pope's MC sails. Dan orders two glasses of Whiskey, and tells Pope that if anything happens to Hal due to these fuckwits, it's his rear end. Pope sends his #2 to guard the Masons. This was probably the best scene in the episode to me. Turns out the X-ray can't see Hal's Yeerk, so they go back to the friendly aliens. They developed a way to kill the Yeerks, but it may not work on humans.  If there's a Yeerk in his head, the creatures in the amber stone he gave him will kill them. Otherwise, they'll just kill Hal. This works well enough as a trial, I'd say. Tom debates his situation with Marina, and decides to go through with it. The Yeerk in Hal tries to convince Maggie that the procedure will kill him, but she's not an idiot.  Neither is her dad. The procedure is a horrifying procedure that I didn't have the stomach to sit through twice. The bugs crawled in through every orifice in his face and killed the Yeerk. Here's a still I found on the internet. Linked because I don't want to see it myself. http://i.imgur.com/ZJYWdxP.jpg In the end, Hal's okay, and the Masons leave to go find Anne and Alexis, leaving Marina in charge of the remaining heroes. Tom also gives Marina context for the ominous photographs. End episode. So I liked this episode. It was an interesting idea, and I got just enough context to figure out what was going on if it was my first episode (which it was). Noah Wyle was entertaining as Tom, and Pope was the best part of the episode. B+. I'll take another, if you can give me one.
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May 11, 2014 12:55
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